Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 19 - Your Honor - full transcript
Captain Holt's mother comes to the precinct for help when her house is robbed.
- I've been going at him
for six hours.
He won't say a word.
The guy's a brick wall.
- Not to worry, sarge.
- I'll take it from here.
Hope you boys brought popcorn,
'cause I'm about
to put on a show.
Well, well, well.
I hear you don't like
answering questions, Marcos.
That's fine by me,
'cause I'm not asking.
Ooh, handle fell off.
I'll just grab that.
Nope.
So looks like we're locked in.
That's bad news for you,
'cause you're trapped in here
with a psycho.
Has anyone tried it
from the outside?
- Lock's broken.
- Gotta call facilities.
- Copy that.
- No rush.
As I said, I got all
the time in the wor...
It's a little warm in here,
right?
Do you feel any air
coming out of that vent?
I got nothing.
We got an ETA on facilities?
- At least 45 minutes.
- And they've checked all
this paint for lead, right?
And the room for asbestos.
I feel like I'm sucking
on a tailpipe in here, Marcos!
Everybody get away
from the mirror!
Come on!
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
- Hey, calm down, man.
I'll confess.
Just stop freaking out.
- What?
- I did it.
- I robbed 'em.
- Boom!
And that's how it's done.
I was faking the whole thing
to break him.
I coulda stayed in here forever.
- Good, 'cause facilities
is gonna be a couple hours.
- We're gonna die in here!
But in my version,
everything is a Transformer
except cars.
- Oh, right, like
some wisecracking biscotti
that transforms
into a missile launcher.
- No way.
- Well, it might be hard
to do the CGI on the biscotti,
but, yeah, I think
we could pull it off.
- Huh? No, I wasn't listening
to either of you.
Look who's in
Captain Holt's office.
- Who that lady?
- You are looking at the Second
Circuit Court of Appeals
Judge Laverne Holt.
- Captain Holt's mom.
- The creator.
- Widowed at age 39,
Laverne Kinnebrew Holt
singlehandedly
raised two children
and still managed to become
one of the first
black, female federal judges.
- Wow, someone read
her Wikipedia page.
- No, Jake, I wrote it.
- Oh.
- Ah! Shh.
Okay, the door's opening.
We're gonna meet her.
Everybody be cool.
Be cool!
- Santiago, what are you up to?
- Just jammin'.
Jam on, jam on.
- Okay, never mind.
Peralta, come into
my office, please.
- Ah.
- Sorry, baby, but...
- Do you think it was
the "jam on" thing?
- Yeah, I think it was
the "jam on" thing.
- Detective Peralta,
this is my mother,
the Honorable Laverne Holt.
- I'm very excited to meet you.
And let me just say, I'm a huge
fan of your early work.
Talking about this guy
right here.
- That was humor, mother.
- I know,
and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
- I love laughing and laughter.
- Oh.
- Yes, we all do,
but enough chitchat.
Peralta, my mother's house
was burgled.
- And you want me
to cover the case
because I'm your favorite
detective of all time.
- Yes, also
the "jam on" incident.
- Favorite. So why don't you
tell us what happened.
- When I got home last night,
I noticed that
the window had been smashed,
the apartment was a mess,
they took all of my jewelry.
I assume they entered
through the window,
but I don't want
to color your opinions.
- Too late, but note taken.
We'll stop by later
and check out the crime scene.
- That sounds appropriate.
Well, I should be going.
Detective, Captain.
- Your Honor, Detective.
- Captain, Your Honor.
Hey, this is fun.
Let's do it again.
Your Honor, Captain.
- Humor.
- Good day, gentlemen.
- Okay.
This is amazing.
Spending time with your mother
in your childhood home.
Ah, the adorable baby pictures,
the embarrassing stories.
The Founding Fathers Underoos.
- There will be no Underoos.
- You went commando?
- That's enough.
- Okay.
- This is a case.
I expect you to act
in a professional manner,
not a personal one.
I know sometimes
it's difficult for you
to separate the two.
- Ah, you're referring
to the fact that I love
making everything
pro-fer-sonal.
Copyright, me.
Yeah, people love that
around here,
especially Amy,
if you know what I mean.
Wink.
Finger gun.
- Perhaps Boyle
is still available.
- No, no, no, I'll be good.
- I'll leave.
- Oh, emergency, Hitchcock!
- They're stealing Brown Betty.
- Freeze!
- Get your hands off the couch.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down.
We're getting a new one.
We finally got some money
to spruce up the break room.
- What? The break room's
perfect the way it is.
It's so comfortable and relaxed.
I can put my butt or feet
on any surface in there.
- Exactly, it's disgusting,
which is why we're fixing it.
I'm open to any and all
suggestions.
- Two words.
- Property Brothers.
And they would say,
"Two words, open concept."
So four words,
Property Brothers, open concept.
- Let's draw from
a wide variety of sources,
anything from Cameron Diaz's
kitchen in "The Holiday,"
to Kate Winslet's kitchen
in "The Holiday."
- Is that such a huge range?
- Why would Iris and Amanda
swap houses
if they had
the same damn kitchen?
- Okay, good point.
Open concept,
Nancy Meyers-style kitchen.
Two great ideas.
Let's keep 'em coming.
- We could get one of those
spot-the-difference arcade games
with pictures of naked ladies.
- Tapped out at two.
- Yikes, Amy.
What's wrong with you?
- I blew a huge opportunity
to work a case with Holt's mom.
- Oh, yeah,
I didn't need an answer.
"What's wrong"
is a rhetorical question.
