Californication (2007–2014): Season 3, Episode 5 - Slow Happy Boys - full transcript

Flight 2570, New York, JFK,
now boarding all rows.

OK, well, there you go, young lady.
Off into the wild blue yonder.

Great. Maybe I'll get lucky
and my plane will explode in mid-air.

I don't get it, Becks.

What could possibly be so awful
about visiting the woman

who pushed you through
her magnificent vagina?

In New York. In the fall, no less.

You're gonna be stepping off that plane
into a Woody Allen film.

And not recent Woody Allen,
old Woody Allen.

Annie Hall,
Manhattan Woody Allen.

I'm pretty jealous right now.



- Chelsea has Lakers tickets.
- So what? You hate basketball.

You're missing the point.
It's a killer scene.

I know you're in there
somewhere, baby girl.

My sweet little partner in crime.

And you're having a good laugh about this,
even if it's only on the inside.

All right, well, have a nice trip.

Kiss Mama Bear for me.
I love you.

- Stay.
- Stay.

Stay. Stay.

Come on, turn around, just once.
Then I'll know you still love me.

Please, God, send me
a sign from on high.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

- All right, well, she's up, up and away.
- I'm so excited.



I can't wait to squeeze
that little peanut.

I wouldn't get too excited.
She hasn't been very pleasant lately.

- Kind of a little shit, actually.
- Hey, come on. Don't poison the well.

I know we're gonna have
a great time, she and I. I can feel it.

Okus-dokus. I'm just warning you,

something post-pubescent
and wicked your way comes.

- I wish you could come with.
- Yeah, me too.

I'm not looking forward
to this weekend much.

- Come on, Hank. He's your best friend.
- Yeah, once upon a time, in Long Island.

He calls me up out of the blue.
Haven't talked to him in years.

- He's got something important to talk about.
- Whatever. Just have fun, you know?

All right. Call me when she lands.
Give her a kiss for me.

Give yourself a kiss for me too.

- Talk to you later.
- Bye. Bye.

Moody! You handsome motherfucker.
I just have to have me a piece of that ass.

- Fuckin'...
- Wait, I'm not through.

- Zloz, shit.
- What's up, buddy?

Where'd that plane come from, 1987?

You look exactly the same.
And that smell.

What is that, booze,
cigarettes, and Drakkar Noir?

- Takes me right back.
- Yeah, well, what about you? Look at you.

You look like half a fag
in this smoking jacket.

You smell pretty much the same...
like a cock dipped in shit.

It's good to see you, man.

- Yeah, it's been a long time.
- Yeah, well, whose fault is that?

Who never comes back to the island?

Fuckin' fancy book writer
Hank Moody, that's who.

Well, you know, they won't let me back.

I divulged too many small-town secrets.

- Named too many names.
- Right.

Well, here I finally am, man, in LA.

- L fuckin' A.
- Yeah, well, what's up?

You sounded pretty mysterious
on the phone.

Later for that, man.
There's plenty of time to shoot the shit.

First, I want to see Britney's vertical smile.

I don't know if she's showing this week.
I'll have to check the schedule.

All right, then,
I want to act like a millionaire

and get properly faced with my
best buddy in the whole world, Hank Moody.

- All right.
- What do you say?

I say we do it. Let's shoot the moon.
If we only get halfway there, so be it.

It's better than working for the man.

Or dying five miles
from where you were born.

Mr Amato.

11 th-grade English. Words to live by.

You know, come on,
let's get fuckin' ossified.

How many kids now?

Three, which is...

three too fuckin' many.

Look, I made you come with one finger.
You imagine what I could do with the rest.

Jesus Christ, Zloz, that old chestnut?
Stand down, charm school.

I apologise for my friend.
He's sick in the head.

Just two days out of the asylum.
He's doing OK, having said that.

We'd like another round, my lady,
if you don't mind. Thank you.

- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- What? What?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

There's smokin' hot bitches
everywhere you look, you know?

- What's the move here?
- The move?

They all seem
like a bunch of stuck-up cunts.

That's the move. That's the line.
Try that one out. See where it gets you.

- You still pulling a ton of ass?
- I do all right.

Yeah? I got my dick wet first.
Remember that shit.

- You guys ready to settle up?
- Yeah.

- No, fuck you.
- No, let me. Let me.

- Look at you.
- Look at me.

You know... I feel a little
underdressed in this joint.

That's because you are underdressed.
You look like a fuckin' landscaper.

I am a fuckin' landscaper.

- I own my own business now, thank you.
- Terrific. Good for you.

Not quite as nice as getting paid
to make shit up.

- That is much harder than it looks.
- Right.

