Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - The Fugitive, Part 2 - full transcript

Hello?

I followed all your rules.

I'm unarmed.
I'm not wearing a wire.

I came alone.
There's no backup.

Come on, man. I need your
help to take down your brother.

Doug Judy.
The Pontiac Bandit.

Hey, baby. Nice legs.

Why are you
in your boxers?

So you would know
I'm not wearing a wire.

Your buddy Scott
said I had to.

Ah, that makes sense.
Scott's a perv.



Hey, Scott,
wherever you're watching from, go home.

SCOTT: Sorry, man.

So, what's so important?

I'm looking for your foster brother,
George. Hate the guy.

Stole from my mom,
burned her house down.

Worst of all,
he ran off with my LP of Phil Collins'

No Jacket Required.

That's my favorite album. I
haven't heard it in 20 years.

I mean, can't you
just stream it?

I can't do that to Phil.
Sussudio demands vinyl.

Right. Vinyl and whatnot.

Okay, well, George
is a murderer now,

and he just escaped
from prison.

We think he might be trying
to flee the country.



You want me to
help you catch him?

Like when X-Men teamed up
with Magneto to stop Apocalypse.

I heard that one was bad.
It wasn't great.

I still want to see it,
though. I'd watch it again.

So, does that mean
you're in? Of course I am.

Damn, it feels good to be
on the same team for once.

Cop and criminal
working together.

(GASPS)

We need a theme song.
Oh.

(SINGING) The Pontiac
Bandit and Jake are cops Oh.

Taking down crooks
In the streets where they live

Flirting with girls
Who are hot for their badge

There's a talking police dog
That helps them solve crimes

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

You gave him full immunity?

Are you insane?

You told me
to cut a deal.

I thought you'd maybe drop
charges on one or two felonies.

But do you know how
many crimes we're forgiving?

Six...
That's not so bad.

...hundred.
Oh, that's way more.

"Grand theft auto, grand theft auto,
grand theft auto, dog fraud."

I sold a guy a fake
Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.

You will not win me over
with your use of "'Twas."

'Twasn't trying to.
(SNORTS)

You're clearly
friends with this man,

and you've lost your
objectivity, Peralta.

Or have you lost
your objectivity?

What are you doing? My
bad. I thought we were leaving.

No, I'm just making a
point here. Sit down. Okay.

Look, sir, there's a triple
murderer loose in Brooklyn.

And it's our job
to bring him in.

Even if that means forgiving
a guy who stole some cars

and, yes, sold
a few cats as dogs.

More than a few.

Weird how many
people fell for that.

Plus, his deal
is conditional.

If Judy doesn't lead us to his brother,
he doesn't get immunity.

Look, I want to see George
behind bars as much as you do.

I hate my brother.

PERALTA: You can relate
to that, right, sir?

Remember how furious you got

that time your
sister ended an e-mail

with "Thx"
instead of "Thanks"?

Why would you bring that up?
It seemed pertinent.

Fine, let's see where
this leads. Dismissed.

So we don't know if anyone helped
George Judy escape from this hospital.

Security cameras show him
entering this courtyard,

but never coming back out.

Dude just vanished.

Ugh. Terry hates hospitals.

They reek of death.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, not you, ma'am.
You reek of life.

Maybe he went up the wall,
like this...

(GRUNTS)

Never mind.
It's not possible.

You sure?

Damn, Rosa!

How did you do that?
I have a dark past.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Now you know my
deepest shame. Cool.

Well, now that I saw you do it,
I get how to do it, too.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, damn, Terry.

Hey, guys, guess what?

To thank you for
being such good friends,

I picked up a big
old basket of muffins.

Follow me.
Come on.

I got all kinds of muffins,
blueberry muffins,

poppy-seed muffins,
banana-nut muffins, chocolate chip...

Ooh, wait,
there are no muffins.

What's happening now?

How's it feel
being lied to, huh?

I mean, I'm okay.

I wasn't really that invested
in the muffins. I was.

You guys thought you can
keep a secret from me?

Well, I know everything.

Hitchcock left his phone
in the bathroom again,

and guess what
I found on it?

I needed the cash. I didn't
know they'd be filming!

Text chains.
Dozens of text chains.

And I'm not
on any of them!

Take a look at this board.

There's an Amy-Gina-Terry-
Hitchcock-Rosa-Jake chain.

(VOICE BREAKING) There's a
Hitchcock- Terry-Amy-Rosa chain.

There's even
a Hitchcock-Gina-Scully chain.

I mean, what the hell
happens on that?

Well, we mostly just exchange
Game of Thrones theories.

The little guy is going to
marry a dragon. We think.

