Bunheads (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 16 - There's Nothing Worse Than a Pantsuit - full transcript

Previously on Bunheads...

We have land and we're not
doing anything with it.

We gotta make money off this place.

Get out the gold stars,
we have come up with a plan.

Fanny:- A great plan.
- We're going to build an amphitheater.

I just don't understand how
they got so popular so fast.

Cozette can do anything.
Cozette's a wizard.

I was wondering if you were in the
market for any new business ventures.

An amphitheater? Really?

To the Millicent Stone
Performing Arts Center.

Ginny: She's magic
and perfect and worldly.



And so so hip.

She's Carnaby Street in pointe shoes.

- Are you Dutch?
- I...

Your face reminds me of a Vermeer.

It does?

What are you doing here?

Clearly this isn't going to happen.

This isn't gonna happen?

Yeah, it doesn't really seem
like you want this to happen.

- Well, I do. Bye!
- Great. Bye!

( Piano playing )

Tour jete, hold.

Releve and...

Tour jete, hold. Releve, nice.



Tour jete, hold. Releve.

Shoulders, Ginny.

I don't know what you mean.
Show me what you mean?

Not falling for that again.

- Rats.
- Nice try though.

Jump, children. Jump!

Just put the stuff over there.

- Where?
- There.

- Yeah.
- Not there.

- There.
- Where?

- Right there.
- Where is there?

Sam: There, next to that.

Sal: You'll make me lose my mind.

Oi, Tony, Carmella,
I'm teaching a class over here.

Sorry, the man can't follow a point.

You need like air
traffic controller sticks

just to help him figure out
where to put a dance bag.

I'm sure, but you can't just...

Okay, everyone. All right.

You can stop that. It's annoying.

Places in the center. Stretch.

Tap class doesn't start
for another 30 minutes.

I know, but last time I got here
too late to get the good spot.

- What's the good spot?
- Front left center.

Best acoustics and everyone's behind me

so when the sweating starts,
I don't smell a thing.

Thanks for all the unnecessary information.

- Why is Sal here?
- I do not know.

You know. He's going to take tap.

- Really?
- No.

He runs a dancewear store.
He should know how to dance.

I do not need to know how to dance.

I need to know about dance. And I do.

Those three back there, they're terrible.

All you need to know.

- It'll be good for you.
- It will not.

- You will enjoy it.
- I will not.

I needed a ride.

Give it up Sal, you've been sammed.

Okay, everybody up.

Remember the combination we did yesterday?

Let's do that again.

Too lazy to come up with something new?

Too lazy to do a triple pirouette

- at the end instead of a double?
- Yes.

Let's start a club.

Um, oh, by the way.

We finally scheduled your meeting.

Oh, great. So relieved.

You know which meeting?

The rabbi, the priest,
and the duck in the bar?

Your meeting about
approving the amphitheater.

- Taftpokirip.
- That's the association

for the preservation of
keeping it real in Paradise.

Know the acronym, quashing the chuckle.

We were supposed to go over
your plans, your permits,

make sure everything's
in order, blah blah blah.

But we hadn't gotten around to it.

Someone misplaced
the post-it to remind her.

Whatever. But we found the post-it

and it's happening next week.

Great. What do I need to do?

- Nothing.
- A reminder follow-up call

or two might be prudent.

( Phone rings )
Oh, that's me.

Hold on.

That's okay. Just take your time.

While we're waiting, we thought
we'd form a rock band.

Oh, we hear the Stones met like this.

Very busy here.

Batten down the hatches, baby.

- Mama's coming to town.
- What did you do?

Nothing you wouldn't do.

You didn't drive through three states

in a convertible wearing nothing

but the words "free speech"
painted on your butt?

- No. - Like the
Dixie Chicks' "Entertainment Weekly" cover?

- I got the reference.
- 'Cause I would totally do that.

- I have no doubt.
- And no one would care.

I think a couple of kids at a stoplight
might have a bit of interest.

And a new screensaver.

- Are you coming to visit?
- I am.

- When?
- In a couple days.

- Can you handle it?
- It's not me,

it's the liquor stores I'm worried about.

- What's the occasion?
- I just miss my girl.

- And?
- And I have something big to tell you.

Government secrets? 'Cause I'm not
good at keeping that stuff quiet.

- I'll be there soon.
- I've got putin on speed dial.

- I can't wait to see you.
- As soon as I learn to speak Russian,

- things are gonna get rough.
- Muah.

Muah.

- Talia's coming.
- Really?

Yeah, I haven't seen her in a while.
So great.

- It is?
- Oh, I should clean up my place.

Set up the couch. Buy some snack-y stuff.

Finish teaching class.

Finish teaching. Crap.

Eventually I'm going to claim

the moral high ground
in this relationship.

Yeah yeah.

All right, fifth position.

( Piano playing )

Arms one, and two.

( Theme music playing )

Bunheads 1x16 - There's Nothing Worse Than a Pantsuit
Original air date February 11, 2013

Why can't we order fries?

It's a special menu for the fundraiser.

There's nothing on here.

