Californication (2007–2014): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Devil's Threesome - full transcript

I don't think you heard me.
I wrote something.

- Hank wrote a new book? Can I read it?
- That's not appropriate.

I gave it to Karen.
She reads all my stuff first.

- Is there a copy?
- It's the only one.

I can't read it.

- Why not?
- I can't go back.

- I wanna go back where we were before.
- I don't think that's possible.

What the fuck?

I'm getting a bad feeling here.

I'm thinking you intend to give that
to someone who might already be engaged.

We had the sex, Karen.



I don't love you anymore.

I love Bill. I'm gonna marry Bill.

Get the fuck out of the car, man!

- Let me just grab this.
- No! Get the fuck out!

Shut the fuck up!

Kiss the tip!

What up, butterbean?

Hey, roomie. Top of the morning to you.
How about this beautiful

fucking weather we're having here.

It looks like another sunny day
in hell. What the fuck are you doing?

Now that I'm gonna be competing
for all this high-end pussy,

I gotta try to get this body in
to some kind of fighting shape.

That is a fool's errand, my friend.

- Don't be hating.
- Take it from somebody



who's been there. That shit
is emptier than a Michael Bay joint.

You're just over it now,
all of a sudden?

You know, new pussy may hold
the promise of something better,

but it sure as shit ain't love.

Great. So I shuck off the old ball and chain,
and you get thee to a nunnery.

- Perfect timing.
- And Marce?

I know you miss the Marce, right?
That sexy little smurf was good to you.

The sexy little smurf cheated on me
with my assistant.

But you cheated on her
with your assistant

- first.
- Point being?

- Your shit's fucked up.
- My shit's fucked up? What about yours?

That goes without saying,
but yours more.

Good, this is what I like
about having a roommate.

We got the banter going.
We got the petits bons mots.

- What you got going on later?
- I don't know...

I thought I'd start the day with some
dry toast and half a grapefruit,

bust out the old computer, bang out
10 pages, maybe go for a run.

Maybe I'll just jerk off
and go back to bed.

Wake me up when you come home.
We'll grab a cocktail, alright?

Have a good day at work, honey.

I was thinking, later, me and you...
We hit the gym. Tonight.

Jesus, enough already.
Just call your fucking wife.

Do whatever you have to do. Beg,
plead, cry. Get down on bended knee.

'cause I'm telling you,
no top-shelf pussy

- can compete with a good woman's love.
- Top shelf.

Top shelf, baby.

Jesus. Alright.
I'll go to the gym with you.

But I'm not wearing any dolphin shorts
or hanging any brain,

so don't get your hopes up.

You have a meeting
with your friend's daughter.

- She wants to be a writer.
- Not in the mood.

- Reschedule.
- Okay, no problem.

You got a minute, boss?

"Boss,"? I thought you were moving on.
When is your 2 weeks' notice up, anyway?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Things have gotten a little weird.

Oh, really?

They weren't always a little weird?

You didn't do anything wrong.

I went after something I wanted.
I started it.

That's right. That's...
You started it.

And that's where free will comes in.
Choices were made, boss.

I get your point.
So what's your choice?

I want to stay.

I want to learn from you.
I want to be an agent.

I see. So, first, you systematically
destroy my marriage,

and now you want me
to help with your career.

Well, fuck you

and fuck off!

OK, fair enough. I guess I'll just have
to look elsewhere for career guidance.

Maybe I'll start with H.R.
I bet they'd love to help,

especially when I told them
what I went through on your desk.

The spanking,
the crawling on the floor,

the sexual humiliation...

Seems you've got
the makings of an excellent agent.

So where do I start?

You start by going through
that slush pile over there.

Find me some great material.
Something I can sell.

You can't smoke in here.

What are you gonna do, kick my ass?

Hank, right?

Yeah. Have we met?

You gotta get in the ring.
This is fucking exhilarating.

I think I'm good.

- Pussy.
- Excuse me?

You heard me.
I called you a pussy.

You afraid to get your ass handed to you
by a woman?

Actually,
I'm in touch with that emotion.

What are you doing later?

Would you like
to get a drink with two guys

who'll work harder for your affection
than you imagined possible?

- Speak for yourself.
- That depends.

On what?

On whether or not your buddy over here
wants to get in the ring with me.

Hi. I've got a meeting
with Charlie Runkle.

Mia. I'm so sorry.
I know it's last-minute,

but he had to reschedule.
I tried to call you.

But my phone died.
Sorry, my bad.

I'm sure Charlie would love to
reschedule at your earliest convenience.

Right. Fine.

That's fine. Whatever.

