Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 22 - Crime & Punishment - full transcript
Jake and Rosa are framed for a crime they didn't commit.
People have come from all
over the city to mourn.
The grief is palpable.
But the lights from these candles
have never shone brighter.
Pizza Rat, dead tonight
at the age of four.
Kit.
All right, Haley, thank you for that.
I think it's gonna be a long,
sad night for all of us, huh?
2017 strikes again.
Indeed it does.
In other news, we are just days away now
from the start of a trial
for NYPD detectives
Jake Peralta and Rosa Diaz.
They were arrested two months ago
for a whole string of bank robberies.
The pair are currently out on bail
but, if convicted, face
up to 15 years in prison.
Yeah, Anna, these disgraced
detectives were apprehended
after a months-long
investigation by hero cop
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins.
They're guilty.
Super duper guilty.
While there is little to
no public information
about Detective Diaz, Channel 12
has learned this isn't the first time
Peralta has been on the
wrong side of the law.
We just uncovered cell phone footage
from a Criss Angel magic show.
I just want to know how he did it.
He's a mind freak!
A mind freak!
♪
Okay, update on our trial prep.
This is our lawyer, Samuel Miller,
who, in many ways, is in
charge of our defense.
In every way.
Well, "many" is part of "every."
I'm facing 15 years in prison.
st let me have this.
Okay. So, prosecution's case is strong.
You two were caught
red-handed robbing a bank
by one of the NYPD's
most esteemed detectives
in front of two dozen eyewitnesses.
Right, but can't Captain
Holt just testify
he knew you were trying to
take down Hawkins from the inside?
Unfortunately, no.
Legally you can't testify
for your best friend.
- That's not a law.
- No?
- Sam?
- Not a law.
Well, point is, he didn't
deny we're best friends.
The investigation was off the books.
There's no evidence
proving it even existed.
Doesn't matter anyway. We
don't need your testimony,
because we have... the meat fork.
What?
Our two-pronged defense.
Not unlike a fork you would use
to flip a steak on a grill.
It's a meat fork!
Sam, explain the meat fork to them.
Again, "meat fork" is fun,
but under no circumstances should
anyone say that in court.
We have it if we need it.
Tell them about the first prong.
We have airtight alibis
for the other three bank robberies
you all are accused of.
Yes, I pulled time sheets,
witness statements,
and security footage.
We can show that both
of you weren't present
at any of the other robberies, except...
March 12th. Still not
sure where Rosa was.
And you never will be.
Okay, reminder: privacy is cool,
but if you don't tell us,
we're gonna go to jail for a long time.
Fine.
I was at a "La La Land" sing-along.
Really?
- What's that?
- Enough.
- Just move on to the next prong.
- Yep.
Prosecution claims you
stole $26 million,
but they can't trace that
money to you in any way.
Yeah, I have negative
$73 in my bank account.
Ba-boom!
I'm somehow embarrassed and proud of you
at the same time.
Yeah, that's my sweet spot.
Okay, so that's where we stand.
Are there any questions or comments?
Yes, there's something I'd like to say.
Don't lose.
Thought that was gonna be longer.
- I loved it.
- It was perfect.
Hey, Boyle. How you doing there, bud?
I'm fine. I'm great.
Well, I hear your mouth say that,
but the rest of your head is
telling a different story.
Feels like the stress
of the upcoming trial
is starting to get to you.
Oh, is this about my hair turning white?
Yes, definitely.
It's not just the head hair.
It's all of it.
All. Of. It.
I get it.
It's like an Eagles concert down there.
Nothing but whites.
Understood. You got white pubes.
There's no need to stress out.
The lawyer's very confident.
Not good enough.
I need to do everything
I can to save Jake.
Charles, you're falling apart.
And that's not helping anyone.
You need to get your crap in order.
Okay, you're right. I'll take a nap.
I'll eat. I'll dye my pubes.
You can dye all your hair.
No. There's no time.
Hey. Big day. How you feeling?
Good. Good.
I was just working on my innocent face.
Check it out.
"I'm a nice boy."
Oh, no. I don't think that's doing
what you want it to at all.
Oh. Well, it doesn't matter,
because my normal face
is my innocent face,
because I'm innocent.
I know. I just hope the jury knows too.
Should we talk about what happens
if they somehow find you guilty?
That's not happening.
But what we should talk about
is how we're gonna celebrate when I win.
I'm thinking we take a trip
to Paris or London, Rome,
anywhere Jason Bourne
has driven a car down some stairs.
Paris sounds fun. Or we could just go
somewhere we could actually afford.
Oh, we can afford it.
Don't forget I robbed a bank.
I'm sitting on $26 million, baby!
Excuse me?
Oh! He's just kidding.
Yeah, I'm innocent.
You'll see when we get in there.
Nice talking to you, Judge.
Okay, you ready?
Yeah.
I love you.
I know. Han Solo.
Love you too.
You got this.
You got this.
You got this.
- Charles, you're...
- In a wheelchair, yep.
My back gave out when I
was dyeing my pubes.
I was only halfway done.
I'm like Cruella de Vil down there.
Okay, well,
I need to go be on trial
for bank robbery now,
so maybe we can talk about this later?
Oh, right. Good luck.
Good luck to you.
- About the...
- Yes.
Thank you.
Okay.
Psst! Hey, Jake.
I got you. Don't worry about it.
Really? How?
Among my many, many, many skills,
I'm fluent in face.
I can tell you what the jury's thinking
at any given moment.
