Cagney & Lacey (1981–1988): Season 2, Episode 19 - Let Them Eat Pretzels - full transcript
Cagney and Lacey try to find a way to arrest the son of a immunized diplomat who's using his nation's embassy to avoid justice after hitting a poor man with his car.
What did you expect us to do?
Go in there with him?
Yeah. A suspect has to go to the can,
you go to the can with him.
With our diplomatic community,
we prefer to do these things personally
rather than issuing a warrant.
What kind of hero? I got run over by a car.
- Out of the way, people.
- Excuse us.
You know, you blow a collar like this,
it makes us all look bad.
Yes, sir.
Forget tear gas, Isbecki. Why don't we
just drop a neutron bomb on the place?
May I remind you
of your country's reaction
when your embassy
was violated in Tehran?
Thank you.
Thank you very much, sir.
- Good night, Mr. Moqtadi.
- Good night.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ALARM BUZZING)
It's Monday, Mary Beth.
(MOANING)
Monday, Wednesday, Friday are your days.
Come on, the kids need breakfast.
Up and at 'em.
- I start kicking in two seconds.
- All right, all right. I'm up.
You sure it isn't Tuesday?
Yesterday was Sunday.
Feels like Tuesday.
(CAR STARTING)
MICHAEL: I like lots of syrup
on mine, Grandma.
MURIEL: Coming up.
Mom never makes French toast
for us during the week.
Well, your mother works very hard, dear.
She doesn't always have time
to fuss in the morning.
Yeah. The guys at school think
it's neat that Mom's a cop.
- Nobody messes with you.
- Yeah.
But sometimes I'd like to have
a normal mom, you know?
Like they got on television,
that serve lemonade
and drive you to the Cub Scouts
in a station wagon.
And serve you chocolate chip cookies
all the time.
Yeah.
Hi, Mom. Grandma is making
French toast, the kind that puffs up.
Oh, Muriel, you didn't have to go
to all that trouble.
That's okay, dear. I'm an early riser.
You look very lovely today.
I like your pearl.
Oh, thank you.
So, how about egg salad sandwiches
for lunch?
- We have some left over from yesterday.
- I hate egg salad.
Me, too.
- Well...
- Egg salad tastes like wet cardboard.
That's what we got, sorry.
Mary Beth, I made up a couple of
roast beef sandwiches
for the boys to take to school.
MICHAEL: All right.
I was at the deli yesterday,
and I thought I'd pick up something
for their lunch today.
Thank you, Muriel.
- There's fresh coffee there.
- Oh, great.
So, what do you say, guys,
we make chocolate chip cookies
this weekend?
- Yeah.
- I'll bake some this afternoon.
I have nothing else to do.
- How long is she staying?
- Two weeks or so.
- Till they finish painting her apartment.
- Two weeks?
- Want to come and stay at my place?
- Why?
Mothers-in-law and wives, you know,
they always have problems.
Yeah, according to who?
According to everybody.
Don't you watch Johnny Carson?
I just read an interesting article
about marital discord
within the extended nuclear family,
expands on Freud's Oedipal theory.
Oh, please, Paul.
No Oedipal theories before lunch, all right?
Muriel and I get along fine.
Lieutenant wants
to see you girls right now.
Women, Isbecki. Women.
Girls are usually under 18,
and they don't have detective shields.
- Touchy this morning, isn't she?
- Her mother-in-law is staying with her.
- My condolences.
- I like my mother-in-law.
One of the advantages of being single
is not having a mother-in-law.
Of course,
there are more exciting advantages.
Please, Isbecki,
would you spare us the details?
Come on, Mary Beth.
- You wanted to see us, Lieutenant?
- Yeah.
Listen to this, will you? Virgo, that's me.
"You will see cherished hopes
and dreams come to fruition."
- That's terrific, sir.
- Do you believe this garbage?
- No.
- Me, neither.
All right, run over to
Lexington General Hospital.
They brought in an apparent
hit-and-run victim there last night.
Sol Klein.
He's a cutter in the Garment District.
If he's conscious,
you get a statement from him.
Then go on over to check the scene out
for eyewitnesses at 64th and Lex.
Right.
What about you, Lacey? What's your sign?
- Taurus, sir.
- Taurus, huh?
Taurus...
"Communicate better with loved ones.
An unexpected visit."
- They're talking about Muriel.
- Yeah, who's Muriel?
Oh, it's Harv's mother, sir.
She's staying with us.
Oh, yeah, that's rough.
Well, if anyone can handle that, you can.
No, sir. There's nothing to handle.
I like my mother-in-law.
That's what I'm talking about.
Great attitude.
Makes the best out of a bad situation.
- It's a... It's not...
- We should probably get started.
Case and all.
- I like my mother-in-law.
- Okay.
(WOMAN ANNOUNCING ON PA)
Three cracked lumbar ribs,
a broken clavicle, perforated spleen,
multiple contusions and a concussion.
- Will he make it?
- Well, the prognosis is fair.
There's nothing life-threatening.
So when can we talk to him?
Depends on how he comes out
of the anesthesia.
There's often residual trauma.
We won't know until tomorrow morning
at the earliest.
Doctor, is there anything
that you can tell us
about what might have happened to him?
I'm not trained
in forensic medicine, Detective.
It would only be speculation.
We just want your opinion.
We're not going to sue you
for malpractice.
He was hit by a car, wasn't he?
I would say, a large car moving very fast.
Way too fast.
Knocked the body over there to the curb.
Who found the victim?
Subway conductor
on his way to work at 4:00 a.m.
People probably passed him by earlier,
thinking he was a drunk sleeping it off.
- Thank you, Officer.
- Thank you.
Let us know if the rubber sample
goes anywhere.
All right.
Hi, we're detectives
from the 14th Precinct.
We wanted to ask you
some questions about the accident
- that happened here last night.
- I don't suppose you saw anything.
I haven't seen anything in 51 years, lady.
Sorry, didn't realize.
You want to talk to Sly.
He sells pretzels across the street.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
- Are you Sly?
- Yeah.
The news vendor across the street
said that maybe you could help us.
That depends.
Do you know why a hummingbird hums?
Why?
Because it don't know the words.
Pretzels?
Yeah, two.
Listen, Sly,
there was a hit-and-run here last night.
Sometime between 10:00 and 12:00.
You know anything about it?
You know how many cops
it takes to change a light bulb?
- How many?
- Ten.
One to change the light bulb,
nine to write out the report.
So did you see anything last night, Sly?
- I saw the whole thing go down.
- You did?
I was pushing my cart back to the garage
at 63rd, I saw the guy get wasted.
Do you know there are three ways
to spread the news?
- Last one, all right?
- Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.
- Not funny.
- Why didn't you report it?
You kidding, baby? Sly don't have
nothing to do with no dead men.
No how. No, sir.
You mess with stiffs, you're next.
- You didn't do anything?
- Nothing.
- Except remember the license plate.
- You got the plate off the car that hit him?
Care for another pretzel for the road?
Forget the pretzels.
What was the plate number, Sly?
O-I-L.
B-U-X.
Could you give me that spelling again?
WOMAN ON RADIO: Hassan. H-A-S-S-A-N.
Middle name, Bin. B-I-N.
Last name, Moqta di. That's M-O-Q-T-A-D-I.
Vehicle registration address.
Care of Republic of Zamir. Z-A-M-I-R.
Mission to the United Nations,
647, East 52nd Street.
Okay, I got it. Thank you.
Did you ever hear of a place called Zamir?
It's one of those oil sheikdoms
in the Persian Gulf.
How do you know that?
I do The New York Times
crossword puzzle every morning.
Mary Beth, if that guy is a diplomat,
we can't touch him.
- Well, he didn't have DPL plates.
- Let's nail him. Here.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Feel like I'm in the middle of
The Arabian Nights.
- Too strong?
- Put that stuff in your car, it'll run fast.
I'm Said Jamal,
Deputy Chief of Mission at your service.
Yes, Mr. Jamal. I am Detective Cagney.
This is Detective Lacey.
We're from the 14th Precinct.
We're trying to get in touch with
Hassan bin Moqtadi.
- Please be seated.
- Thank you.
I trust that any inconvenience
that Mr. Moqtadi may have caused
to your city is not of a serious nature.
It's a matter of a couple of parking tickets.
With our diplomatic community,
we prefer to do these things personally
rather than issuing a warrant.
Your hospitality is greatly appreciated.
Is Mr. Moqtadi officially attached
to this mission?
Let us say he is filially attached.
I beg your pardon?
He's the son of our Minister of the Interior,
Sheik Moqtadi bin Amir.
Well, I trust he's enjoying New York City.
