Brothers & Sisters (2006–2011): Season 1, Episode 18 - Three Parties - full transcript

Previously on "Brothers & Sisters"...

You seem to have a lot to say.

Well,it's terrible.

It's not terrible.

I have to go to this premiere.

-We'll go together.
-Are you sure?

Let 'em think what they want.

He comes out of the closet for you,

he's yours for life,kid.

He's not coming out of the closet for me.

Keep telling yourself that.



My husband kept a daughter from me,
and now you hang out with her?

Did you honestly think I wouldn't meet her?
She's my sister.

She's here whether we like it or not.

You pulled a hair
out of my head to get my D.N.A.?

-Look--
-I am gonna kill you.

-All right. Okay.I gotta go.
-Please wait.

I'm not a part of this family.
I never will be.

I thought there was a connection,
and I thought you were right there with me.

-I was. I am.
-Doesn't feel like it.

Today I ask all of you

to enlist in a mission
that is bigger than any of us.

There's much at stake.

But I believe the courage of americans
can change this country,

and so I am honored
to join you in this endeavor



as a candidate for president
of the united states.

As I look around at my crewmates
and the veterans here today,

I'm reminded that the best lessons
I learned about being an american

I learned in a place far away from america

on an hh-60g pave hawk in the gulf.

And when we came home,

we had a simple saying--

"every day is an extra."

no,we didn'T. No.
Who put this in here?

'Cause god knows I didn'T.

oh,I think we're gonna have to take about a 15.

You mean take five.

No,I think this is gonna require 15.

I thought we weren't
gonna mention the damn helicopter.

oh,right,and I can see
where you got that impression,

considering that this whole announcement
centers around the heroism of your,uh--

helicopter rescue.

It's grandstanding,
it reduces me to a prop,

and the writing is
reminiscent of a high school essay.

Campaigning is grandstanding,

and if you're a prop,
you're a heroic one,

and if you're mad at me,
don't take it out on the speechwriter.

-I'm not mad at you.
-You have been cold,and you have been distant

I am three days away from the launch
of my presidential campaign.

I am a little tense.

Do we have to have this conversation here?

We're whispering.

In front of an open mike.

um,you know,
don't take it out on the staff.

-take what out on the staff?
-Our relationship,

or whatever it is since you decided
you had to think about things last week.

I'm sorry

but this whole war hero business
is not a mantle that I wear well.

You know,robert,if you don't believe that
you should be president,nobody else will.

I do believe

but because of a lifetime of service,
not 20 minutes of alleged heroism.

Can we just make this
a little more modest,please?

No,I'm sorry,
but there's nothing modest about it.

You piloted a pave hawk
into enemy territory under heavy fire.

You kept it in the landing zone,
and when the chopper went down,

you ushered five P.O.W.S into safety.

I know,kitty. I was there.

Look,we're--we're...

with this event,we're just trying to
get everybody's attention.

And I'm telling you
I'm not comfortable with it.

-Okay.
-Thank you.

"something was different.

"He'd changed.

"He was over her,

"and one day,candace would be over him.

But in the meantime,

there was shopping to console her."

no,no,no,no,no.

Juliet,this is... laziness.

I don't know
if you're writing chick lit or a satire

You want specificity.

Take nora as an example,
this piece that she's working on--

it's not tentative.

It's not cautious.

It's smart and urbane.

it's funny!

Read that last paragraph again
so juliet knows what I'm talking about.

You want me to read it again?

Yeah,just the last bit.

Oh. Okay,sure.

um,um,um,um,um...

"'my american husband'
is what she sometimes called brice,

"as though he were more of a citiz than she.

"And if that were the case,
then it meant that without him,

she was a woman without a passport."

"A woman without a passport."

You see what nora's doing?

She's taking the experience of a privileged
housewife from an upper-class L.A.Suburb,

and she's using it to tell a very
subversive story about identity.

-It's good!
-He's really a wonderful teacher.

And he has me writing every day.

He's just wonderful.
I really like him.

Yeah,I can tell.

Do you know I read one of his books?

-Yeah?
-Yeah,it was,uh,

it was kind of sexy.

