CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 4, Episode 12 - Home Fires Burning - full transcript

Arsonists are setting fires to RVs in an insurance scam.

Come on, Bar, we
don't wanna be left out.

If this is Grossman's
idea, maybe we do.

Hey, what's the name
of that team? King...

King Charles Troupe
from the East Coast.

Sounds more like a rock group.
You sure they play basketball?

- Hey there, Bonnie.
- Hey, mama.

According to our self-appointed
coach, they're pretty good.

- I was afraid of that.
- What's wrong? Don't you like competition?

It's just that every time we get
involved in some charity game.

Basketball, softball, whatever.

- We get wiped out.
- Not this one, this is special.



It's exhibition game for
underprivileged children.

It's gonna be fun
even if we do get beat.

Yeah, well, in the meantime...

I'm developing a
wipeout complex.

Be careful. For the first time,
you're gonna become humble.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[GROSSMAN BLOWS WHISTLE]

At ease!

HARLAN: Wait...
- One at a time.

I don't take shorthand, and
you people are confusing me.

Yeah, that's telling
them, coach. Ha, ha.

I know what he better be telling me. This
is a coed basketball team, right, Grossie?

-Well, Grossie?
GROSSMAN: As your coach...

I intend to be
scrupulously fair, okay?



Now, no lineup decisions will
be made until after the practice.

You'll be informed
of the time and place.

For the moment,
that's all I have.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

I'll play the right
side, top of the key.

You know what? I think
that I will go out for prone.

I beg your pardon?

It's my best position.

Wait a minute, I
recognize that look.

Now, what great idea is churning
in that fertile mind of yours?

If it works, exhibition
or no exhibition,

there'll be no wipeout
on the basketball court.

We'll be forever grateful.

Yeah, well, just one thing.

You're gonna have to
get along without me.

Well, I'll muddle through.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[CAR HORN HONKS
AND TIRES SQUEALING]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Wanna move the car
off the road, please?

Come on, move it, would you?

And ruin a
hundred-dollar radial?

No thanks. I'll
change it right here.

Which would you rather buy?
A new tire or a cemetery plot?

Come on, move your car
or I'm gonna have it moved.

Hold those up, Grossie.

All right.

Oh. What are we gonna
do now? Find another road?

What's wrong with this one?

Hey, those are cops.

The sooner they find
our burnt offering...

the sooner we get paid.

Right. Just don't
get too brave, huh?

Andrew.

Trust me.

Since you guys are so concerned,
how about grabbing a lug wrench?

I've got a basketball
game tonight.

Gotta save my arm.

If you like, we'll call
for some assistance.

Give some guy 15 bucks
for slapping on a spare?

Forget it.

Suit yourself.

But... be careful
out here, would you?

Did Ponch ever tell you he just
missed making All-City in high school?

Yeah, the day we met. We shook
hands, and five minutes later, he told me.

Took him that long, huh?

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SCREAMING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Come on, let's go.

Let's go. Get it going. Hold on.

Anybody there? Hold it.

Do you smell what I smell?

[GETRAER GRUNTS]

Whoever torched that thing had
gasoline to blow up a battleship.

At least there wasn't anybody
in it. We can be thankful for that.

An arsonist with a conscience?

Heh. There's no such animal.

Hey, I wonder if that
kid there saw anything.

Well, you're never gonna find
out unless you ask him, are you?

Come on, Grossie.

Hey.

You see that, Frank?

What have I been telling you? See
what can happen when you buy a trailer?

- You're not being fair, Muriel.
- Fair, schmair.

I didn't buy this mess that we're
dragging along behind us, you did.

You know, it's not the
trailer you're sore at.

What you're really
sore about is that...

for once, I'm gonna get to do
what I wanna do on my vacation.

- I'm gonna get to go fishing.
- Yeah...

where there's no
motels, no restaurants.

No souvenir shops.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, I'm gonna get to
save a fortune. Ha-ha-ha.

