Cagney & Lacey (1981–1988): Season 2, Episode 9 - I'll Be Home for Christmas - full transcript
Christmas Eve at the 14th finds everyone eager to get home for the holidays until an escaped criminal dressed as Santa complicates matters.
Seven years you were straight
and you had to throw it all away
for miniature golf in Florida?
- Don't look.
- I can't help it.
Don't look, he's gonna do something.
Not everyone can say
they collared Santa Claus.
You will find this maniac
or nobody's gonna leave here, ever.
Christmas is a filthy business.
I just want Claudia and the baby
to be all right.
- People, we're the police.
- ISBECKI: After an escaped felon.
- They're after my daddy.
- Santa Claus.
Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas, movie house!
MALE ANNOUNCER: What we've all
been waiting for. Santa and his reindeer.
Merry Christmas, Santa.
...a Christmas present
from a very dear friend of mine.
(CA WING)
(SINGING CAROLS)
NEWSCASTER:...folks,
there'll be no snow this Christmas.
And over on our big weather map...
- Would this be terrific, huh?
- Yeah.
- $600.
- Hey, Mary Beth, look at this.
Command attack submarine.
"Shoots off missiles,
lights up in three different colors,
"has eight removable crewmen."
Huh? What do you think,
you think he'd like that?
He won't like it.
Okay.
So, Samuels will probably let us off when?
7:30, 8:00?
8:00, at the latest. Dory coming over?
Yeah, we're gonna cook dinner together.
Mary Beth, the man makes me crazy.
Harv and I are gonna wrap presents
with the kids and trim the tree.
Get the turkey ready for tomorrow.
- You call that fun?
- Yes, I do.
Oh, there it is.
It's perfect.
Oh, look at that, it's great.
Electric rescue chopper.
- You think it's him?
- It's him.
All right.
Hey, Mary Beth.
Look at the guy over there, tweed topcoat.
Oh, excuse me.
- Don't look.
- I can't help it.
Don't look, he's gonna do something.
I can feel it, and then we're gonna
have to arrest him,
and then we're gonna have to spend
all Christmas day in... Don't look.
Excuse me.
I told you we shouldn't have looked.
You gotta be crazy.
- Eighty bucks for Handel's Messiah?
- It's a very special date.
If the Lieutenant ever gets back
to let us go.
He'll get back.
Come 9:00, Isbecki and the twins
are southward to old San Juan
for a week of sun, sand
and who knows what.
You gentlemen certainly seem to take
Lieutenant Samuels' goodwill for granted.
There's no law that says
he has to let us go early.
Lighten up, Petrie.
Your baby's gonna be born soon.
I got 30 bucks on a Christmas baby.
LA GUARDIA: How many days
is Claudia over?
Today makes 11. It's too long.
Must be tough waiting like this.
Thanks, Petrie.
Hey, any news about your kid?
Not yet.
- What's that?
- He made a collar, can you believe it?
The guy was posing
like he worked for a charity.
I hear he clipped Samuels real good.
I can't believe he threw away a Christmas.
He's a Lieutenant. Strings can be pulled.
SAMUELS: Hey, Petrie.
- Your baby on its way yet?
- Not yet.
It'll come soon, trust me.
What do you think of my collar, huh?
Not everyone can say
they collared Santa Claus.
Hey, felony larceny.
Worst kind of lice,
preying on people's goodwill.
Listen, I already took care
of the paperwork.
You wanna run this clown
into a holding cell for me?
I'm gonna go up and talk to the brass.
Do a little bragging.
(LAUGHING)
- How much you clip him for?
- Five bucks.
Hey, you know,
my first kid was nine days late.
Second one was a week early.
These things happen, you know.
- That's what the doctor keeps saying.
- Yeah, well.
Hi, how you doing?
(EXHALES)
I guess you live and learn, you know.
My oldest is a girl.
Hope you get a girl, too. They're terrific.
- That'd be nice.
- Yeah.
So, you think it'll snow?
That'd be nice, too, but they say no.
- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah, you, too.
He's a nice guy, huh?
(SNORING)
(BELLS JINGLING)
Have a good one.
(SIREN BLARING)
What am I gonna tell my kids, huh, Willie?
Come on, watch your head here.
You have any idea what it's going to be
like spending Christmas without my kids?
Can I help it if I got what you call
seasonal employment?
- Tonight could be a big grosser for me.
- Cagney, Lacey, good hunting, huh?
Hey, Chris,
how much do you want this guy?
- I don't.
- Hey, Banks. Come here.
Yeah, need help with this guy?
Yeah, we got this guy dead to rights
and we would rather not
spend all day tomorrow in court.
Be a man, Banks.
Take one step closer
to becoming a detective.
Now, take this nice collar for us.
He's a simple pickpocket.
No offense.
- How much?
- What?
I can't believe this.
Like a piece of bad meat,
I can't be given away.
- You, you hold your tongue.
- How much?
Piece of your next murder,
multiple homicide if possible.
Something with a little headline potential.
- You got it.
- Deal.
Let's go.
Victor, is the Lieutenant here?
No. He's upstairs swilling
eggnog with the brass.
Petrie, any word about the baby yet?
I guess not.
- Telephone message for Miss Cagney.
- Thank you. The wallet show up yet?
- What wallet?
- Guess not.
The wallet, you remember.
Bait from Internal Affairs.
Anybody know how long
he's gonna be up there?
- PETRIE: Another few minutes.
- Harv...
ISBECKI: I don't know where these guys
are coming off,
sticking us with a loaded wallet
to see if we'll take the money.
LA GUARDIA: You think they'd
have imagination to try something new.
They've been using the wallet
every Christmas for the last 16 years.
The same wallet.
- CAGNEY: Been there long?
- I've only been here a moment.
I thought I'd get a head start
on the duck stuffing.
I can't wait.
I'm looking at 8:00 at the latest.
Well, that's none too soon.
I'm very hungry.
(EXCLAIMS)
There's a bottle of Gavi de Gavi
in the fridge.
Have a glass. Have two.
- CAGNEY: I'll be there.
- Mark.
There's a call coming through
from your wife.
She just wants to know
what time you'll be home.
Got a release form here for your prisoner,
Renald Bannion, public drunkenness.
Sergeant wants me to throw
some coffee in him.
- All right.
- Cage.
Keys are on the hook.
Sign this.
Okay, okay, Bert, but now, I'm telling you
if this guy isn't eight feet tall,
I'm gonna call you a liar.
How often does a desk jockey get a chance
to get out there and prove
he can still hang tough in the trenches?
- Am I right?
- Yeah.
Not often enough.
You know something, my chest still hurts
from where this guy shouldered me.
I got a bruise here,
it must be the size of a basketball.
- Oh, happy holidays. Isbecki?
- Isbecki, right.
- Cagney.
- Inspector.
- La Guardia.
- La Guardia, yeah, yeah.
- And Macey.
- Lacey, sir.
Yeah.
- Merry Christmas.
- CAGNEY: Merry Christmas.
SAMUELS: Where's Santa?
MARQUETTE: The accidental release
of a prisoner is inexcusable.
This sort of error demands
a disciplinary hearing.
Now, what if that guy goes out there
and kills someone?
The Department is responsible.
Financially and morally.
I don't care if it was an accident.
And I don't care if
no one individual is at fault.
Bert, you are in command.
You have the final responsibility.
And believe me, you will answer for it.
Merry Christmas.
I wanted to be a nice guy.
I wanted to let everybody go early.
Maybe I'm just too lax.
You will find this maniac,
hopefully before he commits other crimes.
You will find him,
or nobody's gonna leave here, ever.
Sir, we can't tell you
how truly sorry we are.
Oh, that's terrific, Lacey. That's terrific,
I can use that defense in a trial room,
can't I?
Get out of here.
Come in.
What do you two want?
Sir, we got back that file on the prisoner,
on the ex-prisoner, sir.
And we wanted you to know
that things are not as bad
as they might seem.
Who are you kidding?
No, sir. Not kidding. Here, look at the file.
Right there.
Ralph Barbinski?
He told me his name was
Raleigh Henshaw.
Well, Prints kicked back
the right file here, sir.
Look. Priors, gambling,
possession of stolen merchandise,
petty fraud.
It's very plain to see we're dealing
with an extremely smalltime operator.
Sir, the man's last arrest
was six years ago.
He had two months at the work farm,
two years on parole.
Look at that record, sir,
it's clean as a plate.
- Until tonight.
- Yes, sir.
Lieutenant, we just want you to know
that we are going to be breaking our necks
to nail this guy.
Now, Isbecki is pushing back his flight,
and La Guardia, poor thing,
is canceling a date...
