Bunheads (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 8 - Blank Up, It's Time - full transcript

Previously on Bunheads...

I remember this song being much shorter.

Thank God she's back tomorrow.

Fanny extended her trip.

She's not coming back until next week.

- What?!
- Still no Sasha today.

- I know, missing class.
- Maybe she finally got in trouble.

- We thought you were in military school.
- No, we didn't.

We just thought you got busted.

They gave you a credit
card for being a jerk.

- What did I miss?
- We're talking about Fanny's rules.



Oh, you tell her about walking on sand?

- She has rules for everything.
- Swimming, piano lessons,

- reading... all fine.
- No eating after sundown.

- Avoiding direct sunlight.
- You know you can't even be a minute late

for class... Fanny's rule, not mine.

- Fanny's not here.
- She's not here, but her class is,

her studio is and her
rules sure as hell are.

( Birds chirping )
( Melanie sighs )

Melanie: Another Saturday. Boned.

When are we ever going
to have a weekend off?

When we're 40 and too old to enjoy it.

We have ballet all morning...

and then a fun-filled three-hour
leadership conference at school.

I had to sit through that last year.



A million community leaders
yammering on and on and on.

- Our community has leaders?
- Just wait till you experience

Pete from Pete's pesticides
and his take on punctuality.

It's inspiring.

- Hi, girls.
- Hey.

Boo, what are those for?

They're for madame Fanny.
It's a welcome-back bouquet.

What's wrong?

Those are freeway flowers.

- You can tell?
- They're already turning brown.

And there are more daisies than roses.
That's always a telltale sign.

And all this baby's breath
screams "cheap."

Baby's breath is the curly
parsley of the flower world.

Isn't it the thought that counts?

Remember Kate Hutchins? Little redhead?

She brought freeway flowers one year.

Fanny thanked her, put them in a vase,

then poor little Kate got
pushed farther and farther

to the back of the class.

Till she was all the way
out of the building.

- Then her parents sold their house.
- In a really bad market.

( Sighs )

- Hi, everybody.
- Freeway flowers?

- Grocery store.
- Oh.

What?

( Sighs )

( Theme music playing )

Bunheads 1x08 - Blank Up, It's Time
Original air date August 6, 2012

Oh. Hi.

Well, hello there.

And how are you this fine day?

I'm good. I am very good.

I must say, I am nothing
but good... and you?

- I'm good too.
- Good!

I'm just grabbing some food.

My little kitchen is
still not up and running.

It's not even up and limping.

Ah, damn. Out of cayenne pepper.

My eggs are nothing
without cayenne pepper.

There must be more somewhere.

I have no idea.

I haven't cracked the secret
storage system around here.

Yep, same as always.

Shoves the spices down
behind the sandwich bags.

- Why?
- Yeah, why?

- It's just awkward.
- Very.

Do you know who in the hell I am?

- No.
- I'm Michael.

You must have heard about me.

Only that you rode your boat
ashore, hallelujah.

( Chuckles ) She said you were funny.

- And quick too... I like that.
- We're talking Fanny, right?

Who else would we be talking about?

- So she's back?
- She sure is.

Okay, catching up here.

Listen... join us for breakfast.

I always make three times
what anybody could eat.

Oh, no, I couldn't... I mean, considering

where you're headed with that tray,

I don't think you want me around.

I'm setting us up in the dining room.

Oh, the dining room. Okay.

That's a terrific place to eat breakfast.

I just thought with the robe
that you were heading

back to Fanny, and that
she was still in bed,

and I was thinking, "what is
this... kinky breakfast day?"

You know?

No, not really.

All three of us having breakfast in bed...

that queen-sized bed up there?

I'm not a prude.
I mean, I've had breakfast

in all kinds of places...
some kinky, some not.

Most of 'em not.
I really don't have kinky breakfasts much.

- Good for you.
- Doesn't get much less kinky

than this.

Have a good one.

( Door closes )

You too.

( Jazz music playing )

Ginger Rogers was so glamorous.

It's like she's floating, not dancing.

Boo: She could talk too. She was funny.

They talked faster back then.
It's funnier when it's faster.

And they would shoot a whole
dance sequence in just one shot.

- No editing.
- Oh, well, hello.

When did Mr. Scorsese get here?

- You know what I mean. - Because
I want him to explain "Kundun" to me.

She's so beautiful too. She exudes sex.

- Yuck!
- Sorry.

That's just what my mom says
when she sees Matt Lauer.

Double yuck!

I used to think that actors
in black and white movies

went home to black and white houses
and lived in black and white worlds.

You sound like a sad Dr. Seuss.

Boo: Hey, look. I'm Ginger Rogers.

I thought I was Ginger Rogers.

We can both be Ginger Rogers... ( Gasps )

- Are you okay?
- This is a rough business.

You know, Ginger Rogers did everything

that Fred Astaire did,
but she did it backwards.

