CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Great 5K Star Race and Boulder Wrap Party: Part 1 - full transcript
Ponch is looking for celebrities to participate in a fundraiser. Jon helps a boy who wants Jon to be his Big Brother.
[CHATTERING]
You.
I think I'll go
change in the car.
Good thinking.
You watch the road.
Okay.
What was that?
[CHATTERING]
You know who that was? Burt
Reynolds. I'm almost positive.
I have a feeling you'll
be seeing a lot of stars.
Pacific Coast Highway's the main
route from the studios to Malibu.
Now that's what you
call "seeing stars."
I've seen that look before.
You're thinking about
the CHP Charity Annual...
You really think I've
forgotten last year's party, Jon?
Down to the wire changes,
temperamental stars...
opening night flop sweat?
Well, remember those
words at the meeting.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
MAN 1: It's okay.
Rear brake check.
Go.
-What's that kid doing here?
MAN 2: Get out of the race!
MAN 3: Hey, kid,
watch your lane.
MAN 4: Watch it!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Could've been your frame.
It's totaled.
Maybe I can save some parts.
Let me see some identification.
He caused all this, officer.
DANE: I was jammed
out of my lane.
You're supposed to hang in
the slow lane, like on freeways.
Look, he was racing out of his
class. You belong in midgets.
Okay, all right.
Get out of here.
Take it easy. Take
it easy, would you?
Hey, uh, where are
your parents, Dane?
I live with my
mom. She's working.
I'll call for a pick up.
Any unit in the
vicinity of PCH, 11-98.
Need for transportation.
Hi. What have you got?
Unsupervised male
juvenile, and a case of nerves.
Dane.
Put your bike in the trunk.
You're going with Officer Clark.
Okay, so I'm busted.
I want a regular cop.
Put your bike in the trunk. Now.
Wipe the oil from your hands
and wait for me in the front.
I'll follow this up and tell
you about it at briefing.
Well, what do you think?
Hope we didn't shake you with that
head-on. Ansgar likes to showboat a little.
That's all right.
Nothing wrong with a little showmanship
when calling attention to a new product.
May I?
It's the most exciting
innovation I've seen in years.
We figured to compete
with it, but the officials...
They said that it gave
us an unfair advantage...
but then we saw the real use.
I mean, this is safe,
cheap transportation...
and we know everybody
likes to ride motorcycles.
Any guy can sit his old lady
and the rug rats in the Sidecar...
- and boogie on down the road.
- Yeah, I can see that.
All right, we'll start
with the patent search...
then I'll line up a
good patent attorney.
Well, aren't you
a patent attorney?
"Patent adviser," the way the
ad reads. I handle the big picture.
The manufacturing, licensing
rights, foreign merchandising.
Now the patent search will
cost you $1500 at the outside.
Is there a problem
with the money?
We hadn't thought about it. I
mean, your ad said free advice.
Exactly.
My free advice is you
pay for a patent search.
All right.
My partner meant that he wasn't
prepared for the cash outlay right now.
I understand that.
What if we bring the
cash, uh, up to your office?
Well, that's fine.
Just don't wait too long. The
delay could cost you guys a fortune.
We'll have the money
to you, say, tomorrow?
I'll be there.
Fifteen-hundred
dollars? Tomorrow?
Everything we got
is tied up in this cycle.
We can get the cash in minutes.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Will you face reality?
We're nothing but a
couple of washed-up racers
with nothing going
for us but this cyclecar.
We had our skins on the line
on tracks all over the country.
Now we do a stunt on the
freeway, and we've got the money.
Who could catch us in this?
One time only, right?
Just once.
[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]
MAN: Hey there.
Can I have your
attention, please?
It's CHP charity time again.
Now, if you'll recall, last year we raised
a lot of money for a very worthy cause.
This year, proceeds will go to
Actors and Others for Animals.
If you're not
familiar with it...
the organization includes some
of Hollywood's biggest names...
who devote a lot
of time and energy...
to furthering the
cause of animal welfare.
Their participation
should be good news...
to the person in charge of
lining up celebrity guests...
a post filled last year
by Frank Poncherello...
who did an excellent
job, by the way.
[ALL CLAPPING]
That's my partner.
Okay, the first thing on
the agenda is the theme.
Anybody have any fresh ideas?
Okay, uh...
Barbecue's an American
institution, right?
Uh, how about a giant cookout?
Yeah, we could get the merchants
to donate all the ingredients.
I'll do the cooking.
And we can stage it on a
blocked-off section of freeway.
Uh, thanks, Artie.
Any other suggestions?
Uh, yeah, sergeant.
How about a CHP rodeo?
My riding club would
let us use the facilities,
and people would
make a lot of donations.
Besides Jon, how many bronc
riders do we have here, hm?
[CHATTERING]
Yeah?
Why don't we show the public a side
of the CHP they've never seen before?
In fact, most of us
have never seen before.
A duty-ready motorcycle
completely disassembled, huh?
I can just see all
the parts strung out.
Pistons, springs, valves.
Gaskets...
Softball game. We
play the civilians.
[CHATTERING]
Now, wait... Wait
a minute. Hold on.
Let's keep in mind what
we're looking for here.
It's got to be timely, something
that everyone would enjoy...
and would pay to see.