"Arrears, traffic violation"?
Well, you see...
We're not talking about
public enemy number one here, sir.
(PHONE RINGING)
Samuels. Yeah.
What?
Right. Yeah.
Well, I'm certainly very glad that you two
are gonna be breaking your necks.
Why don't you start by breaking your neck
over to Barbinski's last known address?
- Why?
- Don't you ever ask me why.
They found a radio car missing
from the parking bay, that's why.
And one of the mechanics said
that the guy who drove the car away
- was dressed like Santa Claus.
- Ralph?
Couldn't be Ralph.
(CAR STALLS)
(CAR HORNS BLARING)
(ENGINE STARTING)
Still no answer.
I must have missed her. Damn.
Maybe she's just powdering her nose.
Call her back in ten minutes.
She's supposed to be here in ten minutes.
We're supposed to take a cab
to Carnegie Hall.
Isbecki! La Guardia!
DiMario's Tow Truck Garage over on 36th?
I know the place.
Yeah, well, a guy dressed like Santa Claus
brought an RMP in there
for emergency service.
And charged it to me.
La Guardia, you've got a visitor.
- Doris?
- Thank you very much.
I've been trying to reach you
for over an hour.
Something came up. I've got to work.
We're going to miss Handel's Messiah.
Here, you take the tickets. You go.
Paul, there's more to Christmas Eve
together than Handel's Messiah.
You go, do your job.
I'll be here when you return.
But you can't stay here.
It's awful, it's smelly.
Well, the lovely lady could stay
in my office,
La Guardia, where it doesn't smell so bad.
Bert Samuels, ma'am,
Detective Lieutenant.
Doris Rainey.
- You see, Paul. I'll be fine.
- Well...
Oh, she'll be fine,
and you guys can hit the bricks.
- Miss Rainey, was it?
- That's right.
Yeah, well, would you please
come this way?
I've got some wonderful eggnog
in my office.
Forget it, you've got a job to do.
The Barbinskis lived here before us.
They moved out about three months ago.
- Do you know where?
- You could check the super, I guess.
- It's freezing in here.
- It's even colder inside.
We've been without heat
for eight days now.
We've called the housing authority.
We even called the police.
But no one does anything.
Well, if the super won't,
talk to the service man, right?
What can I do?
- Does he live in the building?
- Yes.
Plenty. Come on,
we'll wish him a Merry Christmas.
Do you want to look after the kid?
Okay.
Show me where his apartment is.
- Have a good time.
- Hi.
Hi.
(HUMMING
MARYHAD A LITTLE LAMB)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hey, hold it there, buddy.
Okay, folks, let's move it along.
How you doing? Pretty cold night
to be pulling traffic duty, huh?
Who are you?
Yabanowski, 14 Precinct.
- MAN: Come on.
- Let me dig out some ID for you here.
Just take a second. You know,
every year I gotta wear this stuff.
All right, what is it, New Year's Eve?
Give me a break, will you, please?
See, I'm the guy
who visits all the hospitals.
Children's wards, you know?
- You got kids?
- Two.
No kidding. Me, too.
Yeah, I hit the hospitals every year.
I tell you, it really makes me thank God
my kids are healthy, you know?
(CAR HORNS BLARING)
Jeez.
It ain't in that pocket.
You know, maybe if I got out
and stood up it'd be easier.
I'll tell you, just forget about it.
The road's got to roll.
No, no.
I know I got some ID here someplace.
MAN 3: Come on!
You wanna see some pictures of my kids?
I'm sure you got terrific kids.
Just keep it rolling, will you?
I'm going to get lynched here.
Want me to come over to your house?
I could stop by later.
- Play like Santa Claus?
- Give me a break, would you, pal?
No problem, I'll see you next year.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- WOMAN: Well, it's about time.
- All right, folks. Move it along, let's go.
DIMARIO: Right. 29th...
That's the third phone call he's had
since we've been here, damn it.
How much longer are we going to wait?
- Yeah. Ain't that always the case?
- Well, what do you say, Mr. DiMario?
Come on, help us out, we'd like
to wrap this up and get out of here.
What? If he's not off that phone in 30
seconds, I'm going to pull him off.
Okay, right. Got it. Pronto!
Busted axle on 29th and 5th.
Bring a sling.
Christmas and New Year's
are my best times of the year.
I really clean up.
Well, that's great.
Why don't you finish telling us
about Santa Claus?
Be right back.
We're closed.
What are you... What, is he crazy or what?
Why don't you lighten up, huh?
Look, I've had it with this
waiting around, okay?
- I've had it!
- Take it easy, take it easy.
Listen, it's amazing what love
will do to a man.
- It's my busiest time of the year.
- I understand.
Why don't you just tell us all about
the Santa Claus and then we'll go.
Jeez.
He says that he's trying to get to St.
Vincent for the kids and his car stalled.
He says,
"Now with traffic, it'll take forever
"for the police mechanic to get to it."
It's Christmas, right? I'm a nice guy, right?
Sure.
- And that's all there was to it?
- Yeah, you want some more?
Just because he...
You know who I'm talking about.
Because he doesn't have a home
to go to anymore,
he's trying to screw it up for the rest of us.
Let's move it, Isbecki.
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
Good. Well, if that's it, that's it.
We'll be in touch.
(PHONE RINGS)
Detectives, Petrie.
Hi, honey.
What happened?
WOMAN ON RADIO: 10-60, 7-5, respond.
Priority message for Detective's Car 12.
Did she say 12?
All other units clear air
except for calls 10-13 and 10-30.
Central, this is Detective Car 12
responding to priority message.
Go ahead, 14.
Chris, Mark Petrie here.
I think there's some sort of problem
with Claudia.
- Oh, Lord.
- What's wrong?
PETRIE: If you could take her
to the hospital, I'll meet you there.
- It'll be much faster.
- Give me that.
Petrie, is this real labor,
or are you just trying to save
the price of a cab?
I don't know, but something's wrong.
Has she talked to her doctor?
Please, just try to get her to the hospital
quickly, all right?
I don't know what's wrong.
- She's bleeding.
- We're on our way.
Go.
(SIRENS BLARING)
I tell you, I hear stuff like this,
it scares the hell out of me.
She'll be fine.
You're looking at
the mother of two here, remember?
(SIREN WAILING)
WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Cooper, stat.
Dr. Cooper, stat.
There she is.
CAGNEY: Could we have
some help here, please?
There's the man, right there. Here we go.
You look like a woman
who's about to have a baby.
Something isn't right, Mark.
- I'm still bleeding.
- Everything is gonna be fine.
See, Mary Beth has had two babies,
she knows.
- She knows that.
- I know that.
- Is Dr. Polachek here yet?
- Yes, he's here.
You don't have to worry
about a thing, my love.
We are gonna have this baby.
And we are gonna be a family.
Everything is going to be all right.
Can't wait to see you skinny again.
- Oh, I love you.
- Love you, too.
You're gonna come with me?
What do you mean, am I coming with you?
Of course.
Here, Petrie.
You let us know right away, all right?
I'll come down
as soon as we know something.
Hope it's a boy.
- What do you think?
- I'm not a doctor, Chris.
Look, there's no telling
how long we're gonna have to wait,
so I'm going to call the squad room
and let them know, huh?
If you talk to what's-his-name,
tell him hi for me, huh?
Got a dime?
WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Gellar, Dr. Gellar.
- I'm lonely.
- CAGNEY: Dory, I'm trying.
Dinner's just going to be a little late.
I want to taste your plum pudding.
Well, my plum pudding tastes great.
DORY: Why don't I just go ahead and start?
Without me?
Well, just a glimpse.
I'll glaze the duck.
That way, we can just slide it in the oven
when you come through the door.
- I wanted us to cook together.
- DORY: So you got to work.
No, you're the one
who's gonna end up doing the work.
- Are you going to wait for me?
- I always do, don't I?
Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
- This wine is terrific.
- Are you getting drunk?
Hey.
Oh, I'll call you later. Bye.
WOMAN ON PA:
Dr. Alexander, Dr. Alexander.
Not much to say.
They stopped the bleeding
and put her on a fetal monitor.
- Wait and see, huh?
- Yeah.
They're talking a cesarean section.
Can you believe that?
- Well, they do those all the time.
- I was cesarean.
Claudia and I took
natural childbirth classes for 10 weeks.
It's crazy.
- Look, I've got to get back.
- Hey...
Everything will be fine. You know that.
Thanks.
You okay?
Christine, you mind very much if we made
a stop before we go in the squad room?
No.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- LACEY: Hey.
- Yo.
