Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - The Honeypot - full transcript

Another cold brew?

Don't mind if I "cold do."
Nailed it.

I am loving this machine
that Charles brought in.

It is nice.
The trick is to let the coffee

warm up to room temperature.

I'm already on my second cup.

This is my third.

Stop!

You're drinking too much!

Whoa, what's going on, Charles?
Why are you talking so slow?

I'm not.
I'm normal.



We're all normal.

Oh! My God. If you're not going slow,
that means we're going fast.

Are we going fast? Can anyone
tell if we're going fast?

I don't think we're going fast
at all in any way whatsoever.

I feel like we're going slow
in every way whatsoever.

- Captain, how do you feel?
- Great. Excellent. Amazing.

I feel better than
I've ever felt at any moment

- in my entire life.
- So we're all fine?

Yep.

Synced & corrected by MaxPayne
== https://subscene.com ==

Hey there, Captain.
Oh, is this your new assistant?

John Urblan.
Nice to meet ya.

And John Urblan
has just been fired.

- What?
- I have?



Meet "ya"?
You just abbreviated

a one-syllable word.

- Is this for real?
- Yes.

Now clean out your "des."

I removed the K
so you'd understand

how absurd "ya" sound.

Oh, boy.
Sorry, John Urblan. Bye.

Okay, sir, so that is
the third assistant

you've fired in three days.

Because all the candidates
are garbage.

Microsoft Word
is not a special skill,

Marcie Lux from South Orange.

Come on, look at the size
of that stack of résumés.

There's got to be someone good.

Oh, yes, perhaps I should
keep an open mind.

Perhaps cross-country skiing
is a valuable skill

in an office environment,
Marcie Lux of South Orange.

Okay, so we can agree
Marcie Lux is out of the mix.

Well, they all are.

I'll just make do
with no assistant.

No, don't just give up.

Maybe you haven't found
the right person yet.

I found Gina.
Maybe I could try.

Okay.
I suppose it's worth a shot.

I can always fire
whoever you choose.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Commence Operation: Nasty.

New Assistant Selection Team...

You.

Operation: New Assistant
Selection Team You?

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Everyone will just call it
Operation: Nasty.

You don't have to turn everything
into a Thomas Cruise film.

Why not?
Movies are super fun.

Meanwhile, real life is very boring.

That's why no one watches documentaries.

Tell that to the man sitting next to me

at last Saturday afternoon's
screening of "Ryuichi Sakamoto: Coda."

Was that man Kevin?

- Yes.
- All right,

I'm gonna help you find
a new assistant.

Operation: Nasty is a go!

Hey, can I talk to you guys?

Ugh, you're not selling those
crapola candy bars

for your daughters' doomed
basketball team again, are you?

- Doomed?
- Yeah.

They're terrible and you know it.

Well, I'm not selling candy.

That's next week.
Please bring cash.

What I want to talk about is how our office
has turned into a junkyard.

Yeah, you know,
this place is a mess.

I mean, it's like an episode of "Hoarders."

And not one of the funny ones,

where they find a bunch of flat cats.

The problem is, Commissioner Kelly
is never gonna reopen the first floor.

We should just fire
some of the uniforms.

But not you.
Uh, we couldn't survive

without you, Greg, and...

also Greg?

James and Michael.

No one is getting fired.

We just need to organize
this place.

Nah, do what I do.
Embrace the mess.

You've got a bagel stuck to your sweater.

Look, I don't want to sound like a
Scully here, but I think it's hopeless.

Nobody could organize this place.

- Nobody?
- Here's what I need.

Sticky notes,
three sizes, ten colors.

Permanent markers,
clickable only.

I don't want caps slowing us down.

And I need garbage bags, 33 gallon,
blackout, cinch top.

What are you all still doing here?

Go, go, go!

Captain Holt,

I'd like to introduce you
to your new assistant.

Drumroll, please.

That's your drumroll?
When a tempo isn't specified,

any reasonable person
would default to lento.