I cook a great
kreplach con pollo.
[ALL LAUGHING]
How about a bike-a-thon?
Now that's a good idea.
How would it work, Frank?
Uh, we could
make it a relay race.
Get more riders
involved. Keep it short.
Five, uh, kilometers.
You know, around three miles.
Actually, 5K works
out to 3.106 miles.
Now, that's a great idea, Frank.
Do you think enough people would
be interested in watching us race?
Hey, we get a few celebrities on
bicycles, everyone would be interested.
Ponch, remember last
year? Celebrities, stars, ulcers.
Stars!
With some celebrity officials and
star contestants, we can't miss!
It's the CHP Charity
5K Star Race!
[CHATTERING AND CLAPPING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Just when you think
you've seen everything.
- Get a description of the motorcycle?
- Happened too fast.
A suspect in a sidecar dropped
a few coats and started all this.
Hey, I got a list of the
stolen merchandise.
Three autumn haze car
coats, a beaver jacket.
- What's the one with a question mark?
- Uh, it may be a sale.
They're negotiating.
This coat was left
on the highway.
- Well, so it's got a few miles on it.
- Wear and tear.
You guys can untangle this without
me. I got a lot of paperwork, all right?
[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Hi, I saw you drive up.
I needed some
additional information.
Sure.
The juvenile officer
is talking to my mom...
but come on in.
Cop's here, Mom.
The one that saved my skin.
- Oh, I'm Dane's mother.
- Hi.
I'm so happy to meet you.
Please, won't you come in?
Julie Barris, County
Juvenile Department.
Jon Baker, nice to meet you.
Look, uh, I'm
sorry to interrupt.
Oh, no, not at all.
I want you to know how very grateful
I am for what you did for my son.
- I'm just glad I could be there.
- It was gnarly.
He came in scarfing
up the blacktop...
I'm glad you're here, officer.
Apparently there's
no citation issued?
Oh, right. I cannot be conclusive as
to why he was in the motor traffic lanes.
Well, there's a history of
Dane's behavioral problems.
In the past year, he's tried
to sail to Catalina on a raft.
The Coast Guard found
him after a two-day search.
He was a Stowaway on an
international flight with climbing gear.
Uh, the plan was to
climb Mount Everest.
[DOOR OPENS]
I thought I heard the phone.
Linda, this is Jon Baker.
Linda, dear, go upstairs
and turn off your stereo.
I was just explaining the
Big Brother program to Dane.
Well, how about him?
I'd go along with that.
Well, there's more
to the program...
than selecting someone
you admire, Dane.
I was just asking a question.
We'll discuss it with your mom.
And I'll expect a decision
by the end of the week.
- Uh, if you have any questions, call me.
- Thank you.
JULIE: Mm?
Good bye.
GIRL: If I'm ever on a talk
show, you know what I'll go for?
- A bathroom of your own.
- Right? I'm so sick of washing my hair...
in the kitchen.
Roberta, Chris, uh,
this is Jon Baker.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm so sorry for all the confusion today.
- That's all right.
Come on outside, we can talk.
I just have a few
more questions.
So how'd you end
up in the center lane?
Okay, I'm jamming
along, looking for a move...
And you lost it.
Yeah.
My sister, Wendy.
Have I met all your sisters?
One to go, Carole.
She's at her diet class.
- Need anything else?
- Just your serial number on your bicycle.
I've got it here.
Some place.
Look, Dane, uh...
I want you to tell me something
straight forward, all right?
Why did you ask for
me as a big brother?
Okay.
You know that girl
cop that picked me up?
- Officer Clark.
- That's her.
She brought me in here.
And the lady juvenile officer
called my mom. Get the idea?
Keep going.
You know what they
really call that program?
"The Big Brother,
Big Sister program."
- And with the way my luck's going...
- You'll get a big sister.
That's not the only reason. But
that's what I was thinking when I asked.
- So I blew it.
- Look, Dane.
The Big Brother program is a
carefully supervised situation...
with qualified
volunteers, all right?
Sure.
It's okay.
My, uh, quarter horse club
has a program for youngsters.
- I'll take you if you're interested.
- Really? When?
Soon as I can. I'll call you.
Don't forget!
Don't forget!
I want you to check this
for, uh, final approval.
Wow!
- Looks good.
- Looks great, man.
I highlighted "star."
That's the big draw, right?
- Right, yes.
- That's a great poster, Harlan.
- Okay, goes to the printer's today.
- Terrific.
- Let me take a look.
- The heck am I gonna do?
"Rocks on the Coast Highway."
That's an everyday occurrence.
- Who's the complainant?
- All we got is an address.
You wanna check it out?
Yeah, why not. Maybe
I could use them.
Hey, who you got lined up?
Any real biggies? Superstars?
- We just formed the committee.
- You have stars sandbagged, right? Huh?
Waiting in the wings.
Come on, just give
me a couple names.
Some other time, Grossman, okay?
Gotcha. You don't
wanna dilute the impact.
Right.
Hold out for a big announcement.
That's very professional, Ponch.
Thank you.
See you, Grossie.
[RINGS DOORBELL]
[LOCK CLICKING]
[CHAIN RATTLING]
Well?
Are you Milton Berle?
If I'm not, I'm having a
lot of fun with his wife.
