Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 2, Episode 20 - Go Fish - full transcript

In every generation, there is a Chosen One,

She alone will stand against the vampires,
the demons and the forces of darkness,

She is the Slayer.

# Gilded ghetto

# Hollywood stained below

It's a stupid idea
to have a victory party at the beach.

It's officially nippy. So say my nips.

- I think it's festive. A party with nature.
- It's the team's choice. It was their victory.

Team? Swim team.

Hardly what I call a team. The Yankees.

Abbott and Costello. The A.
Now those were teams.



- Jealous?
- No! Yes, but "no" more than "yes".

I mean, look at that! Dodd McAlvy.
Last month he's the freak with jicama breath.

He wins a few meets
and inherits the cool gene?

Well, my cheerleading squad
wasted a lot of pep on losers.

It's time our school excelled at something.

- You're forgetting our high mortality rate.
- We're number one! Huh?

- Number one!
- One!

Beautiful!

Isn't it?

- Yeah. It's just so...
- Eternal.

A true mother, giving birth to new life
and devouring old.

Always adaptable and nurturing, yet...

..constant... and merciless.

Boy! I was just gonna go with big and wet.



Me and some guys on the team
come out here once a week to train.

See, we swim against the current.

Funny. That's how I feel most of the time.

So, Cameron Walker, you just won the state
semifinals. What are you going to do next?

I'm going to hang out with Buffy Summers.
Get to know her.

- Hey, pause that tape for a second.
- Hey, no pressure.

I just like being around you. That's all.

- Somebody help me!
- Yeah!

Jonny, you gotta hold your breath
longer than that to make the team!

Hey, somebody time him!

Hey!

Nice tat. What, they ran out of Tweety Bird?

- What's your problem?
- Had it coming to you, bro.

Chill, dude. A bunch of us are gonna take
a night dip down the beach. You in?

- Whatever.
- Hey, let's get you a towel.

No! Why don't you mind your own business?
I can handle this without your help.

See? It's fun to hang out with me.

Man, I can't believe Buffy.

Man, that girl gives me the creeps.

Oh, dude! What is that foulness?

Hey, Dodd!

Dude!

OK! Good pie charts, everyone.

Good.

- All good.
- Thanks!

Nice.

Good.

Gage. Your pie chart
is looking a lot like solitaire.

- With naked ladies on the cards.
- What's your point?

No point.

Nice work in yesterday's meet, son.
Now, let's go for it!

- Uh, hi there, sir.
- Rosenberg.

- How's the class? Everything in order?
- Well, actually...

Great. I've been talking to the board.

We're having trouble finding
a competent teacher this late in the term.

Can you continue subbing through finals?

Oh! Sure! I like teaching.

Isn't that nice?
You're a team player and I like that.

A team player wants everyone on the team
to succeed, wants everyone to pass.

Well, yeah. Sure.

I understand there's a problem
with Gage Petronzi.

Oh, good. Then you know. Well, yeah.

Besides the behaviour problem, he won't
do homework and his test scores are...

Well, actually he doesn't have any,
because he never shows up when we...

I'm not interested in any of that.

Why, when this school is about to win
its first state championship in 15 years...

..would you slap a member of that team with
a failing mark that would force his removal?

- Is that how you show your school spirit?
- Yes. Well, I mean... no.

I'm just trying to grade fairly.

Gage is a champion. He's under
more pressure than the other students.

And I think we need to cut him some slack.

You're asking me to change his grade?

I never said any such thing.

All I'm suggesting is...
that you recheck your figures.

And I think we'll find a grade more fitting
to an athlete of Gage's stature.

Perhaps something in a D?

Just like that?
He actually told you to alter his grade?

Exactly. Except for actually telling me to.

But he made it perfectly clear
of what he wasn't telling me.

That is wrong. A big fat spankin' wrong.

It's a slap in the face to everyone who studied
hard and worked long hours to earn our D's.

I know you like to be the voice
of the common wuss...

..but certain people are entitled
to special privileges - winners.

- That's the way the world works.
- What about "all men are created equal"?

