Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 4, Episode 5 - Beer Bad - full transcript

Parker Abrams. I'm at Kresky Hall.

Buffy Summers, Stevenson.

Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer":

- What are you doing?
- Making a choice.

- Parker, did I do something wrong?
- Didn't you have fun?

- Is that all it was?
- Well, what else was it supposed to be?

He's manipulative and shallow.
And why doesn't he want me?

Say "hi" to Non-College Guy.

Not that I mind, but don't non-college guys
usually populate the non-campus?

Townie, huh? You look so normal.

- Buffy?
- Parker?



Stay down.

Buffy.

Buffy. I don't know what to say.

After how I've treated you,
now I owe you my life.

- It's nothing.
- It's everything. You're everything.

And I'm gonna do whatever it takes
to get you to forgive me.

Do you think one day you might?

No.

These are the things we want. Simple things.

Comfort, sex, shelter, food.

We always want them
and we want them all the time.

The id doesn't learn, it doesn't grow up.

It has the ego telling it what it can't have

and it has the superego
telling it what it shouldn't want.



But the id works solely
out of the pleasure principle. It wants.

Whatever social skills we have,
however much we've evolved,

- the pleasure principle works in all of us.
- Really?

So, how does this conflict
with the ego manifest itself in the psyche?

What do we do when
we can't have what we want?

Buffy, I don't know what to say.

After how I've treated you,
and now I owe you my life.

Can you ever forgive me?

Rough day?

Come on, Buff, be a Ionely drunk.

- Rough day?
- Stop flicking at me.

Work with me here. I'm finally
an essential part of your collegey life.

No more looking down on the townie.

I'm the new bartender over at the pub.
Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face.

- Aren't you too young to be a bartender?
- Au contraire, mon fr?re.

- "Mon fr?re" means "brother".
- Mon girl fr?re. Behold.

I don't believe
this is entirely on the up and up.

- What gives it away?
- Looking at it.

Well, no one's gonna see it anyway.
Now I'm the bartender. I kick people out.

You know there's more to it
than wiping and kicking?

Mixing drinks, for instance?

I've seen Cocktail.
I can do the hippy hippy shake.

Even if I had a pretend cigarette,
I couldn't tell you my pretend problems.

Real ones have clogged up my head space.

Then unload 'em right here, baby.

Rough day? You wanna talk about it?

- Shutting up now.
- I'm pregnant by my stepbrother,

who'd rather be with my best friend,
and he's left me with no place to live,

no food - except for this bottle
of Wild Turkey which I drank all up.

That was me being tanked
and friendless for ya.

- Gets my Oscar nod.
- You know what? It's class time.

- Are you gonna come by tonight, to the pub?
- Oz. Bronze. Date.

You know, maybe...
maybe he's just having trouble dealing.

I mean, don't guys sometimes
keep the girls they really, really like

inside these deep little brain-fantasy
bubbles where everything's perfect?

- I mean, they do that, right?
- How's the fugue state coming along?

- Parker.
- Maybe I'm in his bubble,

and pretty soon, he'll realise
that he wants more than just Bubble Buffy

and he'll pop me out
and we'll go to dinner and...

It could happen, right?

Buffy, that is my best friend,
you need to think about not-Parker.

He's no good. There are men, better men,
wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.

Nothing can defeat the penis.

Too loud and very unseemly.

I mean, I'm sorry to be so coarse,
but I feel strongly about stinky Parker man.

He can be really sweet.

I think that he has intimacy problems
because of the death of his father.

Not interested. You got troubles,
tell 'em to the bartender.

The bartender's always ready to listen.

- What? What?
- For the last time, a pitcher of beer.

OK. And you had a rum and Coke,
and you had a Poker's Light.

And a vodka on the rocks.
And a water. Is that right?

- Do I have to write it down?
- A cold ale.

- A glass of iced water.
- A lager, a white wine

- and a daiquiri.
- A simple request.

Iced water. Do you want that on the rocks?

- Oh, Riley. So sorry.
- It's OK. You know, most people go around.

I'm not saying you can't tunnel through me,
but the other way is quicker.

In my defence, you do take up a lot of space.

I do. I'm ungainly.