Well, it's terrible,
and you ruined a fun thing,

but I would still like to introduce you
to Mr. Gordon Lundt!

Mr. Gordon Lundt!

Gordon,
you want to come in here?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I was just deciding whether
I should just go home.

The tone and tenor of your introduction
make me worry that this is a "fun" office,

which I would not enjoy.

Ehh?

Hello, I'm Captain Raymond Holt,

and I can assure you,
this is not a fun office.

Thank goodness.

In that case,
my interest is renewed.

Here is my résumé.
Oh, I'm feeling this.

Are you guys feeling this?
Gordon, why don't you

tell Captain Holt
a little bit about yourself?

Where to begin?
I'm 174 centimeters tall,

I can type 103 words per minute
with an error rate of 1.6%,

and I recently moved here
from Philadelphia,

which is the sixth most populous U.S. city.

I understand the city of Philadelphia

is coterminous with Philadelphia County,

making it the eighth-largest
metropolitan statistical area.

Yeah, Philly's cool.
Isn't it fun

- just telling each other facts?
- Yes.

Well, I think I have
all the information I need.

- Thank you for coming in, Mr. Lundt.
- My pleasure.

So...

looks like Operation: Nasty
is a full-on success, huh?

You mean Operation: Nasty Sex Slut.

- Didn't you see him flirting with me?
- No, I most definitely did not.

Then you're a blind man
and a prude to boot.

Did you see his tie?
A single Windsor.

The easiest knot to undo.

Why bother wearing any clothes at all?
I think you badly misread that interaction.

Please. He did everything
but lick his lips and purr.

Get rid of him, and bring me someone
who can keep it in their slacks.

Did someone say
to take off our slacks?

No, not even close.

Oh. Well, keep me posted.
My dogs are barkin'.

What dogs?

Okay, Marie Kondo
came up with a system

to unclutter your life.
You look at an object,

and if it doesn't bring you joy,

you throw it away.
Try it, Sarge.

Hello, backup pair of suspenders.

Do you bring me joy?

Yes, because you have tab endings
and a sweet leather yoke.

I'm so glad you're in my life.

- I guess I'm keeping 'em.
- Ooh, let me try.

Hello, bag of old dried mushrooms.
Do you bring me joy? Yes!

You provide rich, earthy flavor
to both soups and teas.

I guess I'm keeping mine too.
This is fun.

Guys, you can't keep everything.
That defeats the purpose.

I got this, Ames.
Hello, unsolved case.

Do you bring me joy?

No, because you're boring
and you're too hard. See ya.

Personal items only, Scully.
Get that case out of the trash.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Sir, we need to talk
about Gordon Lundt,

and before you ask,

- I have not fired him.
- Yes, I noticed.

He's been strutting around
like a peacock,

trying desperately to arouse me,

his unwilling peahen.

Did you hear
there's a barrel-making exhibit

at the Brooklyn Museum of Industry?

Yes.

Has he no shame? The door was open.
I think he wanted people to hear.

Yeah, well, I didn't fire him because
I thought you were being crazy

and I wanted to change your mind, so I
called all the places he used to work.

You didn't do that
before you brought him in?

What? No, you check references after
there's a problem. That's hiring 101.

Anyways, it turns out he never
worked at the Philadelphia PD.

So he's a liar and a hussy?
Why is he still here?

Because I started thinking,
why would he lie?

And the answer is:
Because he's a spy, planted here

by Commissioner Kelly.
Think about it.

You've been rounding up all
the captains who oppose him.

Kelly wants those names.

Gordon was sent here to seduce you.

- He's a red sparrow.
- You mean a honeypot.

Potato, tomato, but yes.

He is the world's most boring
sex spy,

and he's here to infiltrate
the Nine-Nine.

No, this is just you still trying
to make everything into a movie.

This is the real world, Peralta.

There are no spies in our midst.

I'm sure Gordon just lied
on his résumé to get a job.

Oh, really? Then how come
he's in this old staff photo

from the Three-Six?

Kelly's old precinct?

