Bunheads (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Astronaut and the Ballerina - full transcript

I think I forgot
to finish high school.

I'm a dropout.
Not even a dropout--

Dropping out
implies action.

I just...
Didn't finish.

My dad and faye mendelson
set the wedding location.

- Fun.
- It's the same place
he married my mom.

No way.

The day I lost my husband
was the worst day of my life.

Of course I lost him to
the divorcee in the jeggings
across the street.

- So what's up with charlie?
- What do you mean?

What did he do
to make her dump him?



Nothing.
He was totally smitten.

( gasps )

Here's to being dumb.

I have a masters
in oceanography.

So they let high school
dropouts get phds?

I didn't say I was
a high school dropout.

I'm guessing that
you and me tonight,
we're not--

No. Not tonight.

- In a better outfit.
- Did he say something
bad to you?

Saw your moves.

Bartender, the girl.

I think you might dig it.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Stop.



Everyone, just stop.

You just killed
baryshnikov.

( exhales )

Well, would you mind
showing us the combination

Again, jordan?

Oh, sure.

What have I got
but loads of time

And sincere enthusiasm

To show you the same
freaking thing

Over and over again?

Move.

Do that.

They kill baryshnikov
again?

I just need to do
something on the
computer here.

I'll be super quick.
Quiet as a mouse.

( computer dings )

From now on,
jordan, sir.

Let's try it again,
everyone.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Sharper, ray-ray.

Cleaner, ginny.
Cleaner.

Be smaller, boo.

- Smaller?
- Don't talk back.

Matisse, stop.
Stop!

Focus, okay.

Without focus, your life
is gonna be jumping

From alcoholic
boyfriend to another.

Is that what you want?

I don't think so.

Hey, jordan,
let's take five here.

They look like
they need a break.

When don't they?
Take five.

Jordan, your group
is wilting here.

And the kids
in the corner,

They wanted to
stretch before class.

I mean,
come on.

"be smaller."

What a jerk.

I hate him
so much.

Me too.

But I'm also
in love with him.

Me too.

- But not anymore.
- Same here.

He's so insane today.
He hasn't even noticed

- That melanie isn't here.
- Why isn't she here?

He's looking.

You're not challenging
them enough.

You can see it
in their dancing,

Their barre work,
their legs,

- Their posture.
- Jordan.

We're talking a break.
We're not doing anything wrong.

Bastard's gotten
into my head.

Sasha's awol too,
by the way.

Well, I know
where she is.

- Really?
- In that building
her aunt owns.

- She moves in next week.
- Who's she living with?

No one.
It's just her.

I used to dream about
getting married to jordan

And living in
our own apartment.

Kissing him on the cheek
when he comes home,

And making dinner
for him every night.

- But not anymore.
- Same here.

He's been a jerk
forever, matisse.

Are you just
catching up?

- ( phone ringing )
- boo, that's your phone.

- Michelle: Let's not get
into my background.
- Jordan: None of them are me.

They don't want
to be you.

Who wouldn't
want to be me?

Mom, hey, I'm at class
so make it quick.

The tv fell over?

Did it fall on anyone?

How can you
not be sure?

I know you can do that.
I know you can do it.

I know you can do it.
I know you can do it.

Please stop doing that!

So just lonnie is missing?

Well, do you see
any parts of lonnie

Sticking out from
under the tv?

Yeah, I'll wait.

Uh, boo?

So he's there.
Good.

- Good. This is good.
- ( mouths words )

Boo.

Were you talking
on your phone?

- No.
- ( yelling, thumping )

Wait, what is that?
Is that screaming?

It's grant and dominik.
They're locked in
the dressing room.

- Why?
- They know why.

( sighs )
I'll be right back.

Gather around.
Next step.

Do that.

( sighs )

( theme music playing )

- ( whistle blows )
- go!

Pick up your feet.
Go go go go.

Bend those knees.

It's not ballet class,
come on! Let's go.

Keep the line
in the middle.

I don't want us
straggling in the front.

Keep it going.

Go go go!

All right,
pick up your feet.

Come on, low.
Derby stance.

Nice feet, lolita.

Come on.

( whistle blows )

All right.

You've been watching
for two days,

You want to
give it a shot?

( grunting )

Sure.

- You're late.
- So is everyone else.

They called.
You didn't.

I was at ballet.
Michelle kept us over.

Then I'll complain
to michelle.

She didn't do
anything wrong,

Here. Something
to entertain you
until they come.

- Dad--
- don't say it's too early.

I totally is.
I'm barely into
my junior year.

We know people who planned
their kids' college

- At kindergarten.
- That's a sickness.

You're supposed to
leave your keys.

I parked
my own car.

After running it
through the valet area.

Is that why all
those chinese guys

Were staring at me?

- Hey, claire.
- Hi, guys.

- Hey, ginny.
- Hi, mr. Segal.

Where's alice?

