Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 10 - Episode #7.10 - full transcript
.
[bright tones]
- And I believe
that's all I've got.
Oh, wait,
there's one more thing.
Peralta gave me a note
before the meeting.
Ugh, the penmanship is horrid,
but I think it says,
"Ask if anyone has
an anal mint."
- It's announcements,
and we do.
- Wow, what an entrance.
- Amy and I have
some big news to share.
- I'm pregnant.
- We're pregnant!
- Wow, I can't believe it.
- Congratulations.
- What a surprise.
- What the hell?
I thought you guys would be
more excited than that.
Charles, you didn't even faint.
- I'm so sorry, I'll try.
[inhales]
It's not working.
Somebody choke me.
- On it.
- Rosa.
Sorry, we're so happy for you,
but we also maybe,
kind of already knew.
I mean, you didn't do
the best job of hiding it.
Why have you been carrying
that box around so much?
- I just love this box.
- Why are you reading
that newspaper?
It's two days old.
- I just love this issue.
- Hey, why are you wearing
that hazmat suit?
- I just love this look.
- Okay, fine, so you all
knew we were pregnant.
Good for you.
But I bet you didn't figure out
that we're having twins.
- [gasps]
- No, not really.
It's one baby.
I just needed
to see Charles faint.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Aw, Jake.
I am excited that
you're having a kid.
- Thank you, Dad.
Oh, and hey, if you're free
next Friday, we're having
a sex reveal party.
- Well, I went to one
of those in Amsterdam.
I would not invite relatives.
- What?
No, no, no.
It's a party where we find out
the biological sex of the baby
in a surprising way.
- You better hope
you're having a girl.
Peralta fathers do not
get along with sons.
- What?
That's not true.
I mean, look at us.
We're doing better than ever.
This year, you even remembered
my birthday month.
- Things are good now,
but honestly,
it's probably just a blip.
- Well, that's fun to hear.
- Well, that's just
the way it is.
It's the family curse.
I haven't talked to my father
since you were 10.
His dad abandoned him
at the World's Fair.
His dad fled to America after
drowning his dad in a well.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, so yes, fine,
there's a bit of a trend.
But we're not cursed.
You and I are good.
I bet you could even
fix things up with your dad.
- The Admiral?
I always hoped that I could
reconcile things with him
one day, but he's not
going to let that happen.
What can I tell you?
We're not meant to have sons.
There's a demon in our genes.
- Title of your sex tape.
- No, the title of my sex tape
is "Cockpit Larry and
the Mile High Stewardae."
- What?
- "Stewardae."
It's plural
for stewardess.
- Okay.
- ADA Kurm, how are you?
- Do you want the real answer,
about how my wife's leaving me,
or do you just want me to say,
"Good, how are you?"
- The latter?
- Good, how are you?
- We're fine; why are you here?
- You know that Carroll Street
Brownstone B&E?
- Yeah, broken windows,
swiped an old TV.
- The house belongs
to a friend of the mayor's.
- Oh, I didn't realize
the case was a priority.
I'll check into it right away.
- Great, call me as soon as
you have anything.
- Yeah.
Will do.
Oh, God, what a nightmare.
- Agreed.
Dude's a mess.
You know he's only 24?
- No, the Carroll Street case.
I didn't realize that the mayor
was interested in it,
and I think I did
something bad.
- You gave Hitchcock and Scully
an important case?
- [sighs]
both: [snoring]
- Okay, here's the cake.
If it's pink on the inside,
it's a girl.
And if it's blue, it's a boy.
- And why do you seem
so bummed by that?
- Because I still think you
should have done the pig roast,
where we start eating it
from the snout,
and discover the baby's sex
when we get to the genitals.
- Yeah, you know,
Amy wanted to do that too,
but I just don't see it.
- Hmm.
[phone chimes]
- I'm getting a text.
Ooh.
"I will see you soon, sir."
Guess who that was.
- Elton John.
- What?
- You said "sir,"
and that's on you.
- No, it was my grandfather,
the Admiral.
- Whoa, you tracked him down?
- Yup, he's on his way
to my apartment right now.
I'm going to fix
his relationship with my dad.
It's going to be
very emotional.
- It's going to be so dramatic.
You should be
producing for Ellen.
- Do you really think so?
'Cause I actually have
another idea for a segment
where Ellen turns your home
into a haunted house.
I call it "Extreme Makeover:
Bone Edition."
[sighs and sniffles]
But you know, I...
I don't have to do it.
I like being a cop.
- And you're so good at it.
- Yeah, okay, I'm going
to go meet my grandpa.
- Yup.
[flute playing "Muffin Man"]
- Ooh, fun!
Terry's playing the flute.
- At work.
Who are you, William Wonka?
- No, this is police business.
The flautist
for the NYPD band retired,
and I'm going to audition
to take her spot.
Captain Holt, you love music.
Can you give me some pointers?
- I'd rather not.
The music they play is dreck.
Last month,
they performed Sousa
at a fallen officer's funeral.
And the people were
so appalled, they cried.
- Or they were crying
for the deceased.
- No, she was very unpopular.
The band made them cry.
- [whistles]
- Suffice it to say,
I don't respect what they do,
so I wouldn't be
the right teacher.
I'm sorry.
[knock at door]
- Hey, Grandpa.
- Attention!
- Oh.
- At ease.
Just pulling your leg.
I'm your grandfather,
not your commanding officer.
Now, come on.
- Aw.
- Give me a handshake.
- Okay.
Right, come on in.
- Wow, it's really been
quite a while, huh?
- Yeah.
- Are you still watching
those cartoons
about the karate lizards?
- The "Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles"?
I am.
There was recently a reboot.
They did
some interesting things
with Splinter
and Krang's backstories.
Anyways, I'm an adult now.
How are you?
- Oh, me?
Well, I guess I'm...
- Grandpa?
- What?
- Oh, I was just asking
how you were.
- Oh, sharp as ever.
- Yeah.
- I'm so glad you
reached out to me.
- Same, you know, now that
I'm having a baby of my own,
I've started to realize
how important
father/son/grandfather
relationships really are.
