Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 13 - Honesty, Integrity, and Low Mileage: Part 2 - full transcript

We all do questionable things.

Bless you, my son.

I'm not saying I don't regret.

Of course I do.

I'm human.

I take my pants off
one leg at a time.

But I don't obsess
over the things I've done,

the choices I've made.

Why should I?

Life is something to experience,

to savour.



I believe in honesty.

And honestly,

I like to party.

Even if I could turn back the clock,
I wouldn't.

What's that old Chinese pronoun?

"Carpe Diem",

live for the day.

Let me go now, I won't call the cops,
and we can walk away from this thing.

Ring-a-ding, ding, no one gets hurt.

Okay.
We don't have to test that theory.

Fuck.

Is this some kind of...

perverted sexual thing?
'Cause I could get behind that.

What do you think this is?



To be perfectly honest,

I'm kind of getting mixed signals.

- Honesty, Integrity,
and Low Mileage: Part 2 -

This is a sex thing. I knew it.

The striped wallpaper,
the floral-print drapes.

I'm gonna say the Cornwallis Inn

on Highway 7, Room 104?

106.

Do you always talk so much
when you're afraid?

"Fear is the enemy of logic."
Frank Sinatra.

And what about now?

Take it easy there, darling.

I'll finish.

You can go help with the camera.

- I know you.
- Get away from the chair.

Now!

And you, just shut up.

When my partner realises I'm missing,
you guys better watch out.

He's like a killer robot
from the future.

Relentless,

unstoppable

and totally dedicated to me.

Is my name Mark?

Or am I Dave?

Does Mark like beer?

Is Dave a Scotch man?

Perhaps Mark fancies red wine,

and Dave only drinks club soda.

How is this photo linked to Richard?

Who am I?

And what is up with that hair?

So tell me,
are you and Fitz ready to go down?

For Rupta's Prestige Auto
shall be victorious.

You know, if we had machine guns,
we would be firing them in the air.

It is sad

that the Fitzes won't be here
to feel the crushing blow of defeat.

- What do you mean by this, cousin?
- Yes. What...

Has something happened to Richard?

You better tell me what you know,

or I will

punch you in your face!

Okay, if I did something
to Richard Fitzpatrick,

it would be news to sing aloud.
All right?

You large and gangly one.
You do not even have the nerve.

Larry may not be capable of violence,

but Mark sure as hell is!

Or maybe Dave!

Cousin,
do you have something to tell me?

Victory is ours!

Shut up and read.

Out loud!

- No fuckin' way!
- Why not?

'Cause it's bullshit.

"A danger to women,
an evil, selfish man."

You make me sound like I'm Satan.

I'm not evil.

- Ask Sonja, she'll tell you.
- There's no Sonja here.

What are you doing?
It was a wild guess!

Hardly.

Sonja's scent is unmistakeable.

A bouquet of cinnamon and lavender,
with just a hint of baked bread.

And what about you, Ali?

You think
I wasn't gonna recognize you?

Those eyes.

Those two silver mirrors,

but for a brief, beautiful moment,

reflected the happiness
that I never thought I truly deserved?

You had your chance.

You blew it.

Where are you, Richard?

Kevin.

I blew it with both of you.

But there isn't one moment
I don't cherish.

We weren't just strangers
in the night, baby.

I think we made a terrible mistake.

We are warrior goddesses.

Don't let some crappy Sinatra lyrics
sway your resolve.

- But maybe we could let him go?
- Like I said, no harm, no foul.

You do nothing but harm.

You ruin lives, destroy families,
you spread disease.

You claim to be some master seducer,
but you haven't identified me yet.

What's the matter, Casanova?

Can't recognize one of your conquests?

Need to smell me again?

How about a blow job?

I never forget a tongue.

Though you might have
to slip in a finger.

Here's a hint.

See, ladies?

Words.

I don't remember you
because I never did you.

You screwed me,

in more ways than you can imagine,
because you're evil,

and you're selfish,
and that is why you must be destroyed.

I thought
that we were doing an internet PSA.

