Californication (2007–2014): Season 3, Episode 7 - So Here's the Thing... - full transcript

Destroy me, Rick Springfield!

Christ on the cross, Hank.

My lungs are about to explode.

You didn't have to come.

You could have stayed home

and made the fucky-fucky
with the boss lady.

Hey, laugh all you want.

How many people can say

they've been in the same honey pot

as Jack Nicholson?

How many people in the l.A. phone book?



Ah, who am I kidding?

I used to be Charlie Runkle.

Now...

I'm Runkle!

Hmm. Look at us, Runkle.

L.A. has made us soft.

You used to be able to run for
the lexington avenue express

with the best of them,

elbowing investment
wankers out of the way.

Your cell phone in one hand,

your mammoth ball sack in the other,

a Hollywood reporter between your teeth,

not even breathing so you wouldn't

inhale the fucking piss stench.



Jesus Christ, we're out
here 'cause of Karen,

Aren't we?

That's right.

The Gods have seen fit
to give me another shot

with the soul mate.

She's in New York, feathering the nest,

and I got to be ready for her,

mentally... physically...

sexually.

Maybe it's time to stop banging

the entire college campus.

Right you are...

Motherfucker.

Right as rain.

It's time for me to grow
up, do the right thing.

Easier said than done, though, huh?

Nah, Jackie's 23.

She's not looking to make
those breasteses exclusive.

And Jill, she knows I
got a snip and a baby.

And Felicia, I'm just
a daydream to her...

an escape hatch from the deanery.

Shit, I can get this done in one day...

breakfast, lunch, dinner,

then home for some
cybersex with the soul mate.

That's not a bad idea.

You kidding? It's a terrible idea.

The lighting is subpar,

very difficult to properly showcase

one's dangling majesty.

But it sure beats phone-ilingus.

You wanted to see me, professor Moody?

Jackie, my prized pupil.

Come on in. Have a
seat and shut the door.

Or... or wait. Don't...
don't shut the door.

I don't know. What... what do you think?

Well, I think you're
more of a thrill-seeker

than I thought if you want
to fuck me with the door open.

I know. You know, I... I think,

a... as you got to know
me, you'd find that I was

pretty much of a fuddy-duddy,

just an old-fashioned...

Yeah, I actually wanted
to talk to you about that.

I think that we need to
spice things up a little bit.

I'm getting sort of tired
of being on top all the time.

Oh, well, don't... don't knock cowgirl.

That's... that's my favorite "posish."

You know, I do some of my
best work from the bottom.

- You know why?
- Why?

I got my hands free.

It's like sexual bluetooth.

I missed you. It's been a while.

Yeah, about that...

did you miss me?

Well, sure I did,

tons.

Um... look, here's the thing.

Oh, my God. Seriously?

You're trying to end this thing.

Uh, a thing, is it?

Wow, well, it sounds to
me like you're dumping me.

That's harsh when you put it that way,

but, uh, that's exactly right,

in a manner of speaking.

You're a lovely girl, the
loveliest of the loveliest.

This is because of that woman, isn't it?

Who was in class the other day...

your old lady.

That's the woman what done it, yes.

So, um...

you're back with her now?

She is the mother of my child.

Oh, and she doesn't mind
you sleeping with students

who aren't very much
older than that child?

Well, that is... low.

Oh, coming from the
guy who loved my work

and found me
oh-so-talented,

but now has grown tired of fucking me.

Really? Have I... have
I made you feel that way?

It's cool. Don't sweat it.

It's not like it was serious, right?

Just fun?

Fun it was.

Besides, I'm a sex worker, right?

What does that mean?

Don't worry about me.

I can't get hurt.

I'm just a hot piece of stripper ass.

You have your fun with
me, and then you're done.

I got it, loud and clear.

I don't like the way that sounds.

Well, maybe I don't
like the way it feels.

Jackie, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry.

No need to make a fuss.

We can handle this like adults.

In fact, since I'm...

right here...

Mm-hmm.

Why not just, uh,
blow you one more time?

Oh. Well...

No, that's really not necessary.

Oh, come on, just let the sex worker

do what the sex worker does best.

No, no, no, no.