I hate you, Frank.

I really do.

[FRANK CONTINUES LAUGHING]

I suppose at one time, Ponch
was the best kite flyer in East L.A.

To hear Ponch tell it, he
wasn't second-best at anything.

Ha, ha. I hear
what you're saying.

Hi there, son. You got a minute?

It was two guys in a blue van.

I was gonna come over as
soon as I got my kite down.

Two sticks, some
string, the sports page.

That's the kind I used to make.

Wanna try it?

Fantastic.

As you were saying?

It's two guys
stopped over there.

They unhooked
their trailer and split.

A couple seconds later, wham-o.

What more can I tell you?

BAKER: I'm gonna
need your name...

and address, all
right? BOY: Sure.

Oh, no.

- You were pulling too hard.
- I was?

Maybe I can arrange for Ponch
to give you kite flying lessons.

Hey, I'm sorry.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I think five bucks for a homemade
kite is kind of steep, don't you think?

It took you all day to
figure that out, huh?

Hold this for me, would you?

HARLAN: All right, top that. CLARK:
Oh. Okay, okay, okay. Come on.

Hey, you're late.

A fine coach you
turned out to be.

I didn't invent paperwork.

- You bigshots did.
- That's telling him, Grossie.

Hey, before I put you guys to
shame with a basketball, let me guess.

That barbecued trailer this
morning was stolen, right?

How many of these brilliant
deductions has he come up with today?

Let's see, I think I
lost count at noon.

One other thing, I bet the owner
and the thieves were in cahoots.

Insurance rip-off.

RVs that people can no longer afford to
gas up, pull around, or make payments on.

At least, we got a
description of the van.

Yeah, it cost me five bucks.

- Hey. I hear you had a busy day.
- Yeah, I missed you. Have a nice vacation?

Busy, busy, busy.

He's up to something
sneaky, I can feel it.

Oh, come on,
coach. You'll love it.

Let's get with it, huh?

[GROSSMAN BLOWS WHISTLE]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ALL WHOOPING THEN
GROSSMAN BLOWS WHISTLE]

We're gonna warm
up for five minutes.

Now, remember, this is a tryout.

- So, I'm gonna be watching, all right?
- All right.

Let's go.

PONCH: Hey.

- That's your guy, Ponch.
- We're in trouble.

They're good.

What do you think, Turner?

Well, they're black
but not too tall.

[ALL LAUGH]

BARICZA: Let's go. Whoo!

The portable TV
belongs to my wife.

Everything else
goes with the unit.

It's hard to believe you're
asking little for equity.

- Why is that?
- Write-off.

I'm a building contractor.

Oh, I get it. What Uncle Sam
doesn't know doesn't hurt him, right?

When I know you better,
I'll give you the answer.

- How much is it insured for?
- Twenty grand.

I wouldn't advise
you to carry any less.

And you owe the bank how much?

Ten thousand and change.

Give me the down,
take over the payments...

and she's all yours.

Here.

Give me a call.

I just might do that.

- Thank you for your time, Mr. Evans.
- My pleasure.

Andrew.

Oh, Mr. Porwell, got a second?

Guy's got thief written all over
him. Why are we taking off?

I would prefer that night watchman
not to get a closer look at us.

That old boozer?

What difference does it make?

Probably none.

But why take a chance?

Are we kissing off the
better part of ten grand?

I bet you two bits we picked
up a nail in that motel parking lot.

- I don't know why I ever listen to you.
- We can be at the lake before dark.

Change the tire
and let's get going.

- Change what tire? I don't have a spare.
- What do you mean?

It's in the truck.

On top of my white suitcase.

No, honey. Look.

That tire's for
the pickup truck.

I never thought I was gonna
need a spare for the trailer.

That was a brand-new
hunk of rubber.

Frank, how you figure to
outsmart a trout is far beyond me.

It's dangerous here. Look,
would you get back in the truck?

Are you crazy? It's gotta
be 110 degrees in there.