Which reminds me,
my dad is also coming.
- He is?
I'm surprised
he wanted to see me.
- Well, he doesn't exactly
know you're here.
I thought it might be cool
to surprise both of you.
- You know who else
thought surprises were cool?
Admiral Yamamoto, and we all
know what happened then, huh?
- We do?
- Pearl Harbor.
- Pearl Harbor, right.
Some surprises can be bad.
But this one's not gonna be.
This one's gonna be good,
just like...
- The Battle of Midway.
- The Bimble of Durbay.
Yup.
We both said the same
thing at the same time.
[knock at door]
Oh, that's my Dad.
This is going to be amazing.
- Hey, Jakey.
- Roger Peralta.
Prepare to hug and cry.
This is your father.
- Dad, you son of a bitch.
- Uh-oh.
Ow!
.
- [groans]
I can't believe you hit me.
- I'm sorry.
- My face is throbbing.
Hey, "Dino Bites."
- What the hell is
my father doing here?
- You said you wanted
to reconcile.
- I meant after he was dead.
I planned on standing
over his grave
and yelling, "I forgive you."
- Well, you may get the chance
sooner than you think.
He keeps trailing off
and staring into space.
- [scoffs]
That's his old trick.
Whenever he doesn't want
to talk about something,
he does that.
The old bastard.
- Look, I know
you don't like him,
but can you at least
try to be nice for me?
- Okay.
I'll be nice.
I wish you were dead,
you lousy son of a bitch!
- You said
you were gonna be nice.
- I lied so I could say
the "son of a bitch" thing.
- Dad!
- Okay.
Your grandson would like us
to make peace.
So, do you apologize
for being the worst father
in the history in the world?
Even worse than fathers
who chain their children
in basements?
- I do not.
- That's on him. I tried.
- I really don't think you did.
- Jake, you don't get it.
He's a heartless jerk.
When I was in high school,
I almost died.
He didn't even visit me
in the hospital.
- Okay, so maybe
start by asking him
to apologize for that.
- No, he should apologize to me
for being in the hospital.
- I'm starting to see
the heartless thing now.
- Growing up, he had a boat.
Meant everything to him.
He named it "Walter,"
after himself.
- She was the child
I never had.
- I was the child you did have.
Anyway, one day I took
Walter Junior out for a spin.
I was trying to impress
one of the lake girls.
Before I met your mom, I was
a bit of a ladies' man.
- Yes, that continued
long after you met my mom.
- He's always been a floozy.
- It was dark.
I crashed into the dock;
I woke up in the hospital.
- How was the girl?
- Flexible.
Man, she could put her leg--
total--
- No, I was--
after the accident.
- Oh, right!
No.
She was totally unhurt,
thank goodness.
But I was in the hospital
for three weeks,
and Admiral Ass
never visited me once.
- I warned you
not to take the boat out.
You make mistakes, you got
to accept the consequences.
- I'm your son!
- And Walter was my daughter.
- [groan]
- Okay, both of you, stop.
You're acting like children.
You know what?
That's it, if you're gonna
act like kids,
then I'm gonna act
like a parent.
- "Cry Hard with a Vengeance"?
- Yeah.
It's Bruce Willis' book
about parenting.
And we're gonna read it.
- I just got another call from
the saddest ADA in the world.
He's still pissed.
Did Hitchcock and Scully
get anywhere?
- Hard to say.
Their file contains a lot
of non-case related documents.
- A bunch of menus?
- A cease and desist letter
from TJ Maxx.
- Multiple patent submissions
for something called
a "pillow shoe."
- An application
for a time share in Figi.
- You mean Fiji.
- No, Figi with a G.
They're getting scammed.
- Wait.
This is good.
There was a witness
who saw everything.
Identified the thief, they even
described the getaway car down
to a dent in the right bumper.
We're golden.
- Yeah, but Hitchcock
and Scully forgot to write down
the witness' name
or contact info.
- What?
No, that's insane.
Even they wouldn't
do something that dumb.
- Dumb?
Excuse me.
I don't need this crap.
I could be on the beach
in Figi right now.
- If we go to court,
we're gonna need
the witness to testify.
But now, we have no way
of contacting him.
So there's no case.
How could you not take down
the witness' contact info?
- Well, unlike you dorks,
we don't do everything
"by the book."
- We play by our own rules.
- And we get results.
- Mm-hmm.
- No!
You don't!
That's why we're here!
- So John McClain's advice
wasn't great,
but I have other books.
This one says
to make sure neither
of you has a full diaper.
Feels like we can skip
that part.
- I wouldn't be so sure.
- Dad, come on, all right?
How about this?
Dad, just name one happy memory
that you have with Grandpa.
And don't say the memory you're
going to have at his funeral.
- All right, when I was eight,
he was on shore leave,
and we played catch
in the yard, and that was fun.
- Hey, there you go.
That was great.
And Grandpa, is there a happy
memory you want to share?
- Well, can I pick
the catch thing too?
- Yeah, sure.
- 'Cause that was really
a nice time.
While we were playing,
the neighbor kid
fell off his bike.
- Yeah, he broke his arm.
- You could see the bone.
- [laughs]
Do you remember when we went
skiing, and the guy fell off
the lift and busted his leg?
- And you could see the bone.
- It was just, like,
sticking right out of the skin,
and he's, like, screaming.
We were laughing.
- Oh, oh, it was beautiful.
- God, I hope
somebody found him.
- Okay, well, you guys
are both monsters,
but this is going great.
[flute music]
- Yes, yes.
- I know you're being positive,
but I could use
some honest criticism.
- Terry, I'd love
to help, but...
Follow me.
- Hello.
[laughs]
You caught me stretching.
I've been doing this
and nothing else for the
last half hour continuously.
- I saw you watching Terry.
You were finger conducting.
- Fine.
Yes.
I may have overstated
my contempt for the music
they play so that I wouldn't
have to help Jeffords.
- Oh, no, am I so bad,
I can't be helped?