Moody, I...

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
what is going on here?

Oh! This is so not what it seems.

I knew it. I knew you
were a depraved lunatic.

Well, that may very well be the case,

but things are not
always as they appear.

Good God, man, your fly is open.

Thank you for embarrassing
me in front of my student.

What do you have to say
for yourself, Jackie?

Well, he said he'd give me an "a."

Oh, that is some fucked-up
shit right there, woman.

Reverse course.

I'm gonna have you drawn and quartered.

Maybe Jackie's gonna
want to press charges

against the aging degenerate

who compromised her college experience.

Maybe I will.

What the fuck?

But I can't.

Why on Earth not?

'Cause I was just kidding.

You were kidding?

Look, I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.

He was just giving me notes on a story.

We were talking

about the ending, actually,
of the story, right?

Mm-Hmm. Yes.

- And he thinks it's over.
- Right.

But I know that it's just begun.

Right.

But don't worry, Dean Koons, really.

He's never done anything
even remotely inappropriate.

Really, he's very boring

and so not my type.

I like them darker,

handsomer.

God, you have great eyebrows, sir.

A girl could really get
lost in those things.

He's got, uh, pretty blue
eyes, too, doesn't he?

Gorgeous.

Well, thank you. Thank you, Jackie.

That's very kind of you.

You're welcome.

Thanks for the help.

I'll show myself out.

You have a thunderous
erection right now, don't you?

Ohh!

I'll close the door,
give you some privacy.

Oh, yeah. That's... oh,
that's mama's sweet spot.

Lower. Ah, lower.

Ah! Another two inches,
I'll read your spec script.

Oh, no, I don't do that.

Oh, you're one of those, huh?

No happy endings, just cliff-hangers.

Well, get the fuck out of here!

I've grown weary. I have work to do.

Runkle! I need you on my carpet!

Crazy bitch.

Morning, Sue.

Agh! That guy... fired up the grill

and walked out of here
with an uncooked wiener.

Can you believe that?

It's what happens when buddhists

commandeer a profession

that rightfully belongs
to well-hung swedes.

So it is.

What about you?

Have you emptied the chamber today?

Well, as a matter of fact...

Of course you have. You're Runkle.

You'd whack it to a
cat dancing on Youtube.

But I'm in the mood.

Want to fire off another round, huh?

Phone call for you, Sue.

Rhonda, you know better
than to interrupt me

when I'm entertaining a gentleman.

It's him.

Him?

Mm-hmm.

Everybody out.

Uh-Huh.

Mm-Hmm.

How you doing?

Everything good out here?
You... you hip-pocketing anyone?

That was always my move as an assistant.

I know she's seen your penis.

Guess what, Rhonda?

She's not alone.

11,000 hits on redtube.

Whoo.

Don't go anywhere, Runkle.

I need you.

Jillybean.

Nice to see you.

- Wow, classy.
- Ah.

Moody, real tablecloths.

You trying to tell me something?

'Cause I didn't even think
we were dating, per se.

That's interesting, because...

I've been doing some thinking,

- and I wanted to...
- Yeah, me too.

- You have?
- Mm-Hmm.

Ladies first.

Actually, not that much thinking,

just a medium amount of thinking,

'cause too much with the thinking,

that does me in.

That's how I jinx things.

So now I'm just taking it slow,

going day by day.

Mm-Hmm.
Mm-Hmm.

What were you gonna say?

Okay.

Okay, look, here's the thing.

Oh, my God. Oh, my sweet fucking God.

- What?
- Jack.

My egg-waster. Ohh!

- That's the ex dull normal?
- Yeah.

The guy I waited half a fucking decade

to propose to me.

- That guy?
- Yes!

And he dumped me, in a
place just like this...

- fucking Italian food.
- Really?

That is a dick move.

Yeah. And you know what else?

He said it was unethical for him

to keep dating me, knowing
that I wanted to get married

and have kids,

and he wasn't ready for those things.

Well, see, that... that sounds

pretty morally upstanding to me.

- In fact...
- Really?

'Cause it didn't stop him

from having regular sex
with me for five years.

But you could have
gotten rid of him, right?

Wash that man right out of your hair.

