Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - Safe House - full transcript

This installation is composed

of Constantine's accounts
of the first Punic War

- in the year 264...
- Ah, yes the first pubic war,

the sexiest of all wars.

Hi, Dr. Albrin Einstibe.

I have an urgent question
for you about Ancient Greece.

- Shall we walk?
- Of course, Doctor...

I feel like you said Einstibe?

Yes, that's correct, it's a family name.

- What is going on?
- Captain Holt sent me.

Just follow my lead.
Your theory is wrong.



The Greeks did not climb out
of the Trojan Horse's butt.

- Put this on.
- A rose shearing hat, at work?

- People will think I'm demented.
- [whispers] Just put it on.

- Kevin, Dr. Einstibe.
- Ah, professor McGonagall.

- Why is Boyle dressed as me?
- Shh!

- Get in.
- But this cart is...

Get in!

[funky music]

♪ ♪

- Professor.
- Student.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

[tires screech]

♪ ♪



Hello, Kevin. It's me, Raymond Holt.

We need to get you to safety.
Your life is in danger.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Okay, so we've secured
Captain Holt's husband.

Let's discuss how to proceed.

So what you're saying is,
we need to talk about Kevin.

- [all boo]
- I have no regrets!

Kevin is currently at the
safe house with Captain Holt.

How long will he have to stay there?

My friend in the
Organized Crime division

says they've been building a case

against Seamus Murphy
for years, and they're close.

They think they'll move on him
in the next month or two.

So you're saying, Kevin can wait?

[all boo]

You know what, you people are insane.
That was gold.

Okay, two months in a safe
house... that's not impossible.

It's nothing. I once stayed in my
apartment for 3 1/2 months straight.

- Was that after they cancelled "Bunheads"?
- Why would you bring that up?

I don't understand. Why can't
we just put Kevin into WITSEC?

The Murphys have killed three witnesses

in federal protection.
Captain doesn't wanna risk it.

We'll take shifts staying with Kevin.

No, it should just be me.

Look, it's my fault
that Murphy's after Kevin.

Captain Holt bailed me out,
and now it's my turn to bail him out.

Plus we've got this whole
tit for tat thing going,

and it's my time to tit.
It's my tit turn.

My time to tit is today, Terry.

You're gonna stay
locked up in a safe house,

away from us for two months?
That's going to be brutal.

- You just said it was nothing.
- Brutal for me, Gina.

Relax, I'm still going to be able

to text and chat with everyone.
It's not like I'm being

totally shut off from the outside world.

Say good-bye to the outside world.

You're in the safe house now,
so I'll need your phone.

- Why?
- Internet, cellular signals.

- They're too easy to trace.
- Seriously, no phone?

What am I supposed to do
to pass the time?

You could learn a foreign language.

Go to hell.

The "no internet rule"
was a shock to me as well.

I was hoping to salvage this time

to do research on my new book.

But apparently that
will not be possible.

I'm sorry, it's for your own safety.

Here, Peralta, let me give
you a tour of the safe house.

This is the living room.

- Oh.
- Stop!

You're entering the zone of visibility.

Someone could see you
through the windows.

Why don't we just close the blinds?

At mid-day? That's far too suspicious.

Blinds will only be closed at night.

If you must go into the living
room, crawl on your belly.

Observe.

Seems a little extreme.

You're right, it's extreme of me to try

to prevent my husband from
being shot in the face.

I'm over-doing it. Kevin, come in here.

- Take your bullet.
- No, fine.

- We'll stay on our bellies.
- Thank you.

This is one of several designated areas

where you can stand
upright during the day.

You can move about freely
in this square.

Wow, so we have
all this room to work in?

Your hand can be seen
from the living room window.

- You just killed Kevin.
- Raymond...

I can't hear you, Kevin. You're dead.

He bled out in your lap.

How will you break the news
to me? Let's see.

- We don't have to do this.
- Ah, Detective Peralta,

how are things going with Kevin,

the love of my life?

Wait, why are you here
at this late hour?

And whose blood is that?

- Okay, I get it.
- It's Kevin's?

This is devastating. I'm inconsolable.

And I've killed myself.

Cool, well, I can see this is

gonna be a fun couple of months.

- _
- Okay, we can't stream anything,

but I brought my DVD collection.

- Do you like Nic Cage movies?
- I don't know who that is.

Only the greatest and most
compelling actor of all time.

What are his movies like? Describe them.