There's fish and chips,
a salmon sub, tuna dog,

and calamari shooters.

But I want fries.

You can have fries. Fish and chips.

- Chips are fries.
- What happened to the real menu?

- It's a special menu tonight.
- Why?

Because it's a special event.

It's just a shorter menu.

Same crap, but less of it.

- Yes. Special.
- Your drinks, my ladies.

- What are you doing?
- Getting drinks.

From the bar. You order drinks from me.

- I couldn't find you.
- How hard did you try?

You mean, did I send out
a search party? No.

- You got me.
- You buy the sodas from the bartenders,

they get the tips.
They don't need the tips.

They need baths. And syphilis medication.

I need this. I'm going to Harvard.

Not on this lame special menu, you're not.

What special menu?

It's a stupid special menu.
You can't order fries.

You want fries?

Don't you order fries from the bartender.

I mean it! Don't you do it!

Man.

You writing the great
American novel there?

"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."

Sorry, that's taken.

Really? Oh shoot.
I'll just have to start again.

( Cheering )

( Both chuckling )

Rico: All right, all right.
Don't get nuts.

We'd like to welcome you guys

- to the first...
- Second.

Second annual fundraiser

for the Surfers United Retirement Fund.

( Cheering )
Enjoy the movie.

Whoo!

Don't say I never did nothing for you.

What is this?

( Gasps )
Oh my God.

You are my hero.

Right here.

Where'd you get those?

I don't know. They just appeared.

We thought they came from you.

Hey.

You really can't see that I'm busy?

Did you go next door and buy those burgers

- and bring them in here?
- Yes I did.

You can't do that. I'm your waiter!

- You wouldn't bring them.
- I'm not supposed to.

It's a theme night, damn it.

Why can't anyone understand that?

Dude, if I tip you to go away, will you?

A good tip, post tax.

You have got to get some sort of life.

I know.

Again, from the top.

( Chuckles )

( Indistinct movie chatter )

- Surfing's boring.
- I know.

Hey, you hear they're doing
"Bells Are Ringing"

- for Spring Musical this year?
- No.

Well they are. I'm thinking of trying out.

Give me something to do other than
watch myself age into my mother.

Wow, thanks for completely ignoring me.

We're not ignoring you, Ginny.

You said you were gonna try
out for "Bells Are Ringing."

And no response?

- Nope.
- Thanks a lot.

Because every year
you say you're gonna try out

- and you never do.
- You chicken out every time.

That's not true.

Maria in "West Side Story."

Who's gonna believe me as Puertorican?

- "Li'l Abner."
- I got the day mixed up.

I was gonna do it.
I bought the Daisy Dukes.

Yeah, and I wore them for Halloween.

Whatever.

( Sasha chuckling )

( Chuckles )

( Laughs )

So this is how it's gonna be at prom.

What?

Boo's gonna be with Carl.

Sasha's gonna be with that guy.

And you and me are gonna
be by the punch bowl

watching handsies and
thumbsies make out all night.

- Sounds great.
- What?

Prom is awful.

We won't have to buy a dress,

or pay to have our hair done

or rent a limo.

We can go in jeans, and we can eat

'cause we won't care if we look like pigs

or if anyone's gonna try
to touch our bloated stomachs.

Or worry if we're gonna have to give it up

for a lobster dinner.

We can just chill or not even go.

That's even better.

- That sounds awful.
- Why?

Because I kind of want to consider

giving it up for a lobster dinner.

Well, at least we have each other.

That's something, right?

Your pics.

- What?
- Your skating pic.

You need an official photo, so I took
some of you at the last practice.

Wow, some of these are actually great.

We spent a summer
on Annie Leibovitz's yacht.

Got some tips and some
really expensive parting gifts.

( Scoffs )
I'll be right back.

( Girl chatters )

So, if you give me your number,

I'll get you some fries.

All right.

Oh, geez! Milly, what the hell?

We have a major problem.

How did you get in here?

Taftpokirip is convening a meeting

to discuss the amphitheater.

We have an alarm.

Nothing good ever comes
from these people meeting.

It was set. The alarm was set.

I should have known something was up.

It's my job to know when something's up.

How did you disable the alarm?

Michelle, please. I own property.

That explains nothing.

We have to nip this in the bud.

These local yahoos are
always causing problems.

They never want anything to change ever.

Electricity freaked
people out at one point.

And water. Let's live together

in filthy quarters and not bathe.

The apes are still shaking
their heads over that one.

What could their problem be?

We did everything right.
We filled out all the paperwork.

I didn't even sign in pink ink

'cause Fanny told me not to.

If there's not a real problem,
they'll invent one.

That's what people do
instead of reading a newspaper.

Well, crap. This is terrible.

They made it seem like it was nothing.

Just another standard meeting.

Who did?

Sal and Sam.

You talked to Sal and Sam?

- Yeah.
- When?

- Yesterday.
- Yesterday?

Uh, yeah, they came in and they...

And what? They came in and what?

They told me about the meeting?

You knew about this?