Propaganda spouted
by the ugly and less deserving.

I think that was Lincoln.

- Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
- Actually, it was Jefferson.

- Kept slaves. Remember?
- Know what grates my cheese?

That Buffy's not here to share
my outrage about swim-team perks.

She's too busy being one of them,

I don't know, a dolphin.
A dolphin in the ocean.

Because, you know, when I'm in the vastness
of the ocean, it's... it's like I'm never alone.

You ever hear of a woman
named Gertrude Ederle?

No. No, I can't say that I have, Cam.

First woman to swim
the English Channel. Same thing.

I mean, she would talk to it.
She'd cary on entire conversations with it.

- Sometimes I do that. I mean, once I was...
- You know what, Cam? Thanks.

I'd... forgotten how nice it is to just talk...

..or, in my case, listen,
without any romantic pressure.

Hey, I'm not about pressure.
I just want you to be comfortable.

I'm comfy! I'm so comfy,
I'm nodding off, actually, which is why...

Are you wearing a bra?

What?

Come on. Tell me you haven't been
thinking about this ever since last night.

What I'm thinking about is
I should probably get out of this car.

- Relax. I'm not gonna hurt you.
- Oh, it's not me I'm worried about.

You like it rough!

Oh, you broke my nose! Agh!

I wasn't the attacker. I was the attacked.

That's not how it looked to me.

I don't know what happened. I mean, first
she leads me on, then she goes schizo on me.

- Lead you on? When did I lead you on?
- Oh, come on. Look at the way she dresses.

- Coach.
- How we doing, Cameron?

Coach Marin, how bad does it look?

Luckily, it's not broken, but sure as hell
it's gonna sting for a few days.

I mean our chances of winning
the state championship. Can we still do it?

I'm gonna need Cameron back at 110%.
He's my best swimmer now, with Dodd...

- What happened to Dodd?
- That's none of your concern.

You'd better hope his nose
heals before the meet this Friday.

Walker, hit the steam room as soon as
you're done here. Keep those sinuses clear.

- Take care of my boy, Ruthie.
- I always do.

And you, try to dress more appropriately
from now on. This isn't a dance club.

So I'm treated like the baddie just because
he has a sprained wrist and a bloody nose.

And I don't have a scratch on me.
Which hurts my case a little...

..but he gets away with it because
he's on the swim team who, by the way...

..have been acting like real jerks lately...

So, anything new with you guys?

Thank you for taking an interest.

Some remains were found on the beach
this morning. Some human remains.

- Dodd McAlvy's remains.
- Vampire?

No, he was eviscerated.
Nothing left but skin and cartilage.

In other words, this was no boating accident.

Something ripped him open
and ate out his insides?

Like an Oreo cookie.

Well, except for, you know,
without the chocolaty cookie goodness.

Yeah. Um, Principal Snyder has asked
the faculty to keep the news quiet for now...

- ..so as not to unduly upset students.
- For "students", read "swim team".

- So, we're looking for a beastie.
- That, uh, eats humans whole.

- Except for the skin.
- This doesn't make any sense.

- Yeah, the skin's the best part.
- Any demons with high cholesterol?

You'll think about that later, mister,
and you'll laugh.

OK, son. I think you've had enough.
Time to hit the shower.

Too much research. Need beverage.

Hey! Watch it!

Oh, forgive me, your swim teamliness.

- Loser!
- Liking the nose, Cam.

Good look for you.

Meaning what?

Meaning Buffy must not be
on your list of privileges after all.

Man, I love it when you guys mess with her.

You're lucky I'm hungry.

Oh, the cafeteria's closed.

Not to me.

God! What is that?

Grape. Orange.

Orange. Grape.

Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

No, no, no! The mouth's a lot bigger!

And downward. Like this.

With more teeth!

I'm doing the best I can.

Is that what you saw, Xander?

Yeah! I think so.

- Pretty much.
- Are you sure?

It was dark. It went through
the window so quick.

- I was a little shocked when I saw it, and...
- Go ahead. Say it. You ran like a woman.

- If you saw it, you'd run like a woman, too.
- Buffy was right.