Okay, well, one of them is

the FBI has developed
face-swapping technology.

Not interested.

- There's a whole plane full of convicts.
- Nope.

On the back of the original

Declaration of Independence,
there's a hidden treasure map!

- Stop.
- But that's the smartest one!

_

Oh my God, I'm so glad
Captain Holt finally agreed

to let you come visit.
I missed you so much.

Me too.

Um... is there a way we
could get a bit more privacy?

Just pretend I'm not here.
God knows I am.

_

Okay, I think you're actually
going to like this one.

Nic Cage is a chemist...

Interesting, keep going.

Who has to break into Alcatraz...

Absolutely not!

Are there no other actors?

It's Captain Holt.

- Hello, Captain.
- And... you're both dead.

You didn't ask for the password.

What if I were an assassin

wearing a hyper-realistic latex mask?

Or perhaps you employed
"Face/Off" technology.

- What?
- I broke down

and watched one of
Peralta's action films.

I'm lying, I watched them all,

including one wherein a man's head

turns into a flaming skull.

"Ghost Rider", and "Ghost Rider 2."

Both master-pie.

Yes, I need your help, Raymond.

Luckily, I come bearing good news.

My friend in the Organized Crime unit

tells me that they're moving
against Murphy tonight.

- Oh, my God, really?
- You're serious?

You mean to say this could be ending?

Peralta, it's happening.
It's finally happening.

Call everyone, we'll get
a live feed of the raid

and have a viewing party.

"Tie a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree,

'cause this boy's comin' home."

"Con Air".

What have I become?

Oh, yes, people.

Actual real people that aren't Kevin.

- Hi, I want to touch you.
- Babe, you're being weird.

Right, sorry. I forgot how to be human.

- Yeah.
- Oh, Charles!

- Ah.
- I need to hear your voice,

Tell me what I've been
missing at the nine-nine.

Ooh, Terry's grandma got really sick

and had to spend a month
in the hospital.

Oh... that's sad.

I more meant like funny work anecdotes.

Ah, Scully sat on a cherry pie

and he didn't notice for six hours.

The tin stayed on the whole time.

Now we're talking.
Did you take a picture?

Honestly, I didn't see it.

I was at Terry's grandma's funeral.

- Come on.
- Everyone, quiet down.

The feed is live and the raid
begins in T-minus 60 seconds.

In one minute, Kevin and I
will finally be able

to leave this awful place.

And yet we'll never
be free of the nightmares.

No, those shall haunt us for always.

Whoa, things got
really intense in here, huh?

Oh, yeah, it got dark.
This place is a hell-mouth.

- Cool.
- Shh! They're about to move.

- Bravo team, stand by.
- I love this.

I feel like Ellen watching her producers

go through a haunted house.

- Breach, breach!
- They're in.

- There's nobody here.
- Uh-oh, the house is empty!

No, no, no, no, no, no. Where's Seamus?

I don't understand, what's happening?

Someone must have tipped them off.

The raid is a bust,
and Murphy's still at large.

So what you're saying is...

Everyone on the ground, immediately!

- [squish]
- Oh no, I sat in another pie.

Damn it! Next time, sit on a pie

when we can enjoy it, Scully.

Organized Crime is hunting for Murphy,

but we can't just sit back
and hope they find him.

Diaz, where are you with your CI?

They said Seamus' girlfriend Nikki works

- in a hair salon in Bay Ridge.
- Nice, classic mistress job.

Hey, my girlfriend's a hairdresser!

And you cheated
on your ex-wife with her.

Checkmate. Well played.

Okay, Nikki won't talk to cops.

So we've got to send
someone in as a customer.

Get her to open up, start gossiping.

Send me. I'm a gossip surgeon.

I can get anything out of anyone.

You can't go undercover,
you're not a cop.

How am I not a cop, Terry?
'Cause I don't have a badge?

- Being a cop is a state of mind.
- It's definitely not.

Diaz, the mission is yours.

Great. I love strangers
touching my head.

Sorry, you don't
have a choice. Dismissed!

Actually, Sarge, I have a lead too.

I found the place that
provides shredding services

for Murphy's companies.
I subpoenaed those shreds.

We can piece them together.

Smart. How many shreds are we talking?

A few.

Oh, crap.

According to Organized Crime,

Murphy has gone to ground,
and there are no leads.

Oh, that's great. If he's on the run,

he probably won't
be worrying about Kevin.

And if you coat yourself
in chum and swim with sharks,

you probably won't be eaten.