She's down
for the count.

She's got this
awful cold.

Mom has a cold?

Can I get you something
to drink, claire?

I'd love a drink.

You just muddle
some mint leaves
and some lime

With cane sugar
and orange liqueur

And then you add
some ice and some rum

And you top it all
with apple juice.

It's a chinese
restaurant, mom.

They don't do
gay marines.

White wine
is okay, I guess.

I'll have whatever
you have on tap.

White wine is
actually great.

You're in a chipper
mood, claire.

I am.

Because...

I am not gonna
let it get me down.

Let what
get you down?

Here we go.

Hello, ginny's father
is marrying faye mendelson

In less than a week.

Yeah, we're going.

You are?

If that's okay?

Oh, of course it is.

I want you to go,
dougie,

Really I do.

So how's the real-estate
business

- I hear it's, you know--
- have you seen...

That insane wedding blog
that they have?

- No, not me.
- Yes, I have.
Many times.

Faye mendelson is chronicling
their whole stupid life

With photographs
and diary entries.

Gil is surfing now

And the man is 45.

He's starting to surf.

He likes it, mom.

And all those
photos of faye

Cuddling her dog like that,

It's just bestial.
Call the spca.

( chuckles )

What's so funny?

Nothing. I guess.

Mom. You're being busted
by the valet police.

Bring 'em on.

Come on, claire.
Let's go give them
your keys

Before this becomes
an international incident.

All right.

You're really going
to the wedding, dougie?

I mean, I know
you knew him first,

But he's changed
so much.

- Wow.
- She's on that blog
night and day

Commenting anonymously.

The website blocks
dirty words,

Or there would be
some saucy things

Written about those dogs.
Believe me.

Oh, check this out.

What is that?
A box?

That's my bridesmaid dress.

- This has got to
be a mistake.
- It's not.

It's a giant
rectangle, why?

Because every time
I go to my dad and
faye's place,

Faye stares
at my boobs.

She told my dad
that they remind her

Of my mom's boobs
and she doesn't want
to be reminded

Of my mom's boobs
at the wedding.

So she's forcing me
to wear a dress

Shaped like
a shower curtain.

Cruel and unusual.

( sighs )
I don't want to
look at it anymore.

So where have
you been?

What do you mean?

I mean where
have you been?

I never
see you anymore.

I see you every day
at school.

You're skipping ballet.
You don't answer my texts.

Dad's got me
touring colleges.

- Really?
- We just got back
from driving around

U.C. Santa barbara.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, well at least
answer my texts.

Some of them are
even important.

I will.
I promise.

Here.

While you have a shot.

Good thinking.

( laughing )

Of all the gin joints
in all the towns

In all the world,
she has to walk into mine.

"casablanca."

I know "casablanca".

- Okay.
- I've seen "casablanca."

I can spell
casablanca.

I've been to
casablanca.

I was just
trying to be cute.

I thought "hey there"
would be boring

So I thought
I'd throw in a--

Never mind.
Starting again.

- Hey there.
- Hey.

- For me?
- Yep.

- Guilt gift?
- Yep.

I like the wrapping paper.

It's my 2004
tax return.

Nice.

"finding nemo."

See? It's the perfect
thing for us

'cause you're an expert
on the ocean,

And I like
talking fish.

Very nice.
Thank you.

Sorry for what I said.

No worries.

I talk, therefore I am.

Not always
a bad thing.

Can I buy you
a drink?

Yes, you can.

Something with bourbon
and an umbrella.

( laughing )

What are they
celebrating?

Tuesday.

My favorite holiday.

- So guess what I did?
- Safer not to.

I went online
and read your thesis.

- You're kidding.
- No.

( chuckles )
I'm impressed.

Well, don't be.
I only understood

About 1/10 of it.
Plankton.

I got that.
And your name.

And I think
you mentioned orca

And I did
see that movie.

Did I mention
I didn't finish
high school?

Points for trying.

Guess that alcohol buzz
is starting to wear off.

Yep. Now they
all get tired.

And the one on the diet
eats every cold french fry

She can find.

They'll probably
leave soon.

And then you'll
be all alone.

Might as well
just close.

With the whole night
ahead of you?

How will you
fill the time?

And then I got into
this whole thing

With the lady
I was understudying

'cause I started
dating her husband.

They were separated--
well, he said they were
separated,

But I should have known
something was weird

When he never let me
come over to his house.

I had to go to the corner
of sixth and 53rd

And get in line
at this halal cart

Till he showed up
and dropped a note
in my purse

Telling me which
hotel to meet him at.

And since I didn't have
a phone number for him,

If he was late,
I just ordered,

And if he still didn't
show I had to eat

'cause otherwise
I'm weird. Whatever.

The point is
she finally found out,

Got mad and then
never missed a show

Plus I smelled
like garlic sauce
the entire run.

That is not
a true story.

