Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 2, Episode 10 - What's My Line?: Part 2 - full transcript

OK. One more time. You're the who?

I'm the Slayer.

Nice cover story, but here's a tip.

- Try it on someone who's not the real Slayer.
- You can't stop me.

Even if you kill me,
another slayer will be sent to take me place.

Stop with the slayer thing! I'm the Slayer!

Nonsense. There is but one...

..and I am she.

OK...

Scenario...

You back off. I'll back off.



But you promise not to go all wiggy until
we can go to my watcher and figure this out.

Wiggy?

You know... no kicko, no fighto.

I accept your scenario.

So... you were sent here?

Yes. By my watcher.

- To do what exactly?
- To do my duty.

I'm here to kill vampires.

Your watcher is Sam Zabuto, you say?

Yes, sir.

We've never met. He's very well respected.

What? So he's a real guy, as in non-fictional?

- And you are called...?
- I am the Vampire Slayer.

We got that part, honey.
He means your name.



They call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir.

- Can you say stuck in the '80s?
- Buffy, please.

There's obviously some misunderstanding.

Hey!

- Identify yourself!
- Back off, Pink Ranger!

- This is my friend.
- Friend?

Yeah. As in person you hang with? Amigo?

I don't understand.

You try. I'm tapped.

Kendra, there are a few people - civilians,
if you like - who know Buffy's identity.

Willow is one of them.
They also spend time together... socially.

- And you allow this, sir?
- Well, uh...

But the Slayer must work
in secret, for security.

Of course. But with Buffy, however, it's, um...

Some flexibility is required.

- Why?
- Hi, guys. What's goin' on?

Apparently, there's been a really big mix-up.

It seems somehow that another slayer
has been sent to Sunnydale.

Is that even possible?
I mean, two slayers at the same time?

Not to my knowledge. Um... The new slayer is
only called after the previous slayer has died.

Good Lord.

- You were dead, Buffy.
- I was only gone for a minute.

Clearly that doesn't matter.

You were physically dead, thus causing
the activation of the next slayer.

- She died?
- Just a little.

She drowned. She was revived.

So there really are two of them.

It would seem so. This is completely
unprecedented. I'm quite flummoxed.

What's the flum? It's a mistake.
She shouldn't be here. She goes home.

Look, I don't mean this personally,
but I'm not dead...

..and, frankly, having you around
creeps me out a bit.

I cannot just leave.
I was sent here for a reason.

Mr Zabuto said all the signs indicate that a
very dark power's about to rise in Sunnydale.

And what's your plan for fighting this dark
power? You gonna attack people randomly?

Of course not.

- Then why the hell did you attack me?
- I thought you were a vampire.

- A swing and a miss for the rookie.
- I had good reason to think you were.

- Did I not see you kissing a vampire?
- Buffy would never do that!

Oh... Except for sometimes you do that.

But only with Angel... Right?

Yes. Right.

Look, you saw me with Angel
and he is a vampire, but he's good.

Angel? You mean Angelus?

I've read about him. He is a monster.

No, no, no. He's good now.

Really!

- He had a Gypsy curse.
- He has a what?

Just trust me on this one, OK?
He's on the home team now.

I cannot believe you. He looked to me
just like another animal when I...

When you what?

What did you do to him?

- I...
- What did you do?

Here you go, friend.

He'll be as good as new in a day or so.
Wait, wait, wait... We had a deal, right?

What's the matter, Willy? Don't you trust me?

Oh, yeah. Like a brother.

Talk, and I'll have your guts for garters.

Wild horses couldn't drag it.

Oops!

Sorry, friend.

- What are you gonna do with him anyway?
- I'm thinkin'... maybe dinner and a movie.

Don't want to rush into anything.
I've been hurt, you know.

Do you have anything in raisin?

I know you wouldn't think so,
but I'm both a winter and a summer.

$9.99, tax included.

You said that already.
Do you have anything in the berry family?

- Are there more ladies in the house?
- Oh, no. They're not home.

You know, nothing personal, but maybe
you should look into selling dictionaries or...

..some...

- Hey, what's up?
- He's a salesman and he was just leaving.

- Uh... OK. Bye-bye. Thank you.
- OK, Mary Kay. Time to...

Time to run!

Find something to cover
the crack under the door!

Here! I don't do worms!

Cover me.

Angel!

- No ashes.
- What?

When a vampire combusts, he leaves ashes.

- Yeah, I know the drill.
- So I did not kill him.

And I don't need to kill you.

Whoa! There's a lot of tension in this room.