The weather's been beautiful.
Anything that Mr. Moqtadi can do
to help you with your duties,
he will be most pleased to perform.
Oh, I'm sure he will.
I don't suppose you know
where we could find him now,
Mr. Jamal, do you?
He generally lunches
between noon and 2:00.
Any particular place?
He has a table reserved
at Le Maquereau Pourri.
- I beg your pardon?
- Le Maquereau Pourri.
Really, Hassan?
- That'd just be so super.
- You know, when you smile,
you have little creases under your eyes
which I find completely irresistible.
To us.
- That's him. Come on, Mary Beth.
- Oh, excuse me.
Would you mind terribly
if I had him come out here?
Oh, we're not dressed properly
or something?
No, we would just prefer
to avoid an incident.
- All right, go ahead.
- I thank you.
- Nice place, huh?
- It's gorgeous.
Yeah.
So what do you figure? 70 bucks for lunch
if we get the house wine?
The house wine costs 70 bucks.
He's not bad-looking.
If you like that type.
Hello, Maurice tells me
you wanted to see me.
Yes, we have information
that a car registered in your name
was involved in an accident, Mr. Moqtadi.
Wondered if you'd come down
to the Precinct to answer a few questions.
Shouldn't take long.
Surely, it can wait till after lunch.
We're on our lunch hour, now, sir.
Certainly. Maurice.
Be so kind as to tell Miss Brandenmeier
to order dessert. I'll be back shortly.
If you ladies don't mind, I'd like to splash
a little water on my hands.
- I'll be right with you.
- Of course.
Oh, no. Thanks, we'll wait out here.
- Looks like a young Omar Sharif.
- He's got crooked teeth.
You know, Christine, you're very critical.
That's your trouble with men.
You want them all to be perfect.
No, I just have a thing about teeth.
When do we tell him the whole story?
In the car.
You think he's onto us?
Maybe.
What's he going to do?
There's only one door to the men's room.
- Window.
- Window.
Have you got a window here
in the men's room?
Wait a second, you can't go in there.
How could you let a thing
like this happen?
Well, there was a window
in the bathroom, sir.
No kidding.
You don't have a window
in your bathroom, huh?
I got a window in my bathroom.
What did you expect us to do?
Go in there with him?
Yeah. A suspect has to go to the can,
you go to the can with him.
- We'll get him, sir.
- You better get him.
Now, go on, get out of here.
Wait a minute. I...
I didn't mean to yell. It's just that...
You know, you blow a collar like this,
it makes us all look bad.
- Yes, sir.
- You know what I mean?
So, you go into the shower
with him next time, if you have to.
Right?
Right, sir.
- He didn't mean to yell.
- Could've fooled me.
- What happened in there?
- Nothing.
- Petrie, absolutely nothing.
- It was a very loud nothing.
La Guardia, do you ever go
into a ladies' room to make a collar?
All the time.
Years ago, when I worked Vice,
the hookers used to run into the john
- at Penn station.
- And you flushed them out, so to speak.
- Come on, Mary Beth, let's get out of here.
- I'm sorry.
We used to go in there like the Marines.
And I tell you,
they'd come at us with everything,
hat pins, umbrellas, whatever they had.
- That was before the Miranda decision.
- I see.
You didn't have to read them their rights.
I remember one day in Queens...
How do they drink this stuff?
It's a ritual of politeness.
Yeah. Well, skipping out
the bathroom window wasn't too polite.
So this time we put cuffs on him.
We are very pleased
to receive you once more.
Mr. Jamal, I'm afraid that this time
is not going to be so pleasant.
We have a warrant for the arrest
of Hassan bin Moqtadi.
Arrest?
He's the primary suspect in a
felony assault and reckless endangerment.
I don't understand.
Mr. Moqtadi's car was identified
leaving the site of an accident
where an elderly man
was very badly injured.
I see.
Well, I shall discuss the matter
with him straightaway.
Mr. Jamal, I don't think that you
understand. We are here to arrest him.
That's quite out of the question.
Look, Mr. Jamal, we were hoping
to do this without creating a scene.
Mr. Moqtadi is not a registered diplomat,
and he has no immunity from arrest.
Yes, but Mr. Moqtadi is a citizen of Zamir,
and you are presently on territory
belonging to the Republic of Zamir.
We're on 1st and 52nd, sir.
The diplomatic status accredited
by your State Department
provides for extraterritorial sovereignty
for our mission.
You have no jurisdiction
within these walls.
And there's a man named Sol Klein
who's lying in a hospital out there
in pretty rough shape
because of Mr. Moqtadi.
That is most regrettable.
I must tell you,
there are many of us who do not approve
of the manner in which Mr. Moqtadi
comports himself.
However, you Americans, of all people,
should be sensitive to the principle
of inviolability of diplomatic legations.
May I remind you
of your country's reaction
when your embassy
was violated in Tehran?
Just a minute, here.
Should you care to pursue the matter,
I would suggest you proceed
through the usual diplomatic channels.
Good day.
I'm not going to put
any uniforms out there.
The only way
we're going to nail this clown
is to get him to make a run for the airport.
You mean,
he can stay there forever if he wants to.
- Well, that's the law.
- Why don't we go in there with tear gas?
Forget tear gas, Isbecki. Why don't we
just drop a neutron bomb on the place?
- Why are you always so sarcastic?
- You bring out the best in me.
Well, if you got a little regular attention
from a real man...
- Hey, don't worry about me, okay?
- SAMUELS: You two, knock it off.
We'll have to stake his place out
around the clock.
Four-hour shifts, detectives only.
I'll make out a schedule.
- I hate stakeouts.
- We'll play gin rummy.
You still owe me $1.46
from the one last December.
- Did you have any plans for tonight?
- No.
Muriel is taking the kids to dinner
and to a movie.
- How's it going with her?
- Oh, it's terrific.
I come home, place is spotless,
dinner is on the table.
It's like having full-time help.
You think she's applying for the job?
- I gotta cancel a date.
- Who's the guy?
Nobody special. His name's Jack Bridell.
Very successful corporate lawyer
with a ski chalet in Vermont,
season tickets to the Lincoln Center
and eyes like Paul Newman.
Not only that, he's not married,
he's not gay, and he's not going through
a mid-life crisis.
Jack Bridell, please.
Chris Cagney.
Yes, I'll hold.
He sounds wonderful, Chris.
I'm sorry that you had to cancel.
Where was he taking you?
This little Northern Italian place
over on 56th.
They make veal you'd kill for.
And then, who knows?
- How's his teeth?
- Perfect.
Hello, Jack.
NEWSCASTER ON TV: Dallas, Los Angeles,
Chicago and Baltimore.
Among the boroughs, Brooklyn ha d
the largest number of homicides,
- although Manhattan ha d the highest...
- Harv, I'm very bored with this program.
- Could I ask you a very serious question?
- Sure.
What do you think of love
in the afternoon?
- You'd rather watch a soap?
- No dear, us.
Muriel's got the kids. We got the house.
I don't have to be back on stakeout
for three hours and 26 minutes,
and I think you're gorgeous.
I think you're sexy.
So, come on, what do you say?
I've been thinking about what Christine
said about my mother,
that she wants to move in here.
You think she's right?
- Probably, yeah.
- There's no room here, she knows that.
Well, you've heard her talk
about helping us
with a down payment on a house
on the island.
So?
So, I think that she comes with the house.
Baby, I couldn't do that to you.
Harv, if you want your mother
to move in with us,
it's okay with me. I like Muriel.
We can make it work out.
Now, you want to continue
this conversation in the bedroom?
- We can't do it.
- Why not? You got a headache?
Come on, baby.
I'm talking about my mother.
Harv, your mother is scared
of being all by herself.
She's feeling old, and she's feeling alone.
That's just the point.
She isn't old. She's 62.
Before my father died, she was a spitfire,
always on the go, lots of friends.
Now, she sits alone all day,
or she comes over here.
- And makes French toast. Yeah.
- Yeah.
What she needs is a life of her own,
not just to be somebody's grandmother.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, would you talk to her?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- But she's your mother.
- Yeah, but you're the woman.
You'll know how to tell her the right way.
Would you do it?
Harvey.
I know you can.
You're good at this kind of stuff.
- Harvey.
- Come on, baby.
I'll make it worth your while.
Oh, Harv, look at that. Look at that.
If you're not guilty of the alleged crime,
then what do you have to fear
by coming forward?
Surely, you understand
the political climate in New York City.
It's hardly a place for me to get a fair trial.
- You mean you want a change of venue?
- Of course.
Might I remind you, I'm an Arab?
The victim of this alleged incident
is a Jew.
