Californication (2007–2014): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Recused - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

- Hey, is this Runkle's house?
- Who the fuck are you?

- Stu Beggs. You're the wife?
- Soon to be ex.

Want to know how many women
I've slept with?

I gotta get it up to 100.

Triple digits.

- I met the wife.
- Soon to be ex.

So you wouldn't mind
if I took a crack at her?

Say what?

And you are?

- I'm Ben.
- Karen.



- Nice to meet you.
- Karen. Nice to meet you too.

- How's Lenny Kravitz?
- Excuse me?

That caramel-coloured man
you've been hanging around with.

None of your business.

Abby here is the best there is
at defending the unjustly accused.

- You really love this shit?
- Sometimes it's even better than sex.

You must not like sex very much.

Am I really that scary the morning after?

Hardly. You're just really penetrating me
with those pretty blue eyes.

- They're hazel.
- Are they?

It's early and you got
a bunch of cruddies in there.

Thank you.

Yes, no. That's right, hazel they are.
Still pretty, though.

Well, I suppose one good penetration
does deserve another.



I like where you're going with this.
I love me some morning sex.

Daylight, smelly pits, bad breath.
Bring it. Let's do this.

I need to recuse myself.

- Recuse me?
- I'm being serious.

- Well, the bathroom is that-a-way.
- We had sex, Hank.

Don't do that.
Don't reduce it. That was not sex.

That was naked poetry.

I haven't been fucked like that
since I was an altar boy.

- Are you finished?
- No, I'm not. I'm just getting started.

You're not listening.

No, I'm not because I'm too busy
reading your Braille.

I'm a lip-reader, and I can also read
upside down, and you know what it says?

- "Shut up and fuck me."
- We had sex. You made me come.

Don't sell yourself short.
I invited you to come. You did all the rest.

- And now we have a serious conflict.
- I'm not the greatest of legal minds,

but last night, when we made
the beast with two backs,

I don't believe that you
were technically my attorney, so...

Yes, and that logic was perfectly,
perfectly sound last night.

This morning, not so much.

Last night, this morning,
what's the diff, really?

- What's it all about anyway?
- It's your choice, Hank.

What do you want me to do?
Fuck you or defend you?

Oh, shit. There's a really good lawyer joke
in there somewhere,

but there's not enough blood in my brain
to figure it out right now.

- I'm introducing you to a new attorney.
- No, I like my old one.

And she likes you too.
A little too much maybe.

How much are we talking?

Read my Braille.

That speaks volumes.

So...
What's it gonna be?

You're recused.

Hello?

Hello!

Good morning. Good morning.

- What are you doing?
- Well, your door was ajar.

I just wanted to make sure
you hadn't been violated.

So what are you,
Robin Hood of rapists now?

Good one.
And I just wanted to say hello.

Hello and goodbye!

I have time to kill.
I have an appointment.

I brought you some coffee.
How do you take it now? Black?

- Thanks, brother.
- Fuck.

Cheers.

- So what, you guys are doing it now?
- Shut up. It's none of your business.

It is my business.
That was my vagina for a very long time.

- I have squatter's rights on that.
- Ben brought me a painting,

and he was hanging it up for me
in the bedroom, OK?

That is smooth, Ben.
Real smooth.

- What was the occasion? Doing it?
- Ben is an artist, Hank.

- Oh, fuck, aren't we all?
- Actually, I am an artist by profession.

- It says so on my tax return.
- Well, sometimes in the bathroom,

I will draw on the wall
with my own poo.

Doesn't make me
a fucking artist, does it?

- Poo-casso.
- No, it makes you a grown man

- who likes to play with his excrement.
- Exactly, Karen. Exactly.

- I design album covers.
- That is butt-fucking awesome, Ben.

You are very hard to hate.
Hey, guess what.

I did it last night too...
with a woman.

A woman?
A grown woman?

An extremely hot,
totally sexy woman.

- Class up the wazoo, right?
- Good for you.

- A real fucking dame.
- Good for you.

No, good for us, Karen.
'Cause we're moving on.

We're sharing
our genitals with other people.

It's so fucking mature,
I want to punch myself in the dick.

- Do it!
- Listen, not that I'm not enjoying this,

whatever this is, but I just feel like
maybe I should try and put a stop to it.

Yes, that would be a good idea,
and good luck 'cause...

Yes, that would be a good idea
and good luck...

- I'm gonna stab you.
- Fuck you.

- Did you tell him about the girls?
- No. She doesn't tell me anything any more.

