Californication (2007–2014): Season 6, Episode 7 - The Dope Show - full transcript

Previously
on Californication...

He gave me a ride because
I spent the night at his place.

- What's his name?
- Ross.

- What's your poison?
- Heroin...

coke, booze, speed.

A little bit
of everything, really.

And there's all
the fucked up

sexual shit
that goes along with it.

How do you know
about Becca's thing tonight?

Oh, we keep in touch.
She's always asking me

questions about writing.
She never asks me



questions about writing.

Okay, hi.

I'm--I'm--I'm here
to see Natalie.

Natalie's my wife.

Natalie said,

"Let the new designer in."

Okay, that's--that's me.

I don't want
to twist your arm,

but, um, I'd like
to take your hand here...

And shove it up my skirt.
Mmm.

If you're gonna die,

wouldn't you rather die
with your dick in my bum?

If I'm gonna die,
I'm gonna die doing

what I was born to do.
This is it.



This is the moment
we've been waiting for.

I'm shitting genius right now.

Hank, we gotta go!

Do you guys mind
if I crash here?

Do some writing?
Maybe have a few people over?

- Whatever you need.
- Congratulations.

You have made it
to the next round.

Home sweet...

Holy Moses.

What the fuck?
Hank?

Jesus guide me!

All the furniture
is in the bedroom, Hank.

Shh, shh, shh!

- Just the tip. Come on.
- No!

Get a condom.
Is that Becca?

Just like five seconds.
Four seconds.

She looks good, Hank.

She's grown up.
I'll kill you.

- She's very well-developed.
- I will fucking kill you.

You know chlorine kills
99.9% of the sperm, right?

It's true.

Okay, fine.

I'll get a condom, jeez.

Hey, Hank! What's up?
Hey...

- Oh!
- Dad!

- Hi, Becca.
- Ohh!

♪ Californication 6x07 ♪
The Dope Show
Original Air Date on February 24, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

You didn't have to hit him.

No, I didn't have to.
I wanted to.

He could sue you.

Yeah, but then I'd have
to cut off his dick

and feed it to the homeless.
You know what?

I still haven't heard
you say you're sorry.

Am I sorry for messing up
Charlie's place?

Yes, of course,
and I will clean it up.

But am I sorry for throwing

a killer party and having
an awesome time?

Absolutely not.

This is becoming
a problem, Becca.

- Right.
- I'm not sure I agree.

Give me that.

Booyah!

Great, now you have
to buy me a new one.

- No, I don't.
- Fine.

Then you won't be able
to get in touch with me.

I could be holed up
in a crack den somewhere,

and you wouldn't be able
to track my iPhone.

I don't like you
very much right now.

Do you like
her very much right now?

- No, I don't.
- Hmm.

I don't see what
the big deal is.

You drank all the time.
Not all the time.

- You smoke pot.
- When it's around.

It's not like I have
one of those

magic marijuana cards
or anything, right?

Do you use cocaine?

I have experimented with
the drug you call cocaine.

A long, long time ago,

in a galaxy far, far away,

in my misspent youth.
That's a lie.

Well, sometimes it's important
to lie to children.

Mmhmm.

- This is not a very good talk.
- No, it's not.

Bottom line is,

you're making some questionable

choices right now.
Huh. Yeah.

Says the queen
of questionable choices.

- Hey! Be respectful
- Ow.

Of your mother's
questionable choices.

Look, I respect you both.
Always.

My home life has been chaotic,
to say the least.

But I've always kept it
together.

You guys had it easy with me.

Agreed.

But you can't expect
us to ignore

the fact that you're

out of control right now.
Yeah, yeah, what she said.

But I'm having so much fun.

I'm partying like a rock star.

Okay, look, enough
of this jibber-jabber.

No more lectures.

Let's take this shit

into the field.
Come on.

Let's go.

♪

What up, Runks?

What is--what?

Yee!

- Okay, what the fuck is that?
- What--I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Look, I just--

I had an experience recently--

Yeah, like a gay thing?
I heard.

No, no, I'm totally
straight now.

Didn't you hear?

No.

I heard that
you got fired again.

Well, yes,
that was unfortunate.

But...

Are you trying to get out

of your child support payments
or something?

- Look, a bow.
- Is that--stop it.

- No! No, never.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

- God, I got a new job.
- Mm-hmm.

A good job.
I do still

wonder why I have to pay you

to care for a child that you
named after your second husband.

That still does
not sit well with me.