Boom! End of problem.

Have you ever thought
about being the dumper

instead of the dumpee?

That's not a bad idea.

- Why don't you practice on me?
- Oh, my God!

Uhh! She has a ring. Look.

Look at her finger.

Do you see that
monstrosity on her finger?

They're fucking engaged!

- I, uh...
- Oh!

Oh, my God, I...

What is my move here? What do I do?

Nothing. There is no move.

I have to go and say hi?

No! Fuck, no. You don't say hi.

But that's what normal people do.

Jill, you've got to
get out of your own way.

The only thought in your head right now

should be, "fuck that guy."

I'm really starting to think

that's the only piece
of advice you have.

This is what you should do.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God, Moody.

Moody.

Oh, my God, it is you.

Yeah, it's me, buddy. Kind of busy here.

Well, excuse me for having
the nerve to come up to you

and say hi in public.

Don't blow me off.

I just wanted you to know

that I got the test results back.

And, uh, shit, I hope
you have the courage

to inform the rest of
your sexual partners,

Because lord knows I never had the herp

before you blew me until
I was shooting blood

at the Palm Springs white party.

Whatever.

I hope you and your beard

have a wonderful rest of the day.

- Now...
- Oh, God.

Okay, can I just tell you
that being incredibly sweet

and sensitive to my situation right now

is not making me want
to fuck you any less.

Let's go, baby.

Okay, so here's the thing.

Ugh. He's my life, Charlie.

He's my first client.

I can't lose him. I am
fucked if I lose him.

Let me handle this for you, Sue.

Knock-knock. Runkle calling.

How you doing there?

Hello, hello.

I'm Charlie Runkle and...

Are you the law?

Or are you an outlaw?

'Cause there's only one I can abide.

Sue, uh...

Susan.

No harm, man.

Come in peace.

I owe you an apology.

Don't do this.

Just get your head out of your ass,

and you don't have to apologize.

Come on, Sue, you know I love you.

Then why change?

It's... it's not about chasing
some shiny Hollywood dream.

Hell, I've...

I've snorted, fucked,
and smoked everything

Hollywood has to offer.

Heh.

It's...

it's about my legacy.

These young bulldogs from UTK
came up nipping at my heels,

Saying they could put my face
on a salad-Dressing bottle

and sell millions for charity...

Paul Newman-type shit.

Shit is exactly what it is.

UTK gives that speech

to every potential client over 50.

It's how they poach boomers...
by preying on idealism.

Who the fuck are you?

I am Charlie Runkle.

You can call me Chuck.

Look, what they want to do

is turn you into a corporate brand, man.

Forget Paul Newman.

Uh, UTK is more likely

to put your name on a McDonald's cup.

Sue here is the one... stop the vomit.

Listen, Sue.

Did you bring me one
of those mba twerps,

or is this guy a man?

Oh, no. He's a man.

Right.

Well, then let's settle this like men.

You want me to fight you?

You lick me, I go with her.

I lick you, you will leave the premises.

All right, Runkle.

- I... wha...
- Uhh!

Pound him!

I'm not gonna hit an old man.

I heard that, pantywaist.

Forget to take your
pamprin this morning?

Okay, then.

How do you propose we do this, huh?

We're gonna do it tiger style?

Or do you like the spider, hmm?

Hmm?

Aah! Unh!

Come on.

Sue is Sue!

She believes in people, not brands.

She had your back when
you were living in her van.

She'll have it till
the day you di... Ow!

That's my fucking bad nipple!

You want your face on
some salad dressing,

sue will get you some
motherfucking salad dressing.

Agh!

Arrgh!

Ohh! God, fuck.

My Goddamn sciatica.

Fuck the whimpering dog pack!

Go with the lioness!

I'm in.

Get the fuck off me.

Runkle.

Come on, you.

Come on.

You almost gave me a
heart attack, you old bear.

Oh, Susie, you know I
never would have left you.

I didn't want to sign
with those UTK guys.

They're the laugh of the town

with that agent that's
masturbating all the time.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

That place is unsavory.

Oh, professor Moody.

- Oh, you shouldn't have.
- Can I come in?

Uh, not the best of times, actually.

