Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 2, Episode 12 - Bad Eggs - full transcript

In every generation, there is a Chosen One,

She alone will stand against the vampires,
the demons and the forces of darkness,

She is the Slayer.

- Come on, Mom. Please?
- I'm sorry, honey.

- Don't you know how important this is?
- It's an outfit.

An outfit that you may never buy.

- But... I looked good in it.
- You looked like a streetwalker.

But a thin streetwalker.

That's probably not the winning argument.

- You're just too young to wear that.
- Too young till I'm too old to wear it.

That's the idea!



The stores are closing and I still need
to order the flyers for the opening.

OK. I'll go to the printers,
and then get our food.

You go to the tailor and pick up my outfit
from Everyday Woman.

"Everyday Woman"? Why didn't you
just go to Muumuus R Us?

Do now. Make fun of your mother later.

Turn around. I've somethin' to show ya.

Wait a sec. This is my high score.

Well, ain't you just got
the prettiest little neck I ever did see?

Boy! You guys really never come up
with any new lines, do you?

Do you mind? We were talking here.

But you promised
you'd never cheat on me again, honey.

- Um... I'd better go.
- But I ain't done yet.

All right, sugar lips.

Giddyup.



Oh, you're a rough one,
ain't ya? I like that.

You must be that slayer
I've been hearin' so much about.

Lyle Gorch. Pleased to meet ya.

The pleasure's mine.

This ain't over.

Oh, sure. They say they'll call...

Oh, bliss. Mall food.

- Buffy?
- Mom?

- Where's my dress?
- Your dre...

- Oh... Oh, God.
- Let me guess.

- You were distracted by a boy.
- Technically.

- Buffy!
- Look, I can go get it right now.

They're closed.
I'll just have to fit it in tomorrow.

- Sorry.
- A little responsibility is all I ask.

Don't you ever think about
anything besides boys and clothes?

Saving the world from vampires?

I swear, sometimes I don't know
what goes on in your head.

Xander...

It's just that... I'm worried
we're gonna miss class.

This would work a lot better
for me if you didn't talk.

Well, it'd work a lot better for me
with the lights off.

Are you saying that you can't look at me
when we do... whatever it is we do?

No, it's not that I can't.
It's just more... I don't want to.

Great. That's just dandy.
We're repulsed by each other.

- We hide from our friends...
- Well, I should hope so. Please!

All in all, this is not
a big self-esteem booster.

Tell me about it. Just look at you.
And where did you get those shoes?

- OK. You know what? I don't need this.
- Ditto. Like a hole in the head.

S-E-X. Sex.

The sex drive in the human animal is intense.

How many of us
have lost countless productive hours...

..plagued by unwanted
sexual thoughts and feelings?

- Yes.
- That was a rhetorical question, Mr Harris...

..not a poll.

Of course, for teenagers such as yourselves,
these feelings are even more overwhelming.

With all sorts of hormones surging through
your bodies, compelling you to action...

..it's often difficult to remember that there are
negative consequences to... having sex.

Would anyone care to
offer one such consequence?

That depends. Are you talking about
sex in the car, or out of the car?

Because I have a friend - not me - that
was in a Miata parked on top of the hill...

I was thinking of something
more commonplace.

You wanna talk negative consequence?
What about halitosis?

A girl may seem spiffy, but if she ignores her
flossing, the bloom is definitely off the rose.

Like that compares to kissing a guy who
thinks the Hoover technique is a big turn-on!

What about having to feign interest in
her vapid chitchat just to get some touch?

Now, another consequence
of sexual activity? Anyone, uh, else?

How about pregnancy?
That would be a major one, right?

Thank you.

Among teens, unwanted pregnancy is the
No.1 negative consequence of sexual activity.

So, as discussed last week,
I present you with... your offspring.

You will split into parenting teams...

..sharing equally in the daily task
of raising your egg.

Please choose a partner
and come pick up your children.

