CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 1, Episode 11 - Name Your Price - full transcript
Ponch is picked as a contestant for the game show "Name Your Price."
'My dear friends'
'we are gathered
together today'
'to pay our final respects
to the beloved'
'Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Ryan.'
'She was a dedicated wife
and a loving mother.'
'Her life was a guiding light
for all of us to follow.'
'She will be missed,
not only by her family'
'but by everyone
who knew her.'
'However, we can take
solace in the fact'
'that she is now
hand-in-hand'
'with our father in heaven.'
'She is now in peace
with the universe.'
]
'The way and the will
of all things past and present.'
The Lord giveth
and the lord taketh away.
Amen.
Add those two things
to the report, Artie
and get it back to me
as soon as possible, okay?
Okay, sarge.
Hey, Bar.
'Just a sec, sarge.'
Yeah, sarge?
Is that racquetball game
on for tonight?
Sure thing.
We're gonna kill 'em all .
- 8:30, huh?
- Yeah.
Okay, buddy.
These clowns must think
I'm two inches tall.
Why?
It's addressed,
"Occupant box, 47."
Well, hey, at least
it isn't a bill.
Look, every one of these
is a vulture after
my hard-earned
bucks, partner.
You want me to tell you
how to stop getting bills?
Yeah, how?
Stop buying stuff, okay.
Hey, do you think I want
a national recession
on my conscience, huh?
Alright!
I'm rich.
I'm famous.
The first thing I'm gonna do
is pay my bills
buy myself a T-bird and spend
my vacation in Hawaii, huh?
- Hey, old buddy.
- What's the matter, Frank?
Nothing, sarge.
Everything is beautiful.
'You're beautiful,
Jon's beautiful'
and I'm terrific.
Uh, I'm beautiful
and you're terrific.
What happened to him? He run
into a tree without his helmet?
Yeah, well, near as I can tell,
he became rich and famous.
Yeah, and I just became
the commissioner.
Okay, go ahead,
put me down.
But I just made a fortune.
Frank, uh, the only way
you're gonna make a fortune
is when Sacramento starts
paying by the goof.
Yeah, wait a minute,
Ponch, I mean
how can one letter
make you a fortune?
By placing in my lucky hands
four tickets
to "Name Your Price"
the highest-paying game show
on television.
- Is that your fortune?
- Yeah.
Well, I don't wanna
burst your bubble, Frank.
But my wife went down
to that show three times
and they didn't even
pick her to play the game.
So?
So how do you figure
they're gonna
pick you to be
a contestant?
Because I'm lucky.
'Yeah, that's what
she thought.'
It didn't happen, Frank.
But your wife has no luck.
How do you figure
that, Frank?
It's obvious, sarge.
She married you.
'No, that's not unlucky, Frank.'
Being unlucky is being
Frank Poncherello
and sitting in this room
27 seconds after he's supposed
to be out on patrol.
- Right, sarge.
- Yeah.
Come on, Baker.
Don't hang me up.
Let's get outta here.
Come on.
See you later.
]
You said I was a natural
for "Name Your Price."
- I never said that.
- You practically said it.
What I said is, you buy
more junk than anyone I know.
Right. So I know my merchandise
and I know what it costs.
You mean, what you owe.
Same thing.
Look, I'm not going
into this overconfident.
Hey, no one would ever accuse
Francis Llewellyn Poncherello
of making that mistake.
Well, you got that right.
I'm gonna do my homework.
I'm gonna learn the price
of every product in America.
- By Friday?
- 'Yup.'
With you coaching me,
of course.
Pass.
'Hollywood freeway units'
'be on the lookout
for a 10-8-51'
'Silver Shadow Rolls-Royce'
'silver and black
in color.'
'Last seen heading east
on Santa Monica Boulevard'
'toward the Hollywood freeway.'
LA 15, 7 Adam in pursuit,
possible 10-8-51 Rolls-Royce
'traveling northbound,
Hollywood at sunset.'
'Attention,
Hollywood freeway units.'
'7 Adam in pursuit'
'possible 10-8-51 Rolls-Royce'
'northbound
Hollywood at sunset.'
LA 15, 7 Mary 3 and 4
will respond
northbound at Western.
'10-4, 7 Mary 3.'
]
- You alright?
- Oh, sure, I'm alright.
Oh, look at my chickens!
Dagnabbit!
How could a Rolls-Royce
just disappear?
I don't know.
Maybe it's a new accessory.
You know,
push the button and poof.
LA 15, 7 Mary 4,
10-8-51
'the Rolls-Royce
has disappeared'
'in the vicinity of Lankershim
and the Hollywood freeway.'
Getraer said to lose
some of those cages
and get this traffic going.
Let's go.
Bring it on up.
Here we go.
- Hey, Grosso.
- Thank you.
- Everything alright?
- Oh, just fine.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Watch that.
Oh, I can't believe
what happened.
Driving along. This woman tears
by me, cuts in front of me.
'Look what happened
to my whole stock.'
'How am I gonna go
to the market?'
'Did you happen to get
the lady's license number?'
Get her license? I couldn't
even see her pass.
'That's how fast she went.'
Uh, can I have
your name, ma'am?
I don't have a name
right now. Millie.
I couldn't tell you my last
name if ya killed me, boy.
Oh, officer.
Officer.
Did you catch that
rich witch in the Rolls?
Uh, no, sir, I mean, ma'am.
We didn't. I'm sorry.
Terrific.
You can't catch
the speeders
'and they can't catch
the chickens.'
Dumb cluck.
Hey, Artie, you're using
the wrong psychology there.
Yeah, listen to the man.
What are you, a chicken shrink?
Oh, very funny.
Let me show you how.
What's wrong, don't you guys
know how to catch the chickens?
Okay, Farmer Jon.
You're the expert, you show us.
There you go, uh,
city boys. Heh.
There's another one
right here.
Two.
Hey, that's very good,
partner but, you know
we can't be
standing here all day
'picking 'em up
one by one.'
So I got an idea.
Food.
Yeah, that's good.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Do you have
any birdseed?
- Birdseed?
- Yeah.
These aren't canaries,
you know, they're chickens.