- Harvey?
- Mama. It's Mama.
Okay, babe.
- Come on, come on.
- All right, all right.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- Harv, we can stay one minute, okay?
- Hi, Christine.
CAGNEY: Merry Christmas.
HARVEY: Merry Christmas.
- Mom.
- Come here, come here.
- Great.
- Isn't that great?
- Great.
- Yeah.
Wait till you see what we got you, Mom,
it's terrific.
- Yeah, I'll bet it is.
- Yeah.
- Hey, I thought you were home for good.
- No, I...
Give us a second, will you, guys, huh?
Excuse me, guys, please.
- Well, guys, hi. How's it going?
- It's great.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Pretty lights.
- Yeah, look what else we have here.
- HARVEY: Feel better?
- Yep. Yeah, I just...
I got scared, that's all,
with Claudia and all that bleeding and...
Now they're considering a C-section,
and so it made me want to come home
and hug my babies.
I'm glad you did.
Gonna be okay?
Just hang on to me, huh?
What? What?
What?
What are you looking at me like that for?
You wanna have another?
Yeah.
Gotta go back now.
- Yeah, what?
- Okay.
- LACEY: So, what happened to the guys?
- They vanished into the other room.
- Maybe they heard Santa Claus.
- CAGNEY: Yeah.
- Hey. Hello.
- Hello.
There they are.
- There they are. Hi.
- Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Isn't that nice?
Thank you. Can I open it right now?
- You gotta open it right now.
- All right, all right.
- Thank you.
- Harvey said you're pretty.
Hey, no hitting on Christmas Eve.
Come here.
Okay. I love presents.
- LACEY: Faster, faster.
- Okay.
- My favorite color.
- What luck, huh?
Look, a hat, huh? Mittens?
Oh, and a muffler.
Oh, thanks, you guys.
You're so good to me.
All right, that's it. Enough kissing.
Now, come on, we gotta go. We gotta go.
All right, I'm sorry to open presents
and run. Your mother is so mean to me.
These are wonderful. Harvey, thank you.
- It's getting to be 10:00.
- Merry Christmas.
You all go ahead and trim the tree
and surprise me, all right?
- I promise.
- HARVEY: You need a hand? No?
- CAGNEY: No, I got it, I got it, all right.
- Is my present as good as hers?
Merry Christmas.
Goodbye, guys. Thank you.
HARVEY JR.: Goodbye.
MICHAEL: Bye.
You talk to Petrie, give him my best,
will you?
- Yeah, I will.
- Okay.
- Bye, guys.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
HARVEY JR.: All right,
let's finish wrapping the presents.
MICHAEL: Okay.
(BOTH CHATTERING)
No, it's all right. Hurry up.
Hey, you guys.
What's the matter, Dad?
Come here.
If you find a cheaper price, I'll beat it,
you find a better tree and I'll eat it.
- WOMAN: It's too much.
- Hey, what do you want from me, pal?
Blood? I'm practically
giving you the tree now.
MAN: Come on, let's go.
- Yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too, creep.
- MAN: A reasonable price would do.
RALPH: Myer, come here. Come here.
- It's me, Ralph.
- Hey, Ralphie, what you hiding for?
Just making sure
your mother ain't around, you know.
- Myer, I need a favor.
- What's that?
It's $142.55.
I've been cracking parking meters.
I don't know, Ralph,
here, all these coins, jeez.
Come on, Myer, come on, huh?
I'm in the straits here.
Come on, what do you say,
I give you a break?
- Huh?
- Two for three?
- How much is that?
- Eighty-five bucks.
Oh, jeez, okay.
Look, Ralphie, I'm giving you a good deal.
I'm telling you.
Where am I gonna move coins like this
on Christmas Eve?
I know, I know, Myer, I know, but, Myer,
you're the greatest, you know.
So, how's it been going?
You moving any trees here?
- Not bad, not bad.
- Yeah?
- Thanks a lot. I won't forget this, really.
- Take it easy, man.
You want trees? I got trees.
Take advantage of me.
(SIRENS SOUNDING)
Merry Christmas, Myer. See you around.
- WOMAN: Hey, that was Santa Claus.
- Hey, Ralphie.
MAN: Is that a cop?
Hey, look, it's Christmas Eve,
why don't I just give you a tree for cost?
I'll be right back.
- Phil.
- Hello, Bert. Good to see you.
Phil, this is Miss Rainey.
This is Lieutenant Malik. He's the
Bureau Internal Affairs liaison officer.
Very impressive title.
I didn't realize the police force
had so many handsome men.
Thank you. Would you excuse us
for one moment, please?
- Surely.
- A little police business. Can I talk to you?
I was real damn disappointed
to hear about that prisoner foul-up, Bert.
- We'll get him.
- Yeah, I hope so. I hope so.
You know the same thing happened
to a captain in Queens about a year ago,
and, well, my boys,
we caught the case eventually,
but, you know,
that captain is commanding
a vacant lot squad now, Bert.
- Thanks for telling me, Phil.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, would you excuse us?
Just a little police business.
It was very nice to meet you.
It's time for me now to go and
say hello to the uniforms.
- Oh, I hope we meet again.
- Me, too. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Thank you, Bert. I'll be back.
(PHONE RINGS)
Merry Christmas!
Detectives, La Guardia.
LA GUARDIA: What did you say
your name was?
Fine.
Okay.
- The wallet, it's here.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, that creep from IAD shows up,
and so does the wallet.
Okay, we'll send someone right over
to take your statement.
Hey, did you hear me?
The wallet, it's over there.
We may be out of here yet.
The guy who owns a Christmas tree stand
just phoned in
about Santa Claus driving a radio car.
- Sounds great to me, my twins await.
- Hold it. Give Cagney and Lacey a call.
They're already out there.
I'm gonna see if Doris needs anything.
CAGNEY: How do you know
it was Barbinski?
MYER: Hey,
I know Ralph three or four years.
I used to see him around the pool hall.
- He's a little, you know...
- What? A couple of quarts low?
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey, beat it.
- All right.
- You said something about coins.
- What coins?
Could you just tell us
where we could find Ralph?
Hey, beats the hell out of me.
I just don't want to get arrested,
you know?
I mean, I've been arrested before,
I don't like it.
No one is gonna arrest you, sir.
Can you tell us anything
about Mr. Barbinski
that might help us to locate him?
Well, I don't know where he lives.
I used to know his phone number,
but the last time I heard,
it was disconnected.
Could you tell us where he works?
Nah, nah. He used to be a mechanic
but he lost his job when he hurt his back.
Oh, hey, he's working now.
He got a job as one of them Santa Clauses,
that's why he's wearing the suit.
For a department store
or the Salvation Army?
No, no, no. One of them places
that rents out Santas to parties and stuff.
Thank you.
Look, we all want
to help the Lieutenant, okay?
Come on,
it doesn't take all of us to find some yutz
who's cracking parking meters.
You know, it hurts me to say this,
but Isbecki's right.
Even he could do this single-handedly.
I got a flight to catch, do you mind?
My twins await.
I don't wanna hear about twins.
I think that is vile and disgusting.
- So, what's the proposal?
- I say we draw straws.
Now, the loser has to stay
and follow up on Barbinski.
The rest of us could lead a normal life.
All we have to do is convince Samuels.
I'll risk it.
So, the batteries are already in,
and you just...
You hold it here and press right there.
(WHIRRING)
How about that, huh?
(ALL LAUGHING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(CHUCKLING)
- You okay?
- It snapped.
You got nothing better to do?
Find Barbinski!
Can you believe this?
Is that the wallet?
How much money's in it?
About 200 bucks.
See that creep in Samuels' office?
He brought it.
CAGNEY: That's Malik, isn't it?
- You know what I'm gonna do?
- Haven't a clue.
I'm gonna hand this in to Samuels,
right under that jerk's nose.
Hey, you're all man, Isbecki.
LACEY: Can you hold it down a second?
Go ahead.
So, what did they say was wrong?
Placenta previa. It's pretty rare.
There's just no way
for the baby to get out normally.
LA CEY: Please, Petrie, don't worry, huh?
Did I tell you that Harv's sister Joyce
had all three of her children cesarean?
I can be in the room with her, that'll help.
Marcus, don't worry, huh?
Yeah. Really wanted to deliver that baby
with my own hands.
Mary Beth... I just want Claudia
and the baby to be all right.
Listen, you want someone
to come down there and be with you?
No, thanks.
I'm with Claudia, that's enough.
Listen, you tell her for me, "Stay strong,"
and we're,
all of us, thinking about you here,
and let us know right away, huh?
- Okay.
