Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 6, Episode 4 - Flooded - full transcript

Previously on
Buffy the vampire slayer.

- Mom?
- I'm sorry. Your mother's dead.

Anya, you wanna marry me?

"I've gone.
Not one for long good-byes,"

I thought it best
to slip out quietly.

"Love to you all. Giles."

There he goes.

Guys, I need you
on board here.

This is deep stuff, Willow.

We're talking
about raising the dead.

It's time we stopped talking.



What if something
does goes wrong?

I can do this, I promise,
but not without you.

Osiris, here lies
the warrior of the people.

Let her cross over.

Release her.

It was Buffy, right?

We saw her,
and it was really Buffy?

- I think we screwed it up.
- No.

She's just disoriented...

From being tormented
in some hell dimension.

- She's been through a lot.
- What did you do?

I haven't been to
a hell dimension just of late,

but I do know a thing or two
about torment.

Wherever I was...



I was happy. I think
I was in heaven.

I was torn out of there
by my friends.

Everything here
is hard...

And violent.

This is hell.

So, we meet at last,
Mr. drippy.

- Want me to call a plumber?
- No.

You sure?
Yes.

- Got the number.
- Dawn, I'm on it, okay?

Ah.

There. All better.

Man, how much water can they
fit in one set of pipes?

If I understand right, the
entire city water supply.

It's like little clown cars
in the circus.

Told you we should have
called the plumber.

You were right. The plumber
will make everything good.

Dawnie, you're not
eating breakfast.

Dawn, breakfast is the most
important meal of the day.

It's unbelievably important.

You should eat breakfast
at least three times a day.

I'll, um, grab something
before school.

And a big sunnydale
round of applause...

For Tito the amazing,
plumber extraordinaire.

How's everything
looking down there?

Like we should start gathering
up two of every animal.

Basically, your pipes are shot. I mean, the
whole system's gonna have to be replaced.

What you need's a full
copper re-pipe job.

Full copper re-pipe? That
sounds potentially pricey.

Well, if you have any questions,
our number's on the invoice.

That's a weird
phone number.

Oh, wait.
Is that the bill?

Hey, Tito cut you
a good deal down there.

Those are his bargain prices, and
I did a little haggling for you.

Thank you.

So we'll pay him.
What's the big deal?

Um, Buffy, I know you're still
getting back on your feet after...

Lying flat on my back?

Yeah, uh, but
there's some money stuff...

We're gonna have
to talk to you about.

Okay, so you're
telling me I'm broke?

Not yet, but... money's
definitely becoming an issue.

As in your being
almost out of it.

But I haven't
spent any money.

I was all dead
and frugal.

I know this comes as
a bit of a shock after...

A bit of a shock, but it
took us by surprise too.

Your mother prepared everything
really well. She had insurance.

Life insurance.

Which should have left you
covered, but hospital bills...

Pretty much sucked up
all the money.

Which you're still hemorrhaging,
by the way.

How am I doing that?

No, not you, the house.

See, this house, just sitting
here, doing nothing,

by itself costs money.

So what do we do?

Easy. We burn the house to the
ground and collect the insurance.

Plus, fire. Pretty.

You guys, I'm kidding.

Okay, it's bills.
It's money.

It's pieces of paper sent by
bureaucrats that we've never even met.

It's not like
it's the end of the world.

Which is too bad, you know,
'cause that I'm really good at.

I'll take care of this.
I promise.

I just don't know how yet.

I know how.

Um, if...

If you wanna pay
every bill here...

And every bill coming...

And have enough to start
a nice college fund for dawn,

start charging.

For what?

Slaying vampires.

You're providing a valuable
service to the whole community.

I say cash in.

Well, that's an idea...

You would have.

Any other suggestions?

- Well, I mean, it's not so crazy.
- Yes, it is!

You can't charge innocent
people for saving their lives.

- Spider-man does.
- He does not.