Said the half-eaten
chum-covered swimmer.

While Murphy is at large,
he's still a threat.

So I'm going to be stuck here forever,

following these over-the-top
security precautions?

- No.
- Thank God.

The security procedures
are about to become

much more over-the-top.

Say good-bye to your one hour
of open window time.

But sir, the stench.
It needs some way to escape.

I already feel as though
I'm trapped inside of...

What are those things
you're always eating?

- Pizza bagels? Pizza rolls?
- No. No.

- Pizza poppers? Pizzaritos?
- No. No.

- Pizza pockets?
- That's it.

How much longer will I be forced to live

- inside this pizza pocket?
- Look, I could tell you

that it'll just be a few more weeks,

but you don't want me to lie to you.

Raymond, I beg of you. Give me two hours

at the library to work
on my book... just two hours.

It will make all the difference.

Yeah, I could go with him,
keep him safe.

No library. Seamus' men
could be lurking in the stacks.

- I find that unlikely.
- I understand, but I disagree.

Well then, we are in disagreement.

You'll have to excuse me.

I'm sorry you had to witness
such a vicious fight.

- Oh, was that a fight?
- Are you kidding?

He said "you'll have to excuse me"
instead of "please excuse me."

Might as well have spit in my face.

- _
- [upbeat music]

Okay, first of all,
Rosa, you look amazing.

Secondly, I made an
appointment at the salon

with Nikki, for you, under the name

Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada.

- I had fun with the name.
- Clearly.

Here's the plan.

Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel
Estrada gossips about her love life.

Then, Nikki opens up about hers.

Yeah, this is the problem.
I suck at gossiping.

Which is why I brought
along a specialist.

Gina will be in your ear
feeding you stories.

I will be basing Gabriella
on my sister's friend, Dana.

Just be warned... Dana real sloppy.

So, Nikki, I always wanted
to get my hair cut here.

Everyone says you're the best.

Oh, my God, I love your earrings.

Where did you get those hoops?

Mmm, I don't know.

Oh no, Nikki's not a talker.
We're screwed.

Don't worry angel, Gina's
got this, crackety-crack.

Rosa, repeat after me
and don't change a thing.

Can I tell you the craziest story?

One time I was like so drunk...

And this meathead comes up to me.

And his body is hot,
but his face is like okay.

So I'm like, what?

And I was like, bitch,
I'm not gonna sleep with you

just because you promised
to take me to the Bahamas.

Take me to the Bahamas first

and then we'll see what happens, okay?

I was only with him
because he drove a Jaguar.

Turns out it was a Mercury

with a Thundercat taped to the hood.

And that relationship
lasted for three months.

I don't know why we broke up.
I guess we just grew apart

when he went to prison for life.

I hear that.

The guy I'm seeing
is into some shady stuff.

Right?

There it is, the breakthrough.
Follow up, follow up!

So, how'd you guys meet?

That's a funny story, for next time.

You're all done, and you look hot, girl.

No, no, she was opening up.

Rosa, figure out a way
to stay in that chair.

Hey, Nikki, I was just wondering.

How do you think I would look...

[voice strains] as a blonde?

Like a Danielle Steele novel.

Good oranges, nice and dry.
Not at all ripe.

Fascinating.
My orange is beginning to rot.

That happens when you leave an orange

sitting around for too long

and refuse to even let that
orange go to a library

for two hours so it can feel
like a real orange again.

You know what really
causes an orange to go bad?

Getting shot.
Have you seen what a bullet

does to an orange?

I shot a watermelon once.

It's exactly what you want it to be.

- I miss Amy.
- You think I enjoy doing this?

I assure you, I do not.

I'm simply trying
to keep my husband alive.

Well, you may not have a husband
when all of this is over.

You're not going to die, Kevin.

That's not what I meant.

I'm leaving.
This is an absurd conversation,

and you're being ridiculous.

[door opens, closes]

You know what, screw this.
We need a break.

I'm a cop, I can protect us.
We're going to the library.

These two oranges are stepping out.

Oh, damn it, peeling out.
It was right there!

Okay, Captain Holt has
back-to-back meetings

at One Police Plaza today,

which means we have a four-hour window

before he checks on any
of the security feeds.

But going out into public
is a huge risk,

so maybe let's go over some
self-defense techniques.

[gasps] [chokes]

Usually, you warn somebody
before you do that.

Raymond told me that the element
of surprise was crucial.