- Right away.
Bad?
I like that man a lot.
This is the guy we're looking for.
We know he's employed
as a Santa Claus somewhere.
- Yeah.
- You know the guy?
- Yeah, Ralph Barbinski.
- Yeah.
Hey, you ain't telling me Ralph's
in some kind of trouble, are you?
- We can't talk about that.
- I mean, it's just that Ralph's...
Hey, I love Ralph.
He's one of my favorite employees.
SANTA 1: No!
SANTA 2: Hey, come on, man!
Hey, Max, you wanna break the bums,
huh?
SANTA 1: Hey, I got this.
SANTA 2: No way, José. Come on.
Hey, hey, hey, Max. Leave me alone.
Christmas is a filthy business.
He's good with kids, hell of a nice guy.
- Max?
- No, Ralphie.
It's just that... I don't know, he's...
He's not retarded, I don't think.
Well, we get the picture.
Do you have his current address?
- You people sure you want this guy?
- We're sure.
I'll get on the horn to Cagney and Lacey,
I'll tell them to meet us over there.
- Mark?
- Yes.
- You love me, don't you?
- You know I love you, Claudia.
I love you more than anything.
- I'm sorry I messed things up.
- What? That's crazy.
It was supposed to be so nice.
God, I hope the baby's all right.
You and the baby are going to be fine,
you're both going to be strong
and healthy and alive.
Do you hear me?
- I'm so glad you're with me, baby.
- You're gonna be fine.
Wait your turn.
- Thank you.
- Here we are, hot tea and honey.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Maybe it would be better if
the children played in the other room.
- Why? So they can break something?
- Hush, Papa.
We have nothing to hide in this family,
ma'am, not a thing.
Do you children love your daddy?
- He's a no good, son-of-a...
- Hush. You old fool.
Perhaps, Mrs. Barbinski, it would be better
if we got back to what you were
talking about before the tea break?
MRS. BARBINSKI:
Papa never did like Ralph.
No kidding.
Thinks he's no-account
but that's just not true.
Married seven years,
and I'm supporting the lot of them.
Ralph couldn't help losing his job.
An engine block fell on him,
hurt his back bad.
We didn't have any insurance,
and the job didn't pay any benefits.
Ralph can't lift things anymore.
- He sure can lift a fork.
- Please let her finish the story.
Do you have any idea
where your husband might be now?
Are you gonna arrest our daddy?
He was working as a Santa Claus,
that's all I know.
His friend, Ben Peters in Florida,
offered him a share
of a miniature golf course
if we could get down there.
That's why Ralph took the job
of Santa Claus, for ticket money.
Well, he has been making money, ma'am,
but not as a Santa.
- This is a hell of a thing.
- Trixie.
Seven years and she finally sees it.
You have any...
Santa Claus!
That's not Santa Claus, stupid,
that's Daddy.
- Hello, Ralph.
- Police, Ralph.
ISBECKI: Police!
CAGNEY: Hey, Ralph, come on.
Don't you hurt him. Ralph, don't let them...
I'll call for a backup.
LACEY: Ralph, we just wanna talk to you.
CAGNEY: Let us talk to you!
He's going up to the roof!
ISBECKI: All right. I'll get the fire escape!
MAN 1: What's going on out here?
MRS. BARBINSKI: Ralph.
WOMAN: Girl, they out there
chasing Santa Claus.
BOY: Daddy, Daddy.
MAN 2: Go Santa, go Santa!
GIRL: That's not Santa Claus, stupid,
that's Daddy.
- Let me see!
- MAN 3: What's all that noise out there?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
MAN 4: Come on. Let's get up on that roof.
CAGNEY: Look, it's starting to snow.
LACEY: Hey, Ralph.
Ralph. Hey, give us a break, huh?
He didn't come up the fire escape.
It's bizarre.
It's supposed to be too cold to snow.
- They're gonna shoot Santa Claus.
- Now, nobody is gonna shoot anybody.
Would you put that thing away,
for God's sake?
- People, we're the police, it's all right.
- ISBECKI: After an escaped felon.
- They're after my daddy.
- Santa Claus.
Ho, ho, ho.
That's not Santa Claus, stupid,
that's Daddy.
Okay, Santa, come on down from there
before you hurt yourself.
I can't, I can't.
Oh, God.
I did wrong, I got nothing to say for myself
and I'm ready to pay the price.
Even if it is Christmas.
You should have thought of that
before you decided to sucker people
out of their money.
Well, like I said, I'm ready to pay the price,
even if I do have a wife and kids
waiting on Christmas Eve.
Can you believe this guy?
I don't know, wait a minute. Maybe we can
work something out here, Bert.
- Bert?
- Lieutenant.
Sir, it seems to me that it's not unusual,
in special cases,
to issue a desk appearance ticket if you
think that the accused will appear in court.
- You'd appear, wouldn't you, Ralph?
- You bet he would.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
We are not talking misdemeanors here.
We are talking felonies, larceny,
escaping arrest, stealing a police vehicle.
Now, excuse me, Lieutenant,
I didn't exactly steal that police car.
I just sort of used it.
Do you hear this? The guy's crazy.
Probably can't even take care of himself.
No, really, I brought it back as soon
as I was finished. It's out there now.
- Come on.
- He's right, Bert.
He showed us the car
when we brought him in.
Come on.
You ought to see what this guy's
putting up with at home, Lieutenant.
Seven years you were straight
and you had to throw it all away
for miniature golf in Florida?
Well, Lieutenant,
you know, a man's gotta work.
A man can't sponge off his in-laws.
Sir, if I was a smart defense attorney,
I could point out that you did not know
Mr. Barbinski wasn't going
to turn that money over to charity.
- Well, you're not that smart.
- Yes, sir.
- The same attorney could also say...
- Do not press your luck.
Give him a D.A.T.
and let him get out of here.
- Yes, sir.
- What about my ticket money?
What?
Well, you know, trying to get that money
was the whole reason
I went back into serious crime.
I told you, this guy's crazy.
Ralph, you got that money breaking
into parking meters. We can't give it back.
- There goes our dream, Ralphie.
- They're both crazy.
- I bet they need constant supervision.
- Lieutenant?
- What?
- What happened to the wallet?
Well, I shoved it off on that creep, Malik,
so he could bring it back to all those
other rats in Internal Affairs.
Why?
Just wanna say Merry Christmas,
you're doing a great job.
Merry Christmas, boys.
OFFICER 1: Merry Christmas.
OFFICER 2: Merry Christmas.
- Lieutenant Malik, Lieutenant.
- Yes?
We don't know each other
but I'm Detective Cagney.
- Well, very nice to meet you.
- Hello.
I just didn't want you to get away
before I wished you a Merry Christmas.
Well...
- What was that for?
- I just wanted to give you something.
You and all the wonderful guys
at Internal Affairs.
Well, thank you very much.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
Detective Cagney?
- Cagney. Right.
- Nice to meet you.
Thank you, bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Excuse me.
You sure it wasn't his personal wallet?
Trust me. First bump I got the wallet,
second bump I put it back.
That's half the money.
Willie, you're off the hook.
We'll square it for you.
Merry Christmas, Willie.
- Merry Christmas.
- Stay out of trouble.
- I gave you my word, didn't I?
- Yeah. Merry Christmas, Willie.
Merry Christmas.
Ticket money.
- Oh, no, we can't take charity.
- Ralph.
You wanna go on living
with Mama and Papa?
I'll pay you back as soon as I can.
Whenever. Just take your family,
take the money, go to Florida
and come back for the court appearance.
Merry Christmas.
You won't have to do time, Ralph,
there's certainly enough people
rooting for you in your corner.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot,
and I hope you get something nice
for Christmas, all of you.
Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.
(LAUGHING)
It is 10:05.
Dory shouldn't be too drunk,
at least for dinner.
- That is, if we're free to go.
- What? You're free.
- Thank the good Lord.
- We missed Handel's Messiah.
The night is young, Doris.
We have each other.
Now, there's an 11:20 flight,
I could pick up the twins.
Will you stop with the twins?
You know how I feel about that.
Victor, I need to talk with you.
My mother.
I'll just stay here
out of your way till you're finished,
and then we'll go to the airport.
- Your mother?
- Oh, Victor.
Victor, oh, Victor.
Hi, Ma.
- Merry Christmas, guys.
- Merry Christmas, stay warm.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Hey, I know everybody wants to go home
but I've got half a jug of eggnog,
it's pretty good.
Well, sir,
I think we have some cups over here.
Got any nutmeg?
(PHONE RINGING)
SAMUELS ON PHONE:
Detectives, Samuels.