And in high heels.
Any other brilliant cliches

you'd like to hit us with today, Boo?

A penny saved is a penny earned?

It's not the heat, it's the humidity?

I didn't say I thought it up, Sasha.

So have you and Jordan rehearsed
the Astaire/Rogers thing yet?

A little. We don't
want to rehearse too much.

Trying to keep it fresh.
( Three thuds )

- Whoa.
- Three whacks.

She's in a mood.

( Three thuds )

- Let's show 'em some.
- You got it.

( Piano music plays )

- Who needs rehearsal?
- You don't.

- That was great, Jordan.
- I know.

Fanny: Okay. Let's gather.

Quick, quick, everyone.

Welcome back, madame Fanny.

I'm never gone. I'm always here.

Yes, ma'am. So are we.

Okay, everybody listen up because
we have a lot to catch up on.

As my veterans know, we are
fast approaching show season.

- I love show season.
- Shh!

Summer is our busiest time
for performances.

We have our usuals coming up...

the regional mall tour at the end of July,

the strawberry festival.

The Ventura County arts fair
will be an overnighter,

so I'm going to need
some parents to tag along.

Then it's our Nutcracker
at the end of August.

Why do we do our Nutcracker in August?

Costumes are half-off.

But our first performance of the season

is for the grand opening
of Paradise Gourmet Foods,

and it's a biggie.

They're building a beautiful stage for us

and we're giving them
a full ballet exhibition,

closing with the Astaire/Rogers dance.

Madame Fanny, what about
the Arroyo Grande beach party?

Not happening this year.

Their arts council decided
to go with an exhibition

by the Southern California
cheerleading champs.

To each his own.

( Whispering ) That can't be all.

Wait for it...

What the hell does cheerleading

have to do with art?!

And thar she blows.

If cheerleading is art,
then so is yodeling

and plate-spinning.

If those morons at Arroyo Grande

want to see squatty girls
with thick thighs

do their grotesque handstands
and flimsy acrobatics,

then fine! Let 'em!

Their grand finale can be
a chicken pecking out of tune

on a toy piano... that'll wow 'em!

( Quietly sighs ) Where was I?

You were talking about the Paradise
Gourmet Food store opening.

Yes, that's in two weeks, and
we have a lot of work to do.

Sasha, what happened here?

- What do you mean?
- Turn around.

You have tan lines.

Yeah, I got a little sun.

I'm not happy about it.

Me neither. It hurts a little.

You know the rules about members
of my class and the sun.

They are not to come
in contact with each other.

It's hard to avoid sometimes.

Walking down the street, yes.

But clearly you were in the sun

in a bathing suit.

Now if I were training you
for a career in radio,

that would be fine.

But dance is a visual medium,
and it's show season!

I'm sorry.

Want to try that again?

I apologize. I'm very sorry.

- Boo?
- Yes?

You're doing the Astaire/Rogers
dance this year.

- What?!
- But Sasha always does it.

She and Jordan are...
( Thuds loudly )

Places at the barre.

( Piano music plays )
Fanny: First position.

Demi, demi, grande.

And demi. And straight.

Demi and straight. And grande.

There she is.

Hey, Fanny. Welcome back.

- Half my plants are dead.
- They look fine to me.

You clearly did nothing to help
the garden while I was gone.

The gardeners were here. They did it all.

The gardeners mow, blow and go.

I didn't catch their names,
but that could be them.

I mean, couldn't you see
they were distressed?

The gardeners or the plants?

- Michelle. - Fanny,
you don't want me touching your plants.

Plants and I have
a history... a bad history.

"The killing fields"? That was me.
I killed those fields.

Well, clearly I'm
going to have to show you

how to deadhead peonies
for the next time I'm gone.

Okay, I can't wait to explore

the exciting world of peony deadheading.

Good. Oh, and I've got
tickets to the matinee

of a play tomorrow in L.A...
I want you to go with me.

In my new role as your spinster daughter?

- Don't be snotty.
- I'm just saying

I'm very busy with my
needlepoint this weekend,

then I was going to use my
quill pen to write a letter

to cousin Henry in Manchester.

I thought you liked theater.
That's why I asked.

I do like theater, but you didn't ask.

Well, sounds like you're free.
I'm paying for the tickets.

The play's supposed to be good, so
what's stopping you from going?

- Me?
- No.

I love theater, and you're not
stopping me from going.

So yes, I will go with you.

Good. It's supposed to be very funny.

It's called "Blank up, it's time."

"Blank up"? What does that mean?

Well, the blank is some vulgar word,

so that's how they have
to print it on the tickets.

"Blank up, it's time"?

Okay, I'm scrolling through my mental list

of filthy words here.

That doesn't make sense.

That's funny, but it doesn't make sense.

I got a lot of filthy stuff
I'm working through here.

- I have no doubt.
- Ooh, getting to the obscure ones now.

Ooh, hello, haven't thought
about you in a while,

you cheeky little devil.

