Bunheads (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 13 - I'll Be Your Meyer Lansky - full transcript

( Rings )

( Fanfare playing )

( Exhales sharply )

( Inhales sharply )

( Exhales )

( Inhales sharply )

( Exhaling )
Oh, God.

( Gags )

- Ready?
- Ready.

Eric: And the fundamental
difference between

an "S" corp and a "C" corp



is expected income and subsequent
expected profit margin.

( Groans loudly )
In the example I gave,

the taxable income for your "S" corp would

indirectly benefit shareholders who
are taxed directly on their 1040.

Now, none of this addresses the problem
of how you meet your operating costs,

while maintaining something with
more fortitude than an L.L.C.

The "S" corp can purchase liability
insurance on your behalf,

but the downside of liability
insurance purchased by an entity meant

to be a pass-through for tax
purposes is significant.

Now as for the profit and loss
column you finally included...

Are you kidding me?

- What?
- I can see you.

I can see all the things you're doing.

I'm sorry, we're trying.
We ate power bars before coming.



I jumped on a trampoline.

We're talking about
important financial matters,

but as usual, neither of you
is taking this seriously.

What are you talking about?

We got rid of the hatboxes,

- we bought a binder.
- A "South Park" binder.

What, numbers can't be fun?

You're wasting my time.

The two of you are children.

You say you're trying to run a business,

but you don't charge half your students.

- Her fault.
- You somehow manage

to lose money on your annual fundraiser.

- Her fault.
- You think you can

close down the studio
anytime you have a bad day.

- Yeah, well, both of us.
- That's both of us.

You act as if you have a thriving
business and all the money in the world,

but you don't. The only thing you have

is a not-for-profit dance
school and a lot of land

that's just sitting
out there doing nothing.

- What do you want it to do?
- It's land!

It's what everything
in commerce is based on.

Look, if the land isn't valuable,

then maybe something
on the land is valuable.

Like we have gold in them there hills?

- I highly doubt it.
- Oh, but you say it's possible,

so we should pan for gold.

Get a donkey and a sluicer.

What's a sluicer?

I'm not talking about panning for gold.

A sluicer... that thing that sluices.

- I don't know what that is.
- For gold.

In the river... you go in,
you get the rocks and you...

( Mimics rattling )

- That's called a sluicer?
- Yeah.

Let's look it up on the Internet.

No. No. No Internet.

No sleeping or holding your eyes
open or miming killing yourself.

Yes, I saw that. We're done.

We're sorry.

Please, just tell us
what to do with our land.

I don't care! Anything.

I have clients who have stables.

They give pony rides. That earns income.

You have two farms in your
vicinity. That earns income.

There's an ostrich farm three miles away,

an alpaca farm right down the road.

I'm not telling you to get alpacas.

I hope not. Doesn't seem safe

with that sluicer around.

( Sighs )

( Theme music playing )

Bunheads 1x13 - I'll Be Your Meyer Lansky
Original air date January 21, 2013

( School bell rings )
Every year!

The same decades-old projector,

the same terrifying movie,

the same 1976 "Miracle of Life."

You know what the miracle is?

That anybody got pregnant given

the amount of body hair going on.

No more talking. I'm already nauseous.

Why do they even call it health class?

What's healthy about it?!
You come out, you're sick!

They should call it sick class.

Thanks, Seinfeld.

Wow.

Melanie: Are they organizing a union?

Ginny: Occupying Wall Street?

Doing the finale from "Les Mis."

That was it!
( Applause )

I just don't understand how
they got so popular so fast.

Maybe they give out
the full-size candy bars

at Halloween.

( Indistinct chattering )

Wait. Just wanna see

if they show up on film.

Or on phone.
( School bell rings )

Sending it to Sasha and Boo.

Tell them about the laughter
and the applause,

and the casual leaning
that is so clearly rehearsed.

- On it.
- Mel.

Hold on. Stupid smart type

keeps changing "applause" to "applesauce."

Stacia: Why didn't you answer my message?

Um, wow. I don't know. I was in class.

Mel: Ponytail girl is giving
him a hard time again.

Yes, and I know how important
studying is for you.

You're so incredibly studious.

- Stacia...
- Whatever!

Over and out, loser. I'm done.

Seriously?

- Did she just dump him?
- Yep.

- In public.
- Yep.

Can I buy her a frickin' pony?

Put me down for half.

Just give me my sweatshirt back.

Charlie: It's my sweatshirt! Fine!

You want my sweatshirt so you
have something to remember me by?

I get it.

Crowd: Oh!

( All murmuring )

And cut.

Hello, Sundance.

Michelle: I'm sorry, can we fire him?
'Cause he's a jerk.

Fanny: He's your guy.

He's not my guy. I just googled

"accountant" and "Paradise"
and this is what came up.

Terrific. So he's a "better call Saul"?

His "Yelp" reviews were pretty strong.

"Yelp" is for people
who photograph their food.

Fanny: Ooh, candles.