- Sort of.
- You knew about this

and you didn't call me?

I was with the tutus.

Always. Always call me.

The minute anything happens

that can't be answered by
reading a Judy Blume novel,

call me.

This is how they got The Edge, you know.

The Edge? U2 The Edge?

All the man wanted to do was
build some eco-friendly houses

in Malibu. And the next thing you know,

they scheduled a meeting.

- Geez.
- I told him,

"Edge, get back there
and stop that meeting."

I don't care what crazy crap

"Julie Taymor's doing." Didn't listen.

You know The Edge? Like personally?

We carpooled for a while.

Never count on a rock star

to get a kid to a piano lesson on time.

Hey, how about we do something

to butter them up?

Like stage a ballet for a
town festival or something?

The Edge tried that too. Appeasement.

He offered to put in a park.

A dog run. He even offered

to play "The Joshua Tree" in its entirety

at one of the kids' birthday parties.

And do you know what that got him?

- Nothing?
- Man's still sitting there

with his thumb up his backside.

And I'm assuming he need
that thumb to play, so...

We need to move quick, intervene,

throw them off their game.

- Great. How?
- We need to schedule a meeting.

But we already have a scheduled meeting.

No, we need to schedule a meeting

before their meeting.

So like a pre-meeting meeting.

A preemptive meeting.

Home turf advantage is
not just for football anymore.

- What?
- Class is supposed to start at 10:00.

Hey, you don't tell us when class starts.

We tell you when class starts.

Class actually does start at 10:00.

But 10:30 would work great too.

( Mouths word)

I'm sorry. I'll be nicer to you tonight.

I promise.

Roman?

Who were you just talking to?

My plant.

Martha Stewart says
you should talk to your plants.

- She's weird.
- She's Martha.

So what are you doing here?

Well, I am here to drive you to school.

What?

Drive you to school.

- Why?
- Because.

I have a car.

I know. But I'm here now

and we're heading to the same place,

so why not?

Well, 'cause I have a car.

And it works, so...

Sasha, I've decided it's time

to take this thing public.

You, me, us.

Like we're Facebook?

Like what couples do. Normal couples.

They hang out together.

They drive places together.
People know they're together.

- Okay.
-I'm gonna make it easy on you.

First, you're gonna close your door

and walk with me down the hall.

Want to say good-bye to your plant?

( Sighs )

See you, Ralph.

And we're gonna go to school

and walk up the steps together.

- Do you understand?
- Vaguely.

Accept it. Accept it.

You're a freak.

We'll work on terms of affection later.

( Bell rings )

( Sighs )

Hey, how was class?

Big fun with calculus.

What's up?

Well, I figured since driving to school

and walking up the steps went so well,

that we should take it a step further.

What's a step further?

- Lunch.
- What?

These really are not
super foreign concepts.

I eat with my friends.

So we'll eat as a group.

I like your friends.

I think. If they're as nice as Ralph.

You're North quad. We're South quad.

I'll get a passport.

Are we doing the arm thing again?

I'd expect it.

Breathe.

- Breathe.
- So Mel, you're telling your mom

you're staying the night at Boo's.

Go there early,
call her from the landline,

- and you're covered.
- Got it.

And Boo, you're telling your parents
you're staying at my place.

Come over, call your mom
from the landline,

and you're covered.

So Melanie and I aren't
staying at the same place?

Yes, Boo, you're both staying at Sasha's.

- Where are you staying?
- At Sasha's.

I'm confused.

We're all staying at Sasha's, Boo,

but these are just the stories

we're telling the parents and we have to

get them straight.

Go over it again?

Roman's gonna have lunch with us. Deal.

Hi, everyone.

- Hey. Hello.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Awkward.

Here okay?

Melanie: I guess.

Ginny: Roman, would you excuse us?

- Really?
- For just a minute, please?

Okay.

Guess I'm stepping away.

Stay close.

- What are you doing?
- This was his idea.

It's some sort of mating ritual.

Is he your boyfriend now?

I guess.

So it's "official" official?

There's been no formal
announcement in the press,

but yes, it's official.

So we can tell people.

Yes, tell people. Geez.

You just play everything so mysterious.

Especially when it comes to boys.

- I do not.
- The last time I asked you about a boy

it was in the third grade,
and it was about Jimmy Kuwolski.

The ski man.

You punched me. I got a bruise.

Didn't like talking about the ski man.

You guys knew Roman was around.

You've seen me texting him.

Mysteriously.

You've never even said his name.

Well, I'm saying it now.

- Roman.
- And what do we do about lunch?

- We eat it.
- It's only ever been us girls.

- We have rules.
- We don't have rules.

We have customs. And customs change.

I never let Josh eat with us,

and Josh and I were together eight years.

He worked in the cafeteria,
so he couldn't.

I miss those free brownies.

Climb aboard the train, girls.

Come on. It's leaving the station.

Fine. I don't know what to
talk to him about though.

We can talk about basketball.

- Right?
- Already asleep.

Even he doesn't talk about basketball.

Okay, but we can't talk about
what we talked about yesterday.

