Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - Return to Skyfire - full transcript

Hey, Jake,

guess who just called me?

The Jerky Boys.
They're back!

No.
What?

- No.
- No.

- D.C. Parlov.
- He's in town for LegendCon,

and he has a case for us!

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!

Parlov? Didn't he write
those "Skyfire" books?

I thought he turned out
to be a jerk.

Yeah, but ever since
Jake and I saved his life,



he's actually been
very nice.

He even sent me
a Christmas gift.

A full-scale replica
of the sword of Opadoma.

- Unh!
- Why are you so excited?

You don't care
about those stupid books.

I actually did read
all of them in prison.

They are the greatest books
I've ever read,

- and I've read "Cujo."
- Jake and I really

bonded over "Skyfire."

- Yeah.
- Watch this.

Favorite moment
in the series?

Both:
The summoning of Balacastro.

Second favorite?

Both: The Scarlet Feast!
- Third favorite?



Both:
When you thought Ka'lar

had been swallowed
by the Norolith,

but had just switched armor

with Samling the Betrayer

in the battle of Vorcastle.

[laughter]
Fourth favorite?

Three was plenty.
So was zero.

Okay, I can see
that you're skeptical, Rosa,

but how about this:
come with us on the case!

I know you think it's dumb,
but "Skyfire" is actually

very smart and dark and adult.

It's not for nerds at all.

Ooh! On our way there,
should we sing

the elvish hunting song?

[laughs]

Both: ♪ Sharpen your swords ♪

♪ And string your bows

♪ The beasts have gone away

♪♪ Upbeat music...
*BROOKLYN NINE-NINE*
Season 05 Episode 08
Title: "Return to Skyfire"

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Whoa, look at this place!

Ooh, they're selling
moss wine.

I wonder if it's as gross
as the books say it is.

I can never get into
any of this crap.

I think the reason
is because it's garbage.

Rosa, I think
if you just gave it a chance,

you would get hooked.
I mean,

what is it that you do in
your free time that's so cool?

Fix up old cars
and sell them to celebrities.

That's why I'm friends
with Tom Hardy.

Right, so we agree
that we're all equally cool.

Here we go.
This is Parlov's panel.

"Diversity in Fantasy Writing."

Ooh, the line starts here.

[applause]

Real diverse
diversity panel.

And, like,
people always ask me,

"Where do you get your ideas?"

And honestly, Wikipedia.

I always try
to pull from life.

Queen Tiffany, of course,
was named after

a lovely hostess that I met

in Bonita Springs
in Florida.

You know, I've always wanted
to write a book myself,

but all I know about is cops,
and there are literally

no more cop stories to tell.
Zero.

I've actually been
writing a novel.

Wait, what?
You're writing a book?

When? For who?

For me... for fun.

Look, I'm not trying
to be an author.

I don't even know
how to go about doing that.

Parlov! You should show it
to Parlov.

- He could probably get it published.
- No,

that's crazy.

Like, I'm sure it's bad.
I don't want to be embarrassed.

Terry,
you are a great husband,

father, detective,
painter, dancer,

and you're so jacked
you have muscles on your back.

Everyone has back muscles,
Jake.

Nuh-huh, my back looks like
the inside of a spoon.

The point is,
you're great at everything.

You're probably great
at writing, too.

I am not showing Parlov
my book, okay?

All right.

Here he comes.
Now just drop it.

Sorry, I hope that wasn't
too tedious for you.

It was fascinating,
especially to Terry.

He's a writer,
and he wrote a book.

- Would you read it?
- Both: Dude!

Sure.
Love to, absolutely.

But listen, there's something
I want you to see.

Come with me, guys, all right?

- Jake!
- What?

Terry, you need to believe
in yourself,

like when Morzak answered
the sorceress' riddle!

She turned him into a tree,
Jake.

Yeah, a tree that became

the handle of Prominius' axe.

Parlov is so far away
already.

Yeah, good call.
Let's go after him.

[knocks at door]
Hey.

The desk sergeant said
we're hosting

a forensic sciences course.

Yes,
taught by Dr. Ronald Yee.

He revolutionized the field
of forensic entomology.

He is a rock star.

Oh, please.
Rock stars wish they were he.

