Californication (2007–2014): Season 4, Episode 9 - Another Perfect Day - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

What? You guys are doing it now?

It's none of your business.

It should be pretty cut and dry.

You plead guilty to unlawful
sexual conduct,

the statutory rape charge
goes away.

Nice work, asshole. Deal's off.

No fair. Indian givers.

I'm dropping the case,
leaving the opportunity for you to find

an attorney who suits your
particular personality.

Look around.
Welcome to rock bottom.



I live in this shitty,
filthy hotel room.

You hate me.
Becca hates me.

My attorney dumped me.

- I'll be your attorney again.
- Really?

- You will?
- Yes.

No more sex.

I'm Peggy,
your real-estate agent.

You're such a fucking slut.

What the fuck?

You can choke me if you want to.

So what if you knocked up
one of these slunts?

I would present her with a gift card entitling
the bearer to one back-alley abortion.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, God, Stu.



Jesus.

- I'm gonna be a father!
- No. Stu!

Here's to Hank Moody...

- versus the State of California.
- Up yours.

And here's to you keeping
my black ass out of San Quentin.

I'll do my utmost.

- And the devil take the hindmost.
- Remember,

when you're up on the stand and the
prosecutor asks you...

- I am not a crook.
- That's good.

- I am not a crook.
- All right, all right.

You're sick of all the prep.
I understand. I got it.

I am sick of it, yes,
but I'm also nervous.

- I am.
- Yeah, you should be.

I just hope I don't get the squirts
up on the stand.

Well, me too. Nervous shitters
are almost always found guilty.

I would imagine.

How about you?
You nervous at all?

No. I used to be.

Fuck, I used to blow chunks
the night before every first day in court.

No, that's hot. I wish I'd been there
to hold your hair back

- and fondle your titties.
- Oh, how you talk.

Well, but I've been doing this
a long time now.

I've lost the butterflies.

Yeah.

Well, it's been
an interesting ride.

That is one way to put it.

Thanks for sticking it out with me.

You're quite welcome.

Do you want to come upstairs
and have a nightcap?

I've got the swellest little
honour bar in town.

- That's a nice try.
- Come on. Can you blame a guy?

It's the Friday before the Monday
I stand trial for crimes against humanity.

A man might be craving
some company.

Some of your sweet,
intelligent company.

Get a massage, a facial.

Stop teasing me
with your dirty talk.

I'll see you Monday.

Bright and early
with liberty and justice for all.

Hang in there. I'm good at this.

- How can I help you, sir?
- My key has failed me, milady.

Henry James Moody.
The third.

Yes, Mr Moody.
There's just the matter of the bill.

- What's the matter with it?
- Well, it would appear

that the credit card company
is not accepting your charges.

Well, that shit happens.
Between you and me,

I'm pretty fucking solvent right now.
I made a hundy large last week.

- Good for you, sir.
- For doing nothing, literally.

A fourth-grader could have
stepped in for me.

- America. It's a great fucking country, huh?
- Great.

So, can we put this on my tab
or you want to give my agent a call?

You're not gonna throw me out on my ass
over some piddly little sum, are you?

- Well...
- What are we talking about here?

- What do I owe?
- Let's see. Here we go.

- Roughly, $25,000 and some change.
- Well, fuck my face.

Sweetie.

Don't you just love the fresh sea air?

- What are you doing?
- Credit card snafu at the hotel.

I couldn't get in touch
with Uncle Runkle

and I didn't want
to wake you guys up.

You couldn't find a floozy
to take you in?

Hey now. What's wrong
with communing with nature,

- sleeping under the stars?
- There's bird shit on your shoulder.

Look at that.

So there is.

- Did you drink and drive?
- In that order?

Come in.

I don't think that's
such a good idea, Becs.

- Your mom...
- She said it was OK.

Well, in that case.

Oh, God.
I can't believe this.

I can't believe I'm deflowering
my own little brother.

Believe it, Sister Christian.
Keepin' it in the family.

- Oh, my.
- Taboo-style.

My own brother inside me.
This is so fucking wrong!

So wrong, my sexy sibling.

- We shared a crib.
- So very, very wrong.

Fuck me, flesh and blood!
Fuck me.

Mom and Dad would not like this
one little bit, would they?

Oh, no. Mom and Dad.

What if they come home
early from Mammoth?

Mom and Dad were...
Mom and Dad were killed recently

in an unfortunate car crash.

Your virginity is mine,
Brother Runkle!

You getting close, by any chance?

Did you cum already?

A couple minutes back, yeah.

I thought I could power through
to the next boner. My bad.

I don't mind, Charlie.

Pleasing you pleases me.

Please me you do,
my fantasy sister.

I want to fulfil
all of your fantasies, Charlie.