Aw, man, I wanted to play
in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Terry loves being
in and among floats.
- You're not bad.
You're maybe even...
Good.
But to make you great,
I'd have to break you down
to nothing.
It would ruin our friendship.
- I can handle criticism.
My daughters criticize me
all the time.
They're so mean now.
Please help me, sir, please!
- Okay.
Give me your flute.
Wrong!
First rule:
never give anyone your flute.
- Hey, babe, how's it going?
- Amazingly well.
My dad and my grandpa are
actually getting along.
They've been catching up
nonstop.
- Aunt Millie?
- Dead.
- Uncle Thomas?
- Dead.
- Aunt Janet?
- Dead.
- Uncle Dean?
- Gay.
- Ooh, good for him.
What about Aunt Lyn?
- Dead.
- Apparently there was a fire
at the family reunion.
Lucky for my Uncle Dean, he
was not welcome at the event.
- Wow. Dark.
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm glad
everything's working out.
Oh, I got to go.
Love you, bye.
- Actually, I got
to go too, so...
[dial tone]
- I didn't even think
it was possible to put a cast
on that part of the body.
- [laughing]
- That was Amy.
I hung up first.
Looks like things are
still going great in here.
- Yeah, they sure are.
Hey, Dad, toss me a beer.
Bring the heat.
Whoa!
both: [scream]
- No, the sex reveal cake!
- Oh.
- Nobody look at the floor!
No one can see
the color of the cake.
- How long are we doing this?
What's the plan?
- I don't know yet!
.
- Okay, we all heard
the cake splat
on the other side
of the counter,
which means we can probably
assume you can see the color.
- Why does that matter?
- Because the color of the cake
tells us if we're having
a boy or a girl.
- How can that baker tell?
- Because the baker
does the test.
- No, the doctor does the test.
Then the doctor calls
the baker, and the baker
makes the cake.
- Okay, I hate to say this,
but can you start over?
- No, we don't have time.
Just help me fix this.
- You know, it's Roger's fault.
All he had to do
was catch the beer.
- Well, maybe I'd be better
at catch if I played it
more than once growing up.
- Guys, focus up.
We're all getting along,
remember?
Now, we can't see the cake
before Amy, which means we have
to figure out a way to clean
it up without looking at it.
[gasps]
We have to "Birdbox" it.
- And "Birdbox" is the bakery.
- No, "Birdbox" is a movie
where people aren't allowed
to look at things.
Just put on these blindfolds
and help me clean it up.
- I "Birdbox-ed"
the stewardess in Sweden once.
- Dad!
[clock ticking]
Okay, that should be all of it.
I think it's safe
to take off our blindfolds--
Oh, [bleep]!
No, no!
Oh, God!
[bleep]!
What happened?
We were so careful.
Here comes the mop.
- Bag.
[grunts]
- This is hard.
- Yeah.
I could use a beer, you know?
- Oh, oh.
- You okay?
- The cake was blue.
You're having a boy.
It's the curse.
- No.
No, no, no, there's no curse.
Look, we can still fix this.
All we have to do is clean
every inch of this room,
and then bake a gourmet cake.
- No one can do all that
in two hours.
- Wrong, Dad.
There is one who can.
[suspenseful music]
- Hello, fellas.
Let's get to work.
[cake mixers rev]
- Oh, hey.
I got something.
There was a security camera by
the Carroll Street brownstone.
- And it got footage
of the perps?
- No, but it caught
Scully and Hitchcock
interviewing the witness.
- All right.
Let's start canvassing
the neighborhood,
see if anybody
recognizes that guy.
- Yeah.
- Wait!
- What the hell?
- Sorry, I didn't want to run,
and that was the only way
to stop the doors.
- It wasn't, and it didn't.
- It worked, we're here.
- Please, don't go looking
for that witness.
- We're just trying
to fix your screw-up.
- We didn't screw up.
The witness gave us his name,
but he asked us not to write it
down because he's undocumented.
- So he's scared to show up
to testify at the courthouse
because he didn't want
to be detained by ICE.
- Damn it.
- You know,
that keeps lots of immigrants
from helping cops.
- Yeah, we know that.
We're just surprised
that you know that.
- That's insulting.
I'm very concerned
with immigration issues.
- And I've dated
my fair share of spicy--
- No!
- Scully said the nice thing.
You don't need
to go past it, Hitchcock.
- Okay, I know you need help
and time is tight,
but I see there is blue cake
on the floor,
and I know what that means,
vis-à-vis the sex of the baby.
So before we do anything,
I'm going to need a minute.
[clock ticking]
Sorry for all the weeping
and the weird snort noise
I made at the end.
It's genetic.
Now, Jake, grab the mop,
you're on cleanup.
Admiral, you're
making the batter.
Captain, you're on
frosting duty.
[clock ticking]
- Okay, Amy just texted.
She's gonna be here
any second, so hide that thing.
- The...
Oh.
- Dad, that is so noticeable.
- Nuh-uh, it's awesome.
- All right, everybody,
act normal.
Act normal.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, welcome home.
I'd like you to meet
my grandpa, Walter.
- It's so nice to meet you.
- Hello, things are
normal here.
- Yeah, everything's
totally normal...
Back here too,
behind the chair.
- Yup, and that was
a normal thing to say.
Are things normal
with you, Amy?
- Sure.
- Cool.
- I'm going to go get ready
for the party.
- Oh, fun.
[door opens and closes]
Oh, my God, I can't believe
we pulled it off.
Charles, we owe it all to you.
- Stop, it was an honor to cook
and clean with all of you.
- Boy, Jake is so lucky
to have you as his butler.
- Oh, he's not--
- Thank you.
- Oh.
- I'm so glad
you're helping me.
Maybe I won't blow it
after all.
- Oh, you'll do
plenty of blowing...
Of that flute.
Now, let's go.
A five, six, seven, eight.
- [plays "The Muffin Man"]
- Stop.
The nod meant start now,
not start one second later.
Again.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- [plays "The Muffin Man"]
- Stop.
