Californication (2007–2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Okay, big guy, you and me.

We've never done this before but...

desperate times
call for desperate mesures.

- My name is Hank.
- Hello, Hank.

I'm sorry, sister,
I was just trying to have a little

chat with your husband up there.

Can I help you?

No, I wouldn't want
to bother a real life person about it.

It wouldn't be a bother, Hank.
In fact, that's why I'm here.

Here is the thing.

I'm having
what you might call a crisis of faith.



I mean, to put it simply, I can't write.

Which really kind of sucks
because I'm supposed to be a writer.

And a professional one at that.

And I can't seem to be able to produce
so much as a goddamn predicate.

Sorry, you know,
my apologies, I fucked up...

again... I apologize.

Well, normally, I would suggest

a bunch of Our fathers
or a couple Hail Maries...

but I don't think
that's gonna get it done.

What about a blow job?

A blow job,
would that make you feel any better?

A blow job from you?

Something tells me
it's not gonna suck itself, Hank.

No, but...



But you're a nun.

A totally fucking hot nun.

Sweet baby Jesus...

Hank is going to hell.

Bad dream?

Yeah...

No...

It's hard to say, really.

You drifted off and I thought to myself

So, what's the nicest possible
I can wake up mister Hank here.

Kudos to you because you...

you definitely stumbled
upon one of the nicer ways.

You're nice to me, I'm nice to you.

Yes, it's very quid pro quo...

- What does that mean?
- Never mind.

My husband,
he's never given me an orgasm.

Never?

- Ever.
- Does he , you know, go downtown?

- Toward the south land?
- Never.

- Going to the hood?
- Well, it's not true, yes, he has.

But he made me take a shower first.

Then, he's spent 45 minutes
trying to find my clit.

How did he do?

I'm pretty sure
he thinks it's in the bottom.

Near the vaginas?

That's weird.

I can take a hint.

I just so happen
to have my GPS with me.

I've stored it up my ass, yes.

Hello?

Yours is on the bottom.

I think I have found something.

What the fuck is that?

- It would be my husband.
- Okay.

Maybe I should hide under your clit,
he'd never find me there.

- Heather, whose piece of shit is that?
- I think I should go.

All I need to do is to find my pants.
No pants anywhere?

- What the fuck?
- It's not what you think.

- Whose pants are these?
- Those are yours!

Where is he?

Motherfucker!

Yeah, you!

You gotta be kidding me!

What are you,
like 60 years or something, bro'!

Yo, KFed,
the little man in the boat?

He's up here, that's where he is!

- Right here!
- Just let him go!

- Are you kidding me?
- You guys work it out.

You're dead!

Motherfucker!

CALIFORNICATION 1x01

Ladies, daddy's trying out a new look.

What do you think?

- Dad?
- Yes.

Are you mentally insane?

Yes, but I'm extremly high functioning.

Much like a special needs person
that works at McDonald's.

Exactly. I'm late, I'm sorry and...

I'm not wearing any pants but
I would like to invite you two ladies

to join me, to take you pants off,

and come with me
to the pants off restaurant.

It sounds tempting
but I got plans, okay?

- It must be date night.
- Yeah.

Come on, mom.

Peanut, I can't but, you know,

enjoy your daddy time.

- Where is my kiss?
- You're really a classy guy, Hank.

That's funny coming from you at all.

So, who won that round?

It's not wether you win or you lose,
it's how you play the game.

Looks like a fun game.

You think I made her laugh?

Sure.

A little.

On the inside.

- Yellow submarine?
- Pirates.

Again?

- Johnny Depp is hot!
- I concur but

wouldn't you rather
expand your cinematic horizons and

pick a film that's based on a piece of
litterature and not a theme park ride?

Pirates it is.
Why don't you try my room?

Depp...

I don't think I have any sushi takeout,
I got the house of Chow.

- which is chinese.
- Father?

- Daughter?
- Can I ask you something?

Yeah, anything, my love.

Why is there a naked lady
in your bedroom?

You wait...

right there, okay?

There's no hair on her vagina.

Do you think she's okay?

I'll check.

What are you doing?

- Hi, I thought I'd surprise you.
- You surprised my daughter.

I'm so sorry, I mean, really
I should have call but I'm inside.

You know what? I'm sorry.

- Really?
- You know what, yes.

Maybe we should think about
cooling things off a little bit.

- Excuse me?
- Or not.

Either way, I'm easy.

God, you're amazing, Hank.

I mean you spent all this time
sweet talking me into the sack but

now you've exacted your revenge,
you're done with me, right?

Revenge?
What are you talking about revenge?

Please, do not make it like

it wasn't in the least that satisfying
to fuck the wife of the man who turned

your precious little book
into your big shitty movie.