I mean,there was a-a lot of wife
swapping in marin county...

a lot of wine and cheese.

He's terribly sophisticated...

-And 's--he's charming and--and smart.
-Oh.

He--he's sexy.
He's--he's--he's sexy.

Uh-huh.

So are you,uh,

are you getting a little thing in there?

-Yes,you are!
-No!

stop.

Well,you know,he had you read your stuff twic

maybe he likes you,too.
You know what?

You should see if there's anything there.

You ask him out.That's what you do.

I'm not gonna ask him out!
He's my teacher.

Hey,he's not your fifth grade
chemistry teacher,honey.

You're an adult,
and this is a college extension course.

I mean,what is the worst
that can happen here?

He says you don't float his boat.

Well,maybe under the context
of literary scussion,

-I could credibly...
-uh-huh?

-Ask him for a cup of coffee.
-Yeah.

Uh,I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Are you talking to me,
or are you texting?

That cereal is older than this house.

Bite into it,
and you'll probably chip a tooth.

"L-o-L. C-u there."

Don't you think using a phone to type a
message is like using tv to listen to radio?

What are you doing later,J.?

Wow.What are we up to nicknames already?

I don't know,R.What are you doing?

A friend of romy's
is having a huge party in venice.

Who's romy?

My best girlfriend.

She's dating this guy,jon newsom,
who actually went to marshall.

Anyways,he's,uh,supposedly got this--
this really sweet house in venice.

Do you know him?

Uh,yeah.Yeah,I know jon.

Great. So then you can get us there.

Wait. "Us"?

Well,I'm assuming you like to go out,
and you know jon.

Yeah. The guy's a total bottom-feeder.

A bottom-feeder that romy says
has a kick-ass beach house.

I'd rather go to a movie.
You want to go to a movie instead?

God,you cannot be that lame.

You look like a hard-core partier.

Kind of the problem.

Till recently,
my partng has been kind of drug-dependent.

So who cares?

You're not freaked out?

Well,as if you're the only guy
I know with addiction problems.

It's L.A. You throa rock,
and you hit someone who's working the steps.

it's just,like,it's my first party--
like,real party--since rehab,that's all.

Mm.Well,if your newly discovered half sister
wasn't enough for you to fall off the wagon,

I don't think anything else will.

I'm kind of used to being
the bad influence around here.

There's a new black sheep in town,
J. Get used to it.

Okay,you know,we're gonna have to
lose the whole "j" thing like yesterday.

so we're all set then.Steve's polishing
the revisions on the revised tenth draft.

Twelfth,if you don't count the ten
that I didn't show him before that.

Marjorie set the itinerary for the
whistle-stops following the announcement.

Dan's on microtargeting,
and kitty's overseeing the videography.

Well,you know,gary,that's the thing.

I-I just don't think that
I'm the most qualified person to handle that.

It's quick pops of people
from the senator's hometown--

testimonials,favorable,light stories.
It's a cakewalk.

Exactly. That's why
the videographers don't really need me.

Well,someone's gotta ask the questions,kitty.

I mean,come on.I--I just think
we need somebody who's--"taller."

Well,I was gonna say more high-profile--
a-a celebrity maybe.

We're republicans.

Our one celebrity's busy running california.

Castroville?

Isn't it a small disadvantage to be
a presidential candidate from castroville?

Well,at least
it's not elephant butte,new mexico.

I am googling...

"castroville."

It's in monterey.

Marilyn monroe
was crowned artichoke queen there in 1947.

What,did she lose a bet?

No,it's the artichoke capital of the world.

I can't believe that gary is making me do

an entire weekend
of hero-worshipping puff pieces

on my mean boyfriend
who I'm having a fight with

who I'm not supposed to be having a fight
with because he's running for president,

like that's some big deal or something.

-Did you get all that out?
-Not even close.

Hey,I could go with you.

There are beaches,wineries.

You know,
we could make a girls' weekend of it--

eat junk food,bash men--

sarah,I'm supposed to be working.

oh,there's a spa that does artichoke facials.

Kitty,I need this.