I'd never agree
to losing him for good.

Yeah. No, me neither.

This better be really fucking important,
they're showing videos of the dead guys,

and I like to know
who one of those bastards I've outlived.

Just admit it was you all along,

sending me that photo,
locking us in the warehouse,

using a sweet childhood toy
to confuse and devastate your own son.

We both know you'd do anything
to keep Richard from the awards,

and when your plan to sabotage failed,
you had him kidnapped.

Save it, Pantyface. If I want him gone,
it'll be quick and mean.

- I don't have time for cat-and-mouse.
- And what's Plan C?

Reveal that he cheated
on his dealership exam?

Thanks, Larry.

I'm gonna put you on speaker phone.

I'm scoring the interior of the pipe
for maximum fragmentation.

I still think you should use a diesel
and fertiliser compound.

Yeah, but sulphur and potassium nitrate
makes a prettier boom, you know,

like shock and...

- This isn't a fireworks display, Josh.
- Don't worry.

Just sparkly enough to blow you a nice,
little hole out of that joint.

Can you be ready by tonight.

Stay strong, my love.

I'll try.

There's been a misunderstanding,
so I propose

we take a few moments
for private reflection and meditation,

and then we'll debate
about what to do with it.

- I'll get some white wine.
- Perfect.

And a turkey club, no tomatoes.

It's my big day you're messing with.
You at least gotta feed me.

- Nothing for him.
- He has low blood sugar.

Shut up. Go get the wine.

Okay, Larry. You can do this.

You're a part of Richard,
you're his conscience.

Maybe. Just...

Just close your eyes
and let him guide you to him.

Who am I?

Larry,

Mark,

Dave?

- Mark, is that you?
- What did he say?

Universe, just give me a damn sign.

- Larry speaking.
- Larry, you gotta hurry.

They are gonna chop off
his private parts.

Upstairs, Room 106.

I'm coming, partner.

To sisterhood.

A little dry here.

One word, and they'll be putting you
back together like a jigsaw puzzle.

- Who is it?
- Room service.

You ordered him food.

Just leave it outside.

You have to sign for it.

Unhand him!

- Who the hell is that?
- Larry. Pleased to-

That's what you brought
to rescue me with? You idiot!

Nice. The guy comes to save you,
and you insult him?

Glad to hear
you're an equal opportunity prick!

I came to save my partner,
and that's what I'm going to do.

And you think we're gonna let him go?

Where I come from, if you've got a fox
in the henhouse, you kill the fox.

Who made you judge,
jury and executioner?

Larry is right.

Richard Fitz is no fox.

I am very attractive, though.

Can you truly stand here
before me and say

that Richard is responsible
for all the ills that have befallen you?

Hands up. Who thought
that they could tame Richard?

I thought I could,
sand I lost a kidney.

- Who's fault is that? His or mine?
- That bastard's.

He deserves a trial.

He has a point.

And do you really think
there's any chance in hell he could win?

I say we should that bastard
what he's made of.

Whole truth, nothing but.

The Women versus Richard Fitzpatrick.

All rise.

I could use a little help.

There you are.

I've been looking for you everywhere.
I found a broom closet.

It's unlocked,
and it smells like industrial cleaner.

I don't know why
that turns me on so much, but it does.

Is this all I am to you?

The sexual equivalent
to a convenience store?

- "Thank you, come again."
- What's your problem?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm tired of being treated
like a piece of meat.

Or you haven't told
your cousin about us yet.

He's making it most difficult.

But I cannot let his venomous rage

toward your family
keep me from ravishing you

in the most time-effective
manner possible.

Baby, I...

Can't even bring yourself
to say the words.

Don't you get it, you big sap?

I can't say those three words first.

Because if I say them first
and you don't say them back,

my heart might explode.

Is that what you want, to blow me up?

What if we say the words
at the same time?

I'd like that.
I'd like that too.

- I love you.
- You terrify me.

That's close enough.

Perfect.
My cousin will never find us in here.

