Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Last Ride - full transcript
Jake and Charles search for a bike thief on what may be their last case together.
- Attention, squad.
Here's where we stand
vis-а-vis whether or not
the precinct will be shut down.
The precinct will be shut down.
- What?
- No!
- But I thought the official
hearing wasn't until tonight.
Amy's friend at HQ
heard that maybe
the seven-four was getting
shut down instead.
- There's no way that's true.
- Amy doesn't have a friend.
- I do so!
Although, I only see her
at work events,
and we only talk through email.
Oh, god, she's just a colleague.
- Santiago's work acquaintance
is correct.
Tonight at 7:00
the committee is choosing
between us and the seven-four,
although the seven-four
has a significant advantage.
They house
an elite gang task force.
- Well, this is on you, sir.
I begged you for a task force,
but no, you wouldn't give me
funding for
strike-team thunder-kill Alpha,
colon, hard target.
- You never told me
what it was for.
- It's a strike team that...
Kills thunder and puts its
colon on hard targets.
- They're gonna split us up
and send us all
to different precincts.
This is the last time
I'm gonna stand up here
and look at you guys.
Hitchcock, close your damn legs!
- No!
- This isn't over yet.
Sure, maybe we don't have
strike-team thunder-kill Alpha,
colon, hard target,
but we're the nine-nine.
We have Rosa and Charles,
Gina, Amy and Terry, and Carl!
- It's mark.
- Sorry.
I was just trying
to include someone
from outside the inner circle.
- There's an inner circle?
- The point is
we're not rolling over.
We're gonna solve a huge case
before the hearing tonight,
and then the NYPD cannot
shut us down.
So come on, captain,
give me something big and juicy.
What do you got?
- A ten-year-old
had his bike stolen.
- We are S'd in the B.
- Hi-do-ho there,
Charlie old boy.
Come have a seat.
- Beanbags?
- But these are happy seats.
Why are you happy?
Oh, my god, you figured out
how to save the precinct.
You got a juicy case.
You juiced this mama.
- Nope, same unjuicy case.
New juicer attitude.
The way I see it,
if this is to be our last ride
then let us go out
in a Blaze of glory.
- Ooh.
- Charles, think about
anything you ever
wanted to do on a case.
We're doing it today.
- Oh, hence the beanbags.
- Hence is right, and also hence
we're gonna drive around
in the coolest undercover car
in the impound lot.
- Herbie from
"Herbie fully loaded."
- What? No.
You really think "Herbie fully
loaded" was on the impound lot?
- Without a doubt.
- Well, anyway, it's a mustang.
It's got a stripe
down the middle.
- Like Herbie.
- Okay.
- One question, can we wear
matching leather jackets?
- Oh, man, I don't know
if we're gonna have time
to pull something
like that together!
What?
- Blaze of glory!
- Blaze of glory.
- You're not giving us
any new cases?
There's nothing to work on.
Damn it!
So this is how it ends.
- Well, every ending is
a new beginning.
Another great
Gina Linetti entrance.
You better savor these
while you still can, sarge.
- Gina, I am not in the mood.
How are you so unaffected
by all this?
- Because I have
already moved on.
I'm devoting my energy
to my new project, Ginazon.
It's a one-stop online portal
for my legions of followers.
Speaking of whom,
what's up g-hive?
It's queen gee.
I'm bored at work,
so I'm gonna prank
all my coworkers.
- That sounds like a bad idea
for an already crappy day.
- Fine, sarge.
- I won't do it.
I will do it,
so you can count this
as my first prank I guess,
unofficially.
- Hey, Diaz, HQ isn't giving us
any new cases
because we might shut down.
You have anything?
- No, sorry, I got nothing.
- Oh, man!
I am one arrest away from
the all-time precinct record.
Two more solves woulda
put me over the top.
- So? Nothing wrong
with second place.
- Name one silver medalist.
- Michelle Kwan.
- She fell, Rosa.
She fell so much!
- Oh, yeah.
- Besides, it's not about
me wanting the record.
It's about who currently has it.
Hitchcock.
Hitchcock?
- How is that possible?
- He's been here 20 years
longer than me,
and New York City in the '80s
was basically "the purge."
- I always knew I was
the best cop in the nine-nine,
and now there's proof.
Oh, man!
My Pasghetti!
- We're getting you that record.
- Hey, can I talk
to the captain?
- Ugh, he's on the phone.
Do you want a coffee
while you wait?
They made me an extra one
on accident.
- Oh, sure.
Thank you.
Oh, my god!
What is that?
- Cement!
- You just drank cement!
Guys, check back in
to see if she dies.
Ugh!
You're not really gonna die
probably, okay?
Just a little honey
for the g-hive.
Also you can talk to Holt.
He is not on the phone.
- What is happening?
- It's a little something I call
two pranks for the price of one!
- Santiago, I'm on the phone.
Triple prank!
- I'm so sorry, sir.
- I can come back later.
- No, it's too late.
- The call is ruined.
Good-bye, dear.
What do you want?
- Well, since there's
a good chance
that things are coming
to an end,
I just wanted to say thank you
for everything
that you've taught me.
I know you may not see yourself
as my mentor, but...
- Of course I do. I've been
mentoring you all this time.
- What?
- This is day 1,282
of a nine-year mentorship
I had mapped out for you.
Under ordinary circumstances
I wouldn't reveal this to you
until day 3,300.
- It was real.
There was a binder.
- Not anymore.
- No!
You can still mentor me
if we don't work together.
We could meet for breakfast
every day.
You could teach me over eggs.
- Eggs for breakfast?
You're further behind
than I thought.
- Ah!
- No, look, okay.
There are ten hours left, sir.
If you talk fast enough,
you can teach me everything.
- Interesting.
- Okay.
You'll have to take notes.
Do you think you can keep up?