New York City has a population
of over one million people
- of Jewish descent.
- Hypocrite, hypocrite.
- He's trying to throw up a smoke screen.
- Who is he?
He's a criminal, that's who he is,
and we're going to nail him,
because he's trying to start
the Arab-Israeli war
all over again on 52nd street.
He's not going to do it, though.
LACEY: I don't believe it. I do not believe it.
- CAGNEY: Some undercover stakeout.
- Yeah.
He did it. He started a war.
- How long has this been going on?
- Since right after the 6:00 news.
These people move fast.
You two might as well go home.
This guy isn't going anyplace
with all these uniforms around here.
I'll think we'll stick around awhile.
Nothing better happening, huh?
- It's a circus.
- It's news.
Yeah? So was the guy in the Texas Tower.
I hate it. What about the victims?
What about the Sol Kleins?
Mary Beth, could you lighten up?
This could be a very long night.
Yeah, and he's gonna be up there
having press conferences and banquets.
Speaking of banquets,
they left us dinner. Here.
You're joking.
I'm gonna take 10 minutes.
- Hiya.
- Hi, Mom. How was the stakeout?
Did you sit in a car and eat cold pizza
and drink beer like Dirty Harry?
We ate pretzels.
- Good morning, Muriel.
- Good morning, dear.
- Grandma's making pancakes.
- So I see. Hey, come on, let me take over.
I don't mind, really.
No, I will make breakfast this morning.
Since when? You only make good stuff
on Saturday and Sunday.
Since right now.
I thought since you were up
so late last night...
That was very thoughtful of you, Muriel.
Though, not too well done, Mom, okay?
- Yeah, with plenty of syrup, right?
- Right.
There's egg salad sandwiches
in the fridge for lunch.
- I made them when I got home last night.
- Oh, Mom.
"Oh, Mom."
They tell me I was hit by a Rolls-Royce.
Not bad, huh?
Well, we know who the driver is,
and we have a witness.
We're just having a tiny legal problem
making the arrest.
Listen, I know all about it.
It's on the news.
If I'd got hit by a Jew,
it would've hurt just as much.
We'll get him, Mr. Klein. I promise you.
I don't understand the big deal.
Look at this.
I get flowers
from people I don't even know.
"Get well, Mr. Klein."
"You're our hero, Mr. Klein."
What kind of hero? I got run over by a car.
- You know what I'd like?
- What?
First, I'd like everybody to leave me alone.
And second, I'd like someone to tell me
how I'm going to pay the hospital bill.
You mean
you don't have medical insurance?
You know how much
that stuff costs these days?
Well, not really, sir.
The department covers us.
You should thank God it does.
At these prices, you have to die
to get your money's worth.
I'm sorry.
Is it true this guy is worth $20 million?
It's what the papers are saying.
You'd think he could afford
to hire a chauffeur.
Cagney. Lacey.
Have a seat.
- Detective Lacey. Detective Cagney.
- Inspector.
Inspector, you wanna fill them in?
It's about this Moqtadi business.
I don't know if you know who he is.
- As far as I can see, he's a spoiled brat.
- And a felon, sir.
Well, he's also the son
of the Minister of the Interior for Zamir.
We know that.
What you might not know is
our country
is in the middle of negotiations
for a long-term oil deal.
Now, the talks
are very sensitive right now.
This doesn't help.
- Well, sir, he ran over...
- Moreover,
this department is being made
to look very bad in the media.
And this is a no-win situation for us.
Excuse me, Inspector.
What, are you saying
we should just drop it?
What I'm saying, Detective, is
the entire situation might be taken
out of our hands very soon.
There are high-level discussions going on
in Washington right now.
- What kind of discussions?
- A deal.
We kick it down to a misdemeanor.
He cops, says, "I'm sorry," and sa yonara.
And where does that leave Sol Klein?
He can try suing Moqtadi.
And chase him to the courts
for six, eight years?
That is, of course,
if he can get him extradited from Zamir.
Look, between you and me,
I don't like letting a felon
cop out to a misdemeanor.
Now, if you can catch him now,
he may get an indictment
before Washington intervenes.
The trick is getting him
out of that mission.
Any suggestions?
Gonna have to keep on watching him.
- Inspector?
- None that'll hold up in front of a judge.
You know what ticks me off, Inspector?
In this guy's country,
you steal a piece of fruit off of a cart,
they cut your hand off.
He comes over here,
he runs over a man, he nearly kills him,
and we can't even touch him.
Mary Beth, we have to spell
Isbecki and Petrie.
Excuse us.
Rangers blew it again in the third period.
Two goals up, there's seven minutes left
to play and they still blow it.
Listen to this, Isbecki.
"In an exclusive interview
with this reporter,
"Mr. Hassan bin Moqtadi
was quoted as saying,
"'I am a political prisoner
under house arrest
"'just like Lech Walesa was in Poland.'"
Can you beat this man for nerve?
If LeClair hadn't cross-checked the guy
right in front of the ref...
I mean, really.
Where were you going
to have dinner tonight?
This little French place
on Columbus Avenue with Vicky.
- Vicky? Is this a new one?
- Yeah.
I met her in a revolving door
outside of Gimbel's.
She's a nude dancer on Canal Street.
How do you find them, Victor?
It's like this radar system inside my mind.
I hear this little blip on a screen,
turn around, and there they are.
You know, they got everything backwards
in those Arab countries.
Sure, it's great to have four or five wives,
but they keep them covered
with veils and stuff.
- It's a custom.
- Yeah, it's stupid.
Victor, we have customs, too.
You wouldn't like it if somebody made fun
of baseball and apple pie.
Who'd make fun of baseball?
It's your discard.
Stop me if I eat one more pretzel.
That's the trouble with stakeouts.
They're fattening.
- What is the knock card?
- Eight.
Meanwhile, he's up there eating caviar.
Yeah, well, it's like Louis XIV, right?
Let 'em eat pretzels.
It was Marie Antoinette.
Look at that.
What, they run out of caviar?
Listen, sooner or later
he's gonna get tired of caviar.
He's gonna want a hot dog or something.
I mean, what is the big deal anyway?
What is it, fish eggs?
It's supposed to be an aphrodisiac.
It's your turn.
No kidding?
Are you speaking from experience?
No, I just read it somewhere.
That was fast.
Mary Beth.
You ever heard of a delivery man
wearing $200 Italian shoes?
Hey, fella.
Hold it right there. Hey!
Hey, hold it!
LACEY: Moqtadi, get back here!
Police! Damn it! Out of the way!
Look out here.
Police.
- Moqtadi!
- Out of the way!
- Out of the way, people.
- Excuse us.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
- On the bus!
- He's here. Take the back.
- Hey! Hey, Hold on!
- Hold it!
Hey, shut it down.
Will you stop the bus? Open the door.
Police. Stop the bus.
Shut it down! Police officers, folks.
- All right, everybody, come on.
- Step off the bus, please.
- One at a time.
- Now!
- Come on. Take it nice and slow.
- Thank you.
- That's it.
- Slow down. Let me see you all.
- Easy, easy.
- One at a time. Thank you very much.
All right. Let's go here. Come on.
Move, lady.
- Thank you. Here we go.
- Easy, easy.
All right.
A bus?
A bus.
This'll be the first time
in the history of this department
that a suspect made a getaway in a bus,
a New York City bus in broad daylight
with officers in hot pursuit.
- He went out the emergency exit.
- "He went out the emergency exit."
And last time he went out
the bathroom window.
Who is this guy? Houdini?
A bus! A bus.
A big, fat, slow bus!
Is he gone?
I'll take the airport.
You take the Harbor Patrol.
Then we can both do the train stations
and the bus stations.
(PHONE RINGING)
14th Squad, Detective Petrie.
- I beg your pardon.
- About six feet tall, 180 pounds.
Dark complexion. He is carrying a passport
from the Republic of Zamir.
- This is Detective Cagney, 14th Squad.
- You have the wrong extension.
Detective Cagney is on 192.
I don't know where it is.
Somewhere in the Persian Gulf.
You don't have to know where it is
in order to pick him up.
Just hold on, sir.
She'll pick up when she's available.
- He looks like Omar Sharif.
- Who?
Except for the teeth.
Yes! Yes, I'll hold.
Just one minute.
I'll tell her you're holding. Yes.
I need some help on a suspect
who is fleeing jurisdiction.
All right, I'll hold.
Moqtadi. M-O-Q-T-A-D-I.
- Chris.
- Just a minute.
And if you get him, cuff him to something
that weighs at least a ton.
There's a call for you on 192.
I can't take it.
I'm up to my bangs here, Petrie.
