Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 4, Episode 2 - Living Conditions - full transcript

(Willow) Isn't college cool?

(Buffy) I just haven't had a lot of time
to think about life at UC Sunnydale.

- Wow:
- Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer":

- Have you met your roommate yet?
- No.

- Oh, hi!
- Hi. It's nice to meet you.

Kathy. I just know that this
whole year is gonna be super fun!

Whoa! Oh! Oh!

I've forgotten my manners in the concussion.
I'm Riley. Are you taking Intro Psych?

- You've taken it?
- I'm a TA. I help the professor.

I'm Professor Walsh.

Those who fall under my good graces
will come to know me as Maggie.



Those who don't will come to know me by
the name my TAs use and think I don't know:

the Evil Bitch Monster of Death.

Officially, you no longer have a watcher.
I'll always be here when you need me.

You'll have to take care of yourself.

So, college not so scary after all, huh?

It's turning out to be a lot like high school,
which I can handle.

At least I know what to expect.

- (♪ "Believe" by Cher)
- Wow, this music is so...

- ..so...
- I know! This song is super fun, isn't it?

You bet! It just gets funner
and funner every time you play it.

- Going out?
- Yeah.

I'm seriously caffeine deprived.

Figured I'd head down
to The Grotto and get a jolt and...

- ..do some studying.
- Oh. It's late. Won't you be up all night?



Oh, yeah, but it's cool.

I'm sort of an up kinda night person.

I mentioned that, right?

I guess I didn't realise you'd be coming
and going at all hours. Well, not that I mind.

- I'm just surprised.
- I'll be quiet as a mouse, I promise.

- OK.
- Oh! Say, Buffy.

I wanted to show you
this little system I implemented.

Oh, goody! System.

Just log every call you make in here
so when the bill comes it won't be a problem.

- Cos I figure "A stitch in time...
- ..catches the worm."

You bet! OK, then.

Also...

I noticed that some of my milk was missing.
Did you...?

- Oh! Yeah, actually, I did. I meant to...
- No! It's totally OK. I was just wondering.

- Yeah, I was making my coffee and...
- It's fine. I just wanted to make sure...

(music stops)

(♪ “Believe“ by Cher)

...that we didn't have a thief or something.

Like who? Sid the Wily Dairy Gnome?

I don't know... It's no big deal.
I mean, please, feel free.

OK. I'm really sorry.

- I have to...
- Have a good time!

Yeah. You, too.

With ironing.

So you had trouble getting past Kathy?

Yep. She made big with the questions.

You thought your days
of sneaking out of your room were over!

No such luck.

Kathy's nice and all, but she's, sort of...

...I don't know, like, Mini-Mom of Momdonia.

- (rustling)
- Wait. Did you just hear something?

- I'm chewing my gum kinda loud.
- That's not it.

- My sneakers are squeaky.
- I'm looking for something lurky, Will.

Oh.

- Sorry, no.
- Darn, I could use a little play tonight.

Listening to the best of VH1 all day
sorta put me on edge.

- Kathy's still spinning the divas?
- (imitates Kathy) Cos it's the funnest!

It's no big. College is a time of change, right?

Before too long,
she'll be trip-hopping all over the place.

Yeah! This whole dorm thing is just
an adjustment we need to make.

You know? I mean, my roomie
is kind of "challenging", too.

And what are we,
if not women up to a challenge?

Exactly! I mean,
did we not put the "grr" in "girl"?

- Well, here's where I get off.
- Say hey to Oz for me.

- Happy hunting.
- Wish me monsters.

(growls)

(rustling)

Will?

(rustling)

All right... why don't you quit hiding
and come out and face me like a...

..thing?

Hey. I caught you!

- Is everything OK?
- Oh, everything's super.

I just decided a decaf latte
sounded like heaven after all.

So you're coming along.

Why not? This way, you don't have
to walk these spooky paths alone.

Great!

That's just great.

This is neat, isn't it? The fresh air, the trees.

- (growling)
- The smell of... Aargh!

What the blizzard was that all about?

Uh, he, um, tried to take my backpack.

God, what were you thinking,
taking him on like that?

Oh, I don't know. I guess I panicked.

I mean, it's just you could've
gotten hurt or something.

God, and look at my sweater, it's ruined!

Yeah... sorry about that.

Here, we'll go get you cleaned up.

Boring. Boring.

Bill. Bill.

Hello.

- You run?
- And jump. And bend.

- And occasionally frolic.
- OK. And, uh...

