Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 6, Episode 5 - Life Serial - full transcript

Previously on
Buffy the vampire slayer.

Hey, mom.

Mom? Mommy?

There's some money stuff we're
gonna have to talk to you about.

- You're telling me I'm broke?
- Hospital bills.

Pretty much sucked up
all the money.

- I don't think I can do this.
- Yes, you can.

So, you guys wanna team up
and take over sunnydale?

Okay.

We're like supervillains.

Why are you always around
when I'm miserable?



'Cause that's when
you're alone, I reckon.

I'm not one for crowds
myself these days.

Me neither.
That works out nicely then.

Buffy, what is it?

Angel... he needs to see me.
I-i have to see him.

You'll leave
for L.A. tomorrow.

I have to go now.

- Hello?
- Buffy?

Oh. Yep, it's me,
and I brought dinner.

Deep-fried chicken parts.
Hope you're... hungry.

- You already ate.
- No.

Well, uh, yes,
obviously.

We didn't know when
you'd be coming back.

It's okay.
More for me.



I don't know about everybody else,
but I would love some chicken.

- Yes, as would I.
- I'll take a drumstick.

I'm a breast girl myself. But
then again, you knew that.

- So.
- What "so"?

So how was it?

Seeing angel?
Him seeing you?

Was it weird?

Um, it was... intense.

- Well, if you want to talk about it...
- I don't.

It's not important.
Past.

I'd just rather keep this one
to myself, if that's okay.

- Sure. Whatever.
- Buffy, um,

there was some discussion
in your absence...

About, um, what...
What you're gonna do now.

You know, uh,
your plans.

Oh. Um, I've been giving that
a lot of thought, actually.

And I think I've figured
it out, what I should do.

Good. That's good.
Yeah, I figure...

If I hold off paying the plumber,
I can pay the utility bill.

And then I can wait to re-shingle the
roof until we get the refund back...

- No, I meant with your life.
- Oh. Life plans. Um...

Wow.

I have no idea.

I guess, um...
Well, I-i left school,

you know, when mom got sick, but
I always figured I'd go back.

And then she, um... so I was
thinking about reenrolling,

but, um, I missed the registration
cutoff, busy being dead and all.

Well, if it's too late
for late registration...

And too early for early, you can always
come to classes with Tara and me.

Right. You can audit for the rest
of the semester until registration.

Audit. I-i guess
I could do that.

Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.
What do you think, Giles?

The slayer always knows
what she's doing.

Sharp, decisive.

Always with a plan.

We're never gonna become the
crime lords of sunnydale...

With her always
one step ahead of us.

Well, that's why we're
throwing these tests at her,

seeing which one of us can shake her up
the most, maybe find a weakness or two.

- She's ready.
- Sweet. Run me through it.

We got nine high-resolution
surveillance cameras hooked in,

super-wide angle,
infrared, auto-Iris,

plus six types of
audio matrix monitoring...

That's filtered through a dual quad d.V.R.
System and...

Yeah, yeah, fine.
Just tell me...

Are you sure with all this stuff
that we'll be able to watch Buffy...

Without her noticing us?
Absolutely.

I mean,
she'll never even know...

- what the hell is that?
- Death star, dude. Wicked, huh?

Thermal exhaust port's above
the main port, numb nuts.

For your information, I'm using
the empire's revised designs...

From return of the Jedi.
That's a flawed design!

Hey! Okay, the thing is since
we're messing with the slayer,

who could pummel the three of
us into a sludgy substance,

it might be a good idea for us to
not draw attention to ourselves!

Mm-hmm.

I could paint over it
if you want.

Yeah, well, do that! Because this
time tomorrow the games begin,

and the slayer will never
even know what hit her.

This is gonna be great.

I thought it might be
a little weird being back.

I mean, it is weird,
but like a good kind of weird.

There's the teacher... Mike.
You'll like Mike.

You call your teacher Mike?

Boy, school sure has
changed since my day.

Social construction
of reality.

Who can tell me
what that is? Rachel?

A concept involving a couple
of opposing theories,

one stressing the externality
and independence...

Of social reality
from individuals.

And the flip side?
Steve?

Each individual participates fully in the
construction of his or her own life.

Good. And who can
expand on that? Chuck?

Wil, I'm not following
this too well. Oh.

The trick is to get in the rhythm.
Kinda go with the flow.

Flow-going would be a lot easier if your
classmates weren't such big brains.

Buffy, that's ridiculous.

- They are no smarter than you or me.
- Willow?

Because social phenomena don't have
unproblematic objective existences.

They have to be interpreted and given
meanings by those who encounter them.

Nicely put. So, Ruby, does that
mean there are countless realities?

What?

You're not dumb.
Just rusty.

Maybe I should ease back in
with some non-taxing classes,

like introduction to pies
or maybe advanced walking.

Hey. How'd it go?

She did fine.
Sociology... not a big fav.

She didn't like Mike?
No, look, it's fine.

I just need to spend a little
more time reacclimating.

You know, to get back into
the swing of things... oh!

Hey! You could at least
say "sorry," rude-o.

Everybody's in a hurry.

Francis 7, this is Logan 5.
I'm in position. Do you copy?

Yeah, Warren, we copy that.
And you're up on the monitor.

Hey, Warren,
this is working great.

Runner is tagged, inhibitor is on.
Repeat: Inhibitor is on.

Initiate
omega pulse sequence.

My art appreciation class doesn't
start for another 20 minutes.

So we've got some time to kill.
Um, here.

You'll like it.
It's very mellow.

Didn't think she liked my cooking until I
realized that that was her yummy face.

You know how her nose...
What was that?

- What was what?
- Uh, that-that noise.

What... what was that about cooking?
Whose yummy face?

Willow.

Wow, you really got engrossed
in that renaissance book.

I guess. I...
I must have spaced out.

Oh, I do that sometimes.

Willow and I were watching
Spongebob Squarepants... whooshing

Buffy, are you coming?
We're gonna be late for class.

What the f...

Is it working? Is it doing it?
Dude, it's doing it.

And it's wicked cool.

Tara! Tara, what...

Buffy, where have you been?
You missed art class.

Missed? Tara, something freaky is going on.
It's like I'm...

Look, there...
There!

Did you see...

Crap!

Tara!

Tara, wait!

Ooh!

Oh!

That noise...
There's something on me.

Oh, no. Uh-oh. She found it.

Oh, this is bad.
Really bad.

Self-destruct. Self-destruct!
I-i don't know.

No.

Okay. Score me.

Right. Fifty points
for ingenuity.

Another 30 since it
involved actual contact.

- Very smooth, by the way.
- On the freak-o-meter, I'd say she was at a six.

Oh, come on.
It's an eight easy.

We'll split the diff.
Call it a seven,

which is good for 140, giving
you a grand total of... 220.

Beat that!

Oh, I will.

I will.

This is gonna be great.
Diving into the work force.

Being a breadwinner. Building
things with my hands.

Uh, actually,
you won't be building...

So much as lifting
and toting.

Toting? It's just
a temp gig, buff.

You know, unless it tanks.
Since you're not union,

I had to call in a few favors
to get you on a crew.

I appreciate it.
Muchly.

You saved me from having to accept
giles's offer to work at the magic box.

I mean, retail?

I'd rather be dead...
Again.

Uh-huh. So,
Giles have any thoughts...

About your little fast-forward
freak-out at school?

No. Oh, well,
he implied...

That maybe
it was stress-related,

like I was imagining it
or something.

I don't know. Maybe. I guess I
could have been blacking out.

But there was this thing
on my sweater, you know?

And then it just
blew away or went poof.

Maybe it was lint.
Maybe it was evil lint.

Okay, first tip
of the day.

When I introduce you
to Tony, the foreman,

you might want to leave out stuff
about blacking out and evil lint.

Hey, Tony. This is Buffy. You know,
that friend I told you about.

Nice to meet you,
Tony.

Guys.

You gotta be kidding me.
We're a week behind.

I got two men out
on a d.L.

- Now you want us to babysit some little girl?
- Excuse me, but...

Hang on, gidget.
This stinks, Harris.

- What am I supposed to do with her?
- Give her a chance.

- She's stronger
than she looks.

That's the spirit.

Don't mind him. He may
seem pig ignorant,

rude, and
a little hostile.

Have fun.
W-w-where are you going?