If I don't get away from joe
and the kids for a few days,

we're gonna end up on the evening news.
You think I'm joking?

-Sarah
-kitty,

I'm a desperate woman.
Don't make me beg.

Oh,all right,just make the reservation
and book me a swedish massage

and an artichoke facial.

Okay. Ciao.

artichoke facial.

what are you doing?
Come back to bed. It's so early.

No,I can't sleep.

Oh. Was I snoring or something?

I don't want to go on like this.

What?

This is the thing.
I was sitting here watching you sleep,

and you looked so happy.

I started thinking about all the things
that people do together that we can'T.

What,like get a good night's sleep?

Like travel,

My manager.

I'm gonna fire my manager.

I'm gonna start changing everything
now,today.

Wait.Wait,wait.

You're--you're gonna fire donald?
Why would you do that?

Because he keeps shoving me back
into the closet,

and it's too late.

Wait a minute.

Since when did you know his name?

What?

How did you know his name was donald?

Chad,you've entioned him,
like,a thousand times.

Look,can we--
let's just have some coffee,okay,and talk?

Please,please,don't fire him
until,like,after lunch,okay?

I don't want this double life anymore,kev.

Okay.

I have to be who I'm gonna be,

and whoever's in my life
that won't accept that,

I have to get rid of.

I've gotta go talk to him,all right?

-Today,now.
-All right,sure.

-We'll talk later,all right?
-Okay.

excuse me.

Uh,have i missed your office hours?

No,I'm like a doctor,nora,

always on call.

Um,because if you're finished here--

I-I really don't want to hold you up.

I just wanted to tell you that I,um...

you've been so encouraging.

Well,I love the work you're doing.

I-is that what you came to tell me?

all the way from pasadena?

No. No,I was working in the library.

I-I like to get out of the house--
casa de chaos.

I call it that sometimes.
Uh,do--do you have children?

-Uh,two.
-Two.

-Killers.
-Oh,killers,yes.

-You?
-Five... murderers.

so is there--is that--
you have a mate then probably,is what--

uh,not so much anymore.

Do you drink coffee?
Uh,theoretical coffee.

It could be orange juice or something
with bubbles.It doesn't have to be--

-nora.
-Yes?

You're forgetting how to speak.

Theoretical coffee?

It's crafty.

Emily craft.
She's--she's my girlfriend.

I've known her since high school.
She gets me into these things,and--

listen,if you were asking me
would I like to grab a coffee with you...

You see this pack?

I'm preparing my picnic lunch.

If you like,
you could join me on the grass.

We could watch the kids,swap stories.

Fine.

there's something odd about this.

-This what?
-This town.

Oh,was the,uh,giant,man-made artichoke
in the town square your first clue?

-No,though that was odd.
-Huh.

Excuse me.
All the stores seem closed.

Yeah,closed for the festival,
the annual artichoke festival.

The whole town shuts down.

Did you say the whole town?
Including...

-the spas...
-spas...

and--and wineries
and--and spas?

Sarah,I thought you were supposed
to call and make an appointment? I asked--

no,
they said walk-ins were available.

Why do I always have to
be the one that books everything?

Because you told me that you were gonna
book it.You told me that,right?

Uh,here's the list of interview subjects.

It's the usual characters.
I want a massage.

You got your social studies teacher,
the football coach,the best friend...

"nick higgin,simon jarvis,alice webb."

who's that?

Sounds like the senator's
geriatric first grade teacher.

-"H-s-s-h"?
-Yeah,uh,high school sweetheart.

I'll see you guys inside.

then I was married for 21 years

until my wife passed about five years ago.

Oh,I know how hard that is.

Oh,it's the second year that's hard.

The second year is a little bit of hell,

and don't believe anyone
who tells you that it isn'T.

I think for me...

the hard part has come and gone,
and I'm still standing.

Do you...

do you see people?

-Women?
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah,but not really.

I mean,

the connections are few and far between.

I've turned out to be a man of,uh,

really particular tastes in my old age.

I like being around the kids.

what about you?

Well,it has recently come to my attention

that I can do whatever the hell
I want on this sweet planet.

I can afford to travel.
I can afford to stay home.

