Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 4, Episode 11 - Doomed - full transcript

Let's try again.

Previously on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer“:

(Spike) I can't bite anything.
I can't even hit people.

- How's with you and Riley?
- Every time we talk, I have to lie.

I wish I could just come clean.

- (Forrest) Well, you can't.
- Yeah, I know I can't. But Buffy's special.

- I guess we have to talk.
- I guess we do.

Somebody should speak
before one of us graduates.

What are you?

Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?

Sorry. That came out
a little blunter than I intended.



It's just... you're amazing.
Your speed, your strength.

Also passionate, artistic and inquisitive.

- Who are you?
- You know who I am.

The rest... What I do...

I can't tell you.

Well, then, let me. You're part of
some military monster squad...

...that captures demons, vampires...

Probably has official-sounding euphemisms
for them, like "unfriendlies" or "non-sapiens".

Hostile subterrestrials.

So, you deliver these HSTs to a bunch of lab
coats, who perform experiments on them...

...which, among other things,
turn some into harmless little bunnies.

- How am I doin' so far?
- A little too well.

Meanwhile, by day, you pretend
to be Riley Finn, cornfed Iowa boy.

Ever been to Iowa, Riley?
God, if that's even your name.



It is. Born and raised.

And hey, bulletin: I'm not the only one
who's been a little less than honest here.

I thought a professional demon-chaser like
yourself would have figured it out by now.

I'm the Slayer.

Slayer. Chosen One.

She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries?

You're kidding.

Ask around. Look it up.

Slayer, comma, the.

And you fight demons?

I mean, you whaled on those guys.

- You did pretty well yourself.
- Yeah, but I'm a walking bruise today.

You see me with my clothes off, I look like...

I mean, I have bruises...
I don't see a scratch on you.

- You're not looking hard enough.
- I'm looking pretty hard.

So then...

- What do we do?
- I don't know.

I just...

I really thought that
you were a nice, normal guy.

I am.

Maybe by this town's standards,
but I'm not grading on a curve.

I think we both need a little time to...
process everything.

- Maybe then...
- Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

Oh...

- I don't think I need to tell you...
- I won't say a word.

- Good. It'll be safer for all...
- (squealing)

Over here.

Wow. That was some ride!

Sorry I'm so excited. It's my first earthquake.

It's not mine.

My soddin' sleeping chair's bloody... sodden.

The quake knocked a couple of pipes loose.
There's a wrench over by the workbench.

- Try tightening the coupling.
- Do I look like a plumber to you?

No, you look like a big mooch who doesn't
lift a finger here, but I have to get to work.

Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread,
doing your part to keep America constipated.

Mock not. Remember who pays
for the plasma round here, pal.

You earn your keep, or you don't get kept.

When you're done fixing that leak,
try cleaning up this mess.

And doing a little laundry for once
wouldn't kill you... unfortunately.

Hey! I was in the library during the quake.

Almost got buried
in some 19th-century literature.

And I don't have to tell you how hard it is
to dig through some of that stuff.

- You OK?
- Yeah.

A couple of broken knick-knacks,
but no biggies.

Porter Dorm is completely blacked out.

So they're dealing with the crisis the only
way they know how: Aftershock Party.

The dorm that had the Somebody Sneezed
Party and the Day That Ends In Y Party.

They do seem to be
pretty generous with the milestones.

Hey, you should ask Riley to come.
Much carousing by flattering candlelight.

Riley's, um... busy.

I'm pretty sure. But you go on ahead
and I'll catch up with you there.

I'm on my way for a little Giles one-on-one.

- Anything wrong?
- Wrong?

No. Not at all.

- Something horrible's gonna happen.
- It was an earthquake.

Not uncommon in southern California.
No reason to think it was anything more.

I so have a reason. A darn good reason.
The last time we had an earthquake, I died.

Yes, I know that, and therefore
I completely understand your anxiety.

Oh, good. Cos I'd hate for my little untimely
horrible death concern to be ambiguous.

But unless evidence suggests otherwise,
we can assume that it's shifting landmasses...

...and not a portent of some imminent doom.

Now, in the meantime, I've got a few theories
about our mysterious commando friends.

Oh.

- Really?
- Based on the locations of our sightings...

...and Spike's reluctant description
of their underground installation...

What if the quake was a sign -
a bad omen - and we ignore it?

There'll be a lot of red faces
when the world ends.

Buffy, if the quake heralded
some such catastrophe...

...I'm sure there will be other signs to follow
which will afford us plenty of time to avert it.

I believe the commando installation is either
very close to or directly under your school.