All right, don't get in the truck.
Walk here on the shoulder.

- We don't need any more trouble.
- What are you gonna do, make a spare tire?

I tell you what, I'll go to that
house over there, call a garage...

or a filling station. Now,
do like I told you. Please.

Frank, no!

[CAR HORN HONKING
AND TIRES SQUEALING]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

[FRANK GRUNTS]

I didn't hit him.

He fell.

Are you all right?
Let's have a look at you.

I'm fine, fine. I just stumbled.

Help me up, will you?

[GRUNTS]

Incredible.

He ran just in front of me.

Is that true, mister?

Yeah.

Holy mackerel.

What a mess.

You hurt? Don't move,
just stay where you are.

No way, man. Get me out of here.

Oh, Frank. I've never been
so frightened in my whole life.

Me too. That makes two of us.

When I heard those brakes
and saw you fall, oh, Frank.

Honey, I'm all right.
All I did was hurt my leg.

- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.

Oh. Look on the bright side.

The truck and the trailer
are a complete wipeout.

- Yeah.
- But everybody's up and around all right.

Thank the Lord. That is the best
news I've heard since we left Indiana.

- Are you folks on vacation?
- Yes, sir.

So far, it has been
a laugh a minute.

Don't start. I'm gonna hear
this the next hundred years.

You can count on it, mister.

I'll probably get sued by
everybody for a half a mile around.

-Well, that wouldn't surprise me.
MURIEL: You hear that? Do you hear that?

All because you couldn't go
fishing without that stupid trailer.

The next time, I'll just
send my wife to the phone.

Can I have your
driver's license?

Oh, it's in the trailer.

MAN: Let's go.

All right, it's clear.

Bring these cars up, let's go.

A lot of people are sore at you, so I
suggest you contact your insurance agent...

and tell him the story
as soon as possible.

And keep him informed
of your whereabouts.

We will. Oh, and guys, thanks
a lot. You've been wonderful.

Do you like fish? We'll drop
some off for you on our way home.

See what I mean?
Nothing ever changes.

Have a nice vacation.

Thanks.

MAN: Let me get this straight.

For 2000 bucks, 10
percent of my insurance...

you guys will burn my
motorhome to the ground?

Is that the proposition?

Nothing in advance.

Thank you.

When the insurance
pays you, you pay us.

You mean... If it pays.

Granted, these things
are always investigated.

Sooner or later, however...

unless they can prove
you were involved...

the insurance
company must pay you.

That way, you settle with the bank
first. You got a bundle of money left over.

It beats that tax write-off you
were talking about, doesn't it?

I'd be lying if I said
I wasn't tempted.

But what you're
proposing is a crime.

And I'm not a criminal.

You say you're a
contractor, Mr. Evans.

I build houses. Good ones.
Look around the neighborhood.

You ever cheat on
your income tax?

Inflate your business expenses?

Your gasoline costs?

Your tool purchases?

Ever put shop-grade plywood on somebody's
roof, charge them for grade-A lumber?

- Oh, come on. How could you compare...?
- Have you ever been to court, Mr. Evans?

As a witness, perhaps?

One time, in a civil suit.

I testified for a
friend of mine.

On the witness stand, did
you fib for this friend of yours?

What do you think? He was
suing the phone company.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Spoken like a true American.

How can you compare
piddling stuff like that...

with ripping off an
insurance company...

for 20,000 bucks?

Look, you're missing the point.

If you're gonna lie
and cheat, you...

might as well be honest
about it and make it pay.

I don't know.

I don't know.

You guys are confusing me.

Mr. Evans.

So far...

you have confessed
to theft, fraud...

giving perjured testimony,
and falsifying a tax return.

Have I overlooked anything?

Heh. No, that about covers it.

To my way of thinking, sir...

with your record, I find it difficult
to understand why the thought...

of ripping off an insurance
company is so abhorrent to you.

I'm beginning to wonder
myself, you know?

Now, we're getting somewhere.