Nope, nothing makes sense with that title.

Well, then... one more reason to go.

You'll be able to solve
the mystery of the title.

So there was no one else
for you to go with?

No special friend?

( Scoffs ) I took Colleen once

to "The Sound of Music."

She hummed off-key to every song,

then got so confused she ended
up rooting for the Nazis.

No, I meant a special friend.

You know, a cayenne peppery friend?

- You mean Michael?
- Yes, Michael... the man you've been hiding

- from me.
- I wasn't hiding him from you.

Well, you didn't tell me about him.

I didn't tell you about the
marshmallow vodka I bought, either,

but you managed to find that just fine.

- So why isn't he going?
- He'll tag along to musicals,

but he doesn't like straight plays.
He thinks they're boring.

So tell me about him. Who is he?

He's a very good friend of mine.

He was sporting your slippers.

I'd say he's a very good friend.

I've known Michael for...
longer than I want to admit.

He's a pianist, a fine one.

He tours a lot, and
whenever he's in the area

we spend time together.

- He seemed nice.
- He's wonderful.

We keep it casual and it
all works out perfectly.

Wow, very good. I approve.

I wasn't looking for your approval.

So you'll swing by in the afternoon,
and we'll hit the road?

You're driving.

Had an inkling that was the case.

Man: Clarity of purpose,
motivation and teamwork.

Those are the three. So first,
what is clarity of purpose?

- That was stupid.
- We're out, aren't we?

But I think walking backwards out the door

to create the illusion that
we're actually walking in

just drew more attention to us.

Especially when you dropped
all your leadership materials

- and went, "ta-da!"
- I hear no alarms.

I see no search dogs. We're free, ladies.

- Rejoice.
- So what do you wanna do?

We've got a prescription to pick up.

Can't your mom do that for you?

Then I'd never see it again.

- Is the Katy Perry movie still out?
- I'm sorry.

I'm not sitting through that woman
squirting things at me in 3-D.

- There's gotta be something. - Hold on,
I gotta get something outta my locker.

You might want to stand back
a little when you open that.

- Why?
- An enraged Sasha may jump out.

She was Black Swan before
you took her Ginger Rogers.

- Now that makes her Def Con Swan.
- She's got nothing to lose.

I didn't take her Ginger Rogers.
Fanny gave it to me.

Sasha doesn't get too analytical
when it comes to placing blame.

She's a little more result oriented.

- And the result is you got the part.
- But I didn't even ask for it.

We're hanging in the school hallway
on a Saturday. This was not the point.

- We'll meet you outside.
- Okay.

- I do not approve of this.
- Of what?

Of bringing wine into a theater.

- Well, I love getting sloshed at the
theater. - But we're both performers,

so the theater is sacred ground.
This is our church.

Churches have wine. Jesus made it out
of water. Ever hear of it?

I saw "Jesus Christ, Superstar,"
of course I've heard of it.

This is our row. And that's us.

Excuse me.

Pardon me. Thank you.

Excuse me. Those are our seats.

Those are our seats. Excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me,
I need to get to my seat.

Then you should've gotten here
a little earlier.

Uh, the play hasn't started yet.

- Can you believe this?
- Just squeeze through.

I can't. This woman's built
like the Panama Canal.

- Well, the Panama Canal opens, doesn't it?
- The nerve.

Come on, we're blocking people.

I guess I'll just have to power through.

Coming through here.

Coming through!

Are you kidding me?

- What are you doing?
- Honey, I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Did you see that? I was caught
between that woman's giant legs!

- Keep your voice down.
- Why? Am I being rude?

You're here five minutes and you're
already having an argument with someone.

Maybe you should've brought the friend who
hums the songs and roots for the Nazis.

The woman moved for me, that's all I know.

That's because her legs are like a stuck
pickle jar. I loosened them for you.

- Oh God.
- Give me that!

- Hey!
- It's matinee crowds, you know?

- What about matinee crowds?
- They're different than night crowds.

- They're older. Crankier.
- Just calm down and read your program.

Oh, I know one of the
assistant costumers here.

She helped me with "Nutcracker" last year.

Good for her, getting this gig.

So you've taught your first ballet
class since getting back, right?

- How'd it go?
- Fine. They're all a little rusty.

- And how was Sasha?
- Sunshine sweet.

She's definitely going through a phase.

- That's going into its third year.
- So what's the strategy?

I've already cut her from a dance
she's doing. That delivered a message.

Sasha's never been cut from a dance.

- You cut her from "Nutcracker"?
- No!

I need her for "Nutcracker."
This was something else.

But she got the message. Trust me.

Oh, here we go.
( Music playing )

Hmph. Slow reader... figures.

- What's that?
- My own secret recipe.

The brownie's just our regular brownie,

but I made the topping: whipped
cream, crushed cherries,

- cocoa powder...
- And tabasco?

( Whispers ) That's the secret.

- It's good.
- It's on the house.

Thanks.

