Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Bimbo - full transcript

I'm here!
I'm here, I'm here.

You can start the meeting now.

The meeting is over.
You're late.

You missed roll call
and the tutorial

on using the new copiers.

Six years, and no matter
how hard I try, I still can't

get you to understand the
importance of being punctual.

Maybe you should just give up
and accept me for who I am?

No, I will break you.

- Right now.
- Oh.

While you were out being tardy,



I was hard at work
devising a special punishment.

I've crafted an intricate
personal high five

with everyone in this office
except you.

What?
But you hate high fives.

Yes, every minute of it
was hell.

But it'll be worse for you.
Squad, dismissed.

Good-bye, Diaz.

Salute into a fanny waggle?

- Good-bye, Boyle.
- Oh, the snake charmer!

Good-bye, Jeffords.

- That's a butt bump.
- Good-bye, Santiago.

Double fist bump
reverse explosion

into a Pete Townshend strum.

[SIGHS]
All right, that was terrible,



but it's over now,
and I made it through.

Good-bye, Leonard from Xerox.

What?
No, no, no.

The copy guy?

Synced & corrected by MaxPayne
== https://subscene.com ==

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

So nice of you to stop by,
Kevin.

Enjoy your day.
I hope it's productive.

Thank you, Raymond.

I hope your day
is productive as well.

PDA in the office?
My, my.

- Couldn't help myself.
- Hmm.

Oh, may I please use
the precinct facilities

before I head to work?

Yes. Thank you for asking
for permission.

Thank you for granting it.

[SIGHS]

Whoomp.
There it is!

Got to say, I could have used

a little more oomph
on the whoomp.

That's the oomphiest whoomp
you'll get.

So what's going on? Why'd you
want to meet in private?

I need your help with a case.

Three antique coins were stolen

from my classics department
at Columbia.

So why not ask Captain Holt
for help on the case?

Wait, are you guys getting
a divorce?

I can handle it.

This doesn't bring up
any weird issues for me.

No, it's nothing like that.

Raymond's a brilliant detective.

It's just when a case
involves me,

he can get a little
overemotional.

- You remember the safe house.
- Oh, yeah, he went crazy.

But I also remember you and me
becoming best friends

and watching every Nic Cage
movie ever made.

Can you still quote them all?

No, I purged myself
of that nonsense.

- Oh, I bet it's still in there.
- It's not.

- We'll see.
- We won't.

- There's a chance it's in there.
- Chance of zero.

I'd put money
that maybe it's there.

- You're losing your money.
- Okay.

- So will you help me?
- I don't know.

I want to, but keeping a secret
from Holt?

- That's a lot of pressure.
- Hmm.

Am I remembering correctly?

Don't you...
eat pressure for breakfast?

[GASPS]
Nic Cage in "The Rock."

We are best friends.
I am so in!

[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, no, that's Raymond.

That's how he opens a door.

Kevin, are you still in here?

Uh, yes, Raymond,
I'm in the stall.

Some tickets were just released

for Mahler's Fourth Symphony
this weekend.

Great. That sounds great.
Let's do it.

Fantastic. Now, which section
do you prefer?

The first tier,

the second tier,
the third tier...

The first tier.

Now, which section
of the first tier?

Right, left, right center,
center...

Just any section is fine.

[LAUGHS] Any section, wow.

Someone had pepper
on their eggs this morning.

I'll buy the tickets.
[EXHALES]

[CHUCKLES] Any section.

Guys, horrible news.

The fridge broke this morning.
Everything's warm.

Doesn't seem like
that big a deal.

- Your yogurt's spoiled.
- Who did this?

Okay, everyone calm down.

I will put a request in
for a new fridge.

Good luck getting that approved.

Commissioner Kelly's already
slashed our budget

within an inch of its life.

Yeah, the toilet paper's
only one ply now.

- My butt hurts all the time.
- The AC is broken.

My butt hurts all the time.

Scully's butt hurts
all the time.

All right, guys, we get it.

It's just that lunch
is the one part of the day

Commissioner Kelly
hadn't ruined.

People are pissed.
Morale's really taken a hit.