- Don't you say hello where you come from?
- This one is dirty! I can feel it!

That's good for you, Percepto Girl, but we'll
get nothing out of him if he's unconscious.

- Where's Angel?
- My buddy Angel? You think I'd let him fry?

I saved him in the nick.
He was close to being a crispy critter.

- Where'd he go?
- He said he was gonna stay underground.

You know... recuperate.

Are you telling the truth?

I swear on my mother's grave...
should she die, God forbid.

Then he is all right. We can return
to your watcher for our orders.

I don't take orders. I do things my way.

- No wonder you died.
- Let's go.

I... I have to ask. Has either of you girls
considered modelling?

I have a friend with a camera.
Strictly high-class nude work.

You know, art photographs, but naked.

You don't have to answer right away.

I was dreaming.

Of what, pet?

We were in Paris. You had a branding iron.

I brought you something.

And there were worms in my baguette.

Your sire, my sweet.

- Angel?
- The one and only.

Now all we need is the full moon tonight.

And he will die and you will be
fully restored, my black goddess.

My ripe, wicked plum.

- It's been...
- For ever.

Spike, let me have him. Mm?

Until the moon.

All right. You can play...

..but don't kill him.
He mustn't die till the ritual.

Bring him to me.

You've been a very bad daddy.

Kendra, I've conferred with
your watcher, Mr Zabuto.

We both agree that until this matter
with Spike and Drusilla is resolved...

- ..you two should work together.
- Oh, that'll be a treat.

So you believe that Spike is attempting
to revive this Drusilla to health.

Yes, well, I think that's the dark power
that your watcher referred to.

You see, Drusilla's not only evil.
She's also quite mad.

If she was restored to her health, then...
well, there's no telling what she might do.

- Then we will stop Spike.
- Good plan! Let's go! Charge!

- Buffy...
- It's a little more complicated, John Wayne.

Yes, it is. Spike has also called out the Order
of Taraka to keep Buffy out of the way.

The assassins? I read of them
in the writings of Dramius.

- Oh, really? Which volume?
- I believe it was six, sir.

- Um... How do you know all this?
- From my studies.

So obviously you have a lot of free time.

I study because it is required.
The Slayer Handbook insists on it.

- There's a slayer handbook?
- Handbook? How come I don't have one?

Is there a T-shirt too? Cos that would be cool.

After meeting you, Buffy, I realised that the
handbook would be of no use in your case.

What do you mean "of no use in my case"?
What's wrong with my case?

Kendra, perhaps you could show me where in
Dramius 6 it refers to the Order of Taraka?

I could never get through
that book - a bit stodgy!

It was difficult. All those footnotes...

Welcome to Planet Pocket Protector.

Oh, uh... Buffy, Principal Snyder
was snooping round after you.

Ew... Career fair.

- Best make an appearance, I think.
- Right.

- Buffy's a student here?
- Yes.

Right. Of course.
And I imagine she's a cheerleader as well.

Oh, no. She had to give up her cheerleading.
It was quite an amusing story actually...

Let's go and find the book, shall we?

- Get a load of the she-Giles.
- Creepy!

I bet Giles wishes I was more of a book geek.

Giles is enough of a book geek
for the both of you.

Yeah, but did you see how they were vibing?
"Volume 6. Ha-ha-ha!"

Buffy, no one could replace you.
You'll always be Giles' favourite.

I wonder.

Of course you will.
You're his slayer. The real Slayer.

No...

I wonder if it would be so bad,
being replaced.

- You mean, like, letting Kendra take over?
- Maybe.

Maybe after this thing
with Spike and the assassins...

..I could say "Kendra, you slay.
I'm going to Disneyland."

But not for ever, right?

No. Disneyland would get boring
after a few months.

But I could do other stuff. Career day stuff.

Maybe I could even have a normal life.

Could you sit down?
You're makin' me queasy.

You're just sitting there!
You should think up a plan.

- I have a plan. We wait. Buffy saves us.
- How will she know where to find us?

Cordelia, this is Buffy's house.
Odds are she'll find us.

What if she doesn't? Am I going to
waste away down here with you?

- No, thank you.
- What are you doin'?

- Going to see if he's gone!
- What if he isn't?

Right! So we should just slack here and
hope somebody else decides to be a hero?

Sorry. Forgot I was stranded with a loser!

And I'm stuck with the numb-brain that
let Mr Mutant inside in the first place!

He looked normal!

Is he supposed to have
"assassin" over his head?!

All it took was the chance of a free makeover
and you licked his hand like a dumb dog!