You wanna have a baby?

Hey. Ha-ha-ha. I know we just met,
but isn't that Xander Junior you're holding?

Buffy, how come you weren't in class?

Vampire issues.
Did Mr Whitmore notice I was tardy?

- The word you're searching for is "absent".
- Tardy people show.

- Right.
- And yes, he did notice...

..so he wanted me to give you this.

As far as punishments go,
this is fairly abstract.

- No! It's your baby.
- OK, I get it even less.

It's the "sex leads to responsibility" thing,
which I don't get.

You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby.
Teach it Christian values.

- My egg is Jewish.
- Then teach it that dreidel song.

I can't do this. I can't take care of things.

I killed my Giga Pet. Literally.
I sat on it and it broke.

You'll do fine.

What stresses me is,
when do we tell them they're adopted?

I'll just lay that one off
on my partner. Who'd I get?

Well, there were an uneven number
of students, and you didn't show, so...

- I'm a single mother?
- No man of her own.

Do you know what this says about me?
That I'm doomed to lead my mother's life.

- How deeply scary is that?
- How about this?

It says nothing, it means nothing.
This egg experiment is completely pointless.

Success at last!

Your playmate is
a fellow of repute, it seems.

It's, erm, Lyle Gorch. And that's
his brother, Tector. They're from Abilene.

They made their reputation by massacring
an entire Mexican village in 1886.

- Friendly little demons.
- That was before they became vampires.

But, erm... the good news is that they're
not amongst the great thinkers of our time.

I doubt if they're up to much - just
drawn here by the Hellmouth's energy.

- I propose Buffy slays them. All in favour?
- Aye.

I don't think you should underestimate them.
I mean, you may need to have some help if...

- Why do you all have eggs?
- Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you.

Yes, that's not a bad idea.
Strength in numbers.

All right. I see a lot of hunting
getting done in that scenario.

Please. Like Angel and I are just
helpless slaves to passion. Grow up.

- We really...
- I know.

You know, this isn't hunting
in the classical sense. We should....

You're right.

- OK.
- OK.

- You see anything?
- No.

- OK... Enough hunting.
- Yeah.

- That the Slayer?
- Yep.

- Ain't that Angelus with her?
- Yep.

Well, how come she ain't slayin'?
And how come he's about to make me blush?

I don't know, Tector. And how come you're
always askin' me so many stupid questions?

So, you wanna take him,
or, uh... you want me to, Lyle?

I say we leave it. Wait till she's alone.

Why? You scared?

No. I could whip 'em both
right now if I wanted to.

Then why don't ya?

Cos I got me a plan. I'm the one
that does the thinkin', remember?

Yeah. You do the thinkin', Lyle.
That is definitely your department.

So why don't you tell me again
why we can't kill 'em now?

OK, little egg dude. Let's see...

Feeding... Check.

Burping... Urgh. Check.

Diapers... Sort of. In theory, I guess.

OK.

Good night, Egbert.

I'm tired of rat. How come
we can't stay in a nice place?

A motel or somethin'. Maybe...
maybe one with an ice machine.

Cos we got to keep a low profile till
we get this slayer business taken care of.

Well, how come Angelus is
gettin' all cuddly with her, Lyle?

I mean, does the man have no code?

Tector?

Are you gonna pester me
with questions all damn day?

I just don't like it here. There ain't
a decent whore in the whole city limits.

So this is the thanks I get?

Well...

Don't I take care of ya?
Didn't I near raise you myself?

Hm? Maybe I shoulda left you
on that doorstep when Momma blew town.

Don't say that, Lyle.

- Now I'm takin' care of this.
- You afraid of the girl?

I'm just playin' it safe.

We're just gonna follow her around
a little while, find our time.

- Cos this ain't over.
- I think you are afraid of the Slayer.

All right. I'm gonna beat you
like a redheaded stepchild.

- Throw your ass out in that sunlight.
- You think you can?