He's your son, Charlie!

I know, I know,
and I love him to death.

And that's what
I'm here about, really.

Because I had a life-or-death
experience recently.

And it really--
it clarified things

for me, Marcy.
It focused things.

And I thought,
I would really like

to spend the day with
you and little Stu.

Well, that's great.

You're welcome
to spend the day with Stu,

and I will go shopping.

That works too.

Happy to lighten your load.

What?
I don't know.

I just know you're working
some kind of angle here.

No, Marcy, scout's honor.
I have no angle.

I am angle-free.

That's bullshit, because we
all know you're dick's all bent.

Thanks for reminding me.

That's what I'm here for.

Just keepin' it real, Runkle.

I'm just glad
you're thinking about it.

All right!

Stuart!

I know all this
"partying like a rock star"

stuff looks like fun,

but this shit eventually
turns on you, you know?

You wanna know what
a real rock star looks like?

It ain't pretty.

Hank.

Friend.

I missed you.

And you brought
your family with you.

- Yes.
- Is--is that your child?

Becca.

Hello, child.

Hi.

She speaks English.

And Karen, oh, my God!

- Hey.
- I had a dream about you.

- Oh.
- Did I tell you?

I was standing on the stage,

and I spied you
in the front row.

And I was enchanted
by your preternatural beauty.

So I focused all my

energy on you, and--and--

and I made you have an orgasm
just by looking at you.

Hmm, how do you know
she wasn't faking it?

It was my fucking dream.

Oh, ooh, oh, God.

Ooh, I'm feeling something.

- I think it's bouncing off--
- Shut the fuck up.

Come on, I've got someone
to introduce you to.

He's a big fan of yours.
And mine.

You see what I mean?

Hank, Karen, child...

I would like you to meet
the poet and philosopher,

- Holy shit, that's...
- Marilyn Manson.

We're talking about doing
a duet together.

Maybe a tour of the states.

That would be really something,
eh?

I'm just here
for the narcotics.

He'she--he kids.

Not really.

- He does--
- Hey, listen,

I brought Becca here
because I want--

- Becca? Who's Becca?
- My daughter.

Oh, the child.

Yeah.
She's recently discovered

the joys of substance abuse...

And I want to disabuse
her of the notion

that it won't hurt her
in the long run, you understand?

Why would you do that?

Because I love her,
and I don't want her to O.D.

before she's
of legal drinking age.

Can you help a brother out?

Absolutely.

I've done quite a few anti-drug
P.S.A.s in my time.

- Mm-hmm.
- Some of them sober even.

Hank Moody?

Marilyn Manson.

I'm a fan of your words.

- Oh.
- I'd be honored

if you came
and did some narcotics with me.

This is so fucking cool.

Yeah, it is fucking cool.

I know, I see you

inside the mouth,
that's right, I know.

Ow! What the--

Braden!
I'm so sorry.

You're new here.
Yeah, I am.

Yeah, it kind of makes you
want to eat a shotgun, huh?

You said it, sister.

I'm Tricia.
Hi. Charlie.

Nice to meet you.

I'm, uh, Braden, Aidan,
and Jaden's mom.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

You're making me feel lazy.

I just have the one.

Don't do that, Stuie.

Nope, not in your mouth!

Okay.

Are you married?
Eh, divorced.

- Yeah.
- You?

Married.
23 years.

- Really? Wow!
- Yeah.

You don't even look old enough
to be married that long.

Oh, thank you.
That's sweet.

Actually, my husband and I
are high school sweethearts.

- That is so cool.
- Well.

- And inspiring, you know?
- Don't do that. No.

Toto make it work for...

- Yeah.
- So long.

It's work.
It is, actually.

Hard work.
I see you, Stu.

I don't know.

You gotta
be just best friends and,

I don't know,
keep it fresh somehow.

- Absolutely.
- Yes.

You gotta tell me
your secret sometime.

Hey, would you want to get the
kids together for a playdate?

- Uh, yeah, sure, I guess.
- Yeah.

You put your phone number
in here,

and I'll text you sometime.

Okay.

Here you go.
Perfect.

I'm sorry.
Is this from you?

Why are you apologizing?

Just give me five minutes.

Well, wh-what about the kids?

Don't be such a fucking pussy.
They're fine.

Uh, Stuie, daddy has to go--

I'm--just stay inside
the dragon, okay, Stuie?

In the mouth.

I love doing drugs.

Hey, that sounds like
something you would say, Dad.