Well, all I know is I can never
go back in that office again,

because the next time he opens his mouth,

I'm going to haul off and slap his face,

and then I'll just be one of those women

who goes around slapping faces.

Suddenly I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor.

- Michelle: They're cute, though.
- What?

- Alpacas.
- Michelle.

He's fired. We hate him.

So what now? Go back to the hatboxes?

No, we can never go back to the hatboxes.

It's a point of pride.
We have moved beyond the hatbox.

So, you...

Yeah, I have no idea where I put them.

Wow, you really were
talking about candles.

I was sure it was code for something good.

I love homemade candles.

They are so hard to find sometimes.

I mean, truly homemade.

( Inhales )
Pick. Which one?

Are we going for sad and ugly
or just poorly-made?

These are fantastic. I want them all.

Wow, they smell bad too... excellent.

You are an artisan!

Thank you.

Find one that matches.

Physically impossible.

An old friend of mine decorated her house

with dozens of chianti bottles

with candles in various stages of melting.

I always thought that was so romantic

- as a theme.
- Uh, Fanny?

I know. You think I have a lot
of themes going on in my house,

but that's what makes it
my house, you know?

- I think we're on our land.
- What?

This is our land.

That's ridiculous. Our land is over...

- here.
- Yeah.

- 'Cause that's the...
- The tree with the...

- And over there is the...
- The barn with the...

- So that means that...
- This is our property.

What the hell are you
doing on our property?

What are you talking about?

I rent this from the alpaca guy.

Wait a minute, you're paying rent?

He just raised me 5%.

It was supposed to be three,

but you know those alpaca guys.

Exactly how long have you
been renting this land?

Oh, boy, I don't know. 10 years?

10 years! Fanny.

- I heard.
- Not only are we not making any money

off of our land, but apparently
the creepy hippies are!

How did you not know this?

What do you mean?

It's not like I walk around
every inch of my land

every day with my hounds,
like "Pride and Prejudice."

Eric the dull accountant was right.

We have land and we're not
doing anything with it.

What are you talking about?
We have a candle stand.

We gotta do something.
We gotta make money off this place.

- By doing what?
- I don't know.

It's got grass and trees.
What about picnics?

Picnics?

We should go into the lucrative business

of people bringing their own food

and eating it on our lawn?

Fine, forget the picnics.

What about a theater?

Or an outdoor amphitheater kinda thing?

- An amphitheater?
- Yeah.

You know, we're always looking

for spots to rent for our performances.

Why should we pay other people for that?

- We could do them here.
- It will give the picnickers

something to watch while they eat.

No, I mean it. We could also rent it out

for other things.

Weddings would be really pretty here.

- True.
- Birthdays, graduation parties,

school functions, community theater!

- Like the Delacorte.
- Exactly!

A low-rent Delacorte theater.

And I'm Joseph Papp.

Absolutely. A low-rent Joseph Papp.

We could book road companies,
touring groups, rock bands!

"Ace Frehley's nephews
play the music of Kiss."

- This is a good idea.
- It is a good idea.

Hey. You have to pay for those.

Oh! Sorry.

- How much?
- Well...

Wait a minute! You're on my property...

illegally, and you have
been for the last 10 years.

These are for rent.

And this is for rent.

And this... they're all for rent.

- Ah, so pretty.
- Mm.

Dude, I have been downstairs for a year

waiting for your pathetic ass.
( Sad music playing )

( Sighing )
So?

I have to get to class.
You need to drive me.

You... drive me...

is time.

Moron no speak anymore?

Get up!

( Groans )
( Music stops )

- Hey!
- I'm sorry, you're gonna have to listen to

"vampire doesn't sparkle anymore"
music after you drive me to class.

Let's go! I'm gonna be late!
What's the matter?

- I'm sick.
- And ugly.

Never has stopped you from driving before.

- What's this?
- Go.

- You want me to drive your car?
- Yup.

- You're gonna let me drive your car?
- Sure.

Even though I'm a terrible driver?

And I don't have a license?

And Christopher Walken in "Annie Hall"

is my vehicular role model?

Charlie!

( Groans )

It's so weird.

That's the captain of the football team.

Sitting next to the guy who dresses
like Chewbacca every weekend.

And he's wearing his Letterman jacket.

- Well, it was chilly that day.
- I don't understand.

Didn't their relationship
used to revolve around

one of them stuffing
the other into a locker?

It's like they're the high school U.N.,

bringing together all sorts of people

who have never been together before.

And really shouldn't be together now.

- Frankie and Cozette?
- Who else?

That kid graduated two years ago.

I'm sorry, there are cliques
and groups for a reason.

First of all, if everyone
got along with everyone,

there would never be
a decent book written,

- a decent movie made.
- John Hughes?

Would have worked at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

No "On The Road," no "Catcher In The Rye."

Separation breeds discontent,
which fuels society.

They are defueling society.

Messing with the social
ecosystem of the school.

And it looks like she's bringing back
yellow, and I look terrible in yellow.

He was a French artist. Born around 1869.