Giddyup, son.

Ohh... Oh, God.

- Eat something if you're gonna drink that.
- Not that hungry.

- How's the parenting going?
- Fine.

Are you sure your egg is secure in that?

Did I ask for back-seat mommying?

- Are we a little touchy this morning?
- No. I just feel all funky.

Hm... You don't have a fever.

Oh, no, it's not that.
I just... I didn't sleep well.

What's the matter?
Your egg keep you up all night?

You're killing me. Parenting's a pain.

Wait till it starts dating.

Oh! Why are you three hanging about?

- Don't you have classes to go to?
- Teen Health got cancelled.

Mr Whitmore is ab. He couldn't
find an egg-sitter or somethin'.

- Can you give me a hand?
- No.

Sure.

How did the, erm... hunt go last night, Buffy?

No go.

Er... no, you didn't go,
or... or you were unsuccessful?

No Gorches.

Buffy has decided the problem with English
is all those pesky words.

"You." "Angel." "Big." "Smoochies."

Shut. Up.

It's true, Buffy. You and Willow
do seem a little sluggish.

- Maybe something we ate.
- Or perhaps it's the burden of parenthood.

Notice how seriously
you take this egg thing.

While I have, uh... well,
chosen a more balanced approach.

- Xander!
- That's what I'm talkin' about.

You can't stress over every little thing.
A child picks up on that.

Which is a one-way ticket to Neurotic City.

It didn't break. How come it didn't break?

Another secret to conscientious egg care.
Pot of scalding water and about 8 minutes.

- You boiled your young?
- Yeah.

Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

You can bet that little Xander
is thick-skinned now.

Technically, that would be cheating, yes?

No. It's like a shortcut.
You know, when you run a race?

- That would also be cheating.
- You should be ashamed.

I suppose there is a Machiavellian
ingenuity to your transgression.

I resent that!

Or possibly thank you.

It figures you three would be in the dungeon
while something major's going on.

And what would that be, Cordelia?
Barrette Appreciation Day?

- Mr Whitmore didn't show today.
- That news is of the past.

He's missing.

- Presumed dead.
- Presumed by whom?

Well, me.

I think we should give him a few hours
before we give up on him.

I think we should look around.
Don't you, Xander?

- It can wait.
- Well, his body could fall out of a closet.

So we should check some closets
to see if he's in... a closet?

You're right.
There could be a closet. Let's go.

You guys look for more clues.
We'll meet back here.

- We'll get right on it.
- Are they getting weirder?

Have you noticed the weirdness of them?

They're weird. Should I have guilt
about not looking for Mr Whitmore?

I'd rather you conserve your strength
for hunting the Gorches.

I'll be fine by tonight.
Maybe I'll sweep the cemetery.

- Be careful. If you're still feeling sluggish...
- No worries.

- And Angel's helping you, right?
- He does what he can.

As much as I hate to say this,
we should really go kill bad guys.

It's late. You should get home.

- What about the Gorches?
- I'll hunt.

Really? You'd do that?

It's not like I have an early day tomorrow.

True. I still have to go home
and fill out my egg diary.

- Your what?
- Oh, that faux parenting gig we're doing.

Like I'm really planning
to have kids anytime soon.

Maybe someday in the future,
when I'm done having a life.

But right now, kids would be
a little too much to deal with.

I wouldn't know.

I don't...

Well, you know, I can't.

Oh... That's OK. Um...

I figured there were all sorts
of things vampires can't do...

..like work for the telephone company,
or volunteer for the Red Cross...

..or... have little vampires.

So you don't think about the future?

- No.
- Never?

No.

You really don't care what happens
a year from now? Five years from now?

Angel, when I look into the future...

..all I see is you.

All I want is you.

I know the feeling.

Hello? Is anybody in here?

- Come on, pick up.
- Hello?

- Willow, are you OK?
- Why shouldn't I be?