Yeah, that would be embarrassing.

Okay, so we can't talk about
what we talked about yesterday

or basketball, but we can find
other things to talk about.

Bring him over.

( Whistles )

( Clears throat )

So, is Wilt Chamberlain still alive?

These are the theater's potential
tax benefits for the entire town?

- It's not enough.
- It's what I came up with.

You figured in flower shops, restaurants,

- parking lots?
- Souvenir vendors, gas stations, Mini-Marts.

- Pot dealers?
- What?

There are people who are
going to want to spark up

before the ballet. Put it in.

I'm definitely not putting that in.

Then close your eyes
and I'll put it in for you.

You know pot's only legal

with a doctor's prescription, right?

So, have a panic attack.

Fake a migraine.

I won't need to fake one in a minute.

You wear glasses, use that.

Michelle: Leave Eric alone, Milly!

Just focus on your own thing.

Jayden. Are you in yet?

I'm into Sam's.

Dopey chick's password was her cat's name.

Super easy hack.

Michelle: Did he say hack?
Are you guys hacking?

This Sal guy's desktop
has got some sort of

advanced firewall.

I gotta go through the local mainframe,

but I'm almost in.

Michelle: There should be
no hacking going on.

Rebekah Brooks. Rebekah Brooks.

It's just information gathering, Michelle.

I have a stack of files
on every person in this town.

Trust me, it comes in handy.

Michelle: Do you have a file on me?

I brought the necklaces you asked for.

Bold, beaded, something
Hillary Clinton would wear

- to Bangladesh.
- She makes killer bead choices.

- Go with black.
- There's so many buttons.

And every time I button a button,

there's another button to button.

Michelle, just come out here please.

( Sighs )

And I was expecting thunderous applause.

- Get that away from me.
- Nope, stand still.

I could play with the crotch a little.

Best offer all day.

It's not the crotch.

Guys, I'm not really
a pantsuit kind of gal.

How about a dress?

No. It has to be a pantsuit.

There is nothing more
intimidating than a pantsuit.

We could try to do some
color blocking on it.

Unless color blocking is code
for destroy, it won't help.

( Cellphone ringing )
That's Sal.

He's calling from his bathroom.

Thanks, Jayden.

Hey there, Sal.

No, I'm sorry.
I know the change was abrupt,

but I'm out of town next week
and this is so important to us,

you understand?

I'll tell you what,
I'll supply some snacks,

make it more like a party than a meeting.

Yes. And to you and yours, Sal.

( Phone beeps )
Michelle, how long does it take

- to put on a jacket?!
- It's on.

I'm just sad.

We're gonna need bigger beads.

Truly,

show me where you keep your jumbo beads.

Jumbo beads?

I love jumbo beads.

Talia, save me!

What is going on here?

( Groans )

- What is this?
- It's a pantsuit.

I know what it is, I just don't know why

it's wrapped around your body.

We're having a preemptive
meeting with the town elders

about our amphitheater. And apparently,

if I wear this, they won't get
us like they got The Edge.

- Because it's weaponized?
- And there's beads.

- I missed you.
- I missed you too.

What's with
"The Social Network" over here?

Oh, this is our super team.

That's accounting, that's our hacker.

I don't know those guys,
but they freak me out.

And this is our board room. Have a seat.

Truly: - Don't sit.
- Sorry, Truly.

Truly, hey girl.

- Hey, girl.
- Love the hair.

Oh thanks, it's just a new thing.

- Talk to me.
- What?

What do you mean what? You're
the one who drove all the way down here

with this mysterious big news of yours.
I need to know. Spill.

Okay. Rick proposed.

( Gasps )
Whoa, really?

Did he get down on one knee?
'Cause that can be fatal at his age.

He did not get down on one knee,

but he did spell it out with rose petals.

Wow! What did you say

after, you know, you stopped throwing up?

- Nothing yet.
- What do you think you're gonna say?

Well, as I was leaving

and I'm kissing my Ricky good-bye

and he was all sweet and adorable,

I was like, "definite yes."

- Yay.
- Then I stopped at Peggy Sue's

on the I-15 and there was this table

of incredibly hot guys right next to me,

so it was "no."

Oh.

Then I stopped at a really cute store

in Cambria. Credit card got declined,

so it was "yes" again.

Then I got a flat tire,

this guy pulls over, changes it for me,

very cute. Very Jon Hamm.

I like Hamm.

- So... right?
- No.

Then I drove for another hour,

really thought about it,

- and...
- I'm hearing a drumroll.

( Gasps )
It's a yes.

Big shiny yes.

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

Congratulations.

Thanks, Trules.

So, drinks and then drinks?

You know my rule. One drink per karat.

So we're getting wasted tonight.

Not in the pantsuit, you're not.

I swear it doesn't have to be like this.

- What, your sandwich?
- No, this.

Talk. Please talk.

About whatever you want. I beg you.

But we don't know basketball.

I don't care about basketball.

Ginny: Okay, fine. Let's talk.

You know, I was rewatching
"The Notebook" the other day,

and I came up with a whole new theory.