Well, I have some
important things to discuss,

weighty things...

stuff I'd like to get off my chest.

Well...

by all means, then.

I really do have a meeting.

Okay, okay.

So look, here's the thing.

No. No, no.

This is yummier.

You're quitting. I know.

You're moving back to
New York, aren't you?

You and kelly are going
to give it another go.

Karen. Karen.

Whatever.

The point is, I assumed
you'd be moving back.

Not to worry, we'll be fine.

Life goes on.

I'm sure I could just
cruise by home depot

and find someone more
suitable for the job.

Hmm.

Well...

You can't say we didn't
give it a shot, right?

We gave it the old
college try, didn't we?

Did you, Hank?

I like to think so.

Oh, well, that's all that matters, then.

You seem rather annoyed with me.

Ah, it's all for the best, really.

What's for the best?

Well, seeing as though

I made an absolute fool out of myself,

I can't say that I'm
entirely sad to see you go.

No, it's true, really.

You know...

I offered myself to you,
and you weren't interested.

Whoa, Felicia, that's not
exactly how it went down.

Y... you have some
serious relationship issues

to attend to, as do I.

And the most that we could
have offered each other

is some... sexual healing...

pleasures of the flesh
and whatnot, that's all.

Oh, but that's exactly
what I was looking for.

Oh, no, no, no. You say that, but...

- No, it is.
- No, but... but...

After a while, I would
work my way under your skin

like the slow-moving fungus that I am.

And you... I've always
been a sucker for a woman

who's a boy on my arm
and a puma in the bedroom.

If only I could have just
had one little nibble.

A nibble's not enough. We
both know that, Felicia.

Yeah. It's all for the best.

- So we're cool?
- Yes, we're cool.

Okay.

That's my meeting.

You know what? You can...
you can go out this door

if... if you'd like,
if it's more convenient.

But I... my... my car
is right out front,

- so why don't I just...
- Oh, of course.

I'll see you out.

Oh, oh, wait, wait.

- David.
- Hey.

Ooh.

- Come in.
- You look good.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. Uh, am I early?

- Am I interrupting something?
- Not at all.

Yeah, well, he kind of is.

Nonsense. Professor
Moody was just leaving.

Hank Moody. David Wilder.

Big fan. Big, big fan.

David's another of our notorious writers

- at the university.
- Yeah, the hardest of woods.

- Yeah.
- I'm aware.

You know, before you came along,

I was in a fair amount
of trouble with this one

for bedding the local talent.

So thank you for taking
the pressure off me.

Ah, you're welcome...

I guess.

Yeah, it's, uh... it's given me

a hell of a lot of time
to work on my writing,

which is nice, 'cause you
know what I like to do?

I like to sit at my desk,

and I like to brew up
a big mug of word tea.

Word tea? Sure.

You should probably go.

We have work to discuss.

Where... where exactly is, uh,

his royal deanness this evening?

Oh, he's out with friends,

re-creating, uh, the
battle of Chickamauga.

That's interesting.
That's very interesting.

No, it's not, actually.
It's dull as shit.

You're doing it, aren't you?

You're cashing in your
freebie, your marital hall pass.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, you do. You're gonna
stick it to the deaner

by letting Wilder here show
you his hardest of woods.

I beg your pardon.

Uh, hey, buddy, that is
completely out of line.

Don't... don't do it, Felicia.

Don't throw it all away
for a few clumsy minutes

with the poor man's version of me,

the road-show version of me.

Hey, you know what?

Bragging's not my thing, but
I can go for hours, Moody.

Stay and watch. Be my guest.

Maybe she'll take us both on.

Hank, this is none of your business.

Even if I was cashing
something in or whatever...

Felicia, don't do it.

Don't... don't... don't chuck it all

for the fucking nutty professor here.

This is bullshit.

You know what? That is uncalled for.

And we both know that I'm not black.

When was the last time, by the way,

that you published anything, Moody?

You know what? Easy for you to say.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You have no...

You just got back
with your ex-whatever,

just as things were starting
to heat up between us.

You know what, Felicia?

It's up to you.

You know that I would
jump at the opportunity

to make sweet, hard love to you.