Cool. [coughs]

So he's a great teacher.
But I will say this.

If you're going to do a throat punch,

it is key that you say something cool
afterwards like, "choke on that."

But they're not choking.
They're experiencing airway trauma.

Ooh, how about,

"Better get some corticosteroids
to treat that laryngeal fracture."

Okay, yeah, that's very informative

and quite polite. [ahem]

But maybe add a "dirtbag" on the end?

But a dirtbag is a
useful part of a vacuum.

I don't see how it's an insult.

All right, you know, puncher's choice.

Moving on, we're going
to need disguises.

And since we're going
to a public library,

the best way to fit in is as...

- Scholars.
- Weird perverts.

Yes, weird perverts is far better.

Far better.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

What is the bandwidth on the wifi here?

We have much content to stream.

Bam! Solid match.
Okay, I've got three words.

I've got an "and",
I've got an "an" and a "he".

Now, the "he" could be a part of a "the"

or the end of "Apache."

I don't know why, but I'm
getting a strong "Apache" vibe.

Amy? Amy?

- Amy, where'd you go?
- Down here.

I let the pile take me.

I don't know what I was thinking.

We've been at it for two hours

and all we've got is three words.

Really two.
Terry's just fooling himself.

"Apache's" a long shot at best.

Ooh, are you guys building a nap nest?

- Mind if we burrow?
- No!

We're piecing together
shredded documents

- to find Seamus Murphy.
- Can I help?

I'm really good at jigsaw puzzles.
I do them all the time.

It's why my wrist muscles
are so defined.

No offense, Scully,
but you can't be good or bad

at jigsaw puzzles.

It's just putting shapes together.

There's no strategy
or reasoning, or logic...

Look, I got half a page!

He is the one.

This is great. There's nobody here.

Everyone cleared out
as soon as we got here.

Even that actual pervert
was creeped out by us.

[funky music]

I can feel your heat.

Ooh! No offense, but it feels
so good to breathe air

that didn't come out of your mouth.

- None taken.
- Ooh, I know you're working,

but you should probably put
something on your screen perverted

in case someone comes in

like a lady in high heels
stepping on a businessman.

Sorry, yes, I meant to do that.

I've just gotten so
wrapped up in my research.

I've been reading
the most thrilling footnote.

[metal clatters]

- What was that?
- I don't know.

But don't worry...

I'll creep them
right the hell out of here.

Hello... who's sneaking
around back here?

Bang, you're dead. And so is Kevin.

Oh, thank God, it's just you.

Wait, no, this is bad
in a different way.

What are you doing?

You brought my husband
to a public place?

He's undercover. We're perverts, see?

You're not fooling anyone.

Kevin's zipper is up, for God's sake.

Wait, I'm confused... how did
you even know we were here?

Oh, my God, you sewed a tracker
into my neck, didn't you?

Don't be stupid.

The trackers are in your shoes,
underwear, and wallet.

I also braided one into your hair.

[gasps] In my tangle?

You put my husband at risk,
and for what?

Because you felt a little cooped up?

That's not it.

- You could have cost him his life.
- What life, Raymond?

I spend every day lying
on the floor of that house

talking with Jake about popular culture.

Do you know what it means
to "clap back", Raymond?

Be-cause-I-do.

Enough. We have to get back
to the safe house immediately.

Let's go. And if you're
gonna be a pervert, Kevin,

adjust yourself as you walk.

Move some quarters
around in your pocket.

So I used to see my
boyfriend on Friday nights

after his wife went to bed,

but then he left town
a couple of weeks ago.

You're all done here, gorgeous.

Ahhhh-ha-ha, I love it!

But finish what you were saying.

Where'd your boyfriend run off to?

Oh, that's a story for next time.

Rosa, we're so close, you can't leave.

Tell her you want a perm. I want a perm.

A big ol' perm.

Great idea.

[funky music]

_

[text tone]

_

[text tone]

_

[text tone]

_

[text tone]

_

[text tone]

_

[text tone]

_

_

[text tones]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Go, go, go!

Take a seat.

I can't believe someone took Raymond.

He had a gun, Jake.

It'll be okay. We're gonna get him back.

Let me just call the nine-nine.

Hey, Rosa, do you guys have any
idea where Seamus Murphy is?

We have a huge problem.

Yeah, we all have huge problems.

You kinda look like Phil
Spector when he was on trial.

Guys, focus up. Have you found anything?