Now that you put it that way...

What other way is there to put it, Hank?

Now that you put it that way,
there is no other way to put it.

- I think that's a very...
- Shut up!

God, you shut up! And you know what?

By the way, the truth is...

the movie...

is much better than the book.

Okay, so not only
are you a cadaverous lay

you also have shitty taste in movies.

Hi.

Thank you.

Cheers!

So...

is this the new girlfriend?

I wish we could take him with us.

Why don't you get
your stuff together, honey, okay?

- Don't yell at him.
- I'm not gonna yell at him...

much.

What?

I know that look.

That's the look that
shrivels my testies.

Twelve years old finds naked slut
in dad's bedroom.

Are you still feeling cute?

- She mentioned that, huh?
- Yes, she mentioned that.

So...

- What, you're jealous?
- What?

You're so lucky that I don't take away
the little custody you do have.

Bill tried to convince me...

You get a legal advice from your
boyfriend Bill, now? That's sweet!

Don't start, okay?

You started when you cheated on me.

Shut up! I did not cheated on you.

In what universe is fucking someone

when you're married to somebody
else not cheating?

The one in which you were
never actually married.

That's a bullshit technicality.

You never asked.
You don't wanna be that guy.

You didn't wanna join the herd.

That's what I dug about you.

Imagine my fucking disappointment

when you turned out to be
the biggest clich? of all,

sitting there and googling yourself.

- I saw you.
- I google myself

but I never cheated on you. Never.

Cheating isn't just about
fucking someone, Hank.

I got a dictionary in there
that will differ with you!

Bill and I didn't even touch each other
until we were dead and buried.

Okay, are you trying to
make me throw up now?

You are out there and sticking
your dick in anything that moves

trying to get back at me.

Which is fine.

Do you know what the worst thing is?

You are not writing.

You have this gift, you have
this incredible talent,

and you're just flushing it
down the toilet.

Maybe you're right.

No "maybes".

You are right.

I'm fucked up right now and I...

I need help.

- I do, I need you... baby...
- No, no, no...

Hank, Hank, Hank, I...
I'm getting married.

- What?
- He asked and I said "yes".

Why the fuck would you
do something like that?

- Because I love him.
- No, you don't.

- Yes, I do. I do!
- You don't. You do not!

- Yes, I do!
- You don't!

- How do you know?
- 'Cause he's a fucking dial tone!

He's everything you said
you never wanted.

I'm sure he means well
and everything...

I may be fucked up right now
but I can see it,

he's not the guy for you.
I can see that.

How do you know that?

Because I know you.

Don't I get some say in this?

Are you sure?
Because it seems like I should,

maybe.

I guess that's it, huh?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Best of luck in all
your future endeavors.

Thank you.

Good night, honey. Please don't use
the word "vagina" around me ever again.

Don't forget to let me
know where you're registered.

That's so sweet!

And don't let the door hit you on
your soon-to-be huge ass on the way out.

Talk to me.

Baby, what's up?

- No, I'm at the movies!
- Hey...

Come on buddy, give me a break!

I swear I called the house,
I talked to your mother.

No, she said... What the fuck, man!

What's up, baby girl!

No, the asshole you're calling
is gonna have to call you back.

Yes, sweetheart. Sometime
after the movie, all right?

Give me the phone!

Give me the phone! You know what?

You don't touch the phone, okay?

Stupid guy!

Don't do it.

Baby, I'm sorry but some stupid guy

he takes the phone from me. He freaks
out like he's Mel Gibson or something.

Forget about that, baby.
Forget, 'cause you know who I am.

I don't care if I am at the movie
theater... What the fuck, man!

Now, come on, take it.

Next time put it on vibrate homey.

Fucking turn it off!

God forbid you should
pass up a fucking call!

Dick.

What the fuck! Piece of shit!

What are you doing?

What do you mean?
You were just like calling me over.

No, I was like totally ambivalent.

Listen, you better get up because

my boyfriend will be back any second.

You weird chick!

I am, I'm also just kidding!

Have a seat, please.

What if I don't want to now?

Fine, your loss. I mean...

Why would I wanna get to know a guy

who's so in love with himself
that he hangs out

in a bookstores
reading his own work.

If you're under the impression that
I'm in love with myself then it's...

possible that
you are higher than me right now.

So I'm battling some low self-esteem.

You have no idea.

Poor baby.

Hank, my name is Hank.

I know.

- Mia.
- Nice to meet you, Mia.

Likewise.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Did you...

see that movie?

And what did you think?

- Honestly?
- Yes, brutal truth.

It really sucked.

The director ruined it,
he should be shot.