So you're, like, talking to me.

- Of course I am. - You're not
mad about the Ginger Rogers thing?

Nah, I've done Ginger. Done her to death.

- I'm fine with you doing it.
- Really?

That's great.

- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.

- You never go in the sun.
- Yes, I do.

- You don't. You hate the sun.
- I love the sun.

I've known you since you were four.
We met in line

in kindergarten and your
parasol hit me in the eye.

- Kind of a cute meet.
- Why were you in the sun?

- Because I wanted to be.
- You hate the sun.

- People change, Boo.
- But...

People change!

- I didn't make you mad at me, did I?
- Not yet.

- I've got to get back to work.
- Thanks for the dessert.

Actor: Torrid, I'd call it.

Actress: I don't know what
you're getting so upset about.

Actor: The house! The house!
I'm upset about the house!

( Doorbell rings )
Actor: Mormons?

Actress: Russell.

- Hmmm.
- Huh.

- Hah.
- Huhhh.

- I'm confused.
- Me too. Which one was Mirabelle?

- The redhead, I think.
- I thought that was Catalina.

- Which one was Russell?
- He was the guy at the door.

- Yes, but did we see him earlier?
- Oh God, I don't know.

- There are too many characters.
- And too many plots.

- I wish it was a mormon at the door.
- A singing mormon.

- Are you using the restroom?
- I'm fine. Are you?

Yes.

- Then shouldn't you go?
- No.

For I am going to utilize
the Ortega maneuver.

- The what? - A choreographer I worked
with, Kenny Ortega, taught it to me.

It's surprisingly simple: instead
of rushing to the ladies' room

and getting into that ridiculously
long line, I take my time.

The line works its way down. Then
as soon as they play the sit down bells

people panic, leave...
I dash in at the last second,

do my thing, dash out, bing-bang-boom,

I'm back in my seat, didn't
have to suffer the line.

Sounds very simple. Like, why would
someone even have to think that up?

I'm going to start slowly getting
into position. You'll watch my seat?

- Why, what's it going to do?
- Just watch it.

No one's going to take your seat.

Please just go the other way. I beg you.

No. This is personal.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, I'm getting up too.

Victory!

- Actor: So is it cocktail time yet?
- No!

- No no no no no.
- Shh.

- It started?
- Sorry.

This is not my fault.
I utilized the Ortega maneuver

and I had it all timed out,
but you know what?

There are a couple of Sunday matinee
variables I did not foresee.

One, an older matinee crowd is way
less predictable than a normal crowd,

what with the canes and the
walkers and the "pardon me."

- And they can't hear the sit-down bells.
- It is an older crowd.

And two, guess who was hogging the
last stall at the last second?

I mean, long after she had
finished her business.

- I wouldn't know.
- The lady with the big legs.

Oh, you've seen her.
The big East-European leg woman?

- Shh, please.
- I'm never late for a curtain. Never.

You should arrest that lady. Oh,
and of course, she got back to her seat.

Ugh, I hate that big-legged lady so much.

There's a scene change in about
five minutes. I can get you down then.

Why bother?
Crazy big legs probably won't get up,

and I'll be this big jackass blocking
everyone's view as I'm stumbling over her.

- It's no problem. - You know, the only
reason I had to go to the bathroom

was because I drank a ton of
Fanny's wine because I was so mad

at that big-legged East-European lady.
This has so sucked.

Well, you're welcome
to watch from back here.

Thank you.

( Groaning )

Oh no, terrific.
Stay there just as long as you like.

Never mind the fact you should have
crossed three fricking beats ago.

Russell: What?

Actress:
Russell, that lawnmower was brand-new.

- Oh God, shoot me now.
- What was wrong with that?

She's carrying the book
in her downstage hand.

- She does that every time. I correct her
every time. - It looks okay to me.

It's not, okay? It's not.

- Director, right?
- And imminent suicide victim.

- Conor.
- Michelle. Hi.

- I wish I was.
- Is this going to Broadway?

Not like that.

Must be hard getting through
an out of town tryout.

Slowly saw through each of your fingers

with a razor blade dipped in
vinegar... it's more pleasant.

- What brings you to the old lady matinee?
- An old lady.

Well, she's not that old, not
compared to a lot of people here.

I count eight asleep

- and three dead.
- Hey, can I ask you a question?

- Sure.
- What is this about?

- I have no idea.
- No, really.

No, really. I have no idea.

The playwright thinks he's Eugene O'Neill.
This is Ed O'Neill.

- It's got its moments. - They're accidental
and it's definitely a bad audience.

The ladies with the brawny East-European
legs come to these shows.

Wow, you heard that,
with everything going on?

I need something to entertain me.

Actor: ...Violinist who never heard
of an arpeggio?

She thought it was a type of pasta sauce.

( Scattered laughter )

- Why didn't you laugh at that?
- I didn't think it was funny.

- I added that line.
- Then I loved it.

Oh, don't do that.