Can't you tell
by the way they sing?
Uh, I think he meant, uh,
chicken feed, ma'am.
Well, why didn't
he say so?
What are you gonna do?
Well, I figured I'd lay down
a trail of seed feed..
Whatever, ma'am.
And, the chickens
will follow it
to the back of the truck.
They might just follow you
to the booby hatch.
I don't think
it's gonna work, guys.
Well, it's worth a try.
It's over here.
Oh, come on,
chick, chick.
Yeah. Come on,
chick, chick, chick.
Come on!
Watch where you're walking.
Come on, chick, chick.
Yeah, come on,
chick, chick, chick.
'Come on, chick,
chick, chick.'
Ha-ha, ha-ha.
Come on, chick, chick,
chick, chick, chick.
You see, I told you
it would work.
Colonel Sanders,
where are you when I need you?
'I told you
it wouldn't work, right?'
I thought you were
in training.
Hey, it's good to shock
the system once in a while.
Uh, listen, uh...
who are you taking
to watch me win at
"Name Your Price?"
I don't know,
I thought I'd take Shirley.
Shirley?
Hey, come on, Jon.
You know, they want
classy people on their show.
Oh, yeah, well, then
why'd they send you tickets?
Listen, why don't
you take Joyce?
Now, Joyce is
a better blender.
- Blender?
- Yeah.
She'd blend in
so well with the audience
that I'd stand out.
Yeah, well,
who are you taking?
Ah. I thought I'd give
Diane the opportunity.
Oh, come on.
I mean,
you're taking Diane
Miss knock-your-eyes-out
and I'm gonna take
the "Blender?"
Huh?
Hey, Jon,
that's my game plan.
You see, the Emcee'll see me
sitting out there with Diane.
He'll have to figure out I'm
witty, charming and fantastic.
Fantastic, that's not bad.
But, uh, how 'bout
unbelievable?
'All units, stand by
for a 10-8-51 report.'
'Be on the lookout for two
additional 10-8-51 vehicles.'
'1974 tan Rolls-Royce,
654 Ida-Mary-Sam.'
'1933 white Rolls-Royce,
Ocean-Paul-Charles.'
'Request all units hold
for prints if stopped.'
You know, we're working
with some real pros, partner.
Yeah, that's why
they got away this morning.
- Only ten more minutes.
- Till what?
Till you can start
coaching me for the show.
Wait a minute, I thought
off-duty meant we're off.
Hey, Ponch.
'Yeah, Rolls
with no plates.'
Please, step out
of the car.
'Will you step to
the front of the car, sir?'
May I see your driver's license
and registration, please?
The driver's license
is no problem, but I..
'I...don't have
the registration.'
'I-I just bought the car.'
'Yeah, well, let me see
the driver's license then.'
Hey, I know who you are.
I recognize you.
You're Bob and Carey.
The neighbors of
"Yours And Mine."
The people from
the troubled world. Hey, Jon.
Uh, this is an honor,
but, uh--
'Oh, you watch our show.'
Marvelous.
Well, it's no wonder.
It's the number one
soap opera in the country.
Fifty million fans
adore me.
Uh, us.
Daily.
This is really something.
Wait till I tell everybody
down at central that I..
...met Bob and Carey
personally.
Isn't that flattering,
darling?
He didn't look so flattered
when he pulled us over.
What's the trouble, officer?
I wasn't speeding, was I?
No, you weren't speeding.
But, uh, may I speak
to you a minute, back here?
- Yeah, sure.
- I watch police shows.
They're just
separating us, darling.
I, uh, imagine every time
you stop a superstar
you have a million questions.
Do you have a pink slip?
I've got this temporary
something-or-other here.
Mm-hm. Well, this paper
isn't any good.
Did you buy this from
a dealer or a private party?
Well, it was
a private party.
Look, I got this really
terrific deal on this car.
We're gonna have
to check your VIN number.
- The VIN number?
- Right.
Well, what's
the trouble, officer?
Well, we've had a series
of Rolls-Royce rip-offs.
So I just wanna check
your car out.
The show should run
at least ten years.
Hey, Ponch, can I talk
to you a minute?
Can we take
a commercial break?
Of course, darling.
Uh, excuse us, folks.
This is really terrific.
To meet Bob and Carey
on my freeway.
Hey, Ponch,
don't you understand?
I mean, they don't have a pink
slip, no registration.
This could be
one of the stolens.
Hey, wait a minute.
You gotta be kidding.
Not Bob and Carey.
Well, at least not Carey.
Bob maybe.
Hey, his name
is not Bob.
"Marlon Steel?"
Yeah, stage name.
Oh.
AKA Delbert Henderson?
Ha, ha.
Yeah, power of the tube.
I mean, the future star
of "Name Your Price"
should realize that.
LA 15, 7 Mary 3,
Roll an auto theft unit
southbound Golden State.
Uh, here's your
driver's license, Bob.
I mean, Marlon Delbert.
You can call me Bob.
Thanks, you can
call me Ponch.
I'm so thrilled
you watch my show.
Oh, Carey,
will you, please?
Uh, sorry, folks.
It will be a few more minutes.
You mean, we could be
driving a stolen car?
Oh, Marlon.
'Two-eighty-nine,
ninety-five'
'and that's with
presoak, miniwash'
'and hot-hot, hot-warm
warm-warm, warm-cold'
and cold-cold.
That's the big tub, right?
Yeah, the, uh,
stainless steel one.
Okay, now try another one.
How about this thing here?
Okay. Don't look.
Ice King.
Features?
Twenty-two cubic feet,
juicer, meat..
Hmm, meat compartment.
Heh. Adjustable shelves.
Uh, 899 dollars
and 95 cents.
I don't believe it.
You got it right.
Come here, I'll give you
the real test.
Alright. Uh, I think this thing
is the, uh, Astro oven.
Okay, give me features.
Timer, browner, warmer
and would you
believe, defroster?
Uh...$287.97.
Francis Llewellyn Poncherello
you're the human computer.
I mean, you haven't missed
a price by a penny.
Thanks, coach.
I'll tell you what, you have
just won fame, fortune..
...and delicious Diane.
- And the kid won a break.