...what's with the Motorbike
and Scooter magazine?

Congratulations, you've found me out.
I'm a mod jogger.

Are you having a midlife thing?

I still go "ish" from the last time
you tried to recapture your youth.

- Buffy!
- Sorry.

Demon. Last night.
Made with the pummelling, but he got away.

- What sort of demon?
- Um, he had a cloak on...

...and glowing green eyes. And his skin
had a, like, super-bad fake rub-on tan.

- Translate?
- Orangey.

Thank you. Anything else?

My roommate Kathy was there,
but she didn't see anything.

You took your roommate
patrolling with you?

I invited the whole dorm,
but she was the only one that could make it.

I told her I was going for coffee
and she decided to tag along.

We should discourage her from that habit.
From what you describe...

...I'm not familiar with the creature, but I'll
give you a ring when I've found something.

- You know, it's nice out here.
- Yes, I take my tea out here sometimes.

- What are you doing today?
- It's a big day for me, actually.

A friend acquired an original
Gutenberg demonography.

And you've never once asked me
what my day's plans were...

...which leads me to inquire
whether you're feeling yourself.

That's not true. I ask about you all the time.

OK, maybe the words don't actually make it
out of my mouth, but I think about it.

And it's appreciated.

Doesn't explain why you're hanging around
instead of rushing off as usual.

It's no big. I just figured I'd hang here,
you know, until...

...my roommate goes to class.

Ah, I see.

I know, it's probably just me
having a bitch attack. But it's not... me.

Living with somebody is never easy.
Especially for an only child.

Giles, listen. When sharpening her pencils...

...she measures them with a ruler
so they're all the same size.

Which is fussy, I agree,
but everybody has their idiosyncrasies.

You'd do well to learn to tolerate them.

Or I'll end up an old lady
who can only live with cats?

- Something like that.
- OK. You know what? You're right.

Take a mental pic. This is the new Buffy.
Kinder, gentler, roommate extraordinaire.

Ex-boyfriend or loan shark?

- Excuse me?
- The person you're hiding from.

Oh. Both.

Ugly break-up.

- I'm sorry, I just cut you...
- No, stay, stay. I'll watch your back.

- Freshman, huh?
- Is it that obvious?

There are signs. People who've been around
know how to use their dining-hall card.

It's not for food?

Work it right and you get three meals' worth,
which equals fewer punch cards used.

More cash from dad
that you keep for yourself.

Right! See, the goal is to polish off
as much as humanly possible in one sitting.

Enough to get you through the day, while
chipmunking items for future consumption.

Ah! Got it.

Excess dry goods
fit nicely in a backpack or your pocket.

The wetter items - macaronis,
your turkey loaf - then you're into Ziplocs.

- It's not for beginners.
- I'll just take it slow.

- So...
- So, those are my...

- Are you...?
- Oh, no, I have someone waiting.

Otherwise, I'd...

Parker Abrams. I'm at Kresky Hall.

Buffy Summers, Stevenson.

OK. Well, I'll see you around...

...Buffy Summers of Stevenson.

See ya, Parker Abrams.

Hey! Say hi to Non-College Guy.

Not that I mind, but don't non-college guys
usually populate the non-campus?

Usually. I just thought I'd come around
and check on my girls.

- And eat off my plate.
- What's the deal? Parents not feeding you?

- Sure they do. For a price.
- So, spill!

What was that all about,
with the cutie patootie?

I don't know. Nothing serious, I think.
Just random adorableness.

Oh, a technique I know well.
Hit the girl with your best shot, then hasta.

- Gotta respect the drive-by.
- Low rejection, fond memories.

It looked like more than that to me.
He got all googly-eyed.

That's because he got hit by the Buffinator.
Now he's powerless.

- You think?
- No question, he'll be back.

So what else is up with the Buff?

- Any vamp action?
- No.

I did get jumped by a demon
of non-specific origin last night.

Yeah? Something apocalypsey?
Do we need to assemble the Scooby gang?

No, but thank you for asking.

I just got way too excited, didn't I?

You need to get out of
the basement a little more.

Hi, everybody!

Squeeze in!

You all know my roomie, Kathy.

- Hi.
- Hey, Kathy.

Is that my sweater?

I didn't think you'd mind.
You got mine all muddy.

- I was saving you from a...
- Bear!

...mugger.

It's not a problem, is it? I figure we're like
sisters now, living together and everything.

No, it's... it's fine.

I just wished you'd asked.

- So, where're you from, Kathy?
- Nebraska, originally.

