Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - Gray Star Mutual - full transcript

Hey, Charles, want to grab
a beer before you go home?

- Ooh, a yeast feast.
- Never mind.

No, no, no,
I want to go, it's just,

there's a huge emergency

I have to deal with first.

Oh, no.
Is everything okay?

It's about my food truck.

I have to get a parking spot.

Oh.
That doesn't sound as intense

as you were making it out
to be.

Move your ass,
you old bitch!



What is happening?

We have to get there by 7:00

when they lift
the parking restrictions.

It's the best spot
in Brooklyn,

and everyone wants it.

Get the hell out of the way!

Charles, I highly doubt
the entire food truck industry

is racing to get into
this one spot.

It's not "Mad Max."

We're neck and neck
with rice pudding.

You got Korean tacos
on your six.

Oh, my God, it's real.
We're on the Fury Road.

Witness me, blood bag!

Hold on tight!



*BROOKLYN Nine-Nine*
Season 05 Episode 18

*BROOKLYN Nine-Nine*
Episode Title : "Gray Star Mutual"

Sync corrections by srjanapala

That was the most stressful
thing I've ever gone through,

and I was wrongfully imprisoned
last year.

That was fun.

Every aspect of owning
a food truck is fun.

It is fun, fun, fun.

What the hell do you want,
Troy?

You stole my spot,
you son of a bitch!

Oh, go on, get out of here.

- I'm not going anywhere!
- You're just jealous. I made a signal,

- and you made an illegal U-turn!
- Give me a break.

- I should call the cops!
- Oh, are you gonna

call the cops?
Yeah, I'm gonna call the cops!

- I am the cops! Why don't you go back
- Oh, you're a cop now?

To your garbage truck
and cook some pudding?

You're gonna regret this.

Kill yourself, Troy!

Jake, I have a confession
to make.

The food truck is kind of
stressing me out.

Bad news, Captain.
A water main burst downtown.

- There's been several injuries.
- Oh, that's unfortunate.

And the victims are
in our blah-blah-blah,

but tell him the real tragedy,
Terry.

- Olivia Crawford...
- AKA your main

commish competish.

Tweeted a statement addressing
the water main break,

and she's been retweeted
by the mayor.

"Kudos to our brave officers"...

- Hey, now.
- Whoa! What is going on?

It's in all caps.

Anyway, I don't see
how this is bad news.

Because
the commissioner race,

like all of life,

is a popularity contest,

and Olivia is sitting
at the hot senior table

whilst you
are eating lunch alone.

If the mayor wants to make me
the next NYPD commissioner,

it'll be because of my record
and my qualifications,

not my social media presence.

This is a serious job.
I know.

But like it or not,
the decision is political,

and social media
is a part of politics now.

You need a Twitter account.
Not gonna happen.

The whole thing is inane.

Besides,
140 characters is far more

than anyone needs
to make a point.

They actually upped it to 280.

Oh, good God.

I'm so miserable, Jake.

The truck is hemorrhaging money.
I'm going bankrupt.

- I never see my family.
- All right, look.

You just have to find a way
to reduce expenses.

I've started saving $200 a month

just by buying "John Wick"

instead of renting it
every two nights.

I have cut costs.

I fired my only employee, Ted,
which was awful.

Okay, look,
I hate to ask this,

but have you considered
shutting the truck down?

You're always bragging about
how much Boyles love to give up.

I can't.
I'm in so much debt.

I took out a loan for the truck.

I got Amy to invest.

No, the only way out
of this hole is to keep digging.

That's not how holes work...
Title of your sex tape...

Charles, look, you're gonna

find your way out of this,
I swear.

- It's all gonna work out.
- You're right.

You know, if I just work hard
and stay positive,

I'm sure it'll be a huge success

and everything will be okay.

There you go.

Hello?
Oh.

Okay.
No, thank you.

So my truck burned down.

Hey.

Someone robbed a bodega
on 4th Street.

It's the fifth one this week.

It's so sad that
someone's targeting bodegas.

They're part of the fabric
of New York.

- You shop at them a lot?
- No. They overcharge

for everything,
and they sell rat poison

right next to the bananas.

Yeah, they're gross.
I hope they never change.

Anyway,
Holt wants us to interview

some of the bodega owners
and figure out

where to assign
additional uniformed officers.

I put a map up
on the server...

No!
Just email it to me.

I hate servers. Bye!

Wait. Why'd you close
your laptop so fast?

- What are you hiding?
- Nurthing.

- You're hiding something.
- What?

- Just 'cause I said "nurthing"?
- Yes.

No!

Aww, you're looking
at wedding dresses?

- That one's dope.
- That's not what I was doing.

My computer must've gone
to this site on its own.

- How is that possible?
- It's broken, Y2K.

I'll fix it.

There, it's fixed.

- You're weird.
- I know.

Oh, God.
My truck.

This truck was my baby!

All right, look, Charles,
I know you're upset,

but maybe there's
a silver lining here.

I mean, you had insurance,
right?

Yeah. I already called them.

So maybe you'll get some money
for this,

and you can pay off your debts,
starting with Amy.

I'm sorry, that was selfish.
Forget I said it.

You can pay off your debts,
starting with Amy.

Whoops, I did it again.

You're right.
This is my way out.

It's a miracle.

Oh, my God!

Jake? Boyle?

Adrian.
What are you doing here?

I'm an insurance
investigator now.

I thought you were in Alaska.

Oh, yeah, I was,
after Rosa and I broke up,

but then I accidentally killed

a "protected buffalo"...
Self-defense.

Next thing I know, Fish and Game
are all over my ass.

I ended up in a fight
with a bear,

and I had to think to myself,
why am I even here?

- Wait a minute.
- You fought a bear?

Big time.
The trick on that:

head-butt him in the penis,
push him over a cliff.

Ah, I bet that works
with a lot of animals.

Only the male ones.

- Learned that the hard way.
- Hmm.

Anyway, you know that
if you guys want

to get in touch with me,
there's easier ways

than burning down your truck,
right?

What?
Burning down my truck?

Yeah, it's obviously arson,
you did it,

you're not gonna get a dime

and are probably gonna go
to jail.

So... what's going on
with you guys?

Give me that juicy
Nine-Nine goss, am I right?

This is insane.
I mean,

Charles loved this truck.
It's his baby.

There's no way
he'd burn it down.

The world is
a messed up place, Jake.

People kill their babies.

Babies kill their parents.

It's the circle of life.

- That was clearly a triangle.
- Okay, fine, busted.

I just had the stove's
gas line cleaned.

Maybe it was put back in wrong
or something.

Look, I've caught
enough arsonists in my day

to know that the owner
always does it.

Chuck, how's the truck
been doing?

- Pretty terrible.
- Hmm?

I was just saying,
it's a miracle it burned down.

Okay, I know Charles
sounds hella guilty right now,

but you know he didn't do it.

Charles, this isn't
looking good for you.

Anybody else that might have
done this? Any enemies?

Well, my dad's
best friend and I

have a pretty intense rivalry,

but I don't think my aunt
would do anything illegal.

Oh, my God.

Wait.
The rice pudding truck guy!

Oh, my God.
That bastard Troy.

We just got into a fight
about this very parking spot.

He said I'd regret it.

Yeah, and that's
what happened.

You're regretting it!

Come on, you know
we didn't commit arson.

- Adrian, this is us.
- Not the TV show.

- We are your friends.
- Not the movie.

- You got to have faith.
- Not the song.

Are you doing this on purpose?

- The third one, yes.
- Okay.

I'll admit, arson does seem

out of character for you.

Okay, look me in the eyes.

Look me in the eyes
like the bear did.

Okay.

I believe you,
and together,

we're gonna catch the SOB
that did this.

I'm so glad he didn't
head-butt me in the penis.

That's all I was thinking
about.

Cheddar!

- That's a really good job.
- Stay, stay.

What's going on here?
Why is Cheddar here?

And why is he in swim trunks?

Because
the little sailor outfit

- wouldn't fit his tush.
- Excuse me?

We're setting you up
a Twitter account,

and the fastest way
to get followers

is cute animal pics.

I follow an account
that's just

this one real grouchy
chinchilla.

He hates waking up so much!

He really does.
He's like "Ooh!"

This is ridiculous.

This has nothing to do
with police work.

Exactly.
It's about being noticed,

and right now,
no one is noticing you.

I didn't even realize
we were talking

to a third party, presently.

Fine. If you really
think it's necessary,

I will establish
a social media presence.

But I'll be setting up
my own accounts,

and I assure you,

I won't be resorting
to foolish gimmicks

involving my dog.

Uh, you might want
to rethink that stance,

because how cute would Cheddar
look in this hat?

Please.
When it comes to clothes,

Cheddar wears little booties
in the snow,

or Cheddar wears nothing.

Troy's not home,
but I say we wait.

I have some hard questions
for that rice pudding bastard.

So, Adrian, how's life
as an insurance investigator?

It's amazing.
At Gray Star Mutual,

they let me do whatever I want,

as long as I'm getting that job
done, and you know I am.

Last week,
I waterboarded a dude.

- Oh, that's not legal.
- Doesn't matter.

I'm not a cop.
Anyway, what's up with you guys?

Hey, Jake, who you porking?

Uh, I guess Amy and I
are still...

I don't want to say it.
Yep.

- Porking.
- Yeah, you are. Nice.

Actually, we got engaged.

What the hell?
How come I didn't know?

I thought we were supposed
to be friends.

Oh, wait a minute.
Did this, like, just happen?

Well, it was at Halloween.

Wha... no, that's so long ago!

Charles, are you just
finding out about this too?

No, I was there.

You were there?
Who else?

Who else got to be
a part of this?

Nobody, you know, just...

Holt and...

- Terry and Rosa.
- Okay.

- And Hitchcock and Scully.
- Seriously?

And this creepy guy
named Bill.

Oh, come on!
I'm the creepy guy

that's supposed to be at stuff
that you have happen.

Look, you just left town,

and we don't exactly have
a text relationship...

How dare you?

May 10th, I texted you,

I'm at the Gaga concert,
you here,

question mark, question mark,
question mark.

You texted back,
No. Frowny face.

Look, I've been really busy.
I'm sorry, okay?

I understand.

You know, I just didn't hear
about this one thing.

I mean, I can't imagine
there are any other

major milestones
that I've missed.

Are there?
I mean, Amy's a sergeant.

- No.
- And Holt's up

- for commissioner.
- Seriously?

And Dr. Ronald Yee
came to the precinct

and taught a course
on forensics.

The Dr. Ronald Yee?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God!

- Yee was in the building?
- Yeah.

Wow, didn't realize
the Yee news was up there

- with the other stuff.
- Oh, come on, Jake.

Yee only wrote the book on
forensic facial reconstruction.

He's a rock star!

You guys could have texted me,
but no,

because I bet you haven't
thought about me once

since I dumped Rosa.

- Did you dump her?
- You know what?

I need some air.
I'm storming out.

I'm storming out!

So I can spare
four uniformed officers

to do hourly pass-bys
of the bodegas south of 4th,

and I'll coordinate
with the, um...

hourly pass-bys of the...

Wait.
What was that?

That was me talking about
hourly pass-bys.

Oh, yeah, I heard about
the hourly pass-bys.

Twice. I meant...

That subtle side look.

There was no subtle side look.

You're right,
'cause it wasn't subtle.

It was an unsubtle side look
at...

that dress in the shop.

Why are you being such a nutjob

about looking
for a wedding dress?

Because being
a female sergeant is difficult.

I have to work twice as hard

to gain my officers' respect,

and looking at girly dresses
isn't going to help.

Plus, it's a new job, and I need
to make it a priority.

Dude, I get that,
but if you want

a beautiful wedding dress,
you deserve to find one.

Look, there are no cops around.

Nobody's gonna see you.

Why don't we just
take our break now,

try one on?

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Hell yeah!

They are closed.

We will come back later.
Yeah.

Where did Adrian go?
He seemed upset.

- Should we be worried?
- Always.

We should always
be worried about him.

Jake. Look, look.

Excuse me, Troy Lunniker,
we are...

I know exactly who you are,
you spot-stealing

son of a bitch!
I didn't steal your spot!

You were too slow, you idiot!
You did steal my spot, man.

You with the horrible meatballs.

You should call them
crap balls, man!

Oh, my food tastes like crap?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Stop.

- Crap balls.
- Hey!

Look, Detective Boyle's truck
burned down.

Yeah, and you did it.

You torched my truck,
and you're going to jail.

Whoa.
Someone burned down your truck?

I'm sorry, man, but I would
never do anything like that.

I swear it wasn't me.

Well, I'd love
to believe you, Troy,

but I'm afraid we're gonna need
to see some proof.

Oh, my God,
he had so much proof.

I can't believe
he was on "Cash Cab"

at the exact moment
my truck burned down.

And he did so well.

He named every member
of The Monkees.

- He even got Tork.
- No one gets Tork.

I know.
All right, so if it wasn't Troy,

the question is,
who could it have been?

What's up, jerks?

Pimento,
you broke into my house?

Yeah.
I'm an insurance investigator.

I can do whatever I want.
What are you doing here?

I'm working the case.
I'm looking for clues.

Come on, you already said
Charles couldn't do this.

- I couldn't do it.
- That's what I thought.

But then I realized,

if you can hide
your engagement from me,

what else are you capable
of hiding?

Oh, right.
Arson!

Come on, don't you think
that's a bit of a stretch?

Is it?
Lab tests came back

and said the accelerant used
in the fire was turpentine.

And look what I found
in Boyle's wife's closet.

Looks to me
a lot like turpentine.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Turpentine, just like I thought.

That's Genevieve's.
She uses it for her paintings.

Oh, likely story.

If that's the case,
then how do you explain this

that I found on your fridge?

My wedding invitation?

Aha, so you admit it.

Invites have gone out,
and I didn't get one!

Oh, well, well, well.

Now you both are gonna pay.

- Adrian.
- Hey, come on.

Oh, I thought you were
reaching for a gun.

Oh, no, my friend.

This is much worse than a gun.

This is a stamp,

a stamp that says...

Denied.

Your claim is denied.

Do you really think
the insurance company

will replace Adrian
as the investigator on my case?

Yeah. It's Gray Star Mutual...

"Where the feeling is mutual."

And right now we're feeling
like we want a new investigator.

Hi, I'm Travis.

I've been reviewing your appeal.

I understand you have a problem
with Mr. Pimento.

Yes, we sort of have

a complicated
preexisting relationship,

which I think
is a conflict of interest.

Okay, I'll be honest,

we've had some problems
with Mr. Pimento before.

I think he may have
broken into my apartment once.

Oh, you'd know.
He leaves a lot of hair behind.

- He's a shedder.
- Mmhmm.

Okay.
I'll talk to my supervisor,

see what can be done.

Great. Thank you very much.

See, Charles?
Things are starting to look up.

Up your butt!

Adrian!
What a coincidence.

We were just...
filing a complaint about you.

You were obviously listening.

I don't know why I'm trying
to lie.

Oh, we're locked in.
Great.

First you cut me out
of your lives,

then you try and get me fired?

My therapist was right
about you guys.

You're a couple of dinguses.

You have a therapist?

Yeah, he's helping me work on
my rotator cuff.

Oh, I see,
it's a physical therapist.

Oh, he's very physical,
Charles.

Very physical.

So what do you think?

Mm, I don't love the sash.

But it's fine.
I'm just gonna get it.

What? That's the first one
you tried on.

I once saw you look at 54
different accordion folders

and not buy any of them
due to weak tabs.

I file hard.
I need strong tabs.

I just don't want to take up
any more time.

Your break's not even
a quarter done.

I'll stay another ten minutes.

You'll stay
until I dismiss you.

Irene, music.

Now spin.

All units,

attempted 1030-Charlie.

Bodega on Smith.

Perp is heading east
on Baltic.

That's us!
We're on Baltic.

Oh, crap.
That was him!

Hey!

NYPD, stop!

Hey! Stop.

- Stay down!
- Damn, sarge.

Maybe I do like the sash.

Sir, brace yourself.

Olivia Crawford
just tweeted a post

of an officer
carrying a woman

through knee-deep
flood waters.

Spoiler alert:
they are of different races.

Terry teared up.

I love when calamity brings
people together.

Sir, it got another retweet
from the mayor.

It got a retweet
from the governor.

Well, I have already set up
my accounts,

and not to toot my own bugle,

but I think I did
an admirable job.

Oh, okay, what's your handle?
I'll be your first follower.

It's @5261796d6e6420486f6c74.

It spells "Raymond Holt"
in hexadecimal code.

- Clever, right?
- Captain, are you sure

you wouldn't like some help
with this?

Oh, no need.
Now, for my first tweet,

I think I should give an update
on the water main break

that's actually informative.

"NYC H20-Main SITREP:
at 2040 EDT

current PSI 456
MAX CAP 204000 LPM."

Suck on that tasty lemon drop,
Olivia Crawford.

Oh, look at that. An alert.

I'm probably trending already.

What?
My account has been deactivated?

Twitter thinks you're a bot.

Why?
I am a human.

I am a human male.

Adrian, open up.

Get out of here, Travis!

Come on, Adrian, admit it.

You have a conflict of interest.

How could I have a conflict
of interest?

We barely have a relationship.

We're not even friends anymore.

- You saw to that, didn't you?
- That's crazy.

We may have lost touch,
but we're still friends.

Oh, is that right, Jake?
Are we still friends?

If that's the case, then when
did I lose my virginity?

Oh, man, you've told us

so many intense
graphic sex stories.

I have!
But a true friend

always remembers
a friend's first.

Jake, we know this!
It's got to be

one of the swamps.

Uh, Florida swamp,

or Okefenokee Swamp, or...

Oh, was it a bayou?

No, no, no!
I've got it.

Summer of '91,
at a screening

of "Robin Hood:
Prince of Thieves."

Well done.
It was Bryan Adams' soundtrack

and Kevin Costner's
flawless British accent

that put us in the mood
to get gross.

Next question.
Favorite shape?

- Oval?
- Of course!

- Favorite scent?
- Trick question.

Both: You lost your sense
of smell in a...

all: Shipwreck!

Guys, we are friends!

Aww, I love you guys.

Are you still angry?

No, that was
a cathartic scream of love.

- Understood.
- Good.

Well, anyways, I'm sorry
about how things went down, man.

We should have stayed in touch.

No, it's just as much my fault
as yours.

I could have kept in touch
with you guys

and probably should have
told you about my new family.

Your new what now?

Ah, Travis.
Great, you're here.

These gentlemen are innocent
and are free to go.

- You're fired, Adrian.
- What?

And as for you, my supervisor
and I reviewed your case.

Turpentine is all the proof
we need to deny your claim.

The feeling wasn't mutual.

You're so lame,
you know that, Travis?

Wait a second.
Is this just because I did molly

- with your daughter?
- You did?

Don't think he knew
about that.

Just don't ever
come back here again.

If you do,
I'll have you arrested.

How dare you?

I gave you the best two weeks
of my life!

Oh, guys, I'm so screwed.
We got no leads.

I'm not gonna get
any of the money back.

What do we do?

We go directly
to Travis' house right now,

pee on everything he owns,

and then burn that place
to the ground.

- Adrian, that's it.
- It is?

- Yes! I knew it!
- No, no, no.

Not anything
about anything you said.

But, Charles, didn't you just
tell me you fired someone?

Yeah, Ted.
I took him out to dinner.

He thought he was getting
a promotion.

It was a whole thing.

He wept a lot.
Not as much as me...

Yeah, but the point is,
he was upset, right?

And he knew where you liked
to park the truck.

Uh-huh. And he never gave me
my key back.

He said he lost it.
You really think it's him?

I mean,
it's just a hunch, but...

We should go to his house
and burn it down.

I was gonna say
we could go investigate.

Sure, sure, sure.

And then burn it to the ground.

No.
No burning of anything!

What?
I already got the match lit.

- How?
- Let's hurry up and get there.

Captain, I'm trying
to get your account reinstated,

but it could take a while.

They say they have a lot
of Nazi stuff

on the front burner.

And when you tweet again,

you should probably stop
communicating in numbers, kay?

There's a 0% chance of that.

Besides,
I won't be tweeting anymore.

I just got off the phone
with the head

- of the selection committee.
- You did?

Apparently, one of
the candidates for commissioner

tweeted a picture
of the water main break

and accidentally included a link

to his favorite
pornographic website...

Amateur move.

You should never copy-paste
if you're a perv.

It's quite the scandal.
The candidate has dropped out.

It's down to just three
of us now.

So I guess this proves
I was right all along.

Social media...
It's a fool's game,

and only a fool would play.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And why is Cheddar wearing
a beret?

Uh...

Kevin saw your photos
and was amused,

so we started an Instagram
account for Cheddar,

who now has
over 14,000 followers.

Hoo-whee!

It's an incredible feeling.

This is insulting.

First you fire me
in front of my family.

Ooh, Charles,
his family was at the dinner?

It was not well-handled.

Now you accuse me of arson.

Just get out of my garage.

Hey, Ted?

How come you have
all this turpentine?

And this plastic bag filled with
matches and magnesium strips.

I found it buried
under the back porch,

and I'm no expert,
but it seems like

that's the kind of stuff you'd
use to light a fire, right?

Oh, there he goes.

Say it with me, Jake.

You've been...

- Denied!
- Butt-slammed!

Wait, what?
Denied, like the stamp?

Oh, that is so much better.

"Butt-slammed" is so stupid.

Oh, is that the wedding dress

from the Erica Somerfield
2018 fall collection?

No way, the bodice
is totally different.

Why do you two know so much
about wedding dresses?

They're the only thing
you can look at around here

with safe search on!

All right, that's enough.

Can we all get back
to police work

and stop talking
about wedding dresses?

No.
We're gonna talk about them,

because while wearing
a wedding dress,

you leapt over a couch,

sprinted down an alley,
and jumped off a car

to subdue the crap out of a perp
like you were Wonder Woman.

It was pretty cool, wasn't it?

Amy, you are an amazing cop
and a great leader,

and you have proven that
a billion times over.

You can't let other people's
opinions get in the way

of what you want, especially
because other people suck.

Well, if I'm being honest,

- I would like a prettier dress.
- There you go.

And I would like it
to have some lace.

- Uh-huh.
- And a sweetheart neckline,

- thank you very much.
- What else?

And I want a mermaid cut
with tulip sleeves.

Say it again.
Say it loud.

A mermaid cut
with tulip frickin' sleeves!

Pimento's here!
All right!

Thanks so much
for that text, man.

- That meant a lot.
- The one that said,

- "Want to grab a drink tonight?"
- Yeah.

Hey, Boyle, did you get
that insurance payout?

Yes, I am out
of the food truck business,

and I no longer start
spontaneously weeping.

Nice.

Listen,
I'm sorry you got fired.

Oh, don't worry about it.
I got myself fired, all right?

Plus, doesn't matter.
I got a way better job now.

I'm working at one of those
fancy hand lotion stores.

Spoiler alert:
I have a gun again,

and I've gotten to use it
three times.

You would be surprised
how often teenage girls

try and shoplift
mango hand cream.

- Huh.
- But it smells great!

- I love it.
- I can get you some.

Well, listen, man,
I've got something for you.

Really? For me?

It's an invitation
to my wedding.

Aw, Jake, I am so honored

and would love to be...

Oh, nope, I can't make this.

This is the same night
as Lady Gaga.

Oh, thank God.
I didn't run it by Amy,

so this worked out great
for both of us!

But honestly,

nobody's gonna come to this,

because everybody's gonna be
at Gaga.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.