If that is the case, one or more of them
may be in your very midst.

- Plague!
- What?

If the end of the world comes in the form of
a plague, too many people may be infected...

Buffy! Will you stop worrying about
what may be and concentrate on what is.

Vigilance is all well and good, but as we're
close, there is a more pressing question.

- What's a slayer?
- Slayer?

Thrash band. Anvil-heavy guitar rock
with delusions of Black Sabbath.

- No. A girl, with powers.
- Oh. The Slayer.

- Oh, yeah, I've heard of the Slayer.
- Fill me in.

Well, the Slayer is like some kind
of bogeyman for the subterrestrials...

...something they tell their spawn
to make 'em eat their vegetables.

- You're telling me she doesn't exist.
- Wait a sec.

Am I bursting somebody's bubble here?

Maybe this is a bad time
to tell you about the Easter Bunny?

Sorry, sorry. It's a myth, Rye.
All a part of that medieval folklore garbage...

...kooks dream up to explain things
we deal with every day.

How do you explain
the things we deal with, Forrest?

They're just animals. Rarer than the ones
you grew up with on that farm in Smallville...

(fighting)

Where's that hypo?

Never mind.

Like I said...

..animals.

- What's that racket?
- (banging)

Animals rattling in their cages.
Been doin' it all day.

- What's got 'em all worked up?
- Earthquakes. They make everybody crazy.

(♪ "Hey" by the Hellacopters)

♪ You say you wanna help me out

♪ But you just fill my head with doubt

♪ Hey, I got my own reality
and it sure ain't virtual

♪ It's my highway, I choose

♪ My lane and I control the cruise

♪ Yeah, I got feelings
but bet your ass they're not mutual

Percy! Hi!

Hey, Willow. What's goin' on?

Stuff. I thought you got
that football scholarship to USC.

- I did. Laurie goes here.
- Hey.

Hi.

Some party, huh?

It's OK.

- How's Oz?
- Oh, actually, Oz...

Listen, we're gonna go get some drinks.
Cool to see you.

Bye.

Yeah, catch you later.

Hey, you guys serious
about naked limbo? I'm in.

(♪ "Mouth Almighty" by Echobelly)

Buffy, where are you?

So I can watch you flirt with that redhead?

What, Rosenberg? She's just some egghead
who tutored me a little in high school.

She's nice, but come on -
captain of the nerd squad.

Well, I don't know.
Maybe you have a thing for geeks.

Uh, no. I like my women hot.

Call me old-fashioned.

Hello?

Anyone in here?

Spike, the place looks worse than when I left!

You didn't even fix the drip!

Don't turn around.

- Spike, what is it? What happened?
- Don't look at me.

I shrunk them.

Bleeding shirt, trousers... I hate this place.

I'm no happier about you
wearing my stuff than you are.

Go out. Get me some decent stuff.
And I want more blood.

No! You're not a guest.

You want me to tear
this place apart, you poof?

That's it! I am way past through with you.

I hate to break it to you, O impotent one,
but you're not the Big Bad any more.

You're not even the Kind of Naughty. You're
nothing but a waste of space - my space!

And as much as I got a big laugh
watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum...

...and as much as I know I can give you a
bum-kicking, I'm here to tell you somethin'.

You're not even worth it.

I'm outta here.

Buffy! Over here.

Wow. I wasn't sure where the party was, and
then I saw the lights and the ambulance...

...and I was, like, "Right, of course.
Death, carnage... It's a Buffy party."

I'm so glad you're here.

- What happened?
- I found him, this guy, on the bed with me.

Dead. Not me dead, he dead.

God, are you OK?

(whispers) Vampire?

There was so much blood,
and there was a symbol.

- And Percy said I was a nerd.
- Percy called you a nerd?

I guess we should report to Giles,
get with the demon-tracking.

Does Percy even go here?

OK, that makes 0-4 billion.

You don't got game, son.
What's going on in that head of yours?

I'm just trying to make up my mind
about something.

Buffy. She's pretty cool, isn't she?

Yes already! She's cool, she's hot,
she's tepid, she's all-temperature Buffy.

Now can we concentrate on the game here?

Good block. Use your face more often.

- We have an alpha code-blue situation.
- One of ours?

- Negative. Civilian at the Porter Hall party.
- HST attack?

Cannot confirm. I couldn't get close
without drawing attention to myself.

Should we mobilise?

No, I'll go. Do a little recon.
See if it falls in our domain.

You alert Professor Walsh. Tell her we have
a casualty of an indeterminate nature.