They're doing an unplugged gig tonight.
You should come.

Well, that's interesting.
Maybe I will.

Maybe I won't. Guess you'll just have to
wait and see, you two, won't you?

I'm excited.

- We have a proposition for you, Runkle.
- OK, let me just throw it out there.

This is not a threesome
I am interested in at all.

We, neither, you fucking jackass.

Well, I'm open... sexually.
I mean, I just want you to know that.

- Stu, shut the fuck up.
- OK. So here's the deal.

We have a pitch meeting today
at Showtime, at FX, and HBO tomorrow.

But I think Showtime is
the right place for this.

Nurse Jackie, I like that shit.
Edie Falco. Respect.

- What's the pitch?
- Well...

You were married to her.

- I don't get it.
- See? He's not a visionary, Stu. I told you.

It's a down-and-dirty half-hour
about a foul-mouthed celebrity waxologist.

Punaany-tender to the stars, if you will,
based on hers truly.

You know what?

- That's not a bad idea.
- Thank you.

Really? Well, how come
you never thought of it, brain trust?

Obviously, I was too close to it.
I was too busy being emasculated by it.

Don't blame me because
you were born with a clit for a cock

and a tiny little beanbag
to house what passes for balls.

See? Magic.

Don't you worry. Abby's the best.

But even the best need
a little help sometimes.

- Isn't that right, Abby?
- Absolutely, Lloyd. You are the man.

I'll take care of you.

Thank you, Lloyd Alan Phillips, Jr.
I feel safe with you.

- What are you reading right now?
- What am I reading?

- What's on your nightstand right now?
- That's an interesting question.

A bottle of Heineken, pack of smokes,
the accommodator.

The accommodator?
Is that like a novel?

No, no, no. It's more like a sex toy.
A dildo, essentially,

only you strap it to your head so that
the dong part juts out from your chin.

It enables you to "accommodate" your lady
by performing oral and penetrato

at the same time.
You know, like...

- Something like this. Like chinocchio?
- Interesting.

I think it's very interesting.
I can hook you up. You too, Abby.

Thank you.
That's generous of you.

You seem to be in good shape.
Where do you work out? You do the steps?

- The steps?
- In Santa Monica.

It's quite a scene. Lots of lovely ladies.
You can really make a day of it.

Yeah.

- What's up? You need something?
- I was just thinking...

If I wanted to hang myself,

do you think this chandelier here
would support my weight there?

About 175, 180?

You have an interesting
sense of humour, Hank.

That's what they tell me,
Lloyd Alan Phillips, Jr.

Well, I like to take care of myself
these days.

- Had a bit of a scare last year.
- Did you?

Yeah, nothing serious. Just an anal fissure.
You know what that is, Hank?

- It's like a small rip or tear...
- Yeah, yeah. I know.

...in the skin of the anal canal.
Well, hurt like a son of a bitch.

Only thing that got me through was
the thought of getting back to the game.

- You play, Hank?
- No!

- I'm more of a miniature golfer myself.
- We should play, the three of us.

Today.
You guys can get me up to speed.

I'll go and check with Lindsay,
see if she can clear my schedule.

- Great.
- This is not good.

You made your bed...
and then you fucked me in it.

- I think I need to recuse myself.
- It's impossible. He's my boss.

I can't just go to him and say,
"Hey, sorry. Hank thinks you're a big bore."

- But he is.
- Maybe that's a good thing.

Maybe that will prevent you
from sticking your dick in him.

I would never stick my dick in him. It would
fall off from complete and utter boredom.

Get directions from Patti.
I'll see you out on the links.

Did he tell you about his anal fissure?

Yes. Yes, he did.
He's the fissure king.

I'm sorry. He's the worst.

- I don't know how you stand it here, Patti.
- Me neither. All the guys here are like that.

Sometimes I think
I'm never gonna find a man.

- What kind of fella you looking for?
- Honestly? I just need to get laid.

I hear that.

You know what? I think I can help out.
I got a guy for you. He's a sure thing.

Total chrome dome, but he fucks
like a champ. Loves to eat the pussy too.

I'm listening.

A little nervous there, huh?

You never have been
one for sales, have you?

No. Fuck you.
Stop trying to psych me out.

You know what? I'm the nervous one.
I got the fucking runs.

I think I have a little IBS.

- A little TMI.
- I'm sorry, my dear.

Not to worry.
It always happens before a pitch.

It's a ritual cleansing.

- So...
- Be quiet.

What? What?
No. I was just...