You know what? I'm going.

I'd rather be worm food
than look at your face!

- Then go. I'm not stoppin' ya.
- I bet you wouldn't.

I bet you'd let a girl go off
to her doom all by herself.

Not just any girl. You're special.

I can't believe that I'm spending what will
probably be my last few moments with you!

I hope these are my last moments. Three
more seconds with you and I'm gonna...

- I'm gonna what, coward?
- Moron.

- I hate you!
- I hate you!

We so need to get outta here.

He's gone.

Oh, my God! My God! Get them off of me!

Just get them off! Get them off of me!

Oh, my God! Get them off...

OK, OK! Let's get out of here! Xander, let's go!

OK? Let's go!

My tests say that I should look into
law enforcement... and environmental design.

Environmental design.
That's landscaping, right?

I checked the shrub box.

But landscaping was yesterday,
so law enforcement it is.

Will, don't look, OK? No, don't look. That
guy over there is totally checking you out.

Oh, that's Oz. He's expressing
computer nerd solidarity.

Really? Then why is he
on his way over right now?

Told you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Your hair is brown.
- Oh, yeah, sometimes.

So did you decide? Are you gonna be
a corporate computer suit guy?

Oh... Oh, well, I think I'm gonna
finish high school first.

What about you?

I'm not really a computer person, you know,
or a work-of-any-kind person.

- Then why did they select you?
- Well, I sorta test well...

..which is cool, except then it leads to jobs.

- Don't you have some ambition?
- Oh, yeah. E flat diminished ninth.

- Huh?
- Well, the E flat, it's doable...

..but it's that diminished ninth, you know...
it's a man's chord. You could lose a finger.

All right, listen up
and answer when I call your name!

Buffy Summers?

- Get down!
- Look out!

He's... He's shot! Are you OK?

Yeah... I'm shot, you know! Wow!

It's odd... and painful.

She's gone.

Was that a demonstration?

She was definitely in the Taraka gang,
and way gun-happy.

This, um... Oz chappie, he's all right?

The paramedic said it was only a scrape.
Thank goodness.

Down, girl!

Who sponsored career day today?
The British soccer fan association?

We had a rather violent visit
from the Order of Taraka.

You wanna talk Order of Taraka?
We just met the king freak of the... Hello!

Oh, forgive me.
Xander, Cordelia, this is Kendra.

It's rather complicated,
but she's also a slayer.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

A slayer, huh?

I knew this "I'm the only one" thing
was just an attention-getter.

Just say hello, Xander.

Welcome.

So, you're a slayer, huh?
I like that in a woman.

I hope...

I thank you... I mean, sir, um...

I will be of service.

Great! Good. It's good to be a giver.

Xander, this assassin you encountered,
what did he look like?

Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! I'm showering!

- Like that.
- You and bug people, Xander.

- What's up with that?
- This was different to Praying Mantis Lady.

He was a man of bugs,
not a man who was a bug.

The main thing is everybody's all right.
It's apparent that we're under serious attack.

These Taraka are definitely serious.

Fortunately, so is Kendra.

I fear the worst is to come. I've discovered
the remaining keys to Drusilla's cure.

The ritual requires her sire and it must be
in a church on the night of the new moon.

- The new moon? But that is tonight.
- Exactly!

I'm sure the assassins were here to kill Buffy
before she could put a stop to things.

They need Drusilla's sire.
You mean the vamp that made her?

Yes.

Buffy, what is it?

Angel. He's Drusilla's sire.

Man, that guy got major neck in his day!

Will this ritual kill him?

Yes, I'm afraid it will.

We need to find
where this ritual will take place.

Agreed. We have five hours before sundown.

- Don't worry, Buffy. We'll save Angel.
- Angel? But our priority is to stop Drusilla.

Angel's our friend.

Except I don't like him.

Look, you've got your priorities
and I've got mine. Right now they mesh.

So are you gonna help me
Or are you gonna get out of my way?

I'm with you.

Good. Cos I've had it.

Spike is going down.

You can attack me, you can send
assassins after me - that's fine.

But nobody messes with my boyfriend.

My mommy ate lemons... raw.

She said she loved the way
they made her mouth... tingle.

Little Anne...

Her favourite was custard, brandied pears.

Dru...

And pomegranates.

They used to make
her face and fingers all red.

Remember, hm?

Little fingers, little hands.

Do you?

- If I could...
- Bite your tongue.

They used to eat... cake and eggs and honey.

Until you came and ripped their throats out.

There are 43 churches in Sunnydale?
Seems a little excessive.

