Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 10 - How Do You Say 'Blow Job' in Pennsylvania Dutch? - full transcript

Relationships are complicated,

no matter what stage in the game...

Banging, dating, marriage...

banging someone you dated on
the day they get married.

Look at her...
Pretty little Ali Devon,

concerned for my well-being,
obviously reliving

that mind-blowing orgasm
I just gave her.

So what if I'm on the lam for a
murder I didn't commit?

Everything's cool,
and she totally wants me.

We need to talk,

and be perfectly clear about
what this means for us.



Uh-oh...
She totally wants me.

Is there anything
that you want to say?

Um...

I need to take a piss.

Committed relationships are for
suckers at the best of times.

With the cops on your tail,
you gotta move fast.

Don't get weighed down with
extra baggage.

Good idea.

Listen, urinal cake,
we gotta ditch Ali.

What?! We can't do that.

Sure we can. Just go
back there and tell her

she's gotta piss now, 'cause
we're not gonna stop again.

You know, it's funny...
She just told me the same thing.

Huh?
What?



Fuck!

Wait, Richard!

Hey, I'm still peeing! Richard!

Hey! Ali! Ali!

Fuck.

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'd find my smile ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'd have won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Oh, life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'm half a man ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Without you... ♪

We need to find Sonja now!

I need eggs, bacon, and single malt.

Richard, we can't afford alcohol.

We'll share the eggs, and no bacon.

You need to watch your
cholesterol, mister.

What are we? A couple of
anorexic high school girls?

Richard, we are down to our last $20,

and we can't use credit or debit

because we have to stay off the grid.

Otherwise, the police
could track us down.

You are wanted for Sonja's murder.

Our only recourse is to find her
and clear your name.

There is no way that I am spending

what could be the last week of my life

in jail or on the run with you.

Come on! We're doing okay.

You were gonna take a ride

from that creepy dude
at the rest stop.

Gunther was a gentleman!

Don't worry, Richard;
I will do whatever it takes

to exonerate you of these
heinous accusations.

All I need... is a clue,

or a lead, or some,
just, scrap of evidence.

Yeah, well, make it fast, Nancy Drew.

My handsome mug is plastered all
over the news.

It's only a matter of time

before one of these
mouth-breathers recognize me.

Richard, don't be ridiculous.
Nobody is watching you...

Except for...

Holy fuck! Laverne!

I never anticipated
there would come a time

when I wished you would speak.

It's fine.

Oh, I see. Well, I'm so sorry to
bring you much regret.

Perhaps you too are merely
adequate at intercourse.

It's not you, it's...
I feel guilty.

I barely broke up with your cousin,

and the next thing
you know, we're...

Next thing you know, we are
making the beast with two backs

sing sweetly from our loins.

I can see him, looking at me...
disappointed.

Mocca-bear!

What are you doing here?

A vicious strain of Norwalk
ravaged our vessel,

forcing our immediate return.

Were it not for this searing
pain in my colon,

I never would have learned of
this treachery.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Please forgive me!
I'll do anything.

There is nothing to be done...

Except to consume
vast amounts of Gatorade.

You have lost many electrolytes.

What? That's it?
You're just gonna give up.

You're not even gonna fight for me?

Will you be quiet?

This man needs some rest, not
your relentless camel braying.

You're a fucking waitress?

Sexual mysticism isn't exactly
a growth industry.

Here is where I am having a problem...

You told me that Richard's
shadowy figure

is "closer than we think."

Well, we have exhausted every
resource at our disposal,

and are no closer
to a solution, missy!

The solution is obvious,
head cheese. She made it up.

Right, 'cause I got nothing
better to do with my time.

You had me worrying
about some bullshit curse,

when I should've been worried
about finding Sonja

and squashing this murder warrant!

You're actually worried?

You're wanted for murder?

You didn't know
I was wanted for murder?

Some fucking psychic you are.

I'm a little hit-and-miss.

How about another go-around?

Ooh, Richard!
Ask where to look for Sonja!

Oh... Oh... Oh...

Oh... Cock-on-a-stick!

"Cock-on-a-stick."
What does that mean?

It means you owe her
our last 20, Sherlock.

What?

Nice car.
It's a rental.

I never should've let you
talk me into this.

I don't have the stomach
for conspiracy.