Yeah, as--as a joke, maybe.

Here's the thing, child.

Some of us are Keith Moon,

and some of us
are Keith Richards.

And--and you don't know
which one you are

until you end up in a coffin
or in an old people's home.

Huh, that's comforting.
Thank you.

Here's something
they don't tell you.

Rampant sexual behavior,

drug use, etcetera...

You will end up with AIDS.

Well, no,
they do tell you that, actually.

Well, I wish they
would have told me,

because I have AIDS, now.

I'm just fucking kidding.

Why are you guys so serious?

Christmas. I want AIDS.

Should we just say
this whole thing backfired,

and get the fuck out of here.

Now.

Listen, Moody,
love your words, much respect.

But I like your taste
in women better.

She's a handsome one,
isn't she?

I had a dream about
her last night.

I made her come
just by looking at her.

You guys aren't together
anymore, right?

So is it cool if I--

Do not start with me,
Marilyn Manson,

or we will tussle.

You want to tussle with me?

Seriously, you wanna tussle?
Tussle!

- I'll tussle with you.
- Come on, Dad, don't fight...

- I'll tussle.
- With Marilyn Manson.

He's one of my heroes.

Hear that, dad?
Fucking hero.

Okay, okay, well--you--

please, let's just steer
this shit back around,

all right?

Now, I put it to the esteemed
panel: Is it possible

to make great art without
killing yourself?

I say, "yes."

Me too!

Totally possible.

But drugs
just make it more fun.

I like this chick.

Boom.

Yeah, I need to urinate
and possibly vomit.

- Come on.
- Here, look...

- Okay, so this...
- Becca, come on.

Look, please, just--just--
just stay here and make sure

she doesn't ingest anything.

Let's get the fuck
out of here, now.

- Listen, listen.
- What are you doing?

These guys are a fucking mess.
She's gonna get it.

Eventually.
Just let her--she will.

- She's loving it!
- Mom, take a picture.

Are you kidding me?

- That you, Charlie?
- Yep.

- What took you so long?
- Well--I--you know--

I was in the ladies',
sorry.

I guess I misunderstood.

Well, get on in here.

Whoaho! Tricia!

Looking good.

All right, well.

Uh, well I gotta tell you,

this is already way better

than my last naughty
bathroom experience.

Don't call me Tricia.
I'm not Tricia right now.

I'm Hannah.

Okay.
Is that like a...

Multiple personality
thing, or...

No, silly,
it's my website.

Yeah, Housewife Hannah?
You do know it?

- Mm, I don't think so.
- Funny.

I took you for a big porn guy.

- Oh, I am.
- Oh.

- I--and, oh, is it a pay site?
- It sure is.

Yeah, that's what it is.
'Cause I don't really like

to pay for my porn.
It's--it's a thing.

Okay, shh.

Stop talking.

I'm gonna need you
to film this for me.

Film...What, exactly?

I'm gonna suck your dick,
and you're gonna film it.

Then you're gonna give
me a big messy facial.

That's my thing.

That's what I'm known for,
you know?

In fact, the messier the better.

Just get it all over
my glasses and shit.

That's what the fans love.

Okay, this is
a good shot right there.

Oh, oh, oh...You're gonna want
to put this on.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, you probably don't want
to show your face, right?

Oh, probably not.

Good idea.
Yeah, yeah.

- But, has anyone else worn--
- Put the fucking mask on.

- It doesn't matter, okay, yeah.
- Just put the fucking mask on.

Chop, chop.

Okay, good.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- Does it look good?
- Eh, it's fine. All right.

Okay, you ready?
Yeah.

All right, let's do this.

Get that cock out.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah, and remember...
On my face, okay?

- Okay.
- You listening?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Are you listening?

Yeah, uh-huh.
Okay--oh, oh.

Oh, unh.

Oh...Oh...Yeah!

Ah, oh!

Oh, ah.

Oh ho-ho-ho.
Oh!

Ahh!

Dude!

What the fuck?

My God, you just wasted
your load.

You're supposed to
shoot it on my face.

Well you--the whole situation.
It's very exciting.

Do you wanna go again?
'Cause I could do better.

No, no, forget it.

Just get the fuck out of here,
you loser.

Give me my mask.

Like, now.

God. Go!

You want to know the secret
to a good marriage?

Listen to her
every once in a while.

Is that so fucking hard?

Do you still wanna
do the playdate?

No.

Hey, stud.