PETRIE ON PHONE: It's a girl!
SAMUELS: It's a girl!
LA CEY: All right, Petrie!
Yes!
and you had to throw it all away
for miniature golf in Florida?
- Don't look.
- I can't help it.
Don't look, he's gonna do something.
Not everyone can say
they collared Santa Claus.
You will find this maniac
or nobody's gonna leave here, ever.
Christmas is a filthy business.
I just want Claudia and the baby
to be all right.
- People, we're the police.
- ISBECKI: After an escaped felon.
- They're after my daddy.
- Santa Claus.
Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas, movie house!
MALE ANNOUNCER: What we've all
been waiting for. Santa and his reindeer.
Merry Christmas, Santa.
...a Christmas present
from a very dear friend of mine.
(CA WING)
(SINGING CAROLS)
NEWSCASTER:...folks,
there'll be no snow this Christmas.
And over on our big weather map...
- Would this be terrific, huh?
- Yeah.
- $600.
- Hey, Mary Beth, look at this.
Command attack submarine.
"Shoots off missiles,
lights up in three different colors,
"has eight removable crewmen."
Huh? What do you think,
you think he'd like that?
He won't like it.
Okay.
So, Samuels will probably let us off when?
7:30, 8:00?
8:00, at the latest. Dory coming over?
Yeah, we're gonna cook dinner together.
Mary Beth, the man makes me crazy.
Harv and I are gonna wrap presents
with the kids and trim the tree.
Get the turkey ready for tomorrow.
- You call that fun?
- Yes, I do.
Oh, there it is.
It's perfect.
Oh, look at that, it's great.
Electric rescue chopper.
- You think it's him?
- It's him.
All right.
Hey, Mary Beth.
Look at the guy over there, tweed topcoat.
Oh, excuse me.
- Don't look.
- I can't help it.
Don't look, he's gonna do something.
I can feel it, and then we're gonna
have to arrest him,
and then we're gonna have to spend
all Christmas day in... Don't look.
Excuse me.
I told you we shouldn't have looked.
You gotta be crazy.
- Eighty bucks for Handel's Messiah?
- It's a very special date.
If the Lieutenant ever gets back
to let us go.
He'll get back.
Come 9:00, Isbecki and the twins
are southward to old San Juan
for a week of sun, sand
and who knows what.
You gentlemen certainly seem to take
Lieutenant Samuels' goodwill for granted.
There's no law that says
he has to let us go early.
Lighten up, Petrie.
Your baby's gonna be born soon.
I got 30 bucks on a Christmas baby.
LA GUARDIA: How many days
is Claudia over?
Today makes 11. It's too long.
Must be tough waiting like this.
Thanks, Petrie.
Hey, any news about your kid?
Not yet.
- What's that?
- He made a collar, can you believe it?
The guy was posing
like he worked for a charity.
I hear he clipped Samuels real good.
I can't believe he threw away a Christmas.
He's a Lieutenant. Strings can be pulled.
SAMUELS: Hey, Petrie.
- Your baby on its way yet?
- Not yet.
It'll come soon, trust me.
What do you think of my collar, huh?
Not everyone can say
they collared Santa Claus.
Hey, felony larceny.
Worst kind of lice,
preying on people's goodwill.
Listen, I already took care
of the paperwork.
You wanna run this clown
into a holding cell for me?
I'm gonna go up and talk to the brass.
Do a little bragging.
(LAUGHING)
- How much you clip him for?
- Five bucks.
Hey, you know,
my first kid was nine days late.
Second one was a week early.
These things happen, you know.
- That's what the doctor keeps saying.
- Yeah, well.
Hi, how you doing?
(EXHALES)
I guess you live and learn, you know.
My oldest is a girl.
Hope you get a girl, too. They're terrific.
- That'd be nice.
- Yeah.
So, you think it'll snow?
That'd be nice, too, but they say no.
- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah, you, too.
He's a nice guy, huh?
(SNORING)
(BELLS JINGLING)
Have a good one.
(SIREN BLARING)
What am I gonna tell my kids, huh, Willie?
Come on, watch your head here.
You have any idea what it's going to be
like spending Christmas without my kids?
Can I help it if I got what you call
seasonal employment?
- Tonight could be a big grosser for me.
- Cagney, Lacey, good hunting, huh?
Hey, Chris,
how much do you want this guy?
- I don't.
- Hey, Banks. Come here.
Yeah, need help with this guy?
Yeah, we got this guy dead to rights
and we would rather not
spend all day tomorrow in court.
Be a man, Banks.
Take one step closer
to becoming a detective.
Now, take this nice collar for us.
He's a simple pickpocket.
No offense.
- How much?
- What?
I can't believe this.
Like a piece of bad meat,
I can't be given away.
- You, you hold your tongue.
- How much?
Piece of your next murder,
multiple homicide if possible.
Something with a little headline potential.
- You got it.
- Deal.
Let's go.
Victor, is the Lieutenant here?
No. He's upstairs swilling
eggnog with the brass.
Petrie, any word about the baby yet?
I guess not.
- Telephone message for Miss Cagney.
- Thank you. The wallet show up yet?
- What wallet?
- Guess not.
The wallet, you remember.
Bait from Internal Affairs.
Anybody know how long
he's gonna be up there?
- PETRIE: Another few minutes.
- Harv...
ISBECKI: I don't know where these guys
are coming off,
sticking us with a loaded wallet
to see if we'll take the money.
LA GUARDIA: You think they'd
have imagination to try something new.
They've been using the wallet
every Christmas for the last 16 years.
The same wallet.
- CAGNEY: Been there long?
- I've only been here a moment.
I thought I'd get a head start
on the duck stuffing.
I can't wait.
I'm looking at 8:00 at the latest.
Well, that's none too soon.
I'm very hungry.
(EXCLAIMS)
There's a bottle of Gavi de Gavi
in the fridge.
Have a glass. Have two.
- CAGNEY: I'll be there.
- Mark.
There's a call coming through
from your wife.
She just wants to know
what time you'll be home.
Got a release form here for your prisoner,
Renald Bannion, public drunkenness.
Sergeant wants me to throw
some coffee in him.
- All right.
- Cage.
Keys are on the hook.
Sign this.
Okay, okay, Bert, but now, I'm telling you
if this guy isn't eight feet tall,
I'm gonna call you a liar.
How often does a desk jockey get a chance
to get out there and prove
he can still hang tough in the trenches?
- Am I right?
- Yeah.
Not often enough.
You know something, my chest still hurts
from where this guy shouldered me.
I got a bruise here,
it must be the size of a basketball.
- Oh, happy holidays. Isbecki?
- Isbecki, right.
- Cagney.
- Inspector.
- La Guardia.
- La Guardia, yeah, yeah.
- And Macey.
- Lacey, sir.
Yeah.
- Merry Christmas.
- CAGNEY: Merry Christmas.
SAMUELS: Where's Santa?
MARQUETTE: The accidental release
of a prisoner is inexcusable.
This sort of error demands
a disciplinary hearing.
Now, what if that guy goes out there
and kills someone?
The Department is responsible.
Financially and morally.
I don't care if it was an accident.
And I don't care if
no one individual is at fault.
Bert, you are in command.
You have the final responsibility.
And believe me, you will answer for it.
Merry Christmas.
I wanted to be a nice guy.
I wanted to let everybody go early.
Maybe I'm just too lax.
You will find this maniac,
hopefully before he commits other crimes.
You will find him,
or nobody's gonna leave here, ever.
Sir, we can't tell you
how truly sorry we are.
Oh, that's terrific, Lacey. That's terrific,
I can use that defense in a trial room,
can't I?
Get out of here.
Come in.
What do you two want?
Sir, we got back that file on the prisoner,
on the ex-prisoner, sir.
And we wanted you to know
that things are not as bad
as they might seem.
Who are you kidding?
No, sir. Not kidding. Here, look at the file.
Right there.
Ralph Barbinski?
He told me his name was
Raleigh Henshaw.
Well, Prints kicked back
the right file here, sir.
Look. Priors, gambling,
possession of stolen merchandise,
petty fraud.
It's very plain to see we're dealing
with an extremely smalltime operator.
Sir, the man's last arrest
was six years ago.
He had two months at the work farm,
two years on parole.
Look at that record, sir,
it's clean as a plate.
- Until tonight.
- Yes, sir.
Lieutenant, we just want you to know
that we are going to be breaking our necks
to nail this guy.
Now, Isbecki is pushing back his flight,
and La Guardia, poor thing,
is canceling a date...
"Arrears, traffic violation"?
Well, you see...
We're not talking about
public enemy number one here, sir.