Okay, fine,
you're right.

It was
a mr. Softee truck.

- ( chuckles )
- scotty?

You have flower pots?
Who gave you flower pots?

What are you
doing here?

You kill flower pots.

And they fling
themselves off windowsills.

I can't believe this.
Are you a lounge singer now?

Long stories
to have beer by.

Wow, I just--

Oh, sorry. This is
my brother scotty.

Scotty,
this is godot.

Well, hello,
young man.

I'm so glad
to see you.

Come in,
come in.

Oh boy, I--

It's okay.
Another night.

It's good
to meet you.

You too.

Seriously?
Even mrs. Robinson's

Giving you
a weird look right now.

I thought you were
in madison.

Well, a funny thing happened
on the way to madison.

So, madison.

Right. So I was
on my way to madison

And I stopped
at this diner

And there was
a hostess.

Not even a waitress?

A hostess is a step up
from a waitress.

No.

You're a waitress first
and then a hostess.

- It's a promotion.
- Not at all.

Well,
she was a redhead

So one thing led
to another.

Oh no.
You got married again?

- Never made it
out of tupelo.
I know. I know.

How many marriages
does this make?

- Four?
- You're asking me?

No, four.
This makes four.

Oh my god.

But you know,
she was different.

- How?
- She spoke very
little english.

Perfect.

But she had these
eyes that were epic.

I felt if I could
just stare in this
woman's eyes

For the rest
of my life,

I would be
a very happy man.

So what happened?
Ooh, cake.

Well, the first
month was great.

And then we
started fighting,

And then
we got engaged,

Then we fought
some more,

And then I found out
she wore

Colored contact
lenses.

That's when I realized,
big mistake.

What else was there
to think?

I'm standing at the altar
in my rented tux

And she's hurtling
down the aisle

Like a giant
crinoline comet,

And I'm thinking
to myself,

"I have got to
get out of this."

- So you bolted.
- Yeah.

- When?
- Right after "ymca."

Well, you don't
want to miss that.

So I wrote her a note,
I grabbed you some cake,

And I exited stage left.

Can I give you
a piece of advice?

If you keep getting engaged
to perfect strangers

And then bailing
on the wedding night,

You have to buy a tux.

I keep marrying
the wrong girl.

You keep marrying mom.

Well, that's not too
disturbing of a statement.

Well, if the creepy
psychological profile fits.

You mind if I crash here
for a few days?

Couch is all yours.

Thanks.

Well, so,
this is the new pad.

It's not what
I pictured at all.

No?
What'd you picture?

Something less decorated
and without a roof.

You're hilarious.

How long do you
plan to be here?

Why, you gonna have
your mail forwarded?

Just asking.

How attached are you
to your toothbrush?

There's an extra one
under the sink.

I don't know what problem
you had with this girl,

But boy, could she
pick a cake.

I know.
I can't imagine what
that must have felt like.

Hey, I grew up with him.

No one knows
how flaky he is
better than me.

Hey, what'd you do
to the coffee guy?
He hates your guts.

Yes, absolutely.
Send it all c.O.D.

Toss it in a box,
tape it up and ship it off.

Throw some bricks in
'cause they charge by weight.

What are you doing?

Getting your stuff.

Oh good.

I mean, seriously,
it's not even remotely
heartfelt or poetic.

And it just makes him
seem way smarter than
he is, trust me.

Hey, get my
purple sweater back.

- You have a purple sweater?
- It's a very nice purple.

- Michelle.
- It might make her
feel better.

Just get the sweater.

Mandy, there's
a purple sweater?

Oh really?

She says it's hers.

It is not hers.

- I believe her.
- Great.

Oh no no.
I'm here. I'm here.

I'm not going
anywhere, mandy.

I'm gonna check out
the rest of the town.

What stores have you
not alienated yet?

No, how bad was
the sex, mandy?

- Oh, come on.
- She hung up
a minute ago.

Oh, thank god.

- A purple sweater?
- It's more like lavender.

So not better.

All right, everyone.
Places at the barre.

Port de bras.

One. Open, two.

And demi plie.

And stretch.

And demi plie.

Keep moving, boys.
Keep moving.

I'm so sorry.
So so sorry.

I am just gonna
set them up here.

Over here, guys.

Oh, what's this?

Beaver.

Beaver. Beaver.

Beaver.

His name's beaver?

Beaver.

What did I say
about ignoring me?

Beaver: You're not my mom.

Boo: Okay, but right now
I am your mom.

- His name's beaver?
- Sorry, guys.

Hugely embarrassed.
So so sorry.

Where are the legos?

- They're in the bag.
- This isn't all of them.

- I want to make a castle.
- Well, make a condo.
That's fun too.

His name's beaver?

Yes, the kid's
name is beaver.

- Deal.
- Boo.

I'm sorry.

But then he got held up at work
and it was either skip ballet

- Or bring them here.
- Okay, this is a one
time thing, right?