Yes, I am holding.
I think you want to talk to this man.
- Who is it?
- Hassan bin Moqtadi.
Detective Cagney.
You hold.
Don't be cute, Mr. Moqtadi.
No, I did not enjoy it.
You just added resisting arrest
to the charges.
Where are you?
Back with the caviar, huh?
I'm not in a position to negotiate,
Mr. Moqtadi.
You come down here,
and you turn yourself in,
and we'll see how willing
the District Attorney is...
You think it over.
And the next time you leave
that little château of yours,
you better be wearing sneakers.
Damn it.
Right.
I got your message.
- You wanted to see us?
- Yes, ma'am.
Did you hear the one about the guy
who talked dirty to his plants?
Arrested for making an obscene fern call.
It's cute, Sly. You got something for us?
Come on, Mary Beth. That one was funny.
It was funny.
Oh, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, Sly,
but if I never see another pretzel again
as long as I live,
- it'll be too soon.
- Lady, don't get all bent out of shape now.
This is very humorous here.
You got something for us or not?
What is this?
That is a
putting-me-out-of-business notice.
Some nosy flatfoot says
that I don't have no business license.
Now, I think some corrections are in order.
Do you have a license?
Madam, I am a true believer
in the free enterprise system,
but the worry of all this is affecting
my memory something terrible.
I keep thinking that that guy
that was driving that big car
was a midget, probably bald,
maybe even a brother.
But definitely not an Arab.
See, the worry
is affecting my mind like this.
- We'll do what we can, Sly.
- As soon as you get your license.
- Tomorrow morning.
- Today. Now.
It's a deal.
Oh, can I ask you ladies
something serious?
How do you feel about knishes?
Is this a joke?
Jewish potato pies.
I'm thinking about
diversifying my business.
I've heard that one.
(DOOR OPENING)
Oh, I thought you'd be asleep by now.
- Is it late?
- It's after midnight.
Must be a terrific book.
- Where's Harv?
- Asleep.
Mary Beth, could we talk?
Oh, sure.
I know I've been a burden
on you and Harvey.
- I'm in the way here.
- Not true.
I'll be leaving tomorrow.
What? They finished painting?
They finished three days ago.
The truth is I didn't wanna go back there.
What's wrong, Muriel?
I don't know what to do.
About what?
About my life.
I get up in the morning, make breakfast,
read the newspaper, straighten up.
Then I look at the clock. It's only 10:30.
And I don't know what to do,
so I straighten up some more.
You don't know what it's like
not having anybody to share your life with.
I feel so useless.
- My partner lives alone.
- What does she do?
Well, she works very hard.
Sometimes I think
that's why she's such a good cop,
'cause she has no distractions.
- Is she happy?
- Yeah, I think she is.
She's honest with herself.
- She has things that she loves.
- Like what?
Like Vermont
and sports cars, sushi,
Mozart, men with perfect teeth.
I envy her.
I was married to Charlie for 35 years.
It's so hard to change.
But not impossible.
I don't even know where to start.
How about a job? Or a cause? Or a hobby?
Or a man?
I couldn't take up with another man.
Muriel, I told you four things here,
and the only thing you heard was "man."
That one,
I at least have some experience with.
- But at my age...
- Oh, Muriel, please. You're not an old lady.
You're bright and you're attractive,
and you make perfect French toast.
And Charlie would not want you
sitting around the apartment
straightening up all day, would he?
- You know what I'd do if I were you?
- What?
If I were you,
for openers,
I would sleep in tomorrow morning,
let somebody else make breakfast,
and then I'd go out and explore the city.
I'd go by Queens College
and The New School
and get their extension catalog.
And I'd go to a newsstand,
get Manhattan Magazine,
which has listings of, you know,
concerts and museums.
I mean, Muriel, get the classifieds.
Maybe someone is willing to pay you
to make French toast.
Well, you never know.
And if that didn't work,
then I would buy myself
a new pair of shoes.
That always works for me.
You need to get some sleep. Go on now.
Mary Beth.
Thanks.
For what?
Good night, Muriel.
You know,
maybe we should negotiate with him.
It's a stalemate. He's not coming out.
We can't get in there.
None of this is helping Sol Klein any.
The thought of making a deal
with that guy makes me sick.
But it's done all the time.
Dope peddlers cop to possession.
Hookers cop to loitering.
And lawyers get rich and it stinks.
(HONKING)
- Oh, no. I can't stand him.
- Just...
- Good morning.
- Morning, sir.
Morning.
I'm afraid I have some rough news.
They offered a deal.
100 bucks and a traffic citation.
I don't believe it.
They're calling in the Ambassador
at 4:00 this afternoon.
- CAGNEY: Does Moqtadi know this yet?
- I'm not even supposed to know.
A friend of mine in the State Department
called me this morning.
Sorry. Samuels in?
Yes, sir.
- Mary Beth.
- What?
Moqtadi doesn't know.
So?
I'm pleased you've decided
to reconsider my offer.
Your offer was to negotiate.
Let's negotiate.
- Is the coffee good, Officer Lacey?
- Very good.
In my country,
when you are shopping for a bride
you are invited
to her parents' house for coffee.
It is a little ritual of negotiation.
And when the bride price is presented,
your host will ask you,
"Is the coffee good?"
If you like the terms, you answer,
"Yes, the coffee is good."
That's fascinating, Mr. Moqtadi,
but we have not settled on any terms yet.
I'm quite confident that we will.
After all, the present situation
is not benefiting anyone, is it?
We want Sol Klein taken care of.
She's very direct, isn't she?
Things move a little more quickly
in New York than they do in Zamir.
If we agree
to drop the criminal charges against you,
what are you prepared to do for Mr. Klein?
Perhaps a modest sum to help him out.
How modest?
Shall we say $1,000?
That wouldn't even touch his hospital bill.
You must realize
I am doing this out of a desire
to alleviate a very unpleasant situation.
I've not been convicted of anything.
Oh, you will be, Mr. Moqtadi. Believe me.
Felony, assault, reckless endangerment.
Oh, and let's not forget about
you resisting arrest.
You're facing a prison sentence.
Then I will pay his hospital bill.
And what about the time
that he lost at work?
I'll pay that, too.
And I think that Mr. Klein
is gonna need a month's vacation
after he gets out the hospital.
Nothing elaborate.
Shall we say
$5,000 on top of his expenses?
You drive a very hard bargain.
Not as hard as the District Attorney,
believe me.
So, Mr. Moqtadi,
how do you like the coffee?
A little expensive,
- but satisfactory.
- Good. Let's get going.
I'll write you a check.
Oh, that coffee's gone bad again.
Oh, yeah.
But surely you don't think
I'm going to write a check
drawn on insufficient funds?
The last time
we transacted business together
you ducked out the bathroom window.
So this time, I think all three of us
should go to the bank together
and draw a nice cashier's check
for Sol Klein.
If you insist.
My bank is at 54 and Madison.
It's a pleasure.
- Mary Beth, I just had another idea.
- What is that?
I think Mr. Moqtadi should make
a small donation,
in your own name of course,
to a worthy charity.
You know, what with all the trouble
he's caused the city of New York.
Certainly.
Whatever charity you like, I'll give $500.
Good.
- How about the United Jewish Appeal?
- Very worthy.
After you, sir.
- How did you pull it off?
- We were charming, sir.
You know, he's gonna be furious when
the deal comes down from Washington.
Let him sue us.
You know you should have cleared this
with me first.
Oh, we were going to, sir. Honest.
But you were so busy
with Inspector Marquette and all.
And we were running out of time, sir.
- You know, Lacey, you're full of...
- Coffee, sir. Lot of thick, black coffee.
You know what the word
chutzpah means?
I grew up in New York, sir.
Go on, get outta here, the both of youse.
Mary Beth, your mother-in-law
is waiting to see you.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, we've been chatting.
She's a very nice lady.
- I told you.
- Is Harvey's father as nice as she is?
Well, he was.
He died a couple of years ago.
Oh. Oh, that's too bad.
Listen, do you think
she might be interested in...
Paul, ask her for her number.
You look gorgeous.
Oh, I just wanted to come by
and say thank you again.
- That dress is terrific.
- You really think so?
Absolutely.
It was on sale.
I didn't keep you waiting long, did I?
Oh, no. I was talking
to that nice detective over there.
La Guardia, like the airport.
Like the Mayor. It's a nice name.
Well, I better be going.
Harvey's waiting out in the car.
Oh, Muriel, I got Monday off,
and I'm dying to go
to the Museum of Modern Art
and have lunch.
You wanna come with me?
- Sure, if you want to.
- It's a date. 1:00.