- Let's just say I was president
of the stenographer's club
in high school for a reason.
- Was the reason because
you were the only member?
- Yes.
- This is so cool!
I feel like we're
in a Cologne ad.
- Oh, yeah, check this out.
- Whoop!
- Yeah!
Cleaning your teeth in public
like you just don't give a what.
- No, it's like a cool toothpick
like Stallone in "cobra."
- Eh, lateral move.
Hey, I know this is just
a stolen bike case,
but you know what we should do?
Stand back-to-back
with our guns drawn
while we're surrounded
by bad guys.
- You know what I call that.
- The man sprinkler.
- Bullet tornado.
- Yep, bullet tornado.
- What was yours?
- I didn't hear it.
- Same as you.
- Bullet tornado.
The important thing is we don't
have to talk about it anymore
'cause we both said
the same excellent name.
- Ah.
- Wait a minute, Boyle.
Is this our bike?
- Green grips, orange pegs.
I think it is.
NYPD!
Hands on your head!
- Hood slide.
Congratulations, punk.
Charles, tell him what he won.
You're supposed to tell him
he's won an all-expenses-paid,
luxury trip to hell.
We rehearsed this.
- I'm sorry, I know.
- It just hit me that it's over.
I wanted the case
to last longer.
- Come on,
it's not necessarily over.
I mean, this guy could still
make a break for it
or take me hostage or...
Have a huge bag of heroin.
- Oh, my god, it's not over yet.
This just became
a giant drug case.
- We can save the nine-nine.
- We can save the nine-nine!
- This man is our savior.
- And he looks like Jesus.
- Yeah, he looks like
a hunky Jesus.
- Yeah!
- Thanks for the heroin,
hunky Jesus.
- How'd the interrogation go?
- Awesome.
I got to do something
that I always wanted to do.
You make me sick.
Hee-ya!
He was actually really helpful.
I feel bad.
Anyways, turns out he works
for a dealer named Dom,
who supplies half
the heroin in the city.
If we take him down,
there's no way they close
the nine-nine.
- But the hearing's
in six hours.
How do we get the Dom?
- Apparently he uses
BMX riders to move his product,
and as it turns out
when I was a kid
I was a vert fiend.
- That's great news.
- Please explain that.
- That means I rode BMX.
- Ah.
- So we get our perp
to text this Dom guy,
tell him to hire me
to move his product.
Then I show up,
grind a bunch of gnarly rails.
I'm talking real fluffy ones.
- Radical. I bet you're
an awesome fluffer.
- No.
- I bet you fluffed
those other riders right out
of their biker shorts.
- Charles...
- I can picture you
as a teenager fluffing
all of New York City.
- Charles, stop talking.
Fluffing has
a different meaning.
So I get the job,
we take down Dom,
precinct's saved,
then I do an ice pick 360
on the podium
at the press conference.
- Awesome.
- One question.
Do you still know how to ride?
- Come on, riding a bike,
it's like riding a bike.
Wheelie.
No.
Wheelie.
No.
Boyle, it's 'cause
you're watching.
- Okay.
One more try.
One more try.
One more try.
One more try.
One more try.
- Did you do it?
- Hey, sarge, check it out.
Hitchcock got a tattoo.
- Mr. nine-nine.
- Why are you putting
a gun in your mouth?
- I'm blowing smoke
off the barrel.
It's cool.
- The barrel is fully
inside your mouth.
You're clearly about
to kill yourself.
- You're just jealous 'cause
he's got the arrest record
and you don't.
- Yeah, suck on this.
- Click, pow!
- You pulled the trigger, man!
- That was a suicide!
- Sarge, I got a case for you.
Guy had his phone stolen
at a bar last night.
- All right!
- It's not that big a deal.
I just need to file
a police report
for my insurance company.
- No, it is a major injustice,
and we're gonna set it right.
- It was a crappy old phone.
- I'd rather just get a new one.
- We're the police
and we're here to help you.
So shut your damn mouth.
Now tell us what he looked like.
- I only saw his back.
Uh, he had a blue hoodie on.
- Whoo!
- We got a lead!
- Dom just texted.
The meet-up spot
is ten minutes away.
- This is so awesome.
When I was a kid, I said I
wanted to be a BMX detective,
and they laughed at me.
Well, who's laughing now,
Kenny Yarborough?
Kenny actually opened up
a chain of salad places.
He's doing quite well
for himself.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Hey, what if they can tell
you're amazing
but a little rusty
and therefore kinda bad?
- Not to worry,
BMX is 99% attitude.
So here's the plan,
my name is Tyler Omaha,
born and raised in so-Cal.
Point me to a quarter pipe
and I'm gonna tail-whip
for days, bro.
- And I'm your roller-skating
sidekick, chip rockets.
- Welcome aboard, chip rockets.
- Thank you.
- And you're married
to the roller skates?
- A hundred percent.
- Roller skates it is.
- Right.
- Just 'cause you're only
gonna be in the car.
- A hundred percent, Jake.
- Chip rockets!
- Chip rockets.
- Sorry, dude, we don't need
any new riders.
- You know, I used to be pro,
but they said my antics
were too gnar.
- Kicked me off the circuit.
- For what?
- You know, peeing on the track,
having sex during races,
being hella gnar.
You get it, we all have
gyros on our bikes.
The point is I can cut
your delivery times in half.
- Seriously, in half?
- I think you're full of it.
I don't think
you could even beat Bodie,
and he's my worst guy.
- Your worst guy?
Come on, I could take
any of these posers.
- Fine, then race Derek.
- Nah, I don't wanna
trouble Derek.
Let's just stick with Bodie.
First thought, best thought,
right?
Let's do this.
- It should take 70 seconds
for you to fully Gauge
someone's character.
Here's what to look for.