I see an eyebrow twitch, I'm like, "Oh."
If their cheek has a certain tension,
okay, that leads me a different way.
Watch this.
Scully, you're wondering if
anyone can smell your fart.
The answer, my brother, is yes.
She's a witch.
What'd I tell you, boy? Trust me.
- I got you.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I like your stupid courtroom clothes.
Thanks.
I like your stupid courtroom clothes.
Thank you.
You know, if you had asked
me back at the Academy
where I wanted to be in 12 years,
I definitely would have said right here.
Same.
Great.
So it all worked out.
End of story.
All rise for the honorable
Judge Marinovich.
Please. You may be seated.
Court is in session.
Now, Miss Crunder, you were in the bank
at the time of the holdup.
Did you see the robbers' faces?
Plain as day.
They're sitting right there.
Let the record show,
she's pointing at Jake
Peralta and Rosa Diaz.
Okay, the jurors found
that super compelling.
Just an update.
Thanks, Gina.
So, like, you're not making
a good first impression.
Right. Thank you.
No doubt.
Hey. Don't worry. We got this.
We still have our alibis.
We weren't at the first three robberies.
Sure, they weren't at the
first three robberies.
But that's just so they'd
have airtight alibis.
Uh-oh.
They were only at the last robbery
'cause we were short on manpower.
Our other two guys disappeared.
I think those bastards killed them.
- Come on.
- What?
Objection. Conjecture!
Sustained. Sorry, you say it.
Sustained.
We both sounded equally authoritative.
Prong one's not looking so great.
Well, that's why we have second prong.
They can't tie us to the money.
Just this morning, my team uncovered
two accounts from the Cayman Islands
controlled by Diaz and Peralta
containing $26 million between them.
It's okay.
She has no proof.
These are the original applications
for the accounts signed
by Diaz and Peralta.
This is the affidavit
from the bank manager
identifying them as the
owners of the account,
and these are the deposit
slips for the entire amount.
Oh, no. Rosa,
we don't have any more prongs.
We're prongless.
Oh, and one more thing.
They're guilty.
No, we are not.
Please don't address the jury, Mr.
Peralta.
But... but... but...
One more "but," and you
will be in contempt.
"One more 'but'
and you're contempt,"
name of your sex tape.
Okay, I know it looks bad.
But it also looked bad for
Liam Neeson in "The Grey."
He got torn up by wolves in that movie.
That's how it ends?
Oh, man. That is depressing.
Why would someone make
a movie about that?
Okay, here's how the jury's feeling
from left to right, L to R:
not a fan of Jake, not of a fan of Rosa,
not a fan of me, bathroom incident...
We get it. They all hate us.
In toto, yes.
Some good news. I spoke to the judge,
and he's giving us an extra day
to review the new evidence.
What are they gonna find in one day?
Face it, man, we are going to jail.
We might as well start hiding
razor blades under our tongues.
Here. You can have one of mine.
How long has that been in there?
- Since grade school.
- Yeah, that checks out.
No one's going to jail.
We're gonna work this case,
and we're gonna find something.
You're not gonna sit back
and resign yourselves to your fates.
You're gonna take action.
Now, Hawkins can destroy your alibis
and put money in your accounts...
Wait, sir.
I think Hawkins just
made her first mistake.
What are you talking about?
Well, the money that she
put into our accounts
didn't just appear out
of thin air, right?
Right. It was transferred
in from somewhere.
We just have to trace
it back to its source.
Which would be Lieutenant Hawkins.
But those are offshore accounts.
We can't subpoena them.
So we need to break in
to the bank's computers.
We need a hacker.
Does anyone know a hacker?
Boyle does.
I'm Boyle!
I get to help!
Oh, my God.
I can feel my legs again.
I can walk.
Yes! It's a miracle kind of.
See? When the Nine-Nine
puts our brains together,
we can achieve anything.
Hey, we should team up
and rob banks for real!
You should stop talking in the hallway.
Yep, copy that. Nice to see you.
Okay, Boyle,
tell us about your hacker.
Okay, he goes by the handle "Pandemic,"
and there's not a
network he can't crack.
He's a phantom, a ghost.
And only I know where to find him.
Welcome to Hey, Hey, It's Wednesday's!,
where it's never the weekend.
Be right with ya.
Are you sure about this hacker, Charles?
I'm not getting a strong "Mr.
Robot" vibe
from this place.
Yeah, that's because the only thing
Pandemic loves more
than hackin' computers
is hackin' into a big old fried onion.
Oh, there he is.
Hey guys, welcome to the Quarantine.
Help yourselves to some potstickers.
Best eaten when hot.
No thanks. Here are the account numbers
for the bank where the money showed up.
Now, we're in a real hurry.
You think you can trace
it back to its source?
Are you questioning my abilities?
Watch this. What's your name?
- Why do you need...
- Terrence Vincent Jeffords.
Wait. What's happening?
You're getting hacked, bro.
That's what's happening.
- Don't do that.
- I'm in your home computer.
You are? Get out.
You got a lot of songs
by Natalie Imbruglia.
Uh, I bought those back in the '90s.
Nope. Downloaded on Thursday.
Okay, now watch the Pandemic spread.
There's a document in here
that looks to be fan fiction
for the show "Madam Secretary."
Oh, Sarge, I didn't know
you were a fan of the Madam.
The show leaves Terry wanting more.
I'm just filling in the gaps!
Now get to hacking.
Guys, I think I found something.
Is it my heart medicine?
My doctor said that if
I miss even one dose,
I could have a massive stro...