I was going to ask about you and Stu.
Stu and you.

Mar-stu! That's what the rags
would be calling it. Mar-stu.

So, how's it going?

Whatever.
He's nice.

Nice.

- Do you like him?
- Yes, I like him, Charlie, OK?

It's nice to be with
a fucking grown-up for once.

I used to be a grown-up...

Once.

I just...

- regressed a little.
- A little?

You're like a bald Benjamin Button,
aging in reverse.

You're gonna die a big, pink,
quivering Jell-O baby. Come on.

Whatever's going on
between the two of you,

I hope you find
all the happiness you deserve.

I mean that.

Thanks, Charlie.

And you're gonna do great in there.

OK. That is better.

Got all the poison out.
So, we ready to do this?

OK, let's huddle up.
Come on.

- Yes.
- There we go.

He likes this.

Motherfucker.

I'm sorry, sir.
Collared shirts only. And no denim.

What are you, some kind of fascist?

What have you got against denim?
It's the people's fabric.

I can show you to
the pro shop if you'd like, sir.

Run.
Save yourself.

- Oh, my God. This is just too delicious.
- I hate myself, and I want to die.

- We are going to have much fun.
- That's impossible.

Think about it.
We can have guilt-free sex now.

- I wasn't guilty.
- Well, I was.

Well, sometimes guilt
can make the sex better.

Sometimes it can.

Dressing room quickie?
I'll let you play with my putter. Come on.

Looking good, Hank.

You guys ready to go to church?

Roberta, would you believe me
if I told you we have your next Weeds?

Great.
Tell us.

The name of the show is Hot Lips.
Yeah.

It centres around the sexploits
of an aesthetician of the stars.

What is it like to stare into the business end
of Sandy Bullock's vagina?

This woman knows.

What's it like to take off the hair
from Robin Williams' mammoth ballsack?

This woman is familiar
with every vein.

I don't...
I don't do balls, so...

Well, that's good news.

But anyway...

But...

Marcy has stories and stories and stories
that go for days and days and days,

so I'm gonna hand it off to her...

...and if you will
kindly excuse me,

I'm having a little tummy trouble.

Yeah.

I got some stories, kids.
I've seen some shit.

I've seen...

I've got stories...
Damn!

I got stories that'll straighten your pubes.

Maybe you could tell us one.

Yeah, of course. I...

Shit, let me think.

'Cause I'm totally fucking
drawing a blank here.

So...

Marcy gets a call
from a very famous actress.

I'm not gonna name any names here.

Nicole!

It's an emergency.
She's shooting at Universal.

Her leading man has been
flirting with her all day long.

Sean.
He wants to see her in his trailer

to talk about the script,
Haiti, whatever.

Clearly it is on.

But Nicole is sporting kind of
a winter bush situation down south,

if you know what I mean.

What is a hairy-scary A-lister to do?

She calls the Marster over here.
And what does Marcy do?

She accidentally tears off
a piece of Nicole's labia.

Majora, not minora.
But there's blood everywhere.

The movie shuts down.

Yeah, funny scene,
but what's the show?

That is a very good question, Roberta.

To me, it's about the crazy shit
that women do to themselves

in the name of men.

It's about a smart,
successful, modern woman

looking for love in a city that
does not place a whole lot of value on it.

And it's about pussy.

It's about getting some,
giving it away, and keeping it clean.

You know anything about
the history of the game, Hank?

Precious little, Lloyd.

Well, it's not altogether clear,
it's up for debate,

but some historians claim it dates back
to the Roman game of paganica,

where participants use a bent stick
to hit a stuffed leather ball.

Is that right?
That is fascinating.

How do you work
for this fucking drone?

He's my boss. Have you loved
every boss you've ever had?

- I don't know. I never really had a boss.
- What are you talking about?

To have a boss, you need to have a job
and I've never had one.

I'm actually having sex with someone
who's never been gainfully employed?

I know.
It's weird, right?

What?

- Hank.
- Who callin' my phone?

- Silence!
- I'll call you back.

Go ahead, Lloyd.

- Beautiful, Lloyd.
- You're up, Abby.

Hold on a second there.
Let me show you something.

Just keep this arm straight.

- And use your hips.
- OK.

- OK.
- Thank you, Lloyd.

You dog, you.

- Good shot, Abby.
- I'm up.

Sorry.

OK, I get a hoolihan on that one, right?

- That's a mulligan.
- Right, whatever. I got that.

Hang on a second, Hank.
Let me show you something.

Keep your left arm straight, come on.

You're gonna need a little
Astroglide back there, Lloyd.

- I'm not that easy.
- And use your hips now. OK?

You're all over the place.

Fuck me.

Run, you cunt!

- No, no, no.
- Get there, get there.

Hank, that's not funny.
A little respect for the game, please.

Now, we're not going to go anywhere
until you drive that ball.

Pulled it.

Great fucking meeting,
and they bought it in the room,

just like I said they would.
I am so excited, Marcy.

I knew you had a project in you
just waiting to get out.

Runkle, how come you never saw this?

I don't know, Stu.
I guess I just missed it.

Guess I missed a lot of things.

Hey, you want come back to my place,
celebrate further?

Sure. Go get the car.

Sorry I can't invite you, Charlie,
but that would be weird.

I agree, Stu.

Anyway, like I said, I'm not interested
in nuding up with you guys.

Besides, Hank has fixed me up
on a blind date.

She should be here any minute.

Apparently, she's DTF.

Love to hear that.
Peace, bro.

- You really saved my ass, Runkle.
- I did nothing of the sort.

I just gave you a little push, that's all.
You did the rest.

OK.

Well...

- Have a good night.
- You too, Marce.

You must be Charlie.

And how would you know?

Hank told me you were bald.

Right.
Of course he did.

He also said you fuck like a champ.

Nice to meet you.
I'm number 21.

Hey, you think I can return these clubs
to the pro shop when I'm done today?

Jesus.
Mean face guy.

- Hey, come on.
- Come here!

- Hank, Lloyd!
- I was raking!

- I was cleaning up.
- Come here!

Stop this!
You're acting like children.

Come here!

- Oh, my God!
- Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

How dare you disrespect
the golf course!

- Lloyd!
- Shut the fuck up!

Lloyd Alan Phillips, Jr!

- Hank, I'm sorry.
- Gentlemen, please.

- I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry.
- I do that sometimes. I make people angry.

- But you know what you're gonna do now?
- What?

You're gonna give me back to Abby.

Yeah, because this right here?

- This is not a love connection.
- Most certainly is not.

But that sexy little legal beagle,
that is just what the doctor ordered for me.

Yeah, but my word is my bond, and I told
Abby that I would take good care of you.

Believe it or not,
she was taking great care of me.

In fact, I have never felt
so well taken care of by an attorney.

- It was almost erotic.
- It's OK.

I was feeling a little stressed, a little
overworked, but I learned from the best.

You gotta be careful. You don't want
another one of those anal fissures.

I most certainly do not.
That was an awful time. A terrible time.

Like having two anuses.

- Do you have a picture?
- Well, I do.

- Really?
- The doctor said I was so special,

- I'm in all the books.
- Right on.

No, that's your kid.
There it is.

Right the fuck on. Looks like
a map of the western United States.

- Fine, I'll be your attorney again.
- Really? You will?

This is good news.

Yes. Unless I get you off,
you'll be of no use to anyone.

Me, most importantly.

Well, then I think you should
probably get me off.

- Nope. No more sex.
- What?

No more sexy time?

Well, I mean, if I'm going to see
this through to the end,

we can't have
a physical relationship.

- But we do have a physical relationship.
- Not any more, we don't.

But...

- But what?
- You got yours.

I know.
It was good too.

- I'm sorry, pal.
- Fine. Be that way.

You can give it up that easily?
I'm actually insulted.

It's not gonna be easy. I got a whole movie
playing in my head, and it's pretty arousing.

- I know that movie.
- Yeah?

- I love that movie.
- Starring you.

I guess it's just gonna have to
keep us going, huh?

- I guess so.
- It'll be interesting.

- What'll be interesting?
- Well, there will come a day

when all this horrid
legal strife is behind us.

- Lord, I fucking hope so.
- And...

it'll be interesting to...

see what you want then.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

- Hey, Ben.
- How are you, Hank?

How are you this evening?

You know, we never really got off
on the right foot, did we?

No, we didn't.
That's probably my fault.

It's definitely your fault.

- Your kid is talented.
- So's yours.

- Well, we got that in common, right?
- Yeah.

And we seem to have
the same taste in women.

You know, Hank,
I gotta be honest with you.

It's not what you think it is.

Not that I don't want it to be
what you think it is,

It's just she's not...
She's just not there yet.

OK, that's good to know.

That doesn't mean
I'm gonna stop trying.

I wouldn't expect you to.

If you did,
you wouldn't deserve her.

She sure is something special
all right.

Amen.