Oh, man. I'd love to have her
sit on my face before I die.

Like you'd ever cheat on Kim.
How is she?

- That's what I meant to tell you, man.
- What?

- We're through.
- What?

We called it quits, man. It's over.

- What happened?
- Got in a fight.

Words were spoken.
Household appliances were thrown.

I got in a cab,
hopped on a plane for LA.

You don't mind if I crash on your couch
for a couple of weeks, do you?

Yeah, I mind. I'm trying to raise
a daughter, numbnuts.

Oh, Becca. How's she doing?
What is she now, 15, 16?

You're not gonna do any better than Kim.
She's beautiful.

I used to jerk off to that girl
every night in high school, almost.

- You were my hero when you nailed her.
- Well, how does the saying go?

For every beautiful woman,
there's a guy who's bored of fucking her.

Let's get out of here. Where's the party?

- What party?
- There's a party out there somewhere.

And there's a blonde with big tits
waiting for me to bang her stupid, all right?

Call your agent. Isn't that
what he gets paid to do, shit like that?

You don't know my agent.

Great, so we'll see you there.

OK, looking forward to it.
Any friend of yours.

I'll see what I can do about the blonde.

With big tits, right? I'll make a note of that.
See you, Hank.

Hey, you.

Hey there, porn star.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Your boobs, they're really big.
- I know, right?

So that's what my last
ten grand looks like, huh?

Yep. You can touch them, if you like.

- Really?
- Well, sure. You paid for 'em.

Feel me up, citizen.

I knew you'd be back, you know,
sooner or later.

- Oh, yeah? You did?
- Sure, I said so, didn't I?

- This one's heavier.
- Yeah, you did.

Yeah, when I broke up with you.
You were all, "You'll be back.

"They all come back sooner or later."

Exactly. The thing is, though, Daisy,

see, as much as I look back fondly
on our little afternoon in the sun,

I don't think I can go back there.

I'm trying to mend fences with the missus.

You two are great together.
Good luck with that.

- Well, thank you.
- OK.

- I have something I need to tell you.
- I'm all ears.

Eyes, Charlie.

OK. I've been making the rounds,
informing my partners

of the various STDs I've contracted.

Nothing crazy, mind you.
Nothing life-threatening or anything like that.

But you might want to get to a doctor
and have him whip up some kind of cocktail.

Help fight it off. Cos let me tell you,
this is some really pernicious shit.

My vagina looks like
downtown Baghdad right now.

- Charlie, are you OK?
- Yeah, I think so.

I'm just a little dizzy.
And clammy too.

Do I feel clammy to you?
Is that how it starts?

Hey, this is some serious
Scarface shit here.

- Runkles!
- Hey, it's the boys.

Runkles.

This here is the almighty Zloz,
my oldest friend from the island of long.

- Mr Almighty, pleasure to meet you.
- You too. Mike Zlozowski.

- Very nice to meet you guys.
- You've known him a long time.

Let me ask you,
was he always such a prick?

Always! He's always been a ball-buster.

I spent half my life making sure this guy
didn't get his fuckin' teeth kicked in.

- That's true. He's my bodyguard.
- Welcome, boys.

- Hey.
- And girl.

So! You must be Runkle.

- In fact, I am.
- I see what you mean.

- Great head for helming.
- Yeah.

This is my husband, Ricardo Collini.

- Call me Dickie.
- Have fun, cap'n. You too.

Hold on a minute there.
You're married?

Yeah, 25 years and counting.

- I had no idea.
- Well, you never asked.

I feel very strange about this.

Runkle, don't worry.
Dickie and I have a very...

a very open relationship.

But, as you can see,
he has some limitations.

He is, however, a master of the oral arts.

You ought to try him sometime, honey.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.

Is your father a lumberjack?

Because every time I look at you,

I get serious wood in my pants.

Come on, what...
What, do you think you're better than me?

- Come on.
- Nice one, Shecky Greene.

To the City of Angels
and its stuck-up snatch.

Can't we do better than that? Let's drink
to Levittown, from whence we came.

I don't know, Moody.
I think I could get used to this, you know.

I got a few screenplay ideas.

What's stopping me
from taking this town by storm?

Me. Just me. I won't let you.

Oh, yeah? You gonna get in my way?

You gonna keep it all for yourself?

That? That out there?
That's a fuckin' mirage.

That doesn't exist, behind me.

You got everything you could
ever want or need back home. Trust me.

What the fuck do you know about
back home? You got out years ago.

Now, it's easy for you to spout
some working-class hero

Springsteen bullshit about
the sanctity of small towns

when you're driving a Porsche
through the promised land.

