Bullet in the Face (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Kiss Me Thrice - full transcript

Recruited to rejoin the underworld while still working for law enforcement, Gunter finds himself playing both sides of a barbed wire fence.

(Man on radio): Good morning,
Bruteville! It's 130 °.

Make sure to wear your
sunscreen and body armour

as we play this blast
from the past.

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love will keep us together ♪

Ah! Huh?

I don't want any trouble.

Then you shouldn't
order it for breakfast!

(Thugs grunt)

Hmm!
Ah!

I guess assholes come in pairs!



(Sizzling, thug screaming)

(Glass shattering)

(Knife buzzing)

(Thugs): Ah!

(Buzzing stops)

Shit!

(Muffled screams)

♪ Is he good?
Is he bad? ♪

♪ Psychopath or sexy cad? ♪

♪ Sinner, saint?
The sinner fell ♪

♪ But the saint
wound up in hell ♪

♪ We took his face ♪

♪ Gave him another ♪

♪ He changed his place ♪



♪ Bullet in the face ♪

- (Grunts)
- Look who's back.

Not so fast, tough guy.

Last time I saw you,

you told me I had a traitor
in my organization.

Liar!

These goons would never
think of betraying me.

You know why?

Because my goons don't think.

They don't take a leak without
asking permission first.

Watch. Joey,
stand on one foot.

Good.

Now, rub your tummy,
pat your head.

Very good.

Sal, same thing.

- No, sir.
- What?

I'm not gonna humiliate myself
for your cursory entertainment.

Cursory!

You got big "keejones"!

And a big vocabulary
to match. I like that.

I like that a lot.

OK, where was I?

Why you're here.

Tannhäuser has always
had more cops on the take

on his payroll than me.

And I feel like, you know,

corruption in this city
needs to be more...

fair and balanced.

I want a heavy hitter
from inside the department

to find Tannhäuser and
kill that Eurotrash for me.

Hey, dipstick, knock it off.

But the problem is,

no one can find him.

Tannhäuser's whereabouts
are "unknown."

And I hear, wherever
his whereabouts are,

he never leaves them.

He's agoraphobic.

I could give a shit
he's afraid of agora.

He should be afraid of me!

Man, when I find him,

I'm gonna chop him up
in little pieces

and sprinkle him on a pizza,

not even fresh-made,

the frozen kind that
kids pop in the microwave

when their mothers
are hung over.

(Chuckles)

So before I pay you a dime,

I gotta be dead certain
you are my man.

Otherwise, you're a dead man.

'Cause I get
the distinct impression,

call it my instincts,
you're the kind of guy

who would bite
the hand that feeds him.

Am I right?

Hey, don't! God,
you're hardcore!

(Laughing)

Woman understands
the child more than man,

but man is the child
more than woman.

(Martine, French accent):
Morning, darling!

Be thankful we're not
sleeping in the same bed.

Our baby kicked all night.

The child will probably
be a soccer player.

You and Gunter were
very close at the end, weren't you?

Did you miss him?

I shot him.

Yeah, when you shot him,
did you miss him?

I've been studying a recent
phone bill of yours very closely

and you made numerous calls
to Gunter's old number.

Why?

I forgot to delete the number,

I must have hit
speed dial by mistake.

Do...

not lie to me.

Those conversations
were too long

and too numerous
to be to nobody.

They were to somebody.

I want to know to who.

Do you want me to
do a bird impression?

I'll do an owl.
Hoo! Hoo!

I am not your property,
Tannhäuser.

I will go to the city now
and never return.

(Remote beeps, metal clanks)

No!

You would never harm
the mother of your unborn child.

Yeah, I might harm the mother
of my recently born child. Hmm?

Maybe after I cut
the umbilical cord,

then I'll become
a single parent.

Please!

I need to see my obstetrician.

- Hmm?
- OK.

Go.

But wherever you go,

you'll be accompanied
by Miss Leibwachter.

(Sighs)

Your trainer.

Yeah. She's legally
a woman now,

due to the miracles of
hormone-replacement therapy.

Science!

So wherever you go,

you'll have this
little lamb following you,

reporting back to me
on everything you do.

You'll not be able to
pull the wool over my eyes.

Go.

Facial transplants are
susceptible to injury.

The slightest bruise
can cause infection

or even death.

Good bedside manner,
Dr. Mengele.

Where did you get
those bruises?

From a bar fight.

There was no alcohol
in your system.

It was a juice bar.

Leave us.

You met with Racken
this morning.

I was following orders
to follow you, Gunter.

Commissioner Eva has
had you under surveillance

from the beginning.

Oh, come on!

You wave that around so much,
I'm not intimidated by it.

Either use it,
or put it away. Heh heh!

(Grunts, moans)

You can't play
both sides, Gunter.

You planning to
double-cross me?

Lady, you're the one
that gave me 2 faces.

(Hagerman):
Damn you, Gunter!

Guns are not meant to be
used during conversation!

Silence!