What took you guys so long?
I'd hate to be waiting
inside of a whale.
Now that'd be 3
Coast Guard problem.
Very funny.
Do all you brownies come up
with these snappy one-liners?
Sorry. Uh, the complaint
mentioned a road hazard?
Rocks, from up there. Gone now.
And do you know where they went?
Pfft. Right past here.
But they'll be back. Like the
mud slides, the fires, the smog.
I was a sweet guy
before I moved here.
- Then why do you live here?
- I'm a star.
Where should I live? Oxnard?
Now, look, what about the rocks?
It's a condition that
exists along the highway.
I mean, those
bluffs are unstable.
Good answer, but I'd like
another opinion, please.
Okay. The coastline hasn't changed
much in several thousand years.
Huh, like that?
That one, I liked.
But no more funnies, huh?
Sometimes I get this
feeling, this gut feeling...
that maybe there's someone up
there tossing down rocks just to bug me.
Maybe I got an enemy.
Maybe somebody wants to kill me.
- What do you think?
- Well, it's a definite possibility.
Oh.
- We'll check it out, sir.
- Do that, will you? Thank you very much.
Oh, uh, Mr. Berle?
Yeah?
There's this charity
event I'm working on...
And you want me to appear on it?
- Yeah, would you?
- You got me, kid. I'm yours.
- For a bicycle race.
- A bicycle race?
- Make it touch football and I'll be there.
- You serious?
Only on one condition.
If somebody's out
to get me, find them.
Thank you.
[CHAIN RATTLING]
No one's tossing rocks up here.
Puts you in touch
with nature, huh?
You know, the football game
would be a great ice breaker.
And that beach is perfect.
Spectators can
watch from the sand.
What do you think, Jon?
Punch, it's a bike race.
It's a star race, Jon.
And the football game will
be a great warm-up event.
- And it gives me a star.
- He's your only star?
- Running out of time.
- It seems that way...
up until curtain time.
MAN [ON TV]: The
Turkish-Serbian war.
I have to go to Moscow at once.
I won't let you go, Alexei. I
won't let you go. I won't let you go.
MAN: You see, Anna, this
is why I didn't want to tell you.
It's not fair. It's
not fair. It's not fair!
It's not fair!
It's not fair!
No luck, right?
You know the furs we got have
got numbers tattooed on them?
Right on the pelts,
under the lining?
- How much did you get?
- Five hundred.
Oh.
WOMAN [ON TV]: Planning
your escape. MAN [ON TV]: What?
WOMAN: What else is it?
Do you have to go abroad...?
We need a thousand
more for the patent search.
If you're planning another
freeway heist, deal me out.
This is how we're
gonna wind up, huh?
The hardest racing
cycle team in the country...
on the circuit, anyplace.
That was a long time ago.
We were champions. We
deserve better than this.
- Hey, what...?
- Will you listen to me?
Just listen to my plan.
I got the whole
thing worked out.
You know the flea market
by the Santa Monica Pier?
- Where they have the outdoor sales?
- That's right.
Only this time we'll get something
without numbers that's the same as cash.
Oh?
I'm talking about gold.
Gold?
Real gold.
See who was in that
limo? It's Edie Marshall.
- Was Steve with her?
- I'm not seeing stars, that was Edie.
Dennis, what's causing
this? An accident?
Oh, just beach traffic, Mom.
On hot days like this, the
highway's always jammed.
I wonder if the judge had any idea of the
traffic when he approved this custody plan.
- Mom.
- It's a valid point, honey.
It's dangerous driving you
back and forth through this traffic.
The beach isn't a safe place
for you. Rip tides, body builders...
But I like the beach.
Broken glass? Hm? Sharks?
None of these could
happen in Beverly Hills.
I'm taking you back home, baby.
Dad will be really angry.
Notice how it catches the
light. It's a very fine pattern.
Once in every five years,
I get a chain like this.
Why don't you
feel the weight of it?
- May I?
- Of course.
Excuse me, is all
this stuff solid gold?
Everything on the
table is 14 karat, solid.
- Everything?
- Everything.
- You like this chain?
- Yes, I do. I'll be back.
Really.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
MAN: Watch out! Watch out!
Hey! Hey! Help me!
I've been robbed!
Stop! Stop, thief!
[SIREN WAILING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
LA. 15, 7 Mary 3.
All units in the
Malibu area, we got a
landslide at Pacific Coast
Highway and Sunset.
Request paramedics.
DISPATCHER: LA. 15, Mary 3...
- advising of a landslide...
- You okay?
- At Pacific Coast Highway and Sunset.
- Get away from the landslide. Get back.
Head down! Head
down the highway!
Let's go. Come on,
folks. Down the highway.
Get back off the highway!
Get back! Come on!
Come on, you all right?
Take it down the highway.
[ALARM RINGING]
- Here we go.
- All right, you got it?
You all right?
- Somebody take him over there.
- Get back!
Come on, get out of there! Get out of
there! That thing's gonna go any minute!
No, I think it's over.
Come on, let's find
out if anyone's home.
Hey! Alarm. The place is wired.
I know. There's signs
all over the place.
That slide impact must've
set off all the alarm systems.
They'll reset them
when the highway's clear.
Terrific, now it's
house breaking-in.