Ah, yes. Big-sky country.

Can you believe her? First she acts
like she has sit privileges at my lunch table...

Can you believe her? First she acts
like she has sit privileges at my lunch table...

...just because a computer
decided to make us cellmates.

(Willow) I'm sure it's not easy for her. She's
not like you - she doesn't know anybody here.

Fine. But what about my sweater?

You can't believe what I put up with.

Yeah, I guess it's hard.

- The sweater thing was an accident.
- I don't know.

- Sorry!
- I don't think I can take another day of this.

She's back from the bathroom. Call you back.

Don't forget to log those calls.

Eeuw! Who left their gum here?

- Gum gnome?
- It wasn't me! It had to be somebody, Buffy!

(swallows) I don't know.

Do you always make that noise
when you sleep?

So, after the scorpion, the demon opened my
mouth and sucked a weird light out of me.

And the worst part? I wake up and
there's Kathy, staring at me like I'm a freak.

Actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with
the demon pouring blood down your throat.

Me, too. I would vote for that, too.

But that's just a dream,
and this Kathy thing is real.

All she cared about was
her precious sleep being disturbed.

Perhaps it would be more productive
to examine your dreams.

Determine their meaning.

You can read dreams? Neat!

Giles, Kathy. Kathy, Giles.

He's our grown-up friend.
Not in a creepy way.

- Nice to meet you, Kathy.
- Ditto.

Maybe you can read
the dream I had last night?

There was this monster and he sat on me
and did all this stuff to me.

Stuff like scorpions?
And Bloody Mary minus the Mary?

- How'd you know?
- Well, I'm a good guesser.

Me, too. And I'm guessing that you need
to be on your way to class. Right, Kath?

Somebody woke up
on the wrong side of the bed.

And guess what? You were next to it.

You know, I need to dash. My whole schedule
is off because someone kept me up all night.

Well, it's been fun. Toodles!

Toodles!

- You know what this means?
- Yes.

Not only does she take my sweater,
but now she has to horn in on my dreams.

She is the most ever mooch.
Oh, I haven't even gotten to the floss.

Buffy, focus. Please? If Kathy and you
are having the same nightmares,...

..chances are something happened
when you both met the demon.

So we need to figure out if this ritual they're
dreaming about has some use or meaning.

Cool. You guys can do the brain thing.

- I'm gonna go to class.
- Which could also be the brain thing.

Not when you're minoring in Napping 101.

OK, so that was the evil twin, right?
Cos she was bordering on Cordelia-esque.

She's definitely pushing
the stress meter on this Kathy thing.

I concur that she's not, er, herself.

But, you know, learning
to live with someone can be a challenge.

And she hasn't been sleeping.

Right, then.
Nothing to get too concerned about.

Still, let me know if she, erm...

Hits the red zone?

Yes.

(chanting)

(♪ “Believe“ by Cher)

Lots of popular artists don't get their dues.
Madonna. Whitney.

- That's so totally true.
- Parker?

Hey. I just stopped by to say...

...that. And... bring you...

You know, to maximise
your dining-hall exports.

- They're heavy-duty.
- "Plus freezer guard"! That's so...

Parker was just gonna leave his number
and go, but... we started talking.

He's such a blast, and the time just flew.

Time? Really? How much time?

I'm not sure. We sort of
got caught up talking Red Wings.

It turns out Kathy's a closet hockey fan.
I think it's the violence.

- Quit it! I told you that was just between us.
- It could be the sweaty men.

Stop!

Look, if you two are gonna rassle, can you
take it outside? I have a lot of work to do.

Sorry, I didn't realise.

Parker, wait.
Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

No, it's totally cool. I should go anyway.

Well, it was great of you to stop by.
Maybe we could do it another time?

Another time, for sure.

- Bye, Kathy.
- Bye. See ya.

It wouldn't have killed you
to be nice, you know.

Looked like you were being
nice enough for the both of us.

I wasn't moving in on your territory,
if that's what you mean.

Right. Just like you didn't
destroy my sweater.

- I'm cold!
- Well, I'm hot. Deal with it.

- D'you know what your problem is, Buffy?
- You?

Hardly. Your problem is you're spoiled.

The world revolved around you where
you used to live, but it's share time now.

Share time, huh? Fine!
I'll show you share time.

- You're worried about her.
- Yeah, both of them.

What kind of demon runs around putting
ooky blood dreams into people's heads?

Like some kind of nightmare fairy.
It's not right.

- Well, I'm against it.
- And Buffy's completely being not herself.

