Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 5, Episode 18 - Intervention - full transcript

Previously on
Buffy, the vampire slayer.

Did you know your sister took my key,
dawnie? And she won't give it back.

I bet you know
where she put it, don't you?

"They had to be certain the slayer
would protect it with her life.

So they sent the key to her
in the form of a sister."

I won't help her find the key.

I would never do that
to an innocent.

- An innocent?
- It's not a person.

- What about the key?
- He indicated that it was a person.

Oh, god, no.

I love you.



The only chance you had with me
was when I was unconscious.

You are not my boyfriend!

- I kinda got the impression that she was a...
- robot.

- Yeah, robot.
- She's a robot.

I made her to love me. I didn't make a toy.
I made a girlfriend.

- I'm placing an order.
- No, I'm not making any more girls.

Sure you are.
Here's your specs.

Mom?

What are you doin'?

Mommy?

We commend to almighty god
our sister, Joyce summers.

- But it's tomorrow that I'm worried about.
- What's tomorrow?

That's exactly
what I don't know.

Giles, you don't have to help.
You cooked.



Oh, come on.
I quite like to cook.

Helping you two out
makes me feel useful.

Wanna clean out the garage on Saturday?
You could feel indispensable.

Hmm. How tempting.

Dawn, if there are any plates in
your room, let's have them...

Before they get furry,
and we have to name them.

Hey, I was, like,
five then.

How is she doing?

And you?

I'm okay.

Well, some minutes
are harder than others.

I'm so sorry.

All I can say is
it will get better.

It has to.

We're holding up, though, you
know, getting into a routine.

Good.
Routine's good.

In fact, I was thinking that we might
return to our training schedule.

I don't know.

I was, um,
thinking about...

Maybe taking a break
or something.

Just ease off for a while,
not get into full slay mode.

You were doing so well.

And-and you were great,
helping me with everything.

I'm just starting
to feel uneasy about stuff.

Stuff?

Training, slaying.
All of it.

It's just...

I mean, I can beat up the demons
until the cows come home,

and then I can
beat up the cows.

But I'm not sure I like
what it's doing to me.

But you've mastered so much.

I mean, your strength and
resilience alone... yeah.

Strength, resilience.

Those are all words
for hardness.

I'm starting to feel
like being the slayer...

Is turning me
into stone.

Turning you into stone?
Buffy... just...

Think about it.

I was never there for Riley,
not like I was for angel.

I was terrible to dawn.

- At a time like this...
- No.

You're bound to feel
emotionally numb.

Before that.

Riley left because
I was shut down.

He's gone.

And now my mom is gone.

And I loved her
more than anything,

and... I don't know
if she knew.

Oh, she knew.

Always.
I don't know.

To slay, to kill...

It means being hard
on the inside.

Maybe being the perfect slayer means
being too hard to love at all.

I already feel like
I can hardly say the words.

Buffy...
Giles...

I love you.

Love, love,
love, love, love...

Giles, it feels strange.
Well, I shouldn't wonder.

How serious are you
about this?

Ten.

I'm serious to
the amount of 10.

There is something...
In the watchers' diaries.

A quest.

A quest? Like finding
a grail or something?

Not a grail.
Maybe answers.

It would take a day,
perhaps two.

I'm not leaving dawn, not
with glory looking for her.

Sure you can.
What's the deal?

Some slayers before Buffy found it
helpful in regaining their focus,

in learning more
about their role.

There's a sacred place in the desert.
It's not far.

But I can't go.

I'm not leaving you,
dawn.

If you have to go learn...

I mean, if it'll help you out,
I think you should do it.

I can hang with the gang.
I'll be okay.

I love you, dawn.
You know that, right?

Yeah.
I love you too.

I love you,
really love you.

Gettin' weird.

Sorry. But it's important
that I tell you.

Weird love's better
than no love.

Some say it's better
than the real thing.

Better than
the real thing.

She looks good,
but what about the rest?

A little walk,
a little talk,

perhaps a zippy cartwheel.