- Hey.
- What?
- You know who this house belongs to?
- Who?
A television producer. One
of the biggest in Hollywood.
I've seen his name on
the credits. He's good.
Not great, but good.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh.
[CHATTERING]
[CHUCKLES]
I figured he'd live like this.
Kelly, look at this.
[CHUCKLING]
This note's to his housekeeper.
The guy's in Europe
shooting a picture.
If we play it right, we could
stay here until the road's clear.
Oh.
We've got that gold. It wouldn't be
hard to slip away in all this confusion.
Yeah, how about the cycle?
Well, hide it. Come back later.
It's registered to you. If the
police found it, you'd be in trouble.
Well, I'll report it stolen...
then we're in the clear, right?
- Well?
- When we were building the cycle...
I had to economize on parts.
Picked them up wherever I could.
If they ran a check on
all the serial numbers
Hot parts? You let me register
that cycle with stolen parts on it?
- Which parts?
- The engine...
forks, suspension...
transmission.
I didn't tell you because
I knew you'd worry.
Worry?
Yeah, worry.
What's the big deal?
We can hide out here...
until the highway's
clear and then slip out.
Cash in that gold jewelry...
and get that patent
search going, right?
Huh?
- Okay.
- Good. I'll take care of the cycle...
and you just relax.
Hey...
Will you lay back,
enjoy this joint? Relax.
We're safe for now. Housekeeper
won't be here till Thursday.
Relax.
Relax.
Hot parts.
Yeah, I'll need a
cross-town dump, right?
-And two skips. MAN
[OVER RADIO]: Roger.
BERLE: That was the big
one. That was the big one.
I need to get out of here.
That was the big one.
I got all of my stuff,
all of my stuff. I got...
BAKER: Just relax, sir. It was
a simple landslide, that's all.
You mean they gave
me a second chance?
The engineer's checking it out.
Mr. Rhodes!
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
He'll hear you.
It's nothing really unusual.
Just a case of
sediment adjustment.
What would you call that?
That's really lovely.
You have excellent taste.
He means the boulder.
- Up there.
- Oh. Uh, yeah.
Well, that's, uh...
That's a boulder.
That's, um, probably
part of a rock outcropping.
I'll go up and take a look,
but I wouldn't worry about it.
I wouldn't either if
I lived in Barstow.
That rock cuts loose down the
hi", it rolls right through my sauna...
and then into my
bedroom where I sleep...
and then knocks off my hot
tub on the way to the beach.
Well, no sir. Uh, actually,
that wouldn't happen.
You see, uh, a
boulder that size...
on impact with a highway...
would just explode.
Explode?
Like shrapnel? That's nice.
I'll get a flak jacket
and 3 Buck Rogers hat...
and go through life
waiting for a crash.
Heh. You know, you really
got a great sense of humor.
[RHODES CHUCKLING]
But, look, don't worry about it.
I'll check out the rock, okay?
I'll let you work.
We're closing the highway to
vehicles along the slide area.
Malibu CHP is
covering the north end...
we'll cover this end.
We'll work out a schedule to
cover crowd control and, uh, security.
Some residents will be
leaving till the slide is cleared up.
- How long will it take?
- Clearance? Uh, a few days.
Not sure about that boulder.
Now, we'll put you
in soft uniforms...
walking shoes
and light duty gear.
Like beach control?
Yeah, and 10-speeds, too.
Ten-speeds, as in bicycles?
Roads will be jammed with
clearance crews and equipment.
Either that or afoot beat.
You can hack that,
can't you? Hm?
I can hack it.
Officials expect the Pacific Coast Highway
to be cleared within the next few days...
but they're still not
sure about the boulder.
That giant rock has prompted
a number of area residents...
to evacuate their
beachfront homes.
But some of the people from
around here are refusing to leave.
Among them,
Mr. Television, Milton Berle.
You're definitely not leaving,
is that right, Mr. Berle?
That's the way it is, Felicia.
Now, believe me, I'm
not talking like a big star.
Just an ordinary guy
clinging to his land.
Ninety feet of beachfront.
You see, Feli...
You see, uh, Felicia, I am fighting
for a right that's basic to all Americans.
Which right?
-The right not to have to live under a
boulder. FELICIA: Thank you, Mr. Berle.
BERLE: You're welcome.
FELICIA: Thanks for being with us.
This is Felicia Jeter, reporting
live from beneath the boulder...
on Pacific Coast Highway.
Get that part about people
evacuating the homes along here?
Yeah, so what?
Just thinking.
I can understand how
you feel about bicycles.
A lot of people are
afraid of heights.
Say, I bet you could
play touch football.
You do?
Oh, Linda, you look beautiful.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?
- Hi, this is Jon Baker.
- May I speak to Dane, please?
- Oh, hi. Yeah, just a moment.
It's for you.
- Hello?
- Hello, Dane?
Hi, Jon.
I suppose you heard
about the coast landslide?
I was a little worried. You guys
are in there with stuff like that.
That's why I'm calling. We'll be patrolling
the slide area until the road's clear.
Guess I'm gonna have to
cancel that riding lesson until later.
I understand. It's your job.
Let me know when
you have the time.
- Okay, I will. Talk to you later.
- All right, bye.
Believe me, there are some
things people never forget.