Any sign of that night watchman?

No.

He's probably down
the street tipping a few.

- You ready?
- Let's go.

Wha...? What's
going on up there?

MR. PORWELL: Stop!

I'll shoot!

[GRUNTING]

DISPATCHER: Fifteen-Mary-3 L.A.

PR reports dense smoke
coming from a mobile home...

on the RV loft,
1600 North Willow.

Be advised, the facility's
main gate is locked.

Fire and 1142 are
en route, code 3.

L.A. 7-Boyd-2 away
and responding.

Ten-4, 7-Boyd.

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

It's locked.

There's someone in there.

Step aside.

- Okay, watch your head.
- All right.

BAKER: Okay. Be careful.

All right. When I get to the
door, we'll bring him out that way.

You got it.

-Hey, Bar! BARICZA: I'm in here.

In here.

[COUGHING]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

[COUGHING]

Uh...

I think I missed something,
Mr. Evans. Would you say that again?

I said you were supposed to
burn it, not smoke it to death.

Now the CHP wants to talk to me.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

Congratulations, Mr. Wizard.

Your bomb fizzled.

That's impossible.

I am sorry about
this, Mr. Evans.

We'll stay in touch, and
when things calm down...

we'll try again.

And don't worry, please.

I guarantee you
will have results.

Forget it. The
deal's off, I mean it.

I don't work that
way, Mr. Evans.

Well, maybe you don't. I do.

I'm through with you guys,
understand? Don't call here again.

What's wrong, Ray?

Oh, that was Porwell
from the RV storage lot.

There's been some vandalism,
and he wants me to go down there.

Vandalism to what?

Our motor home?

- I'm afraid so.
- I'll go with you.

Why? What about the groceries?

I'll put them away
later. Come on, let's go.

Hey, cowboy, get rid of that.

You wanna back off?

I recognize the smell
from Vietnam. Picric acid.

Lucky for some insurance
company that trigger was defective.

- Did you run the license?
- The owner's on his way.

Two RV's in two days.

It seems like half the people in
town are playing with matches.

If we could find a way to
take the profit out of arson...

the insurance companies would
make us millionaires overnight.

What have they done to it?

- Why? I don't understand.
- I know what you mean.

Let me do the talking.
You keep out of it.

- Why would you say that to me if...?
- Never mind!

For once, please,
just do what I ask.

Hi.

I'm Ray Evans. What's happened?

Dispatcher tell you?

All she said was somebody
tried to burn us out.

Dispatcher? I thought you talked
to that over-the-hill watchman.

Honey, let me
handle this, please.

What's wrong with you, Ray?
My name's on that pink slip too.

We were paying the man extra
to keep an eye on that thing.

Where is he? I'd like
to have a word with him.

Wait, did the watchman
call your home?

Right, not, uh, 10 minutes ago.

- Did you talk to him?
- No, but my husband did. Didn't you, Ray?

I'm a little curious. Do you
mind if we look around inside?

Before you do that, would
you mind telling us once again...

when did you talk
to the watchman?

Oh, about 10, 15 minutes ago.

Why? What difference does
it make? What's the big deal?

The watchman was overcome by smoke.
Fifteen minutes ago he was unconscious.

There's no way you could
have spoken with him.

That couldn't be. There
must be some mista...

Barbara, please.

Your dispatcher didn't say
a word about the watchman.

That's right. We
didn't tell her.

Will somebody please tell
me what's going on here?

Mr. Porwell.

Is he okay?

In addition to smoke inhalation,
he had an apparent coronary.

He was in pretty bad shape.

I guess I got some
explaining to do, haven't I?

Ray?

What is it?

What's happened?
What have you done?

Something stupid, I'm afraid.

The burners are Tom Dempsey and
Andy Whitman, male caucs, early 30's.

According to Evans,
they're new in town...

so I doubt whether you
have anything on them.

That's right, Mr. Evans
has agreed to cooperate.

Now, sir, I think I
made that rather plain.