A one time thing.
I promise.

And carl will be here
any minute to take them.

All right, everyone.
Let's continue.

Demi plie.

And stretch.

And demi plie.

- What? What happened?
- I want that out of your
nose right now, young man.

You do not know whose
nose that's been in.

I'm so sorry.

And demi plie.

And stretch.

And demi plie.

- Ooh, purple.
- Beaver.

Your hand is down
your pants again.

Nobody wants
to see that.

Sorry.

I am so sorry
if you guys saw that.

I am so so sorry.

And demi plie.

And stretch.

- I got them.
- ( groaning )

I got them, michelle.

Okay, guys?

Get in the car.
We're going back
to the house.

- Aw, I like it here.
- So do I,

But we're in the way.

So we're going
to the car now.

- No!
- Okay, guys.

Listen, if you
get in my car,

I'll give you candy.

Stranger danger!

He's not a stranger,
beaver.

He's your uncle carl.

Now get in the car.

Come on.

( moans )

Don't touch me.

( door closes )

Okay, people,
let's get this class

Moving again.
Come on.

You heard the woman.

And demi plie.

And stretch.

And demi plie.

And stretch.

And grand plie.

And stretch.

- Eat, lonnie.
- But I'm all sticky.

I wanted asian food.

Everything's
getting cold.

- And sticky.
- Chris, stop playing
with your spoon.

I'm still sticky.

What is this
and how did it
get all over me?

It's what our lives
are now, carl.

We're sticky
and we're tired.

Adjust.

Those two have kids?

There's nothing else
to do in this town.
Come on.

Greetings, señorita.

- He's talking to me.
- I guessed as much.

Hi there.
Nice t-shirt.

It's my Sunday best.

It's good to
see you again, man.

You too. Man.

We'll have--
what do you think?
Tequila shots?

It's christmas morning
all over again.

He gets younger
every time I see him.

He gets hotter
every time I see him.

You disgust me with
your carnal ways.

Okay, help me find
wife number four.

- Five.
- Whatever.

How about blonde
pixie-cut behind me?

- No.
- Why?

So if something goes wrong,
I'll have to find
another manicurist.

Or a town with more
than one manicurist.

Okay, back table,

Brunette with
the bangs.

- Nyet.
- Why?

- She's with a guy.
- I don't care.

She's the mother of
one of my students.

Fine.

Red beret
and leggings?

- Bible study teacher.
- Moving on.

Ponytail
by the planter?

Bagel chip girl
at the farmers' market.

Fat broad
by the window?

She works with truly,
and you can't

Sleep with truly either.

- Why not?
- 'cause she's just weird.

Look, if you're gonna block
all my action tonight,

I say you can't sleep
with junior over there.

He's the only bartender
I know in town.

If something happens,
I won't be able
to get a drink.

Well, I'm not
sleeping with him now,

- So ha.
- Good.

Why good?

Well, he's
not your type.

He seems
kind of dumb.

He's not dumb.
I'll have you know

He's an oceanographer.

You're kidding.
That's a thing?

It's a thing.

Wow, okay.

To oceanography then.

Hear hear.

Both: Ahh.

Mm.

You are now
and will always be

My favorite
drinking buddy.

It's good
to see you too.

Keep them coming, son.

Tonight, we settle
all family business.

And we get to get
really really drunk.

Hey, did we pay?

- Mmm.
- I don't remember
if we paid.

You can pay him tomorrow.

In kisses.

Sweet, gentle, little
oceanography kisses.

I hate running out
on a check

When I didn't
intend to.

What?
( gasps )

My ukulele.

You found it.

Mm.

- Oh.
- ( strums )

It sounds the same.

- Terrible.
- Yeah. The same.

Oh man.

This is the only good
gift mom ever got me.

The only one
I ever wanted.

Do you remember

That ancient console
record player we had

When we were growing up?

The needle was
big and sharp

And the speaker grills smelled
like wood and cigarettes.

Judy garland's "life is
just a bowl of cherries"

Over and over
and over...

- I love that song.
- And over and over

And over and over
and over and over.

I wonder where that is.

Mom still has it.

She still has everything.

( sighs )
my ukulele.

Thank you for finding it.

You're welcome.

Now maybe you can help me
find my life.

Mm, I'm gonna need a super big
compass for that one.

Ah, what am I gonna do?

Brush your teeth.
You haven't brushed your teeth.

I always thought
when I grew up,

I'd be some
kind of big shot.

A fat cat
with a big cigar.

Yeah.
Bossing people around.

Do something where
you wear a uniform.

You'd look really
good in a uniform.

I would look good
in a uniform.

It's not too late
to be an astronaut.

Or a fireman.

Or a ballerina.

You were supposed
to be a ballerina.

Mmm.

Astronaut, yeah.
I'll be an astronaut.