- Does too!
- Does n... Xander?

Action is his reward.

Why don't you
ever take my side?

What are you talking about, taking
your side? Anya, I am your side!

You're throwing away
a gold mine.

Come on!

Wait up! Anya!

What's wrong with you? Why don't you
ask your best friend spider-man?

You know, if you're not gonna
support me... I'm supportive!

I'm totally supportive! I'm a flying
buttress of support. No, you're not.

This is because I haven't told them
yet about the engagement, isn't it?

No. Maybe.

Yes.

It's painful and confusing.

I mean, first you give me
this beautiful ring,

and then I can't
wear it in public.

I mean, do you know
how depressing that is?

Anya, I promise. Your waiting
days are almost over.

I know it's frustrating,

but the way I understand
this marriage thing,

it's kind of
a forever deal.

Not if you
never get started.

Don't you wanna get married?

Yes.

So then why
won't you tell them?

Because I'm still
getting used...

To the miracle
of a steady paycheck...

And getting out
of my parents' house.

And this...
This husband thing,

it's a big step, or a
lot of little ones.

And...

And I love you so much,

I just want every step
to be just right.

Really?

Hey! You tricked me!

Just now, with
your fancy talk and lips!

You keep doing this, and I keep
forgetting, and you keep stalling!

Anya! When are you
gonna grow up, Xander?

There's a first time for
everything is my philosophy.

This is my first big loan.

Collateral? No problem.

No problem.
No problem.

I love that tie.
I'm a problem solver.

Let's crunch those numbers.
Stupid skirt.

Sorry to keep you waiting.
Hello.

Carl Savitsky, loan officer.

Buffy summers.
Loan applier for.

I didn't know exactly what you would
need, so I brought everything.

I'm very responsible in that way.
Okay.

I don't think
I'll need this.

Or these.

Old report cards.
Definitely not.

So, about
my getting a loan...

Yes, well, um,

it looks as if, financially,
we have a bit of a tangle.

I know. And I figured
you could just,

you know, cut through that
tangle with scissors.

You know, where the loan
is the scissors.

Ms. summers, the only collateral
you have is your house,

which was never fully leveraged and has been
losing equity over the last several years.

For some reason, sunnydale property
values have never been competitive,

and refinancing's
out of the question.

Are you saying
you won't give me my loan?

Well, the problem is
you have no income.

No job.

No job?

I wish.

Hey!

Are you
in the wrong line?

That's for deposits.
That's for withdrawals.

And this one? It's for
getting kicked in the face.

Stupid skirt.

May I?

Put the girl down.

These things?
Never helpful.

Now, about my loan...

I'm not saying I'm charging you
for saving your life or anything,

but let's talk rates.

He still turned you down?
That's crazy!

I mean, even if the bank
did get robbed,

which you battling demons
couldn't possibly know,

you would think there would
be some kind of reward.

But, no, they're like,

"oh, we're not gonna give you money
unless you prove you don't need it."

- I mean, what kind of system is that?
- You're asking the wrong gal.

Hey, Buffy.

You're mad.

You noticed. It'll pass.

No! Anger is a big,
powerful emotion...

You should feel.

Well, that's good, then.

It's gone now.

Okay, let me make you mad again.
Uh, ready?

Um...

Last semester,
I slept with Riley.

And you know,
I really doubt it.

Caught me. Big fib.

To cover up the sleazy
affair I had with angel.

Wil, what the hell
are you doing?

Pissing you off.

Yes. True. Why?

Well, 'cause, you know,

since you've been back,
you haven't exactly been...

Big with the whole range
of human emotions thing.

What do you mean?
Well, you haven't...

No, I mean,
it's just, um...

You know, this is
really my problem.

I'm all over the place, and you should
just, uh, forget I even said anything...

'Cause... 'cause...
Well, 'cause, you know,

banks, man.

Don't be such a wiener dog.
Look at them.