(PHONE RINGING)
Samuels. Yeah.
What?
Right. Yeah.
Well, I'm certainly very glad that you two
are gonna be breaking your necks.
Why don't you start by breaking your neck
over to Barbinski's last known address?
- Why?
- Don't you ever ask me why.
They found a radio car missing
from the parking bay, that's why.
And one of the mechanics said
that the guy who drove the car away
- was dressed like Santa Claus.
- Ralph?
Couldn't be Ralph.
(CAR STALLS)
(CAR HORNS BLARING)
(ENGINE STARTING)
Still no answer.
I must have missed her. Damn.
Maybe she's just powdering her nose.
Call her back in ten minutes.
She's supposed to be here in ten minutes.
We're supposed to take a cab
to Carnegie Hall.
Isbecki! La Guardia!
DiMario's Tow Truck Garage over on 36th?
I know the place.
Yeah, well, a guy dressed like Santa Claus
brought an RMP in there
for emergency service.
And charged it to me.
La Guardia, you've got a visitor.
- Doris?
- Thank you very much.
I've been trying to reach you
for over an hour.
Something came up. I've got to work.
We're going to miss Handel's Messiah.
Here, you take the tickets. You go.
Paul, there's more to Christmas Eve
together than Handel's Messiah.
You go, do your job.
I'll be here when you return.
But you can't stay here.
It's awful, it's smelly.
Well, the lovely lady could stay
in my office,
La Guardia, where it doesn't smell so bad.
Bert Samuels, ma'am,
Detective Lieutenant.
Doris Rainey.
- You see, Paul. I'll be fine.
- Well...
Oh, she'll be fine,
and you guys can hit the bricks.
- Miss Rainey, was it?
- That's right.
Yeah, well, would you please
come this way?
I've got some wonderful eggnog
in my office.
Forget it, you've got a job to do.
The Barbinskis lived here before us.
They moved out about three months ago.
- Do you know where?
- You could check the super, I guess.
- It's freezing in here.
- It's even colder inside.
We've been without heat
for eight days now.
We've called the housing authority.
We even called the police.
But no one does anything.
Well, if the super won't,
talk to the service man, right?
What can I do?
- Does he live in the building?
- Yes.
Plenty. Come on,
we'll wish him a Merry Christmas.
Do you want to look after the kid?
Okay.
Show me where his apartment is.
- Have a good time.
- Hi.
Hi.
(HUMMING
MARYHAD A LITTLE LAMB)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hey, hold it there, buddy.
Okay, folks, let's move it along.
How you doing? Pretty cold night
to be pulling traffic duty, huh?
Who are you?
Yabanowski, 14 Precinct.
- MAN: Come on.
- Let me dig out some ID for you here.
Just take a second. You know,
every year I gotta wear this stuff.
All right, what is it, New Year's Eve?
Give me a break, will you, please?
See, I'm the guy
who visits all the hospitals.
Children's wards, you know?
- You got kids?
- Two.
No kidding. Me, too.
Yeah, I hit the hospitals every year.
I tell you, it really makes me thank God
my kids are healthy, you know?
(CAR HORNS BLARING)
Jeez.
It ain't in that pocket.
You know, maybe if I got out
and stood up it'd be easier.
I'll tell you, just forget about it.
The road's got to roll.
No, no.
I know I got some ID here someplace.
MAN 3: Come on!
You wanna see some pictures of my kids?
I'm sure you got terrific kids.
Just keep it rolling, will you?
I'm going to get lynched here.
Want me to come over to your house?
I could stop by later.
- Play like Santa Claus?
- Give me a break, would you, pal?
No problem, I'll see you next year.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- WOMAN: Well, it's about time.
- All right, folks. Move it along, let's go.
DIMARIO: Right. 29th...
That's the third phone call he's had
since we've been here, damn it.
How much longer are we going to wait?
- Yeah. Ain't that always the case?
- Well, what do you say, Mr. DiMario?
Come on, help us out, we'd like
to wrap this up and get out of here.
What? If he's not off that phone in 30
seconds, I'm going to pull him off.
Okay, right. Got it. Pronto!
Busted axle on 29th and 5th.
Bring a sling.
Christmas and New Year's
are my best times of the year.
I really clean up.
Well, that's great.
Why don't you finish telling us
about Santa Claus?
Be right back.
We're closed.
What are you... What, is he crazy or what?
Why don't you lighten up, huh?
Look, I've had it with this
waiting around, okay?
- I've had it!
- Take it easy, take it easy.
Listen, it's amazing what love
will do to a man.
- It's my busiest time of the year.
- I understand.
Why don't you just tell us all about
the Santa Claus and then we'll go.
Jeez.
He says that he's trying to get to St.
Vincent for the kids and his car stalled.
He says,
"Now with traffic, it'll take forever
"for the police mechanic to get to it."
It's Christmas, right? I'm a nice guy, right?
Sure.
- And that's all there was to it?
- Yeah, you want some more?
Just because he...
You know who I'm talking about.
Because he doesn't have a home
to go to anymore,
he's trying to screw it up for the rest of us.
Let's move it, Isbecki.
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
Good. Well, if that's it, that's it.
We'll be in touch.
(PHONE RINGS)
Detectives, Petrie.
Hi, honey.
What happened?
WOMAN ON RADIO: 10-60, 7-5, respond.
Priority message for Detective's Car 12.
Did she say 12?
All other units clear air
except for calls 10-13 and 10-30.
Central, this is Detective Car 12
responding to priority message.
Go ahead, 14.
Chris, Mark Petrie here.
I think there's some sort of problem
with Claudia.
- Oh, Lord.
- What's wrong?
PETRIE: If you could take her
to the hospital, I'll meet you there.
- It'll be much faster.
- Give me that.
Petrie, is this real labor,
or are you just trying to save
the price of a cab?
I don't know, but something's wrong.
Has she talked to her doctor?
Please, just try to get her to the hospital
quickly, all right?
I don't know what's wrong.
- She's bleeding.
- We're on our way.
Go.
(SIRENS BLARING)
I tell you, I hear stuff like this,
it scares the hell out of me.
She'll be fine.
You're looking at
the mother of two here, remember?
(SIREN WAILING)
WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Cooper, stat.
Dr. Cooper, stat.
There she is.
CAGNEY: Could we have
some help here, please?
There's the man, right there. Here we go.
You look like a woman
who's about to have a baby.
Something isn't right, Mark.
- I'm still bleeding.
- Everything is gonna be fine.
See, Mary Beth has had two babies,
she knows.
- She knows that.
- I know that.
- Is Dr. Polachek here yet?
- Yes, he's here.
You don't have to worry
about a thing, my love.
We are gonna have this baby.
And we are gonna be a family.
Everything is going to be all right.
Can't wait to see you skinny again.
- Oh, I love you.
- Love you, too.
You're gonna come with me?
What do you mean, am I coming with you?
Of course.
Here, Petrie.
You let us know right away, all right?
I'll come down
as soon as we know something.
Hope it's a boy.
- What do you think?
- I'm not a doctor, Chris.
Look, there's no telling
how long we're gonna have to wait,
so I'm going to call the squad room
and let them know, huh?
If you talk to what's-his-name,
tell him hi for me, huh?
Got a dime?
WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Gellar, Dr. Gellar.
- I'm lonely.
- CAGNEY: Dory, I'm trying.
Dinner's just going to be a little late.
I want to taste your plum pudding.
Well, my plum pudding tastes great.
DORY: Why don't I just go ahead and start?
Without me?
Well, just a glimpse.
I'll glaze the duck.
That way, we can just slide it in the oven
when you come through the door.
- I wanted us to cook together.
- DORY: So you got to work.
No, you're the one
who's gonna end up doing the work.
- Are you going to wait for me?
- I always do, don't I?
Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
- This wine is terrific.
- Are you getting drunk?
Hey.
Oh, I'll call you later. Bye.
WOMAN ON PA:
Dr. Alexander, Dr. Alexander.
Not much to say.
They stopped the bleeding
and put her on a fetal monitor.
- Wait and see, huh?
- Yeah.
They're talking a cesarean section.
Can you believe that?
- Well, they do those all the time.
- I was cesarean.
Claudia and I took
natural childbirth classes for 10 weeks.
It's crazy.
- Look, I've got to get back.
- Hey...
Everything will be fine. You know that.
Thanks.
You okay?
Christine, you mind very much if we made
a stop before we go in the squad room?
No.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- LACEY: Hey.
- Yo.
- Harvey?
- Mama. It's Mama.
Okay, babe.
- Come on, come on.
- All right, all right.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- Harv, we can stay one minute, okay?