And tomorrow we'll figure out
what your life's supposed to be.

Ballerina.

- ( rock music playing )
- ( shouting )

Watch the pivot.

Stripy helmet girl?

She's like
your quarterback.

She calls the plays.

- Are your pads scratchy?
- Very.

They'll loosen up
the more you fall.

- If I fall.
- You're gonna fall.

- Right.
- So have fun.

Don't be mean.

No pushing,
no elbows--

This is a sport
with rules.

- Remember it.
- Got it. Remember the rules.

You're not wearing
that necklace are you?

- Why?
- You like your head?

Losing the necklace.

A couple of pointers,

Bam-bam mcgee.
Look at her wrong,
you're going down.

I thought we weren't
supposed to be mean.

Groan of arc.
She'll give you some
slack for a while,

Then she gets rough,
aggressive. Be ready.

And the twins out there,
scary skate and crashley olsen,

They will squeeze you
like a watermelon seed.

This is the time half
the girls who sign up

Quit, fyi.

I'm not quitting.

I'm ready.

Good.

Are my skates
on right?

( whistle blows )

Only one way
to find out.

( whistle blows )

Hold her.
She's right behind us.

Hold her.
Hold her.

Right here.

( grunts )

You okay, mel?

I'm fantastic.

Well, get back
out there.

Where the hell
have you been?

- Just out. Why?
- Why?!

This is not a time
to go john gotti
on me, melanie.

This is a time
of emergency.

- What's this?
- Guess.

The bridesmaid's
dress.

It's a tank with wings
and a rumpus room.

What's it doing here?

If my mother found it,
she might chablis-up

And take
a knife to it.

Then you wouldn't
have to wear it.

- I have to wear it.
- I know.

Now listen.

Why aren't you
answering your phone?

- Must be off?
- Flake city,

- I won't have it!
- Okay, sorry.

You cannot have
your phone off

From now
until the wedding.

- It's crisis time, get it?
- Got it.

Faye mendelson has
gone into a total
defensive posture.

She moved the photo
shoot up a week

To keep my mother
off the scent.

Aren't you supposed
to do the photo shoot

The day of the wedding?

When everyone's
already there, yes.

But faye's not
taking chances.

Oh, she is going
to great expense

To make sure my mother
doesn't show up.

And she's brining
a trampoline.

Why?

I don't know.

You'll come with me
to the photo shoot?

Help with the dress,
the makeup,

Maybe suicide
assistance?

Absolutely.

Hi, everyone.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

( cellphone ringing )

Hello? Mom?

Okay, how do you know

Faye mendelson
is getting a massage

And left her dog
in the car?

Are you following her?

What does "kind of
following her" mean?

You're either following her
or you're not.

No, mom.

Hey.

- Hi, cozette.
- Oh, we're talking.

- Yeah, sorry.
- No worries.

No, she will
know who it is

If something
happens to her dog.

She will know.

I get what's
going on.

Group dynamics are
naturally resistant
to alteration.

What is that,
like physics?

Madonna.

So why don't you
skate for the team?

I thought that's why
you gave me the flyer.

My brother and I
do the music.

When you saw me the other day,
we were getting our

Set list together.

The dog is innocent.

He's an innocent party.

Do not touch the dog!

You need a name,
you know.

For what?

A skater name.
Everyone's got a name.

Oh, yeah.
I haven't really
thought about it.

We'll think about it.
My brother and me

Named half the team.
Leave it to us.

So you're walking
down the street

Away from
faye mendelson's car

And the dog
is fine.

Okay. Go home.
Chablis-up.

I'll see you later.

( phone beeps )

We should get
downstairs.

Right behind you.

I don't think you
understand what it's like.

Your parents
are normal.

They do normal things
and eat normal food.

And even though your
mother counts the peas

I think that's thoughtful.
More thoughtful than
wandering the house

At night like
lady macbeth.

You did not
forget your shoes.
I drove you off.

I drove her off
just like my mother

Drives everyone off.

"we mock the things
we are to be."

You know who said that?
Mel brooks.

He was talking about how
we make fun of our parents

And then we grow up
and turn into our parents.

And that line popped
into my head yesterday

So I started looking
through old photo albums
of my mother

Trying to figure out
exactly when her crazy set in

So I can be prepared.

I think it started
around college.

That's the first time
I saw her do that

Really wild-eyed
thing she does.

So I guess I've got
about three to four years

Before I go
barking mad

Which is good.

Now I'm ready for it.
I can plan ahead.

You know, have a lot of
rounded corners in my house.

Wear soft, bouncy clothing.

Stock up on tissue,
ice cream,

- Voodoo dolls.
- Are you dutch?

- What?
- Dutch. Are you dutch?

- I--
- your face reminds me
of a vermeer.

It does?

"the milkmaid."

I drink milk.

Michelle:
All right, everyone.
Butts to the barre.

Well, I should
get this over there.