- Your egg. Is it doing anything?
- Doing what?

Break it. Right now.
Smash it with something heavy.

- Buffy, what...
- My egg. It went postal on me!

It hatched this creepy-crawly thing.
It attacked me!

- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine. But your egg...

Is totally normal. I put it in the fridge.

Oh...

Maybe it's a trap. Something
the Gorch brothers planted for you?

Maybe. Yeah. Uh... I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have woken you. Go back to sleep.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm... better.

I'm... I'm fine.

OK. I'll see you tomorrow.

What's going on in here?

Buffy, who are you talking to at this...
Why are you dressed?

Where are you going
at this hour of the night?

- Nowhere.
- Who was that on the phone?

Um... Willow.
She wasn't feeling well today...

..so I was calling
to make sure she was feeling better.

- You're gonna have to do better than that.
- I had a bad dream?

No, you're about to have a bad dream -
that you're grounded for the rest of your life.

Which means... no after-school socialising,
no Bronze, no nothing. Not until I say so.

- Understand?
- Yeah, but I think you...

School ends at 2:30.
I want you to go to the library at 2:33...

..and study until
I pick you up there at 5:30. Understood?

- Yeah.
- Good. Have a nice day.

Nice bear. Listen, is your...

Hey, my father brought this bear
back from Gstaad years ago.

Then trendoids start sporting them,
so I'm totally not wearing it.

Then I thought "Hey, I'm the one who
started this craze. What am I ashamed of?"

OK, Soliloquy Girl.
I just wanted to ask about your egg.

- My egg?
- Yeah, your egg.

- The one Mr Whitmore gave you.
- It's in my bear.

So... your egg isn't acting odd or anything?

It isn't "acting" anything.
It's an egg, Buffy. It doesn't emote.

- Shanice! Is that your real hair?
- Yeah.

Hey.

Hi.

Mm. Cardboardy!

Sorry, Junior, but a man's gotta eat.

So was there any more
hatchling activity last night?

No. You were probably right.
It was just a trap the vamps set for me.

And... everyone else's eggs
seem perfectly normal.

- Did you bring the thing that attacked you?
- Yeah. Giles wants to see it.

He's in full research mode.

OK. Well, bring it to the science lab,
and I'll get Giles and we'll analyse it.

Great. You know, I always say
that a day without an autopsy...

..is like a day without sunshine.

Hey.

Can I just say... gyeurgh!

- I see your gyeurgh, and raise you a nyargh.
- What is it?

We don't know what it is.
That's why we're here. Capeesh?

"Capeesh"? What,
are you world traveller now?

- Hey, where's Giles?
- He said to get started.

He'll be by as soon as possible.

So, OK. Get started, Buffy.
Dissect it or something.

- Me? Why do I have to dissect it?
- Because you're the Slayer.

- And I slayed. My work here is done.
- Oh, no! I almost ate one of these things.

I fulfilled my gross-out quota for the decade.

- Guys!
- Do we even know what to look for?

How do we figure out what this thing is?

Maybe we missed its ID bracelet.

Now we know
what happened to Mr Whitmore.

- He saw this and ran away?
- Try "best-case scenario".

It's possible that
Mr Whitmore wasn't harmed.

Maybe the offspring used him
to return to the mother bezoar.

- Yeah. Maybe he... What?
- What's a bezo...

Cordy! What...

Buffy?

- Hello?
- Hello.

Oh! Mr Giles. Hi.

I was looking for Buffy.
She was supposed to wait for me here.

She hasn't been in. I've been waiting
to talk to her myself about... history texts.

- That is just the last straw.
- I'm sure she didn't mean to...

She never means to, but somehow
she always manages to anyway.

- Do you have children, Mr Giles?
- Erm...

- Should I be whispering?
- No!

And no, I- I haven't any children.

Although, er... sometimes I feel
as though I do, working here.

They can be such a...
Oh, I don't want to say "burden", but...