I know you've got a lot of sick,
twisted stuff

going on in that dome of yours,

and I want to make it all come true.

Good to know.

Do you want to watch me
have sex with another man?

Not really.

Maybe.

Runklehaus.

It's your ex.

Marcy?

- Who the hell was that?
- A little busy here, Marce.

What can I do you for?

Stu and I would like to have you
over for dinner tonight.

Well, I can't do it tonight.

I got reservations at Mozza.
What about sometime next week?

Look, I know it's last-minute and all,

but Stu's been
after me ever since

I moved in here to have
you over, so...

Yeah, why?
So he can rub my nose

in the opulent lifestyle
I could never give you?

Hardly.

Stu is all about
looking to the future.

- He says it's what mature adults do.
- OK, OK. Fine.

I guess I can switch
some things around.

- Can I bring a date?
- Consider yourself plus one.

Gotta go.

So is there anything new
I need to know about?

Latest developments?

Any news I need
to be kept abreast of?

He said "breast." He did.

"Breast."

Well, you know, actually...

I could use some money.
I mean, we have a mortgage to pay.

Yeah, but I don't live here any more.
You kicked me out, remember?

- Excuse me?
- No, the cheque's in the mail. Honestly.

Despite the great unpleasantness,
I've been doing quite well financially, so...

That's why you got
kicked out of your hotel?

That was just
a credit card snafu, honey.

Turns out it's really expensive to live in
a hotel. But I'm doing fine, sweetie.

Your father
is a big-time wordsmith.

- Great, so you can buy me a car.
- You don't know how to drive.

- Great, so you can teach me.
- Where is this coming from?

Pearl's learning how to drive right now.
Ben's teaching her.

- He's gonna get her a car too.
- Get a load of Black Jesus.

Does he turn water
into whiskey too?

Heal the sick?
Yeah, he does, huh?

Whatever. I don't know how I feel
about you behind the wheel.

- What do you think?
- Yeah, I could teach her.

- You're a terrible driver.
- I am not.

Yes, you are. You're like
an Asian woman with Alzheimer's.

No arms or legs.
Steering with your tongue.

Whoops. She just fell over.
What are you gonna do now?

You see that?
No, that was horrible.

- We still got it, that family chemistry.
- You're so stupid.

The Cosbys, the Huxtables,
the Mansons - they got nothing on us.

No, no. You stay.

You were the architect
of this sumptuous feast

and I will be the boy that buses
the shit out of it.

Don't laugh,
cos you'll just encourage him.

OK, OK. Yeah.

I've lost feeling in my ass.

All right. OK.

Well, that's totally normal.
Not really.

You hear that? Blackie's in pain.
Poor Blackie's just crying.

- Did I break it?
- No, no. No, babe.

- Just throw it in neutral.
- No. That's it.

I don't want to learn to drive any more.
It's too hard.

Honey, you might want to reconsider.
LA is not known

for the quality
of its public transportation.

There is nothing wrong
with the Big Blue Bus.

What? You want her sandwiched between
some guy with teardrop tattoos

and an old lady that smells like
cat food and menstrual blood?

Why would an old woman
smell like menstrual blood?

- Well...
- Because he never thinks

before he opens his mouth.

That may be true,
but crazy people do ride the bus.

And maybe she smells of menstrual blood
because the homeless prostitute

two seats away from her
just threw her tampon at her.

- Oh, my God.
- Ever think of that? Yeah.

- I think I'm going to throw up.
- Do it all over his car.

Come on, ladies.
Where's the love?

We got to try to find it. This way, we're
never gonna make it to parallel parking.

OK, now throw it in neutral.

Step on the clutch with the left... Left!

Why would you cross over?
It's the left foot.

Right foot... that's it.
Keep it on the gas.

No, not on it.
Now, just keep hovering.

- After you.
- Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hey, welcome.

Hi.

- Stu.
- Thank you, Charlie.

- OK. Yes.
- This is Peggy.

And, Peggy,
you remember Marcy?

Hi, Peggy.

Peggy...
our real-estate agent.

It's not what you think, Marcy.
We're really more like brother and sister.

- OK.
- This place is absolutely amazing.

- Let me guess. 1956?
- Close. '57.

- I'd love a tour.
- Be a pleasure.

Like the gal, Runkle.
Seems like a keeper.

Over here.

You're dating our realtor?

If by dating, you mean entering her
on a semi-regular basis, then, yes.

Delightful. I'm so glad to hear
the slut parade continues.

What? I don't deserve a little
post-divorce happiness? Excuse me.

We can't all have a rich boyfriend
with a legendary schlong.

Is it serious?

With Peggy? Who knows?
I'm taking it day by day.

Wouldn't want to rush into anything.
I likes me my freedom.

- Was that a jab at me?
- A little one.