[metal chair clangs]
Are you playing "The Muffin
Man" or "The Garbage Man"?
- Huh?
- Do you know the Garbage Man?
Because I do.
Because I'm looking
right at him.
Again.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- [plays "The Muffin Man"]
- ♪ Bum, bum, bum,
badum, bum, bum ♪
["The Muffin Man" playing]
Again.
[clapping]
Again.
♪ Bum, bum, bum,
badum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da
Why did you stop playing,
Garbage Man?
- I need some water.
- What you need to do is
keep practicing, Garbage Man.
- I don't have any more saliva.
- And I don't have any more
time for your excuses,
Garbage Man.
Now play again.
Five, six--
- I don't want
your help anymore!
I'm not a garbage man!
I'm a muffin man!
[glass clinks]
- Attention, everyone.
Thank you all so much
for coming.
Please gather around.
We're going to cut the cake
and find out
what our baby's whole
downstairs situation is.
- Why the accent?
- I don't know.
I did so bad.
I should have let you talk.
- Yeah, you should have.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- Oh.
- Okay, let's do this.
Here we go.
- [chuckles]
- All right, we are having a...
Green.
Oh, my God.
What's inside of me?
- No, you just cut a bad slice.
Here, I'll get a good one.
- I guess the bakery
must have messed up.
- What are you talking about?
Roger's the one that
added the food coloring.
- Well, you mixed the batter.
- Wait, did you guys
bake that cake?
- Well, we just,
you could say that...
- Jake?
- Okay, fine.
Yes, we baked it.
I'm so sorry.
I'll explain everything later.
Dad, please stop
cutting the cake.
- I'm trying to find
a good slice.
- There is no good slice!
You screwed it up!
You're a screw-up!
- Yeah?
Well, if I'm a screw up,
it's 'cause you screwed me up.
You screw-up.
- Screw you.
I'm leaving.
- Wait, wait, no, don't go!
We reversed the curse!
Don't reverse
the curse reverse!
- Actually, Jake,
I'm going too.
- What?
No, why would you go?
- I need to go to the hospital.
I cut my thumb off.
- Again?
- The other one.
all: [groaning]
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
Ah...
Get the "Dino Bites."
.
- Hey, how are you feeling?
How's the thumb?
- Great, looks perfect.
Like nothing ever happened.
- It's the other thumb, Dad.
- Oh, no, yeah, that looks bad.
- The doctor said it might
take a long time to heal,
and that it might
never be as long again.
- My thumb?
I don't care.
Is my dad here?
- No.
I called him and he said...
How do I put this?
- That I'm a useless screw-up
and he's done with me?
- Yeah, something exactly
like that, verbatim, sure.
Look, I'm really sorry
that I forced this
whole reunion on you.
I think our family might be
cursed, and I'm going
to be a bad dad.
- No, I was wrong.
There's no curse.
My dad is just a selfish dick.
And I was too.
All the other Peralta dads,
we probably just learned it
from each other.
- Or it's just in our genes.
- No, you proved that wrong.
You care, and you do the work.
You're reading parenting books
before your kid is even born.
You tried to get me
and Dad back together.
Hell, you even fished
my thumb out of the cake.
- Yeah, that was gross.
- You're so excited
about having a kid,
you're having
a sex reveal party.
I never did anything like that,
except that one time
in Amsterdam.
- I really wish you'd stop
bringing that up.
- Jake, you're going
to be a great dad.
And your son's
gonna love you.
- Thanks.
And I think you're going
to make a real good grandpa.
- Hey,
who's got two surgically
reattached thumbs
and is super proud of his son?
- Oh, you don't have to--
- This guy--
[screaming]
- My boss is furious.
You ruined my 25th birthday.
I want those guys punished.
- Understood.
I'll talk to them right now.
Without that witness,
the DA has nothing.
Kurm is pissed.
- It's true.
He kept calling you guys
the human centipede.
- Because we have
our heads up our asses.
Yes, we've heard that before.
- I never thought I'd say this,
but you guys did
the right thing.
- Unfortunately, Kurm
wants you disciplined.
So effective tomorrow,
you're each getting one week
paid suspension.
- Like vacation?
- You deserve this punishment!
- [whispers] It's punishment
where you don't have to work.
- And we can go
anywhere we like?
- You can go to hell
for all I care!
- [whispers] Or to a resort
where you're being scammed.
- Figi.
Good idea.
- Now, get out of my face!
- [whispers]
Have fun.
- Next.
- Hi, my name is
Terry Jeffords.
And I don't know how
this is going to go--
- Wait!
- Sir.
- I'm Captain Raymond Holt
of the 99th precinct,
and I need to tell you
about this man.
Now, the audition piece
he's about to play may not
be technically perfect.
In fact, it may hurt your ears.
You may consider it
an insult to music.
You may whisper to each other,
"'Muffin Man'?
Pssh!
More like Garbage Man."
- Come on.
- But you would be wrong.
This man has
taught me something.
He's taught me that music
is about heart and soul.
It's about perseverance.
Despite everything
I put him through,
he showed up here today.
And you would be a fool
not to put him in your band.
- Thank you, Captain.
Lieutenant?
What instrument do you play?
- The flute.
- You're hired.
- What?
I haven't even played.
- You're the only flute
who auditioned.
Welcome to the band.
- Yes!
I did it!
♪
- Hey.
How's your dad doing?
- Well, the doctor
said he'll be okay,
but his hands are
basically claws now.
I don't know why
they think that's okay.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry
the cake was green.
- It's okay.
I'll love our little Shrek
no matter what.
- Oh, my God.
That's right.
You still don't know
the sex of the baby.
With all the craziness,
I almost forgot.
Emphasis on "almost."
- What?
- Well, I got another cake
just for the two of us.
- Jake, that's so sweet.
- Here we go.
- I'm so excited.
It's empty.
There's no cake inside.
- What?
Where'd it go?
- Hey, guys.
Do you have any milk?
- [gasps]
We're having a boy?
- We're having a boy!
- [giggles]
- Hey, do you have milk or not?
- Jeez.
- God.