Grammar, posture, scent, attire,
level of perspiration,
type of shirt collar.
- What's the best type
of shirt collar?
- English spread, obviously,
but let's hold the questions
until the end.
When people say, "good morning,"
they mean, "hello."
When people say, "how are you?"
They mean, "hello."
When people say, "what's up?"
They mean, "I am a person
not worth talking to."
There are two acceptable
sleep positions.
On back, toes up, arms crossed,
or on back, toes up,
arms at the side.
Do not trust
any child that chews
bubble gum-flavored
bubble gum.
Do not trust any adult
that chews gum at all.
Never vacation in Banff.
- Okay, you guys
know the course.
First one to get to Creston
and 10th rides for me.
Loser is out.
- Hey, Bodie, you seem
like a reasonable dude.
Just let me win
and I'll owe you big time.
- I really need this.
- I really need this, too.
I haven't eaten in three days,
and my bookie says
if I don't pay him back
he's gonna kill my dog.
- Mm-Kay that's very intense.
- Please let me win.
Since my mom died,
that dog is my only family.
- I am so sorry.
- I shouldn't have engaged.
- It got way too real.
- I'm gonna lose everything!
- Yep, putting on my helmet now.
- Ready, go!
- Whoa!
He's so fast.
Too fast.
I'm losing.
Whoa!
- Chip rockets!
Sorry about your dog, Bodie.
Oh, man, why'd I say that?
Now I feel terrible.
I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win.
Wait, ramp, ramp, ramp, ramp!
Ahhh!
No!
Oh, I see what I did wrong.
I did the jump bad.
- You okay, Jake?
- Well, aside from the fact
that the nine-nine's hearing
is in four hours and we're
definitely getting shut down,
no, I bruised my thigh.
- It's gonna be just fine, Jake.
- No, it isn't, Charles.
It's on my right hip.
I sleep on that side.
It was stupid of me to think
I could make this
the best case ever.
Let's just go back
to the precinct
so you can make me hot cocoa.
- I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,
but no, I will not
make you hot cocoa.
- Charles!
- I have a bruise!
- I won't do it,
not when there's still a chance
- we can save the nine-nine.
- What are you talking about?
When I took down
that guy Bodie...
- Chip rockets!
I planted a bug
with a GPS tracker on it.
- Chip rockets,
you beautiful bastard.
- Chip actually is a bastard.
Never knew either
of his parents.
Raised by the rink.
- Ooh, badass backstory.
- Stole it from a TV movie.
It was about ice dancing,
but I adapted it
for the hardwood.
- That makes it way worse,
but I'm gonna move past it.
Let's track down Bodie
and save the precinct.
- Okay, we're making progress
on your phone.
We went to the bar
where it was taken...
Wait, why are you in handcuffs?
- Because I've been arrested.
- What?
- By who?
- Hitchcock, baby.
I busted his butt for filing
a false police report.
- He broke his phone, but
insurance wouldn't reimburse him
unless he reported it as stolen.
- Are you serious?
How the hell did you
solve this, Hitchcock?
- Good old-fashioned
detective work.
- Yeah, they have no idea.
They think the phone
was actually stolen.
- You're under arrest, jerk-o.
- Don't even think about it.
- He thought the bathroom was
empty because we use the toilet
with our feet up
on the stall door.
- Explain any further
and I will kneecap you both.
- You can't boss me around.
I'm the greatest detective
in the history of here.
Mr. nine-nine, out.
- Okay,
according to the tracker,
Bodie's at a warehouse
on 11th street.
ESU is on site
and waiting for our go.
- Great, time to gear up.
It's not the best case ever
without some toys.
- Oh, yeah.
- Toys for boys.
- I don't know if I like that.
- Adult toys.
- Still sounds wrong.
- Male toys.
- You know what?
Let's just not call them toys.
That's my fault, I started it.
- You got it, we'll just
call them playthings.
- We will not.
- Let's do this.
Sniper binoculars.
Here, Charles, tell me
how far away I am.
- Too close to measure.
- They really work.
That's everything.
Let's do this.
- This is way too much stuff.
- Yeah.
And it's too heavy to carry
all the way back.
Terry.
- Five minutes left.
- What have I missed?
- Professional handshake.
- We did that.
Fingers with
a half-centimeter spread,
up, down, then separate.
- Good.
- Acceptable fabrics?
- Cotton or cotton blend.
Wool is for outerwear only,
and silk is for sex workers
or musicians.
- Right.
- Good desserts?
- There are none.
If you are hungry,
you should have had more dinner.
- That's it!
- We're done.
You've been mentored.
- Oh, my god!
- We did it!
I can't believe we did it!
Oh, no, we did it.
It's over.
- Yes, I agree.
Up, down, separation.
- Separation.
- Oh, girl, you look so sad.
You know what would
cheer you up?
A nice bowl of miso soup.
- No thanks, Gina.
- I'm not in the mood.
- So, Gina, is that soup
up for grabs?
- Scully, no.
My followers are sick
of watching you eat cement.
- There they are.
We are .1524 kilometers away.
I have no idea what that means,
but it's still pretty cool.
Charles, can you hear
what they're saying?
- Uh, no.
- Really?
It looks like they're talking.
- They're not.
- They're definitely not talking.
- I can see their lips moving.
Wait a minute, why won't
you tell me what they're saying?
- They're making fun
of Tyler Omaha.
- Oh, what?
- I thought I was pretty good.
- Me too!
And you definitely don't look
anything like Rachel Maddow.
- Oh, come on!
- Hold on.
- Something's happening.
That's a huge bag.
If that's full of heroin, we
could really save the precinct.
- Oh, I can just hear Holt now.
"I'm proud of you, Peralta.
You are my hero."
The guy is obsessed with me.
- All right, we gotta
make the bust now.
We only have 30 minutes left
till the hearing.