The man can tell how long
a corpse had been decomposing

just by studying
the maggots inside.

I'd like to see
Barbra Streisand do that.

I'm not sure Barbra Streisand
counts as a rock star, sir.

She sings in English.
That's rock music.

Well, it sounds interesting.
Can I sign up?

[sighs]
Yes, you can,

but here's the thing:
if we do well at this course,

we receive board certification,

which makes us eligible
to receive a grant

to open a field lab
in the precinct,

but...

Eh... but whenever we have
a speaker come in,

you kind of tend to always

derail these things
with personal stories.

That's how I learn.
I relate course material

to my experiences.

Subjective learning.

Millennials.

I know it's important,
so I promise,

I won't tell any stories,

though sometimes
they do come in handy.

One time,
all the Boyles were in

this fungus cavern, and this
massive

- Charles.
- Mushroom comes... I am so sorry.

I slipped right into it.
I'll be good.

This is my room,
right over here.

Listen, I need just a moment
to clean up.

I had a female visitor
in earlier today

dressed as Concubina.

She got smears of
green body paint

all over everything.

Everything.

He was talking
about his penis.

- I know, Jake.
- He pulls, Rosa.

He pulls.
That's all I'm saying.

I can't believe you told him
about my book.

I'm sorry, Terry, but now

D.C. Parlov is going to
read what you wrote!

How cool is that?

- He's pretty cool.
- Right?

You haven't even told me
what it's about yet.

Well, it's the story
of a Gorgon warrior...

- Awesome.
- Who betrays his bloodline...

- How could he?
- To marry a Cloud Princess...

- He did it for love.
- Even though

- their families are at war.
- No!

- All right, no more spoilers.
- Send it over to me,

and I'm gonna stay up
all night reading it.

- It's only 150 pages.
- I'm gonna stay up

all the next three nights
reading it.

Dr. Yee will be here
any minute,

and we need to make
a good impression.

If you need to cough...

cough now.

[coughing obnoxiously]

My God, what if I hadn't
said anything?

Don't worry, I got this.

Nobody sucks up like a Boyle.

Our scoliosis allows us

to bow more deeply
than normal people.

Huh, here's an idea:
Santiago and I will impress him

with the depth of our
forensic knowledge,

and you can wow him

with your stoic,
silent demeanor.

No stories.
Understood?

- Stoic. Ah.
- Good morning, everyone.

Thank you for having me
at the Nine-Nine.

Sorry I'm late.
Just had to deal

with some family issues.

Cousins, right?

Okay, before we get technical,

let's talk a bit
about the history of blood.

Does anyone here
know any hemophiliacs?

[whispering]
So many...

Now, they played a vital role

in the development
of modern forensics.

Them and leeches.

My cousin Torvald
is a hemophiliac,

and his wife is a leech farmer.

I say "wife,"
but it's a common-law marriage.

For the longest time,
Boyle wedding ceremonies

were not recognized
in the state.

Well, here's the situation:

somebody stole my laptop,

which contained
the unpublished manuscript

of book 13 of
"The Skyfire Cycle."

The person left this note.

"We have your book.

"Pay us $500,000
in the next 24 hours

"or we leak it online.

The first five chapters
are now up."

They've been downloaded
85,000 times.

Well, we should probably
go online

and read those chapters in case
there's some clues in there,

and also maybe we'll find out
Qwandor's true parentage?

Oh that's already
been revealed.

No, it hasn't.
[gasps]

Both:
Unless the prophecy of Dorgon

is indeed true!

But that would mean...

You seem pretty calm for somebody
whose book was just stolen.

Because I know
who took it.

Landon Lawson.

He was on that panel.
He writes

"The Shadowbringer Saga."
It's garbage.

So why would Lawson
want to steal your manuscript?

We both have books
coming out this fall,

and we have a rather public bet

about whose is going
to sell better.

I believe he's leaking
my manuscript online

just to hurt my sales.

You should arrest him.
Well, we're not going to

do anything until we've seen
all the evidence.

If this book fails,

that's the end of "Skyfire."

Let's go take
this son of a bitch down!

Mr. Lawson?
NYPD.

Let me guess: you're here
about the stolen manuscript?

