Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Ava - full transcript

Cluck, cluck!
Gobble, gobble!

Guess who just came from the
P.S. 321 Thanksgiving Parade?

- Charles, you actually might...

- Who's Charles?
I'm Tommy Gobbler.

And I'm stuffed with
Thanksgiving happiness!

Gobble, gobble!

- Seriously, Charles...

- I warned you!

I'm Tommy Gobbler,

you silly pilgrim.

- Okay, Tommy Gobbler.



- There you go!

- These are the Davidsons.

They want to know
what happened

to their missing grandmother.

- I have some deeply
tragic news for you.

- Listen up.

Diaz and I are going to Rikers

to interview a guy
we think has info

on the
Douglass Street murders.

Also, IT says
the internet is down.

- What? No!

I had just clicked
a link that said

Balloon Boy grew up hot.

Now I will never
see those pictures.



- Can't you just use
the internet on your phone?

- Bitch, you know
I'm out of data.

- Jake,

can I speak to
you for a minute?

In private.

- Ooh, someone's in trouble.

It's me.
I don't know why I did that.

- So Sharon'll be
here in an hour.

We're driving up to the
Berkshires to spend

one last weekend alone

before the baby comes.

- Yeah!
Somebody's gonna get it!

- She's 37 weeks
pregnant, man.

We're gonna eat pie in bed.

- Yeah.

I just wanted to ask:

If Sharon gets here
before I'm back from Rikers,

can you make sure
she's comfortable?

And also, um...

Keep Captain Holt
away from her.

- Really? Why?

- He's always
weird around her

and it stresses her out.

She says he reminds
her of those

judgmental trees from
"Lord of the Rings."

They're called "Ents."

Get a life, dweeb.

- I don't care.
- Okay.

- Can you handle it?

- Yes, I can totally
handle it.

I will take care of Sharon.

As long as she's carrying

my godchild inside of her,

I am her god-husband.

She is my god-wife.

And I will god-love
her forever.

- Come on, man.

Don't say stuff like that.

- Which part? All of it?

I'm gonna assume
it's all of it,

and just make my exeunt.

Okay. Don't hurt me.

- Happy Thanksgiving, sir.

This year, I'm more
thankful than ever

to have you as my Captain.

- And I'm thankful for
the low price of gasoline.

- And I'm thankful
for the friendship...

- I think there's been
a misunderstanding.

There's no time for
everyone to have a turn.

- But I'm the only one
that didn't get to...

- Boyle.

Now, with the internet
being down,

we'll have to do
all the paperwork by hand.

Would you two be okay with
staying late tonight?

- Well, I was gonna
slow-cook a goose,

but I guess I could
normal cook her.

- Great.

The bullpen is getting
overcrowded,

and I don't want the situation
to deteriorate.

I'm sorry if this
ruins your holiday.

- Nonsense.

I'm thankful that
you trust us

with such an important task.

- And I am thankful to
have such a dedicated employee.

- And I'm thankful...
- Dismissed.

- Yep.

- Hey, Gina.

I need a top secret favor.

Sharon is coming
to the precinct

and I need your help.

- It better not be
pregnancy-related,

'cause that crap is nasty.

- The miracle of life?

- Dress it up
however you want,

that's some disgusting
animal kingdom nonsense.

- Okay, don't worry
about Sharon.

I'll take care of her.

I've got everything
she needs.

Pillow, blanket,

copy of "Breast-Feeders"
magazine...

Which, now that
I say it out loud,

sounds like porn.

Yep, it is.

- So what do you need me for?

- Keeping Captain Holt
away from her.

Terry says he gets very
awkward near Sharon.

That's one way to put it.

- Sharon.
Nice to see you.

You look so big.
Like a mighty truck.

- I can help you
avoid Captain Holt.

I'll keep you appraised
of his location

at all times.

- Gina. Peralta.
- He's behind me.

- Yeah.

- I love paperwork,
but this is crazy.

There isn't even time
to savor it.

Charles,
you're going so fast.

- I don't have a choice.

We can't let this place
fill up with perps.

- Yeah, but you're
gonna cramp.

Are you kidding, baby?

I've been cramping
for the past 20 minutes.

- I'm so attracted
to you right now.

- Sharon.

Mrs. Sarge, how are you?