According to statistics, Dodd and Cameron
were the best swimmers on the team.

First and second, so if my theory's correct...

..Gage Petronzi, the third-best swimmer,
would be the next item on the menu.

God! This is so sad. We're never
gonna win the state championship.

- I think I have lost all will to cheerlead.
- Raise your hand if you feel her pain.

If these killings aren't random,
someone's out for revenge.

And someone brought forth this sea monster
from whence it came to exact that revenge.

From whence it came?
I'm spending way too much time around you.

Who would hate the swim team
that much, though?

Besides me, I mean.

Willow?

Jonathan. He was bullied by Dodd
the other day on the beach, remember?

He did say he could
take care of things himself.

- It's a good call. You should question him.
- Really? Me? I'll crack him like an egg.

Meanwhile, I think swimmer number three
might benefit from your...

..watchful eye and protection -
discreetly, of course.

- I'm on it.
- What about me? What can I do?

Well, you could go out to the parking lot
and practise running like a man.

So, Jonathan.

You tried out for the swim team twice
and never made it?

I'm asthmatic. I couldn't keep up.

- You resented it, didn't you?
- Maybe.

You hated being pushed around
by Dodd and the others.

- So?
- So, you wanted revenge, didn't you?

Didn't you?

Yeah! OK? I did!

So... you delved into the black arts...

..and conjured up a hell beast from the
ocean's depths to wreak your vengeance.

- Didn't you?
- What? No!

I snuck in yesterday and...

..peed in the pool.

This is such a blow.

Sooner or later, the rest of my boys are
gonna find out. How can I ask them to swim?

It's a terrible, terrible tragedy.
We all feel your pain, Coach.

I don't know two finer boys
than Cameron and... that other one.

But I know they'd want their friends
to go on and win that state championship.

- It's time to think about the team.
- Hell, I don't have a complete team.

If we don't find someone by this afternoon's
tryouts, we won't be eligible to compete.

You'll find someone. All he has to do
is wear a bathing suit, right?

# We wouldn't have to go through this

# If you'd just let me finish

# Stop cuttin' and jumpin' ahead

# Yeah, if you'd just shut your pretty mouth

# You'd save yourself some tears

# If you came back from the bathroom

# With somethin' on your shoe

This "me and my shadow" act?

It's getting old. What do you want from me?

Well, um...

..it's a little embarrassing.
You see, I'm a swim groupie.

Oh... yeah!

You know, there's just something about
the smell of chlorine on a guy. Oh, baby!

OK! OK! OK!

Obviously, my sex appeal is on the fritz
today, so I'll just give it to you straight.

Something out there is making filets of
the populace and I think you might be next.

Uh-huh. And you think that because?

Well, it's already attacked.
It's already killed some people.

You're one twisted sister, you know that?
Cam told me about your games.

Go find someone else to harass.

What a psycho bitch! Man!

Gotta be talking about Buffy.

- How'd you know?
- Uh, she and I...

..had this thing once.
Biggest mistake of my life.

- Yeah, my condolences, dude.
- She's a real head-tripper.

Tell me about it.
Girl acts like she's God's gift.

- Who is she? The Chosen One?
- Exactly.

What she needs is for someone to really
knock her down off her notches.

- Yeah, that'd be sweet. Anyone in mind?
- You're in luck, my friend.

- Just so happens, I'm recruiting.
- No!

Somebody! Help!

Get him off me! Help!

Why, Miss Summers! You're beautiful!

Was that the thing that killed Cameron?

- No. That was something else.
- Something else?!

Yeah. Unfortunately, we have a lot
of something elses in this town.

Good night.

Hey!

Walk me home?

Swimmers! Take position!

Keep the stroking up. Keep it going.
Keep it going all the way to the end.

All the way to the end. Breathe deep.

Gage, are you with us or not?
Come on, let's go!

- He spit it out? I thought Angel liked blood.
- He used to.

Maybe his eyes were too big for his stomach.

Maybe there was something in Gage's blood
Angel didn't like. Say, for example, steroids.

- It would explain their behavioural changes.
- And their winning streak.