Upstairs. I need to supervise
the Sheetrock hangers.

Don't sweat it. I'll be back
and check on you later.

Okay, Danny, finish
putting in those j-boxes.

Vince, Marco, I need you
to haul the steel inside.

Gee, I don't know, tone.

I don't want to get in trouble with
those affirmative action lawyers.

Why don't you put, uh, little
Britney here on hauling duty?

It's Buffy.

Okay, Princess.
You're on it.

Try not
to break a nail.

Don't worry about it.
And don't let them hassle you...

Into doing something stupid
and hurting yourself.

These beams weigh quite a
few hundred pounds. Whoa!

Which way?

Thanks.

So, basically, I'm just trying to
learn everything I can. You know?

'Cause I don't want
just a job.

I want a career. You know,
something I can grow into. Oh.

I mean, I never thought I'd
be working in construction,

but when you think about it,
it makes sense...

Hey, we get paid
by the hour.

You wanna ruin it
for the rest of us?

Slow down.

Ah! Got visual
of subject. 4:00.

That's not 4:00.

Well, it is if you're facing
the front of the Van.

But we're not facing the front of the Van.
We're facing out that way.

That's 12,
so she's at 2:00.

Look, she's over there,
okay?

Okay.

You're up.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh.
Jumpy.

What's the matter?
I scare you?

Hey.

Oh, man.
She took 'em out.

Let me see.

Okay, give it back now.
No, I'm still looking.

No, you had your turn. Now
give me... no, I'm still...

♪♪

Duck!

Hey, all you said
was lose the mural.

Oh, my god!
Buffy, what...

What happened?
How...

I know these guys can be
jerks, but was it necessary...

I didn't do that. I'll
tell you what she did.

I came over to tell your friend I was
impressed with the job she was doing,

liking the way she handles
herself, and all of a sudden...

She goes berserk
and attacks me.

Wha... I saved you
from the d...

The demons. There were
three big apey things.

No. No, not here. Not at my job.
That's your job.

I can't help where the forces
of darkness attack me, Xander.

Buffy, would you
look at this mess?

Do you have any idea how much
it's gonna cost to repair this?

And what am I supposed
to say to the clients?

Should I show 'em the demon bodies?
Say it's their fault?

You can't.

They melted.

But, uh, uh,
there were witnesses.

Vince! Vince, you would
tell them, right?

How I jumped in and protected
you from those... things?

Hey, I don't know
what you're talking about.

All I know is you were
losing it or something.

It's that time
of the month, huh?

What? You were huddled in a
corner, crying like a baby.

Hey, hey, no way. Me, cryin'?
You're trippin', sweetie.

Trippin'.
What's her problem?

I didn't imagine this, Xander.
I know. I believe you.

In fact, I'm starting to think between
this attack and the school thing...

That somebody's
messing with you.

Really? You think
they're connected?

Well, there's something going on.
I think it's worth checking out.

And I don't mean later. You need to
see Giles and get on it right away.

I'd start with
I.D.'Ing those demons.

You're firing me, aren't you?
Big time.

The whole melty thing
ought to help narrow it down.

Uh, try sketching them.
That always helps.

And then maybe when I get off work,
I'll help you go through the mug shots.

This is gonna be great.

You know, I've always
been interested in, um,

interested in retail.

Uh, is this all research or just some
kind of stress test for the table?

I just want to be thorough.
This time anomaly...

And-and the demon attacks could
be completely unrelated events.

But if they're not, you
might be in some danger.

So, situation normal then.

Let's review.

Um, you record returns here. And these
are the slips for special orders.

You ship them wherever the customer wants.
And these are the hold slips.

Fill out two hold slips
for each item.

Oh, and be sure to remove
the items from the shelf.

Um, I can illustrate with an
amusing story about a crystal.

Um, see, there was
this certain customer...

Who'd wanted
to purchase a sapphire.

A sapphire... well,
a ding-dong, right?

And, so, anyway, I thought
it was just all crazy...

This is so dull, I might
actually have fallen asleep...

And be dreaming,
you guys.

Why is the slayer
here anyway?

She's a student, she's
a construction worker,

and now she's some kind
of selling-stuff person?

It's like she's
completely without focus.