I took care of him already.

So you're like this...

famous writer, huh?

Hardly, more like a one hit wonder.

Well, now I'm definitely...

for sure, absolutely...

not going to sleep with you.

Are you gonna cum?

I don't see why not.

I'm happy to report that Becca

is a delightful student.

Smart, inquisitive, full of life.

And yet I sense a big hairy "but"
lurking around the corner.

This is my life. Can you take those off?

It's okay, he is right, but...

I'm slightly worried
about her emerging sexuality.

Oh, thank god.

She's a lesbian. Thank god.

- What are you talking about?
- I think we can all agree

by and large
that men are assholes.

I, for one, am happy
that she prefers the fairer sex.

It looks like we're the proud parents
of a lesbian daughter.

Up high!

Let's celebrate.
Come on, don't leave me hanging...

What? You're ashamed
of our gay daughter?

What happened to your eye?

Okay, hold on a second here, folks.

Becca is not a lesbian.

- She's not?
- No.

Based on what I've seen, no.

Then, why are we discussing
her sexuality?

Because it seems, she very recently
has discovered

- the attention of boys.
- Well, she's beautiful.

She takes after her mother.

The make up and the slutty clothes.

I caught her making out
with this boy last week.

- And he...
- He was what?

Feeling her up.

She is 12 years old.
What, there's nothing there to feel...

You know, I don't see why
we should put such a negative

spin on this, I mean,
she's growing up, it's only natural.

- I'll talk to her.
- No. No, I will talk to her.

No, because you're just gonna loose
your shit and that's gonna make--

You'll talk to her
she'll wind up pregnant.

Then everything will be fine
and fucking dandy.

Oh, my god.

- You're such a funny asshole.
- Folks, I only bring it up because...

When I told her it was
an inappropriate behaviour, she said...

"How else do we get boys to like you?"

So...

I...

have an offer for you!

Forgive me, I haven't heard
that one in a while.

Don't get too excited.

I wish you would've said that before
the blood started rushing into my cock.

Lovely, thank you for that image.

- Are you familiar with Hell-A magazine?
- Hell, no.

Now, they would like you
to blog for them.

Fuck me.

Must be my trick ear
but I thought you said "blog".

The good people at Hell-A,

are very interested in your thoughts

on the battle between the sexes
and this adopted city of yours.

Do you have a gun?

You know, I did have a very hot dream
about a nun the other night

- who gave me a blow job...
- There you go, a nun and a blow job.

- This excellent, excellent.
- You think?

Doesn't take Freud
to figure it out but...

Well, Hank, have we established
that you have a certain

predilection for the company
of unavailable women?

- No, we haven't established that.
- I've established it.

And what would be the ultimate
manifestation of such a fetish?

Perhaps, getting a blow-job,

from a woman
who is essentially married to God...

Can it just be that it's naughty?

What the fuck is going on with you, man?

How are you?

I'm fine, I'm...

I'm disgusted with my life...

and myself
but I'm not unhappy about that.

How are you?

Okay, as your friend and agent,

may I simply suggest...

that you may be try
to start looking for a nice girl.

A nice girl?

I wouldn't know
what to say to a nice girl.

Seeing as you're 10 s away
from sitting at a dinner with one

- you better figure something out.
- That's not cool.

- I'm naughty, too.
- Motherfucker.

- Hello, wife.
- Hello boys.

So, Hank...

Meredith...

You're a writer.

Once upon a time, I was, yeah...

in a little place I like
to call New York City.

I've heard of it.

He's still a writer.

A great writer.

No, that's, see, that's where
you're wrong and the writers write.

That what they do. Me...

Not so much, nothing. Nada.

Well, have you written anything
I might have read?

Well, that depends on
whether or not you read, Meredith.

- I read, Hank.
- Excellent.

Most recently, I gave man birth

to a weighty tome called
"God hates us all."

Such a catchy title, no?

Which was subsequently
turned into a movie called...

"A crazy little thing called love".

The one with Tom and Katie?

- I love that.
- Swell.

That was such a sweet movie.

- You liked it?
- Well, congrats, Hanks.

You must be really proud.

Like you wouldn't believe.

Tell me about yourself.

What would you like to know?

Well, just the Cliffs Notes
would be fine.

Well, I don't know, Hank,
you seem to have me all...

figured out,
why don't you give it a try?

Yeah, why don't we order
a little something, some wine maybe?

Honey, trust me, getting your asshole
bleached would be much more fun.

Yeah, is there a waiter?
Perhaps, waiter, gar?on?

- I don't think you want to hear that.
- Sure I do.

Tell me a little bit about myself,
I mean, that's what

writers do, right? They make up stuff.
Come on, it'll be fun.