You're right.
Gordon's a honeypot.

Or a red sparrow.

Buzz, buzz, little bee.

Fly, bird, fly.

- Buzz.
- Fly.

- Buzz.
- Fly.

- Buzz.
- Fly.

The point is, we're on
the same page. He's a spy.

Hey, Hitchcock.

God, you scared me.
I've got a razor.

Sorry.
I need the bathroom.

Fine, but you're lucky
I didn't cut myself.

Yep, sure am.

Have a good one, buddy.

- Any poopers?
- None.

What is this? Why are we
meeting in the bathroom?

Super cool meeting spot.

Don't roll your eyes at me,
Daria.

Commissioner Kelly sent a spy
into our midst.

This is happening.
We need to talk about our plan.

Okay, here it is.
I'm going to fire him.

You can't do that.

In a movie, when you find out

someone's a spy,
you don't fire them.

You can either
have them murdered...

- Not an option.
- Yeah, I know, we're cops.

Blah, blah.
No one likes this side of you.

Or we can launch
a counter-spying mission.

I just want him out
of the Nine-Nine.

If we can prove
that Kelly sent a spy

into one of his own precincts
to seduce a captain,

it's gonna look really bad
for him.

- And how will we prove that?
- With Operation: Dragon.

Don't Reveal Anything,
Gordon's Our Nemesis.

- No.
- I worked so hard

on that acronym.
You're not even

going to acknowledge it?
All right, look,

if Kelly's been communicating
with Gordon,

there has to be evidence
on his laptop.

Yeah, but he doesn't leave
his computer unattended.

It's always in his bag, which
he always has on his person.

How do you know that?

I've glanced
at his work satchel.

I'm married,
but I'm still a man.

Choosing to ignore that.
Now, if there were only

some place where they make you
check your bag,

like an airport,
or even a museum?

No.
I couldn't.

Couldn't you?

Mr. Lundt,
would you like to go

to the barrel-making exhibit
this evening?

Yes, Captain Holt.
I could make time for that.

I need a shower.

Okay, I went through my desk
and got rid of everything

that didn't give me joy.

You didn't get rid of anything.

Because it all gives me joy.

Picture of Nikolaj, joy.

Cocktail napkin from my
first date with Genevieve, joy.

Birthday card
from my urologist, joy.

He was the only doctor
of my entire

urethral support staff
who remembered.

All right, I don't think
Marie Kondo's gonna work here.

We need something stronger.

The Norwegian system:
Munkensmat.

It was designed by a radical
group of Scandinavian organizers

who are doing things with cubbies
that would blow your minds.

We need to Munkensmat.

- "Munkensmat"?
- Sexy, right?

In Munkensmat, you get rid
of all personal possessions

- except one.
- I can't do that.

What, I'm just supposed to get rid
of my great-grandfather's shoes?

He had one baby foot.
This is cruel.

Munkensmat isn't cruel.
It's freeing.

When you cling to these things,
you cling to the past,

and you don't leave room
for new experiences.

Okay, what one thing
should I keep?

Hatchet or Blu-ray
of "The Intern"?

You can always watch
"The Intern" online.

Not the extras.

There's a virtual tour
of Jules' kitchen.

Monster.

Well, Sarge, what's it gonna be,

pictures of your kids
or those suspenders?

Terry can't
throw his family away,

but these are nice suspenders.

Are they special
in some kind of way?

Damn, Amy, I told you
about the leather yoke!

Terry, you're clinging.

- Munkensmat.
- My turn.

It's between my seizure medication
and this fidget spinner.

I think I made the right call.

Uh-oh. I forgot that it lit up.
I've made a terrible mistake.

Look at that. They put the
sherry barrels right up front.

Ugh. I hate it when museums
pander to the tourists.

Oh, I think you need to check
your bag, Gordon.

It's a small price to pay to make
sure the barrels are protected.

My thoughts exactly.

- The package is headed your way.
- Copy that.

This better work.
I'm debasing myself out here.

- What must people think?
- Relax.

There's literally no other
people at this museum.

Thank you very much. Here is $100.
Pleasure doing business with you.

You know, you could have just stolen the
bag, and wouldn't have noticed or cared.

Ugh. Be better, Yanya.

- Okay.
- Yanya!

Okay, sir, I am cloning the hard drive.
You should only have to distract him for...

three hours?
Good Lord.

Do you think that you can talk
about barrels for three hours?

Watch me.

Ah, Gordon, take a gander
at this brine barrel from 1787.

It looks to me like the work of
master hooper Josiah Wooldruff,

who learned the craft from
his father Jesiah Wooldruff,

who in turn learned it from his.

I'm already so bored.

The slats are not flat.
They're curved.

The base of the barrel
is approximately 20...

Every barrel is inspected
before usage.

The key is that the oak
was cured and shaped

by Josiah's cousin Joshua,

who was a cooper
and not a hooper.

Wait, are you still
at the same barrel?

Please move on to another one.

There are so many barrels
in there.

You know what?
Let's look at that barrel.

- Oh, thank God.
- It's a brine barrel as well.

It was also made in the 1780s.

In fact, it's identical
to the last barrel.

Let's review
why that's interesting.

No!

Having each selected
our one item,

we move on to stage two,
cleansing.

In Munkensmat,
you don't just throw away

your discarded belongings.

- You incinerate them.
- What? Can't we just donate this stuff?

So you can go to Goodwill after work and buy
back those suspenders you're so attached to?

- No.
- Now, in true Munkensmat,

you pile all of your belongings on a raft,

push it out to the icy sea,

and set fire to it with a flaming arrow.

But since we obviously
don't have an archer...

I'm an archer.
I have like six bows in my car.

Really?

Launch.

Oh, Munkensmat.

Munkensmat.

Munkensmat!

Have you reviewed the
contents of Gordon's computer?

Did you find anything?

Uh, well, hem, haw...

Are you literally saying
"hem" and "haw"?

Look, I haven't found
anything, okay?

Not a single email
between Kelly and Gordon.

So I whored myself out
at that museum for nothing.

Not entirely for nothing.
You know? We had fun.

Sneaking around, bribing
people, lying, stealing stuff.

Coming home and having my husband
ask me why I smelled like barrels?

Seriously?
What did you say?

I told him everything.
He understood,

until I showed him a picture
of Gordon.

The thought of me at a museum
with that ten?

He banished me
to the guest room.

Captain Holt, are you in there?

Oh, no, it's him.
What does he want?

Do you think he knows something
happened at the Barrel Museum?

I wanted to talk to you about something
that happened at the Barrel Museum.

I think he knows. This is bad!

Well, the longer we talk,
the more suspicious it seems.

- Tell him to come in.
- Come in!

Oh. I prefer to discuss
this matter in private.

Anything you have to say to me, you can say

- in front of Peralta.
- Very well.

- I've been sent here to spy on you.
- What? I am truly shocked.

We are both shocked.

Commissioner Kelly knows you're recruiting
a team of captains to oppose him.

He asked me to find out
who they are.

But I've decided
I won't help him.

- Why not?
- Because... I've fallen in love with you.

What?
That is truly shocking.

- For real this time.
- What?

The plan was for me to
weaken your defenses

with my brazen sexuality.

I wouldn't say "brazen"

so much as
"completely undetectable."

I couldn't have been more obvious.
I wore a single Windsor knot.

I might as well have a sign around my neck
that reads "DTF."

"Desiring Thorough Fornication."

- Nope.
- Exactly.

Oh.

At first, the flirting
was just part of the ruse.

It meant nothing to me.

But then the Barrel Museum.

- I fell hard.
- Not surprising.

It is an erotically charged atmosphere.

The curve of the slats, the
rivets, the bilge, the bunghole.

Okay, I am actually starting
to hear the sex talk now.

The bunghole is the least
erotic part of the barrel.

- It's simply functional.
- Sure.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Bunghole. Continue.