You looking for someone?

I just saw Parker over there.

Right. Parker and his latest conquest. That
boy should have his attention span checked.

He's kind of a girl chaser, huh?

Sets 'em up and knocks 'em down.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but my father
says if you wanna be a gentleman, you...

don't even care what my father says.

I'm sorry. What?

Forget about it. You know, I've got some
people waiting. I'll see you in class, right?

- Rough day?
- No, it's been super.

We accepted Melody's pledge and
made her a sister of Beta Delta Gamma.

And our pins arrived today.
I designed it myself.

You are so sharp.

Hey, Paula. You keeping
this fine bartender from his duty?

- A man's gotta make a living.
- It's all right.

So the guys and l, we're celebrating...

I said it's all right. I'm due for a break.

So what were you discussing?
Maybe we can all join.

- Be nice.
- What?

- Forget it.
- No, no. I rudely interrupted.

It sounds like the two of you were having
quite the meeting of minds.

Debating the geopolitical ramifications
of bioengineering? You have a take on that?

I've got beer. You want some beer?

Yeah. A pitcher of Black Frost.

I think we have a perfect venue here
for conducting a little sociometry.

A bipolar continuum
of attraction and rejection.

Now, given your socioeconomic statuses,
I foresee a B rejects A dyad.

I'm sorry, let me clarify.

You see, we are the future of this country
and you keep the bowl of peanuts full.

We are what these girls want.
And four glasses.

How's about I see some ID?
You're not getting a drop until...

Just give him a beer.

Thanks.

Buffy?

Rough day?

Wanna tell me about it?

It's just Parker's problem with intimacy
turns out to be that he can't get enough of it.

And I knew it. I knew what he was.

If he were tied and gagged and left in a cave
that vampires happen to frequent,

it wouldn't really be like I killed him, really.

- Buffy.
- I'm a slut.

- No.
- Idiot.

No. You gotta stop being so hard on...

Sorry. So sorry.

I'm better. This has helped.

Do not go anywhere.

I am so sorry. I just...
I seem to be bumping into people today.

I can't imagine anybody minding.

You're not thinking of leaving, are you?

We have a very strict policy against you
leaving. At least until you've had a drink.

Yeah. What my friend's just saying is,
you shouldn't be sad and alone right now.

I mean, you're a very beautiful girl
who should be covered with men.

And could we be those men?

It's on us.

Hey. You got a table.

- I had to kill a man.
- Well, it's a really good table.

I copied out my notes for psych
since you were so elsewhere this morning.

- Thanks.
- It's really pretty simple stuff. You know...

- What's the matter?
- I don't know.

I feel...

It's nothing.

We could go back to your place.
I could make you soup.

No. That's OK, I'm fine. Thanks.

Do you know her?

Veruca? No. I know their drummer.
He's cool. I've never heard them play.

Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

What modern-day pundits fail to realise

is all the socioeconomic and psychological
problems inherent in modern society

can be solved by the judicious
application of way too much beer.

Black Frost is the only beer.

My mother always said beer is evil.

Evil, good. These are moral absolutes

that predate the fermentation
of malt and fine hops.

See...

- Wait, where was I?
- I'm really not sure.

- Well, Thomas Aquinas...
- No.

- There will be no Thomas Aquinas here.
- Keep your theology of Providence, fat boy.

- I was just drawing a parallel...
- Beer.

Had morality developed under the influence
of beer, there would be no good or evil.

There would be "kinda nice"
and "pretty cool".

Everything would be different.

- You guys love to hear yourselves speak.
- We're losing her, guys.

- Be interesting.
- Tell us about yourself.

- Yeah. What do you like?
- Well, I don't hate this, for a start.

Yep.

"My name's Veruca. I'm in a band."

"I'm Oz. I'm in a band, too."

"And this is Willow."

"How fun. A groupie."

Groupie.

Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick?
Dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross.

TV is a good thing. Bright colours. Music.

Tiny little people.

What have you done with Buffy?

I'm suffering the afterness
of a bad night of badness.

You didn't? Not with Parker again?

No, with four really smart guys.

Four?

Buffy, are you OK?

I mean, do you wanna talk about it?

I went to see Xander.