I... don't scare easy.
I'm not afraid of a fight,

and I've learned some lessons.

I--I'd like to use them.

God.

I should be taking class from you.

Uh...

I have to throw a party for some professors--

cocktails--tonight...
at my house.

Would you like to,um...

be my date?

Sure. I'd love to.

-You lied to me!
-I'm sorry.

I should've told you
that your manager and I talked.

I was--you know,chad,
I was actually trying--

to what?

You went behind my back.

The two of you were
scheming behind my back.

Chad,he called me.

What were you and donald in cahoots for?

-What were you planning?
-Oh,wow. "Planning"?

This is so paranoid.
He cares about you,chad.

You know,this is so boring to me.
You know that?

My life is changing,
there are rumors out there about me,

-and you think I'm boring?
-No.

Anything but,actually.

However,this little drama of peekaboo in
and out of the closet

and the hysteria it inspires is
starting to wear just a little bit thin.

Because I'm freaked out
about the implications of coming out

and what that might mean to my career?

Oh,god. I--you know,
I hate that word

"career."
It's like the modern-day "religion."

What about your life?
You know what your problem is,chad?

You can't make a decision
about what it is you want,

and this little panic of yours
is just gonna keep happening.

You're not coming out of any closet,okay?

And this faux little crisis of yours
is just gonna keep going on and on.

You know what?

I don't want to be a part of that anymore.

-So what you're saying is--
-what I'm saying is,chad,

some relationships need drama
in order to survive.

I don't want that kind of relationship,okay?

I don't want to be a part of some
humiliating,semi-'50s throwback affair

just because you're gorgeous
and everything else that you are.

-Lifes too damn short.
-That's for sure.

BTW,it's great to know that the only reason
you're attracted to me is because of my...

looks. You're an ass,kevin.

You know that?

I always knew how...

how principled he was.

But when I saw on the tv
how he rescued those men in that helicopter,

that's when I knew he was brave,too.

Was that strange,

finding out that
your high school boyfriend was a war hero?

Well,it was strange,
but not surprising.

-Bobby was always remarkable.
-Bobby?

yeah,that--that's cute.

So,um,maybe you could talk a little bit
about your relationship?

I guess it was pretty normal.
It was a high school thing.

Um,I wore his varsity jacket.
Uh,we went to dans together.

Did you have any differences--
uh,arguments,maybe? Fights,big fights?

-Mm,no,not that I can remember.
-Really? Huh.

Well,I mean,it couldn't
have all been roses and artichokes.

We were pretty happy.

Well,something had to have...

well--well,yeah.Well,you were happy.

But--but something had to have happened.
I mean,obviously you're not together anymore.

It was a mutual decision.
We went to colleges on opposite coasts.

-We knew we're too young for a long-distancer
-stupid artichoke.

Oh,I am so sorry.

it's okay.

Uh,so--yeah,no,I mean,it's--
you know,we all know how guys're at that age.

-They're immature and grabby.
-No.

Was he grabby? I bet he was.

Don't you work for him?

Yeah. Yeah,but nobody--

nobody is that perfect,
not even mr.Mcsainthood.

-excuse me.
-What are you doing,sarah?

-What the hell are you doing?
-What the hell are you doing?

This is supposed to be a puff piece,

and instead you're picking fights
with the high school sweetheart.

You know what we're gonna do?

You're gonna give your crew the day off.

You and I are gonna find the nearest bar
and close it down.

Oh,I'm sure it's already closed.

-The festival.
-Don't say that,not even as a joke.

Rebecca?

Oh. I'm just waiting for justin.
We're going to dinner,

and there there's a party,
like a mutual frnd thing.

They're just pictures,rebecca.

It's not like I caught you
rifling through my underwear drawer.

Yeah,I was just looking at these
pictures thinking,but they look so normal

I think we are pretty normal,
given the circumstances.

Your son pulled a hair out of my head
to run a D.N.A. Test. Which is ironic,

because he doesn't know if your middle son's baby
is his or your youngest son'S.

Ah.Yes,wl,when you put it that way,
we do have our eccentricities.