Conspiracy? You proactively
prosecuted. That's your job.

I should've stopped you

from putting that bloody knife
in Fitz's trunk.

I knew it was wrong.

Chester, you didn't frame
anyone. I make my own decisions,

and I decided to plant the knife.

Did you really think
you could stop me?

But I can't go to jail

with all of the mobsters that
I couldn't get off on mistrials.

They'll make me get them off,
and... Oh God, what if I like it?

Chester... give me your hand.

I know you're pathetic.

Why, you couldn't even
keep your fiancée

from fucking her ex-boyfriend
on your wedding day.

That's why I'm gonna
make this easy for you.

One word.
If the cops come asking,

deny... deny...

deny.

Okay, that hurts.

Just remember...

I'm the boss.

Richard, please,

we've been walking for hours.

My bovine allergy,

mixed with that cheese blintz
back at the diner...

Pardon me.
Richard, are you listening?

There.

This has to be it.
Cock-on-a-stick!

Oh, no, I hope not,

because I saw a place like this
in a horror movie once,

and the farm was owned by cannibals

who slaughtered travellers
and then... ate them!

Yeah...

My cousin brought his girlfriend
out here once to mess around.

The police didn't find their
mutilated bodies for a year.

I heard about that. Didn't he
dismember them with a chainsaw?

Worse. They were
bludgeoned to death...

with a chainsaw!

Let's just rescue Sonja and get
the hell out of here

before our severed heads before
some mutant hillbilly's sex toy.

Richard, what if we find her and
she's been dismembered?

What if they're eating her
as we speak?

Wait here, you nancy.

Holy shit... Laverne was right.
We actually found you.

Mr. Fitz?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to save you...

unless you've been abducted by
one of those polygamist cults,

'cause I could get behind that.

I wasn't abducted.
I came home to my family.

Your family of lesbians?

I'm Amish.

You are not.

You never did listen to me.

All those times I told you

that I was on my Rumspringa
to test my faith,

to see if I was committed to
returning to the Amish church?

I always thought Rumspringa
was your safe word.

You know, it still can be.

I have relinquished the English ways,

and returned to my roots.

And you have to go!

No, no way! I'm being framed
for your murder,

and since you're the one who ran
off, you fucking owe me.

You made me leave!

Richard! Help!
Cannibal hillbillies!

Olaf, put the pitchfork down.

Sonja! You're alive!
Thank goodness!

Sonja, this English was
besmirching our goat.

I was not besmirching it.
I was petting!

What goes on here?

I'm sorry, Olaf. I know Larry
from my Rumspringa.

It is indeed a pleasure.

I have to say, I find your
culture fascinating.

The humility, the abstinence...

The cannibalism... not too
keen on. Gotta be honest.

We're not cannibals, Larry.

You're thinking of the Mennonites.

Richard Fitzpatrick.

Call me Fitz.

I know all about you, Fitz.

Your exploits, your wanton ways,

and I will not allow you to
corrupt Sonja anymore.

I never twisted her arm...

unless, of course, she wanted me to.

Olaf is the best carriage-maker
in the village.

Sonja, piety.

I just want him to know what a
good husband you're gonna make.

Husband?

It is true.
Sonja and I are betrothed.

Oh! Congratulations!

You can't marry this guy.

Why not?

Because...

Because I need you...

to clear my name.

So, you're not here for me,
you're here for yourself.

I should've known.

All we need is a quick
phone call, maybe a photo...

No, there is no signal here,

but there is a payphone down the road.

Go, Sonja, make the call, so
these English will leave.

No.

We limit our use of modern
technology to one day a week,

and I am done compromising my
values for Fitz.

We'll go on Friday.
Phone day.

In this case, we can
make an exception.

Oh no. No, no.

If Friday is phone day,
then we will wait till Friday.

So, what are the sleeping
arrangements?

So, you're Sonja's brother.
I didn't know she had a brother.

There are many things about
Sonja you did not know.

I changed the straw,

and the blanket is worn
by our cleanest horse.

So, where do I sleep?

You're funny, English.
I like you.

How come every woman I fuck

decides to marry
a douche-nozzle?

Well, that's why you want to
stay until phone day:

to win Sonja back!

No, I want to stay to clear my name!

If you win Sonja's forgiveness,
you'll clear your name,

and your soul!

And mine!

