Burb Patrol (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - White and Woke - full transcript

You're late

I know but I had an excuse.

Twitter or Facebook?

Twitter and it wouldn't take so long
if they just had more characters.

[Over Radio] Randall hq please respond

Randall, coming in.

Okay they find out that I'm late they're gonna

have my head. Okay? So you
gotta cover for me. Please

[Over radio] Have you seen Alex
he hasn't punched in this morning?

Yep yep I'm right here ready to go.

[over radio] Alex are you just getting in?

No, I've been here all morning just working.
You know doing the old worky work, the big W.

You can ask Randall, he's right here.

[over radio] Randall

He was 55 minutes late.

[over radio] Damnit Alex!

There we go perfect put your hand higher yeah it

looks like you're spraying
it looks like you did that.

Yes yes give me cleaning make
sure I look kind of dirty

Yeah it's like you've been
here all day like working hard

We're totally going viral

We're exhausted, it's going viral.

Racism is over!

Racism is over!

Good afternoon gentlemen

We weren't doing anything so

Good afternoon officers

Oh yeah we're not the police

Oh they're not the cops

alright you can try to oppress us all you
want but you will not stifle the movement.

Yeah we have a right to protest
and you're not gonna stop that

No one's trying to stop you okay relax aren't
you a lawyer can you calm your boy down.

I used to be until I was taken down by the
establishment. They started saying I wasn't

a lawyer because i didn't want to go to the bar or
some [__] but it was probably some elitist bar

where they tell the media what to
report on. You know how the system is.

I was trying to hold this back.

Yeah yeah I'm sure it's tough for the wealthy
whites out there right now can't catch a break.

Okay so the death of black lives is a joke to you?

When did I say that? Did I say that?

Millions of black people die every
day at the hand of the police.

That's just not true

Oh I told you that fox news?

No statistics. If millions
of black people died every

day the entire race would be gone in like a month.

Interesting so you know exactly how long
it would take to kill all black people?

Are you surprised that the
establishment is in on it?

No no I'm just surprised you guys
even heard about the movement from

all the way up in your little ivory tower.

Who told you about our treehouse?

I'll have you know my nanny growing
up was jamaican and that's like

original black so i know what
you guys are going through.

Yeah plus we've been hashtagging
all of our lacrosse lifestyle posts

with black lives matter so.

Well that's brave you know it's awesome you
guys are out here fighting for the good. Yeah,

screaming black lives matter meanwhile your
parents are the ones donating thousands of

dollars to politicians that make the
laws that say that they don't matter.

At least we're trying to do something to
break this system what have you been doing?


[__] i run a bubba wallace fan page

Oh that's surprising

How long did you cry when
Bubba died from Forrest Gump?

Wow I'm still not over it are you?

No i cried this morning

I think Alex Caruso's the devil!

Who's Alex Caruso

Who is that

He's on the lakers. He's like only white guy
so he's like we hate him because he's white

I don't support that actually.

Okay cool okay yeah okay well i
only play the black keys on piano.

Okay so you can decipher from white and
black on the piano that's very interesting.

Have you ever used Aunt Jemima?

Did you know Beethoven was black?

I would never.

Wait was black Beethoven was black.

You know wha... You know wha..
Of course but we all, I knew that!

Can we agree that Beethoven was black on three.

One, two, three Beethoven was black

I matched with a black girl on tinder and
i almost went on a date with her but my

grandma wouldn't let me because
she's racist but i wanted to go

Yeah my friend's dad was black

You know what i'd like to do after...

Hello this is Randall all right is there
anything going on at the present moment?

No let's just enjoy the silence.

Yeah i wish it was silent everywhere

I don't sleep with a night
light because I like it darker.

Upon further review i don't think super
hearing will be my superpower anymore.

I'm not a big fan of regular hearing
right now if I can be honest.

Who's your favorite member of the black eyed peas?


Just the word black at the start of it

That's why you guys got the stupid
shirts whites for black faces.

Yeah we love black faces

We love your face

Do you not support black faces?

You don't support black faces just white faces?

Do you guys put black faces on?

What do you mean?

What are you talking about?

Are you guys like racist jabba walkies?


You think they paint their faces?

It's not paint that's a skin color

White people paint their faces to look like them

so that they can dance better
I'm sure everybody knows that

I did not know that and it's funny that
you knew that because you are white.

Because i want to make sure of all the things
that i do not do so i don't contradict myself

in the future when I'm arguing with two people in
the park you don't understand what black face is

I'm just gonna ask you flat
out do you support blackface?

Do i support black faces or black face

Black both.

That's a trick question.

When's the last time you've
been in church's chicken?

When was the last time you went
to a southern baptist church and

waved the fan in your face for three hours?

Last Tuesday.

Really, which one?

Yeah you're probably allergic
to the shirt color huh?

God's first assembly.

Right here yeah i wear this so
i can feel like Black Panther.

What color is your shirt?

My favorite

I've seen the princess and the frog twice

I saw black panther 17 times

I don't even have the color black
in my vocabulary. I have dark white.

I blink twice as often so i can see darkness more

I never blink so i don't want to
miss any black people walking by

God that's nice of you i would I'm
going to start doing that probably.

Yeah in middle school i only showed up
to the classes that had black teachers

i haven't graduated high school
yet yeah i don't give a [__]

Yeah i hate half of Lenny Kravitz


Randall, can you gonna settle this?

I'm happier that you're here now.

Thank god I feel so much safer.

Relax okay, these two woke individuals
think that they know what's best for the

black community and how they can help.
Okay, will you please do me a favor?

Yes i got it so...

Go get me a piece of paper out of
the squad car so we can make a list

of our experiences because it's not even close.

Okay listen up white, whiter, and whitest.
Whilst I admire your ambitions about trying to,

you know, help out the black
community and make it a better place

for all of us. But may i give you a couple
suggestions you know probably could help

I'll listen to anything you have to say

Could you guys do me a huge favor

Of course

Anything for a black guy

and try shutting the heck up

alright. All this it's not I did it more you did
it less it's not my fault it's your fault all this

blaming and there are people's lives out there
dying and you guys are making it all about you.

Alright we're in this together the only way to get
through this together is to remember that. Alright

I couldn't agree more.

Shut up! At the end of the day
it's my face on a chopping block

not yours so no matter how woke you guys
are you guys get to go home with no problem.

So what you guys need to do for once instead of
trying to figure out what the black person needs

is how about you ask what a black
person needs and actually listen.

Aright what do you need?

You know what I need? I need to figure out
who the [__] decided to put [__] raisins

on potato salad? Alright that's what
i want to talk about and another thing

let's talk about Eminem all right cause
that's some [__]. Wait wait wait wait

okay on our way, thank you. Make sure you
guys clean this [__] as a matter of fact

if you're gonna keep this here make
sure you sign your guy's name on there

okay. So when the media gets this [__] they
know it's you guys faces that did it not mine.

Yes sir

What's your name?

uh connor

What's your name? put the [__
] down i don't want to hear it

You said 1380?

Yeah come on

1380, 13th amendment about slavery
80 randy moss my boss is black [__]


I sincerely apologize for my outburst earlier
it was unprofessional and it won't happen again.

But seriously what's with the raisins i mean
do you people just not like potato salad and

you just want to ruin it for everybody sorry.
And eminem okay, it's not that I'm saying that

he's a bad rapper it's just that you guys
make him sound like he created words and...

I'm gonna take my 15.