Okay, I got this.

Hey, squad.
Lunch is on me today.

Taking everyone out for pizza.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

And that's how you improve
morale.

Okay. You're not the only
sergeant around here.

Let me help.

This side of the room,
lunch is on me,

and we're getting something
better than pizza.

Sushi!

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Are you trying to outdo me?

No, no, no.

Just trying to raise morale.

Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.

Morale, morale, morale.
Okay.

Wow, so this is your classroom.

What's today's lecture about?

I know you don't care
about that.

Just ask me what you want
to ask me.

Can I play
with your laser pointer?

You know, the laser pointer
is a bit of a misnomer.

It is simply a laser.
The pointer is you.

- That was awesome.
- Take it for a spin.

Don't mind if I do.
Good afternoon, class.

Allow me to make my first...
point.

- Very impressive.
- Thank you very much, Kevin.

But I do have five additional
points to make.

Chair, chair, wall, chair,

Captain Holt.

Captain Holt? No.

[LAUGHS] Yes, that was
a delicious lunch, Gary!

And I agree,
our group does seem happier

than it was before.

Oh, the pizza was that good?

Pizza? Right, that's what
I said we were getting

before we decided to
uh-snazz it up.

Oh, you guys snazzed?

Yeah, we snazzed all the way
to La Petite Creperie.

I thought we couldn't say
"snazz."

Oh, no, I was thinking of f***.

We can't say f***.
Carry on.

Tell 'em how good it was, Rosa.

Tell 'em how high our morale is.

- High.
- Oh, stop gushing, girl.

I think it's so interesting

you guys didn't stick
to your original plan,

because neither did we.

What? Why?

Oh, you don't think we knew
you were gonna snazz?

[SCOFFS] We saw your snazz
coming a mile away.

That's why I took my team out

for some big, juicy steaks,
and...

ALL: ♪ Mashed potatoes ♪

♪ And some spinach
and some key lime pie ♪

- Thank you, Heather.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, that doesn't sound
better than crepes.

It is.
Terry wins.

We know.
We were at both lunches.

How? They were simultaneous
and two miles apart.

It was free food.
Life finds a way.

Okay, but you can't win

because it wasn't a competition.

So let's make it a competition.

Same groups tomorrow?

Okay, but let's agree
at the end of this

- that we'll still be friends.
- No deal.

Good!
'Cause I didn't mean it anyway.

Hello, sir.
How'd you find us out?

Mahler's Fourth Symphony.

He'd never sit
in just any section.

I might.
I'm flexible.

Oh, really?
You'd sit center left?

In timpani alley?

I'll purchase those tickets
right away.

No, don't!
Fine.

Jake is helping me
with a burglary

here at the university,

and I asked him not to tell you.

- Is this about St. Augustine?
- Yes.

- What's going on?
- He's embarrassed of me.

Last Christmas,

the classics department
threw a holiday party.

I had one drink too many
and utterly humiliated myself.

And that was the point
St. Augustine was making

in "Consolation of Philosophy."

Yeah, sounds super humiliating,

saying something smart.

Smart? I confused
St. Augustine with Boethius.

I might as well
have stepped on a rake

and bonked myself
on the forehead.

The problem
wasn't what you said.

It was that Dean Allister
pointed out your mistake,

and you lost your damned mind.

I misremembered it because
I'm reading both simultaneously.

One book is too few for me.

Where is everyone going?

[CLATTERING]

It was quite the kerfuffle.

The problem is, is that I get
flustered and defensive

because I know
how they all see me:

as Kevin's working-class bimbo.

I can't imagine
that's what they think.

- It is.
- Really?

Obviously I know
that they're wrong,

but they put you
in your own head,

and you're not yourself
around them.

I'm sorry, I was just
trying to protect you.

Yes, of course, thank you
for saving me from myself.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll just go sit by the pool
and read some fiction...

like the bimbo that I am.

There's a pool here?

Sir, wait. Oh! Wasn't expecting
to catch up to you so fast.

I don't know what to say now.
I thought I was gonna have

more running time
to formulate it. Oh, I know!

I'm sorry that we kept the case
a secret from you.

Oh, I understand why you did.

The truth is,
ever since I met Kevin,

I've felt insecure in his world.

I can't compete with these
highly educated academics.

I worry every day

that I'll make one
St. Augustine slip too many,

and he'll realize...

- I'm beneath him.
- This is insane.

You're the smartest person
I know.

I'll explain it to you.
Among Kevin's peers,

- I'm a Jake.
- No, no, no, no, no.

I refuse to live in a world
where you're the Jake,

because if you're the Jake,
what does that make me?

- The Charles?
- The Hitchcock.

The Hitchcock?
Oh, my God.

You dropped down so many more
levels than I was expecting.

Okay, you know what?
Screw this.

You are so smart, and we're gonna
prove it to those professors.

You're gonna work this case,

and you're gonna find
those coins.

Well, I suppose
it would be nice to show them

I'm more than just a hot,
dumb piece of ass.

Yes! That's the spirit.

Now get that hot ass moving,

'cause we've got a crime
to solve.

Peralta, please,
have some decorum.

What?
I was just using your words.

Look, you teach people
the way you want to be treated.

That's what Dr. Phil says.

Okay, lunchtime starts
in ten minutes.

Whichever team wins
gets recorded

on the Whiteboard of Victory.

The winner will be decided
by our judges,

Hitchcock and Scully.

Oh, my God, are we
high status, Hitchcock?

- I think so.
- What a world.

Ah, well, good luck.

I'm sure you know
all the best places to eat

since you've reached
Elite status on Yelp.

Oh, wait, that was me.

Oh, because Yelp reviewers

are sane people
with great taste?

Oh, sorry, couldn't hear you
over GourmetGlen12 saying

that my review of the duck skin
at the Hearth and Feather

was helpful.

Come on, Team Jeffords.
It's chow time.

[BOYLE CHUCKLES]

We have a cool thing to say too.

Team Santiago,
let's lunch-a-bunch!

- No, I don't say that.
- Come on, Rosa, please?

[MUMBLING]
Let's lunch-a-bunch.

Aha, Rosa said it!

Did you hear that?
Did you hear it?

- Ah, Dean Allister?
- Policeman Raymond.

Good to see you.
[CHUCKLES]

Read any interesting magazines
lately?

This again?
I was waiting for Kevin,

I had finished my book,
and I happened to glance

at an issue of "The Economist"
that someone left lying about.

All I remember
is you becoming unhinged.

The only reason I
picked it up was to swat a fly.

I mean, I'm not crazy.

Why are there always flowers
here?

So is policeman Raymond
joining the case?

Actually, he's leading it.

Captain Holt
is the finest investigator

I've ever worked with.

Sir, tell him our plan of action.

- Clues.
- Okay, you're freezing up.

I'm just gonna take the wheel
for now.

There were no signs
of forced entry,

the only people with access
to the archives

were the professors
in the department,

and they all have alibis,
which means...

I don't know
what you want me to say.

Okay, that's my fault
for throwing it to you again.

Which means we need to examine
the crime scene.

It is there that we will find

what Captain Holt has
so eloquently described as...

Clues?

[SIGHS] Sir, you just said it.

Cupcakes up, everyone.

Heather, you already ate yours?

The point is to eat it
in their faces.

[HORN HONKS]

- Honk, honk, bitches.
- What the hell?

We rented a party limo,

drove to Coney Island
for hot dogs,

and then did karaoke
the entire time.

I sang "It Wasn't Me"
by Shaggy. Crushed it.

But that's not even about lunch!

- It's...
- An experience.

- Team Amy wins.
- What?

How did you get there?
You were just with us.

- Scully was with them.
- Free food.

Great cupcake, Sarge.

But Amy still wins.
Eat snazz, losers!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Okay, so there were
no witnesses,

no cameras, and no prints.

In other words, we have nothing.

That's what you get when you
put a bimbo on the case.

Okay, well, let's not give up
all hope just yet.

We do know some things.

For example,
the perp entered using a key,

which means they probably
work here.

