Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Pilot - full transcript

Who's your daddy?

Mr. Fitz!

Who's the hottest guy around?

Mr. Fitz is!

Who's been number one
in pre-owned auto sales

for the last 9 years?

Mr. Fitz!

Once in a lifetime, you meet
a man you can look up to.

A man who makes you proud.

The kind of man who makes you strive
to be a better person.

I am not that man.



Yo, Mr. Fitz?

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Your father sent me. Hey, Sonya.

That old lady's back again,
and she's asking for you.

God, that lazy fuck!

Why can he close a b-bag
for a change?

Sorry, Sonya, duty calls.

You've probably heard of me.

Richard Fitzpatrick,
but you can call me Fitz.

Hottest pre-owned car salesman
this side of Detroit.

Way to go, Fitz!

Give me a blind monk in traction,

I'll have him paying high book
for a third-rate Miata

before you can say "lay down."



That's car speak for "sucker."

All I've got to do is keep
looking out for number one,

and the world is my car lot.

Fitz, I love you!

Hey, shit sack!

Sell 'em the car already!

Relax, I'm on it!

Look, if she wants you
to go down on her,

put a snorkel on and dive.

Classic beauty deserves
a classic beauty.

Well, I think today
might just be the day.

Nice to see you again.

Mr. Fitz.

How much you looking to pay?

$600 a month.

$600 up to-

Uh, $750?

Why don't we take this baby
for a test drive,

and take care
of the paperwork later?

Don't tell the desk,
but I'm a bad boy!

You know, new ones
are cheap and plastic.

Classics are well-built
and road-tested.

Signature on the dotted line
and we're all yours, darlin'.

Look out!

Ring-a-ding-ding, Fitzy.
Answer the phone!

Yeah, Fitz here.

You sell the GT yet?

Yeah, I'm working on it.

You, work?

That'd be a first.

Fuck!

Yeah, I've just got to take care
of a little insurance issue.

So, the skirt's a little short,
so what?

Really, I love the way
that fits you!

Hey, girls, look! A car!

The woman looks hurt!

Let's move out, girls!

Come on, let's move!

What happened?

Okay, there we go!

Why's he moving her?

Fitzy, not in the car!

Get a motel.

Yeah, yeah, already there, baby.

Just got to sign
the register first, okay.

Move away from the injured woman!

Come on, girls, let's go!

Let's go help her!

We have to help her!

Blanket?

All right, lie down.

It's all good.

I've been through worse.

No one gets Fitzy down!

Ring-a-ding-ding, baby!

Ring-a-ding-ding!

Oh, ring-a-ding-ding, baby.

Ring-a-ding-ding.

Hello, Richard.

Presync by -Ori-

Vitals are stable,

but with a brain injury
like this it's hard to tell.

It could be hours, or years.

Oh, come on, one last sponge bath?

Your treatment is over!

Yours isn't.

Thanks for the lift.

Sorry, bro, Jamal was late
with the shipment.

50% Afghan, 50% Lebanese blonde,
and 50% B.C. bud.

Yeah, pay the man.

Yo, Fitz!

Heard you almost killed the lady!

Oh, you really fucked up
this time, buddy!

Hey listen, you want to sell
to us for cheap?

You know, pay the legal bills!

Hey, 9 and 11!

Try and blow up these two towers!

You will soon be washing cars
in hell!

Why, why, why do you let him
get to you, huh?

His cars, our cars,
it is apples and oranges.

You want to talk about fruit, hmm?

Right now, the automobile industry

is like a smoothie, okay?

Every fruit crushed together.

Every flavour fighting
for prominence.

But there is only straw
to be had, my cousin.

One straw!

Miss me?

Maybe.

Who the fuck is that in my office?

Larry.

What the hell's going on
around here?

Balloons, cake, streamers.

Usual happy crap bullshit
makes me want to kill someone.

I thought it would make Larry
feel more at home.

Larry?

New guy.

Kind of reminds me of you,
except he's not a useless prick.

You want some cake?

It's vegan; It tastes like ass.

Sorry to interrupt,

but the delightful Father Grey
from the Redeemer

was hoping to take early
delivery on the Prius.

Who the hell is this guy,

and what the fuck
was he doing in my office?

Saving our asses.

Business is up 10%
since Larry got here.

I've been gone 2 days!

Kid's got pluck.

I'm just trying to lend a hand, sir.

Nah, nah, I own part of this joint!

Any new hires have to go through me!

Yeah, well you weren't here,
you lazy slacker!

I was in the hospital!

Because you were out
destroying the GT!

I could have been killed!

Me, your only son.

Wah, wah, wah, want some cheese
with that whine?

Good joke, sir! Very funny!

Is it okay to give
the officers some cake?

The city's finest!

Are you guys here
for your annual fall discount?

No, we have a few more questions
about your accident.

It was a real shame
about that test drive.