No, Scully, this is important.
I was going through the arrest reports
filed by everyone in Hawkins' squad.
We already went over these.
Right, but there was
one guy we didn't flag
because he was never
the arresting officer:
Detective Matthew Langdon.
I think something went down
between him and Hawkins.
Well, he had a stellar 14-year career
Before joining Hawkins's squad.
Then, three months later,
he quit the force entirely.
He didn't just quit. He disappeared.
No tax records. No known address.
His wife filed a missing persons report.
But after doing some
incredible sleuthing,
I think I figured out where he is.
Ames, how would you like to take
a romantic trip to the town of...
"Horseditch, Pennsylvania"?
Ooh.
The Paris of the mud belt?
Oui, oui.
Wee-wee.
Anyway, it's huge stakes.
We should get going.
Good luck.
Has anyone seen Diaz?
She's supposed be looking into
the first two bank robberies.
I saw her outside the courthouse.
She gave me her jacket
and her motorcycle helmet.
Why would she give you
her favorite jacket?
Because I'm a rebel, and we're in love.
Doi.
Diaz, I've been calling you.
Why weren't you answering your phone?
Don't have it.
I charged it and stuck it
on a truck headed west.
What's with the suitcase?
- Going to Malaysia.
- You're going to Malaysia?
No, the suitcase
is going to Malaysia.
I'm getting on a bus to Florida.
What's in Florida?
Airport. I'm flying to Argentina.
- This is very complicated.
- Thank you.
Adrian has a ranch in the Andes
where he goes when he's on the run.
He's already there, getting
rid of the scorpions.
adding more scorpions.
I don't know. The
reception was real bad.
Diaz, I know you're scared,
but things are starting to turn around.
We're on the money trail,
and we just found a new lead.
With all due respect, sir,
both you and I know that none
of that is gonna pan out.
And you said yourself
I should take action.
So I am, in Argentina,
surrounded by scorpions.
Or not surrounded by scorpions.
I'll find out when I get there.
Look. I know you're innocent,
but fleeing the country is a crime.
I could arrest you right here.
Do it then.
I didn't think so.
The mortgage is paid off.
You can give the place
to whoever you want.
I don't care.
Actually, I do care.
Don't give it to Hitchcock.
I'll have the Mid-Week Potato Leak soup,
and he'll have a "There's Work Tomorrow
So Be Cool Frozen Margarita."
Who are you?
You can call me Nightmare.
But for check writing purposes,
it's Jennifer Huggins.
The bank's encryption turned out to be
more secure than I thought,
so I had to bring in a friend.
Just tell us if this is impossible.
We don't have a lot of time to waste,
and we've been here, like,
five hours already.
Huh. You don't think I can do this?
Is it because I'm a woman?
No, no, I didn't say that.
- I think women are amazing.
- Thank you.
And now I'm about to hack your world
into pieces, old man.
That'll show you.
No. Just do the thing with the bank.
- That'll show me.
- Whoa.
Looks like someone was a
catalog model in Japan.
Whoa! Those boots.
That slicker.
The no pants.
Who's the target audience
for these pics, Sarge?
I was a starving student.
Terry needed the yen!
Babe, are you sure we're
in the right place?
This looks like where
they shot "The Village."
Amy, don't say things like that.
You're gonna scare me. You know that.
I think Langdon's wife's
been secretly visiting him.
She posted a photo in
March of a snowstorm,
but there was no snow in New York.
The picture was geotagged right...
here.
"Flaxton Hill Farms."
Check it out. There's a
car in the driveway.
Somebody's home.
Matthew Langdon? Are you there?
We'd like to talk to you
about Melanie Hawkins.
Whoa!
Don't shoot!
But seriously, don't. Don't shoot.
If I were you I'd turn
around and start walking.
Because in about three seconds,
I'm gonna start shooting.
Oh, God. He did the gun cock.
This is escalating much too quickly,
and three seconds is not enough time...
- Jake...
- Right, focus. Sorry.
Sir, we know you worked with Hawkins.
Did she send you here?
- No.
- No.
We're not with her.
We're like the opposite of that.
She set me and my friend up.
We could go to jail.
Why should I believe you?
Look, if you let me slowly
reach into my jacket pocket,
there's an article open on my phone
that will explain everything.
That's a video of a
monkey humping a frog.
What?
Oh. That's my bad.
It was a long ride up
here, and I got bored.
Here. Close that tab.
That's the article.
Hawkins ran you out of New York
and took away your life.
If you help us, maybe we
can help you get it back.
Fine. I'll talk to you,
but you gotta follow me; I
gotta go feed the hogs.
Oh, my God, what are
you gonna feed them?
Is it us?
Corn.
Hmm, corn.
Maize, as there was at
the first Thanksgiving.
- Jake.
- Right.
Let's go talk.
All right, guys.
Let's order a round of "Hey, Hey,
It's Light Beer, Light
Beer" and get into it.
Um, who is this guy?
These offshore banks
are incredibly secure,
so we needed more manpower.
But what makes you think
that he would be...
Charles, don't talk.
Do not challenge
this very capable gentleman in any way.
Just let him get to work.
Okay, thanks.
So you understand we're not
questioning your ability at all.
Of course not.
But I don't know you guys,
so just to be safe,
I did dig up some dirt on
you to use as blackmail
in case things go south.
On both of us?
- Just Terry Jeffords.
- Yup.
Or should I say Sir-Dance-Alot?
Oh, come on!
Turn the volume up!
Mommy can't hear us in Da Bassment.
Oof. at's embarrassing.
Sarge, you gotta
scrub-a-dub-dub that profile.
Oof. It's pungent out here.
It's so weird how food smells so good
but farms smell so bad.
Yeah, I think that every day.
So... Hawkins?
I caught her taking payoffs
from a gang leader.
When I confronted her about it,
she said I could disappear
or she'd kill me.
I see why you chose pig farming.
It's better than death.
Not during the spring thaw.
Why? Does it smell even worse somehow?
I was talking about the noises.
It's pig mating season.
What does that sound like,
a bunch of wet bagpipes?
That's exactly it.
- Oh. Nailed it.
- Hey. Yeah.
The worst part about it is,
I had to leave my wife behind.
If Hawkins knew we were still together,
I'm afraid she'll kill her.
If you testify to this in court,
it would back up everything
Jake and Rosa are saying.
It could sway the jury.
You could take Hawkins down
and get your life back.
I've tangled with her enough
to know that she always wins.
So it's a no.
Come on. You're our last chance.
I can't help you.
That's final.
Oh, my God.
Is this seat taken?
You really gonna do this, Diaz?
My name is Rachel Weinstein.
I am a graduate student on
sabbatical to study birds
at the University of Buenos Aires.
You know, Cornell has a far better
ornithology department,
and it's right here in New York.
Cornell has accused me of robbing a bank
and is gonna send me
to jail for 15 years.
I guess we're dropping the metaphor.
I don't know why you're here.
You're not gonna change my mind.
I know.
I just wanted to say good-bye.
Okay. Good-bye.
I hope you know your
family's gonna miss you.
I don't care. I barely speak to them.
I was talking about the Nine-Nine.
Be safe, Rachel Weinstein.
I guess now we have to
actually talk about
what happens if the
jury finds me guilty.
They still might not.
We could still go to Paris.
Forget Paris.
Billy Crystal. Nailed it.
I'll wait for you.
And I'll keep fighting for you
and so will everyone at the Nine-Nine.
We'll do whatever it takes.
I love you.
I love you.
Okay.
Let's go back to New York.
You can choose the music.
Just put on anything by Enya.
No, not anything. "Orinoco
Flow." On repeat.
Okay.
Wait.
I'm coming with you.
You are? You'll testify?
Hawkins has cost me and my wife
too many years of happiness.
I'm not gonna let her
do the same to you.
Thank you so much.
Well, I'm gonna grab my stuff,
and I'll get a few CDs.
Hope you like Enya.
Matthew Langdon, you and
I are vibing so hard!
Where are Jack and Rosa?
I don't know.
I'm getting worried,
because the jury's getting restless,
especially juror number 4.
She'd rather be in Lake Havasu
with her new boyfriend, Derek.
I didn't get that from her face.
I was eavesdropping by the
vending machine, so...
I just got a text from Peralta.
- He's a few minutes away.
- And Diaz?
Perhaps a bit more than
a few minutes away.
- I think there's a chance...
- I'm here!
Sorry, traffic was a nightmare
coming back from Philadelphia...
cheesesteak restaurant.
They do breakfast. It checks out.
Okay.
So what happened?
I guess I wasn't ready to
say good-bye to my family.
Good.
Neither were we.
Now what I'm picking up on
is just a genuine moment
of friendship and respect.
And now I'm feeling like
you wish I would stop analyzing you
'cause I'm ruining the moment.
But you guys are so cute.
I love you.
All rise for the honorable
Judge Marinovich.
Please, be seated. The
court is in session.
Counselor, where is Mr. Peralta?
Objection!
♪
Mr. Peralta,
what is the meaning of this?
Your Honor, I'd like to
call a surprise witness.
You're not an attorney.
Right. Sam, call a surprise witness.
Okay. Uh...
We'd like to call a surprise witness.
The jury's like, "Oh, snap, a twist."
Like, they love twists.
Any great trial has a twist.
I'm getting worried.
We're running out of time.
It's fine. This place is open 24-5.
Only closed on weekends.
Such a strange theme for a restaurant.
Agreed. But that's not what I meant.
Did you guys find anything yet?
Yes. Terry made a sizable purchase
at an Etsy store that
sells anklets for men.
Sharon thinks they're sexy.
Oh, come on! Focus on the case, man.
Hey, hey, hey! I'm in!
Can you state your name for the record?
My name is Matthew Langdon.
Mr. Langdon, do you
know Melanie Hawkins?
Yes. I worked for her for
three months in 2010.
And you are a retired...
NYPD detective, correct?
Yes, I served for 14 years.
Gotcha!
Sorry.
Proceed.
The money that was deposited
was routed through five banks.
Now, I can't link it to Hawkins,
but the original transfer
came from this shell corp.
- Huh.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
I'll text the squad,
see if anyone recognizes it.
"Flaxton Hill Holdings."
"Flaxton Hill"?
Oh, no.
Flaxton Hill Farms.
Jake! Jake! Jake!
This was a mistake.
We have to get Langdon
off the stand now.
What? Why?
And how would you
describe the Lieutenant?
He works for Hawkins.
He put the money in the accounts.
Oh, no.
Melanie Hawkins
was the most honorable
cop I ever worked with.
And the only reason that I'm here
is because of that man, Jake Peralta.
He offered me $300,000 to lie
and say that she set 'em up.
Okay, okay, this is bad.
This is really bad.
But just remember, we
are not going to jail.
We didn't do it. We're innocent.
Guilty.
On all charges.
Oh.
Guilty.
Very cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool.
Fremulon.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh!
over the city to mourn.
The grief is palpable.
But the lights from these candles
have never shone brighter.
Pizza Rat, dead tonight
at the age of four.
Kit.
All right, Haley, thank you for that.
I think it's gonna be a long,
sad night for all of us, huh?
2017 strikes again.
Indeed it does.
In other news, we are just days away now
from the start of a trial
for NYPD detectives
Jake Peralta and Rosa Diaz.
They were arrested two months ago
for a whole string of bank robberies.
The pair are currently out on bail
but, if convicted, face
up to 15 years in prison.
Yeah, Anna, these disgraced
detectives were apprehended
after a months-long
investigation by hero cop
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins.
They're guilty.
Super duper guilty.
While there is little to
no public information
about Detective Diaz, Channel 12
has learned this isn't the first time
Peralta has been on the
wrong side of the law.
We just uncovered cell phone footage
from a Criss Angel magic show.
I just want to know how he did it.
He's a mind freak!
A mind freak!
♪
Okay, update on our trial prep.
This is our lawyer, Samuel Miller,
who, in many ways, is in
charge of our defense.
In every way.
Well, "many" is part of "every."
I'm facing 15 years in prison.
st let me have this.
Okay. So, prosecution's case is strong.
You two were caught
red-handed robbing a bank
by one of the NYPD's
most esteemed detectives
in front of two dozen eyewitnesses.
Right, but can't Captain
Holt just testify
he knew you were trying to
take down Hawkins from the inside?
Unfortunately, no.
Legally you can't testify
for your best friend.
- That's not a law.
- No?
- Sam?
- Not a law.
Well, point is, he didn't
deny we're best friends.
The investigation was off the books.
There's no evidence
proving it even existed.
Doesn't matter anyway. We
don't need your testimony,
because we have... the meat fork.
What?
Our two-pronged defense.
Not unlike a fork you would use
to flip a steak on a grill.
It's a meat fork!
Sam, explain the meat fork to them.
Again, "meat fork" is fun,
but under no circumstances should
anyone say that in court.
We have it if we need it.
Tell them about the first prong.
We have airtight alibis
for the other three bank robberies
you all are accused of.
Yes, I pulled time sheets,
witness statements,
and security footage.
We can show that both
of you weren't present
at any of the other robberies, except...
March 12th. Still not
sure where Rosa was.
And you never will be.
Okay, reminder: privacy is cool,
but if you don't tell us,
we're gonna go to jail for a long time.
Fine.
I was at a "La La Land" sing-along.
Really?
- What's that?
- Enough.
- Just move on to the next prong.
- Yep.
Prosecution claims you
stole $26 million,
but they can't trace that
money to you in any way.
Yeah, I have negative
$73 in my bank account.
Ba-boom!
I'm somehow embarrassed and proud of you
at the same time.
Yeah, that's my sweet spot.
Okay, so that's where we stand.
Are there any questions or comments?
Yes, there's something I'd like to say.
Don't lose.
Thought that was gonna be longer.
- I loved it.
- It was perfect.
Hey, Boyle. How you doing there, bud?
I'm fine. I'm great.
Well, I hear your mouth say that,
but the rest of your head is
telling a different story.
Feels like the stress
of the upcoming trial
is starting to get to you.
Oh, is this about my hair turning white?
Yes, definitely.
It's not just the head hair.
It's all of it.
All. Of. It.
I get it.
It's like an Eagles concert down there.
Nothing but whites.
Understood. You got white pubes.
There's no need to stress out.
The lawyer's very confident.
Not good enough.
I need to do everything
I can to save Jake.
Charles, you're falling apart.
And that's not helping anyone.
You need to get your crap in order.
Okay, you're right. I'll take a nap.
I'll eat. I'll dye my pubes.
You can dye all your hair.
No. There's no time.
Hey. Big day. How you feeling?
Good. Good.
I was just working on my innocent face.
Check it out.
"I'm a nice boy."
Oh, no. I don't think that's doing
what you want it to at all.
Oh. Well, it doesn't matter,
because my normal face
is my innocent face,
because I'm innocent.
I know. I just hope the jury knows too.
Should we talk about what happens
if they somehow find you guilty?
That's not happening.
But what we should talk about
is how we're gonna celebrate when I win.
I'm thinking we take a trip
to Paris or London, Rome,
anywhere Jason Bourne
has driven a car down some stairs.
Paris sounds fun. Or we could just go
somewhere we could actually afford.
Oh, we can afford it.
Don't forget I robbed a bank.
I'm sitting on $26 million, baby!
Excuse me?
Oh! He's just kidding.
Yeah, I'm innocent.
You'll see when we get in there.
Nice talking to you, Judge.
Okay, you ready?
Yeah.
I love you.
I know. Han Solo.
Love you too.
You got this.
You got this.
You got this.
- Charles, you're...
- In a wheelchair, yep.
My back gave out when I
was dyeing my pubes.
I was only halfway done.
I'm like Cruella de Vil down there.
Okay, well,
I need to go be on trial
for bank robbery now,
so maybe we can talk about this later?
Oh, right. Good luck.
Good luck to you.
- About the...
- Yes.
Thank you.
Okay.
Psst! Hey, Jake.
I got you. Don't worry about it.
Really? How?
Among my many, many, many skills,
I'm fluent in face.
I can tell you what the jury's thinking
at any given moment.
I see an eyebrow twitch, I'm like, "Oh."
If their cheek has a certain tension,
okay, that leads me a different way.
Watch this.
Scully, you're wondering if
anyone can smell your fart.
The answer, my brother, is yes.
She's a witch.
What'd I tell you, boy? Trust me.
- I got you.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I like your stupid courtroom clothes.
Thanks.
I like your stupid courtroom clothes.
Thank you.
You know, if you had asked
me back at the Academy
where I wanted to be in 12 years,
I definitely would have said right here.
Same.
Great.
So it all worked out.
End of story.
All rise for the honorable
Judge Marinovich.
Please. You may be seated.
Court is in session.
Now, Miss Crunder, you were in the bank
at the time of the holdup.
Did you see the robbers' faces?
Plain as day.
They're sitting right there.
Let the record show,
she's pointing at Jake
Peralta and Rosa Diaz.
Okay, the jurors found
that super compelling.
Just an update.
Thanks, Gina.
So, like, you're not making
a good first impression.
Right. Thank you.
No doubt.
Hey. Don't worry. We got this.
We still have our alibis.
We weren't at the first three robberies.
Sure, they weren't at the
first three robberies.
But that's just so they'd
have airtight alibis.
Uh-oh.
They were only at the last robbery
'cause we were short on manpower.
Our other two guys disappeared.
I think those bastards killed them.
- Come on.
- What?
Objection. Conjecture!
Sustained. Sorry, you say it.
Sustained.
We both sounded equally authoritative.
Prong one's not looking so great.
Well, that's why we have second prong.
They can't tie us to the money.
Just this morning, my team uncovered
two accounts from the Cayman Islands
controlled by Diaz and Peralta
containing $26 million between them.
It's okay.
She has no proof.
These are the original applications
for the accounts signed
by Diaz and Peralta.
This is the affidavit
from the bank manager
identifying them as the
owners of the account,
and these are the deposit
slips for the entire amount.
Oh, no. Rosa,
we don't have any more prongs.
We're prongless.
Oh, and one more thing.
They're guilty.
No, we are not.
Please don't address the jury, Mr.
Peralta.
But... but... but...
One more "but," and you
will be in contempt.
"One more 'but'
and you're contempt,"
name of your sex tape.
Okay, I know it looks bad.
But it also looked bad for
Liam Neeson in "The Grey."
He got torn up by wolves in that movie.
That's how it ends?
Oh, man. That is depressing.
Why would someone make
a movie about that?
Okay, here's how the jury's feeling
from left to right, L to R:
not a fan of Jake, not of a fan of Rosa,
not a fan of me, bathroom incident...
We get it. They all hate us.
In toto, yes.
Some good news. I spoke to the judge,
and he's giving us an extra day
to review the new evidence.
What are they gonna find in one day?
Face it, man, we are going to jail.
We might as well start hiding
razor blades under our tongues.
Here. You can have one of mine.
How long has that been in there?
- Since grade school.
- Yeah, that checks out.
No one's going to jail.
We're gonna work this case,
and we're gonna find something.
You're not gonna sit back
and resign yourselves to your fates.
You're gonna take action.
Now, Hawkins can destroy your alibis
and put money in your accounts...
Wait, sir.
I think Hawkins just
made her first mistake.
What are you talking about?
Well, the money that she
put into our accounts
didn't just appear out
of thin air, right?
Right. It was transferred
in from somewhere.
We just have to trace
it back to its source.
Which would be Lieutenant Hawkins.
But those are offshore accounts.
We can't subpoena them.
So we need to break in
to the bank's computers.
We need a hacker.
Does anyone know a hacker?
Boyle does.
I'm Boyle!
I get to help!
Oh, my God.
I can feel my legs again.
I can walk.
Yes! It's a miracle kind of.
See? When the Nine-Nine
puts our brains together,
we can achieve anything.
Hey, we should team up
and rob banks for real!
You should stop talking in the hallway.
Yep, copy that. Nice to see you.
Okay, Boyle,
tell us about your hacker.
Okay, he goes by the handle "Pandemic,"
and there's not a
network he can't crack.
He's a phantom, a ghost.
And only I know where to find him.
Welcome to Hey, Hey, It's Wednesday's!,
where it's never the weekend.
Be right with ya.
Are you sure about this hacker, Charles?
I'm not getting a strong "Mr.
Robot" vibe
from this place.
Yeah, that's because the only thing
Pandemic loves more
than hackin' computers
is hackin' into a big old fried onion.
Oh, there he is.
Hey guys, welcome to the Quarantine.
Help yourselves to some potstickers.
Best eaten when hot.
No thanks. Here are the account numbers
for the bank where the money showed up.
Now, we're in a real hurry.
You think you can trace
it back to its source?
Are you questioning my abilities?
Watch this. What's your name?
- Why do you need...
- Terrence Vincent Jeffords.
Wait. What's happening?
You're getting hacked, bro.
That's what's happening.
- Don't do that.
- I'm in your home computer.
You are? Get out.
You got a lot of songs
by Natalie Imbruglia.
Uh, I bought those back in the '90s.
Nope. Downloaded on Thursday.
Okay, now watch the Pandemic spread.
There's a document in here
that looks to be fan fiction
for the show "Madam Secretary."
Oh, Sarge, I didn't know
you were a fan of the Madam.
The show leaves Terry wanting more.
I'm just filling in the gaps!
Now get to hacking.
Guys, I think I found something.
Is it my heart medicine?
My doctor said that if
I miss even one dose,
I could have a massive stro...
No, Scully, this is important.
I was going through the arrest reports
filed by everyone in Hawkins' squad.
We already went over these.
Right, but there was
one guy we didn't flag
because he was never
the arresting officer:
Detective Matthew Langdon.
I think something went down
between him and Hawkins.
Well, he had a stellar 14-year career
Before joining Hawkins's squad.
Then, three months later,
he quit the force entirely.
He didn't just quit. He disappeared.
No tax records. No known address.
His wife filed a missing persons report.
But after doing some
incredible sleuthing,
I think I figured out where he is.
Ames, how would you like to take
a romantic trip to the town of...
"Horseditch, Pennsylvania"?
Ooh.
The Paris of the mud belt?
Oui, oui.
Wee-wee.
Anyway, it's huge stakes.
We should get going.
Good luck.
Has anyone seen Diaz?
She's supposed be looking into
the first two bank robberies.
I saw her outside the courthouse.
She gave me her jacket
and her motorcycle helmet.
Why would she give you
her favorite jacket?
Because I'm a rebel, and we're in love.
Doi.
Diaz, I've been calling you.
Why weren't you answering your phone?
Don't have it.
I charged it and stuck it
on a truck headed west.
What's with the suitcase?
- Going to Malaysia.
- You're going to Malaysia?
No, the suitcase
is going to Malaysia.
I'm getting on a bus to Florida.
What's in Florida?
Airport. I'm flying to Argentina.
- This is very complicated.
- Thank you.
Adrian has a ranch in the Andes
where he goes when he's on the run.
He's already there, getting
rid of the scorpions.
adding more scorpions.
I don't know. The
reception was real bad.
Diaz, I know you're scared,
but things are starting to turn around.
We're on the money trail,
and we just found a new lead.
With all due respect, sir,
both you and I know that none
of that is gonna pan out.
And you said yourself
I should take action.
So I am, in Argentina,
surrounded by scorpions.
Or not surrounded by scorpions.
I'll find out when I get there.
Look. I know you're innocent,
but fleeing the country is a crime.
I could arrest you right here.
Do it then.
I didn't think so.
The mortgage is paid off.
You can give the place
to whoever you want.
I don't care.
Actually, I do care.
Don't give it to Hitchcock.
I'll have the Mid-Week Potato Leak soup,
and he'll have a "There's Work Tomorrow
So Be Cool Frozen Margarita."
Who are you?
You can call me Nightmare.
But for check writing purposes,
it's Jennifer Huggins.
The bank's encryption turned out to be
more secure than I thought,
so I had to bring in a friend.
Just tell us if this is impossible.
We don't have a lot of time to waste,
and we've been here, like,
five hours already.
Huh. You don't think I can do this?
Is it because I'm a woman?
No, no, I didn't say that.
- I think women are amazing.
- Thank you.
And now I'm about to hack your world
into pieces, old man.
That'll show you.
No. Just do the thing with the bank.
- That'll show me.
- Whoa.
Looks like someone was a
catalog model in Japan.
Whoa! Those boots.
That slicker.
The no pants.
Who's the target audience
for these pics, Sarge?
I was a starving student.
Terry needed the yen!
Babe, are you sure we're
in the right place?
This looks like where
they shot "The Village."
Amy, don't say things like that.
You're gonna scare me. You know that.
I think Langdon's wife's
been secretly visiting him.
She posted a photo in
March of a snowstorm,
but there was no snow in New York.
The picture was geotagged right...
here.
"Flaxton Hill Farms."
Check it out. There's a
car in the driveway.
Somebody's home.
Matthew Langdon? Are you there?
We'd like to talk to you
about Melanie Hawkins.
Whoa!
Don't shoot!
But seriously, don't. Don't shoot.
If I were you I'd turn
around and start walking.
Because in about three seconds,
I'm gonna start shooting.
Oh, God. He did the gun cock.
This is escalating much too quickly,
and three seconds is not enough time...
- Jake...
- Right, focus. Sorry.
Sir, we know you worked with Hawkins.
Did she send you here?
- No.
- No.
We're not with her.
We're like the opposite of that.
She set me and my friend up.
We could go to jail.
Why should I believe you?
Look, if you let me slowly
reach into my jacket pocket,
there's an article open on my phone
that will explain everything.
That's a video of a
monkey humping a frog.
What?
Oh. That's my bad.
It was a long ride up
here, and I got bored.
Here. Close that tab.
That's the article.
Hawkins ran you out of New York
and took away your life.
If you help us, maybe we
can help you get it back.
Fine. I'll talk to you,
but you gotta follow me; I
gotta go feed the hogs.
Oh, my God, what are
you gonna feed them?
Is it us?
Corn.
Hmm, corn.
Maize, as there was at
the first Thanksgiving.
- Jake.
- Right.
Let's go talk.
All right, guys.
Let's order a round of "Hey, Hey,
It's Light Beer, Light
Beer" and get into it.
Um, who is this guy?
These offshore banks
are incredibly secure,
so we needed more manpower.
But what makes you think
that he would be...
Charles, don't talk.
Do not challenge
this very capable gentleman in any way.
Just let him get to work.
Okay, thanks.
So you understand we're not
questioning your ability at all.
Of course not.
But I don't know you guys,
so just to be safe,
I did dig up some dirt on
you to use as blackmail
in case things go south.
On both of us?
- Just Terry Jeffords.
- Yup.
Or should I say Sir-Dance-Alot?
Oh, come on!
Turn the volume up!
Mommy can't hear us in Da Bassment.
Oof. at's embarrassing.