All right. Thank you very much.

The DA thinks he
may go along with this.

What happens now?

After you've booked
him, take him to the DA.

Right.

Over there, you're going
to fill out a sworn statement.

If the DA goes along
with our proposal,

you'll be released on
your own recognizance.

After that, uh, you
go home and wait.

If the watchmen dies...

what will be my
husband be charged with?

The death of a person as a result
of arson or attempted arson is...

murder in the first degree.

Let's give him a few minutes.
Maybe help save the guy's marriage.

Yeah. You think the
burners will strike again?

I'd make book on it.

For a lousy 2,000 bucks?

Hey, that's the come-on.

After the fact, their 10 percent
fee goes up to more like two thirds...

of what this sucker gets
out of his insurance company.

Learn something new every day.

Is your plan to stake
out the RV storage lot?

Uh... You got a better idea?

Hey, Jon, Barry, I've
been looking for you.

Hey, Gross.

Holy smoke, you guys
smell like my hibachi.

We feel more like
smoked herring.

Hey, Grossie, tell us. Did
Jon and I make the team?

Affirmative. After weighing your individual
performances during the tryouts...

you and Barry will
be starting forwards.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you, Grossie.

Ponch will be alternating
with Harlan at a guard position.

Uh, wait a minute.
Ponch isn't gonna like that.

I don't play favorites, okay?

Now, game's tonight, 8:00. Arrive
suited up and ready for action.

Officer Grossman.

- Yeah, Joe?
- What about me?

Where do I play? Hmm?

Why, heh, any place
you want to, sergeant.

Good choice.

That from a guy who
doesn't play any favorites?

Yeah, he didn't just
fall off a turnip truck.

GROSSMAN: My mama
didn't raise no dumb kids.

Muriel.

Hey, Muriel, let me in.

Come on, Muriel, I got
something to tell you.

Hey, I bet you think that I rented
this rig just to go fishing, huh?

Shows you how much
you know. Ha, ha.

Hey, Muriel?

Muriel!

Hi. Is this the way
to Disneyland?

- Are you traveling alone?
- Yep. That's the way I plan to keep it.

What about your husband?
Did he buy a new trailer?

Rented one. Out
of spite, of course.

So, what else is new?

Does he know you're hitchhiking?

What Mr. Higgins knows or doesn't
know is no longer a concern of mine.

[CAR HORN HONKING
AND TIRES SQUEALING]

BAKER: L.A. 15-Mary-3.

I need a taxicab at
1932 Dyer Avenue...

for an 1148 K to Disneyland.

DISPATCHER: Mary 3 L.A. Did
you say an 1148 to Disneyland?

You heard me.

Listen, you know it's against
the law to ride in a trailer?

I just rode to the first stop
sign, then I got out right away.

Um...

Would you like me to help you
try and locate your husband?

I have a checkbook.
What do I need with him?

All right. Just the same...

I'll try and find
him, all right?

And when I do, I'll tell
him where he can find you.

I don't think that'll
be necessary.

No!

[TIRES SQUEALING AND
CAR HORNS HONKING]

Don't you ever do that to me
again. Not ever. You understand me?

I won't, I promise. Not ever.

I didn't rent that
rig to go fishing.

I got it so you could stay wherever
you like as long as you like.

I even got trailer
space at Disneyland.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

It won't happen again.
Never. Never, never.

Honey.

When I looked in that trailer and
you weren't there, I aged 20 years.

Everything's gonna be
fine. It's gonna be all right.

Oh, Frank. I love you.

That's more like it.

And I forgive you.

You what?

I didn't mean that.

Kiss me, darling.

DISPATCHER: 3120, look out on the
freeway, northbound 101 at Sea Cliff.

You sound nervous, Mr. Evans.

What's wrong? Were
the police troublesome?

No. No, not really.

You were discreet, I trust?

- Of course. You think I'm crazy?
- No, no, no.

But I was leery
about calling you.