- Yeah.
Oh, wait a minute.
Hold on now.
We just got started here.
Ponch, listen, you know
these prices better than
Sears Ward, Mont-Montgomery..
- All those stores.
- Hey, listen to me.
Does Muhammad Ali stop
after half his roadwork?
Does "Broadway Joe" Namath
never touch a football?
Hey, you just don't win with
less than a 100 percent effort.
You're my coach. You're supposed
to be saying that to me.
Come on, Ponch. It's past
the kid's bedtime, okay?
Beds? Hey, that's terrific.
I'm a little rusty in beds.
Come on, let's find
a furniture store.
Wait a minute.
You can over train, alright?
Hey, not for "Name Your Price,"
old buddy. Come on.
These days, prices are
changing with every minute.
Yeah, in one direction, up.
I wonder
where the driver went.
Hey, Ponch.
Hey, I didn't mean it. I didn't
mean to cause the accident.
- What accident?
- What are you talking about?
The car I ran off
the road back there.
- It was an accident. Sorry.
- Where did it happen?
Uh, back there,
near Silver Lake, I think.
- I'll take it, Jon.
- Hey, look, I'm really sorry..
Alright, turn around, please.
Put your hands on your head.
Five days,
I missed this class.
'The instructor's
gonna have it for me.'
'Help me! Help me, Oh, God!'
Hang on, sir. Help will be here
in a minute, okay?
Do you speak English?
Do you understand me?
Hey, Bar's on his way.
He's taking the suspect
down to Parker.
How's he doing?
He doesn't speak English
and he's got a bad cut.
Hey, wait a minute.
He's got a med alert
bracelet down there.
Oh, no.
He's a diabetic.
'Number 65-48-369.'
65-48-369.
- I'll call it in.
- 'Okay.'
LA 15, 7 Mary 3
I'm 10-97, eastbound,
Pomona at Silver Lake.
Roll an ambulance and notify
medic alert to 7 Mary 4's.
Victim is wearing medic alert
number 65-48-369.
No! No!
Listen, friend,
you gotta keep still, okay?
'Hey, Baker! Get the candy
bar out of my saddlebag!'
Just keep still, man.
Okay? Okay?
Here goes your little,
uh, shot of blood sugar.
Right on, partner.
Here. Mm,
num-num-num. Mm.
Eat. Good, huh?
Good. Eat.
Eat, eat.
That's good.
Tasty stuff.
Feel better, huh?
Oh, you and your junk food.
That's me.
Okay, I'll wait topside
for the paramedics.
Okay.
You feel better, huh?
Huh?
Tennis, huh?
You play tennis?
- Tennis, huh?
- Ten-tennis?
Yeah.
Ha, ha, ha.
Hey, you do understand.
You do speak English, huh?
Hey, we have to play
some time, huh?
You play with Ponch?
Yeah, I know. Uh, uh..
But they always laugh at me
when I go out to play,
you know.
But-but listen,
you have to watch out
for my reverse
spin on my backhand.
Pow!
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be okay.
LA, 7 Mary 3, roll, uh
1-9 horn tow to my 10-20.
We got your message
on the medic alert. Good work.
Okay, by the way, the victim
down there can't speak English.
Okay, thank you.
'15-5 David, 10-19
and see the court officer.'
Ooh, that's a pretty one.
Yes, that's our new
Corniche sports model
with genuine leather
matching interior.
Isn't that luxurious?
They say the engine
runs rather smoothly.
Yes, very smoothly
and very quietly.
Uh, would you like
a demonstration?
- Yes.
- Just a moment.
Here we are.
The key goes right there.
Oh, there.
Very quiet.
Yes, one's scarcely
aware it's running.
That's nice.
Ma'am, test rides are
by appointment only!
Ma'am, just a moment.
Where are you going?
I..
Oh, my goodness.
Hey, Ponch!
You made the morning paper.
Yeah, so, I helped
the guy out.
I don't think
that's such a big deal.
I don't think the papers
thought so either.
Wait a minute. "Chippie chickens
on a freeway. Fowl-up."
Now, hey, that's
public relations.
Oh.
Well, that's not a bad picture
of me, but, uh
where was the photographer when
I was out saving lives, huh?
He's probably in the darkroom
making us look silly.
Yeah, well, listen. I can't let
Getraer see this, okay?
We gotta throw
this away.
Wait a minute.
That's Artie's, okay?
Well, that's okay, Jon.
I got another copy.
Huh?
It's on the bulletin board.
Good morning, officers, uh..
and chicken wranglers.
I did it for you, sarge.
Give you something
to crow about.
Thanks, Frank.
I appreciate it.
I want all of you to know
something else about, uh
our fine, feathered friend
officer Poncherello.
'We had a hit-and-run out on
the Pomona Freeway yesterday.'
And the victim would have died
if it hadn't been for Frank.
Uh, sarge, uh,
Jon helped too.
'Thanks, guys.
That was good work.'
'Now, listen up, everybody.'
First thing I wanna
get into is
about this Rolls-Royce
theft ring
that's been operating
in the city now.
'Auto theft division figures
they've grabbed over'
'a half a million dollars worth
of cars in the past 10 days.'
'According to local dealers'
'the regional managers
keep accurate records'
'of all Rolls-Royces
in their areas.'
'Since a hot Rolls is
a hard car to pass around.'
'We figure they're probably'
'being shipped
out of the country.'
'Anyway, we've been
asked by auto theft'
'for all possible
assistance on this.'
So, I expect you guys
to keep an eye out.
'Incidentally,
Baker, Poncherello'
'that Rolls you were
chasing yesterday'
turned up at
the deluxe car wash
on Oxnard and Lankershim.
The car wash?
'Yeah, apparently, the, uh'
'woman got scared
and ran off.'
Anyway, uh, I can recommend
the place to you, fellas.
Uh, they washed off
all the fingerprints.
'Well, that's it.
Thanks, men. Let's hit it.'
Hey, Frank!
Frank!
Hold up.
That man's life
you saved.
He left this for you.
Go on.
His coach said
it cost about 60 bucks.
Oh, 59.95 manufacturer's
suggested retail price.
'Without strings, of course.'