Hey.

Genius is often
touched with madness.

That's what makes it fun.

- Tick, tock.
- I guess so.

Ow.

Come on, let's go.
Move move move.

Up up up.
Come on.

There's no one in here
you can date.

I just thought I'd come
watch my sister

Shape young lives.

I'm just
teaching a class.

You are just
teaching a class.

- Stop.
- What?

You're being
a little bit douchey.

Of authority before.
Except that year

You dressed up like
angie dickinson
for Halloween.

Ha ha. Go away.

I'm not gonna
disrupt anything.

- Scotty.
- I'm just gonna
sit right here

And watch you teach.

I think it'll
be interesting.

And possibly hilarious.

All right, everyone.
First position.

( piano playing )

Demi, straight.

Grand plie.

Nice. Beautiful.

Next group.

All right, four turns
are not better than three
if you fall, dude.

Cozette, so good,
but I need that hold

Before you
float through.

I'm sorry?

You have to hit
that arabesque strong.

And then square
everything off.

Then leading
with the chin,

Arm up and then
float through, okay?

Ahh.

Like this.

Yes. Great.

Perfect. Nice.

Pointe shoes on,
everyone.

Wow, that cozette,
she's very--

- Intense?
- And weird.

I mean weird
in a good way,

- But who the hell is she?
- Beats me.

And why does she bring
that sketch artist with her

- Everywhere she goes?
- That's her brother.

Oh, okay. Yeah,
not any less weird.

Who brings their brother
with them everywhere they go?

Oh, hey, scotty.
This is my brother scotty.

Nice hoofing.
Making michelle look
good out there.

Thank you from the president
of "I have no coordination

Incorporated."

So seriously,
how is she as a teacher?

- She's good.
- Really?

Accept the answer
and go sit down.

It is so weird
to see you as
a teacher.

I know, right?

Thanks, matisse.

You guys have
to understand,

When michelle
was a kid,

She hated
her ballet teacher.

Okay, we're in
the middle of
a class here.

No, it was like
a deep deep hatred.

An obsessive hatred.

And then one night
she saw this movie.

And it had...
Margaret o'brien,

- Remember?
- No.

So, margaret o'brien
was this ballet student

And she idolized
this old ballerina.

She wasn't old.
She was older

And then one day,
this other ballerina
comes to town

And steals the lead
in "swan lake"

From margaret o'brien's
ballerina.

So she decides to sabotage
the new ballerina

By turning off
the stage lights,

But she opens a trapdoor
in the floor by mistake,

And the ballerina
falls into it.

Oh my god,
what happened?

Paralyzed, wheelchair.

To you. To michelle,
it was inspiration.

So michelle decides to
cut a hole in the floor

Of her ballet class

So that old lady
vinshtick

Would fall in and
paralyze herself.

I did not.

She breaks in
in the middle of the night

And tries to cut
a hole in the floor with--

With safety scissors
and a grapefruit spoon.

It didn't go
very well.

Wow.

Okay, shoes back on?
Great.

Back to the center.
Go.

- Nice kids.
- They sure are.

So how much longer
you got here?

I'm thinking dinner.

Don't know. Class,
some bookkeeping.

You might be
on your own tonight.

Oh.

Echappe, echappe, echappe,
pas de chat.

Five, six, seven, eight.

( piano playing )

Sonic youth segueing
into little richard
totally worked last night.

As predicted.

Lil' wayne segueing
into brad paisley did not.

Did you know
he was country?

The paisley thing
threw me off.

You blending in?

- Me?
- Yeah you.

Trying to.

The name will help.

Just gotta
think of one.

- We already did that.
- You're gonna like it.

But you don't
even know me.

Yo! Cleo-smacktra,
get in here.

Cleo-smacktra?

Cool.

That beaver.
He's evil.

There's evilness
in that kid.

At least I'm not late
to class today. Good.

The hand of lucifer
has touched that child.

No time for
the dressing room though.

He played us
against each other.

How did we
let him do that?

He caught us
at a bad time.

I would never call you
doo-doo head.

You thought I would
call you doo-doo head.

I didn't know what
he was saying, okay?

I didn't know
what to think.

He's bad. I mean,
he's just a bad one.

And we fell for it.
Why did we fall for it?

- We're tired.
- I'm exhausted.

Class is an hour.
You and the kids stay
in the vicinity, okay?

But I thought you were
going to bring them
all in with you.

Carl, I can't.
I have class.

Well, I've got
something too.

Something?
What something?

You don't have
work today.

I'm going to
the gym.

The gym.

Yeah, it's been,
like, forever.

You're not going
to the gym.

I am going
to the gym.

- No.
- Yes.

Okay, fine.
But I won't be here
when you get back.

I haven't had time
to myself in a week!

You knew that kids
were a commitment.

These aren't
our kids.

You know
what I mean.

Carl, please.

Fine.
I'll skip the gym.