I mean, this whole business with Stu sort
of came out of nowhere, don't you think?

I don't know what to tell you, Charlie.
The heart wants.

Well, this heart wants freedom
from responsibility

and an abundance of strange.
That's where I'm at.

OK, I'll be getting out of your hair.

That's OK. You could stay
the weekend. It's good for Becca.

- You sure?
- Yeah. I mean, that way

we get to make sure
that you go to court on Monday.

You see that?
You're always thinking about me.

Much appreesh.
Why don't I make you some dinner?

Well, there's an empty offer.
You can't cook.

Excuse me? What do you call
cheese sensation?

A coronary in a casserole dish.

All right, then you go ahead
and make something all organic

and healthy and vegetarian and shit,
and I'll pick out a movie for us to watch.

I'm going out.

- Out out?
- I guess.

- Like out-on-a-date out?
- Dinner out.

Cool Hand Ben?

With Ben, yes, and if you're gonna give me
shit about it, you can leave right now.

No, I won't. I have grown a lot
since breakfast.

So, are you guys, like,
officially dating now?

We're not officially anything
except friends.

Friends who go out
to dinner on a Saturday night

and you're all gussied up.
But that doesn't quite do it justice,

cos you look beautiful.
He's a lucky guy.

- Thank you.
- I wish I were him.

And not just because I always
wanted to be black,

or it'd be a nice escape
from being me,

which is getting pretty old
right about now,

but because it reminds me
of when we first started dating

and I would knock
on your door and in the...

time between you answering,

I would try to imagine
what you were gonna look like.

And when you did,
you'd be, like, ten times more beautiful

- than I could ever imagine.
- Stop it.

And I'd get this funny
feeling in my stomach

because you'd look at me
with all this hope in your eyes

instead of disappointment,
which is what I see now.

Yeah, like I said.

Lucky guy.

- What's up?
- Benjamin.

- Henry.
- Nice.

- Pearl, respect.
- Papa Moody.

Yeah, that still queers me out.

So, we shouldn't be,
you know, late.

Go have fun, you kids.
I'll keep an eye on these rapscallions.

Maybe they'd be safer
keeping an eye on themselves.

All right, well, then they can
keep an eye on me.

Hey, you ladies want
to do anything?

Who's up for a game
of hypodermic needle darts?

I said hypodermic needle darts
for the children.

Go on, ladies. Dig in.

This stuff will clog your arteries,
but it'll also put hair on your chest.

- You'll thank me later.
- Kind of looks like an autopsy.

Yes, but it tastes like America.

So what do you freaks want to do?

Do you want to catch
a movie or something?

You want to get your
High School Musical on?

- Those movies are awful, Dad.
- Yeah, thanks for trying,

but that's not really
what the kids are into.

Tell me what the kids are into.
Take me to school, ladies.

Pretty much getting fucked up
and searching the net for stupid shit.

That sounds pretty good.
That sounds like the modern equivalent

of hanging out in front of the 7-Eleven
and waiting for something to happen,

which I did the shit out of
in my youth,

but I can't endorse in you youngsters.

How about some...
American Idol?

- Dad...
- What?

Do we look like the kind of girls
who are into American Idol?

No, not so much.

Actually, you look like girls
who would hurt girls

- who are into American Idol.
- He gets us.

Actually, we were just gonna
hang out and write a song.

That sounds totally cool.

- Can I watch?
- No.

Yeah, that's not cool.
You can't write in front of an audience.

We'll play it for you
when we're done.

Excellent. That's a deal.

This is not my best batch.

- Yeah, it kind of tastes like ass.
- Not the good kind either.

Come on. Let's go.

And that, my friends,

is the real reason Midnight Cowboy
was given an "X" rating.

Fascinating stuff, Stu.
You should really write a book.

- I could sell that shit in a heartbeat.
- No, no. Enough about me.

I believe my dear Marcy
has something she would like to share.

Oh, no. Tell 'em the one
about Marisa Tomei

and what she really did
to get that Oscar.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Enough about the past.

Let's talk about the future.

This is a night
to celebrate beginnings.

Don't you think, Marcy?
Beginnings?

Would anybody like more wine?

- No, no.
- No.

OK.

Life is a fucked-up thing.
Shit happens.

One day you're up
and another you're down.

- Marcy? Marcy?
- What?

- The wine.
- What?

Wine.

- The baby!
- Jesus!

What are you looking at?

Apparently, I'm looking
at a pregnant woman.

- I'm so sorry, Marcy.
- No, it's fine.

OK, so now you know.

Stu done knocked me up.
I am indeed with child.

- Shout it from the rooftops.
- Are you keeping it?

What the fuck kind of
question is that? What?

Of course we're keeping it.
The Beggs name will live on

thanks to the welcoming confines
of Marcy's blessed womb.