If it wasn't for this English paper,
I'd be there right now.

You know, listening.
Doing the girly best friend thing.

- Well, I can do that.
- You can?

I'm not saying we'll braid each other's hair,
but I can hang with her.

- Watch for signs she's going over the edge.
- You're the best.

Oh, she's probably patrolling by now.

Check around the science centre.

- If you need me, I'll be...
- (party music)

...at the library.

...so then Kathy's like "It's share time."
And I'm like "Oh, yeah? Share this!"

So either you hit her,
or you did your wacky mime routine for her.

I didn't do either, actually.
But she deserved it, don't you think?

- Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.
- Oh, Kathy does.

She deserves to be locked in an invisible box
and blown away by an imaginary wind and...

- Forced to wear a binding unitard?
- The itchy kind. It's perfect.

- I'm just here to help.
- Which I appreciate.

But you've never come on routine patrol
with me before, Oz. So what's the deal?

Seemed more interesting than homework.

As long as it's an elective.
I can handle myself alone, you know.

- Not in question.
- Good.

So, I go to the refrigerator, right?
And the Label Queen has put...

Just a thought - do you think all this
ranting is scaring away potential demons?

You're right. Ugh!
She's even affecting my work now!

She's the Titanic.
She's a crawling black cancer.

She's... other really bad things.

On the plus side, you killed the bench,
which was looking shifty.

This isn't funny, Oz.
Something has to be done.

Agreed.

Agreed.

(snip)

(snip)

(flunk)

(whoosh)

(bang)

(bang)

(bang)

(bang)

(banging continues)

(♪ “Believe“ by Cher)

(cracking)

I'm going to bed.

(Kathy moans)

Oh, jeez!

I do what I can, but Buffy's difficult.
She's secretive, for one thing.

She comes in at all hours of the night.
She leaves her gum all over the place.

It sounds like things are rough, but don't
you wanna be talking to Buffy about this?

I would, but she's so touchy
about all kinds of weird stuff.

I mean, sometimes I get the feeling
that she is not quite normal. You know?

Well, normal is relative, right?

Later, OK?

- Why were you talking to her?
- Buffy, come on. We were just saying hi.

Yeah, that's what she wants you to think.

Buffy, this has to stop.

I mean, I get it. I have a sucky roomie, too.
But you just have to deal.

You're right. I've been
thinking a lot about this and...

- ..it's clear to me now.
- Good. That's better.

Kathy's evil. I'm an evil fighter.

It's simple. I'm gonna have to kill her.

You have to kill her?

Don't you think you could
just switch rooms or something?

Well, I would, but it's not just me
in danger from Kathy.

Look.

- Toenails?
- Evil toenails.

I took them when she was in the bathroom.
She thought I was asleep.

Cos in the middle of the night
they could have attacked you...

...and left little marks all over your body.

Don't be ridiculous.

I measured them before I fell asleep
and again this morning...

...and they grew. After they were cut!
That's a demon thing.

- She has to be eliminated.
- Of course. It makes sense now.

But you'd better show those bad puppies to
Giles before you do anything, just to be sure.

Absolutely. I wouldn't wanna
do anything crazy.

You hurry on to Giles.
I'll hang here and keep an eye on Kathy.

Great. Good. Thanks, Will.

Giles. I just talked to Buffy and, yeah,
I think she's feeling a little... insane.

No, not bitchy crazy.
More like homicidal-maniac crazy?

So I told her to come see you, OK?

Giles?

Anybody home?

Hello? Ooh!

What are you guys doing?
This is... this is ridiculous!

- This hurts me more than it hurts you.
- Not yet, but it will.

Oh, don't say that.

- Oh, please, don't say that.
- Ow!

We're doing this to stop you
from making a terrible mistake.

Clearly, something is amiss.

Yeah, something's amiss,
a Miss Kathy Newman.

Giles, ow! Giles, look in my bag.

Look in the bottom pocket of my bag. She
has parts that grow after they're detached.

She irons her jeans. She's evil.
She has to be destroyed.

I fear the demon that Buffy met in the woods
has somehow possessed her.

- Lite FM. Nothing but love songs.
- You think?

You stay and watch her. I know a spell that
will reveal the demon so that we can fight it...

...but I need to get some supplies
from the magic shop.

Buffy, I... See you around.

- Can I come in?
- Sure!

- Where's Buffy?
- I don't know... exactly.

But I've been thinking. You and Buffy
should give each other some apart time.

In fact, you might wanna be apart
before she gets back.