Hey, she's, uh, great.

You'll be real happy, I swear. She's
got everything you asked for...

All the extra programming,
tons of real-world knowledge,

the profiles you gave me
about her family and friends.

All the extra programming,
right?

Uh, the stuff that you wanted,
the scenario responses...

You know, the, uh...
Uh, special skills.

All of it. Now, you said
that I could leave town...

Wait. I'm not sure
I'm a satisfied customer.

She looks a little
shiny to me, you know?

- A touch of plasticine.
- Spike?

Oh, spike!

She'll do.

He's getting stronger.

I'm losing him.
I'm losing control of him.

You are speaking of Ben, most
glamorous yet tasteful one?

He stabbed you in your body.

Jinx is all right,
your highness,

and we do have the new knowledge
that the key is a human being.

If time runs out on us
and all we're left with is info,

then we're screwed.

- Oh, surely not.
- No. We're screwed.

But you're a god.
The sacred glorificus.

I'm a god in exile,

far from the hellfires
of home...

And sharing my body
with an enemy...

That stabs my boys in
their fleshy little stomachs.

I'm in pain.

How can we help?
We'll lay down our lives.

The slayer and the key
are connected.

She's going to have
contact with it.

Find out who's new
in her life,

who's... special,
who's different.

Watch her.

We can do that,
o... thou.

I want to hear
about everyone...

She has contact with.

That girl has my key,

and I'm trusting you boys
to get it for me.

If you love me,

get it for me.

What's in the trunk?
Supplies.

Supplies? I was
wondering about that.

Like food, water,
maybe a compass?

What about a book, a gourd
and a bunch of twigs?

I don't think
I'll be that hungry.

They're for me.
Come on. This way.

You see, the location of the
sacred place is a guarded secret.

I can't take you there
myself.

I'll have to perform a ritual to transfer
my guardianship of you, temporarily,

to a... to a guide.

This'll do.

A guide,
but no food or water?

So it leads me to a sacred
place, and then a week later...

It leads you to my bleached bones?
Buffy, please.

It takes more than a week
to bleach bones.

So, how's it start?

I, uh,

jump out of the circle,
then I jump back in it,

and then, um,

I shake my gourd.

I know this ritual! The ancient
shamans were next called upon...

To do the "hokey pokey"
and turn themselves around.

Go quest.

And that's what
it's all about.

What you searching for,
slayer, a weak spot?

Hmm? Try me.
Give me the best you've got.

Is that your best,
slayer?

No.
Why not?

I want to hurt you, but I can't
resist the sinister attraction...

Of your cold
and muscular body.

Maybe I should repay you
for your gentleness.

Maybe I should let you go.
No! No, spike.

Never let me go.

You know you should be afraid of me.
I'm bad.

You are.
You're very, very bad.

- Are you gonna do it that way?
- No.

- This way.
- You can't do it.

I could never do it. I'm
helpless against you, you fiend.

Oh!

Buffy.

Hello, kitty.

I know this place.

Okay, warning spell's
all set.

So that's it? We're all
protected-up for the night?

Well, it's probably not
as good as Willow could do.

She's a natural with magic. In
just the time I've known her,

she's already blown
right past me.

So when the whiz kid
gets back from chem lab,

can you have her, you know,
bulk up the spell a little...

If you want, maybe, while Anya
and I go do a quick patrol?

I don't see why we have to
patrol just 'cause Buffy's away.

I mean, I'd rather stay
home and watch television.

Yeah, Willow wants to watch this thing
on the history channel tonight.

Salem witch trial stuff, which
is only gonna get her all upset.

I was there.
It really wasn't that bad.

See, if you were really a witch,
you could do a spell to escape.

So, really, it was only bad
for the falsely accused,

and, well, they never
have a good time. No.

So, guys,

if this is a real slumber
party, where's the pizza?

You're evil.

And that excites you?

It excites me,
it terrifies me.

I try so hard
to resist you, and I can't.

Yeah?

Darn your
sinister attraction.