- Very pregnant.

Is Terry back yet?

- Not yet, but he will
be back any minute,

and in the meantime,
I will take great care

of my godchild
and my god-wife.

- Yes.

Terry did tell me
that you might be

calling me that.

- Aww.
You guys talk about me?

- Sharon!

Hello.

- Raymond. Hi.

- Um, Captain, I need you to

sign this here and here.

- Excuse me, everyone.

We got to keep
this area clear.

If you could all proceed
in a wall-like fashion

to the briefing room.

That's it.

- Also, right here.
- Human blockade style.

- And here,
and here, and here.

- Give me
one second, Gina,

I just want to say
hi to Sharon.

Just, um...

Sharon is gone.

Gina?

Is also gone.

- Well, Sharon is happy,

and Captain Holt has
no idea where she is.

- Damn, we are good at
stashing pregnant ladies.

- Guys?

My water just broke.

Don't worry about that,
we'll just get you another one.

You mean your body water!

That's much worse.

- Okay, Terry.

I love you. Just hurry back.

- I love you too, baby.

Put Jake on, okay?

- Hey there, Sarge.

Everything is totally
under control.

As you know, her water broke

and she's had
a couple of contractions.

And... hey, Sharon,

how are you doing vaginally?

- What?

- Don't ask her that!
- Okay.

- Jake, all you have to do

is keep her comfortable.

I'm on my way.
- Okay, sounds good.

And do you want to just
meet us at the hospital or...

No hospital!

- Okay. Got it. Got it.

Cool, cool, cool.
No hospital.

I am picking up
what you're screaming down.

- We had a terrible
experience

when Cagney and Lacey
were born.

- Last time we went
to the hospital,

they pushed me
to have a C-section,

didn't have enough rooms,

and the anesthesiologist
was a med student

who stabbed me
in the spinal cord

ten times before
he got it right!

- See? Needles in your spine?

Childbirth is a horror movie.

- That is not helping.

- Jake, there's a copy of our

birth plan on my desk.

- Call the doula.
- Copy that.

I will call the doula.

Which is a thing that
I definitely know what it is.

- A doula is someone
who supports you

emotionally and physically

and coaches you through
the process.

- I see.

So sort of like
a vaginal Gandalf?

- Stop saying that word!

- Ooh, that's actually
a pretty good analogy.

- Well, Sharon liked it,
Sarge.

All right, listen, you have
nothing to worry about.

I've got it totally
under control here.

Love you, bye. Great.

So I'm gonna go
get your birth plan

and then summon your wizard.

- Sharon, I heard you had
gone into labor

in our police station.

I hope you don't
contract an infection.

- Yeah, we all hope that.

- Hey, Cap-i-tan,

Could I speak with
you outside

for just one moment?

- Don't leave me.

- Listen, you've got
your plate full today,

and this whole
Sharon having a baby thing

is honestly beneath you.

- But I know a lot
about childbirth.

My ex-boyfriend,
Frederick was an OB/GYN

and we would often
talk about his work.

Before he started talking
about it with...

Dave.

- Well, you should probably
know that I also

have a lot of experience
with childbirth.

- And, with a final grunt,

the mighty rhino
expels her calf.

Gross!
Come out of an egg next time.

- I'm gonna go check in
on Sharon.

Make sure she's not
pushing prematurely...

Fatiguing the uterus.

- Okay, wait,
you can't talk to her!

Terry doesn't want you
in there.

You make her uncomfortable.

- I make her uncomfortable?

- Well, that's ridiculous.

I should go confront her

about this at length.

- No, wait!

You could, but

I think that would
probably stress her out

and we're trying to
keep her calm right now.

So maybe just...

Focus on work?

- Of course.

I only want to help.

Whatever's best for Sharon.

Really?

- You're fine with that?

- Absolutely.
I don't take it personally.

I mean, it's about me
and my behavior, specifically,

nobody else...
Not Hitchcock or Scully,

but yeah, I'm fine.

What a joyous occasion.

- So...

Sharon's water just broke.

- Are you kidding? Let's go!

- Hold up.

This guy knows where
our murderer is hiding.

Just give me two minutes
alone with him.

I'll let him know what's
gonna happen to him

if he doesn't cooperate.