- Fremulon.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh!
[bright tones]
- And I believe
that's all I've got.
Oh, wait,
there's one more thing.
Peralta gave me a note
before the meeting.
Ugh, the penmanship is horrid,
but I think it says,
"Ask if anyone has
an anal mint."
- It's announcements,
and we do.
- Wow, what an entrance.
- Amy and I have
some big news to share.
- I'm pregnant.
- We're pregnant!
- Wow, I can't believe it.
- Congratulations.
- What a surprise.
- What the hell?
I thought you guys would be
more excited than that.
Charles, you didn't even faint.
- I'm so sorry, I'll try.
[inhales]
It's not working.
Somebody choke me.
- On it.
- Rosa.
Sorry, we're so happy for you,
but we also maybe,
kind of already knew.
I mean, you didn't do
the best job of hiding it.
Why have you been carrying
that box around so much?
- I just love this box.
- Why are you reading
that newspaper?
It's two days old.
- I just love this issue.
- Hey, why are you wearing
that hazmat suit?
- I just love this look.
- Okay, fine, so you all
knew we were pregnant.
Good for you.
But I bet you didn't figure out
that we're having twins.
- [gasps]
- No, not really.
It's one baby.
I just needed
to see Charles faint.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Aw, Jake.
I am excited that
you're having a kid.
- Thank you, Dad.
Oh, and hey, if you're free
next Friday, we're having
a sex reveal party.
- Well, I went to one
of those in Amsterdam.
I would not invite relatives.
- What?
No, no, no.
It's a party where we find out
the biological sex of the baby
in a surprising way.
- You better hope
you're having a girl.
Peralta fathers do not
get along with sons.
- What?
That's not true.
I mean, look at us.
We're doing better than ever.
This year, you even remembered
my birthday month.
- Things are good now,
but honestly,
it's probably just a blip.
- Well, that's fun to hear.
- Well, that's just
the way it is.
It's the family curse.
I haven't talked to my father
since you were 10.
His dad abandoned him
at the World's Fair.
His dad fled to America after
drowning his dad in a well.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, so yes, fine,
there's a bit of a trend.
But we're not cursed.
You and I are good.
I bet you could even
fix things up with your dad.
- The Admiral?
I always hoped that I could
reconcile things with him
one day, but he's not
going to let that happen.
What can I tell you?
We're not meant to have sons.
There's a demon in our genes.
- Title of your sex tape.
- No, the title of my sex tape
is "Cockpit Larry and
the Mile High Stewardae."
- What?
- "Stewardae."
It's plural
for stewardess.
- Okay.
- ADA Kurm, how are you?
- Do you want the real answer,
about how my wife's leaving me,
or do you just want me to say,
"Good, how are you?"
- The latter?
- Good, how are you?
- We're fine; why are you here?
- You know that Carroll Street
Brownstone B&E?
- Yeah, broken windows,
swiped an old TV.
- The house belongs
to a friend of the mayor's.
- Oh, I didn't realize
the case was a priority.
I'll check into it right away.
- Great, call me as soon as
you have anything.
- Yeah.
Will do.
Oh, God, what a nightmare.
- Agreed.
Dude's a mess.
You know he's only 24?
- No, the Carroll Street case.
I didn't realize that the mayor
was interested in it,
and I think I did
something bad.
- You gave Hitchcock and Scully
an important case?
- [sighs]
both: [snoring]
- Okay, here's the cake.
If it's pink on the inside,
it's a girl.
And if it's blue, it's a boy.
- And why do you seem
so bummed by that?
- Because I still think you
should have done the pig roast,
where we start eating it
from the snout,
and discover the baby's sex
when we get to the genitals.
- Yeah, you know,
Amy wanted to do that too,
but I just don't see it.
- Hmm.
[phone chimes]
- I'm getting a text.
Ooh.
"I will see you soon, sir."
Guess who that was.
- Elton John.
- What?
- You said "sir,"
and that's on you.
- No, it was my grandfather,
the Admiral.
- Whoa, you tracked him down?
- Yup, he's on his way
to my apartment right now.
I'm going to fix
his relationship with my dad.
It's going to be
very emotional.
- It's going to be so dramatic.
You should be
producing for Ellen.
- Do you really think so?
'Cause I actually have
another idea for a segment
where Ellen turns your home
into a haunted house.
I call it "Extreme Makeover:
Bone Edition."
[sighs and sniffles]
But you know, I...
I don't have to do it.
I like being a cop.
- And you're so good at it.
- Yeah, okay, I'm going
to go meet my grandpa.
- Yup.
[flute playing "Muffin Man"]
- Ooh, fun!
Terry's playing the flute.
- At work.
Who are you, William Wonka?
- No, this is police business.
The flautist
for the NYPD band retired,
and I'm going to audition
to take her spot.
Captain Holt, you love music.
Can you give me some pointers?
- I'd rather not.
The music they play is dreck.
Last month,
they performed Sousa
at a fallen officer's funeral.
And the people were
so appalled, they cried.
- Or they were crying
for the deceased.
- No, she was very unpopular.
The band made them cry.
- [whistles]
- Suffice it to say,
I don't respect what they do,
so I wouldn't be
the right teacher.
I'm sorry.
[knock at door]
- Hey, Grandpa.
- Attention!
- Oh.
- At ease.
Just pulling your leg.
I'm your grandfather,
not your commanding officer.
Now, come on.
- Aw.
- Give me a handshake.
- Okay.
Right, come on in.
- Wow, it's really been
quite a while, huh?
- Yeah.
- Are you still watching
those cartoons
about the karate lizards?
- The "Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles"?
I am.
There was recently a reboot.
They did
some interesting things
with Splinter
and Krang's backstories.
Anyways, I'm an adult now.
How are you?
- Oh, me?
Well, I guess I'm...
- Grandpa?
- What?
- Oh, I was just asking
how you were.
- Oh, sharp as ever.
- Yeah.
- I'm so glad you
reached out to me.
- Same, you know, now that
I'm having a baby of my own,
I've started to realize
how important
father/son/grandfather
relationships really are.