Anyway, I don't have time
for your sob story, okay?
I blew a tire on the way here,
so I have to call a tow truck.
- A tow truck? What?
You don't know
how to change a tire?
I am so disappointed.
That is a life skill
that every woman should have.
- Condescending and untrue.
Why would I do something myself
if I could pay
someone else to do it?
It's a gig economy, Amy.
- Gina, it feels so empowering
to use your own hands
to change a tire.
- Phone, call me a tow truck.
- No, phone, no!
Look, Gina, don't call
a tow truck, okay?
I will teach you
how to change a tire.
You'll be so happy I did.
- Okay, fine,
but on one condition.
You buy me lunch.
- What?
- No, I'm doing you a favor.
- Phone...
- Okay, no, no, no, no.
- Whatever you want, fine.
- Just let me teach you, please.
I need a win today.
- Okay, looks like
they broke through this window,
rifled through the drawers,
and then noticed...
this adorbs photo of tiny Holt
with a tiny bow tie
holding a tiny toy.
- That was his first slide rule.
He carried it with him
all over preschool.
- And then I learned to do
trigonometric functions
in my head, like a big boy.
Let's continue
with the investigation.
- Copy that.
- The alarm company said
the break-in happened
around 7:30.
Most people are home
at that time.
Is there anyone who knew
you'd be out?
- The people who were
with me at wine club.
Oh my, I just remembered,
Carol Spitzheim's house
was broken into
several months ago,
also during wine club.
- Interesting.
The odds of that happening
coincidentally
are vanishingly small.
- I would say infinitesimally.
- Yes, and I would say
teenily-weenily.
We all know words.
So sounds like we should
go undercover
to the next wine club meeting
and scope it out.
You think you can get us in?
- I think I can arrange that.
There's one tonight.
- Great.
- Final question.
Is this little Raymond's
macaroni art?
- No, that's
a macaroni infographic
he made about
educational spending
during the Johnson
administration.
- Oh, of course it is.
- I love it.
- Detective Peralta,
can I speak to you
in my childhood bedroom?
- Oh, my God, yes.
Wait, this isn't your bedroom.
- No, it's a regular room.
- You tricked me.
- That's right.
My childhood bedroom
is for good detectives
who aren't embarrassing
themselves.
- It is?
- I know you're having fun,
but enough is enough with
the prying personal questions.
You're annoying my mother.
- Are you blind?
- We're vibing like crazy.
- I assure you,
my mother's not a vibrator.
- Definitely not
what that's short for.
- I know her very well,
and she would never, uh,
connect with someone
such as yourself, no offense.
- Rude.
- I'm sorry.
What I mean is she and I
are very similar.
- Hurtful.
- All I'm saying is
she's not interested
in skateboards
and soft-water drinks.
- I happen to think
you're wrong.
I think she and I
make a wonderful pair,
and we're already
becoming friends.
- Now that is humor.
- Is everything all right?
- Yes, we're all done in here,
Your Honor.
- "Your Honor"?
Don't be so formal.
Call me Laverne.
- Oh.
- Okay, Laverne.
You got it, Laverne.
Laverne.
- Well, I know we're
undercover, but I gotta say
I'm dying to get
a little tipsy at wine club
and just dish
with my new BFF Laverne.
- Hmm, it's cute you think that.
My mother doesn't dish.
It's one of her
better qualities.
And you know who else
she told to call her Laverne?
The mailman.
The substitute mailman.
- Hello.
- I'm Judge Holt.
- It's nice to meet you.
I'm Tyrone Beverton,
a Bordeaux enthusiast
who sometimes dabbles
in the Burgundies, if forced.
- And I'm Tank Hendricks.
- Moms love me.
- Oh, strange detail.
- But believable.
Oh, Daniella, these are
two prospective members,
Tyrone and Tank.
Tyrone likes Bordeauxs,
- and Tank is beloved by mothers.
- Yes.
- Great. Could I get your info
for our database?
- Absolutely.
- I live at 100 Charming Avenue.
And Tyrone here
is at 3282nd Street,
right next to Ya Burnt Pizza.
- Great.
- Enjoy your tasting.
- Thanks.
- 100 Charming Avenue?
- It's a real place.
I looked it up,
specifically to make you mad.
Okay, I'm gonna go find
and catch our perp.
Love you, bye.
- And that is that.
- We have Shui'd the Feng
out of this place.
- It's beautiful.
Are we better at this
than our regular jobs?
- Unquestionably.
We should start our own
home renovation show.
- I can see the poster.
I'm on Terry's shoulders
screwing in a light bulb,
and Rosa stands by a ladder
looking up at us like,
"Oh, boy, what did I
get myself into?"
- I love that idea.
- Sign me up.
- Shame.
- Shame, shame.
- What is happening?
- You guys messed up.
- You messed up big time!
- And worst of all,
you're standing here
applauding yourselves for it.
- Shame.
- Are you blind?
This place looks amazing.
It looks like a Swedish airport.
Everyone's gonna love it.
- Just keep telling
yourselves that.
- Shame.
- Shame.
- Well, everyone
I talked to checked out.
- Any luck on your end?
- None.
Unfortunately we're surrounded
by stupid law-abiding citizens.
- Check out this guy at the bar.
He's furtively looking
at my mother.
- Well, let's see
what he has to say for himself.
Hi, there.
I'm Tank, this is Tyrone.
He's the son
of a close friend of mine.
- Anyway, we're new members.
- George Kenderson.
I'm fairly new
to the club as well.
- How'd you hear about it?
- I, um...
I didn't.
- You didn't hear about it?