It's the extra evil vibe from the Hellmouth.
Makes people pray harder.

Check and see if any of them
are closed or abandoned.

Yeah, we got monsters, we got demons,
but no bug dude or police lady.

You'll have better luck with this one. There's
a section devoted to the Order of Taraka.

And those two,
they also know you are the Slayer?

Yep.

Did anyone explain to you
what "secret identity" means?

Nope. Must be in the handbook,
after the chapter on personality removal.

- Be careful with that thing.
- Please. I'm an expert in all weapons.

- Is everything all right?
- Yeah, it's OK.

- Kendra killed the bad lamp.
- Sorry!

This, uh... trigger mechanism is different.

Perhaps when this is over,
you can show me how to work it.

When this is over, I'm thinking
pineapple pizza and teen video movie fest.

Possibly something
from the Ringwald oeuvre,

Oh, here we go.
I am the bug man, coo-coo ca-choo.

OK. OK... He can only be killed
when he's in his disassembled state.

Disassembled. That means when
he's broken down into his little buggy parts.

I know what it means, dorkhead!

Dorkhead! You slash me with your words!

Your life is very different than mine.

You mean the part where
I occasionally have one? Yeah, I guess it is.

The things you do and have
I was taught distract from my calling.

Friends, school...

- ..even family.
- Even family?

My parents, they sent me to my watcher
when I was very young.

- How young?
- I don't remember them, actually.

I've seen pictures, but, uh... that's how
seriously the calling is taken by my people.

My mother and father gave me to my watcher
because they believed...

..that they were doing the right thing
for me... and for the world.

Please... I don't feel sorry for meself.
Why should you?

I don't know. I... I guess
it just sounds very lonely.

Emotions are weakness, Buffy.
You shouldn't entertain them.

Kendra, my emotions give me power.
They're total assets.

Maybe... for you.
But I prefer to keep an even mind.

Mm... I guess that explains it.

- Explains what?
- Oh, well... When we were fighting...

You're amazing. Your technique is flawless.
It's... better than mine.

I know.

Still... I would have kicked
your butt in the end. You know why?

- No imagination.
- Really? You think so?

Oh, I know so. You're good,
but power alone isn't enough.

A good fighter needs to know
how to improvise, go with the flow...

Seriously, don't get me wrong.
You do have potential.

Potential?
I could wipe the floor with you right now.

That would be anger you're feeling.

- What?
- You feel it, right?

How the anger gives you fire?
A slayer needs that.

Excuse me, ladies.

Nice knife.

I guess dating isn't big
with your watcher either.

I'm not permitted to speak with boys.

Unless you're pummelling them.

- Wait a minute.
- What?

That guy... The sleazoid
you nearly decked in the bar.

- You think he might help us?
- I think we might make him.

Say "uncle".

Oh, that's right! You killed my uncle.

That's it, then. Off to church.

It makes pretty colours.

I'll see him die soon enough.
I've never been much for the pre-show.

Too bad.

That's what Drusilla likes best, as I recall.

What's that supposed to mean?

Ask her. She knows what I mean.

- Well?
- Sh... Bad dog.

You should have let me talk to him, Dru.

Sounds like your boy
could use some pointers.

She likes to be teased.

Keep your hole shut!

Take care of her, Spike.

The way she touched me just now...
I can tell when she's not satisfied.

I said shut up!

Or maybe you two
just don't have the fire we had.

That's enough.

Spike, no!

Oh... Right.

Right... You almost got me.

Aren't you a "throw himself to the lions"
sort of sap these days?

Well, the lions are onto you, baby.

If I kill you now, you go quick...
and Dru hasn't got a chance.

And if Dru dies...

..your little Rebecca of Sunnyhell Farm and
her mates are spared her coming-out party.

Spike, the moon is rising. It's time.

Too bad, Angelus.
Looks like you go the hard way.

Along with the rest of this miserable town.

- Honest! I don't know where Angel is!
- What about this ritual? What do you know?

- Nothing. It's all hush-hush.
- Just hit him, Buffy!

She likes to hit.

You know... maybe I did hear
something about this ritual.

Yeah... It's coming back to me.

But, uh... I'd have to take you there.

- Let's go.
- First we must return to the Watcher.

Excuse me? While we run to Giles,
this whole thing could go down.

- But it is procedure.
- It's brainless, you mean!

If we don't go now, Angel could die!

Is that all you're worried about?
Your boyfriend?

- No, it's not all, but it's enough.
- It's as I feared.

He clouds your judgement.
We can't stop this ritual alone.