I'm gonna miss the birth

of my child!

It's a magical moment!

Okay, okay!

I'll tell you everything.

Thank you for
letting me be part

of this wonderful experience.

- You're a terrible person,

but you're welcome.

- There you go.

All right.

Safe and sound.

So I spoke with your doily...

- Doula.
- So close.

And, unfortunately, she is

out of town for Thanksgiving.

- What?

- I also spoke with
your backup doula,

who is in town.

- Thank God.

- But is assisting
with another birth.

Should not have paused
between those two sentences.

- Yeah.
- Jake, where's Terry?

- I don't know, exactly,

but everything is okay.

I have familiarized myself

with the soothing section
of your birth plan,

and I will now
speak in a low,

calming, Barry White voice.

Yeah.

Just breathe, baby.

- You're making me
more tense.

- Yeah, I get why.

I'm doing a bad,
bad job, girl.

- How about we put on
some relaxing music?

I think that Terry's got
some CDs on his desk.

- Great.
Hey, Gina, can you grab those?

- I have made the
mistake of looking

at the birthing plan
and just learned

what an episiotomy is.

I'm gonna need 90 minutes.

- Okay. I'll grab the CDs.

Be right back.

Hey, sir, thank you again

for letting us
use your office.

- I'm fine.

I'm getting
a lot of work done

here at Gina's desk.

It's wonderful.

She has all my favorite
chewing gums.

- Okay, well,
I'm just getting

some CDs from Terry's desk

to help relax Sharon.

- I don't know why
you're telling me.

I'm not involved.

You made that very clear.

- All right.

- Do you work here?
- I do.

- My son was arrested
six hours ago,

and nobody can tell me

when he's getting out.

What is going on?

Yup.

Great question.

I will be right
with you folks.

Guys, we have clear
some of these people.

I'm trying to keep things
calm for Sharon,

and this is not helping.

- I don't know
what to tell you.

I'm already writing
dangerously fast.

It's Smudge City here, Jake.

Smudge City!

- I mean, the problem is,

we only have one fax machine,

and it takes four minutes
per page.

It's Logjam City, Jake.
Logjam City!

- Well, Sharon is about
to have a baby, all right?

So I need it to be Calm City
in here.

Calm City!

- Hey, if you need
more fax machines,

there's a ton of them
in that storage room

where I go to take a nap.

What?

- Why didn't you
say something?

- And once again,

Hitchcock and Scully
save the day.

- You didn't do anything.
It was all Scully.

- We're a package deal,
everyone knows that.

- Why is this train stopped?

I'm freaking out!

- Sorry for the delay,
but it turns out

there's an exciting reason:

The train in front of us has
a pregnant woman on board,

and she's giving birth.

- Don't applaud that!

Hey, this is terrible!

I'm sorry, but my wife is

giving birth right now too!

No, that's not what I want!

It feels real forced.

Move this train!

- All right,

so I was unable
to get the CDs,

however, I can sing you
a very soothing tune.

Something like...

Boy.

- What is that?

Is there a fire?

- All right, I'm gonna
go check this out.

Sharon, you stay here

and prepare to jump
out the window.

That came out weird.

- Guys, what the hell
is going on?

- Hitchcock and Scully
saved the day.

- No, you plugged
ten fax machines

into one outlet
and caused a fire.

- But I pointed to the fire
extinguisher and was like,

"The fire extinguisher's
over there."

- You pointed at
the toaster oven!

- You guys, the alarm
is freaking out Sharon.

Does anyone know
how to turn it off?

- There's an override
switch switch in my office

above the thermostat.

- Great. Can you turn it off?

- Yes, I'd love to help out.

Perhaps you'd like me
to wear a bomb suit

with an opaque visor

so Sharon doesn't know
that it is I who...

- Just forget it. I'll do it!

Good. You didn't jump.

- What's going on?
Is everything okay?

- Yes, I just need to
flick this switch

and turn off
the old alarm-a-roono.

Must've been
the wrong switch.

But this one...

Turns on the sprinklers.

And apparently,

does not turn them back off.

- Guys. What's going on?

I thought you were
gonna clear the room?

- They won't listen to us.

They're hungry and pissed

and they all hate cops.

- Would you guys just fix
the paperwork problem?