Captain, I know nothing
could ever happen between us,

but I care about you too much
to do Kelly's dirty work,

which is why I'm tendering
my resignation.

That's very honorable.
I accept.

Oh, no, you don't.
This could be our chance.

We can turn Kelly's agent
into a double agent.

Operation: Double Dragon.

Oh, it's all starting to happen.

I don't want to play
these movie spy games, Peralta.

- It could backfire.
- Or it could frontfire.

- What?
- It worked.

Gordon, do you have
any hard proof

- that Kelly sent you here?
- Nothing in writing.

We only communicate in person.

Okay, so you call Kelly, arrange for
a meeting, then you wear a wire,

and we have tape of the
commissioner admitting that

he's spying on one of his captains.

It could work, but I could never
put Gordon in that position.

I would do anything for you,
Captain Holt.

Thank you.
And you can call me Raymond.

Captain Raymond Holt.

- I don't think that's such a good idea.
- You're right, too much.

That should never have happened.

- Agreed.
- Wait, what?

Did something just happen?
I've been standing here the whole time.

What did I miss?

What did I miss?

What did I miss?

Hey, can I take
a couple photos of your desk?

I want to submit them
to "Organizers Quarterly."

- What?
- There's a magazine

- about organizing?
- Yeah.

I want to be featured
as Organizer of the Month.

Just imagine, me on the cover

with tons of scarves
lying around.

I'm holding them up like,

"This is too many scarves.
We got to do something!"

Okay.

Ooh, now can you open
the drawers?

If you want to get featured,
you got to show them

what's under the skirt,
know what I mean?

Uh, no, there are case files
in here.

I don't want any sensitive info
to get out.

I'll blur the personal stuff.

Come on, this is the money shot.

Seriously, Terry?

You didn't throw out
the suspenders?

What?
That's not fair.

I had to throw out Great
Grandpa Ellen's bitty shoe!

Why are you even holding on
to these?

I've never seen you wear them.
I haven't.

I saw them at the store, and
they're obviously way better

than my normal suspenders.

- Are they?
- Yeah! Tab endings, leather yoke.

I can't keep describing them.

- All right, calm down.
- I'm sorry.

I bought them right before
I took the lieutenant's exam.

I was gonna wear them on
my first day as a lieutenant,

but then I failed the test.

I thought I'd keep them
just in case I ever pass it,

but I'll be honest.

That's never gonna happen.

I'll just throw them out.

There.
You can take your photo now.

The deadline's tomorrow.

We're just listening from afar.

Do we really need to be in disguise?

Yes, Carmine.
Yes, we do.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Your cover is Carmine Frunch.

You have emphysema, and your
best friend is your pet bird.

I'm not sure I like this persona.

Well, if you make it too cool,
it's not believable.

By the way,
my name is Jackson Fox.

I'm an NBA player,
and LeBron James is my best friend.

Oh, here comes Kelly.

So, Mr. Lundt.
Good to see you.

What's all this about?

Captain Holt and the Nine-Nine.

That's it, Gordon.
Lure him in.

He's plotting against you
with a group of captains.

I'm only here because he asked
me to help him entrap you.

- What is happening?
- He's triple-crossing us.

Holt is listening in
from that surveillance vehicle.

Hey, Gordon,
can you still hear me?

- Yes.
- You are blowing this, man!

Oh, hi, Raymond.
Good to see you.

- Pull up a chair.
- Cut the crap.

Stop masking your evil
with a candy cane smile.

Ooh, I love candy canes.

Everyone loves candy canes,
John Kelly.

Now admit you sent in
this boring bastard

to honeypot Holt.

It feels like you two
are the spies

based on your disguises,
et cetera.

Nuh-uh.
This is who we actually are.

A professional basketball player

and a guy with a bird friend.

Oh, it's not just
about disguises.

Everything that you recorded
on your wire

clearly indicates that
I was the one being spied on.

- Ow.
- Case closed.

Pretty cool, huh?