Well, one thing's for sure,
Charles Boyle...

Is off the chains.

I'm sorry,
we only excluded you

because you're kind
of an over-texter.

"Over-texter"?
That's not even a thing.

Oh, really? So you
don't remember the time

you sent 97 unanswered texts
in a five-minute span.

My phone vibrated
itself off the desk.

I think it was
committing suicide!

It's okay. This isn't the
first time I've been left out.

At camp, nobody
would be friends with me.

I had to hang out
with the lunch ladies.

After summer ended,
they never replied to any of my letters.

PERALTA: Ka-boom!
What's this?

That is the art auction that
George Judy will be robbing tonight.

That's what George is after. A
bejeweled egg worth $20 million.

That's a nice egg. But how
do you know he'll be there?

Doug's boy Parker said he
kept asking about the place.

And what does
this Parker do?

You know, I don't know.
I can't quite recall.

Some sort of
auto-industry professional.

Maybe like a car thief or
some such whatnot. Oh, I see.

So, the only thing
we have to go on

is the word of one of
your criminal friends?

Criminals?
That's how you see us?

Is it a crime to steal bread
to feed your family?

Or to sell some weed
so you can buy video games?

Or to steal video games

because you smoked all that
weed you were supposed to sell?

Yes, all of those
are crimes.

Damn. Even the bread one?

Especially the bread one.

But since this is the only lead
you have, go do something with it.

Oh, we'll go do
something with it.

We'll go do something
with the hell out of it.

No, no, no.

He's not a cop. He can't
be wearing any of this.

It's just a windbreaker.

It's not like I gave
him a badge and a gun.

Oh, he has both
of those things.

It's not loaded.

I just want to cock it and
say a cool-cop catchphrase.

New York's finest just got a
whole lot finer. Give me that.

(GROANS EFFEMINATELY)
I'm putting myself on this case.

All right, Captain.

Looks like New York's finest
just got a whole lot...

Let's go!
All right.

Whoo!

Okay.

How do I look?

Like I'm about to buy
a bunch of expensive art?

Hell yeah. And not just paintings
either. You look statue-rich.

I didn't know
we'd have to valet.

Perhaps I shouldn't have
brought Gertie. Who's Gertie?

(CHUCKLES) That foxy little
she-devil we drove here in.

DOUG JUDY: "Gertie"? No, man.

A car's gotta have
a sexy name, like Brooke,

or Tiffany,
or Sandra, or Candice...

Yeah. Or Suzie,
or Dana, or Karen.

Oh, no, wait,
that's my mom's name.

Why did I say
my mom's name?

Ugh, the sight of another
man inside her makes me sick.

(ENGINE STARTS) Yeah. I
dislike this conversation very much.

Treat her gently!

You know that's not
a nice car, right?

Say that again.

Damn, Captain. Be cool.

Say that again!

That's what I thought.

I'll be in the venue.

Come on, Boyle.
What's this about?

Look, if you're leading me to
some sort of big surprise apology

where everyone's there,

and you all want me to join
your stupid text chains,

I am I 00% in.

These last 24 hours
have just been hell.

Oh, it's just
my former lover.

Hello, sister.

Ugh, I hate when you say those
things back-to-back. Here.

You took my phone?
Yeah.

I had to delete
your GIF keyboard,

and your three Property
Brothers emoji apps.

Wait,
did you delete them because... Yeah.

You're on the
office text chain.

Are you serious?
This is amazing.

Yeah, well, I was
totally against it,

but Amy felt bad because
you seemed so pathetic.

Don't say that.
It worked.

Hmm. Just don't
make us regret this.

Oh, I won't. I swear,
I won't. I gotta tell my dad.

I know you weren't
on board with this,

but look how happy we made him,
and at no cost to our... Oh!

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
And here it comes.

No. That was just one...
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Uh-oh.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

I bet he's just getting it
out of his system.

(CHIMING INCESSANTLY) Oh,
yeah. I'm sure he'll be brief.

Apparently,
the tsar of Russia

gave that bejeweled egg
to his girlfriend as a present.

I've never gotten a bejeweled
anything. Stupid Amy.

Well, I highly doubt our
murderer is going to show up here.

Doug Judy said he'd be here,
and I believe him.

Cap, I got some
hors d'oeuvres.

I don't know what
you like, so I guessed.

The radishes they put
on the side for decoration?

Mmm, thank you.

Cut into a flower?
Where are we, Las Vegas?

Guys, look over there by the
hallway. See the woman in red?

I think that's my
brother's girlfriend, Fran.

I don't want her
to recognize me.

Does she have a scar
on her left cheek?

PERALTA: Maybe. What's
the shape of the scar?

Just a general slash shape.

Ah, darn. I've been reading
a lot of Harry Potter lately,

and I was hoping for
something more fun.

Okay. I'll head towards her,

you go around back in
case she makes a break for it.

She's on the move.

Excuse me, ma'am? Oh.

No. Please stop.

Freeze. NYPD.

What's going on?
No scar.

It's not Fran.
Then why was she running?

Because a strange guy started
following me to the bathroom.

Right, because
men are horrible

and the world is
a nightmare. Yeah.

Oh, no, where's Doug Judy?

Where we left him. Why?

Scar-faced Fran is a ruse.

He wanted us out of there, so he
could help his brother steal the egg.

Check it out.
Shot glasses of soup.

Oh, you're wondering how
I got the whole tray?

(SING-SONG) Charmed it
right out of her hands.

(GRUNTS)

Is this where
you've been all day?

Yeah, just looking for clues.

You're pretty sweaty. Terry runs hot,
Terry runs hot.

Trying to see if you can do
that wall climb, aren't you?

Yeah, and I can't. (PANTING)

I'm old. Because you
can't parkour up a wall?

It's everything!

The TV's always too quiet,

I don't like how baggy
basketball shorts are,

I even shook my fist at some
skateboarders the other day.

Oof. And there's something worse. Way,
way worse.

Terry needs reading glasses.

It's not that bad, Sarge.
Yes, it is!

I used to be Batman.

Now I'm his dad.

His dumb, weak,
getting-shot-at-the-opera dad.

Okay, auction over.

I can't believe you thought
Doug Judy was tricking us

so he could steal the egg.

If anyone was stealing
any eggs, it was you,

'cause you have egg
all over your face.

Is that why you've been so
quiet these last four minutes,

you had to think of that?

Mmm-hmm. Was it
worth it? Hell yeah.

Ah! Venomous burn.

(HISSING) Suck out the poison.
(BOTH IMITATE SUCKING)

(BOTH SPITTING)

Wow.

He may not have been
pulling something back there,

but both of you were wrong
about George Judy.

He never showed.
We wasted a day.

And if anyone has egg on their faces,
it's you two.

Doug Egg and Egg Peralta.

That's actually kind of a
dope name. (SIREN BLARES)

What's going on out there?

Hey, Jake Peralta, NYPD.
What happened here?

Somebody knocked out the valet
and stole all the cars.

Every single one.
So George was here.

He wasn't after the egg,
he was after the cars.

Well, looks like Doug Judy
was right after all, huh, Captain?

Why aren't you
saying anything?

Is it because you're so
embarrassed for being wrong?

Gertie!

I don't get it.

Why would George Judy steal
all these cars, and not the egg?

Easier to sell if
you're in a hurry.

Plus, these are
some valuable vehicles.

Bugatti, Ferrari...
Gertie.

I don't think Gertie
was a prime target, sir.

Boom. Shelby Cobra 427 S/C.

That's a million dollars
on four wheels, baby.

That's what George is after.

How do we even
know George did it?

I mean, nobody saw him.

But there was a prolific car
thief at the scene of the crime.

You talking about me?

I'm a cop now.
No, you're not.

Then why do I have
a badge and a gun?

The thin blue line
just got thick as hell.

Give me that.
Come on, Judy.

It's not loaded. Look,
if I was going to jack a bunch of cars,

I wouldn't bring two of New
York's best detectives with me

to the scene of the crime.

Flattery won't work.
You think we're the best?

What?
This is nonsense.

You're off the case.

Whoa, whoa, sir, come on,
we're chasing a murderer.

A murderer that just
stole a ton of cars.

Who knows more about
that world than Doug Judy?

Plus, remember,
he doesn't get immunity

unless he helps us
bring his brother in.

I know, but...

Do you want to get
back Gertie or not?

Fine. He's still on the case.
(PERALTA AND DOUG JUDY EXCLAIM)

(SINGING) The Pontiac Bandit
and Jake are cops

With their wise-cracking
Captain along for the ride

They'll have adventures
wherever they go

The talking dog flies in outer
space (IMITATES BARKING)

Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, dog
(IMITATES BARKING)

BOTH: Fly, fly, fly, fly, dog

Okay, Charles, I want you
on this text chain, I really do.

But since you joined yesterday,
you have sent 71 texts.

The rest of the group,
collectively, has sent two.

You know, honestly,
I'd rather get hit by a bus

than get one more
text from you, Charles.

Fine. I've been kicked
out of things before.

At camp, I found a slam book that
the lunch ladies had written about me.

I'm sorry, Charles, but there is no
story sad enough to save you now.

Challenge accepted.

Once, as a tween,
I got my penis entirely...

Okay, stop! No, no, no.

Our plan was just to
teach you to text better.

You know,
a lot of people like the way I text.

Look, if you can't accept me for
who I am, then I don't need this chain.

Okay. Great. No, no,
I need to be included so badly.

I'll do whatever you say.
I literally have zero pride.

And that's what
I like to hear.

Ugh, Charles.

Okay, so, you guys are rich
Europeans looking to buy a Shelby.

I'll make the
introductions.

Wait, we can't just be Europeans.
What country are we from?

What languages do
you speak? French.

Spanish. Some Portuguese.
Obviously Greek.

Enough Flemish to get by. Tight.

What about you, Peralta?

Um, I can do a pretty
good Italian accent.

(IMITATING ROBERT DE NIRO)
You think you could milk me?

So you're just doing De Niro
from Meet the Parents?

I don't know. Am I?

(IMITATING DE NIRO)
This is De Niro.

I think it's pretty good.
No, mine's better.

It's pretty good.

(NORMAL) We'll just make
you American. (NORMAL) Okay.

Griff.

Hey, Doug Judy. Hey.

What can I do for you?

Hey, did my
brother stop by?

I heard he jacked some nice cars,
and I might have a buyer.

This is Maxime Dubois,

international millionaire.
Bonjour.

He doesn't speak
any English.

And this is his lawyer,
Carl Mangerson.

Hey, I'm a lawyer.

Maxime wants to buy a Shelby Cobra,
I hear George might have one.

Uh, he's dropped off a few cars, but
he didn't say anything about no Cobra.

I mostly deal with
scrap and crap, you know.

Son of a bitch.

Hey, Is everything all
right here, Maxime?

You're speaking
good English.

Uh, it's just a few phrases he picked
up from movies and such. (CHUCKLES)

He's disappointed.

He really wanted that Cobra. You
know the French, so passionate.

Even their skunks.
Pepé Le Pew.

It doesn't matter. I'm a
lawyer. No further comments.

Do you know where George is? Maybe
I could do business with him myself.

Gertie.
What?

Uh, that was French for...

(IMITATING DE NIRO) "Yeah.
I gotta make a phone call."

(NORMAL) He's gotta
make a phone call.

Frenchmans.

So, if George
went over that wall,

he would have been caught
on a security camera across...

What you eating there,
Sarge? Cream of wheat.

It's easy to chew and
it keeps you regular.

It's a favorite dish
of the elderly.

Stop freaking out about this.

Yeah, yeah. I know.
I'm young at heart.

No, you are super old at
heart. You always have been.

You love yogurt,
you volunteer at your polling place,

and you refuse to deposit
your checks at an ATM.

It's a machine.
I don't trust it.

I get what you're saying, but at least I
used to be a prime physical specimen.

Dude, you have,
like, 1% body fat.

Now I'm at 1.8. I'm fat.

I'm a fat, bald old man.

You shave your head.
Yeah, Rosa,

Vin Diesel and I
shave our heads

because we think
it looks good.

Okay. You obviously want to
sit here feeling sorry for yourself,

but we have work to do.

So, I don't know. Why don't I get
you a wheelchair and a box of diapers?

The wheelchair!

That's how he escaped! He
dressed up like an old lady!

That orderly is pushing him
out. He did have an accomplice!

I'm going to find
this bastard.

I don't need this anymore.

I should take
my jacket though.

I mean, it's January,
I ain't crazy.

(SIGHS)

Oh, Gertie.

Psst. George is here.
He's out back.

(WHISPERS)
Let's go! Right now.

NYPD! Don't move!

Crap! He's getting away!

PERALTA: No, no, no!

(GROANS)

All right. We can
run right through it.

These suits are
fire-resistant.

These suits are
not fire resistant.

They're not? Then why
are they so expensive?

Bye, Peralta!

No! Judy!

Both Judys!

Judys!

Oh, I can't believe this.

I really thought I could
trust Doug Judy this time.

I kept telling you not to.
But you wouldn't listen.

You were too busy
singing your songs

and planning trips
to Niagara Falls.

We just said neither of us had
ever been. There were no hard plans.

(SIGHS) Look,
it's humiliating.

Doug Judy thought he could
manipulate me, and he could.

I feel like I'm
a terrible cop.

Wow. I really thought you were going to
chime in with something supportive there.

We have to go.
(SCOFFS)

Captain?

Okay, Charles.
This is your final exam.

We're going to show you a text
and then two potential responses.

You need to tell us
which is more appropriate.

Amy writes,
"Leaving the virgin festival..." Gina.

"...Be there in 10 minutes."

Do you reply...

"I'll be counting
down the seconds.

"600, 599, 598, JK, LOL,

"597, 596, smiley face, smiley face,
cat smiley-face, thumbs up."

Or...

"Okay."
It's a trick question.

The text requires
no response.

Charles Boyle, welcome back
to the Nine-Nine text chain.

Yes! We should call it
the Nine-Nine Party Line.

I'll rename the thread.
Charles.

Sorry. I'll be better!
I'll be better.

HOLT: There's the car.

How'd you know
they'd be here?

Detective's intuition.

Okay, fine. We went to
Dave & Buster's together

and got separated so we
turned on Find My Friends.

(WHISPERS) The stairs
are in the back.

Looking for us?

Put your guns down,
turn around slowly.

What the hell, Judy?
I thought we were friends.

I don't know why
you thought that.

Because you kept
saying we were.

We had hard plans to
go to Niagara Falls.

So, bro,
you friends with this cop? No.

This thirsty-ass bitch is
just desperate for attention.

"Thirsty-ass bitch"?

Okay, Captain, now I know you're
going to step in and defend me.

Well, you were begging me
to compliment you earlier.

Oh, my God. This is the worst
day of my life. Where's Charles?

If you're not friends,
you won't mind if I waste him, right?

Of course he minds.

I mean, sure, we're enemies,
but in, like, a playful way.

Like Tom and Jerry.

Oh, my God, was Tom
trying to eat Jerry?

(GASPS)
My whole life is a lie.

Shoot him.
No, no, no!

Those can't be
my last words.

Uh... Ay caramba?
(GUN CLICKS)

What the hell?
(GRUNTS)

Whoops! Looks like somebody forgot
to put bullets in his brother's gun.

A-ha! I knew you
didn't betray me!

I said that accusatorily,
but I'm very happy.

(SINGING) Doug Judy and
Peralta and Captain on a case

Joke's on you
They was always friends

Now I'mma get my immunity

The ghost of the talking dog
haunts the precinct

The talking dog died.
Oh, man.

I know, that was
a bummer note to end on.

You got our orderly?

Turns out he really didn't
work at the hospital.

But he left his print behind in the
room where he stole the scrubs.

It didn't take long
to track him down.

Whoa! With that and the wheelchair, that's
some pretty nice police work, Sarge.

I know. (GROANS)

You know, my muscles might not
be as strong as when I was young,

but one's stronger,

my big, beefy brain.

Now, if you will excuse me,
I have to process...

David Willis.

Aw, you got a little
necklace for your glasses.

I had to. Almost lost them
last night during Wheel.

I just got off
the phone with the DA,

and for aiding in
the capture of George Judy,

you've officially been granted
immunity from all your past crimes.

So, I'm a free man?

Mmm.
(SNIFFS)

Nope, still smells the same.

I'm sorry that
I doubted you.

But you did drive off with
the guy that we were chasing.

Had to. I saw he
was about to get away,

so I tricked him into
thinking I was on his side.

Look, I owe you
both an apology.

Doug Judy,
I underestimated your honesty.

And Peralta,
I underestimated your instincts.

Yeah, I'm going to need
a lot more from you than that.

Fine. You're a good cop,

even if you are a
"Thirsty-ass bitch." Wow!

Okay.

Just solved a pretty intense
murder and you just crap all over me.

Hey, Captain,
I got you a little something-something.

Gertie?
No.

But she is the exact same make,
model and color.

Oh, my God, you stole this.
I can't be driving a stolen...

Relax, man. I bought it at a
used-car lot for, like, $600.

This is not a nice
vehicle. Yeah. It's not.

And, by the way,
her name's not Gertie.

It's Sexarella.

Hello, Sexarella.

So, what's next
for you, Doug Judy?

(SIGHS) I'm turning over a new
leaf. Going to live that honest life.

Maybe open up a bakery,

buy a little house, invest in my
retirement... You're going to go back

to stealing cars
immediately, aren't you?

That's very much on the table,
yeah. Okay.

I'm going to miss you, man.

I'm going to
miss you, brother.

Goodbye, little Fievel.

Goodbye, Papa.

(BOTH GRUNT)

(BOTH CLEARING THROATS)

Cool.

All right, peace out.
Peace.

Good to see you, man.

Hey, you guys, I thought
of a funny response

to Terry's text
from earlier.

Would you mind taking a look
before I hit send?

Charles, you've trained
for this moment, okay?

We trust you.
Just send it.

Come here. Good job.

(CHUCKLES)

All right. I'm going
to do it. Mmm-hmm.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Way to go, Charles...

BOYLE AND SANTIAGO: Gina!