With strings 74.95.
Congratulations, uh,
"Name Your Price," here we come.
Good luck, Frank.
What time do you have
to be at the studio?
I told the ladies
we'd pick them up by 7.
Oh, no.
The bitter
with the sweet, partner.
Please, Elmo.
Please, get up.
Please, Elmo.
Elmo, please, get up and walk.
Hey, son. Why don't you come
over here with us, okay?
No, I better stay
with Elmo.
Hey, listen, uh, we'll take care
of Elmo for you, okay?
- No, I--
- Hey, uh..
- What's your name?
- Jimmy Aston.
Please, Elmo.
Please get up.
How long has
he been here, Jimmy?
Ten minutes, I think.
Well, maybe you better help me
get Elmo off the street.
Alright, Jimmy,
if you just back up
my partner and I will
move Elmo for you, okay?
Okay, but you better
watch out.
Elmo doesn't like
being picked up.
What?
Elmo doesn't like
being picked up.
Oh, well, he won't mind if,
uh, we help him out. Heh.
Oh, yes, he will.
When Elmo sleeps
he doesn't like being bothered.
Sleeps?
Yeah, and Elmo sleeps
wherever he wants.
Okay, Elmo.
Rise and shine.
Now!
Come on, Elmo.
Here, boy.
- 'Hey.'
- 'Come on, Elmo.'
- 'Come on, boy. Come on.'
- 'Come on, use your commands.'
- 'Use your tricks. Hurry up.'
- 'Hey, use your tricks.'
What are we gonna do? We're in
the middle of the street.
Alright, well, we have
no choice, partner.
Let's go.
You better watch out, officer.
Hey, uh, it's okay, son.
Ah, it's okay.
Mm-hm.
Ah!
- Whoa! Easy, easy, easy.
- Wait a minute.
Easy, you just have
a nice little snoozer, Elmo.
Uh, just like Jimmy says
"Wherever he wants," right?
Okay, listen, uh
I got one last idea.
It worked for us
yesterday, okay?
Just hang on.
Heh, yeah.
- Hey, Elmo.
- Ah, easy.
Easy.
He likes you.
He likes you.
No, he doesn't.
He wants my junk food, huh?
Come here.
Come over here.
That's it.
Come here, my baby.
Come here. Come here.
Ooh. Hey!
This is a big dog
you got here.
Thanks, officer.
It's our pleasure, Jimmy.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, Ponch.
Good luck tonight.
Hope you get on the show
and make lots of money.
Are you kidding?
If Ponch wins
he'll be impossible
to live with.
Hey, he's already
impossible.
Why not impossible
and rich?
My game plan, exactly.
Like I said, Frank,
don't get your hopes up.
There are gonna be a lot of
other people there at that show.
Yeah, but I got
the luck of the Irish.
Irish?
He doesn't look Irish.
Hey, don't you
guys know about
that little leprechaun
I got in my back pocket?
He gives me luck
and I give him
Spanish lessons.
'Attention all units,
10-8-51 just occurred.'
'A black Rolls-Royce taken
from the Pacifica Hotel.'
'Vehicle last seen southbound
on the Harbor Freeway'
'approaching
the Santa Monica.'
Uh, they're coming
our way, sarge.
Okay, you guys.
You're on overtime.
Let's nail 'em.
They're right here.
7 Mary 3 and 4
'suspect vehicle has just
pulled in behind you'
'from Southbound Harbor
at Santa Monica'
'is now traveling southbound
in the number three lane.'
'Approximately 100
yards to your rear.'
Jon, let's take the off-ramp,
and pull in behind the Rolls.
Right, Ponch.
'LA 15, 7 Mary 3'
'following suspect,
10-8-51 Rolls'
'west from Harbor Freeway on
Wilmington towards Berth 58.'
'10-4, 7 Mary 3.
LASO will be advised.'
You brought two chippies
with you, baby.
Hey.
Hey, they can't
burn us twice, can they?
Yeah, especially
with wheels like that
those babies are built
for, uh, luxury, not speed.
Hey, Ponch.
Hey, Baker, you suppose
all those are for sale?
'I think we'll find
a bargain in the bunch.'
15, 7 Mary 3 and 4
uh, code 6 at Montanus Rolls
at, uh, Palisades and Grand.
'10-4, 7 Mary 3.'
Okay, in there.
Out of the car, hands first.
Both of you, out of the car
with your hands in the air.
- Ponch, over there!
- Alright, get out of the car!
Come on, fast, move it!
Okay, move it.
Put your hands on your head
and move to the rear of the car.
Now, let's go.
Got another unit
on its way.
Sorry, it's not as classy as
the thing you've been driving.
Yeah, but you do get
a chauffeur.
And now, our last contestant
on "Name Your Price."
Will Frank Ponce-Poncer--
Ponchere-Poncherello!
Whatever it is, Frank
come on up and
"Name Your Price."
Welcome to
"Name Your Price," Frank.
Just relax now and tell us
about yourself.
Uh...I'm single
and I'm a California
highway patrol motor officer.
I could tell by the way
you came down that isle at 55.
This next item should be
right up your alley, Frank.
'Or should I say, freeway?'
Okay, folks.
Take a look at this.
A brand-new Z1R motorcycle.
'He rides one every day, but who
would've thought of pricing it?'
This beauty is a 1015 cc
with a double overhead cam
'smoked bikini fairing, drilled
brakes, and alloy wheels.'
'One of the finest and fastest
street machines anywhere.'
Okay, ladies
and Frank
"Name Your Price!"
'Hildine, you're first.'
Uh..
...thirty-nine..
...ninety-five.
Thank you.
Ruth, you're next.
Four thousand, uh, 250.
Finally got it out. Good.
Thank you. Sylvia, you're next.
Thirty-six ninety-five.
Thank you, Sylvia.
Frank, you're last.
'Officer Poncherello, you have
exactly five seconds.'
'Four, three, two, one.'
I'll go with $3697.
'Okay, thank you.'
'All prices in and locked.'
May I have the envelope,
please, Darlene?
Thank you.
Isn't she lovely?
The actual manufacturer's
suggested retail price
is..
...3695 dollars!
'Sylvia Miller, it's yours!'
Oh, I don't believe it!
'we are gathered
together today'
'to pay our final respects
to the beloved'
'Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Ryan.'
'She was a dedicated wife
and a loving mother.'
'Her life was a guiding light
for all of us to follow.'
'She will be missed,
not only by her family'
'but by everyone
who knew her.'
'However, we can take
solace in the fact'
'that she is now
hand-in-hand'
'with our father in heaven.'
'She is now in peace
with the universe.'
]
'The way and the will
of all things past and present.'
The Lord giveth
and the lord taketh away.
Amen.
Add those two things
to the report, Artie
and get it back to me
as soon as possible, okay?
Okay, sarge.
Hey, Bar.
'Just a sec, sarge.'
Yeah, sarge?
Is that racquetball game
on for tonight?
Sure thing.
We're gonna kill 'em all .
- 8:30, huh?
- Yeah.
Okay, buddy.
These clowns must think
I'm two inches tall.
Why?
It's addressed,
"Occupant box, 47."
Well, hey, at least
it isn't a bill.
Look, every one of these
is a vulture after
my hard-earned
bucks, partner.
You want me to tell you
how to stop getting bills?
Yeah, how?
Stop buying stuff, okay.
Hey, do you think I want
a national recession
on my conscience, huh?
Alright!
I'm rich.
I'm famous.
The first thing I'm gonna do
is pay my bills
buy myself a T-bird and spend
my vacation in Hawaii, huh?
- Hey, old buddy.
- What's the matter, Frank?
Nothing, sarge.
Everything is beautiful.
'You're beautiful,
Jon's beautiful'
and I'm terrific.
Uh, I'm beautiful
and you're terrific.
What happened to him? He run
into a tree without his helmet?
Yeah, well, near as I can tell,
he became rich and famous.
Yeah, and I just became
the commissioner.
Okay, go ahead,
put me down.
But I just made a fortune.
Frank, uh, the only way
you're gonna make a fortune
is when Sacramento starts
paying by the goof.
Yeah, wait a minute,
Ponch, I mean
how can one letter
make you a fortune?
By placing in my lucky hands
four tickets
to "Name Your Price"
the highest-paying game show
on television.
- Is that your fortune?
- Yeah.
Well, I don't wanna
burst your bubble, Frank.
But my wife went down
to that show three times
and they didn't even
pick her to play the game.
So?
So how do you figure
they're gonna
pick you to be
a contestant?
Because I'm lucky.
'Yeah, that's what
she thought.'
It didn't happen, Frank.
But your wife has no luck.
How do you figure
that, Frank?
It's obvious, sarge.
She married you.
'No, that's not unlucky, Frank.'
Being unlucky is being
Frank Poncherello
and sitting in this room
27 seconds after he's supposed
to be out on patrol.
- Right, sarge.
- Yeah.
Come on, Baker.
Don't hang me up.
Let's get outta here.
Come on.
See you later.
]
You said I was a natural
for "Name Your Price."
- I never said that.
- You practically said it.
What I said is, you buy
more junk than anyone I know.
Right. So I know my merchandise
and I know what it costs.
You mean, what you owe.
Same thing.
Look, I'm not going
into this overconfident.
Hey, no one would ever accuse
Francis Llewellyn Poncherello
of making that mistake.
Well, you got that right.
I'm gonna do my homework.
I'm gonna learn the price
of every product in America.
- By Friday?
- 'Yup.'
With you coaching me,
of course.
Pass.
'Hollywood freeway units'
'be on the lookout
for a 10-8-51'
'Silver Shadow Rolls-Royce'
'silver and black
in color.'
'Last seen heading east
on Santa Monica Boulevard'
'toward the Hollywood freeway.'
LA 15, 7 Adam in pursuit,
possible 10-8-51 Rolls-Royce
'traveling northbound,
Hollywood at sunset.'
'Attention,
Hollywood freeway units.'
'7 Adam in pursuit'
'possible 10-8-51 Rolls-Royce'
'northbound
Hollywood at sunset.'
LA 15, 7 Mary 3 and 4
will respond
northbound at Western.
'10-4, 7 Mary 3.'
]
- You alright?
- Oh, sure, I'm alright.
Oh, look at my chickens!
Dagnabbit!
How could a Rolls-Royce
just disappear?
I don't know.
Maybe it's a new accessory.
You know,
push the button and poof.
LA 15, 7 Mary 4,
10-8-51
'the Rolls-Royce
has disappeared'
'in the vicinity of Lankershim
and the Hollywood freeway.'
Getraer said to lose
some of those cages
and get this traffic going.
Let's go.
Bring it on up.
Here we go.
- Hey, Grosso.
- Thank you.
- Everything alright?
- Oh, just fine.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Watch that.
Oh, I can't believe
what happened.
Driving along. This woman tears
by me, cuts in front of me.
'Look what happened
to my whole stock.'
'How am I gonna go
to the market?'
'Did you happen to get
the lady's license number?'
Get her license? I couldn't
even see her pass.
'That's how fast she went.'
Uh, can I have
your name, ma'am?
I don't have a name
right now. Millie.
I couldn't tell you my last
name if ya killed me, boy.
Oh, officer.
Officer.
Did you catch that
rich witch in the Rolls?
Uh, no, sir, I mean, ma'am.
We didn't. I'm sorry.
Terrific.
You can't catch
the speeders
'and they can't catch
the chickens.'
Dumb cluck.
Hey, Artie, you're using
the wrong psychology there.
Yeah, listen to the man.
What are you, a chicken shrink?
Oh, very funny.
Let me show you how.
What's wrong, don't you guys
know how to catch the chickens?
Okay, Farmer Jon.
You're the expert, you show us.
There you go, uh,
city boys. Heh.
There's another one
right here.
Two.
Hey, that's very good,
partner but, you know
we can't be
standing here all day
'picking 'em up
one by one.'
So I got an idea.
Food.
Yeah, that's good.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Do you have
any birdseed?
- Birdseed?
- Yeah.
These aren't canaries,
you know, they're chickens.
Can't you tell
by the way they sing?
Uh, I think he meant, uh,
chicken feed, ma'am.
Well, why didn't
he say so?
What are you gonna do?
Well, I figured I'd lay down
a trail of seed feed..
Whatever, ma'am.
And, the chickens
will follow it
to the back of the truck.
They might just follow you
to the booby hatch.
I don't think
it's gonna work, guys.
Well, it's worth a try.
It's over here.
Oh, come on,
chick, chick.
Yeah. Come on,
chick, chick, chick.
Come on!
Watch where you're walking.
Come on, chick, chick.
Yeah, come on,
chick, chick, chick.
'Come on, chick,
chick, chick.'
Ha-ha, ha-ha.
Come on, chick, chick,
chick, chick, chick.
You see, I told you
it would work.
Colonel Sanders,
where are you when I need you?
'I told you
it wouldn't work, right?'
I thought you were
in training.
Hey, it's good to shock
the system once in a while.
Uh, listen, uh...
who are you taking
to watch me win at
"Name Your Price?"
I don't know,
I thought I'd take Shirley.
Shirley?
Hey, come on, Jon.
You know, they want
classy people on their show.
Oh, yeah, well, then
why'd they send you tickets?
Listen, why don't
you take Joyce?
Now, Joyce is
a better blender.
- Blender?
- Yeah.
She'd blend in
so well with the audience
that I'd stand out.
Yeah, well,
who are you taking?
Ah. I thought I'd give
Diane the opportunity.
Oh, come on.
I mean,
you're taking Diane
Miss knock-your-eyes-out
and I'm gonna take
the "Blender?"
Huh?
Hey, Jon,
that's my game plan.
You see, the Emcee'll see me
sitting out there with Diane.
He'll have to figure out I'm
witty, charming and fantastic.
Fantastic, that's not bad.
But, uh, how 'bout
unbelievable?
'All units, stand by
for a 10-8-51 report.'
'Be on the lookout for two
additional 10-8-51 vehicles.'
'1974 tan Rolls-Royce,
654 Ida-Mary-Sam.'
'1933 white Rolls-Royce,
Ocean-Paul-Charles.'
'Request all units hold
for prints if stopped.'
You know, we're working
with some real pros, partner.
Yeah, that's why
they got away this morning.
- Only ten more minutes.
- Till what?
Till you can start
coaching me for the show.
Wait a minute, I thought
off-duty meant we're off.
Hey, Ponch.
'Yeah, Rolls
with no plates.'
Please, step out
of the car.
'Will you step to
the front of the car, sir?'
May I see your driver's license
and registration, please?
The driver's license
is no problem, but I..
'I...don't have
the registration.'
'I-I just bought the car.'
'Yeah, well, let me see
the driver's license then.'
Hey, I know who you are.
I recognize you.
You're Bob and Carey.
The neighbors of
"Yours And Mine."
The people from
the troubled world. Hey, Jon.
Uh, this is an honor,
but, uh--
'Oh, you watch our show.'
Marvelous.
Well, it's no wonder.
It's the number one
soap opera in the country.
Fifty million fans
adore me.
Uh, us.
Daily.
This is really something.
Wait till I tell everybody
down at central that I..
...met Bob and Carey
personally.
Isn't that flattering,
darling?
He didn't look so flattered
when he pulled us over.
What's the trouble, officer?
I wasn't speeding, was I?
No, you weren't speeding.
But, uh, may I speak
to you a minute, back here?
- Yeah, sure.
- I watch police shows.
They're just
separating us, darling.
I, uh, imagine every time
you stop a superstar
you have a million questions.
Do you have a pink slip?
I've got this temporary
something-or-other here.
Mm-hm. Well, this paper
isn't any good.
Did you buy this from
a dealer or a private party?
Well, it was
a private party.
Look, I got this really
terrific deal on this car.
We're gonna have
to check your VIN number.
- The VIN number?
- Right.
Well, what's
the trouble, officer?
Well, we've had a series
of Rolls-Royce rip-offs.
So I just wanna check
your car out.
The show should run
at least ten years.
Hey, Ponch, can I talk
to you a minute?
Can we take
a commercial break?
Of course, darling.
Uh, excuse us, folks.
This is really terrific.
To meet Bob and Carey
on my freeway.
Hey, Ponch,
don't you understand?
I mean, they don't have a pink
slip, no registration.
This could be
one of the stolens.
Hey, wait a minute.
You gotta be kidding.
Not Bob and Carey.
Well, at least not Carey.
Bob maybe.
Hey, his name
is not Bob.
"Marlon Steel?"
Yeah, stage name.
Oh.
AKA Delbert Henderson?
Ha, ha.
Yeah, power of the tube.
I mean, the future star
of "Name Your Price"
should realize that.
LA 15, 7 Mary 3,
Roll an auto theft unit
southbound Golden State.
Uh, here's your
driver's license, Bob.
I mean, Marlon Delbert.
You can call me Bob.
Thanks, you can
call me Ponch.
I'm so thrilled
you watch my show.
Oh, Carey,
will you, please?
Uh, sorry, folks.
It will be a few more minutes.
You mean, we could be
driving a stolen car?
Oh, Marlon.
'Two-eighty-nine,
ninety-five'
'and that's with
presoak, miniwash'
'and hot-hot, hot-warm
warm-warm, warm-cold'
and cold-cold.
That's the big tub, right?
Yeah, the, uh,
stainless steel one.
Okay, now try another one.
How about this thing here?
Okay. Don't look.
Ice King.
Features?
Twenty-two cubic feet,
juicer, meat..
Hmm, meat compartment.
Heh. Adjustable shelves.
Uh, 899 dollars
and 95 cents.
I don't believe it.
You got it right.
Come here, I'll give you
the real test.
Alright. Uh, I think this thing
is the, uh, Astro oven.
Okay, give me features.
Timer, browner, warmer
and would you
believe, defroster?
Uh...$287.97.
Francis Llewellyn Poncherello
you're the human computer.
I mean, you haven't missed
a price by a penny.
Thanks, coach.
I'll tell you what, you have
just won fame, fortune..
...and delicious Diane.
- And the kid won a break.
- Yeah.
Oh, wait a minute.
Hold on now.
We just got started here.