Anything but "The Notebook."

Well, I watched "The Vow" the other night,

and I couldn't figure out why...

All Rachel Mcadams
movies are off the table.

- Boo.
- Carl. What's wrong?

I thought your lunches
were an all girl thing.

They were.

- Sasha changed it.
- I didn't change it.

Roman changed it.

Hey, I'm Roman.

Carl.

I didn't know you could
just change the rules.

I didn't know you could
just change them either.

There were never rules.

Well, if there are no rules,
I'm sitting here.

Don't mind me.
Just keep doing what you're doing.

Good luck with that.

What the hell?

Whatever.

Just saw these guys here,
so I figured "hey."

Impeccable logic.

Great. So this is a couples' table now.

- Is that was this is?
- Dez and I are not a couple.

Yeah, it's not like we've
even kissed or anything.

You want to kiss?

You know, as long as
everyone is hooking up,

I might as well go and ask Frankie over.

How about that?

I'll just ask him over.

Hello?

You turn into a puddle
whenever you're around him.

I do not.

No, you get liquid-y pretty quick.

( Distant indistinct chatter )

( Bell rings )

...Seven, eight.

( Piano playing )

Okay, okay. A little bit faster, Brad.

More Ramones, dude.

All right, a little bit faster.

Okay.

- ( Piano plays faster )
- ( Vocalizing with beat )

Okay, everyone. Thank you.

Nice work.

No no no no... no need for formalities.

Move it. Move it.

Clap while you're walking.
Clap while you're walking.

I need my dance bag.

There you go. Move it.

Mama's got a pantsuit to get into.

Hey stragglers, vamoose.

( Murmurs )

Hey, do you guys want to come
see me at Derby tonight?

I can get comps.

- Yeah, I'll go.
- Sasha, you in?

Can't take the toilets.

What about you?

- Me?
- Yeah, want to be my cheerleader tonight?

No, I can't.

Homework.

Michelle: All right, 5:00.

The studio's officially a "no kid" zone.

Anything or anyone up there
is going out the window

if they're not out in 30 seconds.

- Do you want a ride?
- I'm gonna walk.

To each his own.

( Indistinct chattering )

( Sighs )

I feel very uncomfortable.

You look terrifying.

Oh.

Well, thanks.

So, what do you think they're
talking about over there?

They're talking about the fact

that I promised snacks and
they don't seem to be here.

Really? How can you tell?

Michelle, please. I own property.

Okay, we've let them stew long enough.

Let's get this show on the road.

Hello, everyone.

I want to thank you all for
coming on such short notice.

We are so grateful that you were able to

juggle your schedules around like this.

Obviously we have lots
to talk about today.

Yeah, you said

there was gonna be snacks.

Did I?

My goodness, Sal. Apologies.

I have no memory of that.

Should I send someone to the store

to get us some crudites?

- No.
- Okay then.

Why don't we just get going then?

I see you brought easels.

Easels mean presentations.

So since it seems like you have things

you want to present,

I cede the floor to you.

Oh, I can sit now? Great.

Joe: I can't find the permits folder.
Do you have the permits folder?

Stephanie: I put it over there.

I didn't eat because she said snacks.

None of us did.

Crudites is not snacks.

I can't eat anything raw ever.

- It's death.
- I hate Kale.

Sal: Kale. Kale is terrible.

I got the folder. Okay, we're ready.

( Sighs )

Michelle: Why is he looking at my beads?

They look like meatballs.

Sam: Sorry, we were a little disorganized.

Okay, so we have looked
through all of your papers

and as far as we can see,

everything seems to be in order.

Oh, good. That's good, right?

Maybe this is going to be
easier than you thought.

So, the only thing left to discuss

is the environmental impact

that this construction
will have on our community.

What does that mean?

This is a photograph of your land in 1937.

Notice all the trees.

Trees that currently are no longer there.

Where did they go?

I don't really know.

You should. You're wearing the pantsuit.

Sal: By our estimation,

you're planning on felling
at least eight more trees.

No, absolutely not. We have no plans

to fell any trees. I think.

I actually have no idea
what felling a tree would be.

Cutting it down.

Oh, then yeah.

We're gonna fell a bunch of trees.

- Ha!
- We have to make room for the stage.

Well, what about the squirrels?

- The...
- Squirrels live in trees.

You take out the trees, you
are displacing the squirrels.

Where are they going to go?

Well, can't they just
move to another tree?

- Wow.
- Heartless.

That's why we have a Taftpokirip.

Sam: Just move to another tree.

What if you stored your nuts in a tree

and then you went out
one day, you came back

and poof, that tree was gone?

You're kidding, right?

You're a squirrel.
What are you going to do?

Sue? Go to squirrel court?

Say "some lady took my nuts"?

Yeah yeah. I really am
having this conversation.

What if the tree you cut down

was the tree that that
squirrel raised his kids in?

Or he was raised in?

Yes, what if it was his childhood tree?

What do you say to him?

- Or her.
- It absolutely could be a her.