That seems rather odd.
- Does it?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm sorry, I gotta leave now.
I've got some work to do.
Good-bye.
- When it comes to George,
I'm getting hints of guilty
with undertones of lying.
- Oh, yeah, and a strong bouquet
of "up to no good."
Wine terms.
- And then you release the jack.
And voila.
Tire changed.
Don't you feel empowered?
- Yes, there's nothing
more empowering
than getting
a condescending colleague
to do a menial task for you.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about
how you just changed my tire
while I sat here watching
a 20-minute video
of a monkey
getting its hair combed.
- But you were paying attention.
- You laughed at my joke.
- Did I?
- I like to call this
the jack of all trades.
- Silly monkey!
Oh, this monkey.
- So you really didn't
learn anything?
- No, but I hope you did.
Can't school Gina.
Gina schools you.
Class dismissed.
- Hello, Laverne.
We're not undercover anymore,
so I'm no longer
your acquaintance Tank.
I'm back to being your
close personal friend Jake.
- Okay.
- We have a lead.
George Kenderson.
We ran his name
through the system.
He got a parking ticket outside
your apartment last week.
We think he was
casing your place.
- Oh, my.
- That is shocking.
I am shocked right now.
- And I am enraged.
We are shocked and enraged.
- Yes, and we're all showing it.
- I'll get the car.
- Stay with my mother.
I've never seen her
this shocked before.
- Jake, I need to tell you
something in confidence.
- It's happening.
- It's dish time. Okay.
- George Kenderson
did not rob me.
He was not casing my apartment.
- How do you know?
- He was with me that night.
- Doing what?
- Oh, doing you.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I mean, way to go.
I'm sex positive.
I don't know what to say.
- George and I have been
in a relationship for two years.
Raymond doesn't know.
Please don't tell him.
I'm asking you as a friend.
- As a friend.
Copy that.
- Buckle up.
That car belongs
to our lead suspect,
George Kenderson.
- Lead suspect?
Is that how we left it?
I remember saying,
it can't be Kenderson.
Remember, we made up
that little song.
- Oh, Kenderson is on the move.
- Oh, great.
- There's something so devious
about taking advantage
of wine lovers.
But there won't be any wine
where you're headed, George.
Unless you make it in a toilet.
Toilet wine.
Let's bring him in, Peralta.
- Well, wait. Not yet.
- Why?
- 'Cause I, uh...
- Mm.
- What are you doing?
Forensics says his prints were
all over my mothers' apartment.
- Eh.
Nope, nope, nope.
- Enough!
- He robbed my mother.
- No, he didn't.
He's her lover.
He's your mother lover.
He's lovering your mother.
- What?
- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.
- I would know if she
were seeing someone.
- She told me last night.
They've been together
for two years.
- I see.
- And she asked me
not to say anything to you.
- I see.
- So are you upset
or just processing
or just stopping
in the middle of nowhere
and getting out of the car?
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Stop honking!
He's going through something!
- Hello, sir.
- How was your walk?
- Long and brisk.
- Wonderful.
You left me in the car,
took the keys with you.
It's still there.
Doesn't matter.
Look, I know it
must have been upsetting
to find out about
your mom's, mm,
how you say... sex.
No.
Boinking.
No.
Doinking.
Ah, it's too similar
to boinking.
I'm looking for the words.
Smashing of... stuffs together.
Eh, let's just go with
she has a boyfriend now.
- Yes, I was caught off guard,
but I'm fine now.
- Really?
- Yes.
And don't worry, I understand.
She didn't want me to know,
and I will behave
in a completely
professional manner.
- Great.
- 'Cause she's in your office.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Let's go talk about the case.
- Wow, you are
taking this so well.
- Laverne Kinnebrew Holt,
you're under arrest
for obstruction of justice.
What?
- I know you're sleeping
with George.
- Oh, come on, man.
- Raymond, I can tell
that you're upset.
- I am because you withheld
information from this detective
about an ongoing
police investigation.
- All right, I don't think this
is actually about police stuff.
Maybe we should all
just take a deep breath
and consider
not arresting our moms.
- Fine.
- You're unarrested, mother.
And Detective Peralta,
since you two
are such good friends,
why don't you handle
the case on your own?
Good day.
- Captain.
- Hey.
- What is going on in the kitchen?
It's insanely packed.
- They're all
just taking a break.
Why is nobody breaking
in the new break room?
- 'Cause it's a giant turd.
- It's the worst.
It's unusable.
You guys don't even like it.
- Yes, we do.
- Really?
You like those new stools,
huh, Charles?
- Oh.
Oh.
There we go.
- And, Rosa, how was your snack?
- You know what really
chafes my crack?
We spent years
crafting that break room
into something special,
something comfortable.
- A place with so many stains
that the new ones
just blended in.
- Where the couch cushions
were so worn down,
they comforted all butts,
large or small,
flat or juicy.
- Juicy?
- Gross.
- We built a masterpiece,
and you amateurs
flushed it down the toilet.
Skir-plash.
- Was that supposed to be
a flushing sound?
- Skir-plash.
- Hello, Gina.
- Ugh!
I knew a truck carrying
Khloe Kardashian jeans
didn't overturn
in the parking garage.
- The only thin
that's overturned
is your decision to not
learn how to fix a tire.
- Why won't you let this go?
- My parents wanted me to learn
how to change a tire,
and I thought
it was a waste of time.
Like any other
16-year-old girl,
all I wanted to do
was sit in my room alone
reading books on U.S. history.
- Ugh, every story about
your childhood makes me so sad.