- Actually, I kind of do want to say "burden".
- Feel free.

- Oh, they're just so irresponsible.
- Sometimes.

"Bristow's Demon Index"?.
"Hell's Offspring"?.

A hobby of mine. But having
nothing to do with Buffy in any way.

Erm... you say Buffy told you
that she'd be here - all afternoon?

Well, yes. Is something wrong?

No. I'm sure it's nothing.

- What was that?
- Probably the janitor.

Hey! Xander. Hey!

You all right?

Last time Cordy dragged me
in here, it was a lot nicer.

- What?
- Huh? Nothing.

Uh, crazy talk. Head trauma.

Tell me about it. I'm gonna have a big bump.

Uh, I'm gonna have a peninsula... here.

What... What the hell's goin' on?
Cordy and Willow...?

Something to do with
the hatchlings, I'm sure of it.

What, are they possessed?

I don't know.
But they sure wanted us out of the way.

Why not kill us? Why, uh...
why drag us in here?

Back now.

Thank you. Ohh!

- Giles!
- Giles! He must be out somewhere.

- Well, he picked a hell of a time to get a life.
- What do we do?

- Nothing till we know something about 'em.
- Willow said something - a name.

- What was it?
- A bozo!

- Not a bozo.
- A bezoar.

That's it! OK. So now... we look it up?

- In what?
- A book?

Giles said he was gonna
try to find something...

And I'd say he found something.

I'd say something found him.

"Pre-prehistoric parasite. The mother
hibernates underground, laying eggs."

"The offspring then attach themselves
to a host through neural clamping."

"Neural clamping"? That sounds skippable.

So people are taking orders
from the momma bezoar.

- Which begs the question...
- What does Momma want?

Somebody help me! Get this thing
off me! Get this thing off me!

Help!

- Are you OK?
- I'm fine. I slipped.

- I think I hear Mommy calling...
- Uh-huh.

- Do we really wanna go in there?
- We really don't.

Careful.

What are they diggin' up?

Oh, boy.

- We can't let them spread those eggs.
- I'll handle it. Can you hold down the fort?

I'm gonna need a weapon.
I'm gonna need a big weapon.

Yeah.

- I told you this weren't over.
- She's so cute, and little.

- D'you think we can keep her?
- Guys, this really isn't a great time.

Oh, it's gonna be.

Hey! That's my brother!

What the hell is this?

Mom?

Kill them.

What the hell is goin' on?

Long story.

Cordelia! I don't want to hurt you...
some of the time.

That's my bump!

Well, all right!

Well, lookee there!

Well, hello.

Tector!

Tector?

- This is all your fault.
- How?

All right. It's over.

Yes... it was a... a gas leak, everyone.

But just, er... get some air...
and, er... a good night's rest, you know.

You'll be fine. These gas things... will happen.

- What was it really?
- Stick with gas. I'll fill you in tomorrow.

Right.

How you guys doin'?

- Did I really hit you?
- You knocked me out.

- Did I hit you?
- Yes! Everyone hit me.

Good. Well, I don't mean good because
I hit you, but I didn't want to be left out.

- How is she?
- A bit confused, but... it's goin' around.

- Are you OK?
- Buffy, I was worried. There was a gas leak.

Yeah, I just heard. I was in the gym.

- I went looking for you in the library.
- I was on my way there when...

I thought I made it clear that
you weren't to leave the library till I came.

- The other side of that is...
- I'm not really interested in the other side.

Young lady, you have to learn
some responsibility, OK? Once and for all.

- I'm grounded?
- You're already grounded!

Until further notice,
you are confined to your room.

You will not leave your room at any time
except to go to school or the bathroom.

- Am I making myself clear?
- You're clear. I... won't leave my room.

You're damn right, you won't.

- You sure you're not gonna get in trouble?
- Hey. I earned this.

Besides, I'm not breaking any rules.

Buffy? Are you going to bed?

In a minute.