- You got it all wrong, man.
- I got it all wrong? Listen.

You see that girl over there?

- Yes.
- I'm gonna go talk to her.

Maybe she's warm for my form,
maybe not, but...

You know, I'm no Marky Mark,
but I'm going down swinging tonight.

- All right.
- Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Fuck.

What are you doing?
Wow, this is...

Yeah!

Look... All this erotica, got me all...

- Grande.
- Yeah.

I'm all sexed up and shit.

And you know how I am.
The more I gets, the more I wants.

Yeah, but not tonight, maybe.
You know, maybe we just take a break.

What? Why don't you want to fuck me?

Cos this is my boss's house. That's why.

Yeah, baby, and your boss is a stone freak.

I think she would very much approve of a
quickie happening right under her own roof.

Well, really, I'm sore still.
I mean, chafed, really.

OK, what the fuck is going on?

Nothing, I'm just, you know,
I guess a little...

overwhelmed by the whiplash
nature of our relationship...

Bullshit! You fucked someone else,
didn't you?

No! No, never.
I am done with that behaviour.

Something's going on with you.

Daisy came to see me.

I knew it!

I fucking knew it. A woman knows that shit.

So, what, you want to get
back together with her now?

You gonna have skanky little porno babies?

Why don't you make up your
fucking mind already, Runkle?

No!

No, I told her I want to be with you.

Only you, my one true love.

Really?

What'd she say, that little tramp?

Well, actually, and this is interesting...

She said that she had
contracted a few STDs.

Nothing crazy, mind you.
Nothing a bolus of antibiotics wouldn't cure.

- Just knock it out.
- Oh, God.

No, I seriously think
I'm gonna throw up right now.

That is exactly what I said! Right?

Or, well, I don't know.
Maybe I said I was dizzy.

But it's the same difference, really.

Fuck! Fuck.

I'm taking your little fucking girl car, Charlie.

And don't you dare bother
coming home tonight!

Fucking hell.

Dude! She's got a cock!

Really? Sure it wasn't just
an oversized clit?

I know a cock when I touch one.

We were messing around, OK,
in the hot tub.

I was getting ready to close.
She wants to tell me something.

I thought she had a boyfriend.

Next thing I know, she's guiding my hand
down to her thin, bent dong.

- Then what, you gave her a handy?
- Fuck you. I fuckin' clocked her.

Zloz. You can't do that.
That's a human being.

You can't just be
throwing punches at people.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Moody?

Have you been in LA so long that a chick
with a dick means nothing to you?

- Your friend's a closeted fucking homo!
- OK.

That's what I've been
telling him for years. I have, really.

See, them's fightin' words.

- Asshole.
- You're gonna hit me?

I thought you knew. When I realised
you didn't, I tried to break it to you gently.

Well, for what it's worth,
I think you're beautiful.

I think you totally pass for a lady.

- Thank you, sweetie.
- Any time.

That's great. Why don't you guys
get a room and suck each other's dicks?

I think he knew, deep down.

- He was looking for a little meat.
- Possib...

Shit.

Zloz!

Boys, enough!

Up.

There'll be no fighting in this house.
This place is made for love.

The Collinis are open to all sizes,
shapes, and sexual preferences.

Ignorance will not be tolerated.

You're absolutely right, Sue.
We are deeply ashamed.

Deeply. Right, Zloz?

- Maybe you are...
- Zloz.

I am deeply ashamed...

that I touched a tranny's cock.

All right, all right!

Now that we've got that cleared away,

you boys wanna go skiing with me?

Yeah, OK.

Hank, this is more like it!

You see the mams on this broad?

This guy was your BFF? I don't see it.

You wouldn't know it to look at him now,
but he was the coolest kid in high school.

Not the smartest, but he was definitely
the funniest. A regular fuckin' riot.

He had the hottest girlfriend.

We all wanted to be him.
I worshipped the guy.

- I like you like this.
- Like what?

Like my new boyfriend.

Be careful, ladies.
I think I might have an STD.

You don't happen to have a dick, do you?
No offence.

None taken.

Nope! No dick.

No pubic hair, either. Dig that shit.

I'm sorry I doubted you, sweetheart.

Bad boy. I'm gonna punish you.

You're my bitch. You my bitch?

That's right. Oh, yeah.

You wanna be my... What... Dude.
Wait, hey.

Hey! Stop it!

Asshole! Get off!

Hey! Hey, fucker!

You're out of here!

Hey, whoa, whoa. Whoa! What happened?
What'd he say? What'd he do?

He was sucking on her titty,
and that ain't cool.

That is not cool.
What the fuck are you thinking?