I'll take care of this.

Excuse me, everyone.

Everyone, I'm gonna
need you all

to clear the room.

This woman is having
vaginal contractions.

- It's just "contractions,"

you don't have to add
"vaginal" to it.

- Sorry.
This woman is having

non-vaginal contractions.

Everyone out, please.

That was better, right?

Get you down...
- Thank you. Thank you.

- All right, Sharon.

Things are about to get

very calm in here, all right?

Look at me.

You're gonna be so relaxed,

that baby's gonna
pop right out

onto the floor,
you won't even notice.

- Don't let my baby
touch the floor!

- Right, right!
Because of the filth.

- Where is Terry?

- I don't know.

His phone's going
straight to voice-mail.

Maybe we should go
to the hospital.

No hospital!

- Yeah, no hospital, baby.

I will be right back.

Sir?

I need your help.

- I knew this moment
would come,

and I will be the bigger man.

I'd be happy to help.

- Great.

We need a doctor
here immediately.

We have to get
your ex-boyfriend.

- I will not help you.

Things did not end well

between Frederick and me.

- Ooh, why not?

Dish, sir, dish.

- Gina, no.

I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but we simply don't have time

to hear about the captain's
sordid romantic past.

- What have you become?

- A hero in a time of crisis.

You stay here
and take care of Sharon.

What if she's still pregnant
when I get in there?

- Then you'll deal with it.

Sir, we're going to get
Frederick right now.

I'm sure he's over whatever

little fight you guys had.

- Frederick?
Happy Thanksgiving.

- Six more miles.
Run, Terry, run!

Think of your wife
in the care of Jake!

- Sarge, look!

- Aw, hell yeah!

Terry is terrified!

It's no use,
they're all ruined.

- No email, now no fax.

What're we gonna do?

- I'll tell you
what my dad used to tell me:

"When the going gets tough,

"the pill bug
curls into a ball

and pretends to be dead."

- You think we should
pretend to be dead?

- You asked for a solution,
I gave you one.

Hitchcock, Scully,
how did you

get things done before
the internet and faxing?

- Cocaine?

- Right.

And also the tubes.

There's 27 miles
of pneumatic tubes

under the city,
connecting all the precincts.

- Guys.

You really think
these still work?

- I think they still...

- Okay, I found you a pillow.

Full disclosure,
it's Scully's

hemorrhoid donut

- I don't want that
near my baby.

- Yeah,
that's the right call.

Okay, I'm gonna go
Howard Hughes my hands.

- I am so uncomfortable.

Can we please
try one of my positions

from my birth plan?

- Okay.

Think positive thoughts.

You're in a Channing Tatum movie.

You're in a Channing Tatum movie.

- I don't like
Channing Tatum.

- I'm not talking to you.

Please don't slam the door again.
We have a bit of a medical situation.

- Well, I wish I could help,

but unfortunately,
I have a bit

of a wooden duck situation.

- Excuse me, what now?

- Still on about
the duck, Frederick?

Years ago,
when we moved in together,

an antique duck decoy of his
was misplaced.

- It wasn't misplaced.

You threw it in the trash.

And with it,
our relationship.

- Please...
We had other problems.

Or have you
forgotten about...

Dave?

- Dave and I were coworkers

and nothing more.

- Nothing more. Right?

Problem solved,
everybody's friends.

Let's go help Sharon.

- I will be happy
to assist you

if you will just admit,
Raymond,

that you threw
my decoy in the garbage.

- That will never happen

because it's not true.

Thank you for nothing.

Good day.

- Hi.

Would you mind
just standing there

with your glorious beard
for one moment?

I'll be right back.

What the hell?

Just tell him what
he wants to hear.

- But it's a lie.

- I don't give a crap, sir.

Sharon needs a doctor,
so get over yourself.

Tell him you threw
away his stupid duck,

then give him 20 bucks
to buy a new one.

- It cost $740.

- What?

That is an insane price
for a duck!

That's way too much!

All right, now I'm angry
about the wrong thing.

Look, just fix
this for Sharon.

- Frederick, the duck
was ugly and gross

and I threw it
in the garbage.

- Wow.

Well, I know
what I'm thankful

for this Thanksgiving:

The truth.

- My phone's ringing!

No! No!

Terry's still not
answering his phone.

Why am I the only one
who cares about this baby?

- Hey, what took so long?
Is she okay?

- Yeah, I was just telling her
the entire duck story,

now that it finally has
a satisfying ending.

No, everything's fine,

but I am a little concerned

about Sharon's
blood pressure.

And this is
a terrible environment.

- I wouldn't call
it terrible.

- We're surrounded
by criminals,

there's no bed,

and you can hear
the faint sound

of someone screaming
through all the vents.

- That's Hitchcock.

His arm's stuck
in a pneumatic tube.

It's hilarious.

- In my professional opinion,

Sharon should go
to the hospital.

- Hey.

So the doctor thinks

we should go to the hospital.

No hospital!

- Yup, I thought
you might say that.

Look, I can't get
a hold of Terry.

- That one was rough.

Maybe I should
listen to the doctor.

What do you think?

- Sharon, it doesn't
matter what I think.

You and the sarge
have a plan.

- Yeah, but the plan
changed, like,

five horrible things ago.

I'm in a lot of pain.

I mean, I know we said
no hospital, but...

I don't want to risk anything

by making a stupid mistake.

Look, you're my god-husband.

- We both know
that's a fake position.

- Not anymore.

What would you do?

- Where's Sharon?
- Room 41B.

- Look, I'm sorry.
I know you said...

- Don't go to the hospital!

- I tried calling you,
you didn't pick up.

- So you decided to do

the exact opposite of the
one thing I told you?

- I thought it was the
right thing to do, Terry.

Look, she's in there
with Captain Holt's

ex-boyfriend right now,

but don't worry,
I made him promise

to stop bringing up the duck.

- What the hell are
you talking about?

- I...
- You know what?

I'll deal with you later.

- Seems like you already
dealt with me.

I got the gist, we're good.

- Peralta,

can I confess
something to you?

I didn't throw Frederick's
duck in the garbage.

- Yes, I know, sir.

- I didn't throw
the duck in the garbage.

I threw it off a bridge.

- Why would you do that?

- Well, Frederick and
I were having problems.

He knew I disliked the duck

because of its weak beak,

but he insisted on
displaying it anyway.

I acted out

in a petty manner.

Just as I did today.

I'm sorry that
I wasn't more helpful.

- It's fine, I understand.

You might find this
hard to believe,

but I can be a little childish
sometimes, myself.

- Yes.

You have gum in your
hair right now.

- Noted.
- Hey!

- Hey! You guys came.

What about all the paperwork?

- We got it all in.

Filed 900 forms by hand
in under 12 hours.

It was tough, but worth it.

We wouldn't have missed this.

- Also, we had to go
to the ER anyway.

Hitchcock's arm was
mangled by the tube.

- I'm in unspeakable pain.

This is agonizing.

- It's been over an hour.

This has to be a record
for longest childbirth.

- It's a girl!

- Her name is Ava Jeffords.

She's 14 pounds, six ounces.

- Whoa.

- Yeah, Terry Jeffords
makes big babies.

Guys, I just want to say

thanks to all of you.

Charles and Amy
filling out forms.

Rosa, I'm so thankful

you got me here on that bike.

- I'm thankful I could help.

- I'm thankful that I'm...

- Boyle, this is
clearly a moment

between him and Diaz.

- Captain Holt,
you brought me the doctor

that brought my girl
into the world.

And Gina,
I know you got past your fears

and helped Sharon out.

- I'm so happy for you

and I never want to see
your daughter

or remember this day.

- And Hitchcock and Scully,

I assume you're here
for some unrelated injury.

- That's correct.

- Jake.

Can I see you for a minute?

- Yeah.

- It's a girl.

- Ouch! Worth it.

- Sharon and I
wanted you to be

the first person to meet Ava.

She's beautiful.

- I'm sorry I got
angry earlier.

You did a great job today.

Hospital was
the right decision.

I'm so glad you're
Ava's godfather.

I'm so glad you're
Sharon's god-husband.

I'm so glad you're
my god-wife.

I have no idea what
I'm saying at this point.

- Thank you, Jake.

- You want to hold her?

Yeah, sure, that'd be great.

- The baby, Jake!

- Yeah!
Right, right, the normal thing.

Subtitle edited by
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