Go ahead. Scribble some more.

- So big legs skedaddled?
- Michelle, where have you been?

- I was stuck in the back of the house.
- I was worried.

Really? That's nice of you to worry.

I was worried that you'd left without me.

Oh. Nope, I was in the
back with the director.

- Oh?
- Long story.

Nice guy. Going through hell, poor thing.

- I can drive myself back, you know.
- Why?

- If you want to sleep with him.
- I'm not sleeping with him.

Why? There are ways for you to get home.

- There are busses. - I'm not going
to take a midnight Greyhound bus home

after having quick sex with a guy I just
met in the back of a theater, thank you.

- It doesn't have to be quick.
- That wasn't my point.

You may want to reconsider.
He's a director.

- He could get you a role.
- I'm not looking for a role.

There are taxis too,
if you don't want a bus.

Although that'll cost a fortune.
Could he drive you home?

I don't know if he has a car.

- And I'm not sleeping with him!
- Okay.

I just don't want you to miss
a quick boff on my account.

You know, hearing that, I do feel
comfortable having a quick boff with him.

Perhaps in the alley.
And if it's that quick,

you and I could still go home together.

Fine. Anything less than 20
minutes and I'm willing to wait.

( Groans )

- Piano's out of tune.
- I just had it tuned.

- Well, the deaf guy missed something.
- He wasn't deaf.

( Plays note )
You hear that?

That is not one note. That's three.

So it's a chord. Music has chords.

I've got my tuning lever,
I'll fix it myself.

You hurt your hand the last
time you fixed it yourself.

- Do not touch my piano.
- Okay.

So what madness do you have
going on here today?

That's my Firebird,
a staple of all my mall shows.

That's my "on the town"
group... a big crowd pleaser.

And that's my Ginger.

I'll be right back. Boo!

- Yes, madame Fanny? - I want you
to begin practicing with your Fred.

- Great. Jordan's here?
- It's not going to be Jordan.

Oh. What happened?

He, um, had to drop out. Family matter.

That's your partner. Carl!

Carl?

Hi, madame Fanny. Hi, Boo.

- Hello, Carl.
- So you're going to be my Fred Astaire.

- You up for it?
- Am I up for it? Hello.

I will channel the man.
I'm there. I'm already there.

I'm not even here anymore.
That's how there I am.

- I don't know how I could possibly...
- Dyap-dyap-dyap-dyap.

Now I'm going to start
with my "On the town."

Why don't you two watch
the tapes of Sasha and Jordan,

do what you can and I'll
fill in the rest later?

You got it.

I'm plotzing.

Well, get some water. I'll be right back.

- Madame Fanny?
- Yes?

I was just wondering...

Do you think Carl's right for this?

Of course he is.
It's my job to know these things.

I'm not questioning your
knowledge or anything,

but I was just thinking, don't you
think there's a certain something...

- Lacking?
- Well, he lacks Jordan's skills.

- And?
- And what?

- Height.
- So crouch a little.

- While dancing backwards in heels?
- I'll have him jump a lot.

That'll even it out.
Now go on, make the best of it.

Madame Fanny, would you
mind if I called him?

- Who?
- Jordan, and asked about his family matter?

- Boo... - It better be a death,
that's all I'm saying.

Boo, listen to me, Jordan is special.

Every dance company in the Western
hemisphere is clamoring for him.

He's very talented and...
oh, let's face it,

a giant egomaniac, as most
talented male dancers are.

I wouldn't take it too seriously.

He didn't even give me a chance.

Look, Boo, I'll admit Carl

is rough around the edges
and not your height.

But what he lacks in everything,
he makes up for in enthusiasm.

He wants this so badly.
He loves it more than anyone in this room.

And sometimes enthusiasm
is enough to create magic.

Or a train wreck.

It's nice to give
the unexpected person a shot

once in a while, don't you think?

- I guess.
- Try.

- For me?
- Yes, ma'am.

Boo: Why does everything
always happen to me?

- Tough break.
- Expecting Jordan and getting Carl.

- Little Carl. - You went
from Rogers-Astaire to Rogers-Dinklage.

Don't you think I should have been
consulted? I mean, really.

- I'm Ginger Rogers.
- Madame Fanny does not consult.

- Maybe from a distance it won't look
so weird. - It's gonna look weird.

You won't really be
dancing cheek to cheek.

- More like cheek to yawning-gap-
over-his-head. - Don't make this worse.

It'll be like that Stonehenge
bit from "Spinal Tap."

You might accidentally trod on him.

- It's all about the pituitary gland,
you know. - What is?

- Dwarfism. I did a paper on it.
- He's not a dwarf.

- He's close.
- Think he'll grow beyond this?

- Probably not. - He definitely
should not take up cigar smoking.

A cigar's never going
to look right in his hand.

He's already texted me
four times about rehearsal

and he's still downstairs
in the dressing room.

- He's got a lot of energy.
- He kind of reminds me of our dog.