We did it in the broom closet,
the bathroom,

and garage, in an office,

a car, lots of cars.

The bar, and a couple of hotels.

This one, actually.

Okay.
And were you boyfriend and girlfriend?

I wanted to be,

but he had a different term for it.

"Buddies who..."

you know.

When I realized
he didn't respect me, I broke it off.

And you have never had relations
with Mr. Fitzpatrick again?

Well, once. Right after his wife died,
we did it in a van.

Fucker.

I'm sorry. Is that allowed?

Miss Lester,

do you recall the events
leading up to Richard's day

in a detox facility?

The day he tried to kill you?

- Nice question, numb nuts.
- Yeah, but before that,

did he not accuse me of lying to you

in order to: "get in to your pants"?

And how did he respond
when you challenged his intentions,

vis-?-vis said pants?

He said that he was trying
to get into my pants too,

but at least he was honest about it.

Thank you.

Well, he was.

Know what I hate about action movies?

The lack of well-rounded
female characters?

Why do bad guys use
different colour wires for their bomb?

Hero shows up, and his buddy's all,
"Cut the red wire!".

That's why I used one colour.

Red. In honour of your hat.

Josh, that's so sweet.

Can we talk about the trigger?

I went old school.

Alarm clock.

Think 21-century.

Jet pack?

Cell phone.

Risky.

Then I can detonate it by phone,
and you'll have a plausible alibi.

And then we can be together?

So then we can be together.

Awesome.

I always knew that...

I had just gotten a divorce,
and I needed a car.

But...

from the moment I saw him,

he was all I wanted.

The way he flirted with me,

our test drive was a dream.

And the promises he made.

How we could throw it all away
and run off together,

and follow the open road
stretching out before us.

Sounds like something I'd say.

You lied to me.

I wove you a dream.

Some dream.

I flushed $5500 on a rusted-out Corolla
with bad CV joints

because I thought you wanted me.

Now, if that's not a lie,

I don't know what is.

If there's one thing I never forget,
it's the women I've enjoyed.

You think I wouldn't try
and hit that?

She is attractive.

It's a choice piece of trim
with some grade-A sweater meat.

There's no way
I wouldn't throw it in her.

Of course you would.
There's no way that Richard Fitzpatrick

wouldn't come on
to a woman he found attractive.

That is a very sad story,
Miss Carlisle,

and a very nice turtle neck.

Is there a question here?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Do you think I look more like
a Mark or a Dave?

What does that have to do
with anything?

A Mark.

Thank you, Sonja.
It's been driving me nuts.

There's nothing worse than an identity
crisis. Isn't that right, Julia?

Ask a question or sit down.

Did you leave any details
out of your story?

You told the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?

- Where did you get your sex change?
- Johns Hopkins.

- Objection!
- No, wait. I...

A Corolla? Carl LeBlanc?

You do remember me.

No, no, no... Not another step.

Man hands.

May I see you in chambers?

In light of new information,
I'm willing to cut a deal.

How about a thumb?

You're talking to a man
who had his kidney stolen.

There's no way I'd agree
to any willful mutilation.

He's not getting out of here
in one piece.

You know what?

I think you're afraid to let Richard
testify in his own defence.

- I am not.
- What scares you more?

The fact that he might admit
that he doesn't love you,

or that he does?

Ask your questions.

You've connected the cell
to the bomb?

And you remembered
to load the explosives?

What do you think I am?
Some kind of moron?

Why are you... I don't get...

Wait a minute.

We're not using this bomb
to break you out of juvie?

And that story about Fitz,

about him and your mom
and the divorce and your step dad,

was any of that true?

Every good lie
contains a kernel of truth.

Why?
What did Fitzy ever do to you?

There are rules in life, Josh,

and Richard Fitzpatrick
doesn't follow them.

- That is all the reason I need.
- This is about rules?

What's so fucking great
about following rules?

- You mean, like the red-wire rule?
- Shit.

You better run.
You don't have much time.

From hell's heart, I stab at thee.

Fuck. Who can I call?

