Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 22 - Jake & Amy - full transcript

I can't believe
this is a rec center.

It looks amazing.
You look amazing.

Foxy as hell.
Simmer down, Boyle.

No, no, I love it.

Amp it up, Boyle. Happy to.

Jake, your body's kicking

and skin is clear
as a summer day.

Ooh!

Jake. Ames, you look beautiful.

But when are you
getting your makeup put on?

Y'all, she woke up like this.



Not now, Jake.
We're in crisis mode.

The cake hasn't arrived yet.

Mason woke up
with the chickenpox,

so we don't have a ring bearer.

Plus, look
what I found on my veil.

Ooh. I planned everything

so perfectly, and now
it's all falling apart.

No, it isn't.
Take a deep breath.

All right, we got this.

Terry, Rosa, will you please
take this veil to a dry cleaner.

And if they won't do a rush
job, make them. Use force.

I mean, we're not
gonna abuse our power.

Of course not. We're good cops.

I was just exaggerating.



Rosa, I was not exaggerating.

Great.

Okay, now for
the ring bearer situation.

This actually might be
a blessing in disguise.

I know that he's your nephew,

but I wasn't
super jazzed about Mason.

Yeah, he should be cuter.

His face is too small
for his head.

He's a Dick Tracy villain.

But I have an idea
for a new ring bearer

who is very adorable

and very obedient. I would be...

I'm talking about
Cheddar the dog.

- Yep, right.
- Brilliant.

He loves responsibility.
I'll go pick him up.

I'm gonna go with Holt.

Seems like people are
pairing off for adventures

and we have the best rapport.

Cheddar? Are you crazy?

What about my... Allergies?

Got your meds right here.

I brought them just in case

Hitchcock decided
to wear his toupee again.

It's very clearly
not human hair.

Human hair is indistinguishable

from badger fur.

That is absolutely not the case.

But that reminds me, you two,

our wedding band
canceled last minute,

and I need you
to find a replacement.

You can count on us.

Flattop and The Freak.
We always deliver.

Our band canceled? Not in
any way, shape or form.

But it's a very stressful day
and I thought things would

go better without
Hitchcock and Scully here.

Aw, that's so smart.

Look, babe, we planned
a great wedding.

It's gonna be a perfect day.

Phone call for you sir.
Ah, thank you.

That would be the cake guy
saying he has arrived.

- Hello?
- Jake Pera/ta?

Yes? There's a bomb
at your wedding.

It's set to exp/ode at 5:30.

Everyone inside will die.

So, that was not the cake guy.

Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK

Okay, we called the bomb squad

and got everyone
out of the building.

We should leave. Who would
do something like this?

Well, I clearly have
an arch-nemesis.

Finally. Must be
someone I put away

who's hell-bent on revenge.

He's probably gonna
make me choose between

saving the city and
saving the woman I love.

Little does he know,
I can save both.

How are you so calm right now?

Someone is trying to blow us up.

I'm calm because
there's not really a bomb.

I mean, if you're
trying to kill someone,

you don't call and
give them a heads-up.

So they're just
trying to scare us?

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.
The bomb squad's on their way.

They'll do a quick sweep,
find nothing and split, and

this will just become a funny
story we work into our vows.

"Amy, there was a bomb
at this wedding."

"Ya butt. Ya butt is da bomb."

Please don't say that
during the ceremony.

Is it that you don't like
wordplay or

you don't want me to talk
about your butt at all?

Because one of those notes
is really gonna pull a thread.

How did this guy even
find out about the wedding?

The stupid
engagement announcement

Charles put in the paper!

It had the time and location
of the ceremony.

Amy, be very careful about
throwing around accusations

like that, because
if you're trying to say

I somehow ruined Jake's wedding,

then I'm gonna kill myself!

So tread lightly.

Okay! Just
take it easy, Charles.

Nothing is ruined.

See? The bomb squad
is already here.

And they brought a robot.