Did you see those things? They were epic.

It was like Pamela Anderson
meets Samantha Fox.

- Remember Samantha Fox?
- Shut up.

- Tits for days!
- I apologise.

- Tits for days!
- Shut up!

I'm throwing working class
out on his ass.

- Working class?
- Yeah.

Watch it!

You with me, compadre?

Well, good morning, Teach.

Our very first sleepover.

I wish I remembered more of it.

Did we take a bubble bath?

There is evidence
to support that theory, yes.

Can I ask you a favour?

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Did we...
- Oh, fuck, yeah.

- Was I any good?
- The best.

You've got a great cock.

Fuckin' A.

Good times.

Morning, kids.

- Dude.
- Buddy?

This place is beautiful, man.

Takes your breath away sometimes.

That's one of the perks.

That and In-N-Out Burger.

- I got a question for you.
- Shoot.

How come you never made it
to my wedding, man?

Oh, man.

I don't know.

I guess I was pissed.

You know...
I didn't want to see you ruin your life.

We had a plan.

- Right, and I fucked it up.
- Well...

We were gonna get out of there,
the two of us, together.

You were gonna be a rock star.
I was gonna be a famous writer.

That's the way I thought back then.
Black and white.

I was a fuckin' idiot.
Couldn't have been more wrong.

You did a beautiful thing.

You stepped up, married that girl,
had a family.

Don't fuck it up.

Don't chase these
girls with fake titties

and half-baked screenplay ideas.

Dude, I'm sorry about your father, man.

Yeah. Thank you.

Thanks for the flowers that you sent.

Did you hear about Mr Amato?

- He passed away last year.
- Did he?

- Yeah.
- Shit.

Well, I guess that really proves his theory.
That you really do die

less than five miles
from where you were born.

Now, that might happen to me now.

What? What do you mean?

Man, you know,
I get these nosebleeds.

What do you mean, nosebleeds?
What are you talking about?

I never thought much about them,
but Kim finally made me go to the doctor.

And it turns out I'm sick, dude.

What do you mean, sick?
What kind of sick?

I mean sick like
I got something I gotta deal with sick.

I got to get a whole shitload of tests.
I keep putting it off.

That's why Kim and I had
that big fuckin' blowout, man.

It's not a good time right now.

At least I got to see all this, though, man.

Zloz... Yo!

You're not gonna die.

Maybe, you know. Maybe not.

Whatever happens, it's got me thinking
about a lot of things, you know?

About how fuckin' short it all is.

How you and I, once upon a time,
we were thick as thieves.

I don't know what happened.

I just wish I knew
the moment where it all changed,

- because I would do things differently.
- You didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't mean to let things
slide with you, Zloz.

I guess I did.

You were my best friend, Hank.

I'll never forget. Some of the greatest
times of my life, you know?

Maybe that makes me
a big, pathetic fuckin' loser,

but once upon a time has got
to count for something, I figure.

- Right?
- Of course it does.

I just didn't belong there any more.

Fuck, I don't belong here, either.

It doesn't change the fact
that I love you, man.

Look at you, Moody.
I can't believe...

I haven't seen you cry
since Thurman Munson died.

You got to bring up Thurman Munson?
You fucking asshole.

- I had to go there because...
- Don't!

You were crying, I was crying.
It was beautiful.

You were crying about Andy Gibb.

Sorry I got to drop you off so early.
I got to pick up the little monster.

No worries.

Gives me plenty of time to get loaded
and piss myself on the plane.

- It was good to see you, Zloz.
- Yeah, you too, man.

Thanks for showing me a good time.

You know, what happens in LA...

- Right, brother?
- Yes, it stays in the vault.

You think you can patch things up
with the old lady?

To tell you the truth,
she doesn't even know I'm gone.

She was so pissed at me, she took off with
a couple of her girlfriends to Atlantic City.

So for all I know, she could have been
making out with a tranny too.

- You're a colossal pussy, you know that?
- You'd better come visit.

I got a bunch of kids with a shitload
of Hank Moody stories.

- They don't have a face to put to the name.
- That's not good.

- No, it's not.
- All right, well...

- Fuck it, I love you.
- Oh, God.

- I love you, Zloz.
- I love you too.

I love you too. Fuckin' homo.

OK, faggot. Go.

Hey, Zloz. Made you look...

at my cock.

Hey! Hello!

Look who's here. Hi. Wow.

Not even a hello. Wow, good times.

Good times, good times.

Hey, what are you doing?
What am I, your limo driver?

No, come on. You get in the front.

What? Were you just
gonna leave me behind?

Merry fucking Christmas.
Can we go home already?

Shut up.