Should we check the other
channels for free cable porn?

Guys, I'm ready.

I need you
to hold hands.

With each other?

Well, you know what homophobia
really means about you, don't you?

Stop touching
my magic bone!

Shut up. Okay.

Okay. It's in Latin,
so don't laugh.

It's supposed
to sound like this.

Buffy, a word
in your ear.

While I was
running the store,

I found it useful to imagine
myself back in the library.

Um, you know, if you concentrate on
service and not on making a sale,

you're more likely
to have a satisfied customer.

Guess I'll have to
find my own style.

Yes. Yeah, uh,
quite-quite right.

That woman...
Go sell her something.

Miss, which candle creates a more,
you know, romantic atmosphere?

Hmm.
"Lemon seduction."

Ew! "Essence of slug."
Here you go.

Thank you.
Yeah.

May I help you?

I need something
for a prosperity spell.

I heard you have it.
A mummy hand?

Uh, yeah. Actually,
I saw one downstairs.

It's kind of hairy, though.
Maybe it was a daddy hand.

I'll just get it.

"Petrified hamster."
Ew.

"Eyeballs in honey."

"Dagger of Lex."

Ooh. Ancient mummy hand.
Oh!

And you get the dagger
of Lex for free with it.

See the inlaid
mother-of-Pearl...

Underneath
the black, oozing goo?

This hand is dead.
The power is gone.

I'm not giving you money for this.
Oh, it's just playing dead.

Little scamp.

Buffy, a word
in your ear.

Um, while I was running
the store, huh?

What? Huh?
I found it useful to, uh,

to imagine myself
back in the library.

You know, if you...
We did this just now.

Giles, something
is happening.

- Yes, oh, uh, quite right.
- Ah, you did it.

Dude, she's looping. What'd you
do, enchant the hand thing?

Uh, well, not exactly.

I made it so she had to satisfy a customer
with a task that resists solving.

- Maybe I should have done more.
- Like what?

I don't know.
Like make her kind of itchy?

Go help the lady
who just came in.

Wait... don't worry.
Don't be nervous.

Do what I do.
Just picture yourself naked.

Uh, miss, i...

Hi. I'm looking for
something really specific.

- I heard you carry it.
- A mummy hand.

You look like
the mummy hand type.

Sorry. I can't
get that for you.

I called here 20 minutes ago,
and someone said you had one.

Yeah, um, but...
There's a thing happening.

You have one, and-and I
was told I could buy it.

And I'm sorry, but I'm really
gonna have to hold you to that.

I'm not leaving until
I get a mummy hand.

Okay.

I guess...

I'll have to
get it for you.

She's smart. So she's
figuring out the game...

Satisfy the customer.

Well, she just might
have beat you there, stretch.

No way.
She hasn't even started yet.

I just hope she solves it
faster than data did...

On the ep of t-n-g where the
enterprise kept blowing up.

Or Mulder in that x-files,
where the bank kept exploding.

Scully wants me
so bad.

Fingers sold separately.

Where you going?

Lady needs a mummy hand.
What?

You haven't even
talked to her yet.

I could explain, but you
would just forget it.

I'm worried
about you.

Retail is a fast-paced
and exciting world.

I mean, has this whole day just
gone by too quickly for you?

No.

No, I don't think
that's exactly the problem.

Buffy, a word in your ear. Um, if you
think of the store as a library,

it'll help you
to concentrate on, uh,

service rather than selling.

Yes. And then I'm going to marry Bob
dole and raise penguins in Guam.

Yes, uh, quite right.
Yes.

- Miss, i...
- Mummy hand! Right?

You got it, lady.

Miss...

Miss?
Hi.

You like slug, go with slug. She's
not gonna sleep with you anyway.

This mummy hand
has ceased to be!

It is an ex-mummy hand!

Buffy, a word
in your ear.

It's you!
You're doing this!

Oh!

I know we promised you a mummy hand.
It's just...

I can't get it for you.

Um, there's something
wrong with it.

It's defective.
Defective?

Are you sure? I... there must
be something you can do.

But there's no way
to get...

To get that hand, but I
can special-order one.

We can deliver it
anywhere you want.

Really?

Thank you for shopping
at the magic box.

Oh, ho! Yes!