I can't wait to play that tape
for the mayor.

You are gonna look so bad,
Raymond.

You're never gonna get away
with this, Kelly.

Oh, I already have.

Worked out better
than I expected.

I just sent Lundt in
to find out which captains

you'd rallied against me,
and then you decided

you wanted to bug
the commissioner of the NYPD.

Somebody shot themselves
in the foot.

Hey, do me a favor.

Put your resignation on my desk
in the morning.

I'm so sorry, sir.
This is all my fault.

Operation: Double Dragon
was a debacle.

Yes, it was.

If only someone had thought
to plan a backup operation.

- Did you do something cool?
- I did something very cool.

While I was banished
to the guest room,

I flipped across one
of those Thomas Cruise films

on Home Box Office,
and I realized something.

On a spy mission,
there's always another twist.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying I knew

you would triple-cross
our double-cross,

so I planted a microphone
in the napkin holder.

There's one in the flowerpot.

Ketchup, mustard.
There are mics in both.

- Where?
- In the tips.

Oh, this is so great.
Where else are there mics?

- Nowhere.
- Oh.

But there are cameras!

There's a camera,
there's a camera,

and there's a camera.

I've got you on tape, Kelly.
You're screwed.

The only thing that's gonna be
on your desk in the morning

is a list of my demands.

Operation: Triple Dragon
is complete.

- You named it.
- Not only did I name it,

Triple Dragon is an acronym.

Two Righteous Individuals

Performing Law Enforcement
Directives Rapidly

Against Gordon Our Nemesis.
Triple Dragon!

This is the best thing
that's ever happened!

I mean, not for you, obviously.

It's bad for you.

What is all this junk on my desk?

It's not very Munkensmat.

They're study materials
for the lieutenant's exam.

You can't give up.

You're gonna take
the exam again,

you're gonna ace it,

and then you're gonna wear these.

My lieutenant suspenders.

You fished them out
of the trash.

No, they were covered
in precinct goo,

but I got you a new pair,

- leather yoke and all.
- Aw.

Some things
are worth clinging to.

I was wrong.

Or Niles Bunkampf,

the inventor of Munkensmat,
was wrong.

- Yeah, that guy's an idiot.
- Was an idiot.

He got rid of all his objects,
including his clothes,

and froze to death
in a snowdrift.

Why didn't you tell us that

before we burned
all our treasures?

Eight framed photos of my dad,
up in flames.

So does this mean we can start

keeping personal objects
in the office again?

Yes, on one condition.

No one tells Bruce
from "Organizers Quarterly."

I'm definitely not gonna
reach out to Bruce.

Oh, thank you.

You're a good friend.

Ah, good morning, Captain Holt.

You're looking refreshed.

Interesting.
I didn't sleep a wink.

Let's just say Kevin no longer
has me in the guest room.

Nice. My two dads,
straight smashin' it.

Sorry, that came out weird.
Title of your sex tape.

But more importantly, how did
it go with Commissioner Kelly?

I gave him a list of my demands,

and he's agreed to back off
of vigilant policing.

- Whoa, that's amazing.
- But that's not all.

I also got something
for the precinct.

Is it a fighter jet?
How did you get a fighter jet?

We don't have the budget
for that.

- It's not a fighter jet.
- Aw.

I got him to reopen
the first floor.

It's back to normal.

It's beautiful.

Thank you, sir.

I couldn't have done it
without you.

As a matter of fact, I'd like
to take you out tonight

for a thank-you dinner.

Oh, I would love that,

but I'm gonna have to take
a rain check,

'cause Amy and I
already have plans.

Although I'm pretty sure
you would approve.

So this is a brine barrel.

It's made by Josiah Wooldruff,

who learned the craft from
his father Jesiah Wooldruff,

who in turn learned...
You know what?

This was a terrible idea.
I'm sorry.

- Don't you dare stop.
- Oh.

Okay.

Josiah's cousin Joshua
was a cooper,

not a hooper.

Oh, mama.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.

Fremulon.