So you admit you did it?
Well, that was easy.

What? No.
Someone stole my manuscript,

and I know who it was:

D.C. Parlov.

Both: By Zorton's Sword!

It's the exact same note
Parlov got.

I don't see why anybody
would want to steal your book.

"The Skyfire Cycle" makes
"The Shadowbringer Saga"

look like
"The BeastWorm Chronicles."

You see, Rosa,
"The BeastWorm Chronicles"

- are one of the more simplistic... Yeah.
- Don't care.

You know what?
My books say something, okay?

I was the only one brave enough
to tackle elf molestation.

Guys, calm down.
You're both victims.

Now, do you have
any enemies in common?

Let me think about that.
Parlov is my enemy,

but he's also his own enemy,

because he's such a boring
and repetitive writer.

He just keeps
killing off characters,

resurrecting them,
and killing 'em off again.

Because of the Chrysalis Orb!

Uh, sorry.

Police officer, on a case.

But we will need you
to both generate

actual lists of people
that might want to hurt you.

We have 24 hours
to figure this out,

but if we don't, are you
willing to pay the ransom?

I'd do anything
to get my book back.

I mean, you understand.
You're a writer.

Do you hear that, Terry?
He called you a writer.

Terry, did you hear?
Terry?

Well, Terry's broken.
Write up those lists.

We're on the case.

Welcome back.

So today, I want to focus on

facial reconstruction.

For over a century,
we used plaster casts

to help identify decomposed
John and Jane Does.

We buried my Nana Boyle
at the family farm,

but because of the soil's
high salt content,

she turned into jerky.

Never mind.
Please continue.

Now, I need one person
per group

to have a plaster cast
made of their head.

Uh, will he... or she...
Be able to speak?

Not while the plaster's on,
no.

- I vote Charles.
- Charles.

I was gonna vote me, too.

I mean, I know the plaster
can dry out your skin,

but as a Boyle,
I'm aggressively moist.

Oop, you gotta close
that mouth, Boyle.

Shh-shh-shh-shh.

Keep still and quiet.

Have you been here
all night?

We traded off,
and each slept a few hours

right here in the break room,

but we got a lead.

You know Miles Moorgil?

He wrote
"The Nocturine Quartet" novels.

Well,
Moorgil is the only person

on both Parlov and Lawson's
lists of potential enemies.

Apparently, they each slept
with his wife.

How do these guys
do so well with women?

Oh, I'm sorry
they don't live up to

your superficial standards
of male beauty, Rosa.

I'm kidding.
It's because they're rich.

Moorgil's here
for the conference.

We're gonna go confront him
and get the laptops back.

Then, maybe, we can see if

Parlov read my book yet.

Oh, well,

I mean, it's been less than a day.
Maybe don't get your hopes up.

Don't worry.
I don't have any expectations.

- Good.
- I'm gonna be at my phone,

just in case a publisher calls.
I mean, someone.

Yeah.
Whatever.

It's fine.
My hopes are up.

All right, buddy.

I couldn't sleep last night,
so I started

reading Terry's book,
and it's terrible.

I made him show it to Parlov.
He's gonna be humiliated.

Relax.
How bad could it be?

So bad, and I'm entertained
by everything.

I once went to a play.

So what are you gonna do
about Parlov?

I don't know.

- Don't know what?
- Uh, how to do...

sex... good.

How much should I be
flapping my arms around?

- Not much.
- Right.

Well, that settles that.

I knew that Amy was wrong.
[chuckles]

Anyways, let's get back
on the case, right?

Skyfire Cycle.

Okay, now that
the plaster's dry,

you'll see why we lubricated
the subject's face

with Vaseline first.

Oh, no, we forgot the lube.

Charles, can you hear us?

What do we do?

Doctor?
Uh, what if someone...

No one in this room, mind you...

Forgot to lubricate
before applying the plaster?

Oh, one of my lab techs
made that mistake once.

It becomes impossible
to remove the mask

without literally skinning
the subject alive.

It takes five days
for the plaster

to slough off
on its own.

And what became
of the lab tech?

Oh, I fired him.
It was an unacceptable

level of incompetence.

Huh, what a satisfying
conclusion to that story.