Which reminds me,
my dad is also coming.
- He is?
I'm surprised
he wanted to see me.
- Well, he doesn't exactly
know you're here.
I thought it might be cool
to surprise both of you.
- You know who else
thought surprises were cool?
Admiral Yamamoto, and we all
know what happened then, huh?
- We do?
- Pearl Harbor.
- Pearl Harbor, right.
Some surprises can be bad.
But this one's not gonna be.
This one's gonna be good,
just like...
- The Battle of Midway.
- The Bimble of Durbay.
Yup.
We both said the same
thing at the same time.
[knock at door]
Oh, that's my Dad.
This is going to be amazing.
- Hey, Jakey.
- Roger Peralta.
Prepare to hug and cry.
This is your father.
- Dad, you son of a bitch.
- Uh-oh.
Ow!
.
- [groans]
I can't believe you hit me.
- I'm sorry.
- My face is throbbing.
Hey, "Dino Bites."
- What the hell is
my father doing here?
- You said you wanted
to reconcile.
- I meant after he was dead.
I planned on standing
over his grave
and yelling, "I forgive you."
- Well, you may get the chance
sooner than you think.
He keeps trailing off
and staring into space.
- [scoffs]
That's his old trick.
Whenever he doesn't want
to talk about something,
he does that.
The old bastard.
- Look, I know
you don't like him,
but can you at least
try to be nice for me?
- Okay.
I'll be nice.
I wish you were dead,
you lousy son of a bitch!
- You said
you were gonna be nice.
- I lied so I could say
the "son of a bitch" thing.
- Dad!
- Okay.
Your grandson would like us
to make peace.
So, do you apologize
for being the worst father
in the history in the world?
Even worse than fathers
who chain their children
in basements?
- I do not.
- That's on him. I tried.
- I really don't think you did.
- Jake, you don't get it.
He's a heartless jerk.
When I was in high school,
I almost died.
He didn't even visit me
in the hospital.
- Okay, so maybe
start by asking him
to apologize for that.
- No, he should apologize to me
for being in the hospital.
- I'm starting to see
the heartless thing now.
- Growing up, he had a boat.
Meant everything to him.
He named it "Walter,"
after himself.
- She was the child
I never had.
- I was the child you did have.
Anyway, one day I took
Walter Junior out for a spin.
I was trying to impress
one of the lake girls.
Before I met your mom, I was
a bit of a ladies' man.
- Yes, that continued
long after you met my mom.
- He's always been a floozy.
- It was dark.
I crashed into the dock;
I woke up in the hospital.
- How was the girl?
- Flexible.
Man, she could put her leg--
total--
- No, I was--
after the accident.
- Oh, right!
No.
She was totally unhurt,
thank goodness.
But I was in the hospital
for three weeks,
and Admiral Ass
never visited me once.
- I warned you
not to take the boat out.
You make mistakes, you got
to accept the consequences.
- I'm your son!
- And Walter was my daughter.
- [groan]
- Okay, both of you, stop.
You're acting like children.
You know what?
That's it, if you're gonna
act like kids,
then I'm gonna act
like a parent.
- "Cry Hard with a Vengeance"?
- Yeah.
It's Bruce Willis' book
about parenting.
And we're gonna read it.
- I just got another call from
the saddest ADA in the world.
He's still pissed.
Did Hitchcock and Scully
get anywhere?
- Hard to say.
Their file contains a lot
of non-case related documents.
- A bunch of menus?
- A cease and desist letter
from TJ Maxx.
- Multiple patent submissions
for something called
a "pillow shoe."
- An application
for a time share in Figi.
- You mean Fiji.
- No, Figi with a G.
They're getting scammed.
- Wait.
This is good.
There was a witness
who saw everything.
Identified the thief, they even
described the getaway car down
to a dent in the right bumper.
We're golden.
- Yeah, but Hitchcock
and Scully forgot to write down
the witness' name
or contact info.
- What?
No, that's insane.
Even they wouldn't
do something that dumb.
- Dumb?
Excuse me.
I don't need this crap.
I could be on the beach
in Figi right now.
- If we go to court,
we're gonna need
the witness to testify.
But now, we have no way
of contacting him.
So there's no case.
How could you not take down
the witness' contact info?
- Well, unlike you dorks,
we don't do everything
"by the book."
- We play by our own rules.
- And we get results.
- Mm-hmm.
- No!
You don't!
That's why we're here!
- So John McClain's advice
wasn't great,
but I have other books.
This one says
to make sure neither
of you has a full diaper.
Feels like we can skip
that part.
- I wouldn't be so sure.
- Dad, come on, all right?
How about this?
Dad, just name one happy memory
that you have with Grandpa.
And don't say the memory you're
going to have at his funeral.
- All right, when I was eight,
he was on shore leave,
and we played catch
in the yard, and that was fun.
- Hey, there you go.
That was great.
And Grandpa, is there a happy
memory you want to share?
- Well, can I pick
the catch thing too?
- Yeah, sure.
- 'Cause that was really
a nice time.
While we were playing,
the neighbor kid
fell off his bike.
- Yeah, he broke his arm.
- You could see the bone.
- [laughs]
Do you remember when we went
skiing, and the guy fell off
the lift and busted his leg?
- And you could see the bone.
- It was just, like,
sticking right out of the skin,
and he's, like, screaming.
We were laughing.
- Oh, oh, it was beautiful.
- God, I hope
somebody found him.
- Okay, well, you guys
are both monsters,
but this is going great.
[flute music]
- Yes, yes.
- I know you're being positive,
but I could use
some honest criticism.
- Terry, I'd love
to help, but...
Follow me.
- Hello.
[laughs]
You caught me stretching.
I've been doing this
and nothing else for the
last half hour continuously.
- I saw you watching Terry.
You were finger conducting.
- Fine.
Yes.
I may have overstated
my contempt for the music
they play so that I wouldn't
have to help Jeffords.
- Oh, no, am I so bad,
I can't be helped?
Aw, man, I wanted to play
in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Terry loves being
in and among floats.