- Hi, Christine.
CAGNEY: Merry Christmas.
HARVEY: Merry Christmas.
- Mom.
- Come here, come here.
- Great.
- Isn't that great?
- Great.
- Yeah.
Wait till you see what we got you, Mom,
it's terrific.
- Yeah, I'll bet it is.
- Yeah.
- Hey, I thought you were home for good.
- No, I...
Give us a second, will you, guys, huh?
Excuse me, guys, please.
- Well, guys, hi. How's it going?
- It's great.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Pretty lights.
- Yeah, look what else we have here.
- HARVEY: Feel better?
- Yep. Yeah, I just...
I got scared, that's all,
with Claudia and all that bleeding and...
Now they're considering a C-section,
and so it made me want to come home
and hug my babies.
I'm glad you did.
Gonna be okay?
Just hang on to me, huh?
What? What?
What?
What are you looking at me like that for?
You wanna have another?
Yeah.
Gotta go back now.
- Yeah, what?
- Okay.
- LACEY: So, what happened to the guys?
- They vanished into the other room.
- Maybe they heard Santa Claus.
- CAGNEY: Yeah.
- Hey. Hello.
- Hello.
There they are.
- There they are. Hi.
- Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Isn't that nice?
Thank you. Can I open it right now?
- You gotta open it right now.
- All right, all right.
- Thank you.
- Harvey said you're pretty.
Hey, no hitting on Christmas Eve.
Come here.
Okay. I love presents.
- LACEY: Faster, faster.
- Okay.
- My favorite color.
- What luck, huh?
Look, a hat, huh? Mittens?
Oh, and a muffler.
Oh, thanks, you guys.
You're so good to me.
All right, that's it. Enough kissing.
Now, come on, we gotta go. We gotta go.
All right, I'm sorry to open presents
and run. Your mother is so mean to me.
These are wonderful. Harvey, thank you.
- It's getting to be 10:00.
- Merry Christmas.
You all go ahead and trim the tree
and surprise me, all right?
- I promise.
- HARVEY: You need a hand? No?
- CAGNEY: No, I got it, I got it, all right.
- Is my present as good as hers?
Merry Christmas.
Goodbye, guys. Thank you.
HARVEY JR.: Goodbye.
MICHAEL: Bye.
You talk to Petrie, give him my best,
will you?
- Yeah, I will.
- Okay.
- Bye, guys.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
HARVEY JR.: All right,
let's finish wrapping the presents.
MICHAEL: Okay.
(BOTH CHATTERING)
No, it's all right. Hurry up.
Hey, you guys.
What's the matter, Dad?
Come here.
If you find a cheaper price, I'll beat it,
you find a better tree and I'll eat it.
- WOMAN: It's too much.
- Hey, what do you want from me, pal?
Blood? I'm practically
giving you the tree now.
MAN: Come on, let's go.
- Yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too, creep.
- MAN: A reasonable price would do.
RALPH: Myer, come here. Come here.
- It's me, Ralph.
- Hey, Ralphie, what you hiding for?
Just making sure
your mother ain't around, you know.
- Myer, I need a favor.
- What's that?
It's $142.55.
I've been cracking parking meters.
I don't know, Ralph,
here, all these coins, jeez.
Come on, Myer, come on, huh?
I'm in the straits here.
Come on, what do you say,
I give you a break?
- Huh?
- Two for three?
- How much is that?
- Eighty-five bucks.
Oh, jeez, okay.
Look, Ralphie, I'm giving you a good deal.
I'm telling you.
Where am I gonna move coins like this
on Christmas Eve?
I know, I know, Myer, I know, but, Myer,
you're the greatest, you know.
So, how's it been going?
You moving any trees here?
- Not bad, not bad.
- Yeah?
- Thanks a lot. I won't forget this, really.
- Take it easy, man.
You want trees? I got trees.
Take advantage of me.
(SIRENS SOUNDING)
Merry Christmas, Myer. See you around.
- WOMAN: Hey, that was Santa Claus.
- Hey, Ralphie.
MAN: Is that a cop?
Hey, look, it's Christmas Eve,
why don't I just give you a tree for cost?
I'll be right back.
- Phil.
- Hello, Bert. Good to see you.
Phil, this is Miss Rainey.
This is Lieutenant Malik. He's the
Bureau Internal Affairs liaison officer.
Very impressive title.
I didn't realize the police force
had so many handsome men.
Thank you. Would you excuse us
for one moment, please?
- Surely.
- A little police business. Can I talk to you?
I was real damn disappointed
to hear about that prisoner foul-up, Bert.
- We'll get him.
- Yeah, I hope so. I hope so.
You know the same thing happened
to a captain in Queens about a year ago,
and, well, my boys,
we caught the case eventually,
but, you know,
that captain is commanding
a vacant lot squad now, Bert.
- Thanks for telling me, Phil.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, would you excuse us?
Just a little police business.
It was very nice to meet you.
It's time for me now to go and
say hello to the uniforms.
- Oh, I hope we meet again.
- Me, too. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Thank you, Bert. I'll be back.
(PHONE RINGS)
Merry Christmas!
Detectives, La Guardia.
LA GUARDIA: What did you say
your name was?
Fine.
Okay.
- The wallet, it's here.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, that creep from IAD shows up,
and so does the wallet.
Okay, we'll send someone right over
to take your statement.
Hey, did you hear me?
The wallet, it's over there.
We may be out of here yet.
The guy who owns a Christmas tree stand
just phoned in
about Santa Claus driving a radio car.
- Sounds great to me, my twins await.
- Hold it. Give Cagney and Lacey a call.
They're already out there.
I'm gonna see if Doris needs anything.
CAGNEY: How do you know
it was Barbinski?
MYER: Hey,
I know Ralph three or four years.
I used to see him around the pool hall.
- He's a little, you know...
- What? A couple of quarts low?
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey, beat it.
- All right.
- You said something about coins.
- What coins?
Could you just tell us
where we could find Ralph?
Hey, beats the hell out of me.
I just don't want to get arrested,
you know?
I mean, I've been arrested before,
I don't like it.
No one is gonna arrest you, sir.
Can you tell us anything
about Mr. Barbinski
that might help us to locate him?
Well, I don't know where he lives.
I used to know his phone number,
but the last time I heard,
it was disconnected.
Could you tell us where he works?
Nah, nah. He used to be a mechanic
but he lost his job when he hurt his back.
Oh, hey, he's working now.
He got a job as one of them Santa Clauses,
that's why he's wearing the suit.
For a department store
or the Salvation Army?
No, no, no. One of them places
that rents out Santas to parties and stuff.
Thank you.
Look, we all want
to help the Lieutenant, okay?
Come on,
it doesn't take all of us to find some yutz
who's cracking parking meters.
You know, it hurts me to say this,
but Isbecki's right.
Even he could do this single-handedly.
I got a flight to catch, do you mind?
My twins await.
I don't wanna hear about twins.
I think that is vile and disgusting.
- So, what's the proposal?
- I say we draw straws.
Now, the loser has to stay
and follow up on Barbinski.
The rest of us could lead a normal life.
All we have to do is convince Samuels.
I'll risk it.
So, the batteries are already in,
and you just...
You hold it here and press right there.
(WHIRRING)
How about that, huh?
(ALL LAUGHING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(CHUCKLING)
- You okay?
- It snapped.
You got nothing better to do?
Find Barbinski!
Can you believe this?
Is that the wallet?
How much money's in it?
About 200 bucks.
See that creep in Samuels' office?
He brought it.
CAGNEY: That's Malik, isn't it?
- You know what I'm gonna do?
- Haven't a clue.
I'm gonna hand this in to Samuels,
right under that jerk's nose.
Hey, you're all man, Isbecki.
LACEY: Can you hold it down a second?
Go ahead.
So, what did they say was wrong?
Placenta previa. It's pretty rare.
There's just no way
for the baby to get out normally.
LA CEY: Please, Petrie, don't worry, huh?
Did I tell you that Harv's sister Joyce
had all three of her children cesarean?
I can be in the room with her, that'll help.
Marcus, don't worry, huh?
Yeah. Really wanted to deliver that baby
with my own hands.
Mary Beth... I just want Claudia
and the baby to be all right.
Listen, you want someone
to come down there and be with you?
No, thanks.
I'm with Claudia, that's enough.
Listen, you tell her for me, "Stay strong,"
and we're,
all of us, thinking about you here,
and let us know right away, huh?
- Okay.
- Right away.
Bad?
I like that man a lot.
This is the guy we're looking for.
We know he's employed
as a Santa Claus somewhere.