Then I saw Parker.

Then came beer.

And then group sex?

Gutterface. No.

Just lots and lots of beer.

It's nice. Foamy.

Comforting.

It's beer.

Drowning your troubles
over Parker. Mind-Frying Man.

He deserves a torturous
and slow death by spider bites.

Well, for today we'll just have
to throw spitballs at his neck in class.

OK.

But getting dressed would be fun, too.

Next class, we'll move on
to personality types and disorders.

For those of you who have
done the reading, you already know...

- Yes?
- She read the reading.

Well then, she'll have
some time on her hands.

As I was saying, we won't
be able to cover it all in class.

But that doesn't mean it isn't worth
knowing, or that it won't be on the midterm.

Now, if I've been unclear
in any way, speak now.

- Buffy.
- Now, before you go

- get the worksheet from the TA.
- Buffy, are you OK?

- Based on that, choose three essay titles...
- Sure. Why wouldn't I be?

It's good. Mm, good. Enough.

No. More is good.

Yeah. Foamy.

You should come to our class
on big thinking. It's good.

Yeah.

Boy, I'm having the worst day.

You got a light?

- I like girls.
- You stupid.

- No, you stupid.
- No, you stupid.

Smelly head.

Willow. Hey.

- I tried calling.
- Yeah, I've been at the library.

- How are you feeling?
- What do you mean?

- Well, you weren't in class. Again.
- Band was practising.

- Hey, Shy's playing again tonight.
- Shy?

Yeah, Veruca's band.
And they asked me to sit in with them.

- It would be kinda cool if you were there.
- Two Veruca shows in two nights?

Are you sure you wanna share your groupie?

I think I'm just gonna study,
cos of the fun.

Yeah, I guess I could see how
it'd be dull for ya.

See ya.

Yeah.

You stupid.

No, you stupid.

No, you.

You.

It sings.

- Like it.
- It's time to go home, Buffy.

Want more singing. Want more beer.

No, I've cut you off.

Did it hurt?

Out you go.

Want beer. Like beer. Beer good.

Beer bad. Bad, bad beer.

What the hell am I saying?
Buffy, go home and go to bed.

- Say "bye".
- Bye.

Bye.

Where girl go?

Hey.

- Did you want something?
- Yes.

I want to give you a piece of my mind.
I'm tired of you men and your man-ness.

Buffy's really hurting right now.
In fact, she's in need of a big mental tidy.

Parker, how could you do this to her?

- I don't get what you mean. What did I do?
- She shared something intimate with you.

And you act like it's nothing more
than a bag of some kind of sack food.

Willow, I'm not sure I need to explain my
actions here, but if that's what you want...

Yes, followed by an admission
of undeniable guilt. But go on.

Some relationships centre
on a deep emotional tie.

Or a Ioyal friendship. Or something.

But most are just two people
passing through life,

enriching or aggravating
each other's lives briefly.

Go on.

Just for one night,
can't two people who feel an attraction

come together
and create something wonderful?

Then go back to their lives,
better for it,

but never overanalysing it
or wanting it to be more than it was?

I have. She should too.

People like Buffy, and me, assume that
intimacy means friendship and respect.

People shouldn't have to ask first: "Are you
gonna be eyeing other prospects tomorrow?"

People shouldn't have
to preface casual sex with:

"Just so you know,
I'll never grow any older with you."

It takes the fire out of it.

Maybe.

Willow, I don't regret what happened.
Or what we did.

But I am sorry that Buffy's hurting, and if I
misled her, I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to.

I'm impressed that
you care so much about her.

You're a good friend.

All right, time to pay up and go home, guys.

Let's see, I'll take this one and this one.

And, you know, I've always had
a problem calculating the tip.

You guys being so dapper of brain,
maybe you can help me out.

OK, great. See, if your bill comes to $38

and generally people tip what,
approximately 30?% ?

That makes your tip what?

You are so smart.

This is so the right amount.

Somebody didn't have their fibre today.

Are you all right in there?

Buddy?

- Oh, God.
- Let's get outta here.

Easy. We're cool.

Help. Oh, God.

Fire bad.

Fire... fire pretty.

Fire angry.

Jack? Jack?

We got a problem. The guys, they...

They're... Some of your patrons
are turning into cavemen.

They had it coming.

I've been taking abuse
from snot-nosed kids for 20 years.

They're always in here with their snotty
attitudes, drinking their fruity microbrews,

spouting some philosophy
like it means a damn thing.

- Thinking they're different than us.
- They are now.

They ain't. That's the great thing about beer.
It makes all men the same.

Why are we talking about beer?
The guys are...

The beer.

Neat, huh? My brother-in-law's a warlock.
He showed me how.

No. No neat. I served them that beer.

I served Buffy that beer.

How much beer does a person need to
consume before they start questing for fire?

Relax. It'll wear off in a day or so.

In a day or so someone can get killed.

You're a bad, bad man.

I didn't see him. Is he OK?

- I cut her off. She didn't drink as much.
- I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.

- I didn't know it was evil.
- You knew it was beer.

Excuse me, Mr "I spent the '60s in
an electric Kool-Aid funky Satan groove".

Early '70s, and you should know better.

I'm not the dad of her. Buffy's a grown-up.
She's intelligent enough to...

Parker bad.

I don't mean this in a bragging way,
but I do get to know a lot of women.

Well, getting to know people is good.

But I haven't found "the one" yet.

I've yet to find a girl that
I can just, you know, sit with,

feeling totally at ease,
spewing whatever's on my mind.

Or even sit with comfortably in silence.

Willow, can I tell you
something kind of private?

OK. I mean, I feel you've
shown me a perspective

I hadn't really thought much about before.

What is it you wanted to tell me?

Just... that...

I've enjoyed talking with you -
here, tonight.

Me, too. I mean, with you.

You know,
I'm wondering something. About you.

What?

Just how gullible do you think I am?

I mean, with your gentle eyes
and your shy smile

and your ability to talk openly only to me?

- You're unbelievable.
- What?

This isn't sharing. This isn't connecting.
It's the pleasure principle.

That's right, I got your number, Id Boy.

All you're thinking about is how
long before you can jump on my bones.

- Look, if you think that I'm...
- I mean, you men. It's all about the sex.

You find a woman, drag her to your den, do
whatever's necessary as long as you get sex.

Men haven't changed since the dawn of time.

See?

Fascinating, really.

Want people.

Where people go?

The TV is off.

Want. Want people.

She doesn't appear to be in any immediate
danger. Maybe you should stay with her.

Boy smell nice.

Or perhaps she should be left alone.

Yeah, I think we need to track down
the fun boys somewhat pronto.

- Jack said the effects of the beer wear off.
- Beer?

- Buffy want beer.
- No. You can't have beer.

Want beer.

Giles, don't make Cave Slayer unhappy.

- Buffy strong.
- Yes, Buffy strong.

- Buffy get beer.
- Buffy get...

- Giles.
- I'm fine. Just get her.

Which way?

Check down there. Find her
before someone gets hurt.

Woman.

Man.

Woman.

Buffy.

Can't find the beer. Good.

Freshman girl not able to hold the beer.
Shouldn't have it. Get into trouble.

We're good.

Remember the boy? Boy smell nice, yeah?

Is there any part of Buffy still in there?

Oh, no.

Fire bad.

Buffy?

Where the hell's Giles?

Blonde. About this tall.
She walks with a sort of a sideways limp.

Bad. Bad.

Buffy?

Stay.

- Are you all right?
- Buffy's still in there.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Help me. I can't breathe.

Buffy. What do we do? Oh, God.

Did you guys have enough fun for one night?

Yes. Please...

Buffy tired.

And was there a lesson in all this, huh?
What did we learn about beer?

- Foamy.
- Good. Just as long as that's clear.

Anyways, I think the boys in the car
are contained for the time being.

It'll give 'em time to ponder the geopolitical
ramifications of being mean to me.

- Whose van is that?
- I don't know. It wasn't locked.

Buffy.

Buffy, I don't know how to say this.

I'm sorry for how I treated you before.
It was wrong of me and I'm sorry.

You were great tonight, really.

I may not deserve this,
but do you think you could forgive me?

Visiontext Subtitles: Yasmeen Khan

ENGLISH