- You're not bad.
You're maybe even...
Good.
But to make you great,
I'd have to break you down
to nothing.
It would ruin our friendship.
- I can handle criticism.
My daughters criticize me
all the time.
They're so mean now.
Please help me, sir, please!
- Okay.
Give me your flute.
Wrong!
First rule:
never give anyone your flute.
- Hey, babe, how's it going?
- Amazingly well.
My dad and my grandpa are
actually getting along.
They've been catching up
nonstop.
- Aunt Millie?
- Dead.
- Uncle Thomas?
- Dead.
- Aunt Janet?
- Dead.
- Uncle Dean?
- Gay.
- Ooh, good for him.
What about Aunt Lyn?
- Dead.
- Apparently there was a fire
at the family reunion.
Lucky for my Uncle Dean, he
was not welcome at the event.
- Wow. Dark.
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm glad
everything's working out.
Oh, I got to go.
Love you, bye.
- Actually, I got
to go too, so...
[dial tone]
- I didn't even think
it was possible to put a cast
on that part of the body.
- [laughing]
- That was Amy.
I hung up first.
Looks like things are
still going great in here.
- Yeah, they sure are.
Hey, Dad, toss me a beer.
Bring the heat.
Whoa!
both: [scream]
- No, the sex reveal cake!
- Oh.
- Nobody look at the floor!
No one can see
the color of the cake.
- How long are we doing this?
What's the plan?
- I don't know yet!
.
- Okay, we all heard
the cake splat
on the other side
of the counter,
which means we can probably
assume you can see the color.
- Why does that matter?
- Because the color of the cake
tells us if we're having
a boy or a girl.
- How can that baker tell?
- Because the baker
does the test.
- No, the doctor does the test.
Then the doctor calls
the baker, and the baker
makes the cake.
- Okay, I hate to say this,
but can you start over?
- No, we don't have time.
Just help me fix this.
- You know, it's Roger's fault.
All he had to do
was catch the beer.
- Well, maybe I'd be better
at catch if I played it
more than once growing up.
- Guys, focus up.
We're all getting along,
remember?
Now, we can't see the cake
before Amy, which means we have
to figure out a way to clean
it up without looking at it.
[gasps]
We have to "Birdbox" it.
- And "Birdbox" is the bakery.
- No, "Birdbox" is a movie
where people aren't allowed
to look at things.
Just put on these blindfolds
and help me clean it up.
- I "Birdbox-ed"
the stewardess in Sweden once.
- Dad!
[clock ticking]
Okay, that should be all of it.
I think it's safe
to take off our blindfolds--
Oh, [bleep]!
No, no!
Oh, God!
[bleep]!
What happened?
We were so careful.
Here comes the mop.
- Bag.
[grunts]
- This is hard.
- Yeah.
I could use a beer, you know?
- Oh, oh.
- You okay?
- The cake was blue.
You're having a boy.
It's the curse.
- No.
No, no, no, there's no curse.
Look, we can still fix this.
All we have to do is clean
every inch of this room,
and then bake a gourmet cake.
- No one can do all that
in two hours.
- Wrong, Dad.
There is one who can.
[suspenseful music]
- Hello, fellas.
Let's get to work.
[cake mixers rev]
- Oh, hey.
I got something.
There was a security camera by
the Carroll Street brownstone.
- And it got footage
of the perps?
- No, but it caught
Scully and Hitchcock
interviewing the witness.
- All right.
Let's start canvassing
the neighborhood,
see if anybody
recognizes that guy.
- Yeah.
- Wait!
- What the hell?
- Sorry, I didn't want to run,
and that was the only way
to stop the doors.
- It wasn't, and it didn't.
- It worked, we're here.
- Please, don't go looking
for that witness.
- We're just trying
to fix your screw-up.
- We didn't screw up.
The witness gave us his name,
but he asked us not to write it
down because he's undocumented.
- So he's scared to show up
to testify at the courthouse
because he didn't want
to be detained by ICE.
- Damn it.
- You know,
that keeps lots of immigrants
from helping cops.
- Yeah, we know that.
We're just surprised
that you know that.
- That's insulting.
I'm very concerned
with immigration issues.
- And I've dated
my fair share of spicy--
- No!
- Scully said the nice thing.
You don't need
to go past it, Hitchcock.
- Okay, I know you need help
and time is tight,
but I see there is blue cake
on the floor,
and I know what that means,
vis-à-vis the sex of the baby.
So before we do anything,
I'm going to need a minute.
[clock ticking]
Sorry for all the weeping
and the weird snort noise
I made at the end.
It's genetic.
Now, Jake, grab the mop,
you're on cleanup.
Admiral, you're
making the batter.
Captain, you're on
frosting duty.
[clock ticking]
- Okay, Amy just texted.
She's gonna be here
any second, so hide that thing.
- The...
Oh.
- Dad, that is so noticeable.
- Nuh-uh, it's awesome.
- All right, everybody,
act normal.
Act normal.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, welcome home.
I'd like you to meet
my grandpa, Walter.
- It's so nice to meet you.
- Hello, things are
normal here.
- Yeah, everything's
totally normal...
Back here too,
behind the chair.
- Yup, and that was
a normal thing to say.
Are things normal
with you, Amy?
- Sure.
- Cool.
- I'm going to go get ready
for the party.
- Oh, fun.
[door opens and closes]
Oh, my God, I can't believe
we pulled it off.
Charles, we owe it all to you.
- Stop, it was an honor to cook
and clean with all of you.
- Boy, Jake is so lucky
to have you as his butler.
- Oh, he's not--
- Thank you.
- Oh.
- I'm so glad
you're helping me.
Maybe I won't blow it
after all.
- Oh, you'll do
plenty of blowing...
Of that flute.
Now, let's go.
A five, six, seven, eight.
- [plays "The Muffin Man"]
- Stop.
The nod meant start now,
not start one second later.
Again.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- [plays "The Muffin Man"]
- Stop.
[metal chair clangs]
Are you playing "The Muffin
Man" or "The Garbage Man"?