Researching demons
for the billionth time.

They could use
a peppy boost of happy news.

You're right.
I'll tell them.

As soon as Buffy and Willow come in.
Chicken.

Would you stop?
Dare you.

Anya, if I tell them that we're
engaged right after you dared me to,

wouldn't you always wonder if
that's the only reason I did it?

Oh.

Score one
for captain logic.

No, no. Captain logic
is not steering this tugboat.

I smell captain fear
at the wheel.

God! I hate this!
This tone in my voice?

I dislike it more than you
do, and I'm closer to it.

Oh, come on, Tara. I am so
old enough to do research.

Do you really think
I'm not mature enough?

I think you're very mature for your
age, but you're still only 15.

Right.
15, as in teenager.

You know, if you don't let
me look at the pictures,

I'm gonna learn everything I
know about demons on the street.

Knock yourself out.
Thank you.

See? No biggie.
I can totally handle it.

That's a weird place
for a horn.

That's not a horn.

You know,
I still don't get it.

I mean, what kind of a
demon would rob a bank?

The kind that wants money.
What do you even call that?

This?

I'm guessing on
how you say it.

It's got an apostrophe.
I think it's m'fashnik.

Like, mmm, cookies.

Or maybe muh'fashnik.

Like, muh... fashnik.

This your guy?

You do research now?

Want a cappuccino and a pack
of cigarettes to go with it?

Would you just
look at the picture?

It doesn't exactly fit the profile
for your typical bank robber.

Maybe they turned down
his loan application.

That's him. Big bad.

This thing was strong, guys.
No weapons that I could see,

but still... real dangerous.

Oh, god, Buffy.

You're alive.
You're here.

And you're still
remarkably strong!

Huh? Oh.

Sorry. Willow told me, but I didn't
really let myself believe it.

I take a little
getting used to.

And I'm still
getting used to me.

It's, uh... you're...

A miracle.
Yes.

But then,
I always thought so.

So...

I can start.

How was England?
How was life?

Uh, I'm not really sure
how to answer that.

Um, well, I arrived home.

I met with the council.
Always a good time.

Yes. Otherwise, there's
nothing really to report.

I... I keep a flat in bath.

I met with a few old friends.

Almost made a new one, which I think
is statistically impossible...

For a man of my age.

And now you're back.

Yes.

Wow.

Giles, are you miserable about
it, or just really British?

I can't lie to you, Buffy.

Um, leaving sunnydale...

Was-was, uh, difficult.

And coming back is...

I'm guessing the word
is "inconvenient"?

No.

Bewildering.

And how are you,

really?

You look tired.

Me? Nah. Fine.

I mean, yeah, you know,
sleeping's hard,

but just because of the whole
waking-up-in-a-box thing.

So, maybe waking up's
the problem.

Yeah, but
just for a second.

I sleep okay.
Great, even.

Except, you know,
for the dreams.

You seem to be doing remarkably
well under extreme circumstances.

I'm proud of you.

Well, actually,
it wasn't me.

Willow brought me back. I just lay there.
You know, I meant...

I know what you meant.

That was just a little
post-postmortem comedy.

Oh, well, I, uh, better
start prepping for slayage.

Yes, there is always that, isn't there?
Seems that way.

Giles!

We're so glad to see you.
We missed you.

You can't have the store back.
I know.

You signed papers.
I did.

Do we have information
on this new demon...

That I suddenly find so
desperately interesting?

That we do.
This one robs banks.

- Oh.
- I found him.

M'fashnik. Oh.

Aha! Like, mmm, cookies.

Uh, no. Quite different,
actually.

- You know it?
- By reputation, yes.

They come from a long line
of mercenary demons...

That perform acts of slaughter and
mayhem for the highest bidder.

Well, that is
the American way.

Yes, but the question
now becomes...

What's out there powerful enough
to control one of those things?

We had a deal.
You got what you wanted.