But you know those old gals
and their turbos.

Except according to a witness report

filed by survivalist troop 319,

we have reason to believe
you tampered with the scene.

I risked my life to get her
out of that car.

We were thinking more along the
lines of reckless endangerment.

Or if she doesn't make it
out of that coma,

involuntary manslaughter.

What?

You're coming with me, Buble.

Buble?

Hey, hey, get off!

Oh, watch the suit, Sugar Tits!

I'm here for you, Richard.

We'll get through this
together, okay?

Just breathe!

Who the hell are you?

So much for salesman of the year.

Come on, lady,
I need to call my lawyer.

You've already called your lawyer.

I need to call another lawyer!

Well, maybe you shouldn't
have dated her

and her best friend
at the same time.

Richard Fitzpatrick?

Call me Fitz.

Let me guess, lawyer?

No way anyone as good-looking as you

would be down here unless
it was official business.

You're very perceptive.

Mm, you have no idea.

Well then, you should have no
trouble at all perceiving this.

Bail agreement.

Old man should have put a bow on it.

Oh, it's not from your father.

I represent Babs Devin.

You might remember her.

The nice lady you left for dead
in that crash?

Yeah, I'll say she needs a lawyer.

One of those old broads
who liked it rough and fast.

Rough and fast?

I knew she had her quirks, but Mom!

Mom?

Afraid so.

Test drives are taken
at your own risk.

Fitzpatrick Motors isn't liable
for any damages-

Not liable?

You car salesmen are all the same.

Bottom-feeders who will stop at
nothing to make a buck.

Do anything, say anything

just to move the next hunk of junk-

Whoa, whoa, lady!

A pre-owned automobile
is no hunk of junk!

Let's talk about who
the real victim is here, okay?

Do you have any idea
what that accident's going to do

to my insurance rates?

The only thing I know,
Mr. Fitzpatrick,

is that this all ends here.

You and your dealership
are going down.

My specialty.

Hey, wait!

Alison!

That was just a-

I'm a good guy!

Go long, long!

Hit me!

Roger, there is traffic
on this street!

Come say goodbye to Uncle Richard.

I can't believe Larry
bailed you out.

I would have left you there to rot.

Yeah, get in line.

Justin Seamus Schneiderman
Fitzpatrick!

Do not even think
about touching that cat!

You are allergic!

You look like shit!

Yeah, thanks. Keys?

I can't.

Saul's at his therapist,
I have hip hop at 4,

Dad's coming for dinner.

Justin, I will not say it again!

You leave that cat alone!

I will not have my child

stoned on antihistamines
before dinner!

I made pot pie, you should stay!

Christ, Megan,
I got a shitload to do.

With this new guy up
the old man's ass,

I got to get the lot back on track.

He doesn't tell you anything,
does he?

Tick-tock!

Dad just half of his shares
of the dealership.

What?

If that woman dies, Dick,

you could be in jail
for the rest of your life.

Dad is an old man.

Either way, I'm sure
Larry will definitely-

To the new guy?

Justin went nuts for him
at dinner the other night.

Do you know he plays
the French horn,

just like you did
when you were in school?

Of course, I'm sure he didn't
bang the music teacher.

Face it, Dick.

This time, you're fucked.

Fuck.

You mother fucker!

Working late?

Huh?

Boyfriend kick you out?

Suck it up!

Uh, I'm in between places right now.

Either way, I don't see
the need for the aggression.

Oh, I don't know.

Guy's out of commission
for a couple days.

Comes back to find no office,
no business,

some schmuck trying
to take over his life!

You've got it all wrong, Richard.

Really?

I know every dealership
in this town,

and I've never heard of you.

No one has!

Oh, I think you know who I am.

And then I get to thinking,

how does a nobody like you
even come up with the money

to buy into a place like this, huh?

You son of a bitch!

That money belonged to the staff.

Siphoning from the office pool
for what, 15 years now?

Not to mention the pension fund?

How do you know about that?

Nobody knows about that.

I know!

But now that we're co-owners,

we can work together
to make you whole again.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm not just here
to sell cars, Richard.

Sell cars?

I wouldn't let you park
my fucking car.

Oh, I don't know.

I moved quite a few this weekend.

Best Saturday sales ever!

You know, Ken was really impressed.

All you did was ruin
a perfectly good GT,

and destroy a woman's life.

Anybody can sell a couple
of shit boxes

on a Saturday afternoon.

You want to see Ken impressed?

You watch me sell that
fucking GT to a woman in a coma.

That's impossible.

Ah, it'll be a snap.

A new coat of paint,
a brief moment of consciousness,

and voila!

If anyone can arouse a woman,
it's me.

Hey, hey, get that-

Yo, Babs.

It's me, Fitzy.

Just thought I'd pop by,

and let you know I fixed up
that Mustang for you!

It's better than mint,
just like I promised.