- Really?
- Oh, Matisse, amazing.

"The Dance," I saw it at Moma.

You must have been named after him.

Hmm, I never knew.

I just thought my parents
misspelled "Melissa."

They're not into details.

( Quietly )
She's got Matisse.

It's an amazing name.

Amazing artist.

- His grandson was my godfather.
- Really?

I have a two-volume biography
I can loan you.

You gotta give it back, though. It's got
Julian Schnabel's notes in the margin.

Wow. Who's Julian Schnabels?

( Chuckles )

Oh, Matisse.

I say, after class, we
check the town for pods.

That's our bus driver.

Fanny: Truly? Truly? Oh, for God's sake.

( Classical music playing )
Truly?

Yes.

Get over here.

Uhh, okay.

Uh, hold on.

When I said you could use
a corner of the studio

temporarily for your store,
I meant a corner,

not the whole place.
I need my dance floor back.

I know, I'm trying to figure
out where everything goes.

There's just so much of it.

I don't care. I have a class to teach.

These children have come here
to learn to dance.

Stop shopping! This isn't a mall!

You have five minutes.
( Inhales sharply )

I don't do well under pressure.

When I was in the eighth grade,
I had to debate gun control

and I memorized all the statistics
and the talking points,

and I even had visual aids,
but when it got to my turn,

I kept saying "gum control."

That is unfortunate.

I won, though. The other debater

got so confused,
he didn't know what to say.

Get everything off my floor please.

( Door closes )

Oh, Fanny, leave it.
We can make this work, right?

She got the studio.

I found it. The perfect
place for the amphitheater.

Okay, so this morning, a
squirrel stole my toothbrush.

Actually, I chucked it at him
to get him off my windowsill

'cause he was staring at
me, and then he took it.

So I chased after him and I
cornered him against this tree.

And it was by the lake that's
only sometimes a lake,

but then it dries up.
But right now it's a lake again.

- You know?
- You can't just buy another toothbrush?

What?

Squirrels have rabies.
A toothbrush costs $3.

- It was pink.
- Oh, well, if it was pink...

Anyhow, it's the perfect spot.
You have to see it.

The only thing I have to
see is my dance floor.

Help me.

You heard her.

- So...
- So.

- We've got news.
- And arms and legs. Push.

- Guess who's back?
- Who?

- Guess.
- Give me a hint.

He's tall and cute and surfs,

and you made a complete
idiot out of yourself

with him in front of the entire town.

- Give me another hint.
- Godot.

- Just flew in from Australia
- Boo told us.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Wait, you mean the
sometimes-lake on the far side

of the herb garden with the
tree that looks like...

Bilbo's house in the Shire? Yes.

That is perfect!
( Glass shatters )

Truly? Oh my God. What a mess.

Well, this is ridiculous.
Everything's all over the place.

- So?
- So?

- So what are you gonna do?
- About what?

- About Godot.
- What am I supposed to do?

Put on a slutty dress and get down there.

- I'll take that into consideration.
- That's it?

- Don't you care?
- That Godot's back? No.

Although, I do think it's nice that he didn't
eat the wrong berry and starve to death

in a van in the woods.
But at the moment I'm super busy.

How'd he look?

Get your backs into it. Truly?

Uh.

Yeah, I'm stuck.

Well, get unstuck.

I got it, Fanny.

( Whistles )

And they know sign language.

Of course they do.

They're like two really hot unicorns.

You are a talented twosome,
you and your brother.

Your family is very lucky.

She got madame Fanny.

Yes, I understand you want the mobile home.

But you can't afford the mobile home

unless you intend for it
to be your actual home.

Understand?

Okay, from the top.

Your account balance is zero. Now the...

Get out the gold stars.

We have come up with a plan.

A great plan.

Excuse me, but I'm with clients.

Oh, sorry. We're just excited

and wanted to run our great idea past you,

our money guru! He's very good.

Can you two just wait?

We're going to build an amphitheater!

I'm sorry.

Did you ask me to tell you what it was?

- No.
- It's an amphitheater!

Would you mind waiting outside
for just a moment?

- It won't take long.
- We talk fast.

We're not thinking anything too fancy...

a stage, some benches, lighting.

We'll charge for parking.

Parking always seemed
like such a racket to me,

- but now...
- We'd like to have it up and running

for our "Sleeping Beauty," so that's...

- A month, really.
- Three weeks would be better.

Let's make it three weeks then.

An amphitheater?

With a little more enthusiasm, Eric!

How are you paying for it?

We plan to pay with money.

Unless you know another way.

We are open to anything.

And how are you going to get this money?

We'll just get one
of those loan-y thingies.

Uh-huh. Well, those "loan-y
thingies" are hard to get.

Hey, they just opened a second
"Headband Hut" downtown,

so clearly banks are giving money away.

You need collateral
to get a loan-y thingie.

You need good credit
to get a loan-y thingie.

You need a business plan
to get a loan-y thingie.

Now you've got me saying "loan-y thingie."