So maybe whatever's in their blood
is what's attracting this creature to them.

- Any luck researching?
- Zippo.

We couldn't find any sea demon
matching Xander's description.

Not that Chicken Little's
much of a witness, but...

Oh! Oh, my!

Now that, girls, is my kind of...

Xander?

Xander?!

What the hell are you doing here?

- I'm undercover.
- You're not under much.

Go, before someone sees you
impersonating a member of the swim team!

- I tried out for the team last night. I made it.
- Really?

Yeah. I can keep an eye on Gage
when Buffy can't.

When you're nude? I meant to say changing.

Harris! You can flirt on your own time.

Okey-dokey, coachie!

I'm dating a swimmer
from the Sunnydale swim team!

You can die happy.

- What about Jonathan? Is he involved?
- Oh, no. He just... sort of... peed in the pool.

Don't you guys get claustrophobic in here?
I mean, what's the deal?

You perspire a lot. You can't breathe.

Or read. I mean, I guess you could,
but the pages would probably get all wet.

You gotta love this undercover deal.
20 minutes in a hot room with sweaty guys.

- Where's Gage?
- Right behind me, putting his sneakers on.

Not the Velcro kind,
so give him a couple of extra minutes.

Tag. You're it.

Oh, my God!

Help me! Help me!

Help me!

Gage?

I don't think that this
is going to need stitches...

..but you might wanna have
your family physician take a look at it.

- How are you?
- I'm definitely feeling the burn.

Well, the good news is that it would appear
that none of your team actually died.

But the bad news is... they're monsters.

- How could this happen?
- Are you saying you don't know?

Well, you work so hard, you start to win
suddenly. You think it's just you.

You're inspiring the boys to greatness. But
in the back of your mind, you start to wonder.

You never asked any of the boys
if they were taking anything?

Maybe I was afraid to.

- There.
- Dodd McAlvy: torn tendon.

Gage Petronzi: fractured wrist,
depression, headaches.

- It's all there in the school medical records.
- All symptomatic of steroid abuse.

Is steroid abuse usually linked with
"Hey, I'm a fish"?

There must be something else in the mix.
But the point is, these boys were drugged.

Nurse Greenliegh treated every one of them.
She must have known.

If steroids are that dangerous,
why would they do that to themselves?

They needed to win. Winning equals trophies,
which equals prestige for the school.

You see how they're treated.

The discus throwers
got the best seats at crucifixions.

I'm breaking my nails
battling the forces of evil...

- ..and my teacher can't remember my name.
- What's the drill? Get Nurse Greenliegh?

- Let's throw the book at her!
- She probably went home. I think it can wait.

Xander, see if you can find out what they're
taking, or at least how they're taking it.

- Powders, pills, syringe?
- I'm "looking around guy".

- What about you?
- Giles loaded the tranquilliser gun.

We're going fishing.

I feel good!

Lovin' the swimmin'.

Had some carrot juice this morning.
A little wheat germ mixed in with it.

Woke me right up. Nothing like it, huh?

Breakfast of state champions. You betcha.

OK. So, when do we get our next dose?

- What do you mean?
- Who's carrying?

I need a little something to improve
my performance. Give me an edge. Rrr!

The steroids. Where are they?

- You're soakin' in it, bud.
- Huh?

Aromatherapy. It's in the steam.

This has got to stop, Carl.
Those poor children.

Are you a quitter?
No room for quitters in this team.

Do you understand what's happening?
Listen to yourself.

I'm very close to perfecting this.
We just need to adjust the mix.

Carl.

You can't be thinking
of continuing to expose these boys.

They're gonna be the best.
I don't accept anything less.

They're gonna be monsters.

Carl, please. Don't make it any worse.
You've already lost three.

Lost? Why, they're not lost.

- Carl! What are you doing?!
- I'm just looking after my boys.

They may be out of the game right now,
but they're still a team.

And a team's gotta eat.

- Carl!
- You quitter.

They're absorbing the steroid mixture
through the steam.

Not they. We,

Me!

We need to find an antidote, don't you think?
The clock is ticking!