Is there anything
I can help you with?

- Are you an agent?
- Not yet.

But I will be soon.

Well, I wrote this novel,
and I was just wondering

if Charlie would read it
and give me some notes,

- let me know if I'm on the right track.
- How old are you?

Sixteen.

And you've written a novel.
That's impressive. What's it about?

A 16-year-old girl
fucks a much older man

and finds herself both
spiritually and sexually awakened.

It's Nabokov meets Judy Blume
with lots of fucking and punching.

What's it called?

Fucking & Punching.

- I'd be happy to read it.
- You would?

- Cool.
- I'll give you a call when I'm done.

And we could meet
for coffee or something.

You might want to read it now.
You might not get another chance to.

It's up to you.

I'll be in here checking my e-mail.
Enjoy.

I'm sorry, I just can't place you.

The Circle Bar...

About a year ago.

You bought me a drink

and I spent the night
in your apartment,

doing things

I haven't done with anyone since.

You promised to call.

You didn't.

- Okay. That was low.
- Sorry.

Now I'm gonna have
to deduct a point.

You're starting to...

... look familiar.

Let me make it up to you.

Let me take you out to dinner
sometime or maybe get a drink.

Sure. After I beat
the living shit out of you.

Okay, now I'm thinking
I should wear a cup to dinner.

You really should've called her.
She seemed angry.

You think?

Another Vodka-Cranberry.

Fag.

I can't drink like you, okay?

I need something sweet
to help the medicine go down.

Faggoty fag fag fag.

This is cool, us hanging out here.

Just like... Raoul Duke
and Dr. Gonzo, right?

- Haven't done it since the salad days.
- When you used me to get laid.

Like when you used me
to get published.

- That worked, didn't it?
- For you, maybe. Not so much for me.

It worked for me.

And I never really got to sow
the wild oats the way I would've liked.

I was always too busy working.

And now you're haunted by it?

It's a pretty drink.

Most people go their whole life
and never really find someone they love.

They say they do because
everybody's the star

of their own little romantic comedy,
but they're full of shit.

You and me, we had women
that loved us for who we were,

really loved us for who we were,
and we fucked it up.

For what? Some stupid piece of ass
we forgot about 10 minutes later?

You're fun tonight.
Just don't worry so much, all right?

Everything's gonna work itself out.
It's just a phase we're going through.

Yeah. That's fantastic.

Okay. See you there.

That was Laura. From the gym.

- Shit. I just peed myself.
- Tap, tap, tap on the shoulder.

- She wants to meet us at your place.
- Ding. Round 2.

No, I quit. No m?s. No m?s.

- Are you finished yet?
- Hold on.

It's just a novella.
Are you one of those people

who move their lips when they read?
'Cause that can really slow you down.

So...?

Are you really 16?

I'm really 16.

Who are your influences?

I don't know...

Chuck Palahniuk...

Nick Cave...

Anything Hank Moody...

This is really good.

Don't blow smoke up my snatch.

- I'm not.
- You really think

- I've got something here?
- I really do, yeah.

Cool.

Thanks for reading.

Where are you going?

You just confirmed
what I already knew.

Why waste it on a tired warhorse
who cancels meetings at the last second?

I can help you.

Give me a break.
You're just an assistant.

For now, but not for long.

Would you rather be with someone who's
on their way up or on their way out?

Oh, no. Look at this.

- This is awkward.
- For you, maybe.

- What, no kiss?
- I'm through with that.

You want me,
you know where to find me.

You, on the other hand, little lady,

have been a very naughty
little smurf.

Bi-curious, are we?

Hey, he started it.
Spanking his assistant.

What happened to your face?

- Kicked in the ass by karma.
- I'm not a lesbian, by the way.

Says the girl
with her finger in the dyke.

Nice.

Witty. Clever.

We're on a serious break here.

You could do
whatever the fuck you want.

Get all the stank on your hang-low
you could get. Go for broke.

Don't think I won't do it. With this guy
as my wingman, I can't fail.

Sure you can.

No. Do not underestimate
your inability to attract women.

Just keeping it real.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting
tired of these vagina haters.

I enjoy the vagina.
As much as you.

Once upon a time, we would've
all gone in here together.

- All of us. To have a good time.
- Step aside, asswipes.

What the fuck happened to us?

Good times.

I have to ask. Why does she punch him
in the face just as he's about to cum?

You tell me.

I think maybe
she wants to wake him up.

Or maybe she's trying
to make sure he remembers her.

Or maybe it's just really hot.

Whatever happened
to "just plain hot"?

What do your parents make of this?