They are loans, and loans are for people

who have thought about
bathroom facilities,

getting permits, zoning laws.

What makes you think we haven't
thought about all those things?

- Michelle...
- Well, he didn't know that

until you just gave him confirmation.

Look! Judy, Mickey,
you can't just get an idea

and put on a show in the barn.

And I feel like I've been
telling you this over and over,

and it's just not getting through.

Now I'm going to go out
and deal with my other clients.

And you two are going to leave.

Do not steal my pens this time.

Okay, I wanna fire him again.

I don't think we fired him the first time.

He should be helping us.

So what if we haven't thought
every single last detail out?

See, this is why
American ingenuity is dying.

No one is encouraging us to dream anymore.

I didn't care much for the "Judy
and Mickey" comment either.

We should be able
to figure this out, right?

I mean, we know this business.

- It's our business.
- True.

We just need help on the numbers end.

It's like you're Lucky Luciano
and I'm Bugsy Siegel,

and we just need a Meyer Lansky.

Who's our Meyer Lansky?

He's our Meyer Lansky.

No, we need a Ben Kingsley Meyer Lansky,

not a Patrick Dempsey Meyer Lansky.

A real Meyer Lansky.

Please stop saying "Meyer Lansky."

You know what? Screw it.

I'll be our Meyer Lansky.

You wanna learn ballet,
you take a ballet class.

You wanna learn business,
you take a business class.

- What are you saying?
- I'm gonna take a business class.

Let's go make up with Eric.

No, I'm serious.
Stringer bell did it, right?

Every time we have
a conversation, I feel like

I need to add more movie channels.

No, I can do this.
I'll just hit a learning annex

- or some baby college.
- Junior college.

I'll learn how to run the business end,

then we'll never have to come back
here and fire this guy again.

You're sure?

I'm sure.

All right!

Let's do it!

- Hey, missing link...
- Shh.

I'm in the middle of a game.

- Look, I just wanna ask you one...
- God!

- You distracted me!
- It's paper football.

Yeah, to you.

He gets a field goal now.

( Scoffs )
Shanked it.

Count yourself lucky.

I'm terrified of your moron wrath.

So what's up with Charlie?

- What do you mean?
- He says he's sick.

- He's not sick.
- I know he's not sick. So what's the deal?

Boom! Take it like a man, son!

Take it like a man!

Hey, woo your prison wife later, okay?

Charlie... what's the deal?

( Scoffs )
Ask him yourself.

I saw him get kicked
to the curb by Stacia.

You and the rest of the planet.

- So what'd he do?
- What?

What did he do to make her dump him?

Treat her like crap? Didn't call?

Made her pay for gas? Took her
to the movies and reenacted "Diner"?

Yes! Now hold those goal posts
uniform this time, douche.

Crap! You moved.

- I did not.
- You suck.

- You gonna kiss me?
- He cheated on her, right?

Finally got that phone cover
kiosk bimbo to go out with him?

He didn't cheat on her.

Well, what then?
What boneheaded thing did he do?

Nothin'. He was totally smitten,

talking about getting her name

tattooed on his arm and crap like that.

How do you know the word "smitten"?

He picked her up after work every day,

called her all the time,

took extra shifts so he could buy her

this locket necklace for her birthday.

Charlie? Into someone other than himself?

Yeah, and then she just
bitched out and dumped him,

publicly.

Very unfeeling chick.

He's taking it bad,

which blows 'cause this guy's
thumbs are way crooked.

Okay.

Thanks.

You're not welcome.

Ooh, you got some good stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Lansky's in the house!

- Really?
- Yep, just signed up

for a full-on junior college course
in accounting for small business.

Got my books, my sweatshirt
and my number-two pencil.

- Well, congratulations.
- Yep, now all I gotta do

is get 'em a copy
of my high school diploma,

buy some Yaffa blocks and
start experimenting sexually.

- Terrific.
- You know, I gotta say

now that I'm almost a business major,

I'm seeing things with new eyes.

I see dollar signs everywhere.

Walked by the hardware store this
morning and just started monetizing.

- Right there on the street.
- Monetizing?

It's a business word. For business.

Wow, quite a crowd.

It's fascinating.

There's been a line of women here
since the minute she opened.

I had a class at 2:00.

At 2:05, that woman and that woman

got into a knock-down-drag-out
fight over a blouse

that that woman wound up with after
they dropped it to exchange blows.

Then they all bought some pants.

Well, Truly sells a quality
product at a reasonable price.

God, I'm a natural.

( Whispering )
Hey.

Shouldn't we be charging her rent?

- ( Whispering ) What? - We're her landlords
now, we should be charging her rent.

She's just using a corner of the dance
studio when we don't have classes.

We have to think like landlords.

She's using our space,
our electricity, our bathrooms.

- Oh, I'm not letting them use the bathrooms.
- What?

Where are they going to the bathroom?

Why would they have to go to the bathroom?

Fanny, everyone has to go to the bathroom.