- No, no, no, no,
wait, stand down.
It's not heroin in the bags.
It's money.
- Yeah, that's millions
in drug money.
We can still arrest them
for that.
- Let's do it.
- No.
If they have
that much money on them,
it means they're probably gonna
meet up with their supplier.
Can you hear
what they're saying?
- Yeah, I'm trying
to make it out.
Sounds like...
Oh, you're right.
They're getting a shipment
at 8:30.
- Whoa, Dom's one of the biggest
dealers in New York.
Whoever their supplier is
is gonna be huge.
- We gotta wait.
- But that's two hours from now.
We'll miss the hearing.
Let's just arrest Dom.
- We'd be getting
a major player off the streets.
I mean, isn't that the job?
- So what are you saying?
- I'm saying the nine-nine's
gonna get shut down.
- Damn it!
- I know, it sucks,
but it's the right thing to do.
- No, not that, they're making
fun of chip rockets now.
- These drug dealers
are so mean.
- Right!
But it's a big bust,
and at least we're going out
in a Blaze of glory.
- Yeah. It feels more like
a Blaze of crap.
- Ah, you're gonna be fine.
- You're gonna get a new partner.
His name's gonna be
Heath or Ryan.
He's gonna know everything
about "die hard,"
and he's gonna be super cool.
Jean jacket cool.
- Yeah, yeah,
you could be right.
And hey, you'll get
a cool, new partner too, right?
- Eh.
- He'll love fine dining
and musical theater
and hearing about every
explicit detail of your sex life
over and over and over.
- Just like you.
- Yeah, yeah, just like me.
- Yes, you're right.
- It's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be totally fine
without you.
I'm gonna check the distance
on the warehouse there.
- Copy.
- Yep, the building
hasn't moved.
It's still .1524 kilometers...
Away.
- Wait, are you just
holding up the binoculars
so I can't see you cry?
- No!
- Yeah, I didn't think so.
Come to think of it,
I'm gonna double-check
our building distance as well.
Mm-hmm.
- I see you filming, Linetti.
- What's in the yogurt?
- Normal stuff.
Nothing you'd use
to make a sidewalk with.
- Attention squad, I just got
word from Peralta and Boyle.
- Did they make their bust?
- They save the precinct?
- No, they decided to try
to bring in a bigger fish.
They're not gonna
make the hearing.
- So Jake's doing
the right thing
instead of the selfish thing?
You did this to him.
- Look, I know we all want
this precinct to survive,
but I'm proud of them.
Loyalty to your friends and
fellow officers is important,
but more important is our
loyalty to this city
and its citizens.
So I guess what
I'm trying to say is
let's go get drunk.
See anything?
Nope. You?
- No, I just love these
binoculars so much.
I don't wanna put them down,
you know?
- Oh, man,
when this case is over,
I'm gonna miss these binoculars.
- Me too.
- It's almost 8;30.
We're gonna get into position.
- Okay, thanks, Marv.
- Are you guys crying?
- I said thanks, Marv!
- That means move on.
- I'm sorry that our last case
wasn't our best case ever.
- No, don't say that.
Every case with you
is the best case ever.
- Oh.
- Now come on, we still have
a drug dealer to bust, right?
You know what that means.
- Bullet tornado!
- Man sprinkler!
Bullet tornado,
that's what I said both times.
Okay, Marv, go, go, go, go, go!
- NYPD! Down!
- Everybody, down!
- Hey.
Congratulations
on getting the record.
- What are you talking about?
I came up short.
Hitchcock beat me.
What are all these?
- B&e I worked last year.
You noticed a clue I missed.
Arson I solved last summer.
You gave me advice on how to
break the guy in interrogation.
Blackmail from '09.
You said the nanny did it,
and guess what,
the nanny did it.
- I don't understand.
- You didn't just work
your own cases.
You helped me and Jake
and Charles and Amy.
There are hundreds of cases
that wouldn't have been solved
without you.
You add all that up,
that's a record nobody's
ever gonna touch.
Congratulations,
Mr. nine-nine.
- Thanks, Diaz.
- Hey, guys, sorry we couldn't,
you know, save the precinct.
- Nothing to be sorry about.
Your moral compass
is on fire right now.
- Okay, forget I said anything.
- This is better.
- At least we had
an awesome bust.
- Yeah, we went back-to-back.
Oh, man, we must look so cool.
- You finally did
the man sprinkler.
- What?
- I never called it that.
- Attention, squad.
I just got off the phone
with one police Plaza.
The hearing is over,
and here's where we stand
vis-а-vis the precinct
being shut down.
The precinct
will not be shut down.
- Oh!
- Yeah!
- They decided to shut down
the seven-four instead.
- Wait, I don't understand.
- Apparently the community
came to our aid.
There was a swell
of online support
orchestrated by an organization
called "Gina-zone."
- I think you mean Ginazon.
I was behind the bar
the whole time.
Another great
Gina Linetti entrance.
- I told you,
you can't be back here.
- And I told you, I already am.
- What did you do?
- I was live-streaming a prank
when captain Holt
made his big speech
about how you did
the right thing for the city.
I guess people were moved.
They were like,
"what can we do to help?"
And I said, "call
the commissioner's office."
- The g-hive is real.
I can't believe you did it.
Gina, you're a legend.
To the nine-nine!
Nine-nine!
Y'all just drank cement!
- Santiago,
the precinct's been saved.
Why are you so glum?
- Because our mentorship
is over.
I blew it all in one day.
- Yes, volume one
of our mentorship.
- There's more volumes?
- Of course.
You think I could fit it all
in one binder?
- Okay, good.
- You don't seem very excited.
- Oh, I was just adhering
to section 7, page 145.
"No emotional displays
in the workplace."
- Excellent.
- I taught you well.