Sarge, you gotta
scrub-a-dub-dub that profile.
Oof. It's pungent out here.
It's so weird how food smells so good
but farms smell so bad.
Yeah, I think that every day.
So... Hawkins?
I caught her taking payoffs
from a gang leader.
When I confronted her about it,
she said I could disappear
or she'd kill me.
I see why you chose pig farming.
It's better than death.
Not during the spring thaw.
Why? Does it smell even worse somehow?
I was talking about the noises.
It's pig mating season.
What does that sound like,
a bunch of wet bagpipes?
That's exactly it.
- Oh. Nailed it.
- Hey. Yeah.
The worst part about it is,
I had to leave my wife behind.
If Hawkins knew we were still together,
I'm afraid she'll kill her.
If you testify to this in court,
it would back up everything
Jake and Rosa are saying.
It could sway the jury.
You could take Hawkins down
and get your life back.
I've tangled with her enough
to know that she always wins.
So it's a no.
Come on. You're our last chance.
I can't help you.
That's final.
Oh, my God.
Is this seat taken?
You really gonna do this, Diaz?
My name is Rachel Weinstein.
I am a graduate student on
sabbatical to study birds
at the University of Buenos Aires.
You know, Cornell has a far better
ornithology department,
and it's right here in New York.
Cornell has accused me of robbing a bank
and is gonna send me
to jail for 15 years.
I guess we're dropping the metaphor.
I don't know why you're here.
You're not gonna change my mind.
I know.
I just wanted to say good-bye.
Okay. Good-bye.
I hope you know your
family's gonna miss you.
I don't care. I barely speak to them.
I was talking about the Nine-Nine.
Be safe, Rachel Weinstein.
I guess now we have to
actually talk about
what happens if the
jury finds me guilty.
They still might not.
We could still go to Paris.
Forget Paris.
Billy Crystal. Nailed it.
I'll wait for you.
And I'll keep fighting for you
and so will everyone at the Nine-Nine.
We'll do whatever it takes.
I love you.
I love you.
Okay.
Let's go back to New York.
You can choose the music.
Just put on anything by Enya.
No, not anything. "Orinoco
Flow." On repeat.
Okay.
Wait.
I'm coming with you.
You are? You'll testify?
Hawkins has cost me and my wife
too many years of happiness.
I'm not gonna let her
do the same to you.
Thank you so much.
Well, I'm gonna grab my stuff,
and I'll get a few CDs.
Hope you like Enya.
Matthew Langdon, you and
I are vibing so hard!
Where are Jack and Rosa?
I don't know.
I'm getting worried,
because the jury's getting restless,
especially juror number 4.
She'd rather be in Lake Havasu
with her new boyfriend, Derek.
I didn't get that from her face.
I was eavesdropping by the
vending machine, so...
I just got a text from Peralta.
- He's a few minutes away.
- And Diaz?
Perhaps a bit more than
a few minutes away.
- I think there's a chance...
- I'm here!
Sorry, traffic was a nightmare
coming back from Philadelphia...
cheesesteak restaurant.
They do breakfast. It checks out.
Okay.
So what happened?
I guess I wasn't ready to
say good-bye to my family.
Good.
Neither were we.
Now what I'm picking up on
is just a genuine moment
of friendship and respect.
And now I'm feeling like
you wish I would stop analyzing you
'cause I'm ruining the moment.
But you guys are so cute.
I love you.
All rise for the honorable
Judge Marinovich.
Please, be seated. The
court is in session.
Counselor, where is Mr. Peralta?
Objection!
♪
Mr. Peralta,
what is the meaning of this?
Your Honor, I'd like to
call a surprise witness.
You're not an attorney.
Right. Sam, call a surprise witness.
Okay. Uh...
We'd like to call a surprise witness.
The jury's like, "Oh, snap, a twist."
Like, they love twists.
Any great trial has a twist.
I'm getting worried.
We're running out of time.
It's fine. This place is open 24-5.
Only closed on weekends.
Such a strange theme for a restaurant.
Agreed. But that's not what I meant.
Did you guys find anything yet?
Yes. Terry made a sizable purchase
at an Etsy store that
sells anklets for men.
Sharon thinks they're sexy.
Oh, come on! Focus on the case, man.
Hey, hey, hey! I'm in!
Can you state your name for the record?
My name is Matthew Langdon.
Mr. Langdon, do you
know Melanie Hawkins?
Yes. I worked for her for
three months in 2010.
And you are a retired...
NYPD detective, correct?
Yes, I served for 14 years.
Gotcha!
Sorry.
Proceed.
The money that was deposited
was routed through five banks.
Now, I can't link it to Hawkins,
but the original transfer
came from this shell corp.
- Huh.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
I'll text the squad,
see if anyone recognizes it.
"Flaxton Hill Holdings."
"Flaxton Hill"?
Oh, no.
Flaxton Hill Farms.
Jake! Jake! Jake!
This was a mistake.
We have to get Langdon
off the stand now.
What? Why?
And how would you
describe the Lieutenant?
He works for Hawkins.
He put the money in the accounts.
Oh, no.
Melanie Hawkins
was the most honorable
cop I ever worked with.
And the only reason that I'm here
is because of that man, Jake Peralta.
He offered me $300,000 to lie
and say that she set 'em up.
Okay, okay, this is bad.
This is really bad.
But just remember, we
are not going to jail.
We didn't do it. We're innocent.
Guilty.
On all charges.
Oh.
Guilty.
Very cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool.
Fremulon.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh!