C.H.U.E.C.O. (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Chueco el extraterrestre - full transcript
Chueco is kidnapped by two thugs hired by Macarato. In order to create division among them and be able to escape, the ape pretends to be an alien inside the body of a chimpanzee. In the meantime, the Gustozzi family get help from Patricia, the neighboring policewoman, to try to rescue Chueco. They will have to decide whether or not to reveal the ape's secret to her.
♪ Chueco ♪
"THE IN-LAWS"
Hey!
Those bananas are for the cake.
Ah! Banana bread?
Don't add cinnamon.
It makes my belly burn.
Oh, look.
(grunting)
This cake is not for you.
You are a chimp,
and chimps eat chimp food.
We apes eat banana.
What are you doing?
No! Chueco...
Oops, they're gone.
You'll have to buy more.
No, I think I'll make chimp cake.
Peace and love, Amandita.
You look burned.
Give me a box of matches
and I'll burn something
that will solve my problems forever.
(both grunting)
(screaming from a distance)
What happened?
Ay!
You had a heart attack.
I knew that beast was too much for us.
No. Chueco, here. Fan me.
No. I got a call. An offer I can't refuse.
What? Was it an appointment
to put more hair on your head?
I was called by the foundation
Firmament and Harmony, FAH.
They offered for me
to collaborate with them.
Juan, don't accept,
or you'll end up in a clan,
with a shaved head and blue eyebrows.
It's a musical foundation.
They want me to collaborate
with world-renowned maestro
Joao Pretzel on his tour.
Applause for Juan Gustozzi!
Ah, you were pranked by the radio again.
No, Chueco. Look. Confirmation email.
The tour will take place
in London, Madrid, and Paris.
I love Paris.
Bonjour, Paris,
je suis le pianiste Juan Gustozzi.
And why did they choose you?
Well, maybe
because I'm a renowned pianist.
A colleague recommended me.
But you've been out of that circuit
for a very long time.
Maybe it was a colleague with good memory.
Yes, or one with very bad memory. Ha!
Okay, stop it!
It's the best news ever.
Aren't you happy for me?
-How long?
-Three months.
Your children will be very happy
when they learn
their dad will tour for three months
and they're left to their fate.
Fan me, Chueco, fan me.
I didn't think of that.
Who will take care of the children?
I offer to be the head of the family.
Ten pesos each,
and they can fend for themselves.
Yeah, I'd be really cool with that plan.
It's okay, Chueco.
Amandita, my queen, what is three months?
Twelve weeks, 90 days, 2,160 hours...
Okay.
Delfina is a grown-up, she can help.
Vicente acts as if he was my dad,
and Martín doesn't speak.
Two looks, and that's it.
If there isn't an emergency.
Broken bones, party, chaos...
No, no, Juan. Don't ask me that.
You know my trauma.
Uh, what trauma?
When I was a kid, a friend of mine
asked me to look after her chick.
And the cat ate it.
I lost chick, cat, and friend.
-What happened to the cat?
-It choked on the chick.
Juan, it's too much responsibility for me.
Please, Amanda, please.
Please!
Really?
Will you leave me alone
with this chimp tormenting me all day?
Juan, Grandpa and Grandma are here.
What?
Catalina, Roberto,
it's so nice you came unannounced.
We're here for business.
We wanted to surprise you.
And you did, you did.
(Juan and Roberto laughing)
Well, well, well. Won't you come say hi
to your favorite grandparents?
-Come here!
-Come on, Del, smile. Hug.
Oh, honey.
Martín, my boy, you're growing a mustache.
Yes.
And you, Vicente, my little bookworm.
My girl, don't go!
You're always so, so, so...
I'm going to give you a good concealer,
it'll work wonders.
Thank you, Grandma.
I love your hairdo,
it's ideal for the coven.
Let's study.
Del, you had to study, go study.
Amandita!
You don't know how much I missed you
since you stopped working with us.
Oh, but that was so long ago, ma'am.
Don't be so formal, we're like sisters.
So much like sisters
that you know exactly
how I like to fold my clothes,
when you pick up my suitcases and unpack.
Oh, that won't be possible, I'm sorry.
You know, yesterday,
I felt a pull in this muscle
called "I don't feel like it."
It's very painful. Very painful.
So go rest, Amanda, easy.
I'll take care of the suitcases.
Let me introduce you
to the new member of the family.
What an ugly monkey.
It's not a monkey, Grandma.
It's a Pan troglodytes.
It's the closest to a human being.
It even has opposable thumbs
on its hands and feet.
They outdo us in that.
No, no, no, this kid reads too much.
That's not good.
Chueco, you're so romantic. Easy.
You have another grandkid.
It smells like dead rat.
No, Grandma.
On the contrary, he's a dandy.
He even waxes his armpits.
We do that together.
That's too much information.
What do I do with 500 heads?
Make it 1,000, I told him!
I had forgotten
the ranch was so big, in-law.
You haven't visited us in so long...
Every time we want to go, you're away.
You always choose
the worst time, the holidays.
Yes, it's my fault.
-Oh.
-Oh, I scared.
Does the monkey always sit with you
at the table? How unhygienic.
No, he never does.
But he's very happy now.
You'll leave soon, huh, Chueco.
(gibbers)
Juan, and that tour you're doing,
it sounds important.
No, it's very important.
Very few concert pianists
are called for events of this magnitude.
But, sadly, it's too long,
and the kids, so...
No, not at all!
The kids will come to the ranch with us,
right, Roberto?
That would be cool! Sure!
No, it'd be very cool.
I appreciate your generosity,
but it's three months.
Please, they're our grandchildren.
They're coming with us, that's it.
And Amandita too.
Amandita, would you agree to that?
That would solve the problems,
and you could go on tour.
Okay, then, say no more.
(gibbering)
The beast got violent.
No, please, it's the call of the jungle.
Yes!
And we're going to pick up that call.
Easy, Chuequito.
He's really crazy today.
We're going to sit here for a sec.
I'll be back in a sec.
Shh! Calm down.
Juan, this is a disaster.
Look me in the eyes.
Do you think I'm a fool?
-No.
-I think you do.
I'm not part of the Chihuahua plan.
JUAN: Look me in the eyes.
Juan talks to himself.
Yes, he's convincing himself.
Since he started Gestalt therapy.
Argentinians are weird, they're so weird.
Yes, I agree.
If there's no Chihuahua,
would you fit me in your suitcase?
No, don't make that face.
Chueco, I can't take you to Europe.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Look how excited I am, look at me.
Let me fulfill my dream.
But you have a talking ape
that pays your bills.
A bigger dream than that, Juan?
You're right. I won't leave you.
But I'll think of something. Let's go.
In-laws...
I'd gladly accept
this generous offer from you,
but you'd have to include Chueco.
What?
Of course.
The monkey comes too.
It's the family's pet, isn't it?
Right. Did you hear, monkey?
See I was right?
But of course the monkey
wouldn't sleep inside the house.
No, of course not.
But we'll make space for him in the barn.
So he can eat and sleep
with the other animals.
-(Chueco gibbering)
-He liked the idea.
No, no, Chueco. Easy, easy.
In the barn?
Dragged to live with the filthy animals.
Eating dry grass like a common beast.
Without being able to talk. No way!
No. Listen, Chueco, wait.
My in-laws' facilities are...
-Very small.
-No! They're huge.
-And the kids can visit you.
-Once a month.
No, Amanda. Every day.
And bring you bananas.
No, it's too long.
I won't be able to stand it.
See, now you're not so funny.
This will teach you
not to make jokes to everybody.
Thank you, Amanda.
Let's take care of my in-laws.
Chueco, easy, get some air.
Think about it.
Think about it.
You want war? I'll give you war.
Will you leave your friends?
I can talk to them on videocall.
And will you score goals on videocall?
You're the striker of your team!
Chueco, I play defense.
Then defend me from this outrage.
Don't you see the Chihuahua plan is crazy?
Grandpa was rodeo champion
riding bulls, do you think he'll teach me?
Yes, great idea.
Maybe if you hit your head,
it'll start working.
CHUECO: Look, Martín,
honestly, this doesn't make any sense.
You in Chihu... Oops.
Who were you talking to, honey?
Nobody.
I thought I heard a weird voice.
-What... what...?
-(coughs)
(in low voice) Maybe you heard
my voice is changing. See?
I scare myself when I hear it
because I don't recognize it, see?
No way!
We all have to make sacrifices
for Juan's dream.
(smooches)
No, we have to prevent him from making
an international fool of himself.
I feel worse imagining him
playing with the French
than me sleeping with the horses.
CHUECO: Oops!
Who were you talking to, honey?
Uh, I was imitating Juan.
(clears throat)
Rain drops on the street
are like the tears of a beautiful llama.
(laughs)
Too bad your mom didn't have the chance
to instill her sense of fashion in you.
She spent more years with you,
and I see that wasn't enough time, either.
Your father is spoiling you so much.
In my times, things were different.
Probably that's why Mom left home
so young, right? When she was 18?
You know? We have a foal
at the ranch that was very wild,
but, eventually, we tamed it.
Thanks for your advice, Grandma.
(no audio)
Are you decent, Delfi?
No, you can't see me.
Come in, Chueco.
What did one gardener say
to another gardener?
What?
"Let's have a good thyme while we can."
(laughing)
You didn't like it.
I'm not in the mood for your jokes.
Okay. You don't seem too excited
about the fantastic Chihuahua plan.
I'm ecstatic!
Your grandma wasn't good to you.
I almost said two words to her.
She would have been speechless forever.
That wouldn't be so bad.
She's been mad at me
ever since my mom got pregnant with me,
because my parents had me
before getting married,
and that was like a kick
from the three of us to her.
-What does your dad say?
-Not much.
He's always put up with it. You know him.
Too cool.
They always thought he was beneath my mom.
You don't want to go to Chihuahua.
Honestly, I'd rather
you ripped off my nails.
Talk to your dad, he'll listen to you.
(kisses)
Merci, Paris, and it starts.
Fugue in C major.
(vocalizing)
Arpeggio.
Dad...
(vocalizing continues)
Dad...
-Dad!
-What?
-We need to talk.
-Okay.
Anyway, I'm glad you're here.
I'm composing something,
and I need an honest opinion,
musician to musician.
Will you join me?
Okay.
Bonjour.
Okay. And here it goes. It goes.
-Ready?
-For a couple of hours.
Okay.
(piano playing)
In crescendo.
Arpeggio.
Grand finale.
(piano playing continuously)
Thank you, Paris. I love you.
What an honest applause. My loves...
What do you think? Too pompous, isn't it?
-I can improve my French, but...
-Dad...
You'll do great.
Not because I'm your daughter...
Well, a little yes.
But you're very talented,
and you'll leave them speechless.
I love you.
I love you, Dad.
What did you want to tell me?
You look worried.
It's not important.
Okay. Bonjour, Paris, and I start.
No way...
Mother-in-law, I'm going to buy
a bigger suitcase.
I need more space for the smoking
and my underwear.
Juan, I'll go with you.
I want to buy a Chihuahua guide
to learn about the culture of the area.
That's my son. Let's go.
Juan, wait! I'll go with you
and you drop me downtown.
Chueco left the fridge
as empty as his brain.
Ma'am, please, would you
look after the kids until I come back?
-Sure.
-The lunch is in the kitchen.
How do I...? Do I have to make...? What?
Just grab a spoon and serve it.
(grunts)
(screams)
This is for you, Martincito. There.
Thank you. That's enough.
I talked to the ranch
so your rooms are ready.
You're fast, Grandma.
Yours is the one with the most sunlight,
so you lose that gravedigger face.
Thank you, Grandma.
If it's the room furthest from yours,
that's enough.
Why is the monkey here?
Didn't you take it to the garden?
If she calls me monkey again,
she'll have a spaghetti hat.
Come on, beast. Go to the garage.
(gibbering)
That monkey can't stay still.
-Hey.
-I saw you. There.
-Where did you get that?
-Hey, kids, no games at the table.
Kids, no. Don't go along with this monkey.
He started it!
What is a dog dentist's favorite tooth?
A canine!
(Chueco chuckles)
One more. Don't trust atoms,
they make up everything.
Chueco, it's not time for jokes.
Because of you, we won't go to Chihuahua.
But I did you a favor.
Your grandma went crazy
for just two drops.
Two drops, Chueco?
That was a deliberate accident.
But an accident.
No more laughs and talks.
You two, what do you have to say?
We're sorry,
and we'll face the consequences.
And we understand if you don't want
to take us to Chihuahua.
What are you saying?
We'll have a great time.
This doesn't change anything.
Our home needs a little life.
Don't tell your grandma I said this.
Keep the secret and tidy downstairs.
Come on!
One, two, one, two...
And you wait,
I need to talk to you, chimp.
I was wrestling champion
for many years, you know?
With that number you did downstairs,
I think you'd be a good sparring partner.
I promise,
when you finish training with me,
you'll end up as meek as a lamb.
(whimpers)
Oh, no...
I don't think taking the children
is a good idea.
Why not? They're good kids.
They're wild and they talk to themselves.
You too. All day long.
I talk to you, but you don't listen.
They talk to themselves,
and with an Argentinian accent.
You probably heard your son-in-law.
You know Argentinians,
they can never shut up.
I think he's bringing his family
from there and he's hiding them here.
And he's probably hiding
the National Team in the basement, huh?
And you hear Messi say,
"I want water, I want bread."
Calm down, relax.
Let's sleep. Good night.
Talk to themselves...
(thuds)
MALE VOICE: ♪ Rain drops on the street ♪
♪ Are like the tears
of a beautiful llama ♪
Vicente?
MALE VOICE: No.
♪ It's Federico from Plata
Argentinian ghost ♪
♪ But you can call me Fede ♪
♪ This is my home and I will never leave ♪
♪ Go away! ♪
(gasps)
-What's that monkey doing there?
-(gibbers)
Roberto!
Roberto.
Roberto.
Roberto.
What?
You'll give me a heart attack. What's up?
Look, this house is haunted.
I heard it again.
There's a ghost, it's Argentinian.
From La Plata.
It's name is Federico,
but it wants to be called Fede.
Then tell Fede to make you
a chorizo sandwich.
Let me sleep, please!
-Roberto.
-Fede...
Chueco, grab your suitcases.
We're leaving.
What? What do you mean we're leaving?
All of us?
Yes, look. You'll travel here.
What? I won't travel in a cage.
Am I a dog? Come on, throw me a ball.
No, look. We even got you a ball
so you have fun.
But... what happened?
Grandma thinks there's a ghost here.
-A ghost?
-It's Argentinian.
-Argentinian?
-From La Plata.
-From...?
-From La Plata?
Did you get hungry last night, chimp?
Yes, I went to get some cookies but...
Amanda, you're not thinking
I was the one who...
Look, this woman is totally crazy.
We have to leave
before it manifests violently.
Time out. Let's all take a deep breath.
I'm leaving on tour in two weeks.
Come on, Juan. You'll have more time
to prepare your repertoire.
Come on, father-in-law.
No, I want to stay with the kids.
But you can go now
and the kids will go later by bus.
We need to talk.
-Oh, Roberto.
-Please, calm down.
-Look me in the eyes, breathe.
-Yes.
There. Exhale... Calm down. Again. There.
See, you can control yourself?
No! You have to talk to him now.
Talk to whom?
The pianist. I'm having a breakdown.
I smell a monkey here.
Calm down, please,
I'll call him in a moment.
-Air.
-It's me!
What are you doing?
I need you to listen closely.
This is the result of research
done with the FBI.
Uh-huh?
It all began with a conversation
overheard in the kitchen at this address.
Subjects A and B,
suspects, or grandparents,
mentioned a pianist, subject X,
also called "unknown."
Chueco, please. I'm in a hurry
and I haven't packed yet.
After doing research on social media,
I found out
subjects A and B,
suspects, or grandparents,
are part of the board of a foundation
that in turn supports
other foundations which in turn
support another foundation,
which is the one we're interested in. FAH.
FAH?
The foundation that will take
maestro Joao Pretzel on tour.
-So?
-What do you mean "so"?
Your grandparents are involved
in the hiring of maestro Pretzel,
who, in turn, hired your dad.
That's why they arrived
just when he got the offer.
Why, you ask? To send him away
so they can take you to Chihuahua.
Yes. I think you've watched
too many detective series.
What? You've got to believe me.
I know my grandparents can be... special.
But this is too much even for them.
What?
Come on, take the dog pill for the trip,
you'll need it.
No!
Change of plans, maestro Pretzel.
Yes, you have to come now.
It's an emergency.
(indistinct chatters over cell phone)
What?
Are you in the middle of a concert?
How did you answer?
Yes, you're a very good pianist.
Excuse me, continue with Tchaikovsky.
Del, what are you saying?
Okay, I didn't believe it at first either,
but Chueco was right.
They planned this to get you away from us.
Chueco, Chueco, I'm sick of it.
He's been trying to boycott me
from the beginning. Let me live.
I heard Grandpa talking to that pianist.
I wouldn't make it up.
I know, honey,
but how many Joao Pretzels are there
in the world? Millions, probably.
Two. He was talking to the other one.
Don't think so little
of your grandparents.
But they've always
made your life impossible.
That's not true.
And when they burned your car
so you didn't get to the wedding?
It wasn't like that.
Grandpa tried to fix my battery.
He mixed up the cables. It happens.
And when he shot you from the window
when you went to meet them?
No. I was wearing a black sweater.
Grandpa confused me with a magpie.
Two shots. It can happen, honey.
And when they hired a criminal
to go after you?
That hasn't been proven.
He even wrote them an invoice.
Invoices can be forged, Del, stop it.
Were they difficult? Yes.
But Mom was their daughter,
and they wanted the best for her.
And now they want the best for us,
so they want us away from you.
Del, what would Mom think
if she heard you talking like that?
Fine, fine.
Let's see if you change your mind
when that pianist shows up here.
That will never happen.
(door bell dings)
It could be anybody.
It'll be anybody.
(sighs) Hello!
Jo...
-Jo...
-You.
-Joa... Joa...
-Me? Joao Pretzel.
-Joao... Joao Pretzel.
-I told you.
(piano playing)
Stand up immediately.
I'm sorry, I got carried away.
I thought a tour de force was a good idea.
I can show you the works
I've been composing for our tour.
What makes you think
you'll play the piano on the tour?
(laughing)
But that's what I was hired to do.
You were hired to tune the piano
for my concerts.
-I may die now.
-No, Juan, please.
It's a crucial job.
It's like being
the mechanic for a race car.
But I'm a pianist, not a tuner.
You should be more modest, Juan.
Maybe in time, you can help
the maestro with the scores.
You want to separate us.
You know what?
My in-laws never liked me either.
This gentleman is a good man.
Here's your money.
I'm sorry, I can't keep up this farce.
That's not our money.
We don't even know you.
I have to go.
I'll call you to organize
some other concert together.
I'd love to.
-Excuse me.
-Go ahead.
I can't believe
what you've tried to do
to separate me from my kids.
The children would be better off with us.
This house is chaos
ever since my daughter passed away.
This house is not chaos at all.
Maybe a little.
But it's our chaos.
-I won't go anywhere with you.
-Count me out.
Count me out, too.
CHUECO: No way.
-Who said that?
-The ghost.
Nobody leaves this house.
Okay, some are leaving now.
♪ Chueco ♪
(closing theme music playing)
(music playing)
Let yourself go.
Roberto...
Roberto...
Roberto!
(screaming)
(both screaming)
(closing theme music playing)
"THE IN-LAWS"
Hey!
Those bananas are for the cake.
Ah! Banana bread?
Don't add cinnamon.
It makes my belly burn.
Oh, look.
(grunting)
This cake is not for you.
You are a chimp,
and chimps eat chimp food.
We apes eat banana.
What are you doing?
No! Chueco...
Oops, they're gone.
You'll have to buy more.
No, I think I'll make chimp cake.
Peace and love, Amandita.
You look burned.
Give me a box of matches
and I'll burn something
that will solve my problems forever.
(both grunting)
(screaming from a distance)
What happened?
Ay!
You had a heart attack.
I knew that beast was too much for us.
No. Chueco, here. Fan me.
No. I got a call. An offer I can't refuse.
What? Was it an appointment
to put more hair on your head?
I was called by the foundation
Firmament and Harmony, FAH.
They offered for me
to collaborate with them.
Juan, don't accept,
or you'll end up in a clan,
with a shaved head and blue eyebrows.
It's a musical foundation.
They want me to collaborate
with world-renowned maestro
Joao Pretzel on his tour.
Applause for Juan Gustozzi!
Ah, you were pranked by the radio again.
No, Chueco. Look. Confirmation email.
The tour will take place
in London, Madrid, and Paris.
I love Paris.
Bonjour, Paris,
je suis le pianiste Juan Gustozzi.
And why did they choose you?
Well, maybe
because I'm a renowned pianist.
A colleague recommended me.
But you've been out of that circuit
for a very long time.
Maybe it was a colleague with good memory.
Yes, or one with very bad memory. Ha!
Okay, stop it!
It's the best news ever.
Aren't you happy for me?
-How long?
-Three months.
Your children will be very happy
when they learn
their dad will tour for three months
and they're left to their fate.
Fan me, Chueco, fan me.
I didn't think of that.
Who will take care of the children?
I offer to be the head of the family.
Ten pesos each,
and they can fend for themselves.
Yeah, I'd be really cool with that plan.
It's okay, Chueco.
Amandita, my queen, what is three months?
Twelve weeks, 90 days, 2,160 hours...
Okay.
Delfina is a grown-up, she can help.
Vicente acts as if he was my dad,
and Martín doesn't speak.
Two looks, and that's it.
If there isn't an emergency.
Broken bones, party, chaos...
No, no, Juan. Don't ask me that.
You know my trauma.
Uh, what trauma?
When I was a kid, a friend of mine
asked me to look after her chick.
And the cat ate it.
I lost chick, cat, and friend.
-What happened to the cat?
-It choked on the chick.
Juan, it's too much responsibility for me.
Please, Amanda, please.
Please!
Really?
Will you leave me alone
with this chimp tormenting me all day?
Juan, Grandpa and Grandma are here.
What?
Catalina, Roberto,
it's so nice you came unannounced.
We're here for business.
We wanted to surprise you.
And you did, you did.
(Juan and Roberto laughing)
Well, well, well. Won't you come say hi
to your favorite grandparents?
-Come here!
-Come on, Del, smile. Hug.
Oh, honey.
Martín, my boy, you're growing a mustache.
Yes.
And you, Vicente, my little bookworm.
My girl, don't go!
You're always so, so, so...
I'm going to give you a good concealer,
it'll work wonders.
Thank you, Grandma.
I love your hairdo,
it's ideal for the coven.
Let's study.
Del, you had to study, go study.
Amandita!
You don't know how much I missed you
since you stopped working with us.
Oh, but that was so long ago, ma'am.
Don't be so formal, we're like sisters.
So much like sisters
that you know exactly
how I like to fold my clothes,
when you pick up my suitcases and unpack.
Oh, that won't be possible, I'm sorry.
You know, yesterday,
I felt a pull in this muscle
called "I don't feel like it."
It's very painful. Very painful.
So go rest, Amanda, easy.
I'll take care of the suitcases.
Let me introduce you
to the new member of the family.
What an ugly monkey.
It's not a monkey, Grandma.
It's a Pan troglodytes.
It's the closest to a human being.
It even has opposable thumbs
on its hands and feet.
They outdo us in that.
No, no, no, this kid reads too much.
That's not good.
Chueco, you're so romantic. Easy.
You have another grandkid.
It smells like dead rat.
No, Grandma.
On the contrary, he's a dandy.
He even waxes his armpits.
We do that together.
That's too much information.
What do I do with 500 heads?
Make it 1,000, I told him!
I had forgotten
the ranch was so big, in-law.
You haven't visited us in so long...
Every time we want to go, you're away.
You always choose
the worst time, the holidays.
Yes, it's my fault.
-Oh.
-Oh, I scared.
Does the monkey always sit with you
at the table? How unhygienic.
No, he never does.
But he's very happy now.
You'll leave soon, huh, Chueco.
(gibbers)
Juan, and that tour you're doing,
it sounds important.
No, it's very important.
Very few concert pianists
are called for events of this magnitude.
But, sadly, it's too long,
and the kids, so...
No, not at all!
The kids will come to the ranch with us,
right, Roberto?
That would be cool! Sure!
No, it'd be very cool.
I appreciate your generosity,
but it's three months.
Please, they're our grandchildren.
They're coming with us, that's it.
And Amandita too.
Amandita, would you agree to that?
That would solve the problems,
and you could go on tour.
Okay, then, say no more.
(gibbering)
The beast got violent.
No, please, it's the call of the jungle.
Yes!
And we're going to pick up that call.
Easy, Chuequito.
He's really crazy today.
We're going to sit here for a sec.
I'll be back in a sec.
Shh! Calm down.
Juan, this is a disaster.
Look me in the eyes.
Do you think I'm a fool?
-No.
-I think you do.
I'm not part of the Chihuahua plan.
JUAN: Look me in the eyes.
Juan talks to himself.
Yes, he's convincing himself.
Since he started Gestalt therapy.
Argentinians are weird, they're so weird.
Yes, I agree.
If there's no Chihuahua,
would you fit me in your suitcase?
No, don't make that face.
Chueco, I can't take you to Europe.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Look how excited I am, look at me.
Let me fulfill my dream.
But you have a talking ape
that pays your bills.
A bigger dream than that, Juan?
You're right. I won't leave you.
But I'll think of something. Let's go.
In-laws...
I'd gladly accept
this generous offer from you,
but you'd have to include Chueco.
What?
Of course.
The monkey comes too.
It's the family's pet, isn't it?
Right. Did you hear, monkey?
See I was right?
But of course the monkey
wouldn't sleep inside the house.
No, of course not.
But we'll make space for him in the barn.
So he can eat and sleep
with the other animals.
-(Chueco gibbering)
-He liked the idea.
No, no, Chueco. Easy, easy.
In the barn?
Dragged to live with the filthy animals.
Eating dry grass like a common beast.
Without being able to talk. No way!
No. Listen, Chueco, wait.
My in-laws' facilities are...
-Very small.
-No! They're huge.
-And the kids can visit you.
-Once a month.
No, Amanda. Every day.
And bring you bananas.
No, it's too long.
I won't be able to stand it.
See, now you're not so funny.
This will teach you
not to make jokes to everybody.
Thank you, Amanda.
Let's take care of my in-laws.
Chueco, easy, get some air.
Think about it.
Think about it.
You want war? I'll give you war.
Will you leave your friends?
I can talk to them on videocall.
And will you score goals on videocall?
You're the striker of your team!
Chueco, I play defense.
Then defend me from this outrage.
Don't you see the Chihuahua plan is crazy?
Grandpa was rodeo champion
riding bulls, do you think he'll teach me?
Yes, great idea.
Maybe if you hit your head,
it'll start working.
CHUECO: Look, Martín,
honestly, this doesn't make any sense.
You in Chihu... Oops.
Who were you talking to, honey?
Nobody.
I thought I heard a weird voice.
-What... what...?
-(coughs)
(in low voice) Maybe you heard
my voice is changing. See?
I scare myself when I hear it
because I don't recognize it, see?
No way!
We all have to make sacrifices
for Juan's dream.
(smooches)
No, we have to prevent him from making
an international fool of himself.
I feel worse imagining him
playing with the French
than me sleeping with the horses.
CHUECO: Oops!
Who were you talking to, honey?
Uh, I was imitating Juan.
(clears throat)
Rain drops on the street
are like the tears of a beautiful llama.
(laughs)
Too bad your mom didn't have the chance
to instill her sense of fashion in you.
She spent more years with you,
and I see that wasn't enough time, either.
Your father is spoiling you so much.
In my times, things were different.
Probably that's why Mom left home
so young, right? When she was 18?
You know? We have a foal
at the ranch that was very wild,
but, eventually, we tamed it.
Thanks for your advice, Grandma.
(no audio)
Are you decent, Delfi?
No, you can't see me.
Come in, Chueco.
What did one gardener say
to another gardener?
What?
"Let's have a good thyme while we can."
(laughing)
You didn't like it.
I'm not in the mood for your jokes.
Okay. You don't seem too excited
about the fantastic Chihuahua plan.
I'm ecstatic!
Your grandma wasn't good to you.
I almost said two words to her.
She would have been speechless forever.
That wouldn't be so bad.
She's been mad at me
ever since my mom got pregnant with me,
because my parents had me
before getting married,
and that was like a kick
from the three of us to her.
-What does your dad say?
-Not much.
He's always put up with it. You know him.
Too cool.
They always thought he was beneath my mom.
You don't want to go to Chihuahua.
Honestly, I'd rather
you ripped off my nails.
Talk to your dad, he'll listen to you.
(kisses)
Merci, Paris, and it starts.
Fugue in C major.
(vocalizing)
Arpeggio.
Dad...
(vocalizing continues)
Dad...
-Dad!
-What?
-We need to talk.
-Okay.
Anyway, I'm glad you're here.
I'm composing something,
and I need an honest opinion,
musician to musician.
Will you join me?
Okay.
Bonjour.
Okay. And here it goes. It goes.
-Ready?
-For a couple of hours.
Okay.
(piano playing)
In crescendo.
Arpeggio.
Grand finale.
(piano playing continuously)
Thank you, Paris. I love you.
What an honest applause. My loves...
What do you think? Too pompous, isn't it?
-I can improve my French, but...
-Dad...
You'll do great.
Not because I'm your daughter...
Well, a little yes.
But you're very talented,
and you'll leave them speechless.
I love you.
I love you, Dad.
What did you want to tell me?
You look worried.
It's not important.
Okay. Bonjour, Paris, and I start.
No way...
Mother-in-law, I'm going to buy
a bigger suitcase.
I need more space for the smoking
and my underwear.
Juan, I'll go with you.
I want to buy a Chihuahua guide
to learn about the culture of the area.
That's my son. Let's go.
Juan, wait! I'll go with you
and you drop me downtown.
Chueco left the fridge
as empty as his brain.
Ma'am, please, would you
look after the kids until I come back?
-Sure.
-The lunch is in the kitchen.
How do I...? Do I have to make...? What?
Just grab a spoon and serve it.
(grunts)
(screams)
This is for you, Martincito. There.
Thank you. That's enough.
I talked to the ranch
so your rooms are ready.
You're fast, Grandma.
Yours is the one with the most sunlight,
so you lose that gravedigger face.
Thank you, Grandma.
If it's the room furthest from yours,
that's enough.
Why is the monkey here?
Didn't you take it to the garden?
If she calls me monkey again,
she'll have a spaghetti hat.
Come on, beast. Go to the garage.
(gibbering)
That monkey can't stay still.
-Hey.
-I saw you. There.
-Where did you get that?
-Hey, kids, no games at the table.
Kids, no. Don't go along with this monkey.
He started it!
What is a dog dentist's favorite tooth?
A canine!
(Chueco chuckles)
One more. Don't trust atoms,
they make up everything.
Chueco, it's not time for jokes.
Because of you, we won't go to Chihuahua.
But I did you a favor.
Your grandma went crazy
for just two drops.
Two drops, Chueco?
That was a deliberate accident.
But an accident.
No more laughs and talks.
You two, what do you have to say?
We're sorry,
and we'll face the consequences.
And we understand if you don't want
to take us to Chihuahua.
What are you saying?
We'll have a great time.
This doesn't change anything.
Our home needs a little life.
Don't tell your grandma I said this.
Keep the secret and tidy downstairs.
Come on!
One, two, one, two...
And you wait,
I need to talk to you, chimp.
I was wrestling champion
for many years, you know?
With that number you did downstairs,
I think you'd be a good sparring partner.
I promise,
when you finish training with me,
you'll end up as meek as a lamb.
(whimpers)
Oh, no...
I don't think taking the children
is a good idea.
Why not? They're good kids.
They're wild and they talk to themselves.
You too. All day long.
I talk to you, but you don't listen.
They talk to themselves,
and with an Argentinian accent.
You probably heard your son-in-law.
You know Argentinians,
they can never shut up.
I think he's bringing his family
from there and he's hiding them here.
And he's probably hiding
the National Team in the basement, huh?
And you hear Messi say,
"I want water, I want bread."
Calm down, relax.
Let's sleep. Good night.
Talk to themselves...
(thuds)
MALE VOICE: ♪ Rain drops on the street ♪
♪ Are like the tears
of a beautiful llama ♪
Vicente?
MALE VOICE: No.
♪ It's Federico from Plata
Argentinian ghost ♪
♪ But you can call me Fede ♪
♪ This is my home and I will never leave ♪
♪ Go away! ♪
(gasps)
-What's that monkey doing there?
-(gibbers)
Roberto!
Roberto.
Roberto.
Roberto.
What?
You'll give me a heart attack. What's up?
Look, this house is haunted.
I heard it again.
There's a ghost, it's Argentinian.
From La Plata.
It's name is Federico,
but it wants to be called Fede.
Then tell Fede to make you
a chorizo sandwich.
Let me sleep, please!
-Roberto.
-Fede...
Chueco, grab your suitcases.
We're leaving.
What? What do you mean we're leaving?
All of us?
Yes, look. You'll travel here.
What? I won't travel in a cage.
Am I a dog? Come on, throw me a ball.
No, look. We even got you a ball
so you have fun.
But... what happened?
Grandma thinks there's a ghost here.
-A ghost?
-It's Argentinian.
-Argentinian?
-From La Plata.
-From...?
-From La Plata?
Did you get hungry last night, chimp?
Yes, I went to get some cookies but...
Amanda, you're not thinking
I was the one who...
Look, this woman is totally crazy.
We have to leave
before it manifests violently.
Time out. Let's all take a deep breath.
I'm leaving on tour in two weeks.
Come on, Juan. You'll have more time
to prepare your repertoire.
Come on, father-in-law.
No, I want to stay with the kids.
But you can go now
and the kids will go later by bus.
We need to talk.
-Oh, Roberto.
-Please, calm down.
-Look me in the eyes, breathe.
-Yes.
There. Exhale... Calm down. Again. There.
See, you can control yourself?
No! You have to talk to him now.
Talk to whom?
The pianist. I'm having a breakdown.
I smell a monkey here.
Calm down, please,
I'll call him in a moment.
-Air.
-It's me!
What are you doing?
I need you to listen closely.
This is the result of research
done with the FBI.
Uh-huh?
It all began with a conversation
overheard in the kitchen at this address.
Subjects A and B,
suspects, or grandparents,
mentioned a pianist, subject X,
also called "unknown."
Chueco, please. I'm in a hurry
and I haven't packed yet.
After doing research on social media,
I found out
subjects A and B,
suspects, or grandparents,
are part of the board of a foundation
that in turn supports
other foundations which in turn
support another foundation,
which is the one we're interested in. FAH.
FAH?
The foundation that will take
maestro Joao Pretzel on tour.
-So?
-What do you mean "so"?
Your grandparents are involved
in the hiring of maestro Pretzel,
who, in turn, hired your dad.
That's why they arrived
just when he got the offer.
Why, you ask? To send him away
so they can take you to Chihuahua.
Yes. I think you've watched
too many detective series.
What? You've got to believe me.
I know my grandparents can be... special.
But this is too much even for them.
What?
Come on, take the dog pill for the trip,
you'll need it.
No!
Change of plans, maestro Pretzel.
Yes, you have to come now.
It's an emergency.
(indistinct chatters over cell phone)
What?
Are you in the middle of a concert?
How did you answer?
Yes, you're a very good pianist.
Excuse me, continue with Tchaikovsky.
Del, what are you saying?
Okay, I didn't believe it at first either,
but Chueco was right.
They planned this to get you away from us.
Chueco, Chueco, I'm sick of it.
He's been trying to boycott me
from the beginning. Let me live.
I heard Grandpa talking to that pianist.
I wouldn't make it up.
I know, honey,
but how many Joao Pretzels are there
in the world? Millions, probably.
Two. He was talking to the other one.
Don't think so little
of your grandparents.
But they've always
made your life impossible.
That's not true.
And when they burned your car
so you didn't get to the wedding?
It wasn't like that.
Grandpa tried to fix my battery.
He mixed up the cables. It happens.
And when he shot you from the window
when you went to meet them?
No. I was wearing a black sweater.
Grandpa confused me with a magpie.
Two shots. It can happen, honey.
And when they hired a criminal
to go after you?
That hasn't been proven.
He even wrote them an invoice.
Invoices can be forged, Del, stop it.
Were they difficult? Yes.
But Mom was their daughter,
and they wanted the best for her.
And now they want the best for us,
so they want us away from you.
Del, what would Mom think
if she heard you talking like that?
Fine, fine.
Let's see if you change your mind
when that pianist shows up here.
That will never happen.
(door bell dings)
It could be anybody.
It'll be anybody.
(sighs) Hello!
Jo...
-Jo...
-You.
-Joa... Joa...
-Me? Joao Pretzel.
-Joao... Joao Pretzel.
-I told you.
(piano playing)
Stand up immediately.
I'm sorry, I got carried away.
I thought a tour de force was a good idea.
I can show you the works
I've been composing for our tour.
What makes you think
you'll play the piano on the tour?
(laughing)
But that's what I was hired to do.
You were hired to tune the piano
for my concerts.
-I may die now.
-No, Juan, please.
It's a crucial job.
It's like being
the mechanic for a race car.
But I'm a pianist, not a tuner.
You should be more modest, Juan.
Maybe in time, you can help
the maestro with the scores.
You want to separate us.
You know what?
My in-laws never liked me either.
This gentleman is a good man.
Here's your money.
I'm sorry, I can't keep up this farce.
That's not our money.
We don't even know you.
I have to go.
I'll call you to organize
some other concert together.
I'd love to.
-Excuse me.
-Go ahead.
I can't believe
what you've tried to do
to separate me from my kids.
The children would be better off with us.
This house is chaos
ever since my daughter passed away.
This house is not chaos at all.
Maybe a little.
But it's our chaos.
-I won't go anywhere with you.
-Count me out.
Count me out, too.
CHUECO: No way.
-Who said that?
-The ghost.
Nobody leaves this house.
Okay, some are leaving now.
♪ Chueco ♪
(closing theme music playing)
(music playing)
Let yourself go.
Roberto...
Roberto...
Roberto!
(screaming)
(both screaming)
(closing theme music playing)