- Now if you'll excuse me,
I have some work to do
on the roof.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
Here's where we stand
vis-а-vis whether or not
the precinct will be shut down.
The precinct will be shut down.
- What?
- No!
- But I thought the official
hearing wasn't until tonight.
Amy's friend at HQ
heard that maybe
the seven-four was getting
shut down instead.
- There's no way that's true.
- Amy doesn't have a friend.
- I do so!
Although, I only see her
at work events,
and we only talk through email.
Oh, god, she's just a colleague.
- Santiago's work acquaintance
is correct.
Tonight at 7:00
the committee is choosing
between us and the seven-four,
although the seven-four
has a significant advantage.
They house
an elite gang task force.
- Well, this is on you, sir.
I begged you for a task force,
but no, you wouldn't give me
funding for
strike-team thunder-kill Alpha,
colon, hard target.
- You never told me
what it was for.
- It's a strike team that...
Kills thunder and puts its
colon on hard targets.
- They're gonna split us up
and send us all
to different precincts.
This is the last time
I'm gonna stand up here
and look at you guys.
Hitchcock, close your damn legs!
- No!
- This isn't over yet.
Sure, maybe we don't have
strike-team thunder-kill Alpha,
colon, hard target,
but we're the nine-nine.
We have Rosa and Charles,
Gina, Amy and Terry, and Carl!
- It's mark.
- Sorry.
I was just trying
to include someone
from outside the inner circle.
- There's an inner circle?
- The point is
we're not rolling over.
We're gonna solve a huge case
before the hearing tonight,
and then the NYPD cannot
shut us down.
So come on, captain,
give me something big and juicy.
What do you got?
- A ten-year-old
had his bike stolen.
- We are S'd in the B.
- Hi-do-ho there,
Charlie old boy.
Come have a seat.
- Beanbags?
- But these are happy seats.
Why are you happy?
Oh, my god, you figured out
how to save the precinct.
You got a juicy case.
You juiced this mama.
- Nope, same unjuicy case.
New juicer attitude.
The way I see it,
if this is to be our last ride
then let us go out
in a Blaze of glory.
- Ooh.
- Charles, think about
anything you ever
wanted to do on a case.
We're doing it today.
- Oh, hence the beanbags.
- Hence is right, and also hence
we're gonna drive around
in the coolest undercover car
in the impound lot.
- Herbie from
"Herbie fully loaded."
- What? No.
You really think "Herbie fully
loaded" was on the impound lot?
- Without a doubt.
- Well, anyway, it's a mustang.
It's got a stripe
down the middle.
- Like Herbie.
- Okay.
- One question, can we wear
matching leather jackets?
- Oh, man, I don't know
if we're gonna have time
to pull something
like that together!
What?
- Blaze of glory!
- Blaze of glory.
- You're not giving us
any new cases?
There's nothing to work on.
Damn it!
So this is how it ends.
- Well, every ending is
a new beginning.
Another great
Gina Linetti entrance.
You better savor these
while you still can, sarge.
- Gina, I am not in the mood.
How are you so unaffected
by all this?
- Because I have
already moved on.
I'm devoting my energy
to my new project, Ginazon.
It's a one-stop online portal
for my legions of followers.
Speaking of whom,
what's up g-hive?
It's queen gee.
I'm bored at work,
so I'm gonna prank
all my coworkers.
- That sounds like a bad idea
for an already crappy day.
- Fine, sarge.
- I won't do it.
I will do it,
so you can count this
as my first prank I guess,
unofficially.
- Hey, Diaz, HQ isn't giving us
any new cases
because we might shut down.
You have anything?
- No, sorry, I got nothing.
- Oh, man!
I am one arrest away from
the all-time precinct record.
Two more solves woulda
put me over the top.
- So? Nothing wrong
with second place.
- Name one silver medalist.
- Michelle Kwan.
- She fell, Rosa.
She fell so much!
- Oh, yeah.
- Besides, it's not about
me wanting the record.
It's about who currently has it.
Hitchcock.
Hitchcock?
- How is that possible?
- He's been here 20 years
longer than me,
and New York City in the '80s
was basically "the purge."
- I always knew I was
the best cop in the nine-nine,
and now there's proof.
Oh, man!
My Pasghetti!
- We're getting you that record.
- Hey, can I talk
to the captain?
- Ugh, he's on the phone.
Do you want a coffee
while you wait?
They made me an extra one
on accident.
- Oh, sure.
Thank you.
Oh, my god!
What is that?
- Cement!
- You just drank cement!
Guys, check back in
to see if she dies.
Ugh!
You're not really gonna die
probably, okay?
Just a little honey
for the g-hive.
Also you can talk to Holt.
He is not on the phone.
- What is happening?
- It's a little something I call
two pranks for the price of one!
- Santiago, I'm on the phone.
Triple prank!
- I'm so sorry, sir.
- I can come back later.
- No, it's too late.
- The call is ruined.
Good-bye, dear.
What do you want?
- Well, since there's
a good chance
that things are coming
to an end,
I just wanted to say thank you
for everything
that you've taught me.
I know you may not see yourself
as my mentor, but...
- Of course I do. I've been
mentoring you all this time.
- What?
- This is day 1,282
of a nine-year mentorship
I had mapped out for you.
Under ordinary circumstances
I wouldn't reveal this to you
until day 3,300.
- It was real.
There was a binder.
- Not anymore.
- No!
You can still mentor me
if we don't work together.
We could meet for breakfast
every day.
You could teach me over eggs.
- Eggs for breakfast?
You're further behind
than I thought.
- Ah!
- No, look, okay.
There are ten hours left, sir.
If you talk fast enough,
you can teach me everything.
- Interesting.
- Okay.
You'll have to take notes.
Do you think you can keep up?
- Let's just say I was president
of the stenographer's club
in high school for a reason.