Oh, dear.

Mm.

I knew you wouldn't
stay away for long.

Actually, I'm here
with my daughter.

I brought her here to teach her

about the perils of drug
and alcohol abuse.

Oh, how's that working
out for you?

- Not well. Not well at all.
- Mm.

Have you had the tour?

Oh, I don't believe I have.

- So many rooms.
- Mm.

So many nooks and crannies.

So many places to curl
up and get lost.

Oh, well, I don't think
I'd wanna get lost.

You know?
In fact,

I should probably get back
to the war room

before somebody gets pregnant.

- Hey.
- Yes.

Did you know Atticus collects

medieval torture devices?

No, I did not,
but that revelation does not

particularly surprise me.

Do you know what
a breast ripper is, Hank?

No, I do not,

but it's pretty
self-explanatory,

and nasty.

It tore to shreds the breasts
of women

that were convicted
of adultery.

Why, why? Why ruin
a perfectly good breast?

That doesn't make any sense.

Oh, you're sweet.

Thank you.

Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't mean yours.

Oh, you don't
think they're lovely?

Oh, no, they're killer.

You've got beautiful cans.

It's just that,
it's inappropriate

to talk about another
man's breasts.

You--you know what I mean?

I'll decide
what's inappropriate.

I am not sure that you should.

Touch 'em.

Oh, no, I'm--I'm good.

Come on, you don't want
to touch them?

All right, maybe just--
just one, just...

Oh, God, oh.

It's just been so long
since I was groped

by capable hands. Oh!

Karen!

Um, just a breast exam.

You know, checking for lumps?

I think you're okay.
You should be fine.

I'll do the same for you.
Anytime, anywhere.

You know I will.

Yeah.
So, Marilyn Manson's trying

to get your daughter and
I into a threesome right now.

Oh, that's my cue.

Okay, Becca, I get it.
I give up.

All right,
this is way too much fun.

If I was your age and this
was happening to me,

I would tell my parents
to fuck off and die too.

My father would punch me
in the mouth,

but that's another story,
so...

We're gonna leave.

We're gonna...
What? What?

Leave you to have fun
with your hero.

What the fuck are you
talking about?

Mom, dad, easy, come on.
I'm gonna take care of the girl.

Look at this face.
Come on.

The girl's gonna be fine.

We're gonna make some s'mores,

and tell ghost stories,

talk about our favorite
serial killers.

I'll have her home by dawn,
I swear.

Becca, take a picture
of me teabagging

before he wakes up.

No more, Manson.

No more balls, Manson.

Too many balls.

Get off me.

- Daddy?
- Yes, my boy?

- Where did you go today?
- Hmm?

What do you mean?

You were in the bathroom
for a very long time.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Those chicken fingers
gave daddy a bad tummy.

I had to make big potty.

Good night, mommy.

Good night, daddy.
I love you.

Oh, buddy.

Good night, baby.

He's so happy.

'Cause this is the way
it's supposed to be.

He should fall asleep
like this every night.

Yeah, that's a nice little
fairy tale, Charlie.

But it's not the reality
of his life.

Maybe it should be.

Why can't we make it so,
for him?

Because, the people
who made him

weren't meant to be together.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

I think I have the divorce
papers to prove it.

Okay, you know what?

I've made certain mistakes,
Marcy.

You've made certain mistakes.

Maybe it's time we just
get past all that already,

and start to get real.

Yeah, like it's
just that easy.

Well, maybe it is.

I still love you, Marcy.

What?

Why are you telling me this?
I don't know.

I don't know.
It just came out.

Well keep that shit
to yourself.

I can't.
Because when I feel something,

I like to express it.
Good for you.

But I'm done with you.

I'm done with Stu.

I'm done with men.

Realso, what,
you're into women now?

No, you jackass.

Gross.

Stop it.

Shh.

You're gonna wake the boy.

Okay, this is stupid.
I--I can't stand it.

I'm going in!
Wait-hold on a minute.

It's gotta be her decision.
No-I'm going in.

I know her.
She'll be out in a minute.

What happens
if he has abducted her,

and he is selling
her into sex trafficking?

He's a rock star, Karen,
not a sex trafficker.

He could be both.

Quick, let's go!
He's looking for me.

He wants me to film him
pooping on Atticus.

That's my line.

That's my girl.

So, what have
we learned today, folks?

I think we've learned
that some things never change.

Well, that sounds
a bit pointed, lady.

What do you mean by that?