It's a clothing store.
How long do you spend in a clothing store?

I spend two, three hours
in a clothing store.

People can't go two, three
hours without using

- the bathroom? - Where the hell
are they going if they're not going here?

- Did you think about that? - You wouldn't
go into a boutique to use the bathroom.

I use the bathroom at Bloomingdale's.

That's entirely different.
It's a huge store.

This is a tiny boutique.
You use the bathroom in a tiny boutique,

everybody knows. They're listening.

What if you had bad tacos for lunch?

Then you don't go shopping.

( Cellphone rings )

( Normal voice ) Hello?
Yes, this is Michelle.

What?

No. No no no no no, that's impossible.

Can you check again?

Yes, of course I'm sure.

But I'm... I'm sorry,
you must be making a mistake.

I... I was at the ceremony. I walked
down the aisle. I did the tassel thing.

No, I remember distinctly.

Judy Keeler and I decided to
wear bikinis under our robes.

And the robes only had
one button at the very top,

and it was a really windy day
and the wind blew the robes up.

Look, somebody there has
gotta remember the bikinis.

Can you please check again?

Okay. Thanks.

I think I forgot to finish high school.

What? How's that possible?

I don't know.
They're saying I was one course short,

and I was supposed to go to summer school,

but I don't think I ever
did go to summer school.

I think I went to Dollywood.

Oh my God, that's right.
I went to Dollywood.

And I was only supposed to stay
there for a couple of days,

but I think somehow
we were there a couple weeks.

How could you stay
in Dollywood for two weeks?

Well, the corn's really good and the singing
kinsmen are all actually Dolly's kin.

- Michelle!
- Ah, then I just forgot.

I forgot to finish school. I'm a dropout...

not even a dropout.
Dropping out implies action.

I just didn't finish.

Oh God, I'm the biggest
loser in the world.

How do you think I feel? My Meyer Lansky
doesn't have a high school diploma.

I'm going to call Eric.
Where are his pens?

- In my purse.
- Where's your purse?

I forgot.
( Scoffs )

- My dad and Faye Mendelson set
the wedding location. - Fun.

- It's the same place he married my mom.
- No way.

It is on the same day. It is at the same
time. It is under the same tree

that he married my mom under. She hired
the same band, the same photographer.

She forced the same baker to come out
of retirement to make the same cake.

- She's insane.
- Yep.

My dad traded in one crazy
redhead for another.

Faye Mendelson is my mother 2.0.

- How's your mom taking it?
- She's basically homicidal.

The only shows she'll watch on TV are
shows with "crime" in the title...

"Criminal Minds," "Crime Scene
Investigation," "Ladies Who Crime"...

and she's taking copious notes.

I figure, on the plus side,
my memoirs will be excellent.

On the downside, I'll probably
end up medicated in a bathrobe.

And once a month when you...

( Ginny gasps )
All: Oh!

What did you do?!

- I don't know.
- Why did you do that?!

- I don't know.
- Should be go back?

No.

Hey, what's with the fancy doodads?

It is trivia night and I
have a system that works.

And this is my system that works.

- I like your little...
- Don't touch the troll.

He's my lucky troll and you are not...

- Lucky?
- Or... in his trust circle.

( Applause )
Okay, listen up, losers.

We're gonna get trivia night started here.

We've got 90 bucks in the pot tonight,

so let's see if anyone can beat
my 12-week winning streak.

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

- Surprise, surprise.
- What? I like trivia.

- Right.
- We know why you're here.

- Oh, really? And why's that?
- Godot.

- He's behind the bar.
- Yes, I see him.

And he's here most nights
when he's in town,

so no special journalistic
awards for you guys.

Is that the dress you're wearing?

Yes, oddly enough, the dress I'm wearing

is the dress I'm wearing.

- Oh.
- What?

- Nothing, it's... - A dress that
I've actually gotten mondo compliments on

from many people, guy people.

And usually the best kind of compliment...

the much-coveted
"second look as I walk away."

I don't think that second look
means what you think it means.

Sam: Be sure to drink a lot
because the drunker

you are, the smarter I look.

Oh, uh, looks like Milly Stone,

the owner of the trivia equipment,
wants to say a few words.

Milly?
( Applause )

Hello? Is this... is this thing on?

( Laughs )
What's so funny?

Well, you did that comedian thing.

"Is this thing on?
Hello, I'm Richard Pryor."

"Take my wife, please."

I actually just wanted to
know if the thing was on.

Oh. Well, that's fun too.

Everybody, hello. Welcome.

We're here to have fun. Blah blah blah.

But a quick word of warning.

The trivia machines
are not Tonka toys, okay?

They're delicate pieces of technology
that cost me a lot of money.

Don't abuse them.
And watch the greasy fingers.

In fact, all sales of
Buffalo wings are suspended

until the game is over.

That's actually not true.

I'm gonna go tell the kitchen staff.

She does not own the place.

Then I'm just gonna buy all the
Buffalo wings and throw them out.