I once shot a man
during a spelling bee,

right in the middle of a vowel.

He was going to win too.

You should have seen his face.

(Laughing)

Good times!

(Horn honking)

You told Tannhäuser you were
seeing an obstetrician.

So what are we doing
in this disgusting place?

(Sighs)

I have other appointments.

And you will be staying
here and waiting for me.

You're only supposed to
have one appointment.

One. The baby doctor.

I'm not leaving your side,

and I will overpower you
should you resist.

I'll have you know,
a man tried to rape me once.

I broke his spinal cord
using my buttocks.

Hmm...

(Cell): ♪ Hello, baby
Pick up the phone ♪

Why are you not
answering your phone?

Why are you not
answering my question

about why you are not
answering the phone, hmm?

(Exhales, scoffs)

(Ringing in receiver)

Hmm...

Excellent marksmanship.

You could have killed me,
but you chose instead

to merely graze my shoulder.

I can be menschy.

Who stitched up your sweater?

I did. I macrame.

You sew?

(Laughing)

Yeah. I was
taught by my father

who was taught by
his grandfather before him.

Do you have a problem
with men who sew, Gunter?

Not as long as they
use clean needles.

(Cell vibrating)

Excuse me.

Guten tag.

Don't talk to me
in that fascist-speak.

Use the American-English
God and Ronald Reagan gave you.

Time has come to
test your loyalty.

Got a chore for you.

Here's what I want you to do.

(Cell beeps)

Where's a cop named
Verraterkuss?

Why are you interested in him?

To prove my loyalty.

( Whistling ♪)

Nice to see you, my man!

Hey, um, how's that
recovery of yours going?

Your memory coming back?

Oh, yes.

Although, sometimes,
I forget my sexual preference.

(Chuckles)

I hear you have one of
Racken's bookkeepers in custody.

Racken, um, suspected
him of embezzling.

Started sending him
dead things in the mail,

you know, flowers,
fish, a mailman.

(Laughs)

So he came to us
for protection.

We put him up in a hotel room
under a bland, unoriginal name.

Even the police guarding him
have no clue who he is.

And you kept his whereabouts
and his assumed name a secret?

Including from your superiors?

Good man!

Danke!

I'm under orders for
you not to leave my sight,

even for the toilet.

You can watch me
urinate first if you like.

I'm an exhibitionist and proud
of my new artificial vagina.

(Cell): ♪ Hello, baby
Pick up the phone... ♪

Answer your phone, I insist.

♪ Why aren't
you answering? ♪

(Cell beeps)

What do you want?

Lilly, where are you?

I only allow people to be late
when they're dead.

I will be there soon.

(Cell beeps)

Who were you talking to?

Hand that over.

If you will not tell me,
I'll hit redial and ask,

politely at first,

then petulant,
using sharp consonants.

Please, I'm with child!

Oh God! Something's wrong!

- What are you feeling?
- This!

(Both grunting)

(Grunts)

Careful! I'm pregnant!

Ah!

(Ripping)

Pregnant!

(Panting)

(Muffled cries)

Shhh!

(Racken): I can't wait
till you meet this guy.

He's gonna help me finally put
the kibosh on Tannhäuser.

I got a hard-on
just thinking about it.

Thanks, doll.
In fact, there he is.

Hey, my man! Over here!

Sorry. The reason I'm late

is I could give a shit
about being on time.

You got a bad attitude.

(Giggles)

I love it.

This is my wife, Lilly,
whom you've heard nothing about.

Charmed.

She's pregnant,
excuse the bump.

I knocked her up the first try.

I take these vitamins
from Singapore,

they're intended
only for elephants.

- Ah!
- Get you a drink?

Absolutely.

(Racken):
I need some champagne here!

You know, I feel the strength
surging through my body

whenever I eat read meat.

Yeah. One of my goals is
to eat a whole cow alive,

even the hooves.

And then drink a shake
made from the cow's milk.

Oh!

(Laughing)

I heard a joke.

What do you call
a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.

(Racken and Gunter laugh)

I love that! Oh my God.

Come on, baby.
Chow down.

I don't want that kid
popping out "malnunourished."

You know how we met?

I saw her in a play,
a musical, La Miserable.

She played Famine.

(American accent):
Fantine.

Right, right, right!

I didn't even propose.

I just sent a note
backstage that said...

"Hey, doll!
You got a new address."

She's a very good actress.

Plays lots of
different characters.

I'm certain of that.

And what about you?

You got a special
lady in your life?

Or someone mediocre?

No. I had been
seeing someone,

but I'm still recovering from
the parting shot she gave me.

You know, it's funny.

It's been a long time

since I've had dinner
with a Martine... ni.

What did you say
your name was, again?

Lilly.

Ah, yes. Like
the flower at funerals.

Evening's over.

Hey, bring me a check!

Congratulations,
Mr. Racken.

You've successfully murdered
a witness in my custody.

Not only figured out
the hotel he was staying at,

but the bland, unoriginal
name of "Stan Smith,"

under which he was booked.

More importantly, you
murdered Lt. Verraterkuss,

whose dead body we just
pulled out of a lake.

Hope you threw him back,
'cause he was small.

I'm sure you'll
be delighted to know

that he leaves a wife
and children behind.

Would you like me to kill them
too so he's got company?

- You'll burn in hell, you sick bas--
- Hagerman!

Who the hell do
you think you are?

Coming in here and talking to me
like that in front of my wife?

I am not intimidated by
your high cheekbones.

And killing cops, for me,
is like stepping on ants.

So I might as well
take out the Queen.

You have chosen
the wrong side, mister.

Your hubris won't
protect you, Mr. Racken.

I intend to see
you behind bars.

Yeah?
What's "hubris"? Hey!

What's "hubris"?

What is "hubris"?

No matter whose face you wear,

it will always be
the face of evil.

Son of a bitch!

I'm in the mood for
something not on the menu,

that bitch's body, à la carte.

I'm gonna go pee.

I brought you gifts from the city!
Chocolate and a jockstrap.

(Sighs)

(Eva): You're a
heartless fiend.

Lt. Verraterkuss leaves
small mouths behind to feed.

Are you saying he had goldfish?

Heh heh heh!
Here's the truth.

I did not pump Verraterkuss for
the location of your witness.

Verraterkuss was on
Tannhäuser's payroll.

All I did was inform him that

Racken would pay double
for the information.

Verraterkuss chose to take the
offer, so Tannhäuser killed him.

(Hagerman):
All this corruption.

Makes me wanna shower
for all eternity.

Get out.

Leave me to my little
Freudian disaster.

Mmm.

I have a little truth for you.

- Mmm?
- Mmm.

Your old face still exists...

preserved in cryogenic freeze.

Tell me where it is, bitch.

Oh, put that away.

If anything happens to me,

you can just kiss
your kisser goodbye.

'Cause the information is here,

and nobody else
knows where it is.

This just came.

(Laughs)

Is that one of
those mechanical fish

that sings when
you push a button?

You're gonna need
around the clock security.

But no one here is trustworthy
for more than a few minutes.

Oh please! I'm not intimidated
by cheap scare tactics.

My ex-husband used to
send me soiled condoms

to make me jealous.

But they were so small.

Epic fail there.

(Explosion)

(People screaming,
car alarm ringing)

Someone's car was torched.

It's mine.

Ha! I'm sure
it is pure coincidence.

(Gunter laughing)

I commend you

for telling me about
Martine escaping.

She has a secret life.

We all do.

I'm just curious to know

the lengths she will
go to protect it.

Did you see her naked?

She seems ashamed of her body.

Hmm.

Would you like me
to disrobe for you?

I no longer have a penis and
experienced my first camel toe.

Uh...

Yeah, that's not
really working for me.

Commissioner,
may I offer you a ride?

Uh, I was just
calling to rent a car.

Thank you.

Where are you parked?

I'm right out in the hall.

(Bell ringing)

Uh, no.

I'm gonna rent
the car. Thank you.

(Bell rings)

(Doorbell rings, buzzer)

Enter!

You possess the eyes

and voice of a man
I believed dead,

but have been speaking
with on the phone.

I do not believe
in reincarnation,

so, yes or no?

Are you Gunter Vogler?

Yes and no.

Tell me who the hell you are.

(Cell vibrates, beeps)

Uh, now is not the best time.

(Racken):I've been trying to reach you.
I'm taking out the commissioner today

and I want you
to be a part of it.

Maybe next time. Muah!

I don't have Eva's number!

What are you talking about? You're
ignoring me the way that Gunter used to.

Oh, not now, woman!

What is it, Gunter?
I'm hard at work.

Where's Eva?

- Why?
- This is an emergency!

Did she go home?
I need her address quickly!

No. I don't trust you.

You're always up to no good.

I said not now, woman!

This is a real gun!

Not an abstract piece of art.

It shoots bullets!

(Siren wailing)

Don't start...
Don't start the engine!

Don't start that engine.
Don't start that--

(Engine starts)

I check my car daily for
booby traps since my divorce.

(Gunshot, Eva grunts)

Sniper fire!

(Bicycle bell ringing)

Hagerman!
Behind the pillar!

Kill that asshole!

(Gunshot, man grunts)

You made the right
decision, Mr. Vogler.

I have an overwhelming
desire to see myself again

in the mirror.

That was one
lucky shot, Gunter.

It wasn't mine.

Then whose was it?

(French accent): So what
did Miss Leibwachter

say about our journey
to the city?

She said you went on the bus,

you went to the park,
you played on the swings,

you fed the ducks.

Then you gave her the slip,

as I knew you would.

And your response?

Miss Leibwachter and myself,

we had our usual
yoga session...

and now she's cooling off.

Could you get me a drink?
I have no drink here.

I'd love something
fresh from the fridge.

(Gulps)

You're sick.