And they knew enough
to skip past

all these expensive-looking
artifacts.

They walked straight up
to this shelf

and grabbed the coin case
from up there.

It's too high.
You can't reach it.

Exactly.
So now we know that the thief

was taller than me.
That's a good lead.

Also, we know they were
a little bit of a freak,

since I am above average height
according to the 1940 census.

I didn't realize you had
a thing about your height.

I don't!
Because I'm above average.

Why would I have a thing
about my height

when I'm above average? It doesn't
make any sense. [SNORTING LAUGH]

Anyways, we're looking
for an insanely tall perp,

a real Shaq type.

Maybe the thief stood
on something, like...

one of these drawers.

Turn off the light.

Maybe something will show up
under UV.

- Bingpot!
- A footprint.

You did it, you brilliant bimbo.

Oh, there you are.
Why are you in the dark?

Were you not able to find
the light switch?

Ha-ha, very funny,
but I'll actually have you know

Captain Holt just found
a very promising lead.

Oh, how fun, a lead.

Meanwhile,
we actually found the thief.

- You did?
- What?

Well, technically
our janitor found him.

Come on in, Randy.

Tell them how you did
their jobs.

Well, um,
I was emptying the trash

in Professor Port's office.

I saw something shiny sticking
out from underneath a notepad.

It was one of the missing coins.

Great police work.

Perhaps you might want
to hire Randy, or...

Randy, you could hire them.

It seems like you all have basically
the same skill set. [CHUCKLES]

We're actually all staffed up
in maintenance.

We don't want your job, Randy.

I know Dean Allister Humiliated us,
but we can still have our revenge.

I watched a ton of horny '80s
comedies when I was a kid,

and they're filled with ways
of getting back at mean deans.

So we are gonna throw
the wildest party

- this campus has ever seen.
- No.

Okay, then we'll have
a bikini car wash.

No, no, save your schemes.

I know exactly how to get back
at the dean.

- By arresting him.
- For what?

It seems pretty obvious
that Port did it.

No, no, that makes no sense.

Why would someone
steal something valuable

and then leave it in their desk?

I feel like this is
a veiled shot at me

for leaving the crown in my desk

during the third
Halloween Heist.

- It is.
- Oh.

Allister planted the coin
in Professor Port's desk.

- They're rivals.
- Mm.

Did you see the book Allister
was holding back there?

A biography of Macedonian
general Parmenion.

He was taunting us.

Again, I'm the Hitchcock here.

You're gonna have to
connect the dots for me.

Parmenion was a close advisor
to Alexander the Great.

Alexander suspected
that Parmenion

was trying to supplant him,
so he executed him.

He was getting rid of his rival.

Sir, you cracked it!
You and your big hard brain.

- Hard?
- Yes!

You have the biggest, hardest
brain on Earth,

and I want you to say it.

Say "I am Raymond Holt,
and my brain is rock hard."

A brain shouldn't be hard.

If anything, I'll say,
"I am Raymond Holt,

and my brain is soft and wet."

No, don't say that.
It's gross and I hate it.

All right, let's go do
some cop stuff.

Wait, why does Terry's team
have four wins?

He only won steaks, bowling,
and the mobile escape room.

You're forgetting
about our breakfast

at the Empire State Building.

It was so cold up there.

It sounds a lot better than
our indoor skydiving lunch.

Speaking of which, are we gonna
get reimbursed for that?

How dare you complain
about the Funtastic FlyZone.

That was funtastic fun
for everyone.

So what are you guys planning
for today?

Oh, nothing much.

We're just gonna keep it
"caszh."

Us too. Super "caszh."

Super duper "caszh."

We all know you're both planning

something insanely complicated
and annoying.

[LAUGHS] Your teammates
are turning against you, Terry.

- I'm on your team.
- Who cares?

We're gonna win.
Team Lunch-a-Bunch forever.

Sir, why are we still
doing this?

We've been following him
for days,

and he hasn't done
anything suspicious.

Let's just confront him.

He only hid one of the stolen
coins in Port's desk.

He'll probably try to sell
the others.

I want to catch him in the act.

[DOOR OPENS]
Shh. Here he comes.

♪ ♪

[CHUCKLES] These college kids.
I used to wear long-sleeve T-shirts

under my short-sleeve T-shirts.

Wait a minute, I still could.

Hang on.
He's stopping.

Oh, no, he forgot his phone.

He's gonna turn around and see us.
Come on.

- Sorry, sorry.
- Oh, hey, guys, what's up?

You want to join
our a cappella jam circle?

Oh, no.

Are you guys Harry Potter fans?

I do not like
where this is going.

Three, four.

♪ Won't you
come visit Hogwarts? ♪

♪ I'll be alone,
dancing in Gryffindor ♪

♪ Harry is the best
at the spells ♪

♪ And as for potions,
Hermione does well ♪

This is actually pretty funny.

You got to know Harry Potter.

Wait a minute.
Where'd Allister go?

He was standing right here.

It's like he vanished
without a trace.

Wrong, Peralta.
He vanished with a trace.

Check it out. His footprint.
Gotcha.

[WHISPERS] I am Raymond Holt
and my brain is rock hard.

- I'm not going to say that.
- Smart.

Saving it for a bigger moment in front
of a bunch of people. Can't wait!

Okay, squad,
hope you ate lunch already,

because it's lunchtime!

- What's with the getups?
- Oh, nothing much.

We just turned the parking garage
into an elaborate paintball arena.

It's zombie-themed.
We hired 60 actors.

That sounds pretty expensive.

Nah, New York actors
are desperate.

For ten bucks, you can
shoot 'em right in the face.

Wow, that's amazing.

I don't know how anybody
could ever beat that...

except maybe an in-office
teppanyaki grill.

Moshi moshi, losers!

We got shrimp.
We got lobster.

Heather, I know you're allergic
to shellfish.

You're just gonna have to
not eat.

Where's Heather?
Where is everybody?

They're on the roof
by Gina's statue.

- What the hell, guys?
- Oh, God, they found us.

- Don't let them take me.
- Why are you hiding from us?

This lunch competition
has gotten out of hand.

No one is having fun.

I keep having panic dreams

about Sergeant Santiago
shooting down my lunch ideas.

Historic walking tours
don't win lunch, Gary.

No one cares about
winning lunch.

Please, just leave us alone.

[SIGHS]

Gary, wait. Look...

- Oh!
- Ow!

Why did you do that?

Oh, my God, it was an accident.

This thing doesn't have
a safety.

Ow!

Ow, stop!
Help!

And a big round of applause for Janitor
Randy for recovering our precious coin.

Don't applaud for that man.

- What's going on?
- What's going on is,

Captain Holt just solved
this case.

What's there left to solve?
We found the coin

in Professor Port's desk.
He's the thief.

Oh, you'd like everyone
to believe that,

wouldn't you, Dean Allister?

Or should I say,
General Parmenion?

Raymond, are you causing
a kerfuffle?

Yes. Sometimes a moment
calls for a kerfuffle.

No. No moment
calls for a kerfuffle.

You know my feelings on this.

Dean Allister framed Professor
Port to get rid of a rival,

just as Alexander got rid
of Parmenion.

Preposterous. Do you even
have a shred of evidence

to back up that claim?

Oh, we've got more than a shred.
Look at these photos.

Here, a footprint
from the scene of the crime

left by the thief.

And here, another print
made yesterday by you.

- You've been caught, Allister!
- Is it happening?

- Caught by me.
- It is happening.

- Me and my rock hard brain.
- It happened!

Oh, Raymond.
Look around.

These shoes I'm wearing
with their "unique footprint"...

We all have them. They were the
departmental gift this Christmas.

They're actually very funny.

They have Achilles printed
on the heel.

I don't know if I would
call that "very" funny.

I'm surprised you didn't know
about them.

Kevin must have gotten a pair.

Oh, I remember what happened.

You had to leave
the Christmas party

before they were handed out.

Why was that again?
Oh, yes. The kerfuffle.

But what about the
autobiography of Persimminons

you were taunting us with?

I suppose I can see how
holding any book

would seem like a taunt to you.

- I own a book.
- But I don't think Raymond

is remembering
the story correctly.

Alexander didn't see Parmenion
as a rival.

He killed him over a dispute
about his son.

Oh, no, it's Boethius
all over again.

At least you got one thing
right.

You do have a rock hard brain.
Because that's bad.

Everyone knows that a brain
should be soft and wet.

I wanted to say that,
but Jake told me not to.

Yeah, because it's gross.

Thre you are.

- You okay, sir?
- I'm fine.

I have decided
to stop fighting it

and lean in to the fact
that I'm an idiot.

Look at me,
playing a video game.

- Oh, which one?
- "Times" crossword app.

Not a video game.

It plays a little song
when you solve it,

as if you've just learned
to potty.

[PIANO MUSIC ON PHONE] Yes,
yes, play me my dunce's tune.

Okay, so those guys look down
on you. So what?

I mean, Amy's parents
look down on me.

They talk about me right in
front of my face in Spanish

because they don't think
I'm smart enough

to learn another language,
but I've been taking classes,

and now I can understand all the
hurtful things they've been saying.

And how did that help?

Well, now I know
they think I'm short

and I was able
to do some research

and find that 1940s census

that proves I'm above average
in height.

- For 1940.
- Yeah, I'm taller

than the greatest generation.
It doesn't matter.

The point is, you can use this.

There are benefits
to being underestimated.

My goodness.
You're right.

There are benefits
to being underestimated.

You can get away with anything.

Sir?
Are you going to kill the dean?

No. What if the thief
was someone we dismissed

because they didn't have
a classics background?

Someone who wasn't a professor?

But what about the footprints?

The shoes were only given
to faculty.

There was one pair that was
unaccounted for: Kevin's.

They were left at the party...

to be cleaned up.

By Janitor Randy!

My story solved it.
I'm tall.

Hey, everyone, we would like
to say we're sorry

for letting this competition
get the best of us,

and to make it up to you,

we figured out what to do
for lunch.

Please, whatever
your new idea is,

I just don't want
to get shot again.

Ugh, Gary, it was
a paintball. Suck it up.

Isn't this supposed to be
an apology?

Yes. You're right.
I'm sorry.

I mean, I shot my husband with
a real bullet two years ago,

and it comes up way less
than this.

Way less than this.

- Guys!
- Right.

What we're trying to say is
that we lost sight

of what this was all
really about: building morale.

So we bought two-ply toilet
paper for the whole squad.

- I call shotgun!
- Shotgun!

Also, I sold
the teppanyaki grill

and used the money to turn
the briefing room into...

the lunch zone.

Oh, no.
What's the lunch zone?

Is it someplace we have to put
on a harness and not eat lunch?

There are no harnesses.

There are phone chargers
and noise-canceling headphones.

So you can eat your lunch
and stare at your phone

and you won't have to see
or hear anyone you work with.

It's perfect.
It's... it's absolutely perfect.

We're so glad you like it.

And just to be sure,
I'm not gonna get shot.

Oh, my God, Gary.
Yes! You won't get shot!

Yeah, I stole those coins.

Can't believe you bought
that whole story.

They underestimated you, Randy,

just as they underestimated
Raymond Holt.

Well, you guys haven't been
that great to me either.

Well, you got to teach people

how you want to be treated,
Randy. Dr. Phil, RIP.

The point is, Captain Holt solved
the case when no one else could.

He's actually been stealing
from these archives for years.

You've been asleep
at the wheel, Allister.

- You're an embarrassment.
- Really?

Well, at least I've never confused
St. Augustine with Boethius.

Oh, who gives a rat's ass
about Boethius, Wesley?

What are you doing, Kevin?

- I am creating a kerfuffle.
- Oh, damn.

Sure, my husband is
a hot piece of ass,

but he is so much more
than just that.

Raymond Holt is as smart
as anyone in this department,

but he chooses
to use his intelligence

to make our city a better place.

One day, I hope to live up to
the standard you set.

You make me want to have
a wetter brain.

Oh, Kevin.

Y'all are hella specific.