One of Murphy's guys just took Holt.

Oh, no. We did get something from Nikki.

Apparently, Seamus has been staying up

- in Rhinebeck, New York.
- Rhinebeck?

Scully, where's that piece of junk mail

with the Rhinebeck address?

- Scully, surface!
- Yes, Sarge?

- Rhinebeck letter.
- One sec.

[exciting music]

- 8221 Oak Ridge Parkway.
- Copy that.

All right, we're going
to commandeer a car,

and then we're going
to drive to Rhinebeck.

No one is going to hurt
your husband... this I swear.

Ow, owie, owie, owie, it stings, ow!

Oh, ho, ho. [grunts] Follow me.

[tense music]

Hello, Raymond.

So Seamus, are you going to kill me?

No, don't be stupid, nothing like that.

I'm just going to find your husband,

bring him here, slit his throat
in front of you,

then, after you watch
him suffer, kill you too.

- There it is... 8221.
- All right, let's go.

What? No, you're not coming in.

It's way too dangerous for a civilian.

You're driving back to the safe house

and watching another Nic Cage movie.

You still haven't seen
"Gone in 60 Seconds."

His character's name is
Memphis Raines. I'm so sorry.

No, I'm not abandoning
my husband. I love him.

Yeah, I love him too.
Everybody loves Raymond.

- Don't.
- I think that's pretty funny!

- No.
- It doesn't matter.

You got to go. Get the hell
out of here, I got this.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[whispers] Sir!

[click]

Hey there.

- Where is Kevin?
- Don't worry, he's safe.

Look, Captain, I just want
to say that I'm sorry.

You should be.

You should have abided
by my security rules.

You're right. But I want you to know,

I didn't take Kevin to the library

because I was stir-crazy.

It was because I didn't want
you guys to get divorced.

How is that any concern of yours?

I don't know, I just...

I've been around so many
failed marriages in my life.

You know, first my mom and my dad,

then Charles and Eleanor,
Hitchcock and Brandi,

Hitchcock and Francine,
Hitchcock and Brandi again,

- Hitchcock and Madison...
- Madison wasn't his daughter?

But he dropped her off
at college last fall.

I know, it was really gross.
But the point is,

I just couldn't stand
to see you two fall apart.

Perhaps I should have been
more understanding

of what Kevin was going through.

I may die here tonight,

and his last memory of me will
be how miserable I made him.

So, Peralta, what do
you have to say for yourself?

The whole NYPD knows where you are,

and they're coming for you right now.

Okay, thanks for the tip.

Let's kill them both, get out
of here before the cops come.

Wait, no, no, no,
I was lying about the back-up.

I came alone... title of my sex tape.

Doesn't matter.
You're both gonna die now.

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

[choking, gagging]

Better get some corticosteroids

to treat that laryngeal fracture.

Sorry, I couldn't bring myself
to call him a dirtbag.

And why would you?
A dirtbag is a very useful part

of the vacuum cleaner.
Clearly, it's a compliment.

Wow, you guys
are so perfect for each other.

Oh, my garsh!

It's all the same. Nothing has changed.

- Except for that.
- This perm saved your life.

And I thank it for its service.

Hello, Captain. Hello, Kevin.

So, here's an update on Seamus.

Thanks to our little operation,

the FBI was able to roll up
his entire organization.

They're saying it's going to be

one of the most significant RICO
prosecutions they've ever done.

- Amazing.
- It's over now.

He can't hurt me or Kevin.
Thank you, for titting my tat.

Well, thank you for tatting my tit.

And you know, in a weird way,

I'm going to miss our little house.

Yes, and in an even weirder way,

I think I might actually miss you.

And in an even weirder way,
I want you guys to be my dads.

- That is weirder.
- Yeah, I got stuff.

I brought you your box of DVDs.

Oh, thank you.

Oh! Forgot about this one.

We never watched
"Captain Corelli's Mandolin."

What the hell did you just say?

- "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
- Say that to my face.

"Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?

There was a movie about a mandolin,

and you kept it from me for two months?

Well I didn't think it was any good.

- It's just some period piece.
- What?

- Set in Greece.
- Oh, my God.

Based on some dumb book. Aah!

Terribly sorry. It has
been a very trying time.

Yeah, next thing, you're
going to say you'd wished

we had watched "Leaving Las Vegas,"

a dark, ponderous
reflection on alcoholism

that earned Cage his Oscar.

- Aah!
- What?

I told you, the guy's got range!