Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Replacement - full transcript

Previously on
Buffy the vampire slayer.

Nobody knows who I am.
Not the real me.

No one understands.

No one has an older sister
who's a slayer.

I know it's always been this way.
She's the baby.

But for some reason lately
it's just really getting to me.

Well, yeah.
You're like her idol, Buffy.

What do you think
you're doing?

Leave me alone.

I will, after you come back
inside the house. Let go of me!

No, it's not safe
out here.



Anya!

This head wound looks bad. I'm
gonna get her to a hospital.

I wish I had something
food-like to offer you guys,

but the hot plate's out of commission.
We think the cat peed on it.

- Aah! Oh!
- I do have spaghettios.

Set 'em on top of the dryer, and you're a
fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness.

Yeah. I had dryer food
for lunch.

Huh. Guess the folks
are back.

No, no. I was wrong.
Just incompetent burglars.

Like... like I'm gonna listen
to your friends sober?

You are such a pig!

Oh, all right with me.
Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, maybe it's definitely time
to start looking for a new place.

Something a little nicer.
Buffy, you've been to hell.



They had one-bedrooms, right?

Hey, Buffy, how's that book? Full
of zippy dates and zesty names?

I'm fine.

Hey! I'm enjoying the studying.
Who are you lately?

Give it up
and watch the movie.

I guess it has been
a long day with the crusades.

I could take a little break from the
violence for some... oh, fighting.

If you really want,
we can fight you as well.

Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our
most valuable Chinese import.

Much more durable
than their hot plates.

Here.

Just relax.
Mmm.

Mmm, that feels good.

Ow!

What are you doing?
I have a dislocated shoulder!

I'm trying to concentrate
on the kicking movie.

Hey.
Rubbing went away.

Oh. Sorry, I... Got
caught up in the action.

Yeah.
It's pretty good.

Oh, give me a break! Uh!

This is all wrong. See, first
you would get the big guy,

like, a flying kick, then you would take
out all the little ones... bam, bam.

See? Now with the flying kick. From a dead
stop. What's powering it? Raw enthusiasm?

Hey, buff, maybe you oughta leave
the work behind sometimes.

You're not always
on slayer duty, you know?

It would drive you crazy if we
were watching an army movie...

And they were all
saluting backwards...

And invading
all Willy-nilly.

Gonna run away, huh? Yeah,
'cause that's what you do best!

Anyway, I mean, you know, you can't
blame me for being critical.

Willow's the same way when we watch a
movie about witches, right, Xander?

What?

Oh, yeah. She's all, like, "what's that?
A cauldron?"

Who uses a cauldron
anymore?"

The last step
of my forging is my pain...

The price with which
I purchase,

the death of the slayer.

Aah!

If you get the apartment,
this'll be your hallway.

We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say,
"la, la, I'm on my way to Xander's."

Just warning you, Xander. I probably
won't be doing that. Really? I will.

Hey, we're just looking. Rent's way high,
so don't get your hopes all carbonated.

But you have references.

No, I have Albert, which is me
doing an important voice.

Xander Harris?
An excellent tenant...

And a very
nice-looking fellow.

Oh... big!

It's nice...
And not subterranean.

It's very
above-terranean.

I want it. Pay anything.

Xander Harris?
Uh, no. Riley Finn.

This is Xander.

Hey.
Ah.

I brought my friends.
I see.

They wouldn't always be around.
But we're clean and quiet.

We can have the Scooby
meetings in the living room,

and Giles can explain
the boring things over there.

Oh! There's a microwave!

It would be like having
hot and cold running popcorn.

Phone and electricity
are hooked up.

There's a private balcony,
ceiling fan, closet space...

And that's the bedroom.

Guys, you can't
save it for the bedroom?

Okay. Good point.

I brought an application
for you to fill out.

An application? I can't just...
Tell you my references?

Because there's Albert. We run your
credit check based on the application.

Oh! Credit check.

- Little check on the credit.
- See how credible my checks are.

And we'll be asking for first, last,
security and a small cleaning deposit.

The total's at the bottom
of the sheet there.

He'll take it. Xander, go get
the furniture. I'll wait here.

He's been living in his
drunken parents' basement,

where something
urinated on the hot plate.

Uh... can we...

Talk quietly
over there?

Excuse us.

Uh, we, um...

Uh, we like the ceiling fan.
Yes.

It's very, you know,
kind of "old south."

But without the unpleasant
slavery associations.

But why can't we have it?
I told you.

My construction job is ending, and I
won't have any more money coming in.

And by the way, you do
have your own place.

So when I wanna visit you, I have
to be in that awful basement?

Not forever. Just until things come
together. Which is when, Xander?

'Cause right now, things are
looking pretty un-together,

and you can't expect me
just to wait around for...

Quiet, please.
Anya, what is this?

What's going on with you?
What's going on with me...

Is my arm hurts, and I'm tired,
and I don't really feel like...

Taking a tour of beautiful
things that I can't have.

I guess I'll just start
on that application.

I think you'll like it. I've been
told I have lovely penmanship.

"Miscellaneous curses."

Brilliant.

Be lucky if I don't curse my
hands off at the wrist. Oh!

The slayer
is not here.

Rabbit's foot.
No, wait.

That is
a fertility god.

Feeble man. You are not
likely to strike... uhh!

You are not the slayer.

You do not concern me.

Ohh.

Like this... And this... and this.
That thing's pretty heavy.

That's oofdar.

Goddess of childbirth. She's
got some nice heft to her.

Yeah.
How badly did you hurt him?

Well, hurt, um...
Maybe not hurt.

Well, I-I'm sure
he was startled.

Uh, yes, yes. I'd imagine
it gave him rather a turn.

He ran away, huh?
Um... sort of more, uh...

Turned and swept out
majestically, I suppose.

He said I didn't
concern him.

So a mythic triumph over a
completely indifferent foe.

Well, I'm not dead or unconscious,
so I say bravo for me.

Some good demons in this one.
See if your guy's in here.

So you bought the magic shop, and
you were attacked before it opened.

Who's up for a swingin' chorus of
the "we told you so" symphony?

Owning this place
does seem kind of dangerous.

Toth.
What?

He called you a toth. It's a British
expression. It means, like, moron.

No. Toth is the name
of the demon.

Be careful with that.

Ancient demon. Very strong. Last
survivor of the Tothric clan.

It also says that for a demon,
he's unusually sophisticated.

Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's
fashions with him before I chop his head off?

They're referring to the fact that
he does not fight barehanded.

He uses tools, devices. Oh, he's
also supposed to be very focused.

And since he mentioned the slayer,
I think we know what the focus is.

He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find
him, and how hard can I kill him?

Well, there's no mention of the types
of places he might frequent, but...

I have an idea.

He had a very specific
olfactory presence.

Well, I guess we're off to the old factory.
I hate that place.

I'm joking. I know what it means.
He smelled. Right?

Some demon rituals
involve anointing with oils.

Was it sort of sandalwoody?

Um... not even remotely.
But he was very, um...

Distinctive.

The city dump, where smells go
to relax and be themselves.

People say they're recycling.
They're not recycling.

I found a spell so you
can't smell anything,

but it does it by taking
your nose off, so, no.

What are you doing here,
spike?

Oh, there's a nice lady vampire
who set up a charming tearoom...

Over the next pile
of crap.

What do you think I'm doing?
I'm scavenging, ain't I?

- Very pretty.
- Spike, um,

we're looking for a demon, um...
Tall, robed,

skin sort of hanging
off, deep voice.

You mean a great, tall
robey thing like that one?

Take cover!
Big guy! Kick her ass!

Oh, very nice!
I was on your side!

- Watch out!
- Uhh!

Hey, you okay?

Buffy, he's gone.

I'm fine.
Easy. Easy.

He disappeared.

That had to hurt.
Yeah, yeah.

Take it slowly.

Anya... Are you trying to
use the hot plate again?

Uh-oh.

Anya? An?

Oh!

Oh, my god!

What? No way! Who is...

Me? What am I doin'
in there? Buffy.

Need Buffy. Huh!

No, it ate my quarter.
Uh-huh.

But, see, I'm sort of having
this aggressively bad day.

Ooh! I found a quarter.
I found a quarter.

Well, ma'am, for me, it is
worth getting excited about.

Come on, Buffy.

Hello?

They hung up.

Well, if this guy
wants to fight with weapons,

I've got it covered from
"a" to "z"... from ax to...

Zee other ax.

Relax.

Another day,
another demon.

Right.
It'll be good.

Hey...

My friend Sharon's older brother
knows a girl who died...

'Cause she choked
on her boyfriend's tongue.

Go away, dawn.
I'm not in your room.

I'm in the hallway. The hallway
doesn't belong to you.

Get out of here.

Mom, I can stand
in the hallway, right?

She's watching us
like a big freak!

Uh! This must be my "two teenage
girls in the house" headache.

I thought it felt
familiar.

Good work, dawn.
You gave her a headache.

I did not. Did I give
you a headache, mom?

I'm sure part of it is Buffy's.
But part of it is dawn's.

It's so nice you've
learned to share.

You girls sort this out yourselves.
It's good for you.

She didn't say
I couldn't stand here. Hmm!

Ow!

Very posh.

Oh, slayer.

One of these days.

Hey, Harris. Harris!

Harris. Sorry. Yeah.

In my trailer, okay? I'm talking to all
the guys today. The job's winding down.

Right.
I'll be right there.

Welcome to payback,
Mr. evil-plan face-stealer.

You take my life? You get my
being fired absolutely free!

Harris.
Where's your hard hat?

Sit down.

How long you work here, Harris?
Huh? I'm not sure.

About three months?
I guess. Yeah.

And you haven't done much construction
work before this. Is that right?

I knew they were gonna
notice that!

I have to tell you,
that's surprising,

'cause your work here
has been first-rate.

We have another job lined up in
Carlton when you finish here.

You ever think about
staying on full-time?

What? Why isn't he
firing me... him?

I was thinking that I'd have you
head up our interior carpentry crew.

See how it goes. It's more
responsibility, but the pay is better.

That would be great.
A promotion? But i...

I mean, he didn't... doesn't
he see the shiny thing?

Congratulations, Harris. You and your
girl should go out and celebrate.

I already have
an idea how.

I was going to call
you, Mr. Harris,

let you know your credit
checked out fine,

but I really didn't
think you'd be back.

"Mr. Harris"?
Yeah, right.

I'm sure you'll
like the building.

I think someone said you're currently
in your parents' basement?

Right. There comes a point where
you either have to move on,

or just buy yourself a Klingon
costume and go with it.

Well...

I hope you'll be happy here, Mr.
Harris.

We're certainly happy to have you.
Thank you.

And if you need anything,

day or night,
please call me.

I, um... I'm leaving
my home number here.

She's coming on to him... me.

Call me...

Even for, you know,

non-business stuff.

Maybe we could,
uh, do something?

Please, lady.
That is so not me.

He's too clean for one thing, and
his socks are all matchy, and...

Remember... anytime.

Anya, you there?

Look, I know you're still mad, but I
figure you're probably sittin' there...

Pretending you're not home but
listening anyway. Am not.

Look, I have something to show you.
Meet me at the apartment.

You know the one. 9:00.

Yaaah!

- Won't let you do this!
- What's going on out there?

You can't do this to me!

Oh, man.
I need Buffy.

No, no. He looked
exactly like me.

It stole my face. We have to
find it, and we have to kill it.

She sees it's not me.

Please, Buffy.
Resist his spell.

Do this for me.

Don't worry, Xander.
Whatever stole your face,

it has to deal with
the slayer now.

Don't be scared, wil. Just listen.
It's me, Xander.

And I can prove it.
Um... okay.

Let's see. Stuff only
you and me know.

Okay! On my seventh birthday,
I wanted a toy fire truck,

and I didn't get it, and you
were real nice about it,

and then the house next door burnt
down, and then real fire trucks came,

and for years I thought
you set the fire for me.

And if you did,
you can tell me.

For a while last year, I thought
I was lactose intolerant,

but it was just
some bad brie.

Oh! Every Christmas we watch
Charlie brown together,

and I do the snoopy dance.

Xander, stop dancing.

Aha! You called me Xander!

Xander, shut up. Why wouldn't
I think you were Xander?

Oh. Huh.

What's goin' on?

Okay. I woke up
in the dump this morning.

Xander, the basement
isn't a dump.

It-it's more like
a really nice hovel.

No. The dump.
The city dump.

I got hit last night. Fall down, boom.
Woke up this morning.

Uh-uh. We walked you home
last night, remember?

You walked?

Wil... did I do
anything weird?

Did I wave any
shiny things around?

Shiny things.
What are you talking about?

Last night.
That wasn't me.

There's a double
out there.

Some... thing
has stolen my face,

and it's going around pretending to
be me, and it's hypnotizing people.

It even got to Buffy
and Giles and Riley.

It's over there right now,
and they have no idea.

What's intriguing me is that
there are a number of demons...

With the ability
to mimic a simple form,

but, uh... this sounds
like more than that.

Hold up. Do we really have
to figure out what it is?

Let's just go kill it. Yeah.
When the imposter's killed,

the body'll probably turn back into
whatever it really is, and then we'll know.

Toth. The demon with
the creepy stick thing.

Toth.
It's gotta be.

He hit Xander with that blast, and somehow
it allowed him to take Xander's form.

Couldn't that be what the
creepy stick thing did?

Yes. I suppose.
Yes. Yes, it makes sense.

A shape-shifting device. It does
make sense. It must be toth.

It's a robot. It's an evil robot
constructed from evil parts...

That look like me,
designed to do evil.

Uh-huh.
Or it's toth.

Or... it's toth!

I was gonna look
for toth anyway.

Guess now I start
looking for you.

Should I go with you? I told
Anya to meet me at my new place.

I'd feel a whole lot better knowing
she's safe from this creep.

Go be with her. I mean, if you were out
there looking for the double too...

Let's just say that I wouldn't wanna
run into you and kill the wrong one.

Good thinking. When you kill this
thing, you'd better make sure...

You got the one who's
actually... a demon.

A demon has taken
my life from me,

and he's living it
better than I do.

Uh... well,
we're working on it.

There has to be a way to get
to Buffy to un-hypnotize her.

I'll find a spell
to snap her out of it.

Right. Whatever.

Xander, you sound a little...

You have to help me
figure this out, you know.

But I never help. I get in
trouble, and Buffy saves me.

That's not true. Sometimes
we all help to save you.

And sometimes
you're not in trouble.

I'm just... Another
great humiliation.

And this time,
it's even worse.

This demon, he's, like, taking my
life, and everyone's treating him...

Everyone's treating
him like a grown-up.

Wil, I'm starting to
feel like... like what?

Like... he's doing
everything better.

He's smarter, and...

I don't know. Maybe I should
just let him have it.

Take my life, please.
Xander, no!

You're just tired
and all soggy.

That's why it seems so hard, but you can't
let him just take your whole existence.

Why not? It's not like I was
doing anything so great with it.

Hen I get to he pearly gates,
'm sure the guy's not gonna go,

"hey, what a kick-ass comic
book collection. Come on in!"

What have I got
that's even worth...

Anya.

You think he's after her?
She won't know. He can just...

No. No way!

No way. He can take anything, but
he can't have her! I need her!

Really? He could be
with her right now.

Figure out a spell,
something... "Revealy."

I gotta find her.
Xander,

you already knew he was
taking over your life,

and you didn't think about
Anya till just now?

Hey, wait till you have an evil twin.
See how you handle it.

I handled it fine.

Anya? An?

Meet me at the apartment.
You know the one. 9:00.

It's gotta be here.
Where is it?

You're lying.
It's a trick.

No. Trust me.

You really got this apartment?
I really did.

And do you know why?

The ceiling fans?
They're very attractive.

No. It's because
I knew you wanted it.

It's all for you.

Anya, you didn't see me today, did you?
I mean, we didn't talk?

What do you mean? I just got
your phone message. That's all.

Good.

So...

What happens next?

Well, at some point,
we take off our clothes.

I mean, what happens
next in our lives?

When do we get a car?
A car?

And a boat. No, wait.
I don't mean a boat.

I mean, a puppy or a child.
I have a list somewhere.

What are you talking about?
Just, we have to get going.

I don't have time just to
let these things happen.

There's no hurry.
Yes, there is!

There's a hurry, Xander.

I'm dying.

I may have as few
as 50 years left.

Fifty years?
What is this?

Oh, wait a minute.
This is about this.

What about the sling?

You haven't been hurt like
this since you became human.

Maybe it's finally hitting
you what being human means.

No. That's not it.
Yes. I think it is.

You were gonna live for
thousands of years.

And now you're gonna
age and die.

That must be terrifying.

You don't understand
what it's like.

Being suddenly human?

I think I can get
what that would be like.

And we can get
through it together.

You can't make it any different.
I'm going to get old.

And you can't promise you'll be with me when
I'm wrinkly and my teeth are artificial...

And stuck into my wrinkly mouth
with an adhesive.

No, I can't
promise that.

But it doesn't sound terrible,
and that's saying something.

I promise you, Anya.

Very soon, you won't be
thinking about getting older.

Get away from her!
Xander!

Xander?
Get out.

You don't belong here.
Anya, it's me.

It's a demon.

He stole my face. He's
trying to trick you.

Anya, you know I'm me, right?
No!

What is it?
Make it go away.

So you're thinking we split up?
Yeah.

You check the places where he might
try and go and blend in as Xander.

I'll check the places where
toth might hang out.

I swear, this time
I know I had that locked.

Buffy, toth looks like Xander. We
already know. We're on our way.

Wait a second. How did
you know about this?

He came to me.
I mean, Xander did.

And he's in terrible shape.
We need to help him.

He came to us too.

No. We each had a Xander. I
mean, you didn't have a Xander.

You had a demon
in a Xander suit.

What makes you so sure
that yours is the right one?

He knew stuff. He did the snoopy dance.
Buffy, it was Xander, and he needs us.

- Oh, dear lord.
- Buffy,

our Xander...
Did he seem a little...

He seemed kind of forceful and confident.
That's not Xander.

I said, "oh, dear lord."
You always say that.

Well, it's always important.

Neither Xander is a demon.

Um... is one of them a robot?
What? No.

Um, the rod device, it's
called a ferula gemina.

It splits one person into half, distilling
personality traits into two separate bodies.

As near as I can tell, toth was attempting to
split the slayer into two different entities.

Two Buffies?

Yes. One with all the qualities
inherent in Buffy summers.

The other with everything that
belongs to the slayer alone...

The strength, the speed, the
heritage... and when it hit Xander,

I think it separated him into his
strongest points and his weakest.

But which one's the real one? They're
both real. They're both Xander.

Neither one of them is evil. There's
nothing in either of them...

That our Xander
didn't already possess.

I still don't get the original plan.
I mean, why do it?

The slayer half would be like slayer
concentrate... pretty un-killable.

But the two halves
can't exist without each other.

Kill the weaker Buffy half,
and the slayer half dies.

So the same goes
for the Xanders.

We lose one.
We lose them both.

He's the demon! Or possibly a robot.
Look at me.

Look in my eyes.
Can't you see it's me?

I-I don't know.

Please... look at him!
Listen to him!

He's all smooth.

You have to know it's me!
Don't worry, Anya.

I'll get rid
of this thing.

I'm thinking this is gonna
last about 15 seconds.

I'm thinking less.

No, don't shoot him!

Can't this thing
go any faster?

Ultimate driving machine,
my ass.

We're pushing 70.

Riley, do you wish...
No.

No? You don't even know
what I was gonna say.

Yes, I do. Um... You wanted to
know if I wished you got hit...

By the ferula gemina,
got split in two.

Well, you have been kind of rankly
about the whole slayer gig.

Instead of having slayer-Buffy,
you could have Buffy-Buffy.

I have Buffy-Buffy.

Being the slayer's part of who you are.
You keep thinking I don't get that, but...

It's just... I know how
un-fun it can be...

The bad hours, frequent
bruising, cranky monsters.

Buffy...

If you led a perfectly
normal life,

you wouldn't be half
as crazy as you are.

I gotta have that. I gotta have it all.
We're talkin' toes, elbows,

the whole "bad ice-skating
movie" obsession, everything.

There's no part of you
I'm not in love with.

Oh, we better
get there soon.

If Xander kills himself,
he's dead.

You know what I mean.

Let go! I have to
kill the demon-bot!

Ow!

Anya... get out of the way.

Xander! It's all right, Buffy.
I have him.

No, Buffy! I'm me!
Help me!

My gun.
He's got my gun.

You own a gun?

Xander... gun-holding
Xander... give it to me.

Buffy, which one's real?
I am.

No, I am.

Thank you.

Uh! Ow!

Wild.
Yeah.

Okay, Xander... ses.

You've been split in two. But you're both
Xander, and you can't kill each other.

I mean, well, you could,
but it would be really bad.

No way.
He can't be me.

He's all fancy.

We can prove you're both Xander.
Yeah! How?

Um...
Ell, there has to be a way.

What number am I thinking of? I
don't think that's gonna do it.

Eleven and a half.
Wrong. Oh! But see?

No. We're not the same.
We're all different.

Different properties went into each
of you, but you're both Xander.

Different properties?
What different properties?

Uh... uh, you know.

Uh... sense of direction. Good
night-vision. Stuff like that.

Oh, but he has
a thing in his pocket.

A shiny disk that stuns and disorients.
What disk?

Cover your eyes!
This?

It'll melt your brain!

Look.

It's a nickel someone flattened
on the railroad track.

I found it on the construction site.
I thought it was cool.

It's not magic.
No, i...

Huh.

It is kinda cool. Washington's
still there, but he's all smushy.

- And he may be Jefferson.
- Okay.

Isn't anyone gonna tell me
why there are two Xanders?

I will on the way to giles's.
Let's go.

Oh, great. Rod boy.

I will not miss again,
slayer.

The gun! Pick up
the little gun pieces!

Hey, I just made a small
cleaning deposit!

Sword.

Aah!

Oh, yeah.
That cleaning deposit's gone.

I was thinking
the same thing!

Hey, do you suppose
we're both Xander?

Look and admire, ladies.

Look, there's a scar there, and
there's the same one right there.

It's all doubled.

This zit, and this...
Kinda funny dippy thing.

And this weird little hair
that grows in the wrong way.

Okay! Back off, ladies.

Psychologically,
this is fascinating.

Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in
separate rooms and do experiments on them?

Just me then.

So, um, you Xanders really do have all
the same memories, all the same...

Physical attributes?

We're completely
identical.

Yeah. We checked out some stuff
in the car on the way over.

Fingerprints.

Well, maybe we shouldn't do this
reintegration thing right away.

See, I can take the boys home, and, you
know, we can all have sex together,

and then, you know, just slap 'em
back together in the morning.

She's joking.
No, she's not!

She entirely wants to have sex with
us together, which is... wrong,

and... and it would
be very confusing.

We just need
to arrange the candles.

Also, we should continue to pretend we
heard none of the disturbing sex talk.

Check.
Candles and pretense.

It's not like it'd be cheating. They're
both Xander. Now, hold on a sec.

If you weren't putting a whammy on people
with the shiny thing, how'd you do it?

How'd you get the promotion?
Well, I'm good at that stuff.

I am?
Yeah.

And, hey, how 'bout that lady, huh?
The apartment manager.

How weird was it when she
called me "Mr."? Yeah!

We're ready.
We should do it now.

- Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?
- Kill us both, Spock!

They're kinda the same now.

Yes, he's clearly
a bad influence on himself.

Hey, summon the goddess. Chant the chant.
Let's do it.

Actually, it's not that hard. Your
natural state is to be together.

Toth's spell is doing all the
work of keeping you apart.

I just have to break it.
So you two...

Stand right here.

Side by side. We don't want you to
end up with two fronts, now do we?

Are you sure you know
how to do this?

Here we go.
Brace yourselves.

Let the spell be ended.

You gotta be kidding.

"Let the spell be ended."
That's not gonna work.

Oh.

I liked it the other way.
Put him back.

Getting nostalgic?

I don't know.
At first, it's just a place.

Then you start
to make memories,

and then you're like,
that's where spike slept,

and there, that's where Anya and
I drowned the sepavro demon.

Oh! And right there, that's where
I got my heart all ripped out.

I really hate
this place.

Anya. Ohh! I see you've joined
the not-sling-wearing crowd.

Yes. I'm feeling better. And I
anticipate many years before my death...

Excepting disease
or air-bag failure.

That sounds nice.

Oh! Presents?

Not unless you want my collection
of Babylon 5 commemorative plates,

which you cannot have.

I just thought you could
help carry a little.

Me?
Buffy has super strength.

Why don't we just load her up
like one of those little horses?

Anya. Please.

Fine.
I'm just your slave.

How is it that she can always make me
feel suave Xander's left the building?

You two have your friction, but
she digs the whole package.

It's obvious. Still, I
do envy you sometimes.

I mean, for the sanity.

Not that I'm still into Buffy.
Not that I ever was.

Hey, I'm well aware
of how lucky I am...

Like, lottery lucky.

Buffy's like nobody else
in the world.

When I'm with her, it's like...
it's like I'm split in two.

Half of me is just
on fire,

going crazy
if I'm not touching her.

The other half
is so still and peaceful,

just perfectly content.

Just knows,
this is the one.

But she doesn't love me.

You got something else
for me to carry?

Uh, you can help me pack this.
Sure.

Mmm. Sure.

Grr! Arrgh!