It's cool,though.
Mean,it explains a lot,actually.

Like what?

I don't know,like all the weirdness in my life,
all the drama.

Maybe it's genetic,right?

Rebecca,
drama is not the only thing you inherited.

No,I also have a trust
worth a couple million dollars.

That's not what I meant.

You've also inherited a big family...

william's family.

Hmm.

Is that all right?

That--that's fine.

Rebecca...

didn't you ever ask about your father?

My mother said that he was a film director.

And,um,what did holly--
your mother--tell you?

I mean,why did he leave?

Um,she said that
she never told him she was pregnant.

Oh.

I think that your husband knew.

He gave me a doll once.

He was,you know,around.

I'm sorry.
Maybe I shouldn't have said that. I--

no,it's okay.

I'd still like to know...

who my father was.

Of course you would.

Rebecca,he was a good father.

He was a good businessman.

He was very smart.
He could be very kind.

He also carried on a 20-year affair,

embezzled from his own company
and kept a child from me.

Now that's the whole truth.

whoa. Mom,step away from the offspring.

It's okay. We're just talking.

-Are you ready?
-Yeah.

-Bye.
-Bye.

you have lost your mind.

No,I know exactly where I left it.

We're re to praise mccallister,
not to bury him.

I thought we were here on a girls' weekend.

Oh,that was about a million artichokes ago.

Mm. We need another ar-ti-rita.

Nope. No more for you.
You've had enough.

Come on,sarah. Just--just one.

One for the road.

No. You can't keep up with me.
It'll only end in tears.

One more,

but only because I feel sorry for you.

And don't drunk-dial any U.S. Senators.

please.

Hola.

-Two ar-ti-ritas,please.
-Comin' up.

I'll get those.

oh,and they say chivalry is dead.

Are you here for the festival?

No,no. My sister over there--"work."

What about you guys?

We go to school here.

Don't tell me.

Artichoke community college?

Uh,there must be something in the water,or--

or the artichokes,
because everybody in this town loves you.

Really?

I guess my multimillion-dollar donation check
to the chamber of commerce must have cleared

Oh,oh,and guess who I met?

Alice webb--my high school girlfriend.

And what--what kind of a name is alice anyy?

What kind of name is kitty?

Hey,do they still have that artichoke ice cream?
'Cause I remember it as being pretty good.

No,no,no,
don't try to change the subject,mister.

I got alice,and I tell you,man,she--
she gave me the dirt on you.

Boy,I could hardly shut her up.

-Are you still there?
-Yeah.

-Well,you--you got so quiet.
-Alice webb's not a joke.

Well,why?
What happened with alice?

Kitty,just let it go.

Let what--what go?

Listen,I have to work on the speech.

Let me call you later,okay?

okay,guys. Thanks for the invite.
See you there.

awesome.*Guess who got invited to a kegger?*

Oh,no way.

-Mm-hmm. Drink up,baby.
-Unh-unh.

-kevin walker.
-Hey,hey,kevin!

I got your number from my attorney.

I don't have anything to say to you,
you contemptible little--

well,I thought you might have a quote
on the subject of chad barry's bold coming out.

Excuse me?

Funny. I thought you'd be the first to know.

He's written an open letter on his fan web site.

Bad grammar,but pretty powerful stuff.

I've posted it on my site.

I think it's worthy of some...
comment,don't you?

Yeah,here's my comment--bite me.

you're freaked out,aren't you?

uh,it's just a party.

No,I mean my mother.

She said something to you.
You look freaked.

No,she didn't say anything.

You two should not be left alone together.

Look,we can get out of here if you want.

No,no. This is exactly what I need--
just get out,have some fun--

-yeah,see? You are freaked.
-Walker!

What's up,bro?

Hey,man.

Hey. Sweet ride.

That's my sister.

No mas. My bad.

-Sorry. Jon.
-Rebecca.

It's all good.

You guys want to hit the bathroom?

-We got some party supplies.
-Sounds fun.

You coming,bro?

Uh,I'm good,man.

This is a date little faculty cocktail party.

-Kitty wore that in high school.
-Let's see. Here.

I'm not gonna wear that.