I wouldn't break out the tartare sauce yet.

It's not like you were exposed
more than once.

- Twice?
- Three times a fish guy.

- What am I gonna do?
- You, you, you!

What about me? It's one thing
to date the lame unpopular guy...

..but another to date
the creature from the Blue Lagoon.

Black Lagoon. The creature
from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields.

And thank you so much for your support!

We'd better find the rest of the team and lock
them up before they find their inner halibut.

Yes. Yes, good. Uh, we also need to know
exactly what's in this, this steroid gas...

..so that the hospital's toxicology lab
can develop an antidote.

- I'll talk to Nurse Greenliegh.
- You're getting into this interrogation thing.

The trick is not to leave any marks.

On that note, I think I'm gonna
go have a little talk with our coach.

Somehow, I doubt all he's been giving
these boys is inspiration.

- You got some imagination.
- Well, right now, I'm imagining you in jail.

You're in an orange suit,
and the guards are beating you up.

- You don't have any proof.
- Tell me what's in the steam.

After the fall of the Soviet Union...

..documents came into light...

..detailing experiments with fish DNA
on their Olympic swimmers.

Tarpon... mako shark...

- But they couldn't crack it.
- And you did...

..sort of. Why?

What kind of question is that? For the win!

To make my team the best they could be!

Do you understand we have a shot
at the state championship?

Do you understand that I don't care?
It's over. There's no swim team.

Boy, when they were handing out school
spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did you?

No. I was in the line for shred of sanity.

Which you obviously skipped.

Get in the hole!

In! Now!

- This isn't over.
- In!

You think I don't care about my boys.
But I do. They count on me.

So, what, you're gonna feed me to 'em?

Oh, they've already had their dinner.

But boys have other needs.

No one. Willow and Giles
must've rounded up the swim team.

- Does my neck look scaly?
- Of course it looks scaly...

- ..the way you've been rubbing it dry.
- I need to look in a mirror. Wait here.

But feel free to come in
if you hear me scream.

Any gills yet?

Xander, what are you doing? Xander?

Oh, my God! Xander!

It's me - Cordelia.

I know you can't answer me, but...

God, this is all my fault.

You joined the swim team to impress me.

You were so courageous.
And you looked really hot in those Speedos.

And I want you to know that I still
care about you, no matter what you look like.

And... and we can still date.

Or, or not. I mean...
I understand if you wanna see other fish.

I'll do everything I can
to make your quality of life better.

Whether that means
little bath toys or whatever.

Uh, Cordy? That's not me.

Aargh! Oh, my God!

In you go.

Stay calm, chaps.

Either we'll find
an effective antidote, or, or, uh...

Just stay calm.

- Everyone's accounted for except Sean.
- We can safely say we found Sean.

He was in the pool skinless-dipping.

- Where's Buffy?
- She hasn't come back yet.

Great. This is just what my reputation needs:
that I did it with the entire swim team.

- What's up, Coach?
- Oh, Harris. Uh...

- How you feeling?
- A little dry.

Nothing a lemon butter sauce won't cure.

Where's Buffy?

Buffy, hurry! Your hand!

Hold on!

Hold on!

- Thanks.
- Just doing my part for our team.

Aargh! Don't let go!

Hold me! Hold me! Aargh!

Grab my hand!

Boys... Boys, uh, now... Now, boys...

No. I...

Those boys really love their coach.

I gotta take a make-up chem test at three.

And then I'm meeting some of the guys
for plasma transfusions at five.

- It's turned into quite the busy afternoon.
- The fun never stops with you.

Giles seems confident
that the treatments are gonna work.

Turning into a creepy-crawly wasn't on my
top ten list of things to do before I turn 20.

I want you to know that
you've really proven yourself to me.

You don't have to join the new team
next year if you don't want.

I'd be just as happy if you played football.

The... people from Animal Control
have just left.

Our creatures have apparently
made a, a dash for it. Um, so to speak.

Does that mean we have to hunt them again?

No, I don't think so.
I don't think we'll see them any more.

- Where do you think they'll go?
- Home.