Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 6, Episode 16 - Hell's Bells - full transcript

Previously...
Buffy.

If I'd known you were coming,
I'd have baked a cake.

Tell me you love me.
I love you.

- Tell me you want me.
- I always want you.

Anya,
you want to marry me?

Yes.

- We're getting married.
- Congratulations.

Wedding in one week.

We have friends, family, demons flying
in, a to-do list getting no shorter.

Can we not do this now?

I don't think
this is gonna work.



Are you saying
you're gonna leave me?

Big wedding coming up.

You and Tara
are speaking again.

You wanna call her,
invite her over?

Oh, no. Too soon
for so bold a maneuver.

- It's over.
- I've memorized this tune, love.

I'm using you,
and it's killing me.

I'm sorry, William.

I know there has been
a lot of loss.

People have a tendency
to go away.

And sometimes I wish
I could just make them stop.

Wish granted.

B... Buffy, it's hideous.

Oh, my god, Buffy.
Look at its arms.



I know,

but it's my duty.

I'm Buffy
the bridesmaid.

Duty schmooty.

I'm supposed to be
best man.

Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrichy
in a dashing tuxedo number?

No.

That'd be totally unfair.

We must share equally in the cosmic
joke that is bridesmaidsdom.

Oh.

Well, maybe if I ask Anya,
I can still go...

With the traditional
blood larva and burlap.

I mean, she was a vengeance demon
for, like, a thousand years.

She would know all
the most flattering larvae.

What was she thinking?

I think she's probably too
stressed to be thinking right now,

what with Xander's relatives
and her... demons.

Oh, my god. Last night,
the rehearsal dinner.

That was like a zoo
without the table manners,

and I bet it got worse
after we left.

I can't believe everyone bought that story
about Anya's people being circus folk.

You see the guy with the tentacles?
What's he supposed to be?

Inky the squid boy?
And Xander's family...

I haven't seen them that bad
since my bat mitzvah.

Did you see how much
they drank?

Kinda. Mr. Harris
threw up in my purse.

Oh!

Ohh!

You guys look so beautiful!

This is the happiest day
of my whole life!

You seen my cuff links,
uncle Rory?

Little metal deals, hold my sleeves
together. You don't want those.

What you really want is Velcro. Did I
ever tell you how that was my idea?

Excuse me. Comin' through.
How you doin'? Good.

Rory,
what you doin' there?

I'm tryin' to make myself
an Irish coffee,

but this stupid thing
is on the Fritz.

Watch it.
It's still plugged in.

Oh, god!

Gotcha.

Oh, is that broken? You want
me to take a look at that?

Knock yourself out
there, Kevin.

Uh, that's, uh, Kroven.

Right. Right. Kroven.

Whoo!

Oh!

Xander, you're not ready yet?

Look at my hair!

I suppose it doesn't matter 'cause I won't
actually be in any of the pictures.

You'll be
in the pictures, ma.

- I think your hair looks lovely.
- Oh!

Hey, how's about
some breakfast?

Oh, well, I guess if I'm a little
plump, it doesn't matter...

'Cause I won't
really be...

You'll be in the pictures, ma!

That's one of hers, right?

Hey! You're one
of hers, right?

You met kroven already,
dad, last night.

Yeah, we met. You, uh, said I
resembled your mother-in-law.

- Tony!
- Oh, yeah.

And then you hit me with a cocktail
wiener and insulted my heritage.

Heritage.

Being circus folks
is suddenly heritage now, huh?

I mean no disrespect,
of course.

I'm sure you come from
a long, proud line of geeks.

I'm kidding!
Just kidding.

Xander. Xander.

You know that guy Kevin?

If he could clear up the
skin problem, do you think...

Do you suppose he'd date
a woman with a kid?

I mean, I really can't
afford to be very picky.

Cousin Carol, your earrings
are my cuff links.

They are? Oh, my. Oops.

Excellent. Cuff links... check.
We're rollin'.

Now nothing on earth
can stop this wedding now.

Is it too small?

Nah.

It fit when I picked up the tux.
How can it not fit now?

It'll fit.

Aw, man. What if it doesn't? What
if I can't wear my cumberbund?

Then the whole world can see the
place where my pants meet my shirt!

Buffy,
that cannot happen!

I must wear das cumberbund!

And so... you... shall!

You got it!
Slayer strength.

I've been meaning to cut back
on that habit-forming oxygen.

Look at you.

You look great, Mr. about to get married.
You're glowing.

Oh, my god.
Maybe you're pregnant!

Maybe. I don't know.

Maybe I'm just happy.

Teary? Oh! Good.

Good teary.
Happy teary?

Not frustrated
with bow tie teary.

Yes. Happy.

Happy for you.
That makes me happy for me.

You and Anya give me hope.

It's like
you two are proof

that there's light
at the end...

Of this very long, long,
nasty tunnel.

And I cannot tie this tie.
Where's your best man?

Isn't she supposed to do this? She said
she had something important to do.

Want me to hold it shut for you?
Oh, okay.

Are you guys even listening?
I need feedback, people.

Sorry. Please continue
with the vows. Okay.

I, Anya, promise to...

Love you,
to Cherish you,

to honor you, but not to
obey you, of course...

Because that's anachronistic
and misogynistic,

and who do you
think you are,

like a sea captain
or something?

However, I do entrust you...

What?
Is something funny?

No. N-nothing, sweetie.
Just... just keep still.

Okay, blah, blah, blah.

Misogynistic. Blah, blah.

I do, however, entrust you
with my heart.

Take care of my heart,
won't you, please?

Take care of it because
it's all that I have...

And, if you let me,

I'll take care
of your heart too.

I'll protect it and tend to it
like a little stray.

Wait, no. Like a little mangy
stray that needs a home.

No, that's not it either.

Um...
I think we're all set here.

Let's take a look at you.

Oh.
Wow.

You look lovely, really.
Lovely.

Thanks.

It's probably the blush
of imprudent spending.

Do you think Xander
will like it?

- I want to see Xander now.
- You can't.

It's bad luck for the groom to see
the bride in her dress, remember?

Right. I can't keep all these
ridiculous traditions straight.

Well, what if I'm not wearing
my dress when I see him?

Okay, no sex.
Cuddling?

It's just I'm so excited, and I want
to share it all with my best friend.

I get to be with my best
friend forever. Yea!

Guess who agreed to be
my date for tonight?

I'm really supposed
to be working.

I'm one of the caterers.
Oh, hush, hush.

No woman of mine
is gonna work.

All you have to do is sit pretty
and laugh when I tell a good one.

Tell her what a funny guy
I am, dawnie.

Gotta go.
Enjoy the wedding.

Oh, bad head.

What?
The lip wasn't split right.

You see, what you gotta do is grab the
lip between your thumb and your finger,

and then you have to slice right
through the center of the meat.

Hmm.
It was my trade.

I used to stuff things.

I still do,

but only for fun.

Hi. Go ahead.

Oh. Hymen's greetings.
Hi... what?

Hymen,
the god of matrimony.

His salutations
upon you.

May the love we celebrate today
avoid an almost inevitable decline.

Cool.

I brought a gift.
I suppose there's a table.

Oh, uh...
Halfrek.

Oh, please,
call me Hallie.

We're practically family now.
Hmm. Neat.

I can put this on the table for you.
Thank you. Careful. It's...

Fragile?
Squirmy.

Oh.

So, dawnie,

how's everything?

Going good? Nothing you
wish was different?

Oh, Hallie, for yekk's
sake, take a day off.

We're not here to do vengeance.
We're here to mingle.

Oh, look! It's Gottrika
what's-her-name.

What has she done
with herself?

Spike. Oh, I want you
to meet my date.

H-hi. I'm dawn.

Uh-huh.

So, yeah, anyway, that's my date.
She's with me.

- My date for the wedding.
- Yeah.

Okay, well,
nice meeting you.

Goron!
Hey, hey!

So, circus folk.
What's that like?

Yeah, your friend,
the fellow with the warts,

uh, went off on
his circus heritage,

like you folks are all in some
kind of cult or something.

Well, there are ancient ways.
Hmm.

Clowning,
as an occupation,

grew out of the commedia Dell'arte
and, uh, ancient sports.

The thing is if you expect
Xander to bring up his kids...

In some kind of foreign speaky,
bow-to-the-easty kind of cult...

You think the children should be
raised in ignorance of our ways?

No. No! The harrises
are very broad-minded.

- We're Episcopalians.
- Oh.

Till death do us part.

That's what cracks me up.

Hit me again, barkeep.

How do I look?

Well, let's see. Found your shoes.
Your fly zipped.

I'd say you look like
you're ready to get married.

Oh. You're one
of the decent ones, Xander.

I hope I'm as lucky
as you guys some day.

You want to get lucky? I still
got, what... 15, 20 minutes.

Oh. All right.
Into the breach with you.

Okay, breach me.

Now, let's go over the list one more time.
Number one.

Don't let your dad near the bar.
Check.

Number two. Don't let
your mom near the bar.

Check. Hey, Buffy. Spike's here,
and he brought a total skank.

Skank. A manic, panic freak
who he was totally macking with

right in the middle
of the room.

I saw him shove his tongue...
spike brought a date?

Yeah.
Wait till you see her.

Guys, I better go
meet and greet.

Uh, just go ahead.

I'll be a sec.

Hey, Xander.
Congratulations.

Hi.
No problem.

Congratulations, son.

Hello, young man.

Oh, Xander.
Ooh, I love ya.

Do you realize that the Usher
sat us in the third row?

Mom, I'm sure it was a mistake.
I don't think...

Excuse me... neph, do you know
where the photographer is?

I got a proposition... i
really need to talk to you.

- Honey, listen to me.
- Xander, one of Anya's presents got loose.

- Got loose?
- It's this fully alive squiggly thingie.

- That's fine.
-

- please, please. You have to...
- hey!

You have to listen to me.
You can't get married today.

It's a huge mistake.

Yeah, right. Thanks for
the advice, uncle...

Help me here.
Uncle?

You don't recognize me, do you?
I'm sorry. I don't.

It sounds crazy, I know,
but you have to believe me.

I'm Xander Harris.

I'm you.

What do you mean,
you're me?

I'm you.
I'm you from the future.

Oh, from the future!

For a minute I thought you were a nut ball,
but now that you're from the future...

Please listen to me. I found my way
back to warn you, to tell you...

Hey, hey. Easy, easy. Everything's
going to be all right.

Toast! I told that guy no
drinks before the ceremony.

Toast!
A toast to the Harris clan.

Look. Look!

I can prove it to you.

I can see that blood,
even bad blood...

I thought you might
need convincing.

Plus, seeing the messed-up crew Anya
has with her... Come on. Follow me.

Make you guys
look pretty good.

And to my wife, Jessica...
Where are you, honey?

There she is.

To my wife.

What would I do
without you, beautiful?

Well, for starters, I probably
wouldn't need to drink so much,

would I?

On the brighter side, marriage
has probably saved me...

From a nasty dose
of the clap.

Here's to you.

Does this jerk
ever shut up?

He's startin' to make
my suckers twitch.

And a toast to the bride's
dermatologically challenged...

Family shrub.

- Sit down!
- Hey, I paid for all this.

You want me to sit down, you cough
up a couple of grand, squiddly.

What'd you call me,
you drunken piece of...

Mazel tov!
Hey, what's this?

You must be so happy for
Xander on his very special,

once-in-a-lifetime day,
huh, Mr. Harris?