- We have a really small dog.
- I just think I should have been consulted.

- I'm Ginger Rogers.
- That's showbiz, Ginger.

( TV playing )
( Laughter, clapping )

- Fanny: I told you it was gonna be close.
- Michael: You did, you did.

- Fanny: That calls for some wine.
- Oh, come on!

- Fanny: Is the man blind?
- That was a swing.

- Fanny: I'll lose a game, but not to the ump.
- Hi, guys.

- Hey, Michelle. Are you a White Sox fan?
- Nope.

- Ah, Cubs fan. My condolences.
- Not a Cubs fan.

If you're an Indians fan, I'm
gonna have to ask you to leave.

- She doesn't follow baseball.
- I'm sorry,

- then what's the point of living?
- She doesn't follow any sport.

I follow the Kardashians. That's a sport.

Never knew you were a baseball fan.

Are you kidding? She can rattle
off stats with the best of them.

- Guess I've just never heard
her stats-rattle. - Hey!

- Picked him off! - He wasn't supposed
to be on base in the first place.

Definitely. Definitely.

I will leave you to your game. Enjoy.

Fanny: I'm going shopping tomorrow.
Want to come with?

- Yeah, I'll tag along.
- I'll get you some socks.

- I don't want any socks.
- You need socks.

- Fanny, I don't want any socks.
- Trust me, you need socks.

Carl: Bettina.

Bettina!

I have to work.

- Hi! - Oh jeez, Carl!
You scared me half to death.

- Sorry.
- Don't call me Bettina, okay?

- But that's your name.
- Call me Boo. Everyone calls me Boo.

Fine. I like Bettina, but Boo it is.

Those are the parents. It's been a
little tense in the Cramer household.

Not hearing much lovemaking these days.

- Ew.
- I'm just sayin'.

- So you wanna hear my Stewie Griffin?
- I really am busy, Carl.

Okay, just give me your email.

I want to send you links to Astaire-Rogers
dances. There's a bunch on YouTube.

You don't need to do that.
Fanny's choreographing the dance

and we have the Sasha-Jordan tapes.

She told us to bring
some ideas to the table.

They do this one dance where
Astaire is hypnotizing Ginger,

so I've been working on my hypno-stare.

( Humming )

Don't do that.

I think if we keep it simple,
we're gonna wow 'em.

Sure, we'll keep it simple.
You don't have to do that.

I don't mind. You're actually going to
be a better Ginger Rogers than Sasha.

Oh, no way. Sasha's great.

She's got ballet brain.
She can't adapt. You can.

- More water here!
- Got it.

A "please" would've been nice to hear.

You're crazy.

I should get back to the Bickersons.
You good here?

Yeah. Thanks, Carl.

You're gonna want to hear
my Stewie Griffin. Mark my words.

- Hello, you two.
- Good morning.

Hey, Michelle. What are you up to?

I was just going to grab an
orange or some stale melba toast

or a flavored toothpick.
Something to keep body and soul together.

- Forget that. Come join us.
- Oh, I wouldn't want to impose.

Who are you to say no
to a kinky breakfast?

Yeah, you know, Michael, I kinda
misspoke when I said that.

Come on, get in here.
Sit in my chair, mooch.

Oh well, when you sweet talk a girl.

I was just going to get some more coffee.
Be right back.

Don't do anything kinky while I'm gone.

Really, Michael, it was
a dumb thing to say.

I don't even want to know
what you're talking about.

- I like him.
- Me too.

- Where'd you meet?
- In a dirty jazz club in Monterey.

I sat in the back... at first.

Then I saw him and I worked my way
down front right in his eyeline.

- He lost his place a couple of times.
- You show-wrecker.

- That's me.
- Was he married?

- He happened not to be.
- Well, let me ask you this...

you guys are so in sync.

You're watching baseball,
you're eating on TV trays,

and I've never seen you smile so much.

Why haven't you made it more permanent?

It is permanent.
We've known each other forever.

But it's permanently not permanent.
Why is that?

When Michael and I met, Hubbell's
father had just left us,

I was not looking to rush
into a long-term relationship.

- Neither was Michael.
- But in all the years since?

We did talk about marriage once.

When Hubbell was about 10 or so.

But Hubbell had a fit, broke the model
airplane he had been working on.

It was a very big deal, so we dropped it.

He was very young, it was understandable.

- And you never revisited?
- No.

We never revisited.

He's a troubadour, you know.

- He doesn't even own a house.
- You're kind of his house.

Some more kinky coffee, ladies.

I'm never gonna hear
the end of this, am I?

- Probably not.
- Pour away.

It's open.

- This door should be locked.
- Why?

You're alone. I want you safe.

- Well, you're late.
- I stopped to get us some Cel-Rey tonic.

I had to go to five
different stores to find it.

- I love Cel-Rey tonic.
- I know.

- How do you know? - I heard you
say it once to someone a couple years ago.