You have the... you have the ass

of a
ten-year-old boy.

Hank, please, just go.

It's too little, too late.

I can't.

Fine. You're a big girl.

You can make your own decisions.

Be good to her, Wilder.

She's way out of your league.

I concur.

Hey, uh, Moody...

I have a book coming out this spring.

Do you think maybe you
can write me up a blurb?

What's this one called,
the buoyancy of turds?

Think about it. I'll
send you a copy, okay?

I think he's drunk.

So how do you want to do this?

Do you want to just kick back

and start with a little oral, huh?

Do you want a little bit of this?

Or should I go for a little
bit of that, you know?

Because I'll tell you something,

I could eat that peach all night long.

I just camp out...

S'mores.

Yeah, I think you'll find

that I'm a very giving
and caring lover...

so you don't have to worry...

Fine, I'll do it.

You want to throw
your life away, use me.

What? That's the most
ridiculous thing I've...

Please! Go!

Mmm, mmm.

Ohh.

Wilder, go brew yourself
a big mug of word tea...

and dip your balls in it.

Huh.

Behind the green door
is available on Blu-Ray.

Laser disc.

People who sold their laser discs

were absolute assholes,

fools and assholes.

Oh! What?

Flip it.

Ah, flip it!

Wow.

Okay.

So where is the man of
the house this evening?

Berlin.

Think he is bidding on an
Egyptian fertility amulet.

It's quite rare, really.

It's the world's first
depiction of a butt plug.

Excellent. Excellent.

Good for him.

I must toast you.

What you did today was astonishing.

Thank you, Sue.

When you started, I thought,

"My God, this man has
diarrhea of the mouth

and there is no kaopectate in sight."

But the poetry...

that poured out of you...

I mean, you cast your rod,

and you hooked the old swordfish,

and you reeled him in by his taint.

To Charles W. Runkle,

my hero.

No. No.

To you, Sue.

- Ahh.
- Well, look at that.

So let's get this party started!

Hmm.

Toot?

Uh...

why not?

Wow, that's, uh...

that's a nice coke straw.

Very classy.

Yeah. It was given to
me by a female member

of fleetwood mac.

Ahh.

Whew!

Stevie Nicks?

Oh, I can't say.

But it wasn't Christine McVie

or Lindsey Buckingham.

Yeah, Lindsey's a dude.

Exactly.

I have a deviated septum.

Oh...

Well, you really shouldn't
touch this stuff at all.

You know, that really burns.

I want you to do me a solid, Runkle.

I need you to blow this up my bum...

You know, a tush toot.

The old coke in the can, huh?

No biggie.

Ha! Heh, no, it's no biggie...

No biggie at all.

Got anything a little longer?

We'll use this.

Whoa. Not so fast.

Where you going on a
school night, young lady?

Actually, I was hoping

we could go grab some ice cream,

make those coldstone
guys work for their tips.

Really?

What, like me and you?

Together?

Like father and daughter,
almost, together?

to the stone that is cold, together?

That's cool.

What the fuck?

Hank! Mr. Moody.

You're not gonna "Mr. Hank"

your way out of this one, Chelsea.

- Jesus Christ.
- Becca said you'd be gone.

Dad, can you please be cool?

Be cool?

I don't know how much spunk

this kid has deposited
all over your bedroom!

Okay, that was unsavory, all right?

But it had to be said. Now, time to go!

Come on, Chelsea.

Ow.

- You limping, Hank?

Yes, I went jogging this
morning, Chelsea, okay?

Now go.

You're not interested in what I'm doing.

Is this really how you want
to spend your school nights?

I wasn't doing anything wrong.

You weren't doing anything wrong?

Becca, you invited your friends over

to fuck in your bedroom
while you waited outside.

That is disgusting.

And that's hilarious,
coming from you and all.

What? I don't understand you.

What the fuck are you thinking?

Do you think this house is a bordello?

Okay, look...

- Here's the thing.
- Actually, dad, yes.

This house is a bordello,

because that's how it's run by you!

Now, don't you try to turn
this around on me. Becca!

Becca! Don't go out that door!

Might as well live
whatever life I have left

before you ship me off to New York!

Becca.

Becca!

Becca.