This is exactly how I imagined

my wedding would be
when I was a kid.

Well, well, well.

- Amy Santiago.
- Amy, look.

Your ex-boyfriend is here
on our wedding day.

Why? This is my crew.

Yeah, you called me boring,
so I leveled-up my cool.

And now I run the bomb squad.
I also started traveling.

I went to Belgium.
They have the best spaghetti.

Teddy, let's get everything
out on the table here.

Last time we saw you,
you kind of proposed to Amy.

So you're not still
in love with her, right?

No, I definitely am.

My therapist told me
to stop trying to get over it.

Oh, weird that you wouldn't
hide it even for your own pride.

But seriously, don't worry.
I'm a cop.

I have a job to do, and I'm
gonna do it professionally.

That's great.
I'm happy to hear that.

Meaning I will be doing

a super thorough sweeping
of the building.

It's gonna take hours,
so you should

probably just cancel
the wedding.

Anyway, congrats you two.

Congrats on the bomb squad.

Charles! Right.

So are you bringing
someone to the wedding?

No, I'm taking a break
from dating for a while.

What?

I'm sick of asking people
how many siblings they have.

Oh, is it somewhere
between zero and two?

How fascinating.

But you never know when you're
gonna find your dream person.

Anyone on the street
could be they.

All right,
it feels like you Googled

"how to talk to
your bisexual friends."

Yeah. Look, the point is

you can close yourself off
all you want.

The universe will find a way.

That is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

Car's here.

Hi. I'm here to pick up Rosa.

Are you the one I'm looking for?

Now, Cheddar,
when I give the signal,

you go directly to where
the bride and groom will be.

Here we go.

Hup. Hup. Hup. Hup.

Good boy. Good, Cheddar.

How did that look? Very weird.

You're not gonna trot by the
dog at the wedding, are you?

No, of course not.
I'll be officiating.

You'll be the trotter.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

Oh, my. What?

I just got an email
from the mayor's office

telling me if I'm the next
commissioner of the NYPD.

Well, well, well, finally
something to care about today.

What's going on, guys?

Someone called in a bomb threat.

Seriously?

Is this because of Boyle's
stupid engagement announcement?

Yes. No!

They won't let us back
in the building.

But there's not really a bomb,
so it's just temporary.

What about you guys?
Did you get the veil?

Terry has it. I do?

Oh, no, I left it in the car!

It's not my fault.
The driver was so hot.

Not for me, for Rosa.

She was clearly
flirting with her.

Oh, I know, I'll just call the
company and bring her back here.

And then who knows
what'll happen?

Wait a minute,
did you do this intentionally

so I'd have to
see that girl again?

No! That's crazy.

This is Jake and Amy's wedding.
I would never do that.

But you gotta admit,
it does seem like

the universe is
pushing you two together.

Terry! Right, right.

Look, we'll go find the veil.

I can't believe
this is happening.

Don't worry about them.
Let's go check on Teddy.

I'm sure he's
made a ton of progress.

Nope. Haven't even gone in yet.

Still putting on the bomb suit.

Yeah, my job is super dangerous,

but I like
living life on the edge.

Which is kind of sexy
if you think about it.

There's no bomb.

If they wanted us dead, they
wouldn't have called first.

It's not always
the bomber who calls.

Maybe he had a young daughter,
found a key to a secret room,

came across some blueprints,
felt guilty,

and wanted to save your life.

Seems unlikely. Well, Amy,

in this life, it's sometimes
the unlikeliest outcomes that...

Feels like you're winding up
to propose again here.

I was. Good catch.

Amy, would you... No!

You still did it. All right.

Well, this is gonna
take a while,

so you have time to reconsider.

Off to do my
super dangerous job.

I can't handle this.
I need a cigarette.

I knew that you would,
so I came prepared.

Nicotine patches.

You just put it
on your shoulder and...

Whoa, stuck it right
on your face, huh?