Let's not make a move
until we get the whole story.

It just made me feel
like I was right back in high school.

Dumb jock. If it wasn't for you,
he still would be.

I mean, I know the Percy thing
isn't really important.

- It's the dead guy on the bed.
- Yeah, that's bad, too.

Ooh, and something else.
He - the dead guy - was propped up...

...like whatever killed him
wanted to drain the blood out of him.

So I'm thinking the "whatever"
took a bunch of the guy's blood with him.

And I haven't been a nerd
for a very long time.

Hello! Dating a guitarist!

- Or I was.
- Tell them about the symbol.

Right. It was carved into his chest,
like a big creepy eye.

It's kind of the CBS logo.

Hey, could this be the handiwork
of one Mr Morley Safer?

I've seen this somewhere before.
I just can't remember where.

- I mean, it's like...
- It's the end of the world.

Again?

It's the earthquake. That symbol is...

I told you. I said "end of the world" and
you're like "Pooh, pooh, southern California."

I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely
dwarfs the impending apocalypse.

No, it can't be. We've done this already.

It's the end of the world. Everyone dies.
It's rather important, really.

So what do we do?

I stop it.

I wonder where I've seen this before.

Where else? The place I spend
most of my waking hours...

...memorising stuff
off the sides of mausoleums.

Big freaky cereal boxes of death.

(banging)

Door was open.

Wow! That flippy thing that you did...

- Where did it go?
- It's gone.

- I saw it take off toward the woods.
- And you didn't follow it?

No weapons, no backup. You don't
go after a demon that size by yourself.

- I do.
- Yeah, well, I'm no slayer.

- Base One, this is Lilac One.
- Lilac?

Go.

Sighting of an unidentified Sub-T. Mobilise
patrol team for debriefing at 0800 hours.

Copy that.

Very commandery.

Lilac notwithstanding.

What are you doing here?

Looking for you.
She who hangs out in cemeteries.

Well, I have to... get the demon.

Don't sweat it. We'll bag it.

- It's not that simple.
- Yeah, but...

- Look, I really think...
- Riley, I just...

- I can't.
- Can't talk?

Can't any of it.

I can't be with you. It's a huge, black pit
of a mistake and I can't go there again.

Again? You've dated me before?

No! Look, I was involved...

- You don't know what my life is like.
- I'm dying to find out.

Dying being the operative word here.
There's too much risk. There is too much...

It's just doomed. And I can't do doomed
again right now. I'm sorry.

I don't understand where this is coming from.

You like me. It's not like
we don't have anything in common.

- But that's not enough.
- Buffy, I'm thrown by this.

I'm confused.

But I can feel my skin humming.

My hands, my every inch of me.

I've never been this excited
about anybody before.

I'm not trying to scare you
and I'm not gonna force myself on you, but...

...I am, by God, not gonna walk away
because I think it might not work.

I don't know what's happened in your past...

Pain, death...

..apocalypse.

None of it fun.

Do you know what a hellmouth is?
Do you have a fancy term for it?

Because I went to high school on it
for three years.

We do not have that much in common.
This is a job to you.

- It's not just a job.
- It's an adventure, great.

But for me, it's destiny.

It is something I can't change,
something I can't escape. I'm stuck.

You don't have to be.
You're not in high school any more.

- You can change things.
- Riley, no.

- I know it may seem...
- Riley!

My answer is no.

- A Vahrall demon.
- Ew!

- I second that revulsion.
- Yes.

"Slick like ghoul and gird in moonlight,
father of portents and brother to blight."

"Limbs with talons, eyes like knives,
bane to the blameless, thief of lives."

Three metres tall, approximately 100-120
kilograms, based on my visual analysis.

- Special hazards?
- Unknown.

Probably nothing we haven't handled before.

There's no pattern we can discern,
so we assume it's on a "kill, crush, destroy."

It isn't digging up the bones of a child for fun.

A demon's got some
pretty hilarious ideas about fun.

The bones of a child, though.

I saw that...

An ancient ritual. it uses the blood of a man,
the bones of a child and...

"something called the Word of Valios.

It's all part of a sacrifice.
The sacrifice of three.

Let me guess - ends the world?

Well, yeah.
It's not big with the details, though.

It doesn't say how the world ends
or what the ritual entails exactly.

The sacrifice of three.
Three people are gonna die?

No, they won't. Because Claw Boy
is not getting all of his ingredients.

We have to find the Word of Valios,
keep him from getting it.

If he doesn't already have it.
I mean, who knows where he's been?

Here's one for the good guys. This thing's
got a pheromone signature a mile wide.

Agent Gates has been working
with the detection system.

Can't tell where it's going,
but I know where it's been.

Residual traces showing up
in populated areas. The thing's not shy.

We're going out in civvies.
Weapons stowed in packs.

Keep 'em out of sight till nightfall.
Remember, this isn't a capture, it's a kill.

Pick up assignments from me.
We'll blanket the town.

I'll check the magic shop
for a book called the Word of Valios.

- How about the museum?
- We'll stop by my house, get weapons...

...and I'll change into something
that isn't quite as anchovy-scented.

This thing takes wicked very seriously. Be
careful. I couldn't stand anybody getting hurt.

Goodbye, Dru. See you in hell.

What are you doing?

Bloody rot! Can't a person knock?

- What are you doing?
- You were trying to stake yourself.

Fag off! It's no concern of yours.

Is too. For one thing,
that's my shirt you're about to dust.

For another, we've shared a lot. You should
have trusted me enough to do it for you.

- Xander.
- What? He wants to die, I wanna help.

It's ooky. We know him.
We can't just let him poof himself.

Oh, but you can. You know I'd drain you drier
than the Sahara if I had half the chance.

Besides, I'm beyond pathetic.
Stuck in this basement washing skivvies...

...for a blighter I wouldn't have bothered
to bite a few months ago.

I mean, am I even remotely scary any more?

Tell me the truth.

Well, the shirt is kinda...
not very threatening, and the short pants...

But it could also be cos I know you can't bite,
which isn't what you really need to hear...

- Stop. Look, just clear out, OK?
- Fine. But you break anything else...

- ..and you'll be sleeping in the garage.
- We can't leave him here like this.

- We'll have to take him to the museum.
- You go on.

I won't do anything.
I feel better now. Promise.

If we don't find what we're looking for,
we're facing an apocalypse.

Really? You're not just saying that?

(beeping)

Buffy.

- Is this really the time for Donkey Kong?
- What?

Oh.

It takes trace readings
of the creature's pheromones.

And?

And it's either mating season for this thing
or... it's movin' all over town.

- You know, Buffy...
- Actually, I need to go.

- Big Bad needs to be squished.
- Right. I'm on it, too.

It's just, this thing,
this you-and-me thing, it's stupid.

I know. Which is why we can't do it,
the you-and-me thing.

No, I mean you're stupid.

I mean, I don't mean that.

- No, I think maybe I do.
- Wow. With sweet talk like that...

- ..you'll definitely melt my reservations.
- I'm serious.

You have this twisted way of looking
at things. This doom-and-gloom mentality.

You keep thinking like that and things will
probably turn out just the way you expect.

You know, there's nothing more dangerous
than a psych grad student.

Buffy, where is the bad here?

It turns out that we're even more
well-matched than we thought we were.

I mean, you're a... fry cook and so am I.

Yes, but you're an amateur...

...fry cook, and I come from a long line
of fry cooks that don't live past 25.

Which is exactly the attitude I'm talking
about. Look, I know the risks of what we do.

I also know it's more rewarding than
any other job on the planet. And fun!

Fun? The last person I know that
believed that is in a coma right now...

...because she had so much fun on the job.

I'm not saying you shouldn't
take your work seriously.

That I should just turn my frown
upside down? Is that it?

I wish I could. But this isn't the kind of gig
where you can just hang it up at night...

- ..and snuggle with your honey.
- Why can't it be?

Because I tried it, OK?
And every time it just fell apart.

Then I get sucked right back
into the Uber-evil.

Welcome to the story of the world. Things
fall apart, Buffy. And evil, it comes and goes.

But the way people manage is, they don't
do it alone. They pull each other through.

If you weren't so self-involved you'd see that.

You have no idea what you're talking about.
You barely know me.

I know that it's not just the job thing.

I'm sure there's some good-looking guy
who done you wrong in there, too.

But mostly I think you wanna
stay down in the dark place...

- ..cos maybe it's safer down there.
- You are so out of line.

No. See, I don't think so.

We have an opportunity, you and me, but
the fact that you're too scared to even try...

ls my business.

So why don't you just leave me alone?

Fair enough.

- Great. No Word of Valios.
- Not even a syllable of Valios.

So I'm one step closer to melting
in a sea of molten hellfire?

You shouldn't talk like that.
OK, so you can't kill any more...

...but there's other fun things
you can do. You'll adjust.

Adjust? And what? End up
like the two of you? No, thank you.

Here it goes. "We can't just leave him here
to stake himself. It's not right."

I should think you would be glad
to greet the end of days.

I mean, neither one of you
is making much of a go at it.

You... Kids your age
are going off to university.

You've made it as far as the basement.
And Red here...

...you couldn't even keep Dog Boy happy. You
can take the loser out of high school, but...

You're trying to get us to dust you.

Am not! I just don't want pity
from geeks more useless than I am.

We're not useless. We... we help people.
We fight the forces of evil.

Buffy fights the forces of evil.

You're her groupies. She'd do just
as well without you, better I'd wager...

...since she wouldn't have to save
your hides all the time.

That is so not true.
We're part of the team. She needs us.

Or you're just the same tenth-grade losers
you've always been...

...and she's too much of a softy
to cut you loose.

Oh - as usual - dear.

- What happened?
- It's my fault. I should have known.

Giles...

The Word of Valios
is the name of a talisman, not a book.

- I blame myself entirely. I had it here.
- (Xander) You had it here?

I thought you were being
too hard on yourself, but...

Thank you. I bought it
at a sorcerer's estate sale.

I only glanced at it once.
I thought it was a knockoff.

They have it. They probably have
their sacrifices by now, too.

They're on their way
to perform the sacrifice now.

On their way where?
You found out what the ritual is for?

The Hellmouth.
They're going to open the Hellmouth.

The one in the library.

Looks like we're going back to high school.

OK, be careful, you guys.
The place doesn't look too stable.

Fine by me. Hope we all go under.

Why is he even here? It's not like he can fight.

If we leave him alone, he'll stake himself.

And that's bad because...?

Fine. Whatever. Just keep him out of the way.

I do not have time for this.

When we get to the library, look out for
victims they're keeping alive for the sacrifice.

- Getting them out is the first priority.
- Will do.

OK. You guys ready?

Let's rock and roll.

"Let's rock and roll."

(Xander) Sunnydale High.

If these walls were still walls,
what stories they could tell.

Eeuw!

Mayor meat. Extra crispy.

I think we're near the library.

(demons chanting)

(Willow) Whoa.

Check out the new floor plan.

(Buffy) Three of them.

I don't see any sacrifice people.

They must be around here somewhere.

The ritual's not finished.
And it's not gonna be.

(Xander) The blood!

Get the talisman. They can't do the ritual.

(Willow) I've got the bones!

Here!

You're picking on the wrong guy. I've had
a lot of practice at this with my lunch money.

Spike!

Right, perfect.

OK, I guess I won.

The demons! They are the sacrifice!

No pain.

I can hurt a demon.

That's right. I'm back,
and I'm a bloody animal! Yeah!

- No!
- Spike, not in the hole!

What? I was helping.

Get outta here!
The building's gonna come down!

Don't let him jump in the Hellmouth.
If he does, we're finished!

(Buffy) I'm going in.

You're coming back out.

Buffy...

Well, hey! Willow.

And Xander, right?
Jeez, what are the chances, huh?

Yeah, I was just passing by
and I thought I heard people inside.

You were just passing by
in your GI Joe outfit?

No offence, but you do look
wicked conspicuous.

I do?

Paintball. Yeah, I was playing paintball.
And then the aftershock...

- So, you're one of the commando guys, huh?
- Oh, no, no, no. Commando? No, I mean...

- Do I know you?
- Me? No.

(bad American accent) No, sir.
I'm just an old pal of Xander's here.

Oh. That's nice.

- It's kinda weird being back, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Everything seems so small.

And more charred and ruiny.

(knocking)

Come in.

- You never called, so I didn't know...
- Oh, hey, I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm a dead man. Secret. Highly.

Or it's supposed to be. And then you find out.
I can deal. You're special.

But last night was a disaster.
Could I have been less convincing?

I was trained to be sneaky and stuff
and I'm, like, "Hi. Paintball. Just passing by."

I should have given 'em
my security code and rank.

You have a security code and rank?

No. Did I just say...?

This is so not good.

Everybody knows about me. I'm finished.

It's the end of the world.

No... it's not.

What's this? Sittin' around watchin' the telly
while there's evil still afoot.

It's not very industrious of you.

I say we go out there
and kick a little demon ass!

What, can't go without your Buffy,
is that it? Too chicken?

Let's find her.
She is the Chosen One, after all.

Come on! Vampires! Rrr! Nasty!

Let's annihilate them. For justice and for...
the safety of puppies and Christmas, right?

Let's fight that evil!

Let's kill something!

(Spike) Oh, come on!

Visiontext Subtitles: Sally Lewis

Urgh! Argh!

ENGLISH SDH