Well, my dad
doesn't pay much attention.

I mean, he means well,
you know, he just works... a lot.

And my mom... she's gone.

She got sick
a few years back and... died.

Let me help you with this.

- Why?
- Because I believe in your writing.

This thing is gonna be huge.
Can you imagine the headlines?

"16-year-old girl writes smartest,
sexiest book since "Lolita".

It'll be made into a movie.

Maybe Hank Moody
could write the screenplay?

Yeah.

I can't figure out
what happened to the poor guy.

I mean, he was such a great writer.

Let me let you in on
a little secret, young lady. You...

are much more talented
than you think you are.

You wanna be an actress?
I could have you working in no time.

- Really? So you'd take me on?
- In a heartbeat.

You're beautiful,
you're smart, you're funny,

and you can kick a man's ass
no problem.

- Got that right.
- Oh, not in the face!

Shit.

OK, that's it for me.
Good night and good luck.

Wait.

Not so fast.
What about my goodnight kiss?

Good night.

Be careful.

Remember me now?

I don't care what you think.

I just don't think
the punishment fits the crime.

I'm sorry that I don't remember you,

I'm sorry
that I didn't call you back.

I just think
that I had a very good reason.

But you can't remember it?

I'm gonna go to bed now.
You have fun. You two have fun.

There you go.

Now, I want you guys to be safe,

be responsible, use redundant forms
of birth control,

but mainly, just keep it down,

because I'm gonna be back there
trying to piss blood in peace.

Carry on, my wayward sons.

Do you know how hard it is
to get a girl off?

It is like disconnecting a bomb.

I mean, there's all these
wires and shit down there.

Who knows which one you're
supposed to cross or pull.

Plus, the studies show

that the female orgasm
is, like, what, 99% mental.

- Who has time for that?
- Okay, so that's good.

So you wanna go back to
the 4-minute grunt-fest?

Things like in, out, done.

Give me a mouthful of cock any day.

- Right.
- Suck, gargle, spit

works like a charm.
I mean, call me old-fashioned, but...

So, you're done with
the lesbitarian experiment.

The grass is always greener,
you know?

Isn't that how you ended up
engaged to be buried?

No Bill-bashing. You promised me.

- Stay on the subject.
- That is the subject.

Married people
bored out of their minds,

looking for some strange.

It never solves what was wrong
in the first place.

Like you're such a fucking expert.

I'm gonna tell you one thing.
That lying, cheating little cocksucker

is not moving back into my house

until I see some real fucking
remorse-itude, okay?

I want tears. I want jewelry.

Hank never bought me any jewelry.

Not then, no.
But he bought you that ring, didn't he?

What ring?

Fuck.

I spoiled the fucking
surprise, didn't I?

- What fucking surprise?
- Shit.

I'm getting married.
Why would Hank buy me a ring?

I don't know.

Charlie mentioned that...

he was on some kind of roll,
he got a bonus from the movie,

and then he went and blew it
on some antique ring.

Don't tell me that. What, for me?

Of course for you.

That's the kind of bling you like,
right? Dead people's jewelry?

Wait. What kind of ring
did Bill get you, again?

That's right. None.

It's on order, okay?

It's very special.

It's a Canadian diamond.

Are they good with
the diamonds, the Canadians?

I thought just the bacon.

- I need a favor.
- And I need some sleep. Go away.

- I'm getting close out here.
- Close to what?

Sealing the deal.

With lady Tyson?

- Good luck. Keep your hands up, though.
- Here's the thing, okay?

She seems amenable
to the naughty, OK?

But she seems even more amenable
if you're part of it.

I think she's got kind of
a thing for you.

No, I'm not going for that.
I've already given that girl

enough of my precious bodily fluids.

Hey, Hank, I think you need
to take one for the team here.

What team is that?

The team of you and me,
buddy, alright?

My wife is out there
trolling for snatch, OK?

Meanwhile, I've stumbled
onto some high-class,

once-in-a-lifetime fantasy shit here.

This kind of thing
doesn't happen for me every day.

No, I am aware,
and I feel your pain.

But there's no way
I'm gonna take a chance

of crossing swords with you
over some poor girl's "vajanus."

Alright. That's cool. I get it.

I'll go out there
and give it my best shot.

If it doesn't happen,
another time, right?

If not then,
there's always call girls,

interactive porn, plastic vaginas.
Thanks, buddy. I feel much better now.

Fuck it, Charlie. Okay.

Okay. I'll do it.

First, let's set some guidelines.

Excellent idea! Excellent.
What? What are you thinking?

First,

I don't want to see your cock
anywhere near me.