You're going to send some
poor single mother squirrel

out into the wild to find another tree?

When did she become
a single mother squirrel?

When you took down the tree
her husband was sleeping in.

Well, I guess I would say

"Mrs. squirrel, if your husband is just"

"laying around the tree all day"

"while you're out slaving away"

"to put nuts on the table,"

"then you dodged a bullet, my friend."

You're not taking this seriously, are you?

No, I'm not. Sorry.

All you pantsuit wearers are the same.

Not concerned with anyone but yourself.

You know, when I heard about The Edge,

I thought "this story can't be true."

"There must be more to it than that,"

but clearly it's completely true.

No one comes into this community

and does whatever the hell they want.

Yeah, especially not after "Pop."

I paid full price for that turkey.

Look, we're just trying
to do something nice

for the community.

Bring in something new
and artistic to this place.

What a snob.

We don't need you to enlighten us.

We have two community theaters

and a Color Me Mine. We're done.

- Thank you.
- And we'd like our cheese.

( Loud, overlapping chatter )
Really? No no no wait.

You haven't... you only have
talked about the squirrels

and trees and Color Me Mine.

( Arguing continues )

Okay, everyone.

These pants are supposed
to cut me like that.

Sorry.

Okay.

Well, I think we've...

heard all of your concerns.

Seen your presentations.

Now...

let me tell you all

how this is gonna go down.

Oh God. Where is it? Where are you?

Come on. Come on.

- Looking for something?
- Ah! Oh my God.

You spooked me. Don't spook me.

I didn't mean it.

Sorry, it's just you spooked me.

What are you doing?

Homework. It's quiet here.

This? This is quiet?

There are several
adults yelling downstairs.

My mom just found out that Faye Mendelson

and my dad are trying to conceive.

Believe me, it's much more quiet here.

- I'm sorry.
- Par for the course.

Well, Ginny, here's what
I've learned tonight.

If you're gonna have a meeting,
have snacks at that meeting.

You should be writing this down.

Because without snacks, people don't
know what to do with their hands

and they get grumpy.
Snacks. Ginny, snacks.

Snacks.

Good. Now, have you seen a
jacket that looks like this one

but without all the sweat stains?

No. But I'll help you look.

Truly said she'd leave
me a spare somewhere.

I've just been soaking
through this all night.

I don't think I'm cut out
for legal issues and pantsuits.

I wore my first pantsuit when I was nine.

My mom was selling a house
using the baby angle.

So I was basically born in a pantsuit.

Dress guards are my savior.

Dress guards. But honestly,

they'd have to be industrial strength.

'Cause I'll level with you,
I don't perspire.

I freaking sweat.

Here.

Oh, thank you.

This is excessive, even for me.

I was in a donkey costume
for an experimental production

of "Don Quixote"
and I didn't sweat this much.

Hey, you've auditioned for
lots of stuff before, right?

Hit me when I'm down. That's not nice.

They're holding auditions
for "Bells Are Ringing"

at school on Friday.

Oh, I know that show. I like that show.

I going to audition for
the touring company once,

but the night before,
I threw up on the choreographer.

- Oh, you got sick?
- No, I...

Yeah. So I missed the audition.

And if you think this is a lot of sweat,

you should see me after
I throw up on a choreographer.

Well, I was wondering
if maybe you'd help me

prepare for the audition
for "Bells Are Ringing"

at school?

Yeah, sure. Absolutely.

Really? Tomorrow afternoon?

Sure. Yeah, sure.

Sal: Millicent! Where the hell
did you get those pictures?!

Oh God, I better get back down there.

Talia, stop stealing the silver.

God, that is the best shower
I have ever been in.

- Don't say it. - What,
that you've been in a lot of showers?

- I wouldn't dream of it.
- Thank you.

Think Fanny will mind that
we're staying in her house?

- No.
- Think she'll mind I used all her lotion?

- No. - Think she'll
ever know that we stayed in her house

and I used all her lotion?

No.

Wow. Champagne and pizza.

Are we dating bowling champs again?

Nope. We're celebrating.

- Yes. Celebrating what?
- Whoo!

We got the community board
to sign off on the amphitheater,

- so we're good to go.
- Well, congratulations.

My first pantsuit victory.

And I have to say, at first,

I was all against the whole concept,

but now I get it.

It's binding.

So it keeps all your powers in.

Plus, there's no potential
"Basic Instinct" moment.

So suddenly you're not thinking
about how you're sitting

and you'd be surprised how much
brain space that frees up.

Plus, the pockets.

Dance clothes never have any pockets,

but this suit has pockets everywhere.

And...

You can do that.

I have always wanted to do that.

- To Hillary Clinton.
- Hear hear.

Drink up. I want to take my new pantsuit

out for a spin. See if guys can pick up

on my new polyester super powers.

( Cellphone rings )

( Phone beeps )

Vegas.

Hello? This is Talia.

- Who?
- Is it Rick? Is he dead?

What? No. Why would you say that?

You had a "my ancient boyfriend
might be dead" look on your face.

Shh. Yeah, no. Of course I do.