And you remembered? No way.

So did you watch the footage
of Sasha and Jordan?

- It made me feel small.
- Well, we're not them.

But look at it like we're
a different interpretation...

the everyman's version.

( New York accent ) We are the street
version of Fred and Ginger.

- Sounds good.
- Now the foundation is just waltz.

We can waltz. But I want to start
with something kind of flashy

before we actually dance
together, is that okay?

- You lead, I'll follow.
- I'm gonna start with my back to you.

And I'm gonna have a flower
and I'm gonna smell it.

Like that.

Then I'll turn and see you and
I'll toss the flower away.

Then I'll step, hop, step, hop hop,

step, turn... whoa.

I should include "get dizzy" at the end
of that 'cause I'm freakin' dizzy.

- You should definitely turn less.
- For sure.

So after the intro

and I've turned less,

we're waltzing,

we're waltzing. And are you ready?

- For what?
- A dip!

We gotta give 'em a dip or two.

- We can do dips, right?
- Definitely.

So when did I say I liked Cel-Rey tonic?
Was it really two years ago?

You were talking to Ginny.
School just got out,

so it must have been June.
You were wearing pink shoes.

I still have those shoes.

- Shall we continue?
- As long as you want.

( Instrumental music playing )

( Phone ringing )

- Hello?
- Man: I cut the joke.

- Conor?
- Yeah. I cut the joke you didn't laugh at.

It was a miracle cut.

- Oh stop.
- No, I'm not kidding.

It was one of those magical little
changes that opened the whole scene up.

Now the Catalina character
seems less like a dolt,

I have Russell exiting sooner.
The scene just flies now.

Wow. Maybe I missed my calling.

- You want to come down and see it?
- See what?

Knott's berry farm.
The play, what do you think?

- Tonight?
- Tonight. We'll watch, we'll marvel,

- we'll grab a bite after.
- Sure.

- I'll be there.
- Great.

You know how I know when
I'd been in L.A. too long?

- How?
- I'm starting to like it.

There might be other reasons.

- See you tonight.
- See you tonight.

Actress: Russell, what
should I tell the police

if they come sniffing around?

And then what shall I tell y'all?

- Russell: Did you just say "y'all"?
- Damn straight.

Catalina, is it worth...
( Groans )

- Beat me with a crowbar.
- Why is he stepping on every line?

I told him to jump on
his cues, not mug them.

- You gotta put that joke back.
- They would kill me if I put that joke back.

- You need some funny in here.
- I swear it worked last night.

- And this audience... dead, right?
- Comatose.

( Rattles )
( Unison ) Ohhh!

- He can't open a door.
- It's sticking on him.

- That's sets, right? We've gotta
get sets on it. - I got it.

- I got it.
- I got it.

- So you were an actor.
- I was.

- I bet you were good.
- I was.

- That sounded arrogant.
- Theater?

A lot of theater. Too much theater.

- My feet hurt just thinking about it.
- Just theater? No TV?

No, I did some TV.
But you know what I never got?

- "Law & Order." - I thought every
New York actor's been on "Law & Order."

Not me. And I went up for all of them:

The mothership, "S.V.U.,"
"Criminal Intent," parental neglect,

special weird guy unit... nothing.

- Unbelievable.
- I know.

In this world you either
look like a rapist

or someone trying to catch a rapist.

How did I fall between
those two categories?

I say wear it as a badge of honor. You're
the guy who never got on "Law & Order"

- despite countless attempts.
- What about you?

- Did you ever act?
- A little.

I was in a feminine product commercial.

- Oh, this I want to hear about.
- "It's got wings!"

- What the hell was that?
- My line.

That's glorious!

- And it was after I did a somersault.
- Why were you somersaulting?

There were a bunch of us
in a grassy field.

We were all supposed to be blooming

or photosynthesizing or something.

Please tell me there's a copy of this.

There may be a screening in the future

if you play your cards right.

You know I was nervous when I called you.

- You didn't sound nervous.
- I utilized my acting skills.

Very impressive.

- I'm glad you called.
- Yeah, me too.

It's been awhile for me... doing this.

- Sleeping with a director?
- With anybody.

- Same here.
- Quite awhile.

- Are we talking years?
- No, but awhile.

Months, not since...

- Not since?
- Since...

Oooh, oh my God.

- Oh...
- Whoa whoa whoa, are you crying?

- What is this?
- I don't know.

- What is happening? - I don't know.
What did I do? What did I say?

- How can I unsay it?
- I was not anticipating this.

Me neither.

- This was going so well.
- It was.

How can I reverse it? I mean,
what can I do? Make you laugh, what?

- Sure. - Okay look, there's not
enough room for the somersaulting,

but... "it's got wings!"
( Sobbing )

- Oh, that did not go well at all.
- Where is this coming from?

I don't know. You were just saying
you hadn't been with anyone since...

- Hubbell.
- Hubbell, okay.