Ponch, listen, you know
these prices better than
Sears Ward, Mont-Montgomery..
- All those stores.
- Hey, listen to me.
Does Muhammad Ali stop
after half his roadwork?
Does "Broadway Joe" Namath
never touch a football?
Hey, you just don't win with
less than a 100 percent effort.
You're my coach. You're supposed
to be saying that to me.
Come on, Ponch. It's past
the kid's bedtime, okay?
Beds? Hey, that's terrific.
I'm a little rusty in beds.
Come on, let's find
a furniture store.
Wait a minute.
You can over train, alright?
Hey, not for "Name Your Price,"
old buddy. Come on.
These days, prices are
changing with every minute.
Yeah, in one direction, up.
I wonder
where the driver went.
Hey, Ponch.
Hey, I didn't mean it. I didn't
mean to cause the accident.
- What accident?
- What are you talking about?
The car I ran off
the road back there.
- It was an accident. Sorry.
- Where did it happen?
Uh, back there,
near Silver Lake, I think.
- I'll take it, Jon.
- Hey, look, I'm really sorry..
Alright, turn around, please.
Put your hands on your head.
Five days,
I missed this class.
'The instructor's
gonna have it for me.'
'Help me! Help me, Oh, God!'
Hang on, sir. Help will be here
in a minute, okay?
Do you speak English?
Do you understand me?
Hey, Bar's on his way.
He's taking the suspect
down to Parker.
How's he doing?
He doesn't speak English
and he's got a bad cut.
Hey, wait a minute.
He's got a med alert
bracelet down there.
Oh, no.
He's a diabetic.
'Number 65-48-369.'
65-48-369.
- I'll call it in.
- 'Okay.'
LA 15, 7 Mary 3
I'm 10-97, eastbound,
Pomona at Silver Lake.
Roll an ambulance and notify
medic alert to 7 Mary 4's.
Victim is wearing medic alert
number 65-48-369.
No! No!
Listen, friend,
you gotta keep still, okay?
'Hey, Baker! Get the candy
bar out of my saddlebag!'
Just keep still, man.
Okay? Okay?
Here goes your little,
uh, shot of blood sugar.
Right on, partner.
Here. Mm,
num-num-num. Mm.
Eat. Good, huh?
Good. Eat.
Eat, eat.
That's good.
Tasty stuff.
Feel better, huh?
Oh, you and your junk food.
That's me.
Okay, I'll wait topside
for the paramedics.
Okay.
You feel better, huh?
Huh?
Tennis, huh?
You play tennis?
- Tennis, huh?
- Ten-tennis?
Yeah.
Ha, ha, ha.
Hey, you do understand.
You do speak English, huh?
Hey, we have to play
some time, huh?
You play with Ponch?
Yeah, I know. Uh, uh..
But they always laugh at me
when I go out to play,
you know.
But-but listen,
you have to watch out
for my reverse
spin on my backhand.
Pow!
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be okay.
LA, 7 Mary 3, roll, uh
1-9 horn tow to my 10-20.
We got your message
on the medic alert. Good work.
Okay, by the way, the victim
down there can't speak English.
Okay, thank you.
'15-5 David, 10-19
and see the court officer.'
Ooh, that's a pretty one.
Yes, that's our new
Corniche sports model
with genuine leather
matching interior.
Isn't that luxurious?
They say the engine
runs rather smoothly.
Yes, very smoothly
and very quietly.
Uh, would you like
a demonstration?
- Yes.
- Just a moment.
Here we are.
The key goes right there.
Oh, there.
Very quiet.
Yes, one's scarcely
aware it's running.
That's nice.
Ma'am, test rides are
by appointment only!
Ma'am, just a moment.
Where are you going?
I..
Oh, my goodness.
Hey, Ponch!
You made the morning paper.
Yeah, so, I helped
the guy out.
I don't think
that's such a big deal.
I don't think the papers
thought so either.
Wait a minute. "Chippie chickens
on a freeway. Fowl-up."
Now, hey, that's
public relations.
Oh.
Well, that's not a bad picture
of me, but, uh
where was the photographer when
I was out saving lives, huh?
He's probably in the darkroom
making us look silly.
Yeah, well, listen. I can't let
Getraer see this, okay?
We gotta throw
this away.
Wait a minute.
That's Artie's, okay?
Well, that's okay, Jon.
I got another copy.
Huh?
It's on the bulletin board.
Good morning, officers, uh..
and chicken wranglers.
I did it for you, sarge.
Give you something
to crow about.
Thanks, Frank.
I appreciate it.
I want all of you to know
something else about, uh
our fine, feathered friend
officer Poncherello.
'We had a hit-and-run out on
the Pomona Freeway yesterday.'
And the victim would have died
if it hadn't been for Frank.
Uh, sarge, uh,
Jon helped too.
'Thanks, guys.
That was good work.'
'Now, listen up, everybody.'
First thing I wanna
get into is
about this Rolls-Royce
theft ring
that's been operating
in the city now.
'Auto theft division figures
they've grabbed over'
'a half a million dollars worth
of cars in the past 10 days.'
'According to local dealers'
'the regional managers
keep accurate records'
'of all Rolls-Royces
in their areas.'
'Since a hot Rolls is
a hard car to pass around.'
'We figure they're probably'
'being shipped
out of the country.'
'Anyway, we've been
asked by auto theft'
'for all possible
assistance on this.'
So, I expect you guys
to keep an eye out.
'Incidentally,
Baker, Poncherello'
'that Rolls you were
chasing yesterday'
turned up at
the deluxe car wash
on Oxnard and Lankershim.
The car wash?
'Yeah, apparently, the, uh'
'woman got scared
and ran off.'
Anyway, uh, I can recommend
the place to you, fellas.
Uh, they washed off
all the fingerprints.
'Well, that's it.
Thanks, men. Let's hit it.'
Hey, Frank!
Frank!
Hold up.
That man's life
you saved.
He left this for you.
Go on.
His coach said
it cost about 60 bucks.
Oh, 59.95 manufacturer's
suggested retail price.
'Without strings, of course.'
With strings 74.95.
Congratulations, uh,
"Name Your Price," here we come.