Are you listening to me? He could die!

He's a vampire. He should die.

Why am I the only person who sees it?

Are you that big a fool?

Good riddance, then.

Here you go. Don't ever say your friend Willy
don't come through in a pinch.

Here you go. Don't ever say your friend Willy
don't come through in a pinch.

Eligor, I name thee.

Bringer of war, poisoners...

..pariahs, grand obscenity.

Eligor, wretched master of decay...

- ..bring your black medicine.
- Black medicine.

Come!

Restore your most impious, murderous child.

Murderous child.

From the blood of the sire she is risen.

From the blood of the sire
she shall rise again.

Right, then. Now we just let them come to
a simmering boil, then remove to a low flame.

Payday, pal. I got your slayer.

Are you tripping? You bring her here... now?

- You said you wanted her!
- In the ground, pinhead! I wanted her dead!

Word was there was a bounty on her,
dead or alive.

You heard wrong, Willy.

Angel...

Yeah! It bugs me too, seeing 'em like that.

Another five minutes, though,
and Angel will be dead, so I forbear.

Don't feel too bad for Angel.
He's got something you don't have.

- What's that?
- Five minutes. Patrice!

Who the hell is this?

- It's your lucky day, Spike.
- Two slayers.

No waiting.

Hey, Larva Boy!

Yeah, that's right.
I'm talkin' to you, you big cootie!

Welcome, my little pretties.

Switch.

- I'd rather be fightin' you anyway.
- Mutual.

Die! Die, die, die!

I... We did it, Cordy.

Where are you going?

- Now, this isn't my fault.
- Oh, they tricked you?

- Mm-hm. They were duplicitous.
- Then I'll only kill you once!

Spike!

Hold him steady!

That's me favourite shirt!
That's me only shirt!

Look out!

Sorry, baby. Gotta go.

I hope that was enough.

I'm good.

Hi.

- Let's get him out.
- Careful.

Oh, hey... animal cracker?

No, thank you.

- How's your arm?
- Suddenly painless.

You can still play the guitar OK?

Well, not well, but not worse.

You know, I never really thanked you.

Ooh, no. Please don't. I don't do thanks.
I get all red, have to bail. It's not pretty.

Well then, forget... that thing.

Especially with... the part where
I kind of owe you my life.

Oh, look! Monkey.
And he has a little hat... and little pants.

Yeah, I see.

The monkey's the only cookie animal
that wears clothes. You know that?

You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen.

So, do the other cookie animals
feel sorta ripped?

Like is the hippo going "Hey, man. Where
are my pants? I have my hippo dignity."

And the monkey's just
"I mock you with my monkey pants!"

And then there's a big coup in the zoo.

- The monkey is French?
- All monkeys are French. You didn't know?

No.

We need to talk.

OK. Here's the deal. We don't have to run
every time we see each other in the hall.

Right. OK. Why shouldn't we run?

What happened...
There's a total explanation for it.

- You're a pervert?
- Me?!

Yeah.

- I seem to recall I was the jumpee, my friend.
- As if! You've probably been planning this.

Right, I hired a Latvian bug man
to kill Buffy, so I could kiss you.

I hate to say this, but you don't inspire me
to spring for a dinner at Bucky's Fondue Hut!

Fine. Whatever.

You know, the point is don't try it again.

I didn't try it!

Forget about the bugs, OK? The memory of
your lips on mine makes my blood run cold.

- If you dare breathe a word...
- Like I want anyone to know!

- Then it's erased.
- Never happened.

- Good.
- Good.

Good!

Thank you for the shirt.
It was very generous of you.

Hey, it looks better on... well, me, but no
worries. Now, when you get to the airport...

I get on the plane with me ticket
and sit in a seat, not the cargo hold.

Very good.

- That is not travelling undercover.
- Exactly.

Relax. You earned it. Sit in your seat,
you eat your peanuts, you watch the movie...

Well, unless it's about a dog or Chevy Chase.

I'll remember.

I, um...

I just wanted to thank you
for helping me save Angel.

I'm not telling me watcher about that.
It is too strange that a slayer loves a vampire.

- Tell me about it.
- Still, he is pretty cute.

Well, maybe they won't fire me
for dating him.

- You always do that.
- Do what?

You talk about slaying like it's a job.

It's not. It's who you are.

Did you get that from your handbook?

From you.

I guess it's something
I really can't fight. I'm a freak.

Not the only freak.

Not any more.

I don't hug.

Right. No. Good. Hate... hugs.

Don't worry, dear heart.

I'll see that you get strong again.

Like me.