- Yeah, that'll be great. I'll see you then.
- See you.
Bye.
- La Guardia.
- Yeah.
You like French toast?
Go in there with him?
Yeah. A suspect has to go to the can,
you go to the can with him.
With our diplomatic community,
we prefer to do these things personally
rather than issuing a warrant.
What kind of hero? I got run over by a car.
- Out of the way, people.
- Excuse us.
You know, you blow a collar like this,
it makes us all look bad.
Yes, sir.
Forget tear gas, Isbecki. Why don't we
just drop a neutron bomb on the place?
May I remind you
of your country's reaction
when your embassy
was violated in Tehran?
Thank you.
Thank you very much, sir.
- Good night, Mr. Moqtadi.
- Good night.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ALARM BUZZING)
It's Monday, Mary Beth.
(MOANING)
Monday, Wednesday, Friday are your days.
Come on, the kids need breakfast.
Up and at 'em.
- I start kicking in two seconds.
- All right, all right. I'm up.
You sure it isn't Tuesday?
Yesterday was Sunday.
Feels like Tuesday.
(CAR STARTING)
MICHAEL: I like lots of syrup
on mine, Grandma.
MURIEL: Coming up.
Mom never makes French toast
for us during the week.
Well, your mother works very hard, dear.
She doesn't always have time
to fuss in the morning.
Yeah. The guys at school think
it's neat that Mom's a cop.
- Nobody messes with you.
- Yeah.
But sometimes I'd like to have
a normal mom, you know?
Like they got on television,
that serve lemonade
and drive you to the Cub Scouts
in a station wagon.
And serve you chocolate chip cookies
all the time.
Yeah.
Hi, Mom. Grandma is making
French toast, the kind that puffs up.
Oh, Muriel, you didn't have to go
to all that trouble.
That's okay, dear. I'm an early riser.
You look very lovely today.
I like your pearl.
Oh, thank you.
So, how about egg salad sandwiches
for lunch?
- We have some left over from yesterday.
- I hate egg salad.
Me, too.
- Well...
- Egg salad tastes like wet cardboard.
That's what we got, sorry.
Mary Beth, I made up a couple of
roast beef sandwiches
for the boys to take to school.
MICHAEL: All right.
I was at the deli yesterday,
and I thought I'd pick up something
for their lunch today.
Thank you, Muriel.
- There's fresh coffee there.
- Oh, great.
So, what do you say, guys,
we make chocolate chip cookies
this weekend?
- Yeah.
- I'll bake some this afternoon.
I have nothing else to do.
- How long is she staying?
- Two weeks or so.
- Till they finish painting her apartment.
- Two weeks?
- Want to come and stay at my place?
- Why?
Mothers-in-law and wives, you know,
they always have problems.
Yeah, according to who?
According to everybody.
Don't you watch Johnny Carson?
I just read an interesting article
about marital discord
within the extended nuclear family,
expands on Freud's Oedipal theory.
Oh, please, Paul.
No Oedipal theories before lunch, all right?
Muriel and I get along fine.
Lieutenant wants
to see you girls right now.
Women, Isbecki. Women.
Girls are usually under 18,
and they don't have detective shields.
- Touchy this morning, isn't she?
- Her mother-in-law is staying with her.
- My condolences.
- I like my mother-in-law.
One of the advantages of being single
is not having a mother-in-law.
Of course,
there are more exciting advantages.
Please, Isbecki,
would you spare us the details?
Come on, Mary Beth.
- You wanted to see us, Lieutenant?
- Yeah.
Listen to this, will you? Virgo, that's me.
"You will see cherished hopes
and dreams come to fruition."
- That's terrific, sir.
- Do you believe this garbage?
- No.
- Me, neither.
All right, run over to
Lexington General Hospital.
They brought in an apparent
hit-and-run victim there last night.
Sol Klein.
He's a cutter in the Garment District.
If he's conscious,
you get a statement from him.
Then go on over to check the scene out
for eyewitnesses at 64th and Lex.
Right.
What about you, Lacey? What's your sign?
- Taurus, sir.
- Taurus, huh?
Taurus...
"Communicate better with loved ones.
An unexpected visit."
- They're talking about Muriel.
- Yeah, who's Muriel?
Oh, it's Harv's mother, sir.
She's staying with us.
Oh, yeah, that's rough.
Well, if anyone can handle that, you can.
No, sir. There's nothing to handle.
I like my mother-in-law.
That's what I'm talking about.
Great attitude.
Makes the best out of a bad situation.
- It's a... It's not...
- We should probably get started.
Case and all.
- I like my mother-in-law.
- Okay.
(WOMAN ANNOUNCING ON PA)
Three cracked lumbar ribs,
a broken clavicle, perforated spleen,
multiple contusions and a concussion.
- Will he make it?
- Well, the prognosis is fair.
There's nothing life-threatening.
So when can we talk to him?
Depends on how he comes out
of the anesthesia.
There's often residual trauma.
We won't know until tomorrow morning
at the earliest.
Doctor, is there anything
that you can tell us
about what might have happened to him?
I'm not trained
in forensic medicine, Detective.
It would only be speculation.
We just want your opinion.
We're not going to sue you
for malpractice.
He was hit by a car, wasn't he?
I would say, a large car moving very fast.
Way too fast.
Knocked the body over there to the curb.
Who found the victim?
Subway conductor
on his way to work at 4:00 a.m.
People probably passed him by earlier,
thinking he was a drunk sleeping it off.
- Thank you, Officer.
- Thank you.
Let us know if the rubber sample
goes anywhere.
All right.
Hi, we're detectives
from the 14th Precinct.
We wanted to ask you
some questions about the accident
- that happened here last night.
- I don't suppose you saw anything.
I haven't seen anything in 51 years, lady.
Sorry, didn't realize.
You want to talk to Sly.
He sells pretzels across the street.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
- Are you Sly?
- Yeah.
The news vendor across the street
said that maybe you could help us.
That depends.
Do you know why a hummingbird hums?
Why?
Because it don't know the words.
Pretzels?
Yeah, two.
Listen, Sly,
there was a hit-and-run here last night.
Sometime between 10:00 and 12:00.
You know anything about it?
You know how many cops
it takes to change a light bulb?
- How many?
- Ten.
One to change the light bulb,
nine to write out the report.
So did you see anything last night, Sly?
- I saw the whole thing go down.
- You did?
I was pushing my cart back to the garage
at 63rd, I saw the guy get wasted.
Do you know there are three ways
to spread the news?
- Last one, all right?
- Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.
- Not funny.
- Why didn't you report it?
You kidding, baby? Sly don't have
nothing to do with no dead men.
No how. No, sir.
You mess with stiffs, you're next.
- You didn't do anything?
- Nothing.
- Except remember the license plate.
- You got the plate off the car that hit him?
Care for another pretzel for the road?
Forget the pretzels.
What was the plate number, Sly?
O-I-L.
B-U-X.
Could you give me that spelling again?
WOMAN ON RADIO: Hassan. H-A-S-S-A-N.
Middle name, Bin. B-I-N.
Last name, Moqta di. That's M-O-Q-T-A-D-I.
Vehicle registration address.
Care of Republic of Zamir. Z-A-M-I-R.
Mission to the United Nations,
647, East 52nd Street.
Okay, I got it. Thank you.
Did you ever hear of a place called Zamir?
It's one of those oil sheikdoms
in the Persian Gulf.
How do you know that?
I do The New York Times
crossword puzzle every morning.
Mary Beth, if that guy is a diplomat,
we can't touch him.
- Well, he didn't have DPL plates.
- Let's nail him. Here.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Feel like I'm in the middle of
The Arabian Nights.
- Too strong?
- Put that stuff in your car, it'll run fast.
I'm Said Jamal,
Deputy Chief of Mission at your service.
Yes, Mr. Jamal. I am Detective Cagney.
This is Detective Lacey.
We're from the 14th Precinct.
We're trying to get in touch with
Hassan bin Moqtadi.
- Please be seated.
- Thank you.
I trust that any inconvenience
that Mr. Moqtadi may have caused
to your city is not of a serious nature.
It's a matter of a couple of parking tickets.
With our diplomatic community,
we prefer to do these things personally
rather than issuing a warrant.
Your hospitality is greatly appreciated.
Is Mr. Moqtadi officially attached
to this mission?
Let us say he is filially attached.
I beg your pardon?
He's the son of our Minister of the Interior,
Sheik Moqtadi bin Amir.
Well, I trust he's enjoying New York City.
The weather's been beautiful.
Anything that Mr. Moqtadi can do
to help you with your duties,
he will be most pleased to perform.