- Boyle!
- [muffled] Mm.

A mistake was made
and we can't

remove your mask yet.

We're gonna leave you
in here...

until after the class is over,

because if Dr. Yee sees you
like this,

we can kiss our certification
good-bye.

[muffled protest]

I'm sorry, Boyle,

but Hitchcock and Scully

will be here with you.

[muffled shouting]

I don't know, Captain.
He seems pretty upset.

- Hold on.
- [muffled] Mm!

Look how happy
he is now.

[muffled groaning]

Yes, you're welcome, Boyle.

I don't understand.

Why do you think
I would steal those laptops?

Parlov and Lawson
are your rivals.

You're jealous
of their success.

And of course,
you have a personal motive.

You hate them
for sleeping with your wife.

What?
They slept with my wife?

And you didn't know.
[laughs]

Well, this is awkward.
We should probably just go.

- Jessica!
- She's here.

- That's wonderful.
- Yes, sweets?

Did you sleep with

D.C. Parlov and Landon Lawson?

- Uh...
- Why would you do that?

You've ruined our marriage.
You've ruined it!

You know, this seems like
a conversation

for just you two,

so... oop,
here comes a child.

Mommy?
Daddy?

Are you getting divorced?

Are they getting divorced?

Both: Uh...

Oof.

Okay, that was a rough
70 minutes.

- Yeah, but...
- That kid looked exactly like Parlov?

100%.

Both: Oh...

Anyways,
that was our last lead,

so looks like we're back
at the Nil Caverns.

Did you just say
the Nil Caverns?

- Hm?
- Like,

- from my book?
- Uh, yep.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I did,
because you told me about them

when you were
explaining the plot.

I didn't, but that's because
I wanted the Nil Caverns

to be a surprise.

Why didn't you tell me
you read my book, Jake?

- Uh...
- Oh, no.

- You hated it.
- What?

Terry, no, I didn't hate it.

I liked tons of parts.

Name one.

Name one part you liked, Jake.

The map?

I didn't draw that!

It was a map
of the Chesapeake Bay

with the names
slightly changed!

[gasps]
Oh, my God.

You made me show Parlov.

You humiliated me
in front of my hero!

Sarge, I'm sorry.

Look,
I didn't just like the map.

I also liked...

the spaces between the words!

That's not helpful.

♪♪

You guys got
a million dollars together

on 24 hours' notice?

Yeah, I had to liquidate
my Bitcoins.

Oh, really?

I would've thought
you'd be flushed with cash

from the "Skyfire" TV series.

Oh, wait, that's right.

The CW passed.

How's the "Shadowbringer"
film coming along?

Howie Long still playing
both twins?

All right.
Let's go over the plan.

Okay, there's a potted tree
on the east side of the lobby.

They said to leave
the briefcase behind that.

If someone grabs it,
Rosa, Peralta, and I

will converge.
We'll be positioned

around the room in disguise.

It's not gonna work.
I don't own a nerd costume.

Oh, but Rosa,
you are already wearing one.

You naturally dress
like the female bounty hunter

in every steampunk novel.

Look.

All you need
are welding goggles.

Damn it.

I have welding goggles
in the car.

Shall we to battle?

♪ Mask on, mask on ♪

♪ Mask, mask on ♪

♪ Got your mask on, mask on ♪

♪ Represent, yeah,
gotta represent ♪

To solve that problem,
we would use

fluid dynamic analysis.

That is exactly right.
Well done.

Where's your friend?

Shouldn't he be here
for the plaster removal?

Something came up,
so he had to remove the mask,

which came off quite easily,
and run out.

It was urgent
police business.

Bunch of kids
are being held hostage,

so he had to go
deal with that.

Oh, well,
if you need to leave

to provide him with backup...

- No, it's a teachable moment.
- The children

- can handle themselves.
- Captain Holt?

Your husband's on the phone.

He wants to know how long

you're going to kiss
for tonight?

Would you excuse us
for one moment?

Your husband
didn't really call.

I wasn't sure what
gay guys talk about

on the phone.
How'd I do?

Scully, what do you want?

We were watching Charles,
like you said,

but both of us had to
go to the bathroom really bad.

Ugh.
Where's Charles?

We have no idea.

Both: What?

- Terry, do you copy?
- I copy.

Seriously?
You're still mad at me?

All I said was "I copy."

Yeah, but you had a tone.
Just admit it.

- Let it go, Jake.
- No, he's right.

Terry had a tone.

Terry had a big-time tone.
Don't worry.

I bet he hasn't even
read your book yet.

It's been two hours.
I'm almost

at the front of this line.
I don't even know

who I'm waiting
to take a picture with.

"Bran Stark?"
Pass.

Okay,
he's just the three-eyed raven.

Here we go, here we go.
We got action.

He dresses just like you,
Jake.

- Is that someone popular?
- Yes,

Rosa, it's Ka'lar.

17th of his name, sworn knight

of the Queen's Crown,
the Daybreaker,

- the rightful heir to...
- All right.

You can just say "Ka'lar."

Uh, then how will you know
which Ka'lar I'm talking about?

It's a very common name
in "Skyfire."

It's like their John.

He's going
for the briefcase.

Okay, let's go.

Don't make your move
until you're close to him.

There's too many civilians.

♪♪ Tense music...

Wait, why are there
so many Ka'lars?

Costume contest
just ended.

That's why he waited until now
to pick up the money.

I lost him.
Which one is it?

It's the one headed toward
the service elevator.

Hey!
Freeze!

NYPD.
Let me see your hands.

What's going on?

Doesn't have the briefcase.
I got the wrong Ka'lar.

- I have eyes on him.
- Take him down!

[grunts]

Wrong Ka'lar...

Boyle's not
in the interrogation room.

He couldn't have gotten far.
He can't see.

You can go a long way
on muscle memory alone.

One time, I sleepwalked

to the M&M's store
in Times Square.

[loud banging]
Oh, oh!

Stairwell.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

I'm okay.
It's okay. [screams]

Sorry, stranger.

I just can't see anything
at all,

and it's really scary
being touched.

- Are you okay?
- Yes.

Just return me
to the 99th precinct.

Boyle, it's us.

Where were you going?
Why would you leave

that windowless supply closet
we locked you in?

Ah, yes, hearing it,
I understand why.

I was trying to get
to the locker room

to steam the mask off
in the shower

so you guys could
still get certified.

Wait.

You were trying to help us?

Even though you'll be stuck
in this mask for five days?

Five days?

Well, I know how important
the course was to you.

It's not.

- Not anymore.
- [screams]

I'm so sorry.

I just cannot see at all.

I can't believe it!

Now I'm out $1/2 million!

What am I supposed to do now?

Write another
"Compendium of Beasts"?

Do you have any idea
how hard it is

to find enough interns
to slap that crap together?

God!

Don't worry about him.

At least we got
to stop that thief

from releasing
any more chapters.

All we're out is some money,
plus I've got insurance,

so I'm going to
get it all back.

By the way,
Detective Jeffords,

while we were waiting,

I had an opportunity
to read your manuscript.

Oh, don't worry about that.

It's a work in progress.

Has a lot of changes I...

No, no, no, it was great.
Truly.

Fantastic. I mean,
it was so fresh, you know?

It had a really unique
point of view.

I sent it on
to my publishers.

Thank you for allowing me
to read it.

And I want to thank you all

for your hard, hard work
on this case.

Appreciate it.

[breathing excitedly]

Ooh, did you hear that?

He loved it.

D.C. Parlov loved my writing!

You were wrong!

And being wrong
never felt so right.

Oh, that sounded cool.
Did I just make up a hit song?

♪ Being wrong
never felt so right ♪

♪ With the Addams Family
staying up all night ♪

Yep, I was right.
It's a hit.

I gotta go call Sharon!

All righty.
Well, congratulations, Sarge!

And don't forget about us

when you become
a famous author.

Terry's writing sucks.
Parlov is lying to him.

What?
Why?

I don't know.

He's buttering him up...

because Lawson and Parlov

stole their own books!

♪ Well, they stole
their own books ♪

♪ It's plain to see ♪

♪ But who's on the case ♪

♪ The Addams Family ♪

♪ Terry is Gomez,
I'm Cousin It ♪

♪ You are Wednesday,
let's do this ♪

Okay, we should go.

Why do you think these guys
are in it together?

They hate each other.
They spent an hour

arguing over the name
of the dragon in "The Hobbit."

- "Smog."
- "Smowg."

- Smog!
- Smowg!

- [yelling] Smog!
- [yelling] Smowg!

It's "Smowg," by the way...

Point Lawson... but yes,
they're mortal enemies,

which is why they think
we'll never suspect them

of being in cahoots.

Oh, but they cahooted, Rosa.

They cahooted all over us.

Gross.
Why'd they leak their chapters?

To get people excited,

like when Carly Rae Jepsen
puts out an amazing single,

and you have to wait six weeks
for the album to come out.

She's great.
I'm not apologizing.

So Parlov contacted Terry
because he knows

Sarge is a super-fan
and can be manipulated.

Yes, he's been giving Terry
presents since last year.

And Terry's novel gave Parlov

another chance
to manipulate him.

Unless...

is it possible Parlov actually
likes Sarge's writing?

Read the first sentence.

- Yep, Parlov did it.
- Very much so.

Gah!
Now I have to tell Sarge

that his fantasy novel stinks.

This is the hardest part
of being a cop.

Now, there are issues
with RFLP testing,

as there are
with every technique, but...

Captain, I thought you said

your friend removed his mask
and left.

I forgot to lube up his face.

We failed to listen
to the instructions.

That is incredibly careless.

I know, and it means
we won't receive

our certification,
and I'm okay with that.

Unless my honesty...
No, it's off the table.

And I'm okay with that.

Well, anyway, RFLP testing

was designed to localize
genetic disorders, and it...

Ooh, my cousin Donna
has a genetic disorder

where her lips
were made of cartilage,

meaning her mouth
is technically a beak.

I don't see how that pertains

- to anything...
- No, let him talk. I want to hear it.

Boyle, tell us about
your cousin's beak.

Well, she runs marathons

to raise money for other people
afflicted with "bird-face."

There are only two of them.

They're her kids.

Oh, Sarge!

Funny seeing you here.

Oh, that reminds me.

I have to tell you something.
What was it?

Out with it, Peralta.

Okay, fine.
Here it goes.

I think that...
Parlov hated my book.

He only said he liked it
so I wouldn't figure out

he and Lawson
stole their own manuscripts.

- You figured it out.
- Well, I had a gut feeling,

so I went digging.

I got a warrant
for Parlov's browser history.

He searched
"how to liquidate Bitcoins"

three days before
the laptops were stolen.

Man, I bet that browser
history was a nightmare, huh?

- Oh, you have no idea.
- Yeah.

Anyway, I questioned them,
and they confessed.

I can't go to prison, okay?

I know I seem tough,
but I'm not.

I went to Bennington.

- Ew.
- I'm sorry Parlov

didn't like your book.
And I didn't. And also Rosa.

- Why did I add that?
- No, it's okay.

At least I won't waste
any more time

- trying to be a writer.
- Wait,

let me ask you a question.

Are you a better cop now
than when you started?

- Nope.
- Wasn't talking to you.

Yeah.
I look back at my old cases

and I can't believe how long

it took me
to figure things out.

Yeah, but you worked on it,

and you kept working, and now,

12 to 40 years later...

I don't have a good sense of
your age...

You're a great cop
who got a "gut feeling"

and solved a huge case.

So you think
I should keep writing?

I mean, you might not
become a huge famous author,

but you'll get better,

and if it makes you happy,

it can't be that bad.

Sheryl Crow, she's great.
I won't apologize.

And who knows?
Claire Essalgorn

didn't start writing the first
"Crimson Portal" novel

until she was 60.

I started reading it because
the character looks like me.

I kept reading it
because it's so good!

Rosa, you did get hooked,
you big nerd!

This heroine is my heroin.

Oh, such a dweebus.
I love it!

Speaking of which,
Parlov's laptop is in evidence.

Want to go read
the new "Skyfire" book?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, he's such a bad guy.

Do we even like his books
anymore?

[chuckles]

Both:
♪ Sharpen your swords ♪

♪ And string your bows ♪

♪ The beasts have gone away ♪
Sync corrections by srjanapala

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.