I want it as close
to my brain as possible.

That's unsettling.
All right, listen up.

I think I know how to fix this.

All we have to do is figure
out who my arch-nemesis is,

track him down and
get him to admit to Teddy

that there's no bomb.

We have three hours
to save this wedding.

That's good. I love you so much.

I love you too. Wait.

You're talking to the
nicotine, aren't you?

I can love two things.

Look, I was told to drop off

one Nakatomi Plaza
wedding cake at 2:15.

Yeah, but they won't
let us inside the venue,

so can you please take it away
and bring it back later?

Sorry, ma'am, I can't.
I have other deliveries.

Man, it's gonna melt in the sun.

Don't worry, Amy,

I'm gonna keep it chilled
with my cool breath.

Oh, my God,
the cake looks amazing!

Charles, why are
you spitting on it?

Because I didn't
ruin your wedding.

Okay.

Were you able to
trace the number

that called in the threat? Yes.

It was a burner, but they caught it
pinging off a cell tower in Fort Greene

one block away from
the last known address

of Frank Gillespie. Who?

I arrested him
for armed robbery in 2008,

and he got out of Rikers
a year ago.

He's got be my arch-nemesis.

He's definitely
obsessed with me.

Just 'cause you arrested him?

Well, we didn't have
enough evidence against him

at first, so let's just say I
had to get a little creative.

You framed him? What? No. Ames.

I went undercover and
became best friends with him.

And then he told me
about his lymphoma,

and we ran a 10K together,
and then I arrested him.

He felt so betrayed.
The trial was very emotional.

All right, let's go talk to him.

That must be our guy.
Hey, great attitude, Ames.

You're handling this
really well.

Ah, there they are.

All right, she should
be here any minute.

Her name is Alicia.
Switch with me.

That's your good side.
I have a bad side?

Oh, damn, you didn't know?

All right, can we just
focus on finding the veil?

Really, it's not a big deal.

I'm sure it's in her car.

Oh, there she is.

Do you mind if I slyly
mention you're single?

Do not do that.
You won't even notice.

Hey, you needed to see me again?

Rosa's single. What?

Ignore him. We left a dry
cleaning bag in your back seat.2.

Oh, uh, I didn't see anything,
but you can take a look.

The veil's not here, Rosa.
We're so screwed!

Hold on. Don't freak out.

Rosa!

What the hell are you doing?

What? You were
the one that said...

That was before
the veil went missing,

when life was breezy!

Why is this so heavy?

'Cause you made them do
an all-frosting interior.

Oh, yeah.
I can't wait to eat it.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, Gina,
there was a bomb threat.

Teddy won't
let us in the building

and we had to get our
cake out of the sun

and now you're in charge of it so
we can go find my arch-nemesis.

All right.

Thank you very much.

Everything okay? Don't know.

They only said "Gina" once,

and it was kind of
in the beginning.

Huh. Did you read the email?

Are you the commissioner?

I haven't opened it yet. What?

Today is Peralta
and Santiago's wedding.

I don't want to
make it all about me.

So you're scared to open it?
Don't be absurd.

I simply want
everyone to focus on

the bride and groom,
and not on whether

my lifelong dream, which I
spent decades working towards,

has collapsed
in front of my eyes,

leaving me
untethered in this world

and unsure of my very future
with the NYPD.

All right.

Okay. Gillespie's apartment
is right over here.

This is exciting. We're
gonna catch my arch-nemesis.

Do you think he has a shrine of photos
of me with the eyes scratched out?

And let's not rule out the real
possibility that it's entirely sexual.

Oh, man. That will be
super-upsetting and so cool.

I know it's amazing...
Okay, okay. Focus up.

Let's do this.
Right. You look great.

NYPD.

Hello? Is there a problem?

We're looking for
Frank Gillespie.

Frank? He died a year ago.

What? What happened?
Well, his lymphoma came back.

But really, it was the
loneliness that killed him.

Somebody hurt him, and he just

couldn't make friends
after that.

So it seems like
he died because of me.

Just gonna lock that up
in a little box in my brain

and never open it.

Hey, do you remember
Dario Moretti,

that money launderer I arrested?

He lives right around here too.

So? He hated me.

What if this is the work of
my arch-nemesis and not yours?

So you're suggesting I'm
not involved in this at all?

I mean,
you hear yourself, right?

That's a bit of a stretch.
Yeah, Amy.

Are you actually mad that
someone might not hate you?

Yeah, I am, Amy!

Oh, wow, that's
a bad color on me, isn't it?

All right, fine,
we'll check out your guy

and I'll be totally fine
with it if it's him.

Oh, man, you got a whole shrine!

Even the eyes
are all scratched out.

Babe, when we're married,
we're gonna share everything.

Bank accounts, health
insurance, arch-nemeses.

Aww, that's nice, Ames,

but you don't have to say that.

Charles, will you put this
picture of me up on the wall?

Copy that. You want
the eyes scratched out?

Uh, you know I do.

Lieutenant Wells!
Where is Teddy?

Hi, Jakey. Aunt Linda.

What are you doing here? How'd
you get past the police barricade?

Well, I moved them.

Now, I know I was
supposed to come here solo,

but I had to
invite my friend Barb.

She was so down in the dumps.

Yeah, that's all fine.
Don't worry about it.

Actually, you know what?
That's not fine.

Barb can't be here. You
can't just add someone day of.

Oh, hey guys, what's up?

Teddy, meet Dario.

He has a wall
full of Amy photos,

and he's the one
that made the bomb threat.

And I'm Aunt Linda.

Okay, Aunt Linda,
I love you but you gotta go.

Okay? Thank you.
Give us a moment here.

All right, Dario,
tell Lieutenant Wells

what you told us.

Okay, I've hated
Detective Santiago

since she arrested me,
and then I saw

that engagement announcement
in the paper.

But you could have figured out
where the wedding was

even without that, right?

No, I was trying.

I had totally given up, really.

Oh, God, what have I done?

Anyway, I made the threat,
but there's no bomb.

Just like
I've been saying all along.

Now, can we please
go back in the venue?

First of all, there's
nothing inherently creepy

about a wall of Amy photos.

Uh-huh. Secondly,

I'm not gonna just
take this guy's word

for it that there's no bomb.

Why not?
He's the one who would know.

So you think a cop should
just stop what they're doing

as soon as a criminal
tells them they didn't do it?

Oh, my God! That is
actually a really good point.

So I only had one passenger
after you, and he got off here.

Well, what did he look like?
I don't know.

I mean, he was wearing
some dumb hat.

I'm sorry,
I know that's not helpful...

All hats are dumb.

Ha!

What the hell?
Is that your laugh?

Also, quit vibing,
and help me solve this.

Sorry, man.
It's what the universe wants.

Screw the universe.
The universe is a dick.

Maybe it fell out
when he got out of the car.

Wow, you are so smart.

Oh, oh, yep, yep, yep.
Here it is.

Uh-oh.
It's kind of dirty-looking.

But, you know, that's why they
put it in a dry cleaning bag.

I'm sure everything inside
is totally...

Nope. Soaked in urine.

Damn it, New York.

Kay, you've been staring
at your phone for 45 minutes.

Just read the email.
What if it's bad news?

Sir, do you know how many times

I've not gotten
something that I wanted?

How many? Zero.

Because I have a trick.

Whatever that email says,

you just act like that's
what you wanted all along.

Well, I can't fake it.
I want this job.

For years, I've worked
nights and weekends.

I've sacrificed friendships.

I've jeopardized
my relationship with Kevin.

And now,

to find out
if it was all in vain.

Yeah, let's not check it.

It feels like
there's a lot on the line.

Agreed. Let's just grab
Cheddar and go to the wedding.

Where is he? Cheddar?

Cheddar!

Cheddar the dog!

Oh, he ate the cake.

Oh, Cheddar,
you furry little pig.

Okay, Amy.

I got through every room
and I cleared them very fast,

because I love you
and I want you to be happy,

even if it's with somebody else.

Did that new tactic work? No.

You just called it a tactic.

Can we get in the venue or not?

Not quite yet.
There's one more vent

we can't get into,
and our snake cam broke.

We got another one on the way.
It'll be here in about six hours.

What? No. We need it now.

People are already here.
I'm sorry.

The vent is very
tight, and no one

on my team can get into it.

I've been doing a lot of Pilates

so I'm pretty huge
at this point.

I'm going in.

What? Look, this
is all my fault.

I put the announcement
in the paper

and ruined this day.

And now I'm gonna be
the one to fix it.

Get ready, you two.

I'm about to save this...

Bomb! There's a bomb!

Damn it, Dario. Why'd you
say there was no bomb?

Because I wanted to kill Amy.

Then why did you
call in the threat?

I didn't. My daughter
found my hidden room

and discovered some blueprints.

Yes, fine, Teddy.
You were right.

Now can you please
get the bomb out of the vent

and dispose of it somewhere?

Honestly, I wish we could.

But it's too dangerous to move.

We have to diffuse it on site.

I have to evacuate
this entire block.

It's gonna take all night.
Wait, so you're saying...

Wedding's off.
For real, it's over.

Jakey, what's this that
I hear that there's no rabbi?

Not now, Aunt Linda!

Okay, so we just finished
processing Moretti.

Did you talk to our parents?
Yeah.

They ended up
having dinner together.

It sounded like they had fun. Our dads
only got in one arm-wrestling match.

Who won? Neither.

They both threw out
their shoulders.

What a disaster.

Yeah. But, look, I know

it seems like
everything sucks, but

why don't we just
get married tomorrow?

You know, we won't have
a venue or a band

or any of our guests,
but we could go to city hall.

Jake, do you really
want to get married

in the same place people go
to get restraining orders?

Amy Santiago, I would
marry you any time, any place.

I would marry you in the steaming
filth of the Gowanus Canal.

Sweet. But also, gross.

I would marry you on
the G Train in the summertime

when the air conditioning
is broken.

Damn, really?

I would marry you on top of
the Empire State Building.

Well, that sounds kind of nice.

During a King Kong attack.

Oh, yeah, that's not good.

Okay. City hall it is.

No! I was eavesdropping.

I'm always eavesdropping.
I don't like it.

Look, I didn't spend
the last seven years

watching your love ripen,
only to have it

sullied by a city hall wedding.

You're getting married
right here, right now.

What? Come on.

Boyle, I don't
even have a dress.

You can wear Gina's.
I'm sure it's white.

There's no way
Gina was gonna wear

a white dress to my wedding.

No, I definitely was.

What? I thought you'd just wear

a grey pantsuit or something.

I would never wear a grey
pantsuit to your wedding,

I promise you that.

This is happening. Jake and Amy
are getting married tonight.

Title of my sex tape! What?

Whoo! Yeah. Whoo. All right.

I got a lot to work.
Lot of work...

What... Give me
a half hour! Whoa!

Wow. You look beautiful.

Thank you.
This dress is incredible.

Gina, this would
have been so crazy

if you wore this to our wedding.

I know.

Hey, Amy, I know
I ruined your veil,

but I made you a new one.

It's a shower curtain. Uhh...

Yep, Terry fumbled the task.

But we got you a bouquet.

Wow. That's gorgeous.

Thank you.
Where did those come from?

Alicia found a florist in the city
that was still open and picked them up.

All right.

Keep it in your pants.
Okay, here we go.

Jake, Amy, let's go downstairs.

It's wedding time!

So here it is.

I really hope you like it.

But if you don't,
I will kill myself.

Charles, it looks amazing.

It's beautiful.

How can I ever repay you?

Get pregnant.

Use your body to
give the world more Jake.

Holy crap. All right.

I'm gonna take Charles
away from you now.

I will see you up there.

Wait! Stop everything.
We're here.

Where have you guys been?

You sent us out to find a band.

Right. I definitely
remember doing that.

It took a while, but I
think we really nailed it.

Check this guy out.
We found him on the subway.

Hey, I know you.
You're Melipnos.

No. We have never met.

No, I'm pretty sure we have.

You sell me horse blood? No.

Would you like
to buy horse blood?

No. You know what?

Maybe we don't need
music for this.

That's totally fine, we can
just skip that part of it.

Guitar.

Holy crap. Melipnos
plays like an angel.

Amy, we're a go!

Hey, Melipnos. I don't know you.

Okay.

Please be seated.

Friends, colleagues,

gawking New Yorkers,

we are here today
to celebrate the marriage

of Jake Peralta
and Amy Santiago.

I've known you both
for the last five years.

And it has been
a true pleasure to watch

your distracting
childish rivalry

evolve into a distracting
childish courtship

and now into
what I'm sure will be

a distracting childish marriage.

I'm proud of you.

And I love you both.

Permission to say it back?
Permission granted.

I love you too, sir.
Love you, Captain.

Now I believe you've
prepared your own vows?

Yes, I was going to do

an Addams Family-themed rap,

but my beat-boxer isn't here.

That's the only reason
it's not happening.

So, Ames,

today has been a crazy day.

But I shouldn't be surprised,

because we've had
a lot of crazy days.

There was our first date,

our first kiss,

the first time
you told me you loved me,

and the day you told me
you would marry me.

Also, yesterday,

and the day before that,
and the day before that,

because every single day
that I get to be with

someone as amazing as you
is crazy to me.

I love you.

And I'm worried about dancing
in front of our friends.

The end.

Okay, well.

I've been planning this wedding
for the last six months.

And if you told me yesterday

everything that
was gonna go wrong,

I would have had a panic attack
that sent me into the ER.

But I'm here,

and I've never been happier.

Life is unpredictable.

Not everything's in our control.

But as long as you're
with the right people,

you can handle anything.

And you, Jake Peralta,

are the right person for me.

But I do have some bad news.

There is a bomb
at this wedding as well.

What? Your butt. Your
butt is the bomb.

There will be no survivors.

I love you so much.
You're my dream girl.

I love you too.

I can't wait to spend
the rest of my life with you.

Ring bearer,
please, bring the rings.

But I thought
Cheddar was sick...

Oh, my God.

You got the robot.
There's a robot at my wedding.

Yeah, I felt bad about how
everything went down today,

so I offered to help.
Oh, that's nice.

Also, are you guys doing that
thing where someone gets to

object to this union,
or is that later?

We're not doing that.
You've outsmarted me.

- Congratulations.
- Okay.

Moving on.

Do you, Amy Santiago,

take Jake Peralta
to be your husband?

I do.

And do you, Jake Peralta,

take Amy Santiago
to be your wife?

I absolutely do.

By the power vested in me
by the state of New York,

I'd like to announce

that your honeymoon vacation
request status

has officially been moved
from pending to approved.

You're married.
You may kiss the bride.

Congratu/ations once
again to Jake and Amy.

And now that everyone's here,

I have an email that
I need to open.

All right, weirdo,
not something we usually

announce to the squad.

It says if he got
the commissioner job.

Oh, my God! What?

He was too scared
to read it all day.

I was, until I heard
something very wise tonight.

Life is unpredictable.

Not everything is
in our control.

But as long as
we're with the right people,

we can handle anything.

So I'd like to receive
this news with all of you.

He quoted me. Okay, here we go.

Well, from the look on my face,

I'm sure you can
guess what it says.

No! We have no idea at all.

Just tell us, you monster!