Close this deal off today,
and I bet I can get the guys

to throw in a free set
of mud flaps for you.

Maybe even knock off the tax.

You want to feel the wind
in your hair?

Well, I got dreams too, you know?

A couple more years,
my old man finally kicks it,

I'm going to open up
a place of my own.

The Summer Wind.

Leather booths,
those choice palm trees.

You know the ones you don't
have to water?

Real martinis.

Old school.

One day, big time.

The strip, where I can have
a stage of my own.

Ring-a-ding-ding.

It's just business, Babs.

You understand.

A man's got to do
what a man's got to do

to arouse a woman.

I've been waking them up
like this since junior prom.

Richard, what are you doing?

I'm closing the deal!

Bad idea!

This is not the way to do it!

What are you-

Fuck!

I don't know what to say.

Mom, Dad, I'm in love!

My brother came out last year.

Cut me some slack, okay?

Good morning, Mrs. Devin!

We've been practicing!

5, 6, 7, 8!

Let's go, come on!
Visiting hours are over!

Okay, okay, direct pressure
on the bridge.

Cover me.

Why?

Richard, Richard,
I will not let you do this!

You're not the boss of me!

Yeah?

Then I'll just call security.

No way!

Hey, Ali!

I was going to get you a coffee,

but then I thought, you know,
given the circumstances

your anxiety level must be
through the roof.

Oh, are you like a war volunteer?

No, I was there, at the accident.

I can help you bring Dick Fitz down.

You know, be a witness?

You saw what happened?

I see lots of things.

Oh, thanks.

Mom?

That mother-stealing fucker Fitz!

Pre-owned is in trouble!

Hybrids, carpoolers,

telecommuters, cash for clunkers.

What about clunkers for cash, huh?

I'm just doing what I got to do
to stay alive,

and be number one.

It's like the Chairman
always used to say.

You got to have talent,

and you got to know
what to do with it.

It's the only thing that matters.

Not friends, not family.

Oh, I've been meaning to ask you
about your daughter. Is she seeing anyone?

You are dead, man!

No, wait, Richard!
You're making a mistake!

Please, don't do this to us!

Us?

There is no us, psycho!

Who sent you?

Has it ever occurred to you

that there's more to a man
than skin and bones,

and chronic liver damage?

Have you thought that maybe
your accident

stirred something inside of you?

Like perhaps your conscience?

Every man, woman and child
has one, Richard.

Yours just happens to be
a little less puffy than you.

Conscience?

You think you're my conscience?

You're even sicker than I thought!

April 4th, 1984.

You stole Hattie Farnham's lunch,

and then you felt up
her deaf-mute twin.

December 2nd, 1993,
you borrowed Grandma's Datsun,

and then you traded it
for a bag of dope

and a one-way ticket to Miami!

How'd you know about that?

Same way I know that you cheated

on your dealership exam, Richard.

Which means that technically,

you're not licensed
to sell cars at all.

Oh, imagine the scandal
if I let that one slip.

Stop!

You want me gone?

No problem!

But your precious GT
is going with me!

Did you ever see the movie-

You saw it!

Thelma and Louise!

The part where they drive
off the cliff!

I never saw that movie!

No, you did, you did!

You cried at the end, remember?

Well, they were right!

It really was a fantastic movie.

What do you want?

Well, I think Mrs. Devin would
like to go back to the hospital.

Done!

And from now on,

until you learn to become
a respectable human being,

we're partners!

Yeah, you need to learn
how to be good,

and I'm going to teach you
how to do it!

Go fuck yourself!

Goddamn it!

Then, at least we'll die together!

Wait, fine!

Pinky swear!

Reverse!

Fuck, shit, cock-sucker!

Fuck!

All right, listen.

I took a bullet in the ass
in Djibouti.

I lost all sense of right
and left and wrong.

I have a PhD!

All right, I'm just a middle man.

Where is Richard Fitzpatrick?

Who?

It's noon.

Have you checked the bar?

Hey, officer!

Alison, hey, hi!

Where the hell is my mother?

Fitzy always takes care
of his ladies.

We received a report that you
abducted Mrs. Devin,

and brought her here.

What?

Oh, so I see how it works.

You lure the police here

while your incompetent
co-workers cover your tracks.

Who's the lackey?

Oh, Larry, pleased to meet you!

Okay, uh, I understand

you've already met
my partner, Richard.

Ma'am, they said that she's
at the hospital.

On her way to physio now.

Look, I don't know what kind of game

you're playing here, Fitz.

But I know you took my mother.

Would I do a thing like that?

I think you're capable
of just about anything.

I do my best.

He's got great potential!

You couldn't sell an ass-rape
at a prison riot, could you?

Hey, Ali!

Hey, Ali, wait!

I don't need to change who I am,

because I'm Richard Fucking
Fitzpatrick.

But you can call me Fitz.

Synced by Monkeymann