I think you were born in the Valley.

Nice part though...

Hidden Hills, Calabasas
or something like that?

Your father was middle-management

white collar executive.

Stay-at-home mum.

You didn't want to stray too far to go
to College so you went to USC.

UCLA?

No, no, S-C, S-C.

You had a serious boyfriend in college

who broke up right after,
he married the next one.

You got a low maitenance gig
in human resources industry.

You got a string of bad relationships,
you put on some weight.

You looked around and saw
all your friends starting to pair up

and get married so you decided
you should loose the weight,

you joined a gym, got addicted,
maybe did a little running.

Say you wanna work.

Maybe start your own
party planning business

fancy yourself kind of
a poor girl's Martha Stewart.

But what you really wanna do?

Sit at home, on the couch

with some poor sap watching reality TV

while he watches you get fat again.

Now you're giving me that look right now

look like I finger banged your cat.

But what you really think is if I manage
to get outta here in the next 15 mins

I can still make it at home in time
to watch America Next Top Model,

which I have tivoed, I swear to god!

That show is fierce!

- You're a real prick, you know that?
- Guilty.

Guilty as charged.

I thought she liked me.

- I thought it was going well.
- Sweet.

- She did ask for it.
- Yeah, totally, she got it.

Go home, honey.

Sleep it off.

Tomorrow is another day.

What's wrong?

Just thought that you were gonna hit me.

- Why?
- No reason.

As you were.

Defile me.

Yeah, hello?

Not the best time, no.

Okay, okay, I'll be right there.

- Are you kidding me?
- Consider yourself defiled.

You're an asshole!

- Where?
- Somewhere up in the Palisades.

- Who did she go with?
- Bill's daughter.

Didn't know Bill had a daughter.
How old is she?

- Sixteen.
- And you let Becca hang out with her?

Yeah, she's a good kid:

she's the one that called
to tell me that Becca was in trouble.

What?

What?

You smell like pussy.

Thank you.

As you were.

I hate you.

All right, I guess I deserved that.

No one deserves that.

You wanna come in?

What about the lord of the manor?

He's outta town.

Sure.

Wash the pussy off.

That happens.

It was gonna happen, sooner or later.

- Do you think I was wrong?
- No, you did exactly

what I wanted to do
which doesn't make it right.

I just reacted. Just picked her up.

Yeah, you've always been a walking id.

Which oddly enough
is the title of my next novel.

What next novel?

Hey, let's just talk about Becca.

Well it's all kinda the same thing,
isn't it?

You called me.

Yeah, your daughter was in trouble,
I thought you should know.

Oh, bullshit. You were alone
and you freaked out.

You wanted me to handle it.

I want you in my life, I...

Because you're still in love with me

and you wanna have like 10.000
more of my babies.

No, it's because...

what happens to Becca
is our responsability

and like it or not,
we're tied to each other for life.

- Yes.
- Minus the obvious...

Sexual benefits.

You seem to have that
pretty well covered right now.

Don't sell yourself short.

As I recall, our problems
did not extend to the bedroom.

Please stop.

God, we just kinda sucked
at everything else.

We were great once and you know it.

Hank...

What are you doing?

Marry me.

- What?
- Don't marry him.

Marry me.

Hank, don't fuck with me.

I'm not fucking with you.
I don't work without you.

Oh, I get it, you want your muse back?

You'll save me.
And I'll save you.

I fucked up, I think we fucked up and...

in matters big and small
and I never asked you.

I'm asking you now.

Marry me.

You so wanna get with me right now.

I'm so sorry.

- You're okay?
- Yeah.

This is Mia. Bill's daughter.
And this is Hank.

You two know each other?

Well...

I do recognize you...

Yeah, sure I do...

from your book.

Your picture is on the back.

Right.

How is she?

Well, she hates us.

You know, she's fine.

And that was very cool
what you did tonight.

It's nice to see some good
old-fashioned family values in this...

morally bankrupt city of ours.

That's me,
I'm all about the family values.

What happened to your eye?

Yeah, what did happen to your eye, hank?

Well, you should see the other guy...

I hope she doesn't press charges...

It's not a "she"...

It was a "he", the other guy.

Right.

Well whatever, I'm off to bed.

Good night. It was...

- nice to meet you, Hank.
- Nice to meet you too.

She seems nice.

She is. She is great.

- She is a good kid.
- How old might she be?

She's sixteen.

Sixteen? Wow...

Sixteen...

I know what you're thinking...

No, I don't think you do.

Give me a break.

Your jaw is practically
on the fucking floor, Hank.

You're such a dirty old man.

No, I'm not.

Oh, I'm just fucking with you.

Good bye.