Now give me what I want...
The head of the slayer.

Okay.
Sure.

We can do that.

You hired me to create
chaos and carnage for you,

told me
you were powerful men,

commanding machines, magics,
the demon realms below.

Yeah.
Yeah, uh-huh.

We're like super villains.

Which one of you
is the leader?

I am.
I will kill the leader.

He is.
I will kill you all.

Wait. No fair.

It's not our fault
the slayer was there.

We said we'd pay you,
and we're gonna.

Yes. Truly lord Jonathan
is the wisest of us all.

Uh, yeah. Long live
our noble lord and master.

You guys suck.

You can't pay me
with paper, tiny king.

You pitted me
against the slayer.

For that I must kill you.

Then I will
suck dry your bones...

And use them to
beat your subjects to death.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Big guy, hey, hey.

Let's back things up a parsec, okay?
You kill us, everybody loses.

You let us live,
we give you...

Give me what?

Name it!

Well, between
the three of us,

we can pretty much
do anything.

Like, if you want a spell to make you
look super cool to the other demons.

I'm all over
that action, my friend.

Or... just throwin' it out
there... robot girlfriend?

For those long, lonely nights
after a hard day's slaughter.

You can do this?

Don't trust him.
Robo-pimp daddy's all mouth.

Shut up, Andrew. You're just mad I
wouldn't build you Christina Ricci.

- You owe me, man.
- Or else what?

You'll train another pack of
devil-dogs to ruin my prom?

- Graduated!
- That wasn't me. How many times do I have to say it?

- The prom thing was my lame-o brother, Tucker.
- Tell him I was at that prom.

Hello? Screen wipe.
New scene.

I had nothing to do
with the devil-dogs.

I trained flying demon monkeys to attack
the school play. School play, dude.

That was cool. Remember, everyone
was, like, "run, Juliet!"

Enough!

Nothing you can offer me
will satisfy your debt to me.

I don't want your toys or your
spells, flying monkey demons.

I want the slayer dead!

Okay.
Done.

One dead slayer coming up. Could
you just give us a minute?

For what?

Well, we just really
wanna nail down...

The optimum method for us to
wipe out the slayer for you.

Make sure it involves pain.

I know they're so cute
you could die,

but it's all I got.

Think nothing of it.
It's, um, whimsical.

They were mine when I was little.
Couldn't find the guest sheets.

Mom always did this stuff.

They don't actually fit.

I blame the sofa. We need one
of those pull-out kinds.

The kind with no payments
till 2000-infinity?

What?

Oh, it's just money stuff.

It turns out
mom left me some,

and while I was dead, it got
squandered on luxuries...

Like food and clothing.
How bad is it?

Anya says pretty bad.

I'm kind of
taking her word for it.

Actually, I'm kind of trying
not to think about it.

Sound policy.
At least for tonight.

Figured I'd put it out of my mind.
You know, take a break.

Get some perspective.

And then wake up
at 4:00 A.M. terrified.

Buffy, perhaps you're putting
too much pressure on yourself.

I mean, to return from some
unknown level of hell,

it's only natural
that coming back...

Would be a process.

In the meantime,
I'm scaring people.

Well, that
can take time too.

Well, if it's any consolation,
life can be pretty overwhelming,

even for people who haven't
been where you have.

- I guess.
- Look, tomorrow morning,

you and I will
sit down together,

and we'll go through everything,
every bill, one by one.

We'll work it out
together.

I'm glad you're back.

Well, I'm glad
you are too.

Are we really gonna kill her?

- That's so sad.
- Shut up, whine-athan.

But I don't wanna
kill Buffy either.

Yeah. She saved my life a bunch of times.
Plus she's hot.

It's her or us.
I mean, we have to do it.

We're talking about murder. No,
we're talking about staying alive.

And since this is my mom's
house, I think what I say goes.

But aside from the moral
issues and the mess,

we can get in trouble
for murder.