How is this even possible?

Charlie, we wanted to let you know
before you found out somewhere else.

- It just seemed like the right thing to do.
- Well, that was quick.

Who knew you were such
a Fertile Myrtle, Marce?

You don't seem exactly happy
for us, Charlie.

Me? I'm ecstatic.

Why shouldn't I be happy
that my ex-wife

and her new boyfriend of six weeks
are expecting a child?

Mazel fucking tov. Really.

Hey, Becca,
will you get that?

Becca?

Hello?

Becca? Becca?

Becca.

You OK, Pearl?

Pearl!

Pearl.

- Baby.
- You OK?

You're OK? You sure?

- What the fuck happened?
- They took my keys and snuck out.

I thought you were
keeping an eye on them.

I dozed.

Which has nothing to do with the booze
on your breath, right?

Well, I detect a faint hint
of cock on your breath,

but I'm not giving you a hard time
about it, am I?

It was our fault, OK?
It was our fault.

We would have tried the same thing
if my mom was there.

It's true. They would have.

You defending him now too?

I'm not defending anyone.
I'm just glad they're alive.

Let's go, Pearl.

We're gonna go home.

At least I don't have to worry about
fixing that headlight any more.

Did I do something wrong?

OK.

You still have feelings
for her, don't you?

That's what you're mad about?

I saw the way you looked at her
when you found out she was pregnant.

Look? There was no look. I was...
I was taken aback, that's all.

I can't fuck a man who's in love
with another, Charlie.

I can't do it.
I won't do it.

Peggy. Marcy and I have a long,
complicated history together.

I can't just turn off my emotions
like flipping a switch.

Do you want a child, Charlie?
Is that what this is about?

No!

Maybe. I don't know.

You disgust me right now, Charlie.

Are you barren?

I most certainly am not.

Look, Peggy...

I don't know what's gonna be
with you and me,

but Marcy will always
have a place in my heart.

If you can't deal with that, then...

I don't know if this thing
between us can work out.

Oh, Charlie!
Charlie!

- Jesus Christ!
- Charlie, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to, really.
I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry.

What the fuck, Peggy?

I know what will make it better.
Let me make it nice.

You let Peggy make
the pain go bye-bye.

Oh, God.

You forget your desserts.

I put perfect.

Thank you, Irma.

Oh, God.

I'm warning you, tomorrow
I'm gonna be pretty pissed at you.

But tonight I'm just high-fiving Jesus
that you're OK.

- I'm sorry about the car.
- It's just a car.

- You love that car.
- No, I love you.

I love you too
and I'm scared.

Why?

I don't want you to be guilty.
I don't want people to look at you that way.

I want them to know
how great you can be.

You shouldn't be thinking about that.
That's too much for your brain.

All you should be thinking
about is boys

and rock'n'roll and stealing
your old man's car keys.

But not any more,
cos I'll chop your hands off, OK?

It was a nice day, wasn't it?

It was. It was really nice.
It was a perfect day.

- Right up until I ruined it.
- You didn't ruin anything.

You just made a mistake,
a really terrible mistake.

But we all do.

Look at me. I take a breath,
I make a mistake.

Then we just get up and shoot
for another perfect day.

I'm going to be thinking
good thoughts, Dad, on Monday.

Thank you.

- How the fuck did we get here?
- I don't know,

- but I'm pretty sure it's your fault.
- Undoubtedly.

I am currently accepting blame
for everything.

Volcanoes, earthquakes, oil spills.

Steroids, rap music.

- It's all my fault.
- You tricked me, you know?

You tricked me.

I would hear the doorbell ring
and I would go running towards it and...

I'd be thinking,
"I don't even like this guy.

"This is just some stupid fling."

And then I'd open the door
and all those thoughts

would disappear because...

I'd see your smile
and I was a goner.

I trusted that smile.

He was a good guy,
that smile.

I don't see him much
around any more.

I miss him.

It's so strange.
Just changed so fast.

Once, you were my future.
Then you were my...

- misery.
- Nice.

And now you're almost my past.

Almost?

- Well, I'm trying.
- Well, that's impossible.

I'll always be buzzing around
like a gnat.

Like a well-hung gnat...
with a dream.

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

I think I do know what you mean,

and I kind of hate that I do.

Are you ready for Monday?

I don't want to think about Monday.
I just want to think about today.

Well, today's gone.
It's tomorrow already.

In a couple hours,
we'll get up.

We'll drink some coffee,
read the paper,

laugh at all your jokes...

and try to forget that
the next day isn't Monday.

And then Monday will come
and we'll take Becca to school.

Then I'll take you to court...

so that you can stand trial
for raping a teenage girl.

Because that is the reality
of our lives right now.

I don't know how we got here...

but this is where we are.