Look,this may be a cocktail party,

but I don't know which blanket that
little piggy's gonna be under,if you get my drift.

I don't even know what that means.

I mean,who knows
if there even is gonna be a party at all?

This professor's ruse of inviting you to
a "professors' little party," that's code

That is 21st century speech for--
"please come.We're the party,baby."

-oh,for god's sakes.I'm telling you...
-You gotta be sexy.

you do.You're not auditioning
for a faculty tea wife here.

Damn! How do you survive without me?

-You know what?
-What?

I promise you when you get there,

there are gonna be two guests--

-you and professor sexenberg.
-"Professor sexenberg"?

Oh,my god.
Why do I even listen to you?

-Hey.
-Oh,you know,this is my--this is a great dress.

This is that nice little jil sander dress.

You've seen me wear this.

Eh,I think that was maybe nice
when fawn hall was around.

You know what that is?

That is about 6 inches too short for today...

about 6 inches too long for a lay is whathat--

-oh! I'm not listening to you.
-Okay,what have we got? Ooh,hang on.

Why are you--
why--

-why am I doing this?
-Yes.

I'm doing this because
you do not have one piece of clothing

that talks about filthy,happy,hot,muddy,dirty sex.

-Well,I--thank god!
-Ezco a dios!

When's the last time you actually wore this thing?

I wore that to the brillstein bar mitzvah.

-Eh.
-It's nice. It fits--

-it--you know,it is--
-all right,here we go.

-Wait! Wait! Aah!
-Trust me.

It's not just me.

It's not just me.
It's a great,big party

with lots and lots and lots of people.

I'll get lost in the crowd.

It's not just me.MIt's a huge,big party.

I'll be glad I'm here.

Coming!

Hey,nora! Come in.

w! What an outfit.

There is no party,is there?
Fine.

Well,you know the members
of the jack london awards committee...

-"jack london awards committee"?
-Are going to love this vintage.

-The writer jack london awards committee?
-Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present nora walker,
a very promising writer?

Is she gonna dance for us?

-this has gotta be it.
-I just--I just really--

I don't want us to embarrass ourselves.

-Okay,slurry.
-I'm not slurring.

I just want to act like a grown-up tonight.

This is a really good color on you.

Come on,slurry.

Oh!

in here,in here.

-excuse me.
-Yeah. Oh,hey!

Hey,what's up,guys?

Hey,you guys. How are you?

oh,my god.

"Sesame street" is having a party.

Hey! You made it.

Hey... you.

You go to school here,right?

Yeah... north monterey high.

Oh...

hey!

dude,I told you we'd get those cougars to showup.

-Did he just call us "cougars"?
-Yes,he did.

Drinks,ladies?

(tracy bonham's "something beautiful" playing)

*lightweight,too straight no reaction*

*I don't care if I'm not in fashion,I will*

god,you're wasted.

Look,all right,let's get you home and get you
a cup of coffee and put you to bed,okay?

Please don't start getting
all big brotherly with me.

-It's just gonna freak me out even more.
-Whoa,whoa,whoa,whoa,whoa.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Can we just call it a night at this point,rebecca?

It's really sweet of you
to try to be all protective.

It's the walker thing.You guys all
take care of each other,but I didn't have

the all-american,apple pie earnest mom
and pop with 16 siblings.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Look,no,you've done enough business
in the bathroom,rebecca.

-Get off of me.
-Come on!

Ooh. Everything cool here?

Yeah,it's fine.
It's a family spat. Let's go.

I think she wants you to step off,bro.

Why don't you step off,bro?

Or what?

come on,let's go.
Go!

I can't believe you did it.

Yeah,well,I did.

I mean,you were right.

It was time.

It's--chad,it's a great thing.

I love the letter you wrote.
I thought it was brave and honest,

but,you know,everything's happening so fast,
and you did everything alone.

I just thought about
all the things you said to me.

Yeah,well,you know,I wasn't right
about everything.I was pretty harsh.

Maybe that's what I needed.

I think it's what we needed.

kevin,I didn't,uh...
(Lucinda williams' "rescue" playing)

I didn't come out of the closet for you...or us.