Eek!

So, Warren had 220.

And I had that bonus
for getting her fired.

But the biggest component has to
be how long it took to finish.

Mine took the longest.

Only from a perspective
external to the time loops.

From Mr. giles's perspective,
it was shortest of all.

- So what do we do?
- Oh, it's obvious.

I mean, it's not over.

Buffy, your first sale.

Congratulations.

You-you didn't charge for delivery.
Ooh.

Well, your first day. You
know, these things happen.

Yeah, I'll just
take it out of your pay.

Yes. I'm sure Buffy
would understand that.

Absolutely.

This is gonna be great.

Life is stupid.

I have a dim memory
of that, yeah.

And I didn't figure you were
here cadging my whiskey...

'Cause life is all
full of blood and peaches.

There's this thing.

Someone's doing stuff to
me, messing up my life.

Except that it was kind of
pre-messed already.

You know,
with school and jobs.

It's pretty bad even
without the evil.

So, you, uh,
just what?

You gonna let
this whoever play you...

Till it figures out
what kills you?

Giles is working on it.
Oh, good.

'Cause Giles wields the mighty
force of library books.

You'd do better?

Damn right.
I'd hit the demon world.

Ask questions, throw punches,
find out what's in the air.

Hmm? It's fun too.

It's not my kind of fun.

Yeah, it is.

And your life's gonna get a lot less
confusing when you figure that out.

You have had so too much
to drink at this point,

I am cuttin' you off.

You're not a schoolgirl.

You're not a shopgirl.

You're a creature of
the darkness, like me.

Try on my world.

See how good it feels.

Are there drinks
in your world?

♪♪

- Your motorcycle is loud.
- S-s-s-s-spike.

The usual, Dave,
and one for the lady.

We're heading
for the back room, pet.

Where the real
action is.

These lowlifes know everything
that happens in this town.

Oh, good.
These are the lowlifes.

Fine.
A little louder.

Boys, what's the game?

You know the game, spike.
You in?

He kills our kind.
Don't let him in.

- Oh! Ask him if he's heard...
- Later.

You're gonna play cards?

I need a moment with my lady.

Go ahead.

Look, you wanna play,
that's fine.

Hey, I am sticking
to the original plan.

Which one do I kill for information?
Listen.

These guys talk
while they play.

We'll get more information out of their mouths
than out of gaping holes in their corpses.

I'm in.
Everyone okay with that?

Ante up.

I'm in.

You play for kittens?

So, who's gonna advance me
a tiny tabby, get me started?

- Come on. Someone's got to stake me.
- I'll do it.

What?

You thought I was just
gonna let that lie there?

Where're we goin'?
To "final jeopardy"...

Where Buffy's
the one in jeopardy.

We're really super-villains
now, like-like Dr. no.

Yes, back when bond was Connery
and movies were decent.

Who even remembers Connery?

I mean,
Roger Moore was smooth.

You're insane. You're
short, and you're insane.

I like Timothy Dalton.

Hey! Don't make me
pull over, okay?

You're lucky today,
spike.

- I've got my
good luck charm with me.

You cleaned us out.
No one's that lucky.

Yeah. I'm startin'
to think you cheat.

- Me? I cheat?
- Yeah!

He's got X-ray vision.

- I'm not using it.
- We are not the ones who are cheating.

I-I had no idea
that was there.

- I could've leaned on that days ago.
- You better go, spike.

Things could get ugly.

Got ugly the second he walked
in, him and his human.

Her skin's so tight, I don't even
know how you can look at her. Ew!

- Leave your winnings and get out.
- Yeah.

We'll forget
this whole thing.

Ah. So it's a setup,
isn't it?

Squeeze a few quid
out of the vamp.

Well, I'll tell you what you
didn't count on... me and the bird.

You want a fight?

You face the two of us.

What? I'm not getting
into a bar fight.

I'll beat 'em up
for information, great,

but not to defend your rights
to gamble for kittens...

Which, by the way,
is stupid currency.

- They're delicious!
- Come on, slayer.

- A big fight's just what you need.
- Forget it.

I'm not playing by anyone
else's rules anymore. I'm done.

- Hey, I won these!
- Scamper. Be free, kittens.

- The money's gettin' away.
- Give me that!

What's wrong, love?
What's wrong?

You were gonna help me.
You...

You were gonna beat heads
and-and-and fix my life.

But you're completely lame.

Tonight sucks!
And look at me.

Look at...
Look at stupid Buffy.

Too dumb for college
and-and... and freak Buffy.

Too strong
for construction work.

And-and my job
at the magic shop?

I was bored to tears even before
the hour that wouldn't end.

And the only person that I can
even stand to be around...

Is a neutered vampire
who cheats at kitten poker.

Oh. You saw
the cheating, did you?

Also, I think you're drunk.

Connery is bond.
He had style.

Yeah, but Roger Moore
was funny.

Moonraker? The gondola
turns into a hovercraft?

It's retarded. And, besides,
the guy had, like, no edge.

Dalton had edge. In license to
kill, he was a rogue agent.

That's edgy. And he was amazing
in the living daylights.

Yeah, which was written for Roger
Moore, not Timothy Dalton.

This is stupid! We're wasting time.
End of discussion.

I mean, there's a shot of pigeons doing
double takes when the gondola blasted by.

Moonraker is inexcusable.

That Van.

You want to steal a Van,
I'm with you, love,

but we have got
the motorcycle.

I've seen it before,
at the construction site.

Connery is the only actor
of the bunch.

Timothy Dalton
should get an Oscar...

And beat Sean Connery
over the head with it!

Okay, that's it.
Hey! Stop it!

Guys! No!

Look!

Oh, she's coming over here.
What do we do?

Jonathan,
grab your magic bone.

You have discovered me!

But do not try
to defeat me,

for I have been testing you,
and I know your weaknesses.

Huh?

I'm okay! I'm fine!
Get off me!

I am well struck!

I call on the misty portal
to my demon dimension,

where I'll lay my head
and gently die.

He blew up.
Did you see that?

Yeah, I saw.
He's gone.

Gotta love it, you know?
Makes you feel all powerful.

Strong.
Kinda sick.

- She hurt me all over.
- Someone'll see you. Get in the back.

- I won't fit.
- Well, do the thing.

Oh, right.
Let the spell be ended.

Ow.

Ow!

Ow!

Oh! Next time
I do that spell,

one of you guys
has to look like the demon.

The slayer touched you.

Yeah, it was sexy, the way she
touched me real hard with her fists.

I only looked big.

I actually had the proportional
strength of, uh, me.

Guys, think about this.
We took on the slayer.

We've got all kinds of stuff
in the computer now...

Speed, strength,
reaction time.

We're getting what we need to
really become a threat to her.

We tested her, faced her,
and we survived.

Unless I have internal injuries
that will eventually kill me.

Oh, of course. But barring
that, Warren's right.

- We did good.
- The trio versus the slayer.

It's not over.

Plus look what Warren and me discovered
by accident before we drove away.

What?

Free cable porn.

Feel any better?

I think at one point I actually
turned completely inside out.

But, yeah. Better.

I'm sorry I didn't, uh, find
this demon with my research.

Oh, it's okay.

It-it wasn't
much of a fight.

I got lucky.

I'm really screwing up,
Giles.

What? Come on.

You were being tested...

Sequentially by some
unknown demon.

I don't call that
screwing up.

No, it completely is.

I let the demon
set the rules.

Go easy on yourself,
will you?

I mean, you don't have to figure the
whole thing out at once, you know,

the job and everything.

You're pushing yourself
too hard.

The nice people
at the phone company...

Seem to think
it's not hard enough.

Well, maybe there's something
I can do about that.

This is, um...
I...

It's for you.

A check?

- This is-is too much. I-i can't take it.
- Well, tear it up if...

No! I was just being polite.
I'm taking the money.

This is... this is great.
This is more than great.

I don't really know
how to say this,

but it's a little
like having mom back.

In this scenario,
I am your mother.

Want to be my shiftless
absentee father?

Is there some sort of, um,
rakish uncle?

I'm just saying...

Thank you so much.

Uh...

I'm gonna
show this to dawn.

She loves it
when things get easy.

I just wanna tell you...

That, um,

this...

It makes me feel safe...

Knowing you're
always gonna be here.

Grr! Arrgh!