- Then one day
on the way to math camp...
- Oh, sad.
- Our tire blew out,
and my mother made me fix it.
She said I should
never be dependent
on anyone for anything.
And neither should you.
So we're not gonna leave here
until you learn how to fix this.
- Oh!
Oh, damn.
Power play.
And very moving speech.
- Thank you.
- One little thing though.
That's not my car.
That's my car.
Same make, same model,
but you just slashed
a random stranger's tire.
Oopsie!
- Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God.
- Ah, hey, Captain.
Whoa, look at that map work.
Sick as heck.
- Oh an attempt at flattery.
- Well, it won't work.
This was Boyle's map,
and it was adequate at best.
- Okay, I called some precincts,
and it turns out that
while we were at wine club,
there was
an attempted break-in
at 100 Charming Avenue.
- Oh, yes, the address
you used at the wine club
specifically to make me mad.
- Well, I wouldn't
put it that way.
- You put it that way
last night, verbatim.
- And I totally regret that now,
and I hope that we can move on,
but the point is the only person
who heard me use
that address was...
Daniella Andrade.
The mailing list lady
from the wine club.
She would give the addresses
to her husband, Tommy...
Hi, Tommy... and he would
break into the houses
while the occupants
were out sipping vino.
- Okay, case closed.
- Great. So you want
to call your mother?
- Tell her we solved it?
- No need.
You can tell Laverne
the whole story over brunch.
- All right, sir, I'm sorry
that I got in the middle
of your family business,
but I'm afraid
I have to get
in the middle of it again.
Look, I don't talk
about this a lot,
but I actually have had
a difficult relationship
with one of my parents.
- Yes, your father.
- You talk about it obsessively.
- Well, I wouldn't say
obsessively.
I mean, sure, there are times
where I wish he was
there for me more but...
- Peralta.
- Right. Sorry, you.
Look, in my experience
the best thing to do
in these types of situations
is just talk about it.
- That's not the relationship
my mother and I have.
We're not open like that.
- Really?
- Because you're open with me.
- Only because you ask me
annoying, intrusive,
personal questions all the time.
- Exactly.
- You need to do that.
Be the Jake in the conversation.
- You want me to just say,
"Cowabunga, mom"?
- Oh, yes,
that would be awesome.
- Well, it's not gonna happen.
Alas, we are not
cowabunga people.
Dismissed.
- Once again,
I am so sorry about your tire.
Just accidentally
slashed it with my knife.
- How does that happen
accidentally?
- It's very common.
- I should know, I'm a cop.
Anyway, I will pay
for the damage.
- Wait, what's happening?
- My tire is fine.
- It is?
- It is!
Of course it is.
Because this is all
part of my prank show,
"Fake Tire Slashers."
Whoo!
And you have won...
$27.
And a dime.
There's cameras everywhere.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Wondering what happened?
I happened.
Out of the darkness,
a hero emerges.
You know,
using only my bare hands
and also a few tools
I replaced that plebe's flat
with one of my tires.
- You changed a tire!
- You were listening to me.
- Not at all.
I watched a video online
on how to do it.
But I will give you this,
it was really empowering.
- Right? And you did
such an impressive job,
especially for your first time.
- Oh, no, I had
a bunch of practice.
I actually used
your car for that.
Thank you so much.
- Oh.
You still changed a tire.
Counting this as a win.
- Okay, you're right
about the break room.
- Nuh doy.
- Nobody liked it,
and it wasn't functional.
- Double nuh doy.
- So we tried to put
everything back the way it was.
We want your seal of approval.
- Oh, we'll be
the judge of that.
- Yes, that's what
we're asking for.
- It's beautiful.
You even got back the bumper
pool table no one ever uses.
- Wait a minute, you liars!
What's that nice couch
doing here?
- The old couch didn't make it.
- The second the sunlight
hit it, it turned to dust.
- Sorry, guys, we're stuck with
the nice, clean expensive sofa.
But I guess we'll just
have to make do.
- Oh, we'll make do.
- We'll make do all over it.
- Well, I just mean
we'll fix it.
- Hells yeah, we will.
- Should we wake them?
- Nah, let 'em sleep.
- They earned it.
- Daniella and her husband
confessed to the burglary
and two others.
We've already recovered
a number of your items.
- Thank you for the information.
Where's Raymond?
- Oh, he couldn't make it.
He's attending
to some urgent business.
- That's a stone cold lie.
- Raymond?
- Cowabunga, mother!
- What?
- Yes.
- We need to talk.
- I'd say that's accurate.
- Well, it looks like
my work is done here.
I'll just be leaving.
Oh, damn it.
Handle's still broken off.
Uh, just pretend I'm not here.
I'll close my eyes.
- I'm hurt that you didn't
feel comfortable
telling me
about George Kenderson.
- I didn't know how to.
We're not very good at talking
about personal matters.
- I'd categorize that
as an understatement.
- Humor?
- Yes, to alleviate
some of the tension.
- It worked.
After your father died,
my personal life was very sad.
I didn't talk to you about it,
because I wanted you
to think I was strong.
- And I wanted you
to think the same of me.
I guess eventually
we stopped talking
about personal matter
altogether.
- I think it's time we let
each other off the hook.
From now on, I'm going
to be 15% more forthcoming
on personal details
and 5% more
physically affectionate.
- And I will adjust in kind,
while also implementing
a 12% increase
in impromptu communication.
- Oh, Raymond.
I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Oh, this is such
a beautiful moment.
Are you guys hugging?
It feels like a hugging moment.
- In the workplace?
- Don't be absurd.
- Stop yelling at me.
- I saved the day!
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
for six hours.
He won't say a word.
The guy's a brick wall.
- Not to worry, sarge.
- I'll take it from here.
Hope you boys brought popcorn,
'cause I'm about
to put on a show.
Well, well, well.
I hear you don't like
answering questions, Marcos.
That's fine by me,
'cause I'm not asking.
Ooh, handle fell off.
I'll just grab that.
Nope.
So looks like we're locked in.
That's bad news for you,
'cause you're trapped in here
with a psycho.
Has anyone tried it
from the outside?
- Lock's broken.
- Gotta call facilities.
- Copy that.
- No rush.
As I said, I got all
the time in the wor...
It's a little warm in here,
right?
Do you feel any air
coming out of that vent?
I got nothing.
We got an ETA on facilities?
- At least 45 minutes.
- And they've checked all
this paint for lead, right?
And the room for asbestos.
I feel like I'm sucking
on a tailpipe in here, Marcos!
Everybody get away
from the mirror!
Come on!
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
- Hey, calm down, man.
I'll confess.
Just stop freaking out.
- What?
- I did it.
- I robbed 'em.
- Boom!
And that's how it's done.
I was faking the whole thing
to break him.
I coulda stayed in here forever.
- Good, 'cause facilities
is gonna be a couple hours.
- We're gonna die in here!
But in my version,
everything is a Transformer
except cars.
- Oh, right, like
some wisecracking biscotti
that transforms
into a missile launcher.
- No way.
- Well, it might be hard
to do the CGI on the biscotti,
but, yeah, I think
we could pull it off.
- Huh? No, I wasn't listening
to either of you.
Look who's in
Captain Holt's office.
- Who that lady?
- You are looking at the Second
Circuit Court of Appeals
Judge Laverne Holt.
- Captain Holt's mom.
- The creator.
- Widowed at age 39,
Laverne Kinnebrew Holt
singlehandedly
raised two children
and still managed to become
one of the first
black, female federal judges.
- Wow, someone read
her Wikipedia page.
- No, Jake, I wrote it.
- Oh.
- Ah! Shh.
Okay, the door's opening.
We're gonna meet her.
Everybody be cool.
Be cool!
- Santiago, what are you up to?
- Just jammin'.
Jam on, jam on.
- Okay, never mind.
Peralta, come into
my office, please.
- Ah.
- Sorry, baby, but...
- Do you think it was
the "jam on" thing?
- Yeah, I think it was
the "jam on" thing.
- Detective Peralta,
this is my mother,
the Honorable Laverne Holt.
- I'm very excited to meet you.
And let me just say, I'm a huge
fan of your early work.
Talking about this guy
right here.
- That was humor, mother.
- I know,
and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
- I love laughing and laughter.
- Oh.
- Yes, we all do,
but enough chitchat.
Peralta, my mother's house
was burgled.
- And you want me
to cover the case
because I'm your favorite
detective of all time.
- Yes, also
the "jam on" incident.
- Favorite. So why don't you
tell us what happened.
- When I got home last night,
I noticed that
the window had been smashed,
the apartment was a mess,
they took all of my jewelry.
I assume they entered
through the window,
but I don't want
to color your opinions.
- Too late, but note taken.
We'll stop by later
and check out the crime scene.
- That sounds appropriate.
Well, I should be going.
Detective, Captain.
- Your Honor, Detective.
- Captain, Your Honor.
Hey, this is fun.
Let's do it again.
Your Honor, Captain.
- Humor.
- Good day, gentlemen.
- Okay.
This is amazing.
Spending time with your mother
in your childhood home.
Ah, the adorable baby pictures,
the embarrassing stories.
The Founding Fathers Underoos.
- There will be no Underoos.
- You went commando?
- That's enough.
- Okay.
- This is a case.
I expect you to act
in a professional manner,
not a personal one.
I know sometimes
it's difficult for you
to separate the two.
- Ah, you're referring
to the fact that I love
making everything
pro-fer-sonal.
Copyright, me.
Yeah, people love that
around here,
especially Amy,
if you know what I mean.
Wink.
Finger gun.
- Perhaps Boyle
is still available.
- No, no, no, I'll be good.
- I'll leave.
- Oh, emergency, Hitchcock!
- They're stealing Brown Betty.
- Freeze!
- Get your hands off the couch.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down.
We're getting a new one.
We finally got some money
to spruce up the break room.
- What? The break room's
perfect the way it is.
It's so comfortable and relaxed.
I can put my butt or feet
on any surface in there.
- Exactly, it's disgusting,
which is why we're fixing it.
I'm open to any and all
suggestions.
- Two words.
- Property Brothers.
And they would say,
"Two words, open concept."
So four words,
Property Brothers, open concept.
- Let's draw from
a wide variety of sources,
anything from Cameron Diaz's
kitchen in "The Holiday,"
to Kate Winslet's kitchen
in "The Holiday."
- Is that such a huge range?
- Why would Iris and Amanda
swap houses
if they had
the same damn kitchen?
- Okay, good point.
Open concept,
Nancy Meyers-style kitchen.
Two great ideas.
Let's keep 'em coming.
- We could get one of those
spot-the-difference arcade games
with pictures of naked ladies.
- Tapped out at two.
- Yikes, Amy.
What's wrong with you?
- I blew a huge opportunity
to work a case with Holt's mom.
- Oh, yeah,
I didn't need an answer.
"What's wrong"
is a rhetorical question.
Anyway, I don't have time
for your sob story, okay?
I blew a tire on the way here,
so I have to call a tow truck.
- A tow truck? What?
You don't know
how to change a tire?
I am so disappointed.
That is a life skill
that every woman should have.
- Condescending and untrue.
Why would I do something myself
if I could pay
someone else to do it?
It's a gig economy, Amy.
- Gina, it feels so empowering
to use your own hands
to change a tire.
- Phone, call me a tow truck.
- No, phone, no!
Look, Gina, don't call
a tow truck, okay?
I will teach you
how to change a tire.
You'll be so happy I did.
- Okay, fine,
but on one condition.
You buy me lunch.
- What?
- No, I'm doing you a favor.
- Phone...
- Okay, no, no, no, no.
- Whatever you want, fine.
- Just let me teach you, please.
I need a win today.
- Okay, looks like
they broke through this window,
rifled through the drawers,
and then noticed...
this adorbs photo of tiny Holt
with a tiny bow tie
holding a tiny toy.
- That was his first slide rule.
He carried it with him
all over preschool.
- And then I learned to do
trigonometric functions
in my head, like a big boy.
Let's continue
with the investigation.
- Copy that.
- The alarm company said
the break-in happened
around 7:30.
Most people are home
at that time.
Is there anyone who knew
you'd be out?
- The people who were
with me at wine club.
Oh my, I just remembered,
Carol Spitzheim's house
was broken into
several months ago,
also during wine club.
- Interesting.
The odds of that happening
coincidentally
are vanishingly small.
- I would say infinitesimally.
- Yes, and I would say
teenily-weenily.
We all know words.
So sounds like we should
go undercover
to the next wine club meeting
and scope it out.
You think you can get us in?
- I think I can arrange that.
There's one tonight.
- Great.
- Final question.
Is this little Raymond's
macaroni art?
- No, that's
a macaroni infographic
he made about
educational spending
during the Johnson
administration.
- Oh, of course it is.
- I love it.
- Detective Peralta,
can I speak to you
in my childhood bedroom?
- Oh, my God, yes.
Wait, this isn't your bedroom.
- No, it's a regular room.
- You tricked me.
- That's right.
My childhood bedroom
is for good detectives
who aren't embarrassing
themselves.
- It is?
- I know you're having fun,
but enough is enough with
the prying personal questions.
You're annoying my mother.
- Are you blind?
- We're vibing like crazy.
- I assure you,
my mother's not a vibrator.
- Definitely not
what that's short for.
- I know her very well,
and she would never, uh,
connect with someone
such as yourself, no offense.
- Rude.
- I'm sorry.
What I mean is she and I
are very similar.
- Hurtful.
- All I'm saying is
she's not interested
in skateboards
and soft-water drinks.
- I happen to think
you're wrong.
I think she and I
make a wonderful pair,
and we're already
becoming friends.
- Now that is humor.
- Is everything all right?
- Yes, we're all done in here,
Your Honor.
- "Your Honor"?
Don't be so formal.
Call me Laverne.
- Oh.
- Okay, Laverne.
You got it, Laverne.
Laverne.
- Well, I know we're
undercover, but I gotta say
I'm dying to get
a little tipsy at wine club
and just dish
with my new BFF Laverne.
- Hmm, it's cute you think that.
My mother doesn't dish.
It's one of her
better qualities.
And you know who else
she told to call her Laverne?
The mailman.
The substitute mailman.
- Hello.
- I'm Judge Holt.
- It's nice to meet you.
I'm Tyrone Beverton,
a Bordeaux enthusiast
who sometimes dabbles
in the Burgundies, if forced.
- And I'm Tank Hendricks.
- Moms love me.
- Oh, strange detail.
- But believable.
Oh, Daniella, these are
two prospective members,
Tyrone and Tank.
Tyrone likes Bordeauxs,
- and Tank is beloved by mothers.
- Yes.
- Great. Could I get your info
for our database?
- Absolutely.
- I live at 100 Charming Avenue.
And Tyrone here
is at 3282nd Street,
right next to Ya Burnt Pizza.
- Great.
- Enjoy your tasting.
- Thanks.
- 100 Charming Avenue?
- It's a real place.
I looked it up,
specifically to make you mad.
Okay, I'm gonna go find
and catch our perp.
Love you, bye.
- And that is that.
- We have Shui'd the Feng
out of this place.
- It's beautiful.
Are we better at this
than our regular jobs?
- Unquestionably.
We should start our own
home renovation show.
- I can see the poster.
I'm on Terry's shoulders
screwing in a light bulb,
and Rosa stands by a ladder
looking up at us like,
"Oh, boy, what did I
get myself into?"
- I love that idea.
- Sign me up.
- Shame.
- Shame, shame.
- What is happening?
- You guys messed up.
- You messed up big time!
- And worst of all,
you're standing here
applauding yourselves for it.
- Shame.
- Are you blind?
This place looks amazing.
It looks like a Swedish airport.
Everyone's gonna love it.
- Just keep telling
yourselves that.
- Shame.
- Shame.
- Well, everyone
I talked to checked out.
- Any luck on your end?
- None.
Unfortunately we're surrounded
by stupid law-abiding citizens.
- Check out this guy at the bar.
He's furtively looking
at my mother.
- Well, let's see
what he has to say for himself.
Hi, there.
I'm Tank, this is Tyrone.
He's the son
of a close friend of mine.
- Anyway, we're new members.
- George Kenderson.
I'm fairly new
to the club as well.
- How'd you hear about it?
- I, um...
I didn't.
- You didn't hear about it?
That seems rather odd.
- Does it?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm sorry, I gotta leave now.
I've got some work to do.
Good-bye.
- When it comes to George,
I'm getting hints of guilty
with undertones of lying.
- Oh, yeah, and a strong bouquet
of "up to no good."
Wine terms.
- And then you release the jack.
And voila.
Tire changed.
Don't you feel empowered?
- Yes, there's nothing
more empowering
than getting
a condescending colleague
to do a menial task for you.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about
how you just changed my tire
while I sat here watching
a 20-minute video
of a monkey
getting its hair combed.
- But you were paying attention.
- You laughed at my joke.
- Did I?
- I like to call this
the jack of all trades.
- Silly monkey!
Oh, this monkey.
- So you really didn't
learn anything?
- No, but I hope you did.
Can't school Gina.
Gina schools you.
Class dismissed.
- Hello, Laverne.
We're not undercover anymore,
so I'm no longer
your acquaintance Tank.
I'm back to being your
close personal friend Jake.
- Okay.
- We have a lead.
George Kenderson.
We ran his name
through the system.
He got a parking ticket outside
your apartment last week.
We think he was
casing your place.
- Oh, my.
- That is shocking.
I am shocked right now.
- And I am enraged.
We are shocked and enraged.
- Yes, and we're all showing it.
- I'll get the car.
- Stay with my mother.
I've never seen her
this shocked before.
- Jake, I need to tell you
something in confidence.
- It's happening.
- It's dish time. Okay.
- George Kenderson
did not rob me.
He was not casing my apartment.
- How do you know?
- He was with me that night.
- Doing what?
- Oh, doing you.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I mean, way to go.
I'm sex positive.
I don't know what to say.
- George and I have been
in a relationship for two years.
Raymond doesn't know.
Please don't tell him.
I'm asking you as a friend.
- As a friend.
Copy that.
- Buckle up.
That car belongs
to our lead suspect,
George Kenderson.
- Lead suspect?
Is that how we left it?
I remember saying,
it can't be Kenderson.
Remember, we made up
that little song.
- Oh, Kenderson is on the move.
- Oh, great.
- There's something so devious
about taking advantage
of wine lovers.
But there won't be any wine
where you're headed, George.
Unless you make it in a toilet.
Toilet wine.
Let's bring him in, Peralta.
- Well, wait. Not yet.
- Why?
- 'Cause I, uh...
- Mm.
- What are you doing?
Forensics says his prints were
all over my mothers' apartment.
- Eh.
Nope, nope, nope.
- Enough!
- He robbed my mother.
- No, he didn't.
He's her lover.
He's your mother lover.
He's lovering your mother.
- What?
- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.
- I would know if she
were seeing someone.
- She told me last night.
They've been together
for two years.
- I see.
- And she asked me
not to say anything to you.
- I see.
- So are you upset
or just processing
or just stopping
in the middle of nowhere
and getting out of the car?
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Stop honking!
He's going through something!
- Hello, sir.
- How was your walk?
- Long and brisk.
- Wonderful.
You left me in the car,
took the keys with you.
It's still there.
Doesn't matter.
Look, I know it
must have been upsetting
to find out about
your mom's, mm,
how you say... sex.
No.
Boinking.
No.
Doinking.
Ah, it's too similar
to boinking.
I'm looking for the words.
Smashing of... stuffs together.
Eh, let's just go with
she has a boyfriend now.
- Yes, I was caught off guard,
but I'm fine now.
- Really?
- Yes.
And don't worry, I understand.
She didn't want me to know,
and I will behave
in a completely
professional manner.
- Great.
- 'Cause she's in your office.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Let's go talk about the case.
- Wow, you are
taking this so well.
- Laverne Kinnebrew Holt,
you're under arrest
for obstruction of justice.
What?
- I know you're sleeping
with George.
- Oh, come on, man.
- Raymond, I can tell
that you're upset.
- I am because you withheld
information from this detective
about an ongoing
police investigation.
- All right, I don't think this
is actually about police stuff.
Maybe we should all
just take a deep breath
and consider
not arresting our moms.
- Fine.
- You're unarrested, mother.
And Detective Peralta,
since you two
are such good friends,
why don't you handle
the case on your own?
Good day.
- Captain.
- Hey.
- What is going on in the kitchen?
It's insanely packed.
- They're all
just taking a break.
Why is nobody breaking
in the new break room?
- 'Cause it's a giant turd.
- It's the worst.
It's unusable.
You guys don't even like it.
- Yes, we do.
- Really?
You like those new stools,
huh, Charles?
- Oh.
Oh.
There we go.
- And, Rosa, how was your snack?
- You know what really
chafes my crack?
We spent years
crafting that break room
into something special,
something comfortable.
- A place with so many stains
that the new ones
just blended in.
- Where the couch cushions
were so worn down,
they comforted all butts,
large or small,
flat or juicy.
- Juicy?
- Gross.
- We built a masterpiece,
and you amateurs
flushed it down the toilet.
Skir-plash.
- Was that supposed to be
a flushing sound?
- Skir-plash.
- Hello, Gina.
- Ugh!
I knew a truck carrying
Khloe Kardashian jeans
didn't overturn
in the parking garage.
- The only thin
that's overturned
is your decision to not
learn how to fix a tire.
- Why won't you let this go?
- My parents wanted me to learn
how to change a tire,
and I thought
it was a waste of time.
Like any other
16-year-old girl,
all I wanted to do
was sit in my room alone
reading books on U.S. history.
- Ugh, every story about
your childhood makes me so sad.
- Then one day
on the way to math camp...
- Oh, sad.
- Our tire blew out,
and my mother made me fix it.
She said I should
never be dependent
on anyone for anything.
And neither should you.
So we're not gonna leave here
until you learn how to fix this.
- Oh!
Oh, damn.
Power play.
And very moving speech.
- Thank you.
- One little thing though.
That's not my car.
That's my car.
Same make, same model,
but you just slashed
a random stranger's tire.
Oopsie!
- Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God.
- Ah, hey, Captain.
Whoa, look at that map work.
Sick as heck.
- Oh an attempt at flattery.
- Well, it won't work.
This was Boyle's map,
and it was adequate at best.
- Okay, I called some precincts,
and it turns out that
while we were at wine club,
there was
an attempted break-in
at 100 Charming Avenue.
- Oh, yes, the address
you used at the wine club
specifically to make me mad.
- Well, I wouldn't
put it that way.
- You put it that way
last night, verbatim.
- And I totally regret that now,
and I hope that we can move on,
but the point is the only person
who heard me use
that address was...
Daniella Andrade.
The mailing list lady
from the wine club.
She would give the addresses
to her husband, Tommy...
Hi, Tommy... and he would
break into the houses
while the occupants
were out sipping vino.
- Okay, case closed.
- Great. So you want
to call your mother?
- Tell her we solved it?
- No need.
You can tell Laverne
the whole story over brunch.
- All right, sir, I'm sorry
that I got in the middle
of your family business,
but I'm afraid
I have to get
in the middle of it again.
Look, I don't talk
about this a lot,
but I actually have had
a difficult relationship
with one of my parents.
- Yes, your father.
- You talk about it obsessively.
- Well, I wouldn't say
obsessively.
I mean, sure, there are times
where I wish he was
there for me more but...
- Peralta.
- Right. Sorry, you.
Look, in my experience
the best thing to do
in these types of situations
is just talk about it.
- That's not the relationship
my mother and I have.
We're not open like that.
- Really?
- Because you're open with me.
- Only because you ask me
annoying, intrusive,
personal questions all the time.
- Exactly.
- You need to do that.
Be the Jake in the conversation.
- You want me to just say,
"Cowabunga, mom"?
- Oh, yes,
that would be awesome.
- Well, it's not gonna happen.
Alas, we are not
cowabunga people.
Dismissed.
- Once again,
I am so sorry about your tire.
Just accidentally
slashed it with my knife.
- How does that happen
accidentally?
- It's very common.
- I should know, I'm a cop.
Anyway, I will pay
for the damage.
- Wait, what's happening?
- My tire is fine.
- It is?
- It is!
Of course it is.
Because this is all
part of my prank show,
"Fake Tire Slashers."
Whoo!
And you have won...
$27.
And a dime.
There's cameras everywhere.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Wondering what happened?
I happened.
Out of the darkness,
a hero emerges.
You know,
using only my bare hands
and also a few tools
I replaced that plebe's flat
with one of my tires.
- You changed a tire!
- You were listening to me.
- Not at all.
I watched a video online
on how to do it.
But I will give you this,
it was really empowering.
- Right? And you did
such an impressive job,
especially for your first time.
- Oh, no, I had
a bunch of practice.
I actually used
your car for that.
Thank you so much.
- Oh.
You still changed a tire.
Counting this as a win.
- Okay, you're right
about the break room.
- Nuh doy.
- Nobody liked it,
and it wasn't functional.
- Double nuh doy.
- So we tried to put
everything back the way it was.
We want your seal of approval.
- Oh, we'll be
the judge of that.
- Yes, that's what
we're asking for.
- It's beautiful.
You even got back the bumper
pool table no one ever uses.
- Wait a minute, you liars!
What's that nice couch
doing here?
- The old couch didn't make it.
- The second the sunlight
hit it, it turned to dust.
- Sorry, guys, we're stuck with
the nice, clean expensive sofa.
But I guess we'll just
have to make do.
- Oh, we'll make do.
- We'll make do all over it.
- Well, I just mean
we'll fix it.
- Hells yeah, we will.
- Should we wake them?
- Nah, let 'em sleep.
- They earned it.
- Daniella and her husband
confessed to the burglary
and two others.
We've already recovered
a number of your items.
- Thank you for the information.
Where's Raymond?
- Oh, he couldn't make it.
He's attending
to some urgent business.
- That's a stone cold lie.
- Raymond?
- Cowabunga, mother!
- What?
- Yes.
- We need to talk.
- I'd say that's accurate.
- Well, it looks like
my work is done here.
I'll just be leaving.
Oh, damn it.
Handle's still broken off.
Uh, just pretend I'm not here.
I'll close my eyes.
- I'm hurt that you didn't
feel comfortable
telling me
about George Kenderson.
- I didn't know how to.
We're not very good at talking
about personal matters.
- I'd categorize that
as an understatement.
- Humor?
- Yes, to alleviate
some of the tension.
- It worked.
After your father died,
my personal life was very sad.
I didn't talk to you about it,
because I wanted you
to think I was strong.
- And I wanted you
to think the same of me.
I guess eventually
we stopped talking
about personal matter
altogether.
- I think it's time we let
each other off the hook.
From now on, I'm going
to be 15% more forthcoming
on personal details
and 5% more
physically affectionate.
- And I will adjust in kind,
while also implementing
a 12% increase
in impromptu communication.
- Oh, Raymond.
I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Oh, this is such
a beautiful moment.
Are you guys hugging?
It feels like a hugging moment.
- In the workplace?
- Don't be absurd.
- Stop yelling at me.
- I saved the day!
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.