Why would I want my cock
anywhere near you?

Why would you wanna be
involved in a threesome with me?

- I don't. My client does.
- This client doesn't.

That client, the new client.
Do you want to do this?

No. But I will. For you.
Anything for you, my love.

- Go agent the deal. I'll freshen up.
- I need to...

Go make it so. Make it so.

Alright. I'm good. Bring it on.

I should get going. I have to
get up for work in the morning.

Think about what I said.
I'd love to work with you on this.

Well...

Here you go.

Make shit happen.

Oh, I will.

Let's do it.

- Okay, where to, bitch?
- Totally up to you, slunt.

God, I miss you.

- I fucking miss you!
- I miss you.

- I miss you.
- I love you.

I miss all of us.

Me and you and Hank and Charlie.

That first year you guys were
out here, that was magic.

The drinking, the dinners,
the movies, the smoking, the "X."

That time we almost did swap
but Charlie got hives.

Good times.

You know,

morsel, it can be like that again.

No offense, sweetie,
but I don't want

- to do that kind of stuff with Bill.
- Why not?

I don't know. He just kind of makes
my labia shrivel.

Thank you for that nice image.

I'm sorry. I just...

I miss my fucking life.

I know it's incredibly
anti-feminist of me to admit it,

but I miss...
that sexy little bulldog.

I fucked up.

He fucked up!

I just... I wanna go back
to the way things were.

Marsupial...

Karenina...

Did he really buy me a ring?

This comes as a shock to you?

Look, I know Hank can be a douchebag
on wheels sometimes,

but he loves the shit out of you.

His sun rises and sets on you, baby.

Dear?

Honey?

- Could I get a sip of that?
- Working hard, huh?

Wouldn't want to get
any germs on you, huh?

You're hardly working.

You know what?
Come on up, come on up.

Come here.

Listen,

I think if it hasn't happened yet,
I don't think it's gonna happen.

And, I apologize,
but I just think I'd be

shooting puffs of smoke
right now, anyway, so...

Maybe...

Maybe that's it.

No m?s.

You've got work to do.

What the client wants,
the client gets.

Not this client.

- Maybe they're still out.
- The music's on, the cars are here.

They just don't hear us.

Holy shit.

It's all clear.

Shit! Heads up!

I just remembered
why I didn't call her back.

Dude, she's gonna blow.

Baby, come on. Hey.
We were taking a break!

I was just getting some stank
on my hang-low, like you said.

- Don't go away mad.
- I'm not mad.

You're just absolutely
fucking disgusting.

I admit it wasn't the most
pleasant scene to walk in on,

- but nobody asked you in on it.
- You're right.

That's why I'm getting
the fuck out of here.

You don't owe me an apology.

You can't have it both ways.
You can't tell me to fuck off,

then wander back into my life
whenever you feel like it.

Believe me, I will not
make the same mistake again.

Well, why did you come?

Because you bought me a ring,
you fucking asshole.

- I did.
- Yes. I mean, you went into a store

and you looked around,
and then you picked out a ring...

And then you bought it for me.

I did.

But you never bought me a ring.
Ever.

Why didn't you give it to me?

You told me you were gonna marry
Bill and I should respect that.

Right. Yes.

That never stopped you before.

Would you have wanted me
to give it to you?

Would that have made a difference?

Are you questioning things?
Are you having doubts?

I question everything.
It's very healthy.

It is, but if you are questioning
things and having doubts,

maybe you shouldn't just
rush into the wedding.

Maybe you should postpone it.
What's the rush?

I can't do that.

I never said that you had to choose
between me and William the Conqueror.

I just think you can't
run off and marry a guy

after making sweet love
to yours truly.

It just wouldn't be chaste,
young lady.

Says the guy who's hosting orgies
and is standing

- in the street in a skirt.
- It was hardly an orgy.

I wasn't even into it.
I did it to get Charlie laid.

I forgot you're such
a humanitarian, right?

I did buy you a ring,
and I would show you,

but I gave it to a homeless
woman after you blew me off.

True story. It was
a very nice ring. Beautiful,

elegant and understated,
much like you.

I would have loved to get down on bended
knee and slip it on your finger.

Stop it.

But buying it was a mistake.

Because it's not about the ring.
It was never about the ring.

It's not about marriage.
It's not about the wedding

it's not about me, it's not
about Bill, it's not about Becca...

It's about you, Karen.

Good night, champ. Come again.

So to speak. You know...

- Good night.
- Good night,

Karen.

Yo. Runkulus maximus.

Look at you.

Isn't it good to be free?

No women weighing us down.

Ain't life fucking grand?