A few minutes on a bicycle,
and it'll all come back.
Okay, see you there.
[English - us - SDH]
You.
I think I'll go
change in the car.
Good thinking.
You watch the road.
Okay.
What was that?
[CHATTERING]
You know who that was? Burt
Reynolds. I'm almost positive.
I have a feeling you'll
be seeing a lot of stars.
Pacific Coast Highway's the main
route from the studios to Malibu.
Now that's what you
call "seeing stars."
I've seen that look before.
You're thinking about
the CHP Charity Annual...
You really think I've
forgotten last year's party, Jon?
Down to the wire changes,
temperamental stars...
opening night flop sweat?
Well, remember those
words at the meeting.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
MAN 1: It's okay.
Rear brake check.
Go.
-What's that kid doing here?
MAN 2: Get out of the race!
MAN 3: Hey, kid,
watch your lane.
MAN 4: Watch it!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Could've been your frame.
It's totaled.
Maybe I can save some parts.
Let me see some identification.
He caused all this, officer.
DANE: I was jammed
out of my lane.
You're supposed to hang in
the slow lane, like on freeways.
Look, he was racing out of his
class. You belong in midgets.
Okay, all right.
Get out of here.
Take it easy. Take
it easy, would you?
Hey, uh, where are
your parents, Dane?
I live with my
mom. She's working.
I'll call for a pick up.
Any unit in the
vicinity of PCH, 11-98.
Need for transportation.
Hi. What have you got?
Unsupervised male
juvenile, and a case of nerves.
Dane.
Put your bike in the trunk.
You're going with Officer Clark.
Okay, so I'm busted.
I want a regular cop.
Put your bike in the trunk. Now.
Wipe the oil from your hands
and wait for me in the front.
I'll follow this up and tell
you about it at briefing.
Well, what do you think?
Hope we didn't shake you with that
head-on. Ansgar likes to showboat a little.
That's all right.
Nothing wrong with a little showmanship
when calling attention to a new product.
May I?
It's the most exciting
innovation I've seen in years.
We figured to compete
with it, but the officials...
They said that it gave
us an unfair advantage...
but then we saw the real use.
I mean, this is safe,
cheap transportation...
and we know everybody
likes to ride motorcycles.
Any guy can sit his old lady
and the rug rats in the Sidecar...
- and boogie on down the road.
- Yeah, I can see that.
All right, we'll start
with the patent search...
then I'll line up a
good patent attorney.
Well, aren't you
a patent attorney?
"Patent adviser," the way the
ad reads. I handle the big picture.
The manufacturing, licensing
rights, foreign merchandising.
Now the patent search will
cost you $1500 at the outside.
Is there a problem
with the money?
We hadn't thought about it. I
mean, your ad said free advice.
Exactly.
My free advice is you
pay for a patent search.
All right.
My partner meant that he wasn't
prepared for the cash outlay right now.
I understand that.
What if we bring the
cash, uh, up to your office?
Well, that's fine.
Just don't wait too long. The
delay could cost you guys a fortune.
We'll have the money
to you, say, tomorrow?
I'll be there.
Fifteen-hundred
dollars? Tomorrow?
Everything we got
is tied up in this cycle.
We can get the cash in minutes.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Will you face reality?
We're nothing but a
couple of washed-up racers
with nothing going
for us but this cyclecar.
We had our skins on the line
on tracks all over the country.
Now we do a stunt on the
freeway, and we've got the money.
Who could catch us in this?
One time only, right?
Just once.
[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]
MAN: Hey there.
Can I have your
attention, please?
It's CHP charity time again.
Now, if you'll recall, last year we raised
a lot of money for a very worthy cause.
This year, proceeds will go to
Actors and Others for Animals.
If you're not
familiar with it...
the organization includes some
of Hollywood's biggest names...
who devote a lot
of time and energy...
to furthering the
cause of animal welfare.
Their participation
should be good news...
to the person in charge of
lining up celebrity guests...
a post filled last year
by Frank Poncherello...
who did an excellent
job, by the way.
[ALL CLAPPING]
That's my partner.
Okay, the first thing on
the agenda is the theme.
Anybody have any fresh ideas?
Okay, uh...
Barbecue's an American
institution, right?
Uh, how about a giant cookout?
Yeah, we could get the merchants
to donate all the ingredients.
I'll do the cooking.
And we can stage it on a
blocked-off section of freeway.
Uh, thanks, Artie.
Any other suggestions?
Uh, yeah, sergeant.
How about a CHP rodeo?
My riding club would
let us use the facilities,
and people would
make a lot of donations.
Besides Jon, how many bronc
riders do we have here, hm?
[CHATTERING]
Yeah?
Why don't we show the public a side
of the CHP they've never seen before?
In fact, most of us
have never seen before.
A duty-ready motorcycle
completely disassembled, huh?
I can just see all
the parts strung out.
Pistons, springs, valves.
Gaskets...
Softball game. We
play the civilians.
[CHATTERING]
Now, wait... Wait
a minute. Hold on.
Let's keep in mind what
we're looking for here.
It's got to be timely, something
that everyone would enjoy...
and would pay to see.
I cook a great
kreplach con pollo.
[ALL LAUGHING]
How about a bike-a-thon?
Now that's a good idea.
How would it work, Frank?
Uh, we could
make it a relay race.
Get more riders
involved. Keep it short.
Five, uh, kilometers.
You know, around three miles.
Actually, 5K works
out to 3.106 miles.
Now, that's a great idea, Frank.
Do you think enough people would
be interested in watching us race?
Hey, we get a few celebrities on
bicycles, everyone would be interested.
Ponch, remember last
year? Celebrities, stars, ulcers.
Stars!
With some celebrity officials and
star contestants, we can't miss!
It's the CHP Charity
5K Star Race!
[CHATTERING AND CLAPPING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Just when you think
you've seen everything.
- Get a description of the motorcycle?
- Happened too fast.
A suspect in a sidecar dropped
a few coats and started all this.
Hey, I got a list of the
stolen merchandise.
Three autumn haze car
coats, a beaver jacket.
- What's the one with a question mark?
- Uh, it may be a sale.
They're negotiating.
This coat was left
on the highway.
- Well, so it's got a few miles on it.
- Wear and tear.
You guys can untangle this without
me. I got a lot of paperwork, all right?
[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Hi, I saw you drive up.
I needed some
additional information.
Sure.
The juvenile officer
is talking to my mom...
but come on in.
Cop's here, Mom.
The one that saved my skin.
- Oh, I'm Dane's mother.
- Hi.
I'm so happy to meet you.
Please, won't you come in?
Julie Barris, County
Juvenile Department.
Jon Baker, nice to meet you.
Look, uh, I'm
sorry to interrupt.
Oh, no, not at all.
I want you to know how very grateful
I am for what you did for my son.
- I'm just glad I could be there.
- It was gnarly.
He came in scarfing
up the blacktop...
I'm glad you're here, officer.
Apparently there's
no citation issued?
Oh, right. I cannot be conclusive as
to why he was in the motor traffic lanes.
Well, there's a history of
Dane's behavioral problems.
In the past year, he's tried
to sail to Catalina on a raft.
The Coast Guard found
him after a two-day search.
He was a Stowaway on an
international flight with climbing gear.
Uh, the plan was to
climb Mount Everest.
[DOOR OPENS]
I thought I heard the phone.
Linda, this is Jon Baker.
Linda, dear, go upstairs
and turn off your stereo.
I was just explaining the
Big Brother program to Dane.
Well, how about him?
I'd go along with that.
Well, there's more
to the program...
than selecting someone
you admire, Dane.
I was just asking a question.
We'll discuss it with your mom.
And I'll expect a decision
by the end of the week.
- Uh, if you have any questions, call me.
- Thank you.
JULIE: Mm?
Good bye.
GIRL: If I'm ever on a talk
show, you know what I'll go for?
- A bathroom of your own.
- Right? I'm so sick of washing my hair...
in the kitchen.
Roberta, Chris, uh,
this is Jon Baker.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm so sorry for all the confusion today.
- That's all right.
Come on outside, we can talk.
I just have a few
more questions.
So how'd you end
up in the center lane?
Okay, I'm jamming
along, looking for a move...
And you lost it.
Yeah.
My sister, Wendy.
Have I met all your sisters?
One to go, Carole.
She's at her diet class.
- Need anything else?
- Just your serial number on your bicycle.
I've got it here.
Some place.
Look, Dane, uh...
I want you to tell me something
straight forward, all right?
Why did you ask for
me as a big brother?
Okay.
You know that girl
cop that picked me up?
- Officer Clark.
- That's her.
She brought me in here.
And the lady juvenile officer
called my mom. Get the idea?
Keep going.
You know what they
really call that program?
"The Big Brother,
Big Sister program."
- And with the way my luck's going...
- You'll get a big sister.
That's not the only reason. But
that's what I was thinking when I asked.
- So I blew it.
- Look, Dane.
The Big Brother program is a
carefully supervised situation...
with qualified
volunteers, all right?
Sure.
It's okay.
My, uh, quarter horse club
has a program for youngsters.
- I'll take you if you're interested.
- Really? When?
Soon as I can. I'll call you.
Don't forget!
Don't forget!
I want you to check this
for, uh, final approval.
Wow!
- Looks good.
- Looks great, man.
I highlighted "star."
That's the big draw, right?
- Right, yes.
- That's a great poster, Harlan.
- Okay, goes to the printer's today.
- Terrific.
- Let me take a look.
- The heck am I gonna do?
"Rocks on the Coast Highway."
That's an everyday occurrence.
- Who's the complainant?
- All we got is an address.
You wanna check it out?
Yeah, why not. Maybe
I could use them.
Hey, who you got lined up?
Any real biggies? Superstars?
- We just formed the committee.
- You have stars sandbagged, right? Huh?
Waiting in the wings.
Come on, just give
me a couple names.
Some other time, Grossman, okay?
Gotcha. You don't
wanna dilute the impact.
Right.
Hold out for a big announcement.
That's very professional, Ponch.
Thank you.
See you, Grossie.
[RINGS DOORBELL]
[LOCK CLICKING]
[CHAIN RATTLING]
Well?
Are you Milton Berle?
If I'm not, I'm having a
lot of fun with his wife.
What took you guys so long?
I'd hate to be waiting
inside of a whale.
Now that'd be 3
Coast Guard problem.
Very funny.
Do all you brownies come up
with these snappy one-liners?
Sorry. Uh, the complaint
mentioned a road hazard?
Rocks, from up there. Gone now.
And do you know where they went?
Pfft. Right past here.
But they'll be back. Like the
mud slides, the fires, the smog.
I was a sweet guy
before I moved here.
- Then why do you live here?
- I'm a star.
Where should I live? Oxnard?
Now, look, what about the rocks?
It's a condition that
exists along the highway.
I mean, those
bluffs are unstable.
Good answer, but I'd like
another opinion, please.
Okay. The coastline hasn't changed
much in several thousand years.
Huh, like that?
That one, I liked.
But no more funnies, huh?
Sometimes I get this
feeling, this gut feeling...
that maybe there's someone up
there tossing down rocks just to bug me.
Maybe I got an enemy.
Maybe somebody wants to kill me.
- What do you think?
- Well, it's a definite possibility.
Oh.
- We'll check it out, sir.
- Do that, will you? Thank you very much.
Oh, uh, Mr. Berle?
Yeah?
There's this charity
event I'm working on...
And you want me to appear on it?
- Yeah, would you?
- You got me, kid. I'm yours.
- For a bicycle race.
- A bicycle race?
- Make it touch football and I'll be there.
- You serious?
Only on one condition.
If somebody's out
to get me, find them.
Thank you.
[CHAIN RATTLING]
No one's tossing rocks up here.
Puts you in touch
with nature, huh?
You know, the football game
would be a great ice breaker.
And that beach is perfect.
Spectators can
watch from the sand.
What do you think, Jon?
Punch, it's a bike race.
It's a star race, Jon.
And the football game will
be a great warm-up event.
- And it gives me a star.
- He's your only star?
- Running out of time.
- It seems that way...
up until curtain time.
MAN [ON TV]: The
Turkish-Serbian war.
I have to go to Moscow at once.
I won't let you go, Alexei. I
won't let you go. I won't let you go.
MAN: You see, Anna, this
is why I didn't want to tell you.
It's not fair. It's
not fair. It's not fair!
It's not fair!
It's not fair!
No luck, right?
You know the furs we got have
got numbers tattooed on them?
Right on the pelts,
under the lining?
- How much did you get?
- Five hundred.
Oh.
WOMAN [ON TV]: Planning
your escape. MAN [ON TV]: What?
WOMAN: What else is it?
Do you have to go abroad...?
We need a thousand
more for the patent search.
If you're planning another
freeway heist, deal me out.
This is how we're
gonna wind up, huh?
The hardest racing
cycle team in the country...
on the circuit, anyplace.
That was a long time ago.
We were champions. We
deserve better than this.
- Hey, what...?
- Will you listen to me?
Just listen to my plan.
I got the whole
thing worked out.
You know the flea market
by the Santa Monica Pier?
- Where they have the outdoor sales?
- That's right.
Only this time we'll get something
without numbers that's the same as cash.
Oh?
I'm talking about gold.
Gold?
Real gold.
See who was in that
limo? It's Edie Marshall.
- Was Steve with her?
- I'm not seeing stars, that was Edie.
Dennis, what's causing
this? An accident?
Oh, just beach traffic, Mom.
On hot days like this, the
highway's always jammed.
I wonder if the judge had any idea of the
traffic when he approved this custody plan.
- Mom.
- It's a valid point, honey.
It's dangerous driving you
back and forth through this traffic.
The beach isn't a safe place
for you. Rip tides, body builders...
But I like the beach.
Broken glass? Hm? Sharks?
None of these could
happen in Beverly Hills.
I'm taking you back home, baby.
Dad will be really angry.
Notice how it catches the
light. It's a very fine pattern.
Once in every five years,
I get a chain like this.
Why don't you
feel the weight of it?
- May I?
- Of course.
Excuse me, is all
this stuff solid gold?
Everything on the
table is 14 karat, solid.
- Everything?
- Everything.
- You like this chain?
- Yes, I do. I'll be back.
Really.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
MAN: Watch out! Watch out!
Hey! Hey! Help me!
I've been robbed!
Stop! Stop, thief!
[SIREN WAILING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
LA. 15, 7 Mary 3.
All units in the
Malibu area, we got a
landslide at Pacific Coast
Highway and Sunset.
Request paramedics.
DISPATCHER: LA. 15, Mary 3...
- advising of a landslide...
- You okay?
- At Pacific Coast Highway and Sunset.
- Get away from the landslide. Get back.
Head down! Head
down the highway!
Let's go. Come on,
folks. Down the highway.
Get back off the highway!
Get back! Come on!
Come on, you all right?
Take it down the highway.
[ALARM RINGING]
- Here we go.
- All right, you got it?
You all right?
- Somebody take him over there.
- Get back!
Come on, get out of there! Get out of
there! That thing's gonna go any minute!
No, I think it's over.
Come on, let's find
out if anyone's home.
Hey! Alarm. The place is wired.
I know. There's signs
all over the place.
That slide impact must've
set off all the alarm systems.
They'll reset them
when the highway's clear.
Terrific, now it's
house breaking-in.
- Hey.
- What?
- You know who this house belongs to?
- Who?
A television producer. One
of the biggest in Hollywood.
I've seen his name on
the credits. He's good.
Not great, but good.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh.
[CHATTERING]
[CHUCKLES]
I figured he'd live like this.
Kelly, look at this.
[CHUCKLING]
This note's to his housekeeper.
The guy's in Europe
shooting a picture.
If we play it right, we could
stay here until the road's clear.
Oh.
We've got that gold. It wouldn't be
hard to slip away in all this confusion.
Yeah, how about the cycle?
Well, hide it. Come back later.
It's registered to you. If the
police found it, you'd be in trouble.
Well, I'll report it stolen...
then we're in the clear, right?
- Well?
- When we were building the cycle...
I had to economize on parts.
Picked them up wherever I could.
If they ran a check on
all the serial numbers
Hot parts? You let me register
that cycle with stolen parts on it?
- Which parts?
- The engine...
forks, suspension...
transmission.
I didn't tell you because
I knew you'd worry.
Worry?
Yeah, worry.
What's the big deal?
We can hide out here...
until the highway's
clear and then slip out.
Cash in that gold jewelry...
and get that patent
search going, right?
Huh?
- Okay.
- Good. I'll take care of the cycle...
and you just relax.
Hey...
Will you lay back,
enjoy this joint? Relax.
We're safe for now. Housekeeper
won't be here till Thursday.
Relax.
Relax.
Hot parts.
Yeah, I'll need a
cross-town dump, right?
-And two skips. MAN
[OVER RADIO]: Roger.
BERLE: That was the big
one. That was the big one.
I need to get out of here.
That was the big one.
I got all of my stuff,
all of my stuff. I got...
BAKER: Just relax, sir. It was
a simple landslide, that's all.
You mean they gave
me a second chance?
The engineer's checking it out.
Mr. Rhodes!
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
He'll hear you.
It's nothing really unusual.
Just a case of
sediment adjustment.
What would you call that?
That's really lovely.
You have excellent taste.
He means the boulder.
- Up there.
- Oh. Uh, yeah.
Well, that's, uh...
That's a boulder.
That's, um, probably
part of a rock outcropping.
I'll go up and take a look,
but I wouldn't worry about it.
I wouldn't either if
I lived in Barstow.
That rock cuts loose down the
hi", it rolls right through my sauna...
and then into my
bedroom where I sleep...
and then knocks off my hot
tub on the way to the beach.
Well, no sir. Uh, actually,
that wouldn't happen.
You see, uh, a
boulder that size...
on impact with a highway...
would just explode.
Explode?
Like shrapnel? That's nice.
I'll get a flak jacket
and 3 Buck Rogers hat...
and go through life
waiting for a crash.
Heh. You know, you really
got a great sense of humor.
[RHODES CHUCKLING]
But, look, don't worry about it.
I'll check out the rock, okay?
I'll let you work.
We're closing the highway to
vehicles along the slide area.
Malibu CHP is
covering the north end...
we'll cover this end.
We'll work out a schedule to
cover crowd control and, uh, security.
Some residents will be
leaving till the slide is cleared up.
- How long will it take?
- Clearance? Uh, a few days.
Not sure about that boulder.
Now, we'll put you
in soft uniforms...
walking shoes
and light duty gear.
Like beach control?
Yeah, and 10-speeds, too.
Ten-speeds, as in bicycles?
Roads will be jammed with
clearance crews and equipment.
Either that or afoot beat.
You can hack that,
can't you? Hm?
I can hack it.
Officials expect the Pacific Coast Highway
to be cleared within the next few days...
but they're still not
sure about the boulder.
That giant rock has prompted
a number of area residents...
to evacuate their
beachfront homes.
But some of the people from
around here are refusing to leave.
Among them,
Mr. Television, Milton Berle.
You're definitely not leaving,
is that right, Mr. Berle?
That's the way it is, Felicia.
Now, believe me, I'm
not talking like a big star.
Just an ordinary guy
clinging to his land.
Ninety feet of beachfront.
You see, Feli...
You see, uh, Felicia, I am fighting
for a right that's basic to all Americans.
Which right?
-The right not to have to live under a
boulder. FELICIA: Thank you, Mr. Berle.
BERLE: You're welcome.
FELICIA: Thanks for being with us.
This is Felicia Jeter, reporting
live from beneath the boulder...
on Pacific Coast Highway.
Get that part about people
evacuating the homes along here?
Yeah, so what?
Just thinking.
I can understand how
you feel about bicycles.
A lot of people are
afraid of heights.
Say, I bet you could
play touch football.
You do?
Oh, Linda, you look beautiful.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?
- Hi, this is Jon Baker.
- May I speak to Dane, please?
- Oh, hi. Yeah, just a moment.
It's for you.
- Hello?
- Hello, Dane?
Hi, Jon.
I suppose you heard
about the coast landslide?
I was a little worried. You guys
are in there with stuff like that.
That's why I'm calling. We'll be patrolling
the slide area until the road's clear.
Guess I'm gonna have to
cancel that riding lesson until later.
I understand. It's your job.
Let me know when
you have the time.
- Okay, I will. Talk to you later.
- All right, bye.
Believe me, there are some
things people never forget.
A few minutes on a bicycle,
and it'll all come back.
Okay, see you there.
[English - us - SDH]