Oh, I'm sure he will.
I don't suppose you know
where we could find him now,
Mr. Jamal, do you?
He generally lunches
between noon and 2:00.
Any particular place?
He has a table reserved
at Le Maquereau Pourri.
- I beg your pardon?
- Le Maquereau Pourri.
Really, Hassan?
- That'd just be so super.
- You know, when you smile,
you have little creases under your eyes
which I find completely irresistible.
To us.
- That's him. Come on, Mary Beth.
- Oh, excuse me.
Would you mind terribly
if I had him come out here?
Oh, we're not dressed properly
or something?
No, we would just prefer
to avoid an incident.
- All right, go ahead.
- I thank you.
- Nice place, huh?
- It's gorgeous.
Yeah.
So what do you figure? 70 bucks for lunch
if we get the house wine?
The house wine costs 70 bucks.
He's not bad-looking.
If you like that type.
Hello, Maurice tells me
you wanted to see me.
Yes, we have information
that a car registered in your name
was involved in an accident, Mr. Moqtadi.
Wondered if you'd come down
to the Precinct to answer a few questions.
Shouldn't take long.
Surely, it can wait till after lunch.
We're on our lunch hour, now, sir.
Certainly. Maurice.
Be so kind as to tell Miss Brandenmeier
to order dessert. I'll be back shortly.
If you ladies don't mind, I'd like to splash
a little water on my hands.
- I'll be right with you.
- Of course.
Oh, no. Thanks, we'll wait out here.
- Looks like a young Omar Sharif.
- He's got crooked teeth.
You know, Christine, you're very critical.
That's your trouble with men.
You want them all to be perfect.
No, I just have a thing about teeth.
When do we tell him the whole story?
In the car.
You think he's onto us?
Maybe.
What's he going to do?
There's only one door to the men's room.
- Window.
- Window.
Have you got a window here
in the men's room?
Wait a second, you can't go in there.
How could you let a thing
like this happen?
Well, there was a window
in the bathroom, sir.
No kidding.
You don't have a window
in your bathroom, huh?
I got a window in my bathroom.
What did you expect us to do?
Go in there with him?
Yeah. A suspect has to go to the can,
you go to the can with him.
- We'll get him, sir.
- You better get him.
Now, go on, get out of here.
Wait a minute. I...
I didn't mean to yell. It's just that...
You know, you blow a collar like this,
it makes us all look bad.
- Yes, sir.
- You know what I mean?
So, you go into the shower
with him next time, if you have to.
Right?
Right, sir.
- He didn't mean to yell.
- Could've fooled me.
- What happened in there?
- Nothing.
- Petrie, absolutely nothing.
- It was a very loud nothing.
La Guardia, do you ever go
into a ladies' room to make a collar?
All the time.
Years ago, when I worked Vice,
the hookers used to run into the john
- at Penn station.
- And you flushed them out, so to speak.
- Come on, Mary Beth, let's get out of here.
- I'm sorry.
We used to go in there like the Marines.
And I tell you,
they'd come at us with everything,
hat pins, umbrellas, whatever they had.
- That was before the Miranda decision.
- I see.
You didn't have to read them their rights.
I remember one day in Queens...
How do they drink this stuff?
It's a ritual of politeness.
Yeah. Well, skipping out
the bathroom window wasn't too polite.
So this time we put cuffs on him.
We are very pleased
to receive you once more.
Mr. Jamal, I'm afraid that this time
is not going to be so pleasant.
We have a warrant for the arrest
of Hassan bin Moqtadi.
Arrest?
He's the primary suspect in a
felony assault and reckless endangerment.
I don't understand.
Mr. Moqtadi's car was identified
leaving the site of an accident
where an elderly man
was very badly injured.
I see.
Well, I shall discuss the matter
with him straightaway.
Mr. Jamal, I don't think that you
understand. We are here to arrest him.
That's quite out of the question.
Look, Mr. Jamal, we were hoping
to do this without creating a scene.
Mr. Moqtadi is not a registered diplomat,
and he has no immunity from arrest.
Yes, but Mr. Moqtadi is a citizen of Zamir,
and you are presently on territory
belonging to the Republic of Zamir.
We're on 1st and 52nd, sir.
The diplomatic status accredited
by your State Department
provides for extraterritorial sovereignty
for our mission.
You have no jurisdiction
within these walls.
And there's a man named Sol Klein
who's lying in a hospital out there
in pretty rough shape
because of Mr. Moqtadi.
That is most regrettable.
I must tell you,
there are many of us who do not approve
of the manner in which Mr. Moqtadi
comports himself.
However, you Americans, of all people,
should be sensitive to the principle
of inviolability of diplomatic legations.
May I remind you
of your country's reaction
when your embassy
was violated in Tehran?
Just a minute, here.
Should you care to pursue the matter,
I would suggest you proceed
through the usual diplomatic channels.
Good day.
I'm not going to put
any uniforms out there.
The only way
we're going to nail this clown
is to get him to make a run for the airport.
You mean,
he can stay there forever if he wants to.
- Well, that's the law.
- Why don't we go in there with tear gas?
Forget tear gas, Isbecki. Why don't we
just drop a neutron bomb on the place?
- Why are you always so sarcastic?
- You bring out the best in me.
Well, if you got a little regular attention
from a real man...
- Hey, don't worry about me, okay?
- SAMUELS: You two, knock it off.
We'll have to stake his place out
around the clock.
Four-hour shifts, detectives only.
I'll make out a schedule.
- I hate stakeouts.
- We'll play gin rummy.
You still owe me $1.46
from the one last December.
- Did you have any plans for tonight?
- No.
Muriel is taking the kids to dinner
and to a movie.
- How's it going with her?
- Oh, it's terrific.
I come home, place is spotless,
dinner is on the table.
It's like having full-time help.
You think she's applying for the job?
- I gotta cancel a date.
- Who's the guy?
Nobody special. His name's Jack Bridell.
Very successful corporate lawyer
with a ski chalet in Vermont,
season tickets to the Lincoln Center
and eyes like Paul Newman.
Not only that, he's not married,
he's not gay, and he's not going through
a mid-life crisis.
Jack Bridell, please.
Chris Cagney.
Yes, I'll hold.
He sounds wonderful, Chris.
I'm sorry that you had to cancel.
Where was he taking you?
This little Northern Italian place
over on 56th.
They make veal you'd kill for.
And then, who knows?
- How's his teeth?
- Perfect.
Hello, Jack.
NEWSCASTER ON TV: Dallas, Los Angeles,
Chicago and Baltimore.
Among the boroughs, Brooklyn ha d
the largest number of homicides,
- although Manhattan ha d the highest...
- Harv, I'm very bored with this program.
- Could I ask you a very serious question?
- Sure.
What do you think of love
in the afternoon?
- You'd rather watch a soap?
- No dear, us.
Muriel's got the kids. We got the house.
I don't have to be back on stakeout
for three hours and 26 minutes,
and I think you're gorgeous.
I think you're sexy.
So, come on, what do you say?
I've been thinking about what Christine
said about my mother,
that she wants to move in here.
You think she's right?
- Probably, yeah.
- There's no room here, she knows that.
Well, you've heard her talk
about helping us
with a down payment on a house
on the island.
So?
So, I think that she comes with the house.
Baby, I couldn't do that to you.
Harv, if you want your mother
to move in with us,
it's okay with me. I like Muriel.
We can make it work out.
Now, you want to continue
this conversation in the bedroom?
- We can't do it.
- Why not? You got a headache?
Come on, baby.
I'm talking about my mother.
Harv, your mother is scared
of being all by herself.
She's feeling old, and she's feeling alone.
That's just the point.
She isn't old. She's 62.
Before my father died, she was a spitfire,
always on the go, lots of friends.
Now, she sits alone all day,
or she comes over here.
- And makes French toast. Yeah.
- Yeah.
What she needs is a life of her own,
not just to be somebody's grandmother.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, would you talk to her?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- But she's your mother.
- Yeah, but you're the woman.
You'll know how to tell her the right way.
Would you do it?
Harvey.
I know you can.
You're good at this kind of stuff.
- Harvey.
- Come on, baby.
I'll make it worth your while.
Oh, Harv, look at that. Look at that.
If you're not guilty of the alleged crime,
then what do you have to fear
by coming forward?
Surely, you understand
the political climate in New York City.
It's hardly a place for me to get a fair trial.
- You mean you want a change of venue?
- Of course.
Might I remind you, I'm an Arab?
The victim of this alleged incident
is a Jew.
New York City has a population
of over one million people
- of Jewish descent.
- Hypocrite, hypocrite.
- He's trying to throw up a smoke screen.
- Who is he?
He's a criminal, that's who he is,
and we're going to nail him,
because he's trying to start
the Arab-Israeli war
all over again on 52nd street.
He's not going to do it, though.
LACEY: I don't believe it. I do not believe it.
- CAGNEY: Some undercover stakeout.
- Yeah.
He did it. He started a war.
- How long has this been going on?
- Since right after the 6:00 news.
These people move fast.
You two might as well go home.
This guy isn't going anyplace
with all these uniforms around here.
I'll think we'll stick around awhile.
Nothing better happening, huh?
- It's a circus.
- It's news.
Yeah? So was the guy in the Texas Tower.
I hate it. What about the victims?
What about the Sol Kleins?
Mary Beth, could you lighten up?
This could be a very long night.
Yeah, and he's gonna be up there
having press conferences and banquets.
Speaking of banquets,
they left us dinner. Here.
You're joking.
I'm gonna take 10 minutes.
- Hiya.
- Hi, Mom. How was the stakeout?
Did you sit in a car and eat cold pizza
and drink beer like Dirty Harry?
We ate pretzels.
- Good morning, Muriel.
- Good morning, dear.
- Grandma's making pancakes.
- So I see. Hey, come on, let me take over.
I don't mind, really.
No, I will make breakfast this morning.
Since when? You only make good stuff
on Saturday and Sunday.
Since right now.
I thought since you were up
so late last night...
That was very thoughtful of you, Muriel.
Though, not too well done, Mom, okay?
- Yeah, with plenty of syrup, right?
- Right.
There's egg salad sandwiches
in the fridge for lunch.
- I made them when I got home last night.
- Oh, Mom.
"Oh, Mom."
They tell me I was hit by a Rolls-Royce.
Not bad, huh?
Well, we know who the driver is,
and we have a witness.
We're just having a tiny legal problem
making the arrest.
Listen, I know all about it.
It's on the news.
If I'd got hit by a Jew,
it would've hurt just as much.
We'll get him, Mr. Klein. I promise you.
I don't understand the big deal.
Look at this.
I get flowers
from people I don't even know.
"Get well, Mr. Klein."
"You're our hero, Mr. Klein."
What kind of hero? I got run over by a car.
- You know what I'd like?
- What?
First, I'd like everybody to leave me alone.
And second, I'd like someone to tell me
how I'm going to pay the hospital bill.
You mean
you don't have medical insurance?
You know how much
that stuff costs these days?
Well, not really, sir.
The department covers us.
You should thank God it does.
At these prices, you have to die
to get your money's worth.
I'm sorry.
Is it true this guy is worth $20 million?
It's what the papers are saying.
You'd think he could afford
to hire a chauffeur.
Cagney. Lacey.
Have a seat.
- Detective Lacey. Detective Cagney.
- Inspector.
Inspector, you wanna fill them in?
It's about this Moqtadi business.
I don't know if you know who he is.
- As far as I can see, he's a spoiled brat.
- And a felon, sir.
Well, he's also the son
of the Minister of the Interior for Zamir.
We know that.
What you might not know is
our country
is in the middle of negotiations
for a long-term oil deal.
Now, the talks
are very sensitive right now.
This doesn't help.
- Well, sir, he ran over...
- Moreover,
this department is being made
to look very bad in the media.
And this is a no-win situation for us.
Excuse me, Inspector.
What, are you saying
we should just drop it?
What I'm saying, Detective, is
the entire situation might be taken
out of our hands very soon.
There are high-level discussions going on
in Washington right now.
- What kind of discussions?
- A deal.
We kick it down to a misdemeanor.
He cops, says, "I'm sorry," and sa yonara.
And where does that leave Sol Klein?
He can try suing Moqtadi.
And chase him to the courts
for six, eight years?
That is, of course,
if he can get him extradited from Zamir.
Look, between you and me,
I don't like letting a felon
cop out to a misdemeanor.
Now, if you can catch him now,
he may get an indictment
before Washington intervenes.
The trick is getting him
out of that mission.
Any suggestions?
Gonna have to keep on watching him.
- Inspector?
- None that'll hold up in front of a judge.
You know what ticks me off, Inspector?
In this guy's country,
you steal a piece of fruit off of a cart,
they cut your hand off.
He comes over here,
he runs over a man, he nearly kills him,
and we can't even touch him.
Mary Beth, we have to spell
Isbecki and Petrie.
Excuse us.
Rangers blew it again in the third period.
Two goals up, there's seven minutes left
to play and they still blow it.
Listen to this, Isbecki.
"In an exclusive interview
with this reporter,
"Mr. Hassan bin Moqtadi
was quoted as saying,
"'I am a political prisoner
under house arrest
"'just like Lech Walesa was in Poland.'"
Can you beat this man for nerve?
If LeClair hadn't cross-checked the guy
right in front of the ref...
I mean, really.
Where were you going
to have dinner tonight?
This little French place
on Columbus Avenue with Vicky.
- Vicky? Is this a new one?
- Yeah.
I met her in a revolving door
outside of Gimbel's.
She's a nude dancer on Canal Street.
How do you find them, Victor?
It's like this radar system inside my mind.
I hear this little blip on a screen,
turn around, and there they are.
You know, they got everything backwards
in those Arab countries.
Sure, it's great to have four or five wives,
but they keep them covered
with veils and stuff.
- It's a custom.
- Yeah, it's stupid.
Victor, we have customs, too.
You wouldn't like it if somebody made fun
of baseball and apple pie.
Who'd make fun of baseball?
It's your discard.
Stop me if I eat one more pretzel.
That's the trouble with stakeouts.
They're fattening.
- What is the knock card?
- Eight.
Meanwhile, he's up there eating caviar.
Yeah, well, it's like Louis XIV, right?
Let 'em eat pretzels.
It was Marie Antoinette.
Look at that.
What, they run out of caviar?
Listen, sooner or later
he's gonna get tired of caviar.
He's gonna want a hot dog or something.
I mean, what is the big deal anyway?
What is it, fish eggs?
It's supposed to be an aphrodisiac.
It's your turn.
No kidding?
Are you speaking from experience?
No, I just read it somewhere.
That was fast.
Mary Beth.
You ever heard of a delivery man
wearing $200 Italian shoes?
Hey, fella.
Hold it right there. Hey!
Hey, hold it!
LACEY: Moqtadi, get back here!
Police! Damn it! Out of the way!
Look out here.
Police.
- Moqtadi!
- Out of the way!
- Out of the way, people.
- Excuse us.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
- On the bus!
- He's here. Take the back.
- Hey! Hey, Hold on!
- Hold it!
Hey, shut it down.
Will you stop the bus? Open the door.
Police. Stop the bus.
Shut it down! Police officers, folks.
- All right, everybody, come on.
- Step off the bus, please.
- One at a time.
- Now!
- Come on. Take it nice and slow.
- Thank you.
- That's it.
- Slow down. Let me see you all.
- Easy, easy.
- One at a time. Thank you very much.
All right. Let's go here. Come on.
Move, lady.
- Thank you. Here we go.
- Easy, easy.
All right.
A bus?
A bus.
This'll be the first time
in the history of this department
that a suspect made a getaway in a bus,
a New York City bus in broad daylight
with officers in hot pursuit.
- He went out the emergency exit.
- "He went out the emergency exit."
And last time he went out
the bathroom window.
Who is this guy? Houdini?
A bus! A bus.
A big, fat, slow bus!
Is he gone?
I'll take the airport.
You take the Harbor Patrol.
Then we can both do the train stations
and the bus stations.
(PHONE RINGING)
14th Squad, Detective Petrie.
- I beg your pardon.
- About six feet tall, 180 pounds.
Dark complexion. He is carrying a passport
from the Republic of Zamir.
- This is Detective Cagney, 14th Squad.
- You have the wrong extension.
Detective Cagney is on 192.
I don't know where it is.
Somewhere in the Persian Gulf.
You don't have to know where it is
in order to pick him up.
Just hold on, sir.
She'll pick up when she's available.
- He looks like Omar Sharif.
- Who?
Except for the teeth.
Yes! Yes, I'll hold.
Just one minute.
I'll tell her you're holding. Yes.
I need some help on a suspect
who is fleeing jurisdiction.
All right, I'll hold.
Moqtadi. M-O-Q-T-A-D-I.
- Chris.
- Just a minute.
And if you get him, cuff him to something
that weighs at least a ton.
There's a call for you on 192.
I can't take it.
I'm up to my bangs here, Petrie.
Yes, I am holding.
I think you want to talk to this man.
- Who is it?
- Hassan bin Moqtadi.
Detective Cagney.
You hold.
Don't be cute, Mr. Moqtadi.
No, I did not enjoy it.
You just added resisting arrest
to the charges.
Where are you?
Back with the caviar, huh?
I'm not in a position to negotiate,
Mr. Moqtadi.
You come down here,
and you turn yourself in,
and we'll see how willing
the District Attorney is...
You think it over.
And the next time you leave
that little château of yours,
you better be wearing sneakers.
Damn it.
Right.
I got your message.
- You wanted to see us?
- Yes, ma'am.
Did you hear the one about the guy
who talked dirty to his plants?
Arrested for making an obscene fern call.
It's cute, Sly. You got something for us?
Come on, Mary Beth. That one was funny.
It was funny.
Oh, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, Sly,
but if I never see another pretzel again
as long as I live,
- it'll be too soon.
- Lady, don't get all bent out of shape now.
This is very humorous here.
You got something for us or not?
What is this?
That is a
putting-me-out-of-business notice.
Some nosy flatfoot says
that I don't have no business license.
Now, I think some corrections are in order.
Do you have a license?
Madam, I am a true believer
in the free enterprise system,
but the worry of all this is affecting
my memory something terrible.
I keep thinking that that guy
that was driving that big car
was a midget, probably bald,
maybe even a brother.
But definitely not an Arab.
See, the worry
is affecting my mind like this.
- We'll do what we can, Sly.
- As soon as you get your license.
- Tomorrow morning.
- Today. Now.
It's a deal.
Oh, can I ask you ladies
something serious?
How do you feel about knishes?
Is this a joke?
Jewish potato pies.
I'm thinking about
diversifying my business.
I've heard that one.
(DOOR OPENING)
Oh, I thought you'd be asleep by now.
- Is it late?
- It's after midnight.
Must be a terrific book.
- Where's Harv?
- Asleep.
Mary Beth, could we talk?
Oh, sure.
I know I've been a burden
on you and Harvey.
- I'm in the way here.
- Not true.
I'll be leaving tomorrow.
What? They finished painting?
They finished three days ago.
The truth is I didn't wanna go back there.
What's wrong, Muriel?
I don't know what to do.
About what?
About my life.
I get up in the morning, make breakfast,
read the newspaper, straighten up.
Then I look at the clock. It's only 10:30.
And I don't know what to do,
so I straighten up some more.
You don't know what it's like
not having anybody to share your life with.
I feel so useless.
- My partner lives alone.
- What does she do?
Well, she works very hard.
Sometimes I think
that's why she's such a good cop,
'cause she has no distractions.
- Is she happy?
- Yeah, I think she is.
She's honest with herself.
- She has things that she loves.
- Like what?
Like Vermont
and sports cars, sushi,
Mozart, men with perfect teeth.
I envy her.
I was married to Charlie for 35 years.
It's so hard to change.
But not impossible.
I don't even know where to start.
How about a job? Or a cause? Or a hobby?
Or a man?
I couldn't take up with another man.
Muriel, I told you four things here,
and the only thing you heard was "man."
That one,
I at least have some experience with.
- But at my age...
- Oh, Muriel, please. You're not an old lady.
You're bright and you're attractive,
and you make perfect French toast.
And Charlie would not want you
sitting around the apartment
straightening up all day, would he?
- You know what I'd do if I were you?
- What?
If I were you,
for openers,
I would sleep in tomorrow morning,
let somebody else make breakfast,
and then I'd go out and explore the city.
I'd go by Queens College
and The New School
and get their extension catalog.
And I'd go to a newsstand,
get Manhattan Magazine,
which has listings of, you know,
concerts and museums.
I mean, Muriel, get the classifieds.
Maybe someone is willing to pay you
to make French toast.
Well, you never know.
And if that didn't work,
then I would buy myself
a new pair of shoes.
That always works for me.
You need to get some sleep. Go on now.
Mary Beth.
Thanks.
For what?
Good night, Muriel.
You know,
maybe we should negotiate with him.
It's a stalemate. He's not coming out.
We can't get in there.
None of this is helping Sol Klein any.
The thought of making a deal
with that guy makes me sick.
But it's done all the time.
Dope peddlers cop to possession.
Hookers cop to loitering.
And lawyers get rich and it stinks.
(HONKING)
- Oh, no. I can't stand him.
- Just...
- Good morning.
- Morning, sir.
Morning.
I'm afraid I have some rough news.
They offered a deal.
100 bucks and a traffic citation.
I don't believe it.
They're calling in the Ambassador
at 4:00 this afternoon.
- CAGNEY: Does Moqtadi know this yet?
- I'm not even supposed to know.
A friend of mine in the State Department
called me this morning.
Sorry. Samuels in?
Yes, sir.
- Mary Beth.
- What?
Moqtadi doesn't know.
So?
I'm pleased you've decided
to reconsider my offer.
Your offer was to negotiate.
Let's negotiate.
- Is the coffee good, Officer Lacey?
- Very good.
In my country,
when you are shopping for a bride
you are invited
to her parents' house for coffee.
It is a little ritual of negotiation.
And when the bride price is presented,
your host will ask you,
"Is the coffee good?"
If you like the terms, you answer,
"Yes, the coffee is good."
That's fascinating, Mr. Moqtadi,
but we have not settled on any terms yet.
I'm quite confident that we will.
After all, the present situation
is not benefiting anyone, is it?
We want Sol Klein taken care of.
She's very direct, isn't she?
Things move a little more quickly
in New York than they do in Zamir.
If we agree
to drop the criminal charges against you,
what are you prepared to do for Mr. Klein?
Perhaps a modest sum to help him out.
How modest?
Shall we say $1,000?
That wouldn't even touch his hospital bill.
You must realize
I am doing this out of a desire
to alleviate a very unpleasant situation.
I've not been convicted of anything.
Oh, you will be, Mr. Moqtadi. Believe me.
Felony, assault, reckless endangerment.
Oh, and let's not forget about
you resisting arrest.
You're facing a prison sentence.
Then I will pay his hospital bill.
And what about the time
that he lost at work?
I'll pay that, too.
And I think that Mr. Klein
is gonna need a month's vacation
after he gets out the hospital.
Nothing elaborate.
Shall we say
$5,000 on top of his expenses?
You drive a very hard bargain.
Not as hard as the District Attorney,
believe me.
So, Mr. Moqtadi,
how do you like the coffee?
A little expensive,
- but satisfactory.
- Good. Let's get going.
I'll write you a check.
Oh, that coffee's gone bad again.
Oh, yeah.
But surely you don't think
I'm going to write a check
drawn on insufficient funds?
The last time
we transacted business together
you ducked out the bathroom window.
So this time, I think all three of us
should go to the bank together
and draw a nice cashier's check
for Sol Klein.
If you insist.
My bank is at 54 and Madison.
It's a pleasure.
- Mary Beth, I just had another idea.
- What is that?
I think Mr. Moqtadi should make
a small donation,
in your own name of course,
to a worthy charity.
You know, what with all the trouble
he's caused the city of New York.
Certainly.
Whatever charity you like, I'll give $500.
Good.
- How about the United Jewish Appeal?
- Very worthy.
After you, sir.
- How did you pull it off?
- We were charming, sir.
You know, he's gonna be furious when
the deal comes down from Washington.
Let him sue us.
You know you should have cleared this
with me first.
Oh, we were going to, sir. Honest.
But you were so busy
with Inspector Marquette and all.
And we were running out of time, sir.
- You know, Lacey, you're full of...
- Coffee, sir. Lot of thick, black coffee.
You know what the word
chutzpah means?
I grew up in New York, sir.
Go on, get outta here, the both of youse.
Mary Beth, your mother-in-law
is waiting to see you.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, we've been chatting.
She's a very nice lady.
- I told you.
- Is Harvey's father as nice as she is?
Well, he was.
He died a couple of years ago.
Oh. Oh, that's too bad.
Listen, do you think
she might be interested in...
Paul, ask her for her number.
You look gorgeous.
Oh, I just wanted to come by
and say thank you again.
- That dress is terrific.
- You really think so?
Absolutely.
It was on sale.
I didn't keep you waiting long, did I?
Oh, no. I was talking
to that nice detective over there.
La Guardia, like the airport.
Like the Mayor. It's a nice name.
Well, I better be going.
Harvey's waiting out in the car.
Oh, Muriel, I got Monday off,
and I'm dying to go
to the Museum of Modern Art
and have lunch.
You wanna come with me?
- Sure, if you want to.
- It's a date. 1:00.
- Yeah, that'll be great. I'll see you then.
- See you.
Bye.
- La Guardia.
- Yeah.
You like French toast?