All right. Well, gang, order up the
Buffalo wings quick, 'cause she means it.

Now put your phones away and let's begin.

( Crowd chattering )
Hey, Michelle.

- You wanna be my partner?
- For trivia?

No, in life. I'm off guys now.

Yes, for trivia.

I'm desperate for a perfect score.

My only weakness
is the artsy and the fartsy.

- Yeah, okay, let's do it.
- Okay.

Well, it's all multiple choice,
so if you know it, hit it.

I'm punching in our team name now.

- It's "Samchelle."
- That's very clever.

Not really.

( Bells chime )

Okay, geography is me.

"What is the only European country to
still have territory in South America?"

( Buzzer sounds )
Got it.

( Applause )
Max points!

Good going, Sam.

Ah, everyone got it.
They always start out easy.

That was easy? I didn't recognize
one country on that list.

You didn't recognize France?

No, I recognized France.
It just looked weird.

( Bells chime )
Ooh, that's a weak spot for me.

Not for me. Easy-peasy.

"What character did Jackie Gleason
play in Smokey And The Bandit'?"

- It's all yours, partner.
- "Harlin Jenkins," "Willie Buford."

They're all sounding the same.

Kinda the point of the challenge there.

I can picture other characters
saying his name.

( Southern accent )
Well, hey there,

whatever-your-name-is, where's
that varmint going off to?

- That's actual dialogue from the movie?
- It's stuff like that.

You know that the longer you
take, the fewer points we get.

( Southern accent )
Hey, someone get... Jackie Gleason guy

on the horn there.

Oh, good grief.

( Buzzer sounds )
Sam: Phew, at the buzzer.

- I was gonna get it.
- Today?

'Cause it kinda needed to happen today.

So, uh, you playing alone?

Yup.

You know you can play with a partner.

I don't need a partner.
I have my troll doll.

I know the bugs.

- What bugs?
- In the software.

We could win this.

I'm fine, thank you.

( Buzzer sounds )
( Applause and cheers )

Sam: If you don't know the answer,

- don't press the button.
- I thought I knew it.

"Thought" does not get you 90 bucks.

I don't understand, I used
to be really good at trivia.

My head was full of useless knowledge.

I prided myself on knowing
things that would never come

into actual play in day-to-day life, but
would dazzle a crowd at a swell party.

They're putting up another question.
( Bells chime )

But now when I think, nothing happens.

There's just a faint

rattling sound echoing up there.

- You're blocking the button!
- I'm getting dumber.

I'm actually losing intelligence.

Ever since I found out
I didn't graduate high school,

knowledge is seeping out of my brain.

You didn't graduate high school?

No, can you believe it?

More and more, yes.

( Buzzer sounds )
Crap! Jill Kelley.

I knew that one!
( Cheers )

( Bells chime )
Wait, Broadway!

- This has me written all over it.
- Are you sure?

I'm sure. I'm completely sure.

( Bells chime )
Okay, have at it.

"This 1961 Broadway flop was
based on the well-known novel"

"and starred Mary Tyler Moore."

Great, 1961. That would be "Legs Diamond"

or "The Rink." Was it "The Rink"?

Those aren't on the screen.

- I can see the poster.
- No, don't look at the poster;

- look at the screen.
- It's "No Strings."

"No Strings" or "Takarazuka."

None of those are on the screen!

But none of those are right.

No, one of them is right.

But the machine could be wrong.

You're a high school dropout,

you're not smarter than the machine.

Okay, so it's either
"Kwamina," "Let It Ride,"

"Breakfast At Tiffany's," or "Show Girl."

Great, you narrowed it down
from four to four.

( Buzzer sounds )
( Cheers and applause )

- And we forfeited.
- We forfeited?

Yes, it's a word that means we
simply gave up without even trying.

But that's better than
getting it wrong, isn't it?

- Tell me I look pretty.
- You look very pretty.

You look pretty too.

- Martini?
- Please.

- So you're not doing the trivia thing.
- No.

Brains are overrated anyway, right?

They do as much bad stuff as good stuff.

I did not graduate high school.

Yeah, high school's a bad trip.

And for a while, I cared.
But I'm caring less now.

Who needs it?

I got a nice drink and a good view.

Simple pleasures.

To you and me.

Here's to being dumb.

You're not drinking.
Why aren't you drinking?

Gotta work.

Yeah, that's a nice clean glass.

What, you didn't like the toast?

I have a masters in oceanography.

( Chuckling )
Wow, really?

Yes, really.

And I'm thinking about going for a Ph.D.

Oh, wow, that's great.

Um, so they let
high school dropouts get PhDs?

I didn't say I was a high school dropout.

Okay. Sorry.

So the surfing thing worked out
really well for you then?

It really did.

Great.

I'm guessing that you and me
tonight, we're not...

No. Not tonight.

( Quietly )
Yeah.

- That looked brutal.
- Was it the dress?

No, it was not the dress.
It was the girl in the dress.

She's a moron, officially.

What did you say to him?
Maybe you can un-say it.