Good luck, Frank.
What time do you have
to be at the studio?
I told the ladies
we'd pick them up by 7.
Oh, no.
The bitter
with the sweet, partner.
Please, Elmo.
Please, get up.
Please, Elmo.
Elmo, please, get up and walk.
Hey, son. Why don't you come
over here with us, okay?
No, I better stay
with Elmo.
Hey, listen, uh, we'll take care
of Elmo for you, okay?
- No, I--
- Hey, uh..
- What's your name?
- Jimmy Aston.
Please, Elmo.
Please get up.
How long has
he been here, Jimmy?
Ten minutes, I think.
Well, maybe you better help me
get Elmo off the street.
Alright, Jimmy,
if you just back up
my partner and I will
move Elmo for you, okay?
Okay, but you better
watch out.
Elmo doesn't like
being picked up.
What?
Elmo doesn't like
being picked up.
Oh, well, he won't mind if,
uh, we help him out. Heh.
Oh, yes, he will.
When Elmo sleeps
he doesn't like being bothered.
Sleeps?
Yeah, and Elmo sleeps
wherever he wants.
Okay, Elmo.
Rise and shine.
Now!
Come on, Elmo.
Here, boy.
- 'Hey.'
- 'Come on, Elmo.'
- 'Come on, boy. Come on.'
- 'Come on, use your commands.'
- 'Use your tricks. Hurry up.'
- 'Hey, use your tricks.'
What are we gonna do? We're in
the middle of the street.
Alright, well, we have
no choice, partner.
Let's go.
You better watch out, officer.
Hey, uh, it's okay, son.
Ah, it's okay.
Mm-hm.
Ah!
- Whoa! Easy, easy, easy.
- Wait a minute.
Easy, you just have
a nice little snoozer, Elmo.
Uh, just like Jimmy says
"Wherever he wants," right?
Okay, listen, uh
I got one last idea.
It worked for us
yesterday, okay?
Just hang on.
Heh, yeah.
- Hey, Elmo.
- Ah, easy.
Easy.
He likes you.
He likes you.
No, he doesn't.
He wants my junk food, huh?
Come here.
Come over here.
That's it.
Come here, my baby.
Come here. Come here.
Ooh. Hey!
This is a big dog
you got here.
Thanks, officer.
It's our pleasure, Jimmy.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, Ponch.
Good luck tonight.
Hope you get on the show
and make lots of money.
Are you kidding?
If Ponch wins
he'll be impossible
to live with.
Hey, he's already
impossible.
Why not impossible
and rich?
My game plan, exactly.
Like I said, Frank,
don't get your hopes up.
There are gonna be a lot of
other people there at that show.
Yeah, but I got
the luck of the Irish.
Irish?
He doesn't look Irish.
Hey, don't you
guys know about
that little leprechaun
I got in my back pocket?
He gives me luck
and I give him
Spanish lessons.
'Attention all units,
10-8-51 just occurred.'
'A black Rolls-Royce taken
from the Pacifica Hotel.'
'Vehicle last seen southbound
on the Harbor Freeway'
'approaching
the Santa Monica.'
Uh, they're coming
our way, sarge.
Okay, you guys.
You're on overtime.
Let's nail 'em.
They're right here.
7 Mary 3 and 4
'suspect vehicle has just
pulled in behind you'
'from Southbound Harbor
at Santa Monica'
'is now traveling southbound
in the number three lane.'
'Approximately 100
yards to your rear.'
Jon, let's take the off-ramp,
and pull in behind the Rolls.
Right, Ponch.
'LA 15, 7 Mary 3'
'following suspect,
10-8-51 Rolls'
'west from Harbor Freeway on
Wilmington towards Berth 58.'
'10-4, 7 Mary 3.
LASO will be advised.'
You brought two chippies
with you, baby.
Hey.
Hey, they can't
burn us twice, can they?
Yeah, especially
with wheels like that
those babies are built
for, uh, luxury, not speed.
Hey, Ponch.
Hey, Baker, you suppose
all those are for sale?
'I think we'll find
a bargain in the bunch.'
15, 7 Mary 3 and 4
uh, code 6 at Montanus Rolls
at, uh, Palisades and Grand.
'10-4, 7 Mary 3.'
Okay, in there.
Out of the car, hands first.
Both of you, out of the car
with your hands in the air.
- Ponch, over there!
- Alright, get out of the car!
Come on, fast, move it!
Okay, move it.
Put your hands on your head
and move to the rear of the car.
Now, let's go.
Got another unit
on its way.
Sorry, it's not as classy as
the thing you've been driving.
Yeah, but you do get
a chauffeur.
And now, our last contestant
on "Name Your Price."
Will Frank Ponce-Poncer--
Ponchere-Poncherello!
Whatever it is, Frank
come on up and
"Name Your Price."
Welcome to
"Name Your Price," Frank.
Just relax now and tell us
about yourself.
Uh...I'm single
and I'm a California
highway patrol motor officer.
I could tell by the way
you came down that isle at 55.
This next item should be
right up your alley, Frank.
'Or should I say, freeway?'
Okay, folks.
Take a look at this.
A brand-new Z1R motorcycle.
'He rides one every day, but who
would've thought of pricing it?'
This beauty is a 1015 cc
with a double overhead cam
'smoked bikini fairing, drilled
brakes, and alloy wheels.'
'One of the finest and fastest
street machines anywhere.'
Okay, ladies
and Frank
"Name Your Price!"
'Hildine, you're first.'
Uh..
...thirty-nine..
...ninety-five.
Thank you.
Ruth, you're next.
Four thousand, uh, 250.
Finally got it out. Good.
Thank you. Sylvia, you're next.
Thirty-six ninety-five.
Thank you, Sylvia.
Frank, you're last.
'Officer Poncherello, you have
exactly five seconds.'
'Four, three, two, one.'
I'll go with $3697.
'Okay, thank you.'
'All prices in and locked.'
May I have the envelope,
please, Darlene?
Thank you.
Isn't she lovely?
The actual manufacturer's
suggested retail price
is..
...3695 dollars!
'Sylvia Miller, it's yours!'
Oh, I don't believe it!