But if I lose
definition in
my glutes,

You're to blame,
okay?

Carl, please
don't be mad.

Let's start class,
losers.

Just need to stretch
a little first,

- Okay, jordan?
- Absolutely not.

You three,
you're my first group.

We're starting
with pirouettes.

And tendu.

Fourth,
spot spot spot.

Two?

Two and then you stop.

Margaret,
how old are you?

- 10.
- 10?

I thought, with that
attitude of yours,
you were six.

You want to know
how many I could
do when I was 10?

Do not look weak,
margaret.

Baryshnikov
never looked weak.

Even in
"sex and the city,"

The man never
looked weak!

Jordan!

I have had it with
this attitude of yours.

Your rudeness.

And your baryshnikov this
and baryshnikov that.

- Hey, this is
not your class.
- No! You are getting

A time-out, mister.

- What?
- Shh. Quiet.

No no no.
Look at me.

Look at me.

Okay, we are
here to learn

And to have
a good time.

That's what ballet
is all about.

- ( cellphone rings )
- now, I'm going to
have to answer that.

Okay? Because
I've got school.

And that could be news
that one of them just
shoved a dump truck

Up his nose,
okay?

So I'm going to take
five minutes.

We're all going to
take five minutes here.

And when I get back,
I expect to see

A brand-new jordan.

( chuckling )

- Yeah?
- Ginny: Boo, I'm looking
for melanie. Is she there?

- No.
- No?

Are you kidding?
Look again.

She's gotta be there.
I need her here.

- She promised.
- Honey, honey,

Take off the frowny face
and put on the smiley face.

What?
Boo, listen--

- You've got to
lose those kids.
- I know.

Okay, what am
I gonna do?

Look, call charlie.
He probably knows
where she is.

I will.

( phone beeps )

All right, everyone.
Let's start.

Big smiles now.

Jordan?

Okay, can everyone come
out to the center, please?

And tendu.
Fourth.

Very nice.

All right, let's
try it again, please?

And tendu.

- ( whistle blowing )
- ( indistinct shouts )

( laughing )

Pick up your feet.

( grunts )

Damn it, mcgee,
I'll get you for that.

( indistinct chatter )

Oh my god.

I forgot to go
to the photo shoot.

Yeah?

It went bad,
didn't it?

Oh yes, yes.
Very bad.

- Very bad indeed.
- What's on the dress?

- Punch.
- Punch? From what?

- And threw it
all over us.
- Oh my god.

Oh, there are a variety
of places to get punch, melanie.

Ralphs has punch,

And vons,
and albertsons,

Your local pharmacy
stocks many punch products

To throw on people.
Punch is very easy
to obtain.

Ginny, I am so sorry.

I should have told you
why I haven't been around.

But I got caught up
in all this stuff,

And I'm sucking at school

And my dad is putting
college pamphlets on my pillow,

And under my breakfast plate,
and in my sock drawer.

And he keeps going on and on
about the s.A.T.S

And what
I'm gonna major in

And what I'm gonna
do for a living

And what retirement home
I'm gonna end up in.

And I found
this, this...

Skating thing,

And it made some
kind of stupid sense.

And I'm just so...

So sorry.

Say something.

You should have been there.

Where are we?
What is this?

It's roller derby.

Roller derby?
You're in roller derby?

I'm cleo-smacktra.

( stammers )

How did this
enter your world?

That night
at the oyster bar,

When I pulled the chair
out from underneath godot.

Godot got you into this?

Not godot.

She gave me a flyer.

She?

You!

Hi?

Should you run?

You stay out of this.
You're ruining everything!

I don't know who you are
or where you're from,

Or why you know french,
or why you're so close
with mitch alvarado,

But melanie
is my friend!

And it's the four of us.

And you need to stay
the hell away!

And I'm norwegian!

Does she skate?

( whistle blowing )

( knocking on door )

- Is everyone decent?
- Yep.

I was yelling your name
for 20 minutes.

- Didn't you hear me?
- What do you want, scotty?

I just need a key
to get in your place.

What happened to the key
I gave you yesterday?

I don't know.
Misplaced it.

Is there like a paradise
lost and found somewhere?

Oh.

You're suddenly acting
like every other woman
in my life.

Michelle?

You told me
the ukulele
was lost.

You told me to my face
that it was lost.

It wasn't lost.
You had it the whole time.

- Who cares?
- I do. I wanted my ukulele.

- That was like
20 years ago.
- Is that your excuse?

Oh jeez, I'm sorry.
You know, if you
missed it that much

Maybe you should have
just bought a new one.

Eddie vedder just did
a whole ukulele album.

That's how out
of ideas he is.

- I'll get it for you
for christmas.
- You're undermining me.

Your cracks, your jokes
in front of the girls.

I'm being funny.
It's humor.

It's what sets us apart
from the apes.

That whole
margaret o'brien thing.