- In a better outfit.
- Did he say something bad to you?

Don't worry about it, ladies.
It's just not my night.

Bathroom, drink, home.

You really do have to get married

by a certain age, or it is so so sad.

( All gasp )

I don't even know what happened.

Both: Ugh. You kicked his
ass, that's what happened.

I just saw red, then he was on the floor.

- I'm the Hulk.
- But with longer legs.

- Bathroom break.
- Ooh, me too.

Don't leave me here alone.
I'm unstable and I don't know anything.

There'll still be time to claw our way up

from last place to next-to-last
place when we get back.

Hulk watch table.

What a difference a day makes, huh?

This morning I was smart,

and now I'm dumb.

I knew you this morning.

You weren't that smart.

Yeah, but I had hope of being smart.

There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

- A small light.
- Yeah, but a light.

A penlight with a weak, dying battery.

You're not a super-huggy guy, you know?

Look, I didn't ask you
to sit down here, okay?

I'm just trying to have a beer and
play a game and relax a little

before I go home to my mother,

who is staying with me
in my one-room apartment,

and listen to her question every
single one of my life choices.

So if I'm not being sufficiently huggy,

I'm sure there are many many
people here who may not know

that five minutes with you
feels like a lifetime.

So, what do you think of my dress?

Milly, Michelle Simms. Remember?

- Can I run something past you really quick?
- Sure. Hold on a second.

Excuse me? Throw away every French fry
in the place, and put it on my tab.

Sit over here.

So, what's up?

I was wondering if you're in the
market for any new business ventures.

Maybe, but nothing illegal...
no drugs, no guns, no girls.

This wouldn't involve
drugs or guns or girls.

Well, not dirty girls.
There would be girls, though.

- I was joking. I joke sometimes.
- Oh, okay.

Well, you know all that land
that Fanny Flowers and I own?

Well, it's just kinda sitting there idle,

and I was wondering if
you'd like to buy any of it.

It's not zoned for commercial development,
so what could I possibly do with it?

Oh, I don't know. Bocce, croquet?

It's great land. The candle guy loves it.

- Why are you looking to sell?
- Because we need capital.

We're adding a performance area.

You're expanding your dance studio?

No, we're building an amphitheater.

An amphitheater? Really?

- Yeah.
- An outdoor amphitheater?

For our kids' performances,
and if it's as nice

as I think it's going to be, we'll rent it
out to others for dance events, theater.

- Like plays?
- Sure.

Now this I'm interested in.

- You're interested in?
- Partnering on the amphitheater.

Partnering? No, wait.
The amphitheater wasn't what...

- I'm a patron of the arts, you know?
- I did not know.

I just saw "Joseph And The
Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"

at the Ventura Performing Arts Center.

Mario Lopez was so good.

- Yes, he is good, but... - And I even did
a little acting myself in high school.

"Up The Down Staircase,"
I was just one of the kids,

but I caught a bit of the bug.

- Do we have drawings yet?
- Not really.

I've got a great architect.
We should get him started on this.

I love this idea.

Can we get together next week
and get this rolling?

- I guess.
- I know there are tons of details to iron out

with you, me and Fanny,
but it will go smoothly.

This is not one of those awkward

"I buy low-income housing
and kick everyone out"

"to build condos" things like last week.

This is a labor of love.

Let's toast. I like to seal deals

with shots of any sort of blue alcohol.

- Yeah, me too.
- I'll be right back.

You should call Fanny
and tell her about this.

I definitely should.

Saw your moves. Bartender, the girl?

Think you might dig it.

You deck anyone while we were gone?

All's quiet on the Western front.
( Buzzer sounds )

Okay, game over, everyone.
Let's see who won.

( Drumrolls )

Frankie and Cozette?

Who the hell are they?

You're going into business with my sister?

How do you already know that?

I saw her ordering shots of
some blue alcohol at the bar.

That's her celebration drink.
I asked and she told me.

It's all happening so fast.
But yes, I think we are.

- You know I hate her.
- I do know that.

And you know if you go into business
with her, you'll regret it.

I opened up my store in her building

and she wouldn't even
let me name my own store.

You didn't name Sparkles "Sparkles"?

No. She did.
After one of her precious cats.

And to top it all off,
she put the cat to sleep.

- Was it old?
- It was four. She was tired of it.

Well, there may have been some other...

She kills the things she doesn't like.

( Sighs )
Well, Truly, she has money.

And Fanny and I need money.

Yes. Sure.

She has money and buildings and
leases that she wants people to sign,

and I have nothing
and I will lose my store

and you and Fanny and everything.

And Milly will have everything
and I will have nothing.

You're not losing Fanny, Truly.

And you're not losing me.

( Quietly )
It feels like it.

But Milly's not my friend.

- You're my friend.
- Really?

Really.

You never invited me to Vegas.

Well, Truly, the next time I have
some sort of emotional breakdown

and run from everything that
is good and stable in my life,

I promise I'll invite you
to come and watch.

Okay.

Did she tell you she was
in "Up The Down Staircase"?

'Cause she was terrible
in "Up The Down Staircase."

Hey, Truly. Don't worry.

There's plenty for everybody.

A toast...

To the Millicent Stone
Performing Arts Center.

Forgot my change. Be right back.

Was she maybe kidding
about the "Millicent Stone"...

She always gets everything she wants.

Well...

she didn't get Hubbell.

Ginny: 8:00 and the evening
is over. So sad.

Are we seriously gonna be
the last town in the world

to get a bowling alley or a crack house?

Trivia night blows.

Yeah, and when did they start giving
out shiny, blue winner ribbons?

When Cozette moved to town, that's when.

Let's go upstairs, order pizza

and plan how far away
we'll all go to college.

What the...

- Sasha!
- What's going on?

- With?
- The boxes,

- the Laura Palmer furniture.
- Nothing.

- You wanna watch a movie?
- Are you moving?

- No.
- It looks like you're moving.

My parents are just
trying to make a point.

Is the point that you're moving?

The parents are splitting up.

- Again?
- Well, this time it's official.

My father's joined the cast
of "Boy Meets World"

with another boy in another world.

Wow, the closet door opened.

Yeah, he says he's moving to San Jose,

she says she's moving to Encino.

I'm supposed to pick where I wanna go.

Blah blah blah.

What the hell is in San Jose?

All that information...
that's the piece that stuck?

It's the only truly
surprising part of the story.

- You wanna watch TV? - I can't
believe you didn't tell us you were moving.

Were you even gonna leave
a breakup letter?

She was probably just going to sneak
off in the middle of the night

and take all the clothes she
borrowed from us with her.

I do not borrow clothes from you.

Not anymore. You're moving.

( Gasps )
Oh my God, Boo.

When she hears, she'll freak.

- She's bad with change.
- Remember when you grew boobs?

She wouldn't look at you for a month.

Stop. Do not panic Boo.

Nobody's moving.

Melanie, Ginny, I need you
guys to go home now please.

- Uh, sure.
- Yeah.

Right?

Hilarious!

Trucks are here tomorrow at seven.

Street cleaning day...
no parking. Great planning.

Sasha, please. I am exhausted.

Just pack your stuff. Figure out where

you wanna go. Write it on the box.

Very mature.

What are you gonna do? Live on your own?

I was on my own all summer at Joffrey.

I got back three weeks ago.
You didn't even notice.

I'll be fine.

You know they have ballet schools in L.A.

Not interested in
"Dancing With The Stars,"

thanks.

Fine. Then go with your father.

He has a guest house. You can
have an entire structure to sulk in.

I'm trying to downsize. Pass.

( Sighs )

Fine. Fine.

You don't wanna move? Don't move.

You've got two weeks till
escrow closes on the house.

I'll leave you the fridge.
Hate that damn glass door anyway.

Wait, you're just gonna leave?

Tomorrow, as soon as all
this stuff is on the truck.

Last chance, Sasha. You coming with?

No?

Okay. Fine.

And I didn't know you were back,
because you didn't tell me.

That one's on you, kid.

( Thunder rumbles )

You're one devoted Avon lady.

- She gave me the keys.
- What?

I didn't think she was gonna
give me the keys, but she did.

- I don't...
- Here they are.

My parents are splitting up.

My dad's got a boyfriend
and they wanna live in San Jose.

- Breathe.
- My mom's moving to Encino.

She wanted me to choose
and I can't choose.

I can't go. I can't leave.

I won't leave.

I told her that I won't leave
and she gave me the keys.

Oh oh oh, boy.

There's so many of them.

I don't even know what
most of them are for.

Is there a janitor's closet
somewhere in my house

that I don't know about?

Uh. Well, that one looks like a bike lock.

I'm supposed to carry around
all these keys?

To school? In my dance bag?

What if I lose them
or leave them somewhere?

Should I get copies and stash
them in those fake rocks

people stash keys in?

Yeah, you know, this would be a lot easier

if I could offer you a drink.

They don't even look like real rocks.

I guess you're hoping your
burglar forgot his glasses

the day he came to rob you.

You know, at weddings they sometimes
let kids drink champagne, right?

I won't leave.

I'm staying here.

I live here.

What am I gonna do?

We'll figure this out.

But...

what am I gonna do?

Hey...

don't worry.

I got your back.

( Slow acoustic guitar music playing )

♪ No longer ♪

♪ will I beneath you shelter ♪

♪ all that you have given to me ♪

♪ is never on my behalf ♪

♪ all this ♪

♪ all and more I cede to you ♪

♪ swear away in fealty ♪

♪ as I sail for warmer climes ♪

♪ I am a king ♪

♪ you can't deny me ♪

♪ my kingdom ♪

( Vocalizing )

♪ I am a king ♪

♪ you can't deny me ♪

♪ my kingdom ♪

♪ you, sailor, on the lonely sea ♪

♪ will you turn and promise me ♪

♪ you'll always be alive? ♪