Are you afraid of me?

Yes.

You know
I can't bite you.

I think you can.

I think you can if I let
you, and I want to let you.

I want you to bite me and devour
me until there's no more.

Like this?

Oh, spike, devour me.

All right.
Spike, I can't help myself.

I love you.
You're mine, Buffy.

Should I start
this program over?

Shh! No programs.
Don't use that word.

Just be Buffy.

It's got last week's
notes too.

Just get it back to me by Thursday.
Sure.

And, uh,
don't write in it...

Or put a coffee mug down
on it or anything. Okay.

And don't spill. Okay.

Oh, and don't fold the
page corners down. Bye.

Bye.

Time to slay.

Yeah. Yeah.

Vampires of the world,
beware.

Hey, there.

Buffy.
Xander.

And... Anya.

- How is your money?
- Fine. Thank you for asking.

Isn't it a beautiful night
for killing evil things?

I guess.
You're back very early.

Yeah. How was the whole
vision-quest experience?

I don't understand that question,
but thank you for asking.

You're my friend
and a carpenter.

Are you all right?

- You're all...
- Hey! Wait up!

Spike!

It's spike,
and he's wearing a coat.

Yes. Uh...
Hello, all.

Uh, Buffy's back early,
I see.

Lots of patrolling all
around tonight, then, is it?

Ow! Hey! Give a fella
a break there, slayer.

I'm glad you're all here,
uh, 'cause, uh...

'cause the place is crawling
with vamps tonight.

Uh, tons of 'em.

- I think we oughta split up.
- We haven't seen any vamps.

Are you sure there's...

- You're right.
- Yep. Guess so.

Spike, be careful!

No. Get away from him.

I think that was probably
the big action for tonight.

You two can toddle
on home if you want.

Uh, Buffy?

Yes. Spike and I will do it alone.
You guys head home.

Hmm. I don't
understand this.

I did the slaying. I
should be... satisfied?

But I'm not.

I'm all...
My skin is all hot.

Do I look hot to you?
Always.

You better feel me
to make sure.

I can do that.

Oh.

I breathed in, like, a quart of
vampire dust. That can't be good.

I wish Giles told us they
were back from the desert.

I wish I knew
what went on there.

Oh, you know,
slayer-watcher stuff.

Probably some silly ritual with an
enchanted prairie dog or something.

Whatever it was, I think
she's still a little spacey.

She fought okay.
Yeah.

Hey, she never asked
about dawn.

That's true.
Something's wrong.

I hear something.
Shh.

Oh, spike,
you're the big bad.

You're the big bad.

Those darn Salem judges,

with their less-satanic-than-thou
attitudes.

Oh, honey,
let's change it.

The discovery channel
has koala bears.

Where's dawn? She's in the bedroom.
She fell asleep.

- Good.
- What's goin' on?

- Buffy's gone insane.
- What?

- What'd she do?
- Brace yourself.

You're not gonna believe it. Everyone,
before we jump all over her,

people do strange things
when someone they love dies.

When I lost my mother, I did
some pretty dumb stuff,

like lying to my family
and staying out all night.

Buffy's
boinking spike.

Oh. Well,
Tara-Tara's right.

Grief can be powerful,
and we shouldn't judge...

What, are you kidding?
She's nuts.

Well, it's not healthy. We're all
agreeing there. What can we do?

Sometimes in the movies, when
they go crazy, they slap 'em.

I'm gonna go find her
and talk to her.

If she's losing it, we gotta help
her before she gets herself hurt.

You aren't really
gonna slap her, are you?

No, but if I have to see her
straddle spike again,

I will definitely
knock myself unconscious.

Hello?
Who's there?

Who's that?
Don't know. Down there.

And no matter what, don't come
out till I get you, okay?

Okay.

Oh. It's you.

I saw you in the cemetery
with Buffy.

Yeah? I can't see how
it's any business of yours.

It is my business
because Buffy's my friend,

and she's gone through
some stuff lately that...

Well, it's affected her, and
you're taking advantage of her.

She's upset about
her mum. Mmm.

And if she turns to me for comfort,
well, I'm not gonna deny it to her.

- I'm not a monster.
- Yes, you are a monster.

Vampires are monsters. They
make monster movies about them.

Well, yeah,
you got me there.

Spike, Buffy has lots of friends,
and we love her very much...

And we'll do whatever
it takes to protect her.

Now, if that means
killing you,

then, well,
that's just a bonus.

Gentlemen,
I'm so sorry to intrude,

but I wondered if I might
beg a moment of your time.

Friends of yours?
Guess not.

Tie his hands. Miss glory
will want him restrained.

- Hey! Let me go!
- Careful with him.

- She will want the key intact.
- Key?

Who's a key?
I'm not the...

I know you.
You're the first slayer.

This is a form.
I am the guide.

I have a few questions
about being the slayer.

What about... love?

Not just boyfriend love.

You think you're losing
your ability to love.

I didn't say that.

Yeah. You're afraid that
being the slayer...

Means losing
your humanity.

- Does it?
- You are full of love.

You love with
all your soul.

It's brighter
than the fire,

blinding.

That's why you
pull away from it.

I'm full of love?
I'm not losing it?

Only if you reject it.

Love is pain, and the slayer
forges strength from pain.

Love, give, forgive.

Risk the pain.
It is your nature.

Love will bring you
to your gift.

What?

Spike?

I waited like you said,
but then I missed you.

Spike?

Xander, did you...

Spike's gone.
Buffy.

Uh, come in.
Shh! It's late.

Everyone's asleep.
Wait.

We can talk out here.

Did Xander find you?
He was looking for you.

He hasn't come back.
Anya sat up waiting.

I don't know where Xander is.
I haven't seen him.

And when I came out of the
tunnel, spike was gone.

I need to find him.

Um, Buffy,
this thing with spike,

it-it isn't true, is it?

You didn't, you know,
sleep with spike?

No. I had sex with spike.

I'm sorry if it bothers you.
You're my best friend.

I-I am, and i... i always will
be, no matter what you do.

I'm just trying to figure
out why this happened,

and I think with
your mom and everything,

everyone was being
all sympathetic...

And-and making you
feel weak,

and-and spike
wasn't like that.

So just this one time, you just
did something kinda crazy.

It wasn't one time. It was lots of
times and lots of different ways.

I could make sketches.
No!

Buffy, there is something
seriously wrong here.

I mean... well...

Okay, yeah, you've been
with a vampire before,

but angel had a soul.

Angel's lame. His hair grows
straight up, and he's bloody stupid.

Uh... okay.

Look, I just wanna help you.
Let me help you.

You're my best friend.

Yeah. Again,
I really am, but...

You're recently gay.

Um...

Guys! Guys, wake up.

Oh, Xander. Oh.
I was scared.

Are you hurt? What happened?
Guys.

- Demony kinds of guys. Buffy...
- yes? That's me.

The guys that work for glory, you said
they're kind of like hobbits with leprosy?

Well, this is a whole flock of
hobbits, and they just grabbed spike.

- I think they're taking him to glory.
- But he knows about dawn.

We have to get him back.

So how do we find him?

I fight with weapons.

Yeah. I got nothin'.

Let's hit your place.
We'll stock up.

Tara, can you stay here
and watch dawn?

Of course.

I'm sorry.
I'm just a little confused.

I'm full of love,
which is nice,

and love...

Will lead me to my gift?
Yes.

I'm getting a gift,

or do you mean that I have a
gift to give to someone else?

Death is your gift.

- Death...
- Is your gift.

Okay. No.
Death is not a gift.

My mother just died.
I know this.

If I have to kill demons...

Because it makes the world a
better place, then I kill demons.

But it's not a gift
to anybody.

Your question
has been answered.

What the hell is that, and
why is its hair that color?

Stunning one, we believe he is...
the key. The key.

Really?

That's fantabulous...
And impossible.

He can't be the key...

Because, see,
the key has to be pure.

This is a vampire.

Vampires equal impure.

Yeah, damn right.
I'm impure.

I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow.
Let me go.

You can't even brain-suck a vampire.
He's completely useless.

So I'm just gonna
let myself out.

But, your unholiness,
we observed the slayer.

She protected this one
above all others.

She treated him
as precious.

Really? Precious?

Let's take a peek
at you, precious.

Sod off.
Oh!

- He doesn't look very fancy to me.
- Hey, easy with the lip.

But if the slayer
protects him,

maybe appearances
are deceiving.

Maybe there's something
on the inside.

Shh! Shh!
What do you know, precious?

What can I dig
out of you?

This is my house. If we're gonna
stop spike from blabbin' about dawn,

we're gonna need these.

Ooh!
The big guns.

Only not guns.
Shouldn't we have guns?

Those are my weapons. Give
me something big and sharp.

Um, Buffy, where do we go? Where
should we look for glory?

She's a god.
She wants the key.

Yeah, so we
should look...

I don't know.
Why are you all looking at me?

Okay, buff. It's okay. You're right.
You shouldn't have to know everything.

- We need to rescue spike.
- Um, Buffy?

I think you have
more weapons upstairs.

Why don't you
go get those?

And maybe change your clothes, you know.
Something more... fighty.

I can do that.
I'll be right back.

Okay, this has gone way too far. She
thinks we're goin' to rescue spike.

What are we gonna do?

Find him. Keep him from
talking, whatever it takes.

- What do we do with glory?
- Whatever we do, we're gonna need Buffy's help.

Then we're gonna
have to talk to her.

- Intervention time again?
- Yeah.

- 'Cause what we need right now is a sane Buffy.
- Whoa. Group hang time?

That-that was quick.

Didn't seem like it to me.
Death is my gift.

Buffy, we need to talk.

What's wrong?
Is dawn okay?

- Dawn's fine.
- Buffy, we care about you, and we're worried about you.

- The way you're acting, the things you're doing...
- it's wrong.

Wait. This shouldn't be
about blame.

Blame? There's blame now?

No. There's only love
and... some fear.

We're just kinda thrown by the
you having sex with spike.

The who whating how
with huh?

Okay, that's denial. That
usually comes before anger.

- I am not having sex with spike!
- Anger.

No one is judging you.
It's understandable.

Spike is strong
and mysterious...

And sort of compact,
but well-muscled.

I am not having sex with spike, but I'm
starting to think that you might be.

Buffy, I saw you.
Anya too.

We saw you and spike
with the straddling.

Spike's mine.
Who's straddling spike?

- Oh, my god.
- And so say all of us.

Say, look at you.

You look just like me.
We're very pretty.

- Two of them.
- Hey, I know this.

- They're both Buffy.
- No. She's a robot.

She acts just like that
girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made.

You guys couldn't
tell me apart from a robot?

Oh, I don't think
I'm a robot.

She's very well done.

Spike must have had her built
so he could program her to...

- Oh, god.
- Yikes. Imagine the things...

- no! No imagining, any of you.
- I already got the visual.

People, friends of mine, you're
forgetting the most important thing.

Glory has spike,
and she's going to harm him.

Glory has spike?

We were gonna bring that up.
We were getting weapons.

Grab 'em.
We're going now.

I have to kill him.

We don't even know
where to look.

I know where to start.

I have a riddle
for you, precious.

How is a vampire that
won't talk like an apple?

Think I can do you in one long strip?
Enough.

No more.

I'll tell you
who the sodding key is.

Glory's key-sniffing snake was
about here when I killed it.

- It was headed back to her.
- Do you think she lives around here?

It's not a lot to go on.

- It's all we got.
- It's quite extraordinary, really.

Thank you. But I really think we should be
listening to the other Buffy, guy-iles.

She's very smart, and she's
gonna help us save spike.

Guy-iles? Spike didn't even bother
to program my name properly.

Listen, skirt girl, we are
not going to save him.

We're going to kill him.
He knows who the key is,

and there's no way
he's not telling glory.

You're right. He's evil.

But you should see him naked.
I mean, really.

Okay, guys, split up
and spread out.

Check the priciest-looking places first.
Xander, you come with me.

Willow, Anya, stick together. And,
guy-iles... Giles, you can watch it.

Is that better?

Do you think you can try
to talk again now? Good.

Because I'm tired
of these games!

"I need time. I need a drink." You're
a very needy little bloodsucker,

and it's not
very attractive.

So start talking.

Yeah, okay.

The key.

Here's the thing.

It's that guy... on TV.
What's-his-name.

On the television?

On that show,
the price show,

where they guess
what stuff costs.

The price is right?
Bob barker.

We will bring you
Bob barker.

We will bring you the limp and
beaten body of Bob barker.

It is not Bob barker,
you scabby morons!

The key is new
to this world,

and Bob barker
is as old as grit.

The vampire is lying to me.

Yeah. But it was fun.
And guess what, bitch?

I'm not telling you Jack.

You're never gonna get
your sodding key,

'cause you might be strong, but
in our world... You're an idiot.

I am a god.

The god of what,
bad home perms?

Shut up!
I command you shut up!

Yeah, okay. Sorry,
but I just had no idea...

That gods were such
prancing lightweights.

Mark my words.

The slayer
is going to kick...

Your skanky, lopsided ass...

Back to whatever place
would take...

A cheap, whorish,
fashion victim...

Ex-god like you.

Good plan, spike.

Bring him back.

Here!

Oh, god.

You do not insult glory
by escaping.

Slayer.

Buffy, we're here.

Spike!
Spike's in there!

Buffy!

The slayer was there.
A lethal fighter.

She seemed to be
everywhere at once.

She had friends with many weapons.
They may have been demons.

And where's my vampire?

- Is it weird?
- Oh, yeah.

At least it's not a very good copy.
I mean,

look at it.

Uh, yeah.

What did you guys
do with spike?

And please let the story
have a dusty ending.

We dumped him
back in his crypt.

Tried to find out if
he'd told her anything,

but he was too badly
beaten to make much sense.

Well, even if he told her, he'd just
lie to us about it anyway, right?

Yeah.
You can count on it.

But I have to know... now.

If he did give us up, dawn and
I need to get out of town.

- I mean, she could be on her way right now.
- But not to worry, you know.

I'm sure we'll all
be perfectly safe.

We're safe. Right.

And spike built a robot Buffy
to play checkers with.

It sounded convincing
when I thought it.

Hey, I think
I found something.

Looks very complicated
in there.

Personally, I'd rather
look at guts.

I found
where she's broken.

Some of these wires
got fried extra crispy.

It's an easy fix.

I mean,
not that I would.

God, I feel kind of bad
for the guy.

Gets all whupped, and his
best toy gets taken away.

Xander, please don't
be suggesting...

What I'd have to kill you
for suggesting.

No, no. Travesty.
Completely on board.

It's just...
The guy was so thrashed.

Spike, you're covered
in sexy wounds.

Yeah.

I feel real sexy.

Where you been?

I fell down
and got confused.

Willow fixed me.
She's gay.

Wil fixed you?

I thought they'd melt you
into scrap.

They were confused too. Do
you wanna ravage me now?

Give us a minute.
Got some bones need mending.

Why did you let
that glory hurt you?

She wanted to know
who the key was.

I can tell her, and
then you won't... no!

You can't ever.

- Glory never finds out.
- Why?

'Cause Buffy...

The other
not-so-pleasant Buffy...

Anything happened to dawn,
it'd destroy her.

I couldn't live,
her being in that much pain.

I'd let glory kill me first.

Nearly bloody did.

And my robot?

The robot is gone.

The robot was gross
and obscene.

It wasn't supposed to...
Don't.

That thing...
It wasn't even real.

What you did for me and
dawn... that was real.

I won't forget it.

Grr! Arrgh!