- That was funny?
- I can't--

You basically told them
to cut a hole in the floor

I didn't tell them to do it.
I told them that you
wanted to do it

To your teacher.
I thought it was
a cute story.

- You were planting ideas.
- I told them the plot
of a movie.

I did not write the movie.
How the hell am I
the bad guy in this?

This is my life now, scotty.

This is my home.
This is my job.

Those are my students.

Oh boy. You have snapped
many many caps, my friend.

I'm an authority
figure now.

- They look up to me.
- They're isolated kids.

You're this strange
exotic creature.

You're a mermaid.
You're tinker bell.

So that's why you're here?
To crap all over my new life?

I worked hard
for this life.

You got drunk
and married a guy.

- Hard work.
- Hey!

What? I've done it too.
No judgments.

- You're living
in a guest house.
- What does that mean?

It means,
it's a one room
guest house.

- For a guest.
- Oh, so square footage is
the measure of stability now?

What's your square footage,
scotty, huh?

Enjoying your six feet
of my couch?

- Matt johnson.
- What?

Matt johnson. He was
my best friend in school,

You dated him,
and as soon as
you guys broke up

He wouldn't talk
to me anymore.

You said you never
took anything from me?

You took matt johnson.

I have no memory
of matt johnson.

Oh, come on, michelle.

Matt johnson?
He was my best friend.

The two amigos?

Do you mean
eric johnson?

Yes.
Eric johnson.

- Wow.
- Doesn't change
what happened.

He was so
important to you

Perhaps I blacked it out.
Too much trauma.

- Take some responsibility.
- What does that have to do
with--

You never take
responsibility for anything.

Oh, says the girl who set
every float on fire

At the fourth of July parade
with a cigarette

And blamed it
on rap music.

Why didn't you make me
graduate high school?

- You did graduate.
- No.

- I was there.
- That was the ceremony.

I didn't have the credits
to get the diploma.

Oh, bummer.

It was your responsibility
to make sure I was prepared
for life.

- Why me?
- You're my big brother.

All I was supposed to do
was make sure you had beer.

Why is this funny?
Why are you making
this funny?

Because all I wanted
was a key.

That's all.

And suddenly
you're freaking out

And you said ukulele
like 60 times

And I don't even know
why we're having
this argument.

Don't do that.
That is so mom.

She starts stuff, and then
while you're standing there

Yelling and screaming
and pulling your hair out,

She says "I don't even know
why we're having this argument"

When she knows damn well
why you're having the argument.

She's the one who started
this argument in the first
place.

How did we suddenly
get to mom?

- You brought her up.
- I did not bring her up.

Well, by being like her,
you brought her up.

You don't even
deal with mom.

I deal with mom.

Mom needs money,
I deal with it.

Mom needs to move,
I deal with it.

Mom needs help hiding out
from the jehovah's witnesses,

Why was mom hiding out
from the jehovah's witnesses?

It's a long story
and they're a very

Non-violent organization
so it takes a lot

To get them to the point

Where they are someone
you have to hide out from.

Well, that's your choice.

I washed my hands
of all that a long time ago.

Yes, I know.
How long's it been

- Since you talked to mom?
- 12 glorious fun-filled years.

Oh, very mature,
by the way.

Not much has changed.

Your address,
you go to a job
every day,

- But not much else.
- You don't know what
you're talking about.

Yeah, it took me way longer
to figure things out
than it should have,

But look at the road map
I had to follow.

The birds ate all
those breadcrumbs,
hansel.

And boy, do I not
want to hear about
all the stuff

You have to put up with
with that crazy woman.

Because I've dealt with
more than a lifetime's
worth of crap from her.

Her obsession with
her face and her looks,

And my face
and my looks.

And her completely
fictional take

And if you choose to continue
having negative influences

In your life,
then you have to
prepare yourself

For the consequences.

You know who told me that?
Fanny, my mother-in-law.

She told me that you make
your own family.

You make your own destiny.

And there is nothing
you cannot change

If you are completely
committed to it.

And I am.

I am completely
committed to it.

And it doesn't matter
if you believe it or not,

The address has changed
and my life has changed.

- Fine.
- I can do this.

( tuning ukulele )

( strumming ukulele )

♪ I know I know
you belong ♪

♪ to somebody new

♪ but tonight

♪ you belong to me

♪ although we're apart

♪ you're a part

♪ of my heart

♪ but tonight

♪ you belong

♪ to me

♪ way down

♪ by the stream

♪ how sweet

♪ it will seem

♪ once more

♪ just to dream

♪ in the moonlight

♪ my honey, I know

♪ I know
in the dawn ♪

♪ that you

♪ will be gone

♪ but tonight

♪ you belong

♪ to me

♪ just to little old me.

No! Do it again, jordan!

No. Again.

You're better
than this, jordan.

Come on.

Yes.

I'll be better
after a banana.