- Yeah.
- You know the guy?
- Yeah, Ralph Barbinski.
- Yeah.
Hey, you ain't telling me Ralph's
in some kind of trouble, are you?
- We can't talk about that.
- I mean, it's just that Ralph's...
Hey, I love Ralph.
He's one of my favorite employees.
SANTA 1: No!
SANTA 2: Hey, come on, man!
Hey, Max, you wanna break the bums,
huh?
SANTA 1: Hey, I got this.
SANTA 2: No way, José. Come on.
Hey, hey, hey, Max. Leave me alone.
Christmas is a filthy business.
He's good with kids, hell of a nice guy.
- Max?
- No, Ralphie.
It's just that... I don't know, he's...
He's not retarded, I don't think.
Well, we get the picture.
Do you have his current address?
- You people sure you want this guy?
- We're sure.
I'll get on the horn to Cagney and Lacey,
I'll tell them to meet us over there.
- Mark?
- Yes.
- You love me, don't you?
- You know I love you, Claudia.
I love you more than anything.
- I'm sorry I messed things up.
- What? That's crazy.
It was supposed to be so nice.
God, I hope the baby's all right.
You and the baby are going to be fine,
you're both going to be strong
and healthy and alive.
Do you hear me?
- I'm so glad you're with me, baby.
- You're gonna be fine.
Wait your turn.
- Thank you.
- Here we are, hot tea and honey.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Maybe it would be better if
the children played in the other room.
- Why? So they can break something?
- Hush, Papa.
We have nothing to hide in this family,
ma'am, not a thing.
Do you children love your daddy?
- He's a no good, son-of-a...
- Hush. You old fool.
Perhaps, Mrs. Barbinski, it would be better
if we got back to what you were
talking about before the tea break?
MRS. BARBINSKI:
Papa never did like Ralph.
No kidding.
Thinks he's no-account
but that's just not true.
Married seven years,
and I'm supporting the lot of them.
Ralph couldn't help losing his job.
An engine block fell on him,
hurt his back bad.
We didn't have any insurance,
and the job didn't pay any benefits.
Ralph can't lift things anymore.
- He sure can lift a fork.
- Please let her finish the story.
Do you have any idea
where your husband might be now?
Are you gonna arrest our daddy?
He was working as a Santa Claus,
that's all I know.
His friend, Ben Peters in Florida,
offered him a share
of a miniature golf course
if we could get down there.
That's why Ralph took the job
of Santa Claus, for ticket money.
Well, he has been making money, ma'am,
but not as a Santa.
- This is a hell of a thing.
- Trixie.
Seven years and she finally sees it.
You have any...
Santa Claus!
That's not Santa Claus, stupid,
that's Daddy.
- Hello, Ralph.
- Police, Ralph.
ISBECKI: Police!
CAGNEY: Hey, Ralph, come on.
Don't you hurt him. Ralph, don't let them...
I'll call for a backup.
LACEY: Ralph, we just wanna talk to you.
CAGNEY: Let us talk to you!
He's going up to the roof!
ISBECKI: All right. I'll get the fire escape!
MAN 1: What's going on out here?
MRS. BARBINSKI: Ralph.
WOMAN: Girl, they out there
chasing Santa Claus.
BOY: Daddy, Daddy.
MAN 2: Go Santa, go Santa!
GIRL: That's not Santa Claus, stupid,
that's Daddy.
- Let me see!
- MAN 3: What's all that noise out there?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
MAN 4: Come on. Let's get up on that roof.
CAGNEY: Look, it's starting to snow.
LACEY: Hey, Ralph.
Ralph. Hey, give us a break, huh?
He didn't come up the fire escape.
It's bizarre.
It's supposed to be too cold to snow.
- They're gonna shoot Santa Claus.
- Now, nobody is gonna shoot anybody.
Would you put that thing away,
for God's sake?
- People, we're the police, it's all right.
- ISBECKI: After an escaped felon.
- They're after my daddy.
- Santa Claus.
Ho, ho, ho.
That's not Santa Claus, stupid,
that's Daddy.
Okay, Santa, come on down from there
before you hurt yourself.
I can't, I can't.
Oh, God.
I did wrong, I got nothing to say for myself
and I'm ready to pay the price.
Even if it is Christmas.
You should have thought of that
before you decided to sucker people
out of their money.
Well, like I said, I'm ready to pay the price,
even if I do have a wife and kids
waiting on Christmas Eve.
Can you believe this guy?
I don't know, wait a minute. Maybe we can
work something out here, Bert.
- Bert?
- Lieutenant.
Sir, it seems to me that it's not unusual,
in special cases,
to issue a desk appearance ticket if you
think that the accused will appear in court.
- You'd appear, wouldn't you, Ralph?
- You bet he would.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
We are not talking misdemeanors here.
We are talking felonies, larceny,
escaping arrest, stealing a police vehicle.
Now, excuse me, Lieutenant,
I didn't exactly steal that police car.
I just sort of used it.
Do you hear this? The guy's crazy.
Probably can't even take care of himself.
No, really, I brought it back as soon
as I was finished. It's out there now.
- Come on.
- He's right, Bert.
He showed us the car
when we brought him in.
Come on.
You ought to see what this guy's
putting up with at home, Lieutenant.
Seven years you were straight
and you had to throw it all away
for miniature golf in Florida?
Well, Lieutenant,
you know, a man's gotta work.
A man can't sponge off his in-laws.
Sir, if I was a smart defense attorney,
I could point out that you did not know
Mr. Barbinski wasn't going
to turn that money over to charity.
- Well, you're not that smart.
- Yes, sir.
- The same attorney could also say...
- Do not press your luck.
Give him a D.A.T.
and let him get out of here.
- Yes, sir.
- What about my ticket money?
What?
Well, you know, trying to get that money
was the whole reason
I went back into serious crime.
I told you, this guy's crazy.
Ralph, you got that money breaking
into parking meters. We can't give it back.
- There goes our dream, Ralphie.
- They're both crazy.
- I bet they need constant supervision.
- Lieutenant?
- What?
- What happened to the wallet?
Well, I shoved it off on that creep, Malik,
so he could bring it back to all those
other rats in Internal Affairs.
Why?
Just wanna say Merry Christmas,
you're doing a great job.
Merry Christmas, boys.
OFFICER 1: Merry Christmas.
OFFICER 2: Merry Christmas.
- Lieutenant Malik, Lieutenant.
- Yes?
We don't know each other
but I'm Detective Cagney.
- Well, very nice to meet you.
- Hello.
I just didn't want you to get away
before I wished you a Merry Christmas.
Well...
- What was that for?
- I just wanted to give you something.
You and all the wonderful guys
at Internal Affairs.
Well, thank you very much.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
Detective Cagney?
- Cagney. Right.
- Nice to meet you.
Thank you, bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Excuse me.
You sure it wasn't his personal wallet?
Trust me. First bump I got the wallet,
second bump I put it back.
That's half the money.
Willie, you're off the hook.
We'll square it for you.
Merry Christmas, Willie.
- Merry Christmas.
- Stay out of trouble.
- I gave you my word, didn't I?
- Yeah. Merry Christmas, Willie.
Merry Christmas.
Ticket money.
- Oh, no, we can't take charity.
- Ralph.
You wanna go on living
with Mama and Papa?
I'll pay you back as soon as I can.
Whenever. Just take your family,
take the money, go to Florida
and come back for the court appearance.
Merry Christmas.
You won't have to do time, Ralph,
there's certainly enough people
rooting for you in your corner.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot,
and I hope you get something nice
for Christmas, all of you.
Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.
(LAUGHING)
It is 10:05.
Dory shouldn't be too drunk,
at least for dinner.
- That is, if we're free to go.
- What? You're free.
- Thank the good Lord.
- We missed Handel's Messiah.
The night is young, Doris.
We have each other.
Now, there's an 11:20 flight,
I could pick up the twins.
Will you stop with the twins?
You know how I feel about that.
Victor, I need to talk with you.
My mother.
I'll just stay here
out of your way till you're finished,
and then we'll go to the airport.
- Your mother?
- Oh, Victor.
Victor, oh, Victor.
Hi, Ma.
- Merry Christmas, guys.
- Merry Christmas, stay warm.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Hey, I know everybody wants to go home
but I've got half a jug of eggnog,
it's pretty good.
Well, sir,
I think we have some cups over here.
Got any nutmeg?
(PHONE RINGING)
SAMUELS ON PHONE:
Detectives, Samuels.
PETRIE ON PHONE: It's a girl!
SAMUELS: It's a girl!
LA CEY: All right, Petrie!
Yes!