- Was the reason because
you were the only member?
- Yes.
- This is so cool!
I feel like we're
in a Cologne ad.
- Oh, yeah, check this out.
- Whoop!
- Yeah!
Cleaning your teeth in public
like you just don't give a what.
- No, it's like a cool toothpick
like Stallone in "cobra."
- Eh, lateral move.
Hey, I know this is just
a stolen bike case,
but you know what we should do?
Stand back-to-back
with our guns drawn
while we're surrounded
by bad guys.
- You know what I call that.
- The man sprinkler.
- Bullet tornado.
- Yep, bullet tornado.
- What was yours?
- I didn't hear it.
- Same as you.
- Bullet tornado.
The important thing is we don't
have to talk about it anymore
'cause we both said
the same excellent name.
- Ah.
- Wait a minute, Boyle.
Is this our bike?
- Green grips, orange pegs.
I think it is.
NYPD!
Hands on your head!
- Hood slide.
Congratulations, punk.
Charles, tell him what he won.
You're supposed to tell him
he's won an all-expenses-paid,
luxury trip to hell.
We rehearsed this.
- I'm sorry, I know.
- It just hit me that it's over.
I wanted the case
to last longer.
- Come on,
it's not necessarily over.
I mean, this guy could still
make a break for it
or take me hostage or...
Have a huge bag of heroin.
- Oh, my god, it's not over yet.
This just became
a giant drug case.
- We can save the nine-nine.
- We can save the nine-nine!
- This man is our savior.
- And he looks like Jesus.
- Yeah, he looks like
a hunky Jesus.
- Yeah!
- Thanks for the heroin,
hunky Jesus.
- How'd the interrogation go?
- Awesome.
I got to do something
that I always wanted to do.
You make me sick.
Hee-ya!
He was actually really helpful.
I feel bad.
Anyways, turns out he works
for a dealer named Dom,
who supplies half
the heroin in the city.
If we take him down,
there's no way they close
the nine-nine.
- But the hearing's
in six hours.
How do we get the Dom?
- Apparently he uses
BMX riders to move his product,
and as it turns out
when I was a kid
I was a vert fiend.
- That's great news.
- Please explain that.
- That means I rode BMX.
- Ah.
- So we get our perp
to text this Dom guy,
tell him to hire me
to move his product.
Then I show up,
grind a bunch of gnarly rails.
I'm talking real fluffy ones.
- Radical. I bet you're
an awesome fluffer.
- No.
- I bet you fluffed
those other riders right out
of their biker shorts.
- Charles...
- I can picture you
as a teenager fluffing
all of New York City.
- Charles, stop talking.
Fluffing has
a different meaning.
So I get the job,
we take down Dom,
precinct's saved,
then I do an ice pick 360
on the podium
at the press conference.
- Awesome.
- One question.
Do you still know how to ride?
- Come on, riding a bike,
it's like riding a bike.
Wheelie.
No.
Wheelie.
No.
Boyle, it's 'cause
you're watching.
- Okay.
One more try.
One more try.
One more try.
One more try.
One more try.
- Did you do it?
- Hey, sarge, check it out.
Hitchcock got a tattoo.
- Mr. nine-nine.
- Why are you putting
a gun in your mouth?
- I'm blowing smoke
off the barrel.
It's cool.
- The barrel is fully
inside your mouth.
You're clearly about
to kill yourself.
- You're just jealous 'cause
he's got the arrest record
and you don't.
- Yeah, suck on this.
- Click, pow!
- You pulled the trigger, man!
- That was a suicide!
- Sarge, I got a case for you.
Guy had his phone stolen
at a bar last night.
- All right!
- It's not that big a deal.
I just need to file
a police report
for my insurance company.
- No, it is a major injustice,
and we're gonna set it right.
- It was a crappy old phone.
- I'd rather just get a new one.
- We're the police
and we're here to help you.
So shut your damn mouth.
Now tell us what he looked like.
- I only saw his back.
Uh, he had a blue hoodie on.
- Whoo!
- We got a lead!
- Dom just texted.
The meet-up spot
is ten minutes away.
- This is so awesome.
When I was a kid, I said I
wanted to be a BMX detective,
and they laughed at me.
Well, who's laughing now,
Kenny Yarborough?
Kenny actually opened up
a chain of salad places.
He's doing quite well
for himself.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Hey, what if they can tell
you're amazing
but a little rusty
and therefore kinda bad?
- Not to worry,
BMX is 99% attitude.
So here's the plan,
my name is Tyler Omaha,
born and raised in so-Cal.
Point me to a quarter pipe
and I'm gonna tail-whip
for days, bro.
- And I'm your roller-skating
sidekick, chip rockets.
- Welcome aboard, chip rockets.
- Thank you.
- And you're married
to the roller skates?
- A hundred percent.
- Roller skates it is.
- Right.
- Just 'cause you're only
gonna be in the car.
- A hundred percent, Jake.
- Chip rockets!
- Chip rockets.
- Sorry, dude, we don't need
any new riders.
- You know, I used to be pro,
but they said my antics
were too gnar.
- Kicked me off the circuit.
- For what?
- You know, peeing on the track,
having sex during races,
being hella gnar.
You get it, we all have
gyros on our bikes.
The point is I can cut
your delivery times in half.
- Seriously, in half?
- I think you're full of it.
I don't think
you could even beat Bodie,
and he's my worst guy.
- Your worst guy?
Come on, I could take
any of these posers.
- Fine, then race Derek.
- Nah, I don't wanna
trouble Derek.
Let's just stick with Bodie.
First thought, best thought,
right?
Let's do this.
- It should take 70 seconds
for you to fully Gauge
someone's character.
Here's what to look for.
Grammar, posture, scent, attire,
level of perspiration,
type of shirt collar.