I came out for me.

I mean,you were right.
We're not in the same place right now.

I really appreciate all the pushing,but...

I think I need to go the rest of
the distance in my own way

at my own pace,

by myself.

*The hours of insanity*

-wow.
-Look,I-I.

Couldn't have gotten to where I am without you.

Chad,I am so sorry I was so rough with you.

Really,I am.

*the thunderstorms within your purity*

it's too late,isn't it?

*He can't change you*

-I'm gonna go.
-Oh.

*He can't save you*

*from the plain and simple truth*

*the waning winters of your youth*

*he can't save you*

-well,we could still,uh--
-no.

No,we can'T.

*...Tears will always leave a mark*

excuse me.

Is that a romper suit?
I have never felt this old in my life.

-Well,what about the time with--
-you finish that sentence,you're dead to me

-Ok,there's gotta be ...
-hey,ladies.

-...The number of a cab by the phone...
-Artichoke shot?

No,we are not gonna start partying down with--
with unaccompanied minors.

I mean,I don't want to end up
on an afterschool special.

I liked those specials. Remember those?

which way is up?
Trying to get my hustle on

-oh,God.Holy heaven.
-Oh,God.

how many women our age
did you invite to this party?

You know,you should be ashamed of yourself.

-Oh,my god. I'm dead.
-You and me both.

-Why?
-It's my mom.

it's Alice Webb.

-Alice Webb is your mom?
-Yeah. Oh.I'm so screwed.

-This is alice'S...
-this is alice webb's house?

-We--what do we--go--
-back door.

-Leave.
-Back--back door.Come on!

Ms. Walker?

-uh,yes?
-Yes,she is. Um...

you should put ice on that eye.

I actually want the black eye
for as long as possible

to remind me not to be such a chivalrous ass.

I wish I was a chivalrous ass
instead of being just wholly an ass.

Oh,don't go hard onourself.
Maybe you just haven't found the right...

dude yet,you know?

what if chad was the right guy?
What if I pushed him away?

Mom?

Uh,how was--
how was your night...

with your pimp?

don't look at me,really,

and don't--not another comment
from either one of you. Got it?

Got it. I mean,clearly you've--
you've had a taxing night.

Which--
which hotel bar are you working out of?

-I listened to emily craft again.
-ohh.

God! She told me that I had to wear this,

that I have to compete with the other
20-year-old girls in my writing class.

Well,maybe you shouldn't listen to her.
She's a bad seed.

-Justin,oh,honey!
-Oh.

-What happened?Are you all right?
-I'm fine. I'm fine.

Maybe you should concentrate on kevin.
Chad dumped him.

-Oh,you S...
-oh,kev,I'm so sorry.

You know what?

I'm gonna join a monastery anyway

one of those vow-of-silence places
so I can stay out of trouble.

Well,you'd probably find a way,

especially with all those monks
batting their eyes at you.

Oh,what a sorry bunch we are.

Look at us. God.

What a family! Yikes.

Who would like to have some scrambled
eggs and toasted english muffins

just to soothe over all of our bruises?
All right.

I'm so sorry.

It's just we were--we were in a-a bar,

and your son--and he asked my s--

it was long--it was--it's a long story,

but,you know,I'm really so glad that I,
um,caught up with you,

because I realized that
I have some follow-up questions.

Really?
Well,where is your camera crew?

I-I just--I have to find my tape recorder.

You know,I'm getting a little tired
of your obvious assumption

that just because I come from a town
that worships artichokes,I must be an idiot.

I... I don't think you're an idiot.

Then please stop treating me like one.

I'm sorry. You're right.
I'm sorry. It's--it'S...

I'M...

seeing senator mccallister.

So you're a "full-service" staff
member is what you're saying.

I-I like to think of myself
as his girlfriend--

overly neurotic girlfriend--
yes,but still his...

anyway,it's--it's just,
I called him tonight,

and he just--he got all weird
when he heard your name.

And you were already thinking
there was some bad history there.

Well,it's--it's just that you
worship the ground he walks on,

and I just--in my experience,
men are a lot more disappointing than that.

I got pregnant.

It wasn't his.

It would have had to have been an immaculate
conception for it to have been his.

And he helped me...

convinced me to have the child,

put it up for adoption.

He drove me to my aunt's house in colorado,

where I stayed for a while.

He was only 17 years old,

and he did that for a baby that wasn't his

and a girlfriend who cheated on him.

Do I worship the ground robert
mccallister walks on,Ms. Walker?

Not nearly enough.

Juliet,what's the matter?

Oh,please Nora,
I just need you let me be along.

Juliet,I love your story.

I think you'er talented,you just have to go on.

-11111111
-22222222

We've been sleep together for like a month.
He just told me in.

E me siente en su clase?
It's so humiliating.

Yeah.I bet.

"She heard the splash quietly
over every other sound in her life--

"over the children,

"over the sounds of presents being unwrapped.

"She heard the splash from the pool,

and she knew that someone
and something had died."

I don't know,nora.

It's,uh...

it's a little confused.

I mean,you're a writer. We know that.

But as the voice of the author,

it's very important to decide
if you want to be credible,

a reliable narrator,
somebody that the reader can trust or not,

you know,as a truth teller.

A-a little bit like how we have to
decide whether to believe you or not.

What?

I mean,are you mark august
the aging literary bad boy,

or mark august the slightly long-in-the-tooth
enfant terrible of letters,

or mark august the nurturing academic,

or mark august the disingenuous
L.A. Casanova/pedophile?

Why don't we go out in the hall for a minute?

Fine.

oh,boy,you are really something.

You know,I don't understand
what I did wrong here.

You're sleeping with poor little juliet?

-Wait a second.Wait a second.
-My god,she's 12 years old!

-Okay,wait!
-What?

-"A," yes,we went out a coup of times,okay?
-Oh,yeah,I bet.

And frankly I'm not all that interested
in hearing about the travails of growing
up lonely in malibu anymore

-Right.
-And "b," I never promised you anything.

-I don't want anything!
-I invited you to a dull faculty party,

so I'm not sure what all the outrage is for,

-except that I find it wildly sexy.
-Oh,please,I--

-you find it sexy?
-Yup.

Oh,no,no,no,no.
I'm not going there again.

And what are you gonna do
about poor little juliet?

I'm gonna teach her
how to write a coherent sentence.

Oh,is that what they're calling it nowadays?

-Which is between her and me,frankly.
-Uh-huh.

But you,on the other hand,
are an entirely different story.

Look,you know,you're smart,
and you're funny,

and I'm--
I sort of can't stop thinking about you,

which is where we are here.

So...do you have plans for dinner?

-Dinner? Are you nuts?
-Yeah.

How was,uh,the rest of
your trip to castroville?

-Did you try the ar-ti-rita?
-No. Oh,no,no.

I-I didn't drink at all,
acally,not even a-a drop,

but I,you know,I did go there thinking that
if I could find any dirt on you at all,

it would be buried
in your hometown,and then--

you can bury dirt?
How does that work exactly?

But instead I find out that
I'm really screwed up here,

because I'm falling in love with a saint.

You what?

Mm,nothing.I...

No,I just said that you're this incredibly
perfect saintlike saint.

Well,most saints are saintlike,kitty,but
we'll get to that in a minute.You're what?

oh,I just said that
I was falling in love with you.

During the rescue...

on the helicopter...

I don't remember what really happened.

It was bad.

We were taking heavy fire.
Guys were gettin' hit.

I remember calling off the extraction.

But my copilot,

he wanted to stay.

It was happening very fast,

and then we went down,
and he was killed.I blacked out.

Kitty,it's all a blur.

But the last thing I do remember
was trying to get the hell out of there.

And then I just...

I let people believe what they wanted...

that I was a hero.

But I wasn'T.

I'm not.

I'm not even close.

*please don't cry...*

and yeah...

yeah... I love you,too.

it is my honor to present to you
the future 44th president of the united states--

senator robert alexander mccallister!

*there will always be a light*

*everything will be OKey*
good luck,sir.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,fellow veterans,

tonight I ask you all to enlist in a mission
that is bigger than any of us...