- Nice chassis.
- What's under the hood?

You know, I could use a strong cup
of coffee. Let's get you one too.

What do you say? Did you used to own
a little, square, pinkish purse?

I did.
I thought so.

Hey, what do you say we slip in
the back room and I show you my...

You finish that sentence, and I guarantee
you won't have anything to show.

Ooh.

What is it?
It's magic.

Very powerful.
Look at it.

You'll see what I've seen,

feel what I've felt.

A snap, fake to the inside.

Anya.

Anya! Get the hell away from me!

Dad, Josh is teasing me! Sara is a weirdo.
Sara is a weirdo.

What?

You going out again?

- I'm doing a makeover party.
- I thought you hated those.

Well, one of us
has to make some money.

What do you want me to do, huh?
I can't work. My back's shot.

And whose fault is that?

Oh, no, no, no.
Not the Buffy thing again.

- You had no business fighting demons with her.
- Buffy needed me.

I had to help.

Well, it didn't save her,
did it?

All it did
was ruin our lives.

I'll be late.

I hope you crash
in your stupid pink car!

- What?
- I hate this place.

You guys know
I don't eat wheat.

You don't eat anything, freak.

At least I'm not
a mama's boy.

At least I'm not a demonic freak.
Dad, make him cut it!

Maybe you should talk
to your mother about that.

You've had too much wine.

Have I?

I'm just saying maybe you
should talk to your daughter!

Oh, I hate you guys! I know
that you're not my real dad!

And I hate you! I hate you both!
I wish you'd die!

This sucks.

If you were so unhappy,
why didn't you just leave?

I wanted to.
I should have.

Yeah, you should, 'cause maybe I would have
gotten some touch in the past 20 years.

I wasn't the one
who stopped touching!

Oh-ho. Maybe, but you
weren't touching me!

What did you
expect me to do?

You wouldn't come near me after
Buffy... don't bring her into this!

Fine. Forget her.

Maybe you were just born to
be a bitter, angry old man.

- Shut up.
- No! I want my life back!

If I hadn't married you, I wouldn't have
had to hate myself for the last 30 years!

Shut up!

I'm so sorry.

- I didn't want to show you.
- What happened? What was that?

A glimpse of your future,
harnessed by magic.

Is she okay? Is she okay?
What did I do?

Listen,
I don't have long here.

The spell that brought
me back, it won't last.

But you can change things.

It doesn't have to go
like this.

But you can't marry Anya.
But...

You'll hurt her less today than
you will later. Believe me.

Sometimes two people...

All they bring each other
is pain.

Hello, Buffy.

Hey.

It's a happy occasion.

Did you meet my friend?

No. Not yet.

But she seems like a very nice
attempt at making me jealous.

Is it working?

A little.

It doesn't change anything,

but I-if you're
wildly curious,

yeah, it hurts.

I'm sorry.

Or... good.

You want us to go?
No. No, i...

You have every right to be here.
I pretty much deserve...

That's not true.
You...

God, this is hard.

Yeah.

I think we'll go.

Go where? Your place?

Yeah, I suppose.

That was the idea.
Yeah.

Evil.
Of course.

Uh, but I won't...

Or, uh...

I'll just go. Give my best to
whatever... the happy couple.

I will.

It's nice to watch you
be happy.

For them, even.
I don't see it a lot.

You, uh...

You glow.

That's because the dress
is radioactive.

I-I should...
Yeah.

But it hurts?

Yeah.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Let's go, then.
What about the wedding?

Let's just piss off,
all right?

I'll say this
for the "y" chromosome.

Looks good in a tux.

Well, your double x's don't
look too bad there either.

You're getting married.

Little old Xander.
All growed up.

It's a good thing
I realized I was gay.

Otherwise, hey,
you, me and formal wear.

Do you know
how much I love you?

Hmm. About half as much
as I love you.

You ready
for the long walk?

Uh, yeah,
just give me a sec.

I want to work on my vows.
Take your time.

It's not like we can start
the wedding without ya.

I, Anya,
promise to Cherish you.

Yeah. No, not "Cherish."
Um...

I promise
to have sex with you...

Whenever I want...

And, uh, uh, pledge
to be your friend,

your wife
and your confidante...

And your sex poodle.

- Uh, sex poodle?
- Yeah. What?

Um, I'm not sure you
should say "sex poodle"...

In your vows.

Huh.

♪♪

♪♪

Music. They're playing the music!
This is it.

Are you ready to go?

He's gone.
Xander disappeared.

What? Xander's gone?

What should we do? I'm
gonna go look for him.

I'm gonna find him,
and you're gonna stall.

Sorry about that.

- There's just gonna be a little bit of a delay.
- Why? What's wrong?

Nothing!

Nothing's wrong. It's just,
um... it's the minister.

He had, uh, to go and perform
an emergency c-section.

- C-section?
- Yeah.

He's not just a minister.
He's also a doctor.

You know, he's half
minister, half doctor.

He's a, uh, minitor.

Not, of course, to be confused
with a minotaur...

Because he's all, you know,
man-ness... doctor, minister, man.

No-no bull parts
whatsoever.

Uh-huh.

So I-it should just be
a couple of minutes.

Okay.

Okay.

For the last time...

I, Anya,

want to marry you,
Xander,

because I love you...

And I'll always love you.

And before I knew you, I was like
a completely different person.

Not even a person,
really.

And I'd seen what love
could do to people,

and it was hurt and sadness.

Alone was better.

And then suddenly
there was you.

And you knew me.

You saw me.

And it was this... thing.

You make me feel
safe and warm.

So, I get it now.

I finally get love,
Xander.

I really do.

I'm bored.

It's a wedding, honey.
We're all bored.

♪♪

No! No, it's, uh...

It's... it's not
what you think.

Beautiful.

♪♪

This is pandemonium.
What's going on?

I mean, I am sorry, but what the
hell was that minister thinking?

- I don't know. He...
- I mean, delivering a baby on my special day?

It's totally rude of him,
and the mother.

Why couldn't he have
just told her to hold it?

Give me a double Jack.

This is a disaster.

It's that Anya.
I know it.

She made us pay for the whole thing,
and now she's gonna louse it up!

Women!

I offered to help.
She didn't want my help.

This thing totally
isn't happening.

We should have known that she would
never, ever... i am worried about Anya.

Oh, sure.
Of course you are.

Oh, halfrek.

You know I love
all my demons equally.

Buffy, you've gotta
do something.

So... who here's
from out of town?

My family is worse.

No way. Mine is so messed up.
You have no idea.

Just wait until you see my mom
dance at the reception, okay?

Then tell me
who's messed up.

I guess they're all
messed up.

Yeah.
Everybody's pretty lame.

First word. One word.

- Animals.
- Animal?

Bull!

Anya! Wait up.

This bride waits
for no one.

If the minister's not here yet, then we'll
just have to get married without a minister.

Geez,
what is the holdup?

Can you keep a secret?
Mm-hmm.

Nobody knows this, but the groom
took off, and no one can find him.

What?

Um... I'll catch you later, dawn.

Xander's gone?
Xander's missing?

What do you mean,
Xander's missing?

It's a joke.

Xander is playing
a joke.

It's like one time
at one of Carol's weddings.

I had this ape suit.
Oh, great.

- I put it on...
- Another Harris family joke.

Why don't you have
another drink?

Drinking is the only way
I can dull the pain...

Of looking at
your ugly face.

You better think real hard
about this, Harris.

Don't touch me with those
nasty circus things!

That's it!

Thanks.
You're okay?

Yeah.

Xander?
Have you seen Xander?

Has anyone seen Xander?

Well, I saw him go into the
trophy room with that guy.

You... you were talking to
Xander right before he left.

What did he say to you?
What did you say to him?

It really doesn't matter now,
does it? It's done.

What's done?

Did you... if you said
something to make him leave...

You'll what?

Haven't changed a bit.
Still as vindictive as ever.

Do I know you?

You don't recognize me,
Anya?

I'm not the man
I used to be, I know.

Guys!
Would you break it up?

Xander.

Where is he? You tell me, old man.
You tell me why he left.

He left because of you.

I didn't do anything.
Oh, really?

What about this?

Tell me what you did with Xander.
What are you?

You did this.
You brought this on.

I've waited a long time
for this, anyanka.

Who are you?

Remember Chicago,
south side,

1914?

Stewart burns,
philanderer.

You'd think you'd remember.
I remembered you.

But then again,
you ruined my life.

You were...
I punished you.

That's right. Some hussy I'd
been taking around summons you.

Next thing I know, I look like this, and
I'm being tortured in another dimension.

I forgot.
Well, I didn't!

- Anya!
- Every day I remembered.

And every day I thought
how I would somehow get here...

And ruin your life
like you ruined mine.

It didn't take much either. I scared off
your fiancé with a couple of phony visions.

Visions of what?

Your future, or his nightmare
vision of your future.

That's it? That's all you did?

Yeah. It was easy.
Look at that.

You're crying.
Oh, I like that.

Stop it.

Oh, cry, anyanka, cry.
I love to see you cry.

And now, I'd love
to see you scream!

Come any closer
and I'll kill her!

- Anya!
- Xander!

I'm so glad you're here.

It was all lies. What he
showed you, it wasn't true.

He just wanted
to break us up.

Doesn't matter now.

It's gonna be okay.

Excuse me.

It's dead.
Yup.

Is anyone else waiting
for it to go "poof"?

Maybe we can cover it
with flowers.

Look at this damage!

I'm not paying for this,
you freaks!

Stop calling us freaks!

Oh, no, no!
No, not again! No!

Stop it!

Everyone, sit down!

This wedding will go on,
so get back in your seats!

You know, it's bad luck
to see me in my dress.

Hey. It's okay.
It's all over now.

He's dead, and it was
just smoke and mirrors.

I know.

So... we're ready now.

Let's get married.
I... i...

I'm not.

I'm not ready.

I can't, an. I'm sorry.

But it was...
It wasn't real.

What he showed you,
it wasn't real.

I know it wasn't real,

but it could be.

Well... what was it?
Was it about me?

'Cause he wanted you
to hate me, Xander.

It wasn't you.

It wasn't you I was hating.

I had these thoughts
and fears before this.

Maybe we just
went too fast.

Look, everybody
has thoughts.

It's natural. It doesn't mean
that getting married is wrong.

I know. I know.
Look, you're just shaken up.

Okay?

You just calm down,
and we'll start over, okay?

We can't start over.

If this is a mistake,
it's forever.

And I don't want
to hurt you.

Not that way.

I'm sorry.

But...
I am so sorry.

♪♪

Should we do something
for her? Anything?

She wants to be alone.

That's what she wants.

Oh, god, it just hurts
my heart to think of her.

I know.

The whole thing
hurts my heart.

I thought they were happy.

They were.

I know they were.

They were supposed to be my
light at the end of the tunnel.

I guess they were a train.

Why did this happen?

I don't know.

I feel like I should
be hating Xander,

but I can't.

I just...

I just hope he's okay.

I wonder where he is.

Not much to explain.

Air conditioner's busted.

That's it.
Checkout's at 11:00.

Are you okay?

I'm tired... of crying.

I'm just so tired,
d'hoffryn.

Oh, anyanka,

I'm sorry,

but you let him
domesticate you.

When you were a vengeance
demon, you were powerful.

At the top of your game,
you crushed men like him.

It's time you got back
to what you do best.

Don't you think?

Grr! Arrgh!