How have you been?

Wow. That's pretty good.

Uh-huh. You're kidding.

You're kidding! You're kidding.

- I don't think they're kidding.
- Well, I don't know.

I'm not really...

um, okay.

Sure.

I will talk to you later.

- Whoa.
- What?

Do you remember Andy Donnelly?

- The one who only wears bike shorts?
- No.

- The one who punched Don Rickles?
- No.

He was at Crazy Horse Paris
when I worked there, remember?

- A bunch of years ago?
- The choreographer.

- Sort of.
- Sort of?

- He parked cars.
- How is that sort of a choreographer?

- The parking lot was very tricky.
- Right.

Anyhow, we had like a two week thing,

and I haven't talked
to him for eight years

and now he's one of the producers

- of "Rock Of Ages."
- Are you serious?

Yeah, and he has a part to fill ASAP,

- and thought of me.
- After eight years he thought of you.

- Just like that?
- I guess so.

You sleep with a guy for two weeks

and eight years later, he just
thinks of you for a part.

- What are you implying?
- That you are really good in bed.

- Well, duh.
- Wow.

A part. "Rock Of Ages."

- New York?
- Touring for now,

but they pull a lot of
their Broadway replacements

from the touring company,
so it's not out of the question.

New York!

Geez, that's great.

Yeah, he's gonna call later with details.

- So?
- So...

So why aren't you excited?

I am. I just don't know if I can do it.

Sure you can.
Have you seen "Rock Of Ages"?

- Michelle...
- My pantsuit could do "Rock Of Ages."

- I just got engaged.
- So?

So I'm just supposed to up and take off?

I could be gone for like a year.

He could go with you.

Most hotels have wheelchair ramps now.

Rick does not want
to follow me around on tour,

and New York is out. Ricky hates New York.

So you're just gonna turn it down?

I don't know.
It's just so out of the blue.

It's crazy! I've been sitting in Vegas

on my ass for five years, and nothing.

The minute I get engaged.

I guess when it rains, it pours.

I guess so.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

It's nice to be thought of though.

It is. It definitely is.

Well, I guess this is to you then.

We both have something
to celebrate tonight.

Yeah.

- Where are you going?
- I'll be right back.

I'm gonna take this pantsuit off.

Pizza, sauce, you know.

( Door jiggling )

( Chuckles )
Hi.

Hi.

- Was the door locked?
- No.

- Was it stuck?
- No.

( Sighs )

Well, it's a stupid knob anyhow.

You been waiting long?

Nope. Hour, hour and a half tops.

Sorry about that. Was out late celebrating

with a friend.
The day kind of got away from me.

She had a good night eight years ago,

and look at her now, right?

I got a pantsuit rash.

- Yikes.
- Yeah.

Okay, so what are we doing here?

Well, it's called "A Perfect Relationship"

from "Bells Are Ringing."

I have to sing
and there's a little routine.

And I set up a switchboard
because she works at...

Okay, right.

So, should I just jump in?

Both feet.

What you got there?

- I've got the song.
- On that?

- Yeah.
- No more cassette tapes, huh?

- That's old lady crap now?
- What?

Uh, yeah. Go ahead.

I had to use cassette tapes.

- What?
- Babbling. Moving on.

Never turn up your nose at a valet parker.

- Okay.
- It's a good tip.

- I'm sure.
- They have long memories, those guys.

Right.

So, should I...

What? Yes, right.

Entertain me.

( Piano playing )

♪ It's crazy ♪

♪ ridiculous ♪

♪ it doesn't make sense ♪

♪ that's true ♪

♪ but what can I do ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ with a man ♪

♪ Plaza-oh-double-four- double-three ♪

♪ it's a perfect relationship ♪

♪ I can't see him, he can't see me ♪

♪ I'm in love with a voice ♪

♪ Plaza-oh-double-four-double-three ♪

- How do you stop this?
- Oh, push the...

Oh yeah. I got it.

( Music stops )

Start again.

( Piano playing )

♪ I'm in love with a man ♪

♪ Plaza-oh-double-four-double-three ♪

Sing out, Louise.

( Louder )
♪ It's a perfect relationship ♪

♪ I talk to him and he just talks to me ♪

And thanks for the nap.

( Music stops )
Sorry.

- You done warming up?
- I...

I can come back when you're ready.

- I'm not very good at this.
- Way to sell.

- Sorry.
- When you show up for an audition,

audition, okay?

You can't count on some guy you
had a brief hot fling with

10 years ago remembering you

and calling you out of the
blue for a part, right?

- Right.
- That's a freak event.

Never happens. Never.

To most of us. Okay?

( Exhales )

All right, bring it, meat.

( Piano playing )

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ with a man ♪

♪ Plaza-oh-double-four-double-three ♪

Look at the audience.

♪ It's a perfect relationship ♪

♪ I can't see him, he can't see me ♪

All right, not that much. It's creepy.

♪ I'm in love with a voice ♪

♪ Plaza-oh-double-four-double-three ♪

Think about what you're singing.