That's your rosebud
or your very large telescope.

- Hubbell. Poor Hubbell, he's gone.
- Where did he go?

Oh, he is not with us any longer.

- He's not. He's gone.
- I'm sorry.

No, it's... it's doing this,

the last time was with him and then
he died and now it's all welling up.

- Boyfriend?
- Husband.

- Wow.
- I was in shock.

I'd never been in shock.
I didn't even know I was in shock.

And then I was dealing with his
mother and she was in shock

then I inherited all his stuff
and I had all this paperwork

and I guess it all must have
gotten buried and now here it is.

- I'll say it's here.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

No no no, it's... this is good.

This is what we try to write
and what we try to convey

and, wow, are you conveying it right here,

- right now.
- It's not nice to the guy to cry after sex.

- Well, it's different, I'll give you that.
- Poor Hubbell.

I'm beginning to feel bad for the guy.

He was a good guy, a good man. I should go.

No no no no... stay here
as long as you want.

Thank you. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry.

No, it's okay.

- Oh!
- What?

Think about having the Tony character

spill something at dinner at act two

so his clumsiness doesn't come
out of the blue at the end.

Oh, that's good.

No, that's really good.

- Michael, stop.
- Stop what?

You do all the cooking, let me clean up.
That was the deal.

- I'm just trying to expedite things here.
- Give me that.

Okay, I'm just warning you,

if I sit on that couch out there,

- I'm gonna fall asleep.
- Then stay in here with me.

- You'll let me do that.
- I will let you do that.

Then I'll help you dry.

So...

how long were you planning on staying?

I don't know. Maybe a week?

I should check with my manager.
See if I got bookings.

I hate talking to my manager.

I know.

- So why were you asking?
- I was thinking,

maybe this time...

don't rush off.

I wasn't gonna rush off.

Good.

Stay... as long as you want.

As long as you can.

- You're not gonna get sick of me?
- ( Chuckles ) No.

I miss you.

Then I'll stay as long as I can.

- Good.
- Good.

- Wow, glamorous.
- It feels a little tight.

Well, if it rips, pretend
it's a part of the act.

- Where's your partner?
- Over there.

- Ginny: He looks ridiculous.
- Like an organ grinder's monkey.

- He doesn't look that bad.
- He's no Jordan.

Tell me he's not going to wear a top hat.

It kept falling off in rehearsal.

- Mind if I sit in?
- No, please.

- Michael's sitting in too.
- Great.

So...

What is it? I'm already behind.

Nothing, I just...

I just was thinking
about Hubbell last night.

- Hubbell?
- Yeah.

And I just thought that I'd tell you.

Thank you.

So I'll see you after.

- Hey, Michael.
- Hey, Michelle.

- Missed you at kinky breakfast.
- Will you stop?

Kinky breakfast is just not
kinky breakfast without you.

- I said it once.
- And it will live forever.

( Jazz music playing )

This tie is driving me crazy.

- You look very dashing though.
- Thank you.

You know tonight, you should come over and
watch "That's entertainment" with me.

I'd loan it to you, but it's my
mom's and she's not into loaning.

- I'll whip us up a lasagna for dinner.
- You can whip up lasagna?

From scratch. My grandmother taught me.

How a life-long Jew learned how to
make a killer lasagna, I don't know,

but she taught me and it is the best.

So what do you say? Tonight, 6:30?

Quick answer for you, Carl... no.

- Yeah, come on, dude, get a clue.
- What are you talking about?

She's not your frickin' girlfriend.
She's your dance partner,

which means she's not going to come over
to your house for your sad lasagna.

Boo, step in here.
You don't even like lasagna.

The cheese does something
bad to my stomach.

See? No loser lasagna tonight.

Yeah sure.

Sorry, Boo.

- Idiot.
- They just get dumber every year.

Break a leg.

Fanny: Okay, everybody.
This is a loose dress rehearsal.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes.

We'll start with Fred and
Ginger, then it's "On the town"

and "Firebird." So anyone who's
not playing Fred and Ginger

should be off the floor.

Sasha!

Come over here right now.

- I'm fine where I am.
- Sasha!

Whoa whoa, honey, this is Fanny's world.

What makes you think you can
sashay in here like this,

- your hair ruined...
- It's not all about you, Fanny.

In here it is all about me.

It's my hair.
I'll do whatever I want with it.

- No.
- Yes!

No! You already got one warning...

You can't tell us how to live
every stupid moment of our lives.

- No! I'm talking.
- It's not fair!

- I'm talking!
- I get to talk too!

You already got one warning, and
to come in here like this...

I'm not the only one sick of all
your stupid rules! We all are!

- We can't even go swimming?
- Stop right now, stop!

- I don't need this!
- Oh really?

No! I'm going out for
cheerleading and I can't do both.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

You can't do both.

Cheerleading and ballet.

Get out.

- What about show season?
- Shh!

Boo, Carl, dance!

( Waltz music playing )