Duh. You know,
the last I checked,

the authorities also frown
on bank robbery too, genius!

I don't even know if we could kill Buffy.
She's got super-strength.

And killing people... this is not why
we got together in the first place.

We teamed up with one clear, super-cool
mission statement. Remember?

So,

you guys wanna team up
and take over sunnydale?

Okay.

Of course I remember.
It was last month.

Then you know
we have a mission.

Shrink rays,

trained gorillas,

workable prototype
jet-packs...

And chicks, chicks, chicks.

I know that's the action I signed on for.
Me too. Ix-nay on the urder-may.

Vote.
Okay.

Who's for
not killing Buffy?

Agreed.

So what are we gonna do
about this m'fashnik guy?

Ah, wait here, okay?
I got an idea.

Here's the slayer's name,
address and telephone number.

You wanna kill her?
Make it so.

How'd you
make him do that?

What are you,
some kind of Jedi?

The force can sometimes have
great power on the weak-minded.

Hmm.
Ah.

Hey, Giles.

You have a good talk
with Buffy?

Yes, now she's back.

- Isn't it awesome?
- Mm.

Tell me about
the spell you performed.

Oh. Okay, first of all,
so scary.

Like, the Blair witch would
have had to watch like this.

And-and this giant snake
came out of my mouth,

and there was all
this energy crackling,

and this pack of demons interrupted,
but I totally kept it together.

And then, the next thing
you know... Buffy.

You're a very stupid girl.

What? Giles.

Do you have any idea
what you've done?

The forces you've harnessed,
the lines you've crossed?

I thought you'd be impressed
or something.

Oh, don't worry. You've...
made a very deep impression.

Of everyone here,

you were the one
I trusted most...

To respect
the forces of nature.

Are you saying
you don't trust me?

- Think what you've done to Buffy.
- I brought her back.

- At incredible risk!
- Risk?

Of what?
Making her deader?

Of killing us all.
Unleashing hell on earth.

I mean, shall I go on?
No.

Giles, I did what I had to do.
I did what nobody else could do.

There are others in this world who can do what
you did. You just don't want to meet them.

No, probably not, but...

Well, they're the bad guys.
I'm not a bad guy.

I brought Buffy back
into this world,

and maybe the word you should be
looking for is "congratulations."

Having Buffy back in this world makes
me feel indescribably wonderful,

but I wouldn't congratulate you if you
jumped off a cliff and happened to survive.

- That's not what I did, Giles.
- You were lucky.

I wasn't lucky.
I was amazing.

And how would you know?
You weren't even there.

If I had been, I'd have
bloody well stopped you.

The magics you channeled are
more ferocious and primal...

Than anything you can
hope to understand,

and you are lucky to be alive,
you rank, arrogant amateur!

You're right.

The magics I used
are very powerful.

I'm very powerful, and maybe it's not
such a good idea for you to piss me off.

Come on, Giles, i...
I don't wanna fight.

Let's not, okay?

I'll think about
what you said, and you...

Try to be happy Buffy's back.

We still don't know
where she was...

Or what happened to her.

And I'm far from convinced...

She's come out
of all this undamaged.

Hello, spike.

You hear all that noise?

Just enough
to make me feel crappy.

You know watcher boy
doesn't mean anything by it.

I guess.

Everyone,

they all care.

They all care so much.
It... makes it all harder.

I'm not sure I followed you
round that bend, love.

I don't know.

I just... I feel like I'm
spending all of my time...

Trying to be okay,
so they don't worry.

It's exhausting.

And then, i...

And that makes them
worry even more.

You want me
to take them out?

Give me a hell of a headache, but I
could probably thin the herd a little.

I knew I could
get a grin.

Why are you always around
when I'm miserable?

'Cause that's when
you're alone, I reckon.

I'm not one for crowds
myself these days.

Me, neither.

That works out
nicely, then.

So, what do you know
about finances?