♪ It's a perfect relationship ♪

♪ I talk to him, and he just talks to me ♪

Act it. Don't sing it.

♪ And yet I can't help wondering ♪

♪ what does he look like ♪

♪ I wish I knew ♪

No!

♪ What ♪

♪ does he look like ♪

♪ is he six foot seven or three foot two ♪

No!
♪ Has he eyes of brown ♪

♪ or baby blue ♪

Both: ♪ Big and mighty or underfed ♪

♪ trim black mustache or beard of red ♪

♪ can he dance like Fred Astaire ♪

♪ is he dark or is he fair ♪

♪ pompadour or not a hair ♪

♪ but I don't care ♪

♪ but he's still ♪

♪ just a voice ♪

♪ Plaza-oh-double-four-double-three ♪

♪ what a perfect relationship ♪

♪ I can't see him, he can't see me ♪

♪ he calls me "mum" ♪

♪ he thinks I'm 63 ♪

♪ and I'll never meet him ♪

♪ and he'll never meet me ♪

♪ no, he'll never ♪

♪ meet me. ♪

Wow.

That was so good.

Yeah, really?

I thought I was a little off at the end.

No, it was perfect.

Okay, good good.

It was good. I did good.

Thanks.

Um, Michelle?

Yeah?

Oh, crap.

Right. From the top.

( Piano playing )
( Whispers )

♪ I'm in love with a man ♪

♪ Plaza-oh-double-four-double-three. ♪

( Sighs )

Oh.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Hey.

You going in?

Yeah.

I am going in.
That's where I was headed. In.

There are things known,

and things unknown.

And in between are the doors.

What does that mean?

Go in.

Right.

Well well well, there she is,

ladies and gentlemen.

The conquering hero returns.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I can't believe you actually did it.

You actually auditioned for a school play.

Why didn't you tell us?

I did tell you and you mocked me.

- We did.
- We have been silenced and chastened.

We heard you were great.

You did? From who?
And did they say great or really great?

Ally was working on sets and she said

everyone was talking about you.

Were they? How dear.

- What?
- She's being obnoxious and pretentious.

Well, us in the biz
have to have a healthy ego.

- That's how we survive.
- How'd you finally get the nerve?

I asked Michelle to coach me.

- You're kidding.
- She was mean

and called me names,
and then she showed me

how good she is and how bad I was,

and then she threw her water on me.

Though I'm not sure
that was totally on purpose.

- Sounds awesome.
- It was awesome.

Because if I could get up
and sing in front of her,

Mrs. Merkowski,
the half-deaf music teacher

wasn't going to be a problem.

And she wasn't, and I rocked.

- We bow to you.
- As well you should.

- So, when do you hear?
- Callbacks are Tuesday.

It's between me, Sari Enfield,

and Tyrone Fredricks.

Melanie: Oh, Ty's good.

Yeah, but he played the lead in
"The Prime Of Miss Jean Brody"

last year, so they've got to
go with fresh blood this time.

Get it, don't get it, it doesn't matter.

All that matters is that
I am now officially fabulous.

( Frankie and Cozette chatter )

Okay.

Excuse me a sec.

Hey there, sailor.
Doing a little sketch, are you?

Working on a mural for the studio.

A mural.

So Diego Rivera.

Fanny told me if I was
gonna sit here every day,

I had to do something.

It was this or tights.

Well, personally, I'd vote for both.

Hey, Frankie,

you know what I was thinking today

after my audition?

I was thinking, you and me,

we should hang.

- Huh?
- You know, hang.

Do some hanging.

Of your pictures.

Which I... I bet need to be hung.

Um...

I'm not warmed up.

- What the hell?
- Shut up.

Wow. That was awkward.

Like white shorts in a rainstorm awkward.

But here is the bright spot.

Frankie actually loves awkward.

He thrives on it.

It's comfortable that
he has a problem with.

So you've just made some serious headway.

- Why are you talking to me?
- Oh, I was just...

I didn't ask your opinion.

I didn't ask you to come over here

and I don't know what gave you
the impression that I did.

- I was just trying...
- Don't.

Don't try anything.

Go take your massive wardrobe

and your "oh so cool" attitude,

and find another person to bother.

Hey, Heidi?

It doesn't really matter to me

whether we're friends or not,

but just to clarify,

my family is tight. Zappa tight.

So if you want a chance with the brother,

you're gonna have to be cool with me.

Sorry.

I just think if I go he won't wait.

Long-distance relationships can be hard.

I had a boyfriend
who was in the Peace Corps.

We were together for two
weeks before he left,

and then he was gone for a year.

You're kidding.

And I was completely faithful.

How?

It was very difficult.

I watched a lot of "Little
House On The Prairie" reruns,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, sure.

And when he came back, he had a beard

and dirty fingernails.

And he drank this tea
that smelled like cigarettes

and I just found him
completely disgusting.

Plus, he had married one of the villagers,

so complete waste of time.

Hey, I made high tea with
scones and clotted cream.

I want one.

- Here.
- What are you doing?

I don't know,

but it's not going to include a pantsuit.