Everything I learned,
I already knew.

I know you guys love me.
I know you care.

I know drugs are good and bad,
and dangerous and fun.

I know those guys are lunatics.

I'm never going to be like that.

I'm just trying to figure
it out for myself.

And I know that's scary
for you guys,

but you're just going
to have to trust me.

Can you do that?

I suppose so.

Well, you don't exactly leave

us with much choice.
Great.

Well, I'm glad
we got that settled.

I'm gonna hang in my room.

Security check.

Did you pack your
bag yourself, ma'am?

Oh, I see.

What?

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

And...that you can keep.

Really?

- Good night.
- I will make sure this goes

directly into police evidence.

Nightcap?
No.

Recap?

No. What?
Recap what?

Your asinine plan

to educate our daughter
on the perils of drug abuse?

Okay, well maybe my plan

didn't go exactly according
to plan,

but maybe it did.
Maybe I'm a fucking genius.

Or maybe we just went up there

so you could see her.
Who, Natalie?

Oh, God. Karen.

Why are you shitting
where I eat?

Well, that's disgusting.

That's disgusting?

What--you--like your hands
all over her--

Oh, she practically
forced me to do it.

- Really?
- Yes, and who am I

to pass up a perfectly pleasant

boob grab?
She--it was my hostess.

It would have been rude
for a guest to--

are you jealous?

No. No, I'm not.

I'm pissed.

I'm pissed because
you're screwing up

the only job I have right now.

Karen, the woman
is--is practically

hurling herself at me.
Oh!

She's unhappy, I guess.
You know, it's like

a freak show over there.
Who can blame her?

And apparently, I'm a real man.

From the real world.

Right.

So you're the perfect guy
to ease her pain and suffering.

It's not my fault.

It's like I emit this strange
kind of homing

beacon for these malcontents.
You're amazing.

No, no, and I don't want
to have anything to do

with her, Karen...
Mmhmm.

Which makes perfect sense,
because the person that I

want to have everything
to do with

wants nothing to do with me.

Oh, good.

Well, we agree on something.
Oh.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Ahh.

- Oh, my God.
- Mm.

Ugh!

Ophelia is gonna
be so pissed at me.

Ophelia!

We have sex for
the first time in years...

- Mm.
- And this is the first thought

to cross your mind?

Mmhmm.

So...

How was it for you?

- It was okay.
- Okay?

Well, that's a--
that's a start, I guess.

It was familiar...

In a not-entirely
unpleasant way.

Oh.

And you lasted almost long
enough for mommy to get hers.

I know, how cool was that,
right?

I think it's because I blew some
serious yolk already today.

Gross.

Where?
Here.

In the shower.

It's my daily ritual.

You remember.
Yes.

So how was the fucking fun zone?

Oh, I found
it seriously frightening.

- Mm-hmm.
- There was this one mom--

Oh! Tricia.

Yeah, how did you know?

Because, everybody
knows about Tricia.

She tries to fuck all the dads.

She's got this website.

It's called "Housewife Hannah."

Wait.

Did you do something with her?

No.

- Mm?
- God.

Okay.

Here, check this out.

Oh, my God.

Jesus!

Look at that guy.

He's such a fucking tool.

Then you're gonna give
me a big messy facial.

All over my glasses.
Oh, Jesus.

I'd know that bent fucking
chode anywhere.

- Nice.
- Ah, oh.

Oh, God.

Aah!

Ah! Aah!

Dad.

Daughter.

Is that what I think it is?

It sure is.

Would you mind taking a look?
Of course.

I'd be honored.

Whoa.

It's quite the weighty tome.

Words, words, words.

Congratulations, sweetie.

You know, whether it's good,
bad, or somewhere in between,

this is a huge accomplishment.
Huge.

Why would you assume it's bad?

Spoken like a true writer.

Mm.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Just for a moment there,
it was...

Like everything was all right
in the world again.

Seemed like old times.

I love you, Dad.

I love you too, sweetheart.

Be careful, okay?

I will, Dad.

I promise.

♪ From the coast of gold

♪ across the seven seas

♪ I'm traveling on
Thanks for a great day today.

♪ Far and wide

♪ but now it seems

♪ I'm just a stranger
to myself ♪

♪ and all the things
I sometimes do ♪

♪ it isn't me but someone else

♪ too much time on my hands

♪ I've got you on my mind

♪ so easily

♪ when you can't find
the words to say ♪

♪ it's hard to make
it through another day ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==