For hate's sake,
I spit my last breath at thee.

Hey, Kasib!

- Yes, who is this?
- Drats.

It's Josh.

I rented your safe house.

What's shaking?

Yes, I remember you.

Call me "Fitz."

All right.

Do you love any of the women
in this room?

Fitzy loves all women.

I love them young and old,
big and small.

Hell,
I might even love a new recruit.

Play your cards right, Carl.

- Permission to treat as hostile?
- Please.

You work at Fitzpatrick Motors
with your father, Ken Fitzpatrick.

- Are you the top salesman there?
- I have been, in the past, yes.

And do you think
your father respects you?

Come on. Quit fucking around.

Yes or no?

Your mother abandoned you as a child.

- Yes.
- Because she loved you?

You were there, man.
You know how she feels about me.

Does your mother love you?

Come on. You're supposed
to be fucking helping me, here.

What I'm trying to do is show these
ladies that you never had a chance,

that you aren't capable of love.

Who is this?

Who is it?

Who is it?

It's just some...
Just some fuckin' toy rabbit.

And what's your name for him?

What's your name for him?

- Kevin.
- Kevin.

And what would you do
if I did this to Kevin?

- What would you do?
- Don't you hurt him, son of a bitch!

That's enough fucking around.
You let him go!

- He never did anything to you!
- Enough.

Let him go.

- No, he deserves to be punished!
- Sit down, Carl.

- Larry speaking.
- Hey, Lar.

So listen.
Remember the dealership?

Something kind of happened.

It's funny, when you think about it.

- Really?
- And it is big, boy. It is a big one.

Isn't that something?

You see,

Josh has built a bomb in the garage.

And he's using a cell phone
as a trigger,

and he has to stay on the line,
otherwise the bomb could explode,

and destroy the dealership
and maybe an entire city block.

What the fuck?

He's a little flummoxed.
He could use our help.

Well, untie me!

For luck.

Cinnamon. Thanks.

A whole bunch of cupcakes.
And I was like, "I don't like cupcakes."

Stay on the line. Keep talking.

Fair enough.

Don't let anything happen to him.

Richard, let's go.

Not on my life, Mr. Fitz.

We're on our way, Josh.
Just keep talking, buddy.

You have dishonoured my family,

and I will be avenged!

My nose.

You cannot let them procreate!

The Fitzpatricks and Ruptas
cannot mix!

You are the enemy!
The child will be beige!

And it was the middle of the night,

and all I had to eat was mealworms
for three fucking days in a row.

And I had a theme song in my head, and
I didn't remember what TV show it was.

I kept walking and singing.

Richard! Your award!

Let's go!

We're not gonna have a dealership
if we don't haul ass.

Come on!

Richard, you have my word.

If we get through this alive,
I will go.

If it's what you want, I will get out
of your artfully blow-dried hair,

once and for all.

Halle-fuckin'-lujah.

Let's go!

Marlene, she gave me the steel wool
which made it all really...

Larry.
I was just talking to you on the...

Right.

I didn't think you were gonna show,
what with you being all pissed at me.

It's my fucking dealership!

And my fucking life!

I'm sorry!

It's junior survivalist bitch.
She lied to me.

And you're an asshole.

But you never lied to me.

And I miss that, man.

The being-the-asshole-
not-lying shtick.

Go fuck yourself, Josh.

- Thanks, man.
- No, don't!

How come all the wires are red?

It's cool.

We gotta get this thing out of here
and blow it up somewhere.

The GT.

That cursed mother fucker.

Are you out of your mind?

You're going to destroy that car again,
with us in it?

You got a better idea?

Why?

Josh, open the door.

Go break some fuckin' rules, Fitzy!

Richard would be very honoured
to receive this award.

Unfortunately,

he's not eligible.

Richard Fitzpatrick
does not have a dealer's license.

Pick up, pick up.

We've lost signal!
She can't get through!

We've got a signal!

That's somehow anticlimactic.

Morning.

You made the right decision, partner.

Shut the fuck up, Larry.

Synced by Monkeymann