For stealing those dice,
for breaking into Dot's house,

for lying to the police,
for stealing feet from a morgue.

You're still talking.

Let's do this, Richard.
Let's go Amish!

For Sonja, for ourselves...

Our future, depends on it!

Fine... but I'm not
doing the beard.

Amish!

Good morning!

What are you doing?

What does it look like?

We're trying to learn about
humility and shit.

You could never fit in here.

I'll out-humble you any day
of the week, fucker.

Being Amish is about
commitment to God and community.

It is about submission to a
power higher than yourself.

Submission?

Look, I know Richard
has proven to be a bit...

egotistical...
in the past, but...

He says, "You're welcome,"
when he orgasms.

Now, Sonja, we go on Rumspringa

to experience the life of the English.

It is only fair to allow them to
experience our life.

Come. Mayhap Samuel Samuelson
could use their assistance

in the cooperage.

Olaf...

Look, I know we have a long way
to go, but Richard can change...

for you!

You just watch me evolve!

Ooh!

You're holding it wrong.

How can I be holding it wrong?

Just do the exact opposite of
what you're doing right now.

It's like that effing Ikea shelf
all over again.

Thought you fuckers were
supposed to be humble.

Oh, we are humble,

but we also enjoy some
good-natured buffoonery.

I'm sure there is a simpler task
you could attempt.

Let's see how you do
drilling some bungholes.

What the fuck did you just say to me?

This. A bunghole.

You trying to start something,
"Little House on the Fairy"?

Of course not.

Richard, the Amish don't fight.

Maybe it's time they learned.

Mr. Fitz? Larry?

Why don't you help out
the women in the orchard?

Women's work...

Have I offended?

We have discussed it at length,
and we've come to a decision.

Yeah, well I've made a decision too.

Uh, you're leaving?

Well, I'm certainly not sticking
around here while you two

ignore my obvious qualities
worth fighting over.

You see? This is why it would
never work with her.

She's unwilling to understand
the ways of our people.

We Pashtuns are passionate,
but mostly non-violent.

To steal a cousin's woman

is almost as bad as stealing
a cousin's livestock,

yet we still try to find
a peaceful solution.

But if all of that fails,
then we blow it up.

If you loved me, you'd fight for me.

A duel?

I have not, and will never,
cross swords with my cousin!

There is something invigorating
about a day of manual work,

don't you think, Richard?

To feel the soil in your hands,

see the actual fruits of your
labour, growing all around you.

It makes me feel at one with the land.

Good day, m'ladies.

I need a drink.

No, Richard.
The Amish abstain.

There's gotta be something
around here.

Some fermented cider, turpentine...

Ooh, magic mushrooms!

No, don't! If those are poison,
they could kill you.

As long as they get me high.

I do not understand
your reluctance.

Edith is a good woman,
but she is impetuous.

Good day, m'ladies.

She does not need your
permission or her father's

to buy what she wants.

There will be no further
discussion. My mind is made up.

Edith needs a new buggy,

and you are the best builder
in the area.

She is willing to pay.

Your avarice grows in the
presence of these English.

Trouble in paradise?

I am sorry you had to witness
our heated discord.

Our neighbour Edith requires a
new method of conveyance.

Sonja has spoken out of turn.

So, build her the fucking buggy.
That'd what I'd do.

It takes months to craft a
quality buggy.

Caleb can help.
He wants to learn.

Caleb is not ready.

Tell your friend she'll
have her buggy by Friday.

You are going to build her a buggy?

Yeah.

How?

A used buggy?

Our craftsmanship is all that we have.

We cannot allow the sale of
anything but the best.

Gosh, Olaf...
sounds like pride to me.

Have you even built a buggy before?

Some new floorboards,
a couple of new wheels,

this baby'll be good to go,

just like those go-karts I used
to build when I was a kid.

You... you stole those.

So?

Caleb can help me.

Uh, Olaf says my training
is not complete.

Fuck Olaf.

You know what your problem is?

All you Amish,
you got low self-esteem.

We are humble
in the eyes of God, Mr. Fitz.

You wanna win, Caleb?
You wanna be number one?

You gotta believe in yourself.
Christ, Sonja,

how many times did I tell you to
believe in yourself?

Whenever you wanted oral.

Every day.

Oral?

I'll... explain later.

Much later. Never.

Caleb, are you awesome?

I believe I am.

Then say it.

I am... awesome.

Say it like you fucking mean it!

I'm fucking awesome!

Yeah! Fix that buggy!

It is indeed a fine buggy,
Sonja. Many thanks.

Do you know what this means?

Every farm has an old wreck.

I can buy them;
Caleb can rebuild them...

You're gonna start your own thing?

Is that so hard to believe?

I'm actually quite capable,
not that you would know.

I know you're capable...
and not just sexually.

Who am I kidding?

Nobody listens to me here, either...

especially Olaf.

All they do is make fun of my
high cheek bones,

and narrow hips.

Ah, these backwood fucks

wouldn't know a good
business opportunity

if it buried its face in your tits.

Thank you... I think.

There's a reason I came to find you,

and not just to clear my name.

Have you ever wondered
if a decision you made

was the biggest mistake of your life?

Could someone please start?

I believe you must kiss one of us.

No offence.

Oh, none taken.

Oh... uh...

I'm confused by the mechanics.

Should my hands be on you,

or reaching around, to my cousin?

Well, you hands... Oh! ...they may
wander wherever they like.

Then I apologize in advance

if they are to grab where
they're not supposed to.

Don't apologize.
It is okay.

Hey! You didn't even notice
I was gone!

Fuck, man.

Richard?
Richard, it's Friday.

Time to clear your name.

Oh... Richard...

What?

Sonja... the whole point
in staying here

was to learn a little lesson in
humility from the Amish.

You've done nothing to make
amends with Sonja.

I'd argue that.

All you did was
manipulate her into sex.

I am my own person,
thank you very much.

Sonja... is this true?

I am a strong, independent woman,

and I can make my own choices,

even if that means sleeping
with an ex-boyfriend,

while my fiancé...

Oh, my God.
What have I done?

Olaf, please forgive me.

Everything you touch, you corrupt.

I have just received word...
Edith has crashed her buggy.

She's lucky to still be alive.

A condition which you
shall soon not share.

Jesus, speak fucking English,
chinstrap.

It's time to end this.

I am the archangel of justice,
and I have come to smite thee.

You tried to kill me before.

You tried to kill all of us.

Nope, just you, Fitzy.

You held us all hostage,

and terrorized everyone I care about.

How could you be so... so...

so much like him?!

I am nothing like him.

While you were off,
testing your faith,

I learned things on my Rumspringa...

with the Christian Patriot Militia.

Shoot first...

Pray later.

I've only got a couple of days
left, and when I die,

it's not gonna be in this
pile of cow shit.

If you want to kill him,

you're gonna have to shoot me first.

And me third!

You...

You would sacrifice yourself...

for him?

Deep down...

I know he's worth saving.

It's time for you to go.

Elders will deal with you.

I'm alive.
I'm Amish, but alive.

That's right. Sonja Lester.

Thank you, goodbye.

I just have to go to the police
station and file a report,

but you'll be fine.

I guess I'll do that on
"travel to the city day".

Not today?

Once I thought it was
the plan... my plan...

for us to be together,
get married, have kids...

Whoa... Kids...

But, now I know it'll
never work between us.

Because I don't have a future.

That, and you're
a bit of a selfish dick.

I'm glad you're not dead.

I'm glad you have Larry.

He loves you as much as I do.

You're already leaving me. You
gotta kick me in the nuts too?

What are you doing here?

Sonja Lester just reported
herself alive.

Richard Fitzpatrick's off the hook.

And let me guess,
you're going to confess.

Nope. But you probably will.

Chester, you didn't frame anyone.

I make my own decisions, and I
decided to plant the knife.

Did you really think
you could stop me?

Just remember...

I'm the boss now.

There must be something we can do,

some action to ward off
your impending doom.

We can't just give up, Richard.

Which way?

Definitely that way.

Ladies, Richard Fitzpatrick.

♪ Moon river ♪

♪ Wider than a mile ♪

♪ I'm crossing you in style ♪

♪ Some day ♪

♪ We're after the same ♪

♪ Rainbow's end ♪

♪ Waitin' round the bend ♪

♪ My huckleberry friend ♪

♪ Moon river ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪ Waitin' round the bend ♪

♪ My huckleberry friend ♪

♪ Moon river ♪

♪ And me ♪