I was afraid you might
not wanna talk to me.

Listen, I'm sorry about that
last conversation. I was uptight.

Well, please, don't worry about it. I
understand, and I will be in touch soon.

I'm going next door
to call the sergeant.

Why can't you call from here?

Because if Dempsey were to
call back and find the line busy...

he might become suspicious.

You sound like
one of two things...

a crook, or a policeman.

What is it, Ray?

DISPATCHER: 1198 Fiesta, 101
and Victoria for exchanging information.

L.A. 15,-7-Adam.

Ten-5 to Mary-3, I've got a
blue van in the RV storage lot.

1600 North Willow.
1035, 7-Adam is rolling.

This time, Andrew, may we
have more fire and less smoke?

When all else fails,
it's back to basics.

Come on, my back.
Call me an ambulance!

Okay, you're an ambulance.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

DEMPSEY: Help.

Help me, please. Help me.

Help! Help, get me out of
here. I don't wanna burn!

Take it easy, would
you? There's no fire.

- Come on.
- You sure?

- You sure?
- Yeah, positive.

GROSSMAN: Got him.

- A professional torch
who's afraid of fire.

Come on now. It was
Whitman's idea. I hate fire.

All I did was drive.

BAKER: You hate fire?

You better start getting
used to a lot of heat.

You heard the man. Now,
put your hands on your head.

[ALL CHEERING]

Where's Ponch? I was counting
on him for a starter. Is he coming?

He took the sacred
oath that he'd be here.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hey, look.

Huh? Did I deliver? Who's
afraid of a wipeout now, huh?

Shades of Wilt the Stilt.

So that's what
you've been up to?

I checked personnel files...

made the rounds all over to West
L.A, Santa Fe Springs, Newhall.

Do you realize we're
the only station in

these parts without a
seven-footer in it? Huh?

Ponch, somehow this doesn't
seem completely honest.

[LAUGHS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Boys, I think we've been had.

I don't get it.

Yeah, I bet you don't.

Honest, sarge, I'm as
surprised as you are.

So what? Listen to them, they love
them. Come on, let's go have some fun.

[REFEREE BLOWING WHISTLE]

[ALL CHEERING]

[REFEREE BLOWING WHISTLE]

[REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE]

Another wipeout.

I know I've seen those guys. I've
seen them work somewhere, but where?

I just placed them. King Charles
Troupe. You ever go to the circus?

Ringling Bros. and
Barnum & Bailey Circus?

Right.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[REFEREE BLOWING WHISTLE]

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

So you burned up a couple
days of leave time. Was it worth it?

No, but when I think
about how much those kids

enjoyed that show, I
figure, what the heck?

Really. Hey, Bar, that burner
you picked up yesterday?

His buddy could be suing him
for abandonment, don't you think?

My suspect will be sleeping on a
board for the next couple of months.

Would anybody like
to hear about my day?

- No.
- No, Grossie.

No, we'll pass.

Well, in that case, I
guess I'll be running along.

The second throttle
cable this week, hotshot.

Hey, I got good news.

The watchmen at the RV
storage lot is out of intensive care.

I just spoke with his doctor.

I know one RV owner and
his wife will be glad to hear that.

Anything from the DA?

Dempsey and Whitman cleared a
half-dozen arsons. They're still talking.

- Yeah, that could go on and on.
- It could.

On a new subject...

Sarge, did you ever figure out who set
us up for that so-called basketball game?

- Why, does it matter?
- Hey, don't get me wrong.

I enjoyed it as much as anybody.

But as the team coach, I don't
appreciate being hoodwinked...

and I'd like to get
that message across.

No problem. I'm sure the captain
would just love to talk to you about it.

- The captain?
- Mm-hm.

Read him off,
Grossie. Let him have it.

Tell him we were never
so embarrassed in our lives.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Well, Artie?

Well, on second
thought, upon reflection...

the whole affair was
rather amusing, wasn't it?

[English - US - SDH]