- What's the best type
of shirt collar?
- English spread, obviously,
but let's hold the questions
until the end.
When people say, "good morning,"
they mean, "hello."
When people say, "how are you?"
They mean, "hello."
When people say, "what's up?"
They mean, "I am a person
not worth talking to."
There are two acceptable
sleep positions.
On back, toes up, arms crossed,
or on back, toes up,
arms at the side.
Do not trust
any child that chews
bubble gum-flavored
bubble gum.
Do not trust any adult
that chews gum at all.
Never vacation in Banff.
- Okay, you guys
know the course.
First one to get to Creston
and 10th rides for me.
Loser is out.
- Hey, Bodie, you seem
like a reasonable dude.
Just let me win
and I'll owe you big time.
- I really need this.
- I really need this, too.
I haven't eaten in three days,
and my bookie says
if I don't pay him back
he's gonna kill my dog.
- Mm-Kay that's very intense.
- Please let me win.
Since my mom died,
that dog is my only family.
- I am so sorry.
- I shouldn't have engaged.
- It got way too real.
- I'm gonna lose everything!
- Yep, putting on my helmet now.
- Ready, go!
- Whoa!
He's so fast.
Too fast.
I'm losing.
Whoa!
- Chip rockets!
Sorry about your dog, Bodie.
Oh, man, why'd I say that?
Now I feel terrible.
I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win.
Wait, ramp, ramp, ramp, ramp!
Ahhh!
No!
Oh, I see what I did wrong.
I did the jump bad.
- You okay, Jake?
- Well, aside from the fact
that the nine-nine's hearing
is in four hours and we're
definitely getting shut down,
no, I bruised my thigh.
- It's gonna be just fine, Jake.
- No, it isn't, Charles.
It's on my right hip.
I sleep on that side.
It was stupid of me to think
I could make this
the best case ever.
Let's just go back
to the precinct
so you can make me hot cocoa.
- I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,
but no, I will not
make you hot cocoa.
- Charles!
- I have a bruise!
- I won't do it,
not when there's still a chance
- we can save the nine-nine.
- What are you talking about?
When I took down
that guy Bodie...
- Chip rockets!
I planted a bug
with a GPS tracker on it.
- Chip rockets,
you beautiful bastard.
- Chip actually is a bastard.
Never knew either
of his parents.
Raised by the rink.
- Ooh, badass backstory.
- Stole it from a TV movie.
It was about ice dancing,
but I adapted it
for the hardwood.
- That makes it way worse,
but I'm gonna move past it.
Let's track down Bodie
and save the precinct.
- Okay, we're making progress
on your phone.
We went to the bar
where it was taken...
Wait, why are you in handcuffs?
- Because I've been arrested.
- What?
- By who?
- Hitchcock, baby.
I busted his butt for filing
a false police report.
- He broke his phone, but
insurance wouldn't reimburse him
unless he reported it as stolen.
- Are you serious?
How the hell did you
solve this, Hitchcock?
- Good old-fashioned
detective work.
- Yeah, they have no idea.
They think the phone
was actually stolen.
- You're under arrest, jerk-o.
- Don't even think about it.
- He thought the bathroom was
empty because we use the toilet
with our feet up
on the stall door.
- Explain any further
and I will kneecap you both.
- You can't boss me around.
I'm the greatest detective
in the history of here.
Mr. nine-nine, out.
- Okay,
according to the tracker,
Bodie's at a warehouse
on 11th street.
ESU is on site
and waiting for our go.
- Great, time to gear up.
It's not the best case ever
without some toys.
- Oh, yeah.
- Toys for boys.
- I don't know if I like that.
- Adult toys.
- Still sounds wrong.
- Male toys.
- You know what?
Let's just not call them toys.
That's my fault, I started it.
- You got it, we'll just
call them playthings.
- We will not.
- Let's do this.
Sniper binoculars.
Here, Charles, tell me
how far away I am.
- Too close to measure.
- They really work.
That's everything.
Let's do this.
- This is way too much stuff.
- Yeah.
And it's too heavy to carry
all the way back.
Terry.
- Five minutes left.
- What have I missed?
- Professional handshake.
- We did that.
Fingers with
a half-centimeter spread,
up, down, then separate.
- Good.
- Acceptable fabrics?
- Cotton or cotton blend.
Wool is for outerwear only,
and silk is for sex workers
or musicians.
- Right.
- Good desserts?
- There are none.
If you are hungry,
you should have had more dinner.
- That's it!
- We're done.
You've been mentored.
- Oh, my god!
- We did it!
I can't believe we did it!
Oh, no, we did it.
It's over.
- Yes, I agree.
Up, down, separation.
- Separation.
- Oh, girl, you look so sad.
You know what would
cheer you up?
A nice bowl of miso soup.
- No thanks, Gina.
- I'm not in the mood.
- So, Gina, is that soup
up for grabs?
- Scully, no.
My followers are sick
of watching you eat cement.
- There they are.
We are .1524 kilometers away.
I have no idea what that means,
but it's still pretty cool.
Charles, can you hear
what they're saying?
- Uh, no.
- Really?
It looks like they're talking.
- They're not.
- They're definitely not talking.
- I can see their lips moving.
Wait a minute, why won't
you tell me what they're saying?
- They're making fun
of Tyler Omaha.
- Oh, what?
- I thought I was pretty good.
- Me too!
And you definitely don't look
anything like Rachel Maddow.
- Oh, come on!
- Hold on.
- Something's happening.
That's a huge bag.
If that's full of heroin, we
could really save the precinct.
- Oh, I can just hear Holt now.
"I'm proud of you, Peralta.
You are my hero."
The guy is obsessed with me.
- All right, we gotta
make the bust now.
We only have 30 minutes left
till the hearing.
- No, no, no, no,
wait, stand down.