Dawn?

- Couldn't sleep?
- Not really. You?

Evidently not.

You ever try mixing parts of every
cereal you got in one bowl?

Does it work?

Gonna find out. Wanna
come join the experiment?

Why don't I be your control group?
You'll find that as you get older,

that you lose Patience
with... throwing up.

Is that locked?

It should be.

You're not the slayer.

But you'll do for a start!

You're paying
for that door, buddy.

Oh! Table!

You have cost me,
slayer!

I cost you? That's
a designer lamp, ya mook!

Spike, no!
I want him in the kitchen.

Open the door!

The basement.
I'm takin' him down!

No!

Full copper re-pipe!

No more...

Full copper re-pipe!

Whoa.

Did you know
this place was flooded?

I think we got a lot
to feel good about.

We got the money.
We got the lair.

And our one loose end has
been taken care of...

By the slayer.

Flamethrower's up.

Periscope's working.

It looks like your mom's
weeding tulips again.

Action figures
fully deployed.

I still can't believe it.
We did it.

We can do anything. We could
stay up all night if we wanna.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't get
all crazy on us, Andrew.

- I was only saying.
- What are we gonna do about Buffy?

You know, sooner or later, the
slayer's gotta come after us.

- Bring her on.
- We could hypnotize her.

Make her our willing sex bunny.

I'm putting that
on the list.

Is this the life
or what?

I mean, here we got all
the stuff we ever wanted,

and we didn't even have to...

- Earn it?
- Exactamundo.

It's true, my friends.
The way I see it,

life is like
an interstellar journey.

Some people go into hyper-sleep
and travel at sub-light speeds,

only to get where they're going
after years of struggle,

toil, and hard, hard work.

We, on the other hand...

Blasted through the space-time
continuum in a wormhole?

Gentlemen,

crime is our wormhole.

But everyone knows...

If the width of a wormhole cavity
is a whole number of wavelengths...

Plus a fraction of that wavelength,
the coinciding particle activity...

Collapses
the infrastructure.

Dude, don't be a geek.

This is gonna take
forever, isn't it?

Not forever.
Just a very long time.

Here it is... your first approximation
of your spanking-new debt.

I've trashed this house so many times.
How did mom pay for this?

For starters, she saved money with
this crappy-ass coffee table.

Well, there's always
that charging option.

No. I will definitely...

Probably not
be doing that.

Well, I know I'm back in America
now I've been knocked unconscious.

- Thank you.
- Poor, lumpy Giles.

What do you think
the demon wanted, anyway?

Uh, aside from
costing you a bundle?

Don't know. Now he's way too
dead to answer that question.

Wish I knew who hired him.

Ooh, I could do
a locator spell.

- Or not.
- That's it.

It's been four hours.
I'm calling it, people.

This coffee table,
it's gone. Damn it!

Also, this lamp's
in critical condition.

Well, let's take these
things out to the trash...

And give 'em
a decent throwin' out.

Buffy.

I don't think
I can do this.

Yes, you can.

Your mother dealt with this
sort of thing all the time.

She took one crisis
at a time,

without the aid
of any superpowers...

And got through it all...
So can you.

You sure?

I'm positive.

Who's calling me?
Everybody I know lives here.

I'll be back.

I bet it's creditors.

The hounding's begun.
I read about it.

- So you think we'll starve?
- I very much doubt it.

No chance
I'd have to quit school...

To work assembling cheap toys in
a poorly ventilated sweatshop?

Poorly ventilated...
What have you been reading?

- Buffy, what is it?
- Angel.

- Is he in trouble?
- He knows that I'm...

He needs to see me.

I have to see him.
Well, of course.

You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow.

Not L.A. and not here.

Somewhere in the middle.
There's a place.

I see. Well, we should get these bills
and things out of the way bef...

I have to go now.

Oh. Um...

Thanks for taking care
of this for me.

Grr! Arrgh!