What do you mean?
I should leave the room?

- Why should I go?
- It's not fair, I know.

You bet it's not fair, having to live
with someone who's obviously troubled.

Someone who so clearly needs
to be in a home, not in a dorm.

I don't know about that.
Buffy's going through something, yes, but...

I wouldn't put it past her to drop out, or
take off. Do something horrible to herself.

- Herself?
- Or worse. She's capable of it, you know.

You can see it
in those shifty little eyes of hers.

One of these days
she might push somebody too far.

(phone rings)

Hello?

It's Oz.

Hi. You did? She's at Giles'. OK.

You know, during that really
short phone call I realised you are so right.

I mean, it's not fair to make you
leave your own room. So, you're good.

You just stay, right there. OK?

I can't believe this.

After all we've been through, and you won't
believe me when I tell you that Kathy is bad.

- We want to, Buff. It's just...
- Shh. Don't engage.

I don't know if I tightened
those ropes enough.

Well, then we'd better
go over there and check 'em.

Oh, dear God!

Avoid the legs.

Avoid the legs.

Nope, not tight enough.

Kathy.

Buffy.

I think we need to talk, don't you?

Absolutely. Let's talk.

Oops! Look what I did.

Oh, look what I did.

Arrghh!

(growls)

- I knew it!
- (growls)

(chanting)

- Quit it!
- I knew it! I knew you were a demon.

Why don't you just stuff it
and let me finish my ritual?

- Ritual?
- "The ritual of Mok'tagar...

...trans-dimensional demons:
forced ingestion of animal blood...

...while the victim slumbers."

- Buffy's nightmares...
- ..were real.

I'm sorry, OK? I left my dimension to go
to college and they sent these guys after me.

"While they can assume many forms
and guises, including human...

...they can always be recognised
by others of their kind...

...due to the lack of a soul."

- So I'm borrowing yours.
- Without even asking.

Tonight, when they come looking for me,
they'll take the one without a soul.

- I won't have to watch you floss.
- And I won't have to live with a slob!

It's share time, Buffy. (growls)

Fine! Then let's start with my sweater.

(growls)

oh!

Ow! Why couldn't Giles have shackles
like any self-respecting bachelor?

Guys, I just saw Kathy and she's acting...

- Oh, my God! Are you OK?
- Yeah.

- Buffy's got a pretty good lead on us.
- I'll call Kathy, tell her to get out of there.

All you had to do was
write... down... your... calls!

- No answer.
- Toenails!

Buffy's right. Kathy's toenails
not only grow after they're cut...

...they actually regenerate
if they're destroyed.

- And that's a demon thing?
- Oh, unequivocally, yes. So...

Where is Buffy?

Oh, dear, we have
even less time than I feared.

I've looked up all known
regenerating demons.

Only one species practises the ritual
that Buffy's been seeing in her sleep.

It's used to steal the soul from a human body.

Wait. Has Buffy been doing a Linda Blair on
us because Kathy's been sucking her soul?

- I believe so, yes. Excuse me, please.
- So Buffy was right all along.

- Later on, big remorse.
- Now, I've found a spell that should...

...reverse the soul transfer procedure
immediately. Willow and I will perform it.

Leaving Xander and me
to help Buffy in the flesh.

"Hear me, elders of the upper reaches."

"Elders of the lower reaches. Elders
of the dry land. Elders of the river flats."

Aha!

Do you mind? People are trying to study!

"Ancients, I beseech you. The soul,
abstracted, let it revert to its true seat."

The window's open. Happy?

Open up! Let me finish!

"Let it be finished."

"Let the unnatural vessel be emptied. Let
the essence be returned to its original host."

How did you do...?

(growls)

Aargghhh!

(♪ “Pain“ by Four Star Mary)

- How's that?
- Uh-uh. A little to the left.

There! Perfect.

I'm so glad you're here, Will.

I can already feel all that bad
Kathy karma draining away.

About that. The Kathy thing?

- I'm sorry I doubted you.
- You're completely forgiven.

I mean, you had reason to doubt.

Except for the soul-sucking thing, I bet Kathy
was pretty regular - as far as roomies go.

- That's a pretty big "except".
- I guess.

I'm just glad that it was Kathy's
demony ways making me No-Fun Buffy.

I've always thought I was pretty easy-going.

It's not like I have the big issues.
I don't burn incense or...

Are you gonna finish this?

(squelching)

Visiontext Subtitles: Claire Bates

Urgh! Argh!

ENGLISH SDH