It's not heroin in the bags.
It's money.
- Yeah, that's millions
in drug money.
We can still arrest them
for that.
- Let's do it.
- No.
If they have
that much money on them,
it means they're probably gonna
meet up with their supplier.
Can you hear
what they're saying?
- Yeah, I'm trying
to make it out.
Sounds like...
Oh, you're right.
They're getting a shipment
at 8:30.
- Whoa, Dom's one of the biggest
dealers in New York.
Whoever their supplier is
is gonna be huge.
- We gotta wait.
- But that's two hours from now.
We'll miss the hearing.
Let's just arrest Dom.
- We'd be getting
a major player off the streets.
I mean, isn't that the job?
- So what are you saying?
- I'm saying the nine-nine's
gonna get shut down.
- Damn it!
- I know, it sucks,
but it's the right thing to do.
- No, not that, they're making
fun of chip rockets now.
- These drug dealers
are so mean.
- Right!
But it's a big bust,
and at least we're going out
in a Blaze of glory.
- Yeah. It feels more like
a Blaze of crap.
- Ah, you're gonna be fine.
- You're gonna get a new partner.
His name's gonna be
Heath or Ryan.
He's gonna know everything
about "die hard,"
and he's gonna be super cool.
Jean jacket cool.
- Yeah, yeah,
you could be right.
And hey, you'll get
a cool, new partner too, right?
- Eh.
- He'll love fine dining
and musical theater
and hearing about every
explicit detail of your sex life
over and over and over.
- Just like you.
- Yeah, yeah, just like me.
- Yes, you're right.
- It's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be totally fine
without you.
I'm gonna check the distance
on the warehouse there.
- Copy.
- Yep, the building
hasn't moved.
It's still .1524 kilometers...
Away.
- Wait, are you just
holding up the binoculars
so I can't see you cry?
- No!
- Yeah, I didn't think so.
Come to think of it,
I'm gonna double-check
our building distance as well.
Mm-hmm.
- I see you filming, Linetti.
- What's in the yogurt?
- Normal stuff.
Nothing you'd use
to make a sidewalk with.
- Attention squad, I just got
word from Peralta and Boyle.
- Did they make their bust?
- They save the precinct?
- No, they decided to try
to bring in a bigger fish.
They're not gonna
make the hearing.
- So Jake's doing
the right thing
instead of the selfish thing?
You did this to him.
- Look, I know we all want
this precinct to survive,
but I'm proud of them.
Loyalty to your friends and
fellow officers is important,
but more important is our
loyalty to this city
and its citizens.
So I guess what
I'm trying to say is
let's go get drunk.
See anything?
Nope. You?
- No, I just love these
binoculars so much.
I don't wanna put them down,
you know?
- Oh, man,
when this case is over,
I'm gonna miss these binoculars.
- Me too.
- It's almost 8;30.
We're gonna get into position.
- Okay, thanks, Marv.
- Are you guys crying?
- I said thanks, Marv!
- That means move on.
- I'm sorry that our last case
wasn't our best case ever.
- No, don't say that.
Every case with you
is the best case ever.
- Oh.
- Now come on, we still have
a drug dealer to bust, right?
You know what that means.
- Bullet tornado!
- Man sprinkler!
Bullet tornado,
that's what I said both times.
Okay, Marv, go, go, go, go, go!
- NYPD! Down!
- Everybody, down!
- Hey.
Congratulations
on getting the record.
- What are you talking about?
I came up short.
Hitchcock beat me.
What are all these?
- B&e I worked last year.
You noticed a clue I missed.
Arson I solved last summer.
You gave me advice on how to
break the guy in interrogation.
Blackmail from '09.
You said the nanny did it,
and guess what,
the nanny did it.
- I don't understand.
- You didn't just work
your own cases.
You helped me and Jake
and Charles and Amy.
There are hundreds of cases
that wouldn't have been solved
without you.
You add all that up,
that's a record nobody's
ever gonna touch.
Congratulations,
Mr. nine-nine.
- Thanks, Diaz.
- Hey, guys, sorry we couldn't,
you know, save the precinct.
- Nothing to be sorry about.
Your moral compass
is on fire right now.
- Okay, forget I said anything.
- This is better.
- At least we had
an awesome bust.
- Yeah, we went back-to-back.
Oh, man, we must look so cool.
- You finally did
the man sprinkler.
- What?
- I never called it that.
- Attention, squad.
I just got off the phone
with one police Plaza.
The hearing is over,
and here's where we stand
vis-а-vis the precinct
being shut down.
The precinct
will not be shut down.
- Oh!
- Yeah!
- They decided to shut down
the seven-four instead.
- Wait, I don't understand.
- Apparently the community
came to our aid.
There was a swell
of online support
orchestrated by an organization
called "Gina-zone."
- I think you mean Ginazon.
I was behind the bar
the whole time.
Another great
Gina Linetti entrance.
- I told you,
you can't be back here.
- And I told you, I already am.
- What did you do?
- I was live-streaming a prank
when captain Holt
made his big speech
about how you did
the right thing for the city.
I guess people were moved.
They were like,
"what can we do to help?"
And I said, "call
the commissioner's office."
- The g-hive is real.
I can't believe you did it.
Gina, you're a legend.
To the nine-nine!
Nine-nine!
Y'all just drank cement!
- Santiago,
the precinct's been saved.
Why are you so glum?
- Because our mentorship
is over.
I blew it all in one day.
- Yes, volume one
of our mentorship.
- There's more volumes?
- Of course.
You think I could fit it all
in one binder?
- Okay, good.
- You don't seem very excited.
- Oh, I was just adhering
to section 7, page 145.
"No emotional displays
in the workplace."
- Excellent.
- I taught you well.
- Now if you'll excuse me,
I have some work to do
on the roof.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.