- Huh?
- Do you know the Garbage Man?
Because I do.
Because I'm looking
right at him.
Again.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- [plays "The Muffin Man"]
- ♪ Bum, bum, bum,
badum, bum, bum ♪
["The Muffin Man" playing]
Again.
[clapping]
Again.
♪ Bum, bum, bum,
badum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da
Why did you stop playing,
Garbage Man?
- I need some water.
- What you need to do is
keep practicing, Garbage Man.
- I don't have any more saliva.
- And I don't have any more
time for your excuses,
Garbage Man.
Now play again.
Five, six--
- I don't want
your help anymore!
I'm not a garbage man!
I'm a muffin man!
[glass clinks]
- Attention, everyone.
Thank you all so much
for coming.
Please gather around.
We're going to cut the cake
and find out
what our baby's whole
downstairs situation is.
- Why the accent?
- I don't know.
I did so bad.
I should have let you talk.
- Yeah, you should have.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- Oh.
- Okay, let's do this.
Here we go.
- [chuckles]
- All right, we are having a...
Green.
Oh, my God.
What's inside of me?
- No, you just cut a bad slice.
Here, I'll get a good one.
- I guess the bakery
must have messed up.
- What are you talking about?
Roger's the one that
added the food coloring.
- Well, you mixed the batter.
- Wait, did you guys
bake that cake?
- Well, we just,
you could say that...
- Jake?
- Okay, fine.
Yes, we baked it.
I'm so sorry.
I'll explain everything later.
Dad, please stop
cutting the cake.
- I'm trying to find
a good slice.
- There is no good slice!
You screwed it up!
You're a screw-up!
- Yeah?
Well, if I'm a screw up,
it's 'cause you screwed me up.
You screw-up.
- Screw you.
I'm leaving.
- Wait, wait, no, don't go!
We reversed the curse!
Don't reverse
the curse reverse!
- Actually, Jake,
I'm going too.
- What?
No, why would you go?
- I need to go to the hospital.
I cut my thumb off.
- Again?
- The other one.
all: [groaning]
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
Ah...
Get the "Dino Bites."
.
- Hey, how are you feeling?
How's the thumb?
- Great, looks perfect.
Like nothing ever happened.
- It's the other thumb, Dad.
- Oh, no, yeah, that looks bad.
- The doctor said it might
take a long time to heal,
and that it might
never be as long again.
- My thumb?
I don't care.
Is my dad here?
- No.
I called him and he said...
How do I put this?
- That I'm a useless screw-up
and he's done with me?
- Yeah, something exactly
like that, verbatim, sure.
Look, I'm really sorry
that I forced this
whole reunion on you.
I think our family might be
cursed, and I'm going
to be a bad dad.
- No, I was wrong.
There's no curse.
My dad is just a selfish dick.
And I was too.
All the other Peralta dads,
we probably just learned it
from each other.
- Or it's just in our genes.
- No, you proved that wrong.
You care, and you do the work.
You're reading parenting books
before your kid is even born.
You tried to get me
and Dad back together.
Hell, you even fished
my thumb out of the cake.
- Yeah, that was gross.
- You're so excited
about having a kid,
you're having
a sex reveal party.
I never did anything like that,
except that one time
in Amsterdam.
- I really wish you'd stop
bringing that up.
- Jake, you're going
to be a great dad.
And your son's
gonna love you.
- Thanks.
And I think you're going
to make a real good grandpa.
- Hey,
who's got two surgically
reattached thumbs
and is super proud of his son?
- Oh, you don't have to--
- This guy--
[screaming]
- My boss is furious.
You ruined my 25th birthday.
I want those guys punished.
- Understood.
I'll talk to them right now.
Without that witness,
the DA has nothing.
Kurm is pissed.
- It's true.
He kept calling you guys
the human centipede.
- Because we have
our heads up our asses.
Yes, we've heard that before.
- I never thought I'd say this,
but you guys did
the right thing.
- Unfortunately, Kurm
wants you disciplined.
So effective tomorrow,
you're each getting one week
paid suspension.
- Like vacation?
- You deserve this punishment!
- [whispers] It's punishment
where you don't have to work.
- And we can go
anywhere we like?
- You can go to hell
for all I care!
- [whispers] Or to a resort
where you're being scammed.
- Figi.
Good idea.
- Now, get out of my face!
- [whispers]
Have fun.
- Next.
- Hi, my name is
Terry Jeffords.
And I don't know how
this is going to go--
- Wait!
- Sir.
- I'm Captain Raymond Holt
of the 99th precinct,
and I need to tell you
about this man.
Now, the audition piece
he's about to play may not
be technically perfect.
In fact, it may hurt your ears.
You may consider it
an insult to music.
You may whisper to each other,
"'Muffin Man'?
Pssh!
More like Garbage Man."
- Come on.
- But you would be wrong.
This man has
taught me something.
He's taught me that music
is about heart and soul.
It's about perseverance.
Despite everything
I put him through,
he showed up here today.
And you would be a fool
not to put him in your band.
- Thank you, Captain.
Lieutenant?
What instrument do you play?
- The flute.
- You're hired.
- What?
I haven't even played.
- You're the only flute
who auditioned.
Welcome to the band.
- Yes!
I did it!
♪
- Hey.
How's your dad doing?
- Well, the doctor
said he'll be okay,
but his hands are
basically claws now.
I don't know why
they think that's okay.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry
the cake was green.
- It's okay.
I'll love our little Shrek
no matter what.
- Oh, my God.
That's right.
You still don't know
the sex of the baby.
With all the craziness,
I almost forgot.
Emphasis on "almost."
- What?
- Well, I got another cake
just for the two of us.
- Jake, that's so sweet.
- Here we go.
- I'm so excited.
It's empty.
There's no cake inside.
- What?
Where'd it go?
- Hey, guys.
Do you have any milk?
- [gasps]
We're having a boy?
- We're having a boy!
- [giggles]
- Hey, do you have milk or not?
- Jeez.
- God.
- Fremulon.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh!