Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Into the Woods - full transcript

[suspenseful music]

- Falcon One,
do we have a go?

- The light is green,
Tiger One.

- What are you gonna say when
you crash through the window?

- Hey, there,
sorry for dropping in.

- Goose bumps, Jake.
Goose bumps.

Is the equipment secure?
- Check.

- Weapon loaded?
- Check.

- Did you have breakfast?

- What?
That's not on the checklist.

- I added it
because I care about you.



- No, I did not have breakfast.
- Unacceptable.

Look in your pocket.

- Hey, there's little
chocolate chips in this.

- Yeah, I'm not an idiot.
I know how

to trick my best friend
into eating his fiber.

- All right, bar digested.
Mission go.

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

- NYPD!
- Stay where you are!

- Hands in the air
where I can see 'em!

- Hey, there,
sorry for dropping in.

Was it cool?
It felt really cool.

- Yeah.
Yeah, it was pretty cool.

- Pretty cool?
What went wrong?



- Nothing.
- You have fudge on cheek.

- Oh, from the breakfast bar,
Boyle!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

So I smash through the window,
feet first.

There's glass everywhere,
and I say,

"Hey, there,
sorry for dropping in."

- Ho!
- Whoa.

- And the best part is,
there was nothing on my cheek.

- That's a weird detail
to throw in there.

- You're a weird detail
to throw in there.

- Hmm? What?
- Wait a second, Peralta.

You busted through a window
for no reason?

- Basic police tactic, Sarge.
Cover every exit.

- It was a sealed window
on the fifth floor.

You could have just
gone in the door with Charles.

- Yeah, but then what would
my catchphrase have been?

"Knock, knock, who's there?
Justice"?

Ooh, that's actually amazing.

Charles, write that down.
- Already did.

- Sarge,
what's the big deal?

We stopped two kilos of heroin
from hitting the streets.

Who cares about
one broken window?

- I do!

I'm the one who has to spend
all weekend doing paperwork

because of your dumb stunt.

- But...
Terry loves paperwork?

- No, Jake, I do not.
- Oh.

- Look, man, I've got two kids,
a job, and a very pregnant wife.

I get one hour a week
to myself on Sundays.

You know what I do
with that time?

I run a hot bubble bath,
wheel in a TV,

and watch sports bloopers.

- Sports bloopers?

- They're hilarious
and relaxing,

and they humanize my heroes.

- Okay, well, I went
through a window.

That's a blooper of sorts,
right?

- No!

It's not a blooper
if you meant to do it!

Thanks for ruining
my weekend.

This is a debacle.

- Oh, man.
Sarge is pissed.

What are we gonna do,
Jake?

- Don't worry.
It's gonna be fine.

We just have
to turn this debacle

into a straight-up "bacle."

- Guess I should be
getting back.

Uncle Ray, thank you
for loaning me

you best detective
for lunch.

- My pleasure.

Of course, she is entitled
to 45 minutes

as per her union contract.

- Okay, well,
great to see you.

Bye, baby.

- A minute, Detective Diaz.

What's going on
with you and Marcus?

- What are you talking about?

- Your shoulders tightened
when he said "baby."

Your nostrils flared
when I asked

what was going on
with the two of you.

And you have saag paneer
on your sleeve,

which, given your aversion
to Indian cuisine,

suggests you let him
choose the restaurant.

Why would you do that?

- Kindness.
- Pity.

You're about
to break up with him.

- Damn, you are good.
- Mm-hmm.

- Things aren't working out.

I don't want to talk about it.

- I regret the words
we've already spoken.

Listen, I know I probably
shouldn't get involved,

but Marcus is my nephew,

and I hope you'll
let him down gently.

- Don't worry.

I don't want things
to be awkward.

I'm gonna send him a text
while he's sleeping

that says, "We're done."

- Clear. Accurate.

But do you feel
like it's enough?

- "We're done.

Good-bye."

- Yes.
That should do it.

- What's going on, Peralta?

Charles says
you're going to make me

happier than I was
on my wedding night.

- Well, that's not how
I would have put it,

but I know you were mad at me
for ruining blooper time,

so I did all your paperwork.

- That's not helpful.

You always make
a thousand mistakes.

- Mm-hmm, that's what
Amy said as well

right before she
took over for me,

so it's perfect.

- Okay.
Hey, thanks, man.

I appreciate it.

- And I spoke with Sharon.

I spoke with Captain Holt.

And we all agree that
you deserve a break.

So this weekend,
Charles and I

are taking you
to the great outdoors

to Detective Lohank's cabin.

- Boom.
Suck it, wedding night.

- Lohank?
That sad sack?

All he does is talk
about his wife

sleeping with other men.

- No, he also has
some great stories

about his prostate cancer.

- Besides, he's not
sticking around.

It's just the three of us.

- Those woods
are full of ticks.

It's Lyme disease central.

- So we'll get
some bug spray.

- Plus that cabin's
probably covered in black mold.

- Racist.
- You know what?

I am gonna stay home
and have a blooper bath.

- Oh, come on, Sarge.

It's gonna be fun.

You remember fun, right?

- What's that
supposed to mean?

- Nothing.
It's just--

I planned this awesome
guys' weekend for us,

and all you can think about
is Lyme disease.

- Untrue.

I'm thinking about
all tick-borne diseases--

anaplasmosis, tularemia,
Rocky Mountain spotted fever.

You know, maybe I could
just chill out a little.

- Yes.
You're stressed.

A little fun would
do you good, I promise.

- You know what?
You're right.

You all better get ready
for fun Terry.

- Ooh, fun Terry.
He sounds fun.

- Oh, he's crazy.

Thanks for planning this, Jake.

- No, thank you
for being amazing

and also for driving us
up to the cabin.

My car's in the shop,
and riding in Charles's

is like sitting inside
of a dog's behonkus.

Fun Terry.
Can't wait.

- Hey, Gina.
Would you do me a favor?

- Yes, thank you
for asking.

I did not feel like
doing this work right now.

- Oh, those look like
important papers.

- What's up?
How can I help?

- Well, when I was a kid,

I invented a magnetic
flashlight clip

so I could read
under the covers.

This clip and I went
all around the world together--

the Shire, Sweet Valley High,
Terabithia.

- But never
to a friend's house, huh?

- Uncalled for.

Anyway, I realized that this
could be really helpful

for police work,
so I made an appointment

with the head
of NYPD purchasing.

I have to sell him on it,
but I'm afraid

I might come across
a little boring.

- [gasps]
Amy, are you asking me

to "She's All That" you?

- I didn't read that.

But if it's about
helping out a friend, then yes.

Please "She's All That" me.

- Okay.

But if we're gonna do this,

we're gonna do it my way,
all right?

First I'm going to need
to break you down to nothing

and then build you back up
piece by piece.

- Well, the meeting's
tomorrow.

- Well, we'll just
break you down to nothing

and see what time it is.

- Mmm!
What is that smell?

- That is the absence of urine.

You got to leave Brooklyn
to get that.

- No urine--
I could get used to this.

- Oh, yes.

And that's just the beginning,
my friend.

Just wait till
you're sitting fireside,

sipping on a premium
Chinese Scotch,

and smoking a sweet
Rwandan cigar.

- Okay.
Okay.

I probably could have done
without the countries of origin,

but that sounds great.

- Yeah.
- What else do you have planned?

- Oh, so much.
I'm talking fishing.

I'm talking poker.
I'm talking Frisbee.

Boyle, what else
am I talking?

- Wildflower picking so we can
make our own cologne.

- Nope, I was talking
bonfires and s'mores,

but that's my fault
for throwing to you.

- This is going to be
fun as hell.

- This is going to be
the best weekend ever!

- Welcome to Stink Puddle Manor.

- Stink Puddle?

- Manor.

- Just out of curiosity,
why would you

name your house
Stink Puddle?

- Oh, I didn't.

The home inspector
came up with it.

I can't smell anything
since the radiation therapy.

- Another great story, eh?

- So there's no power,
no heat.

- Is there running water?

- Of course there's
running water.

Oh, but I wouldn't use it.

It's very contaminated.

We had three dogs
die in the well.

- Three?

- If they weren't
all tied together,

we might have just
lost the one.

Sad thing is, they were
therapy dogs for my son.

- Oh.

- He had real abandonment issues
after my wife left.

It was kind of like
an emotional scar

on an emotional scar.

- But the woods are
super nice, right?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Gorgeous.

Except during sinkhole season.

- When's sinkhole season?

- It's been going on for,
like, 20 years now.

It's kind of like
a "Game of Thrones" winter.

- Right. Yeah.

- Anyway, I'll leave
you guys to it.

Have fun.

Don't do anything
I wouldn't do.

For instance,

drink the water
or let your wife

go on work trips.

- Duly noted.

- You wanted to see me?

- I told Kevin about
how I approved

of your strategy
for breaking up with Marcus,

and he said that we were
"sociopaths."

- So you're gonna leave him?

- No, I think he may
have a point.

You might need to do more
than simply text.

- A long, drawn-out breakup
is just gonna end

in a big scene
and Marcus crying.

He has so many emotions.

- [sobbing]

It's just so beautiful
how much they love each other.

- It's a commercial

for a refrigerator.

- Yes, it is daunting.

But I did some research
on amicable breakups.

6-relationships/867599904/
9432&20.html.

Do you know that site?
- No.

- Well, apparently,
it's less painful

if you acknowledge
the dumpee's feelings.

- Ew.
- But don't worry.

We'll practice.
Hmm?

I'll be Marcus.
Go.

- [clears throat]

Marcus, I think
we should break up.

- That makes me feel sad.

I am sad.

- Your sadness is noted.

- I feel acknowledged.

Thank you for breaking up
with me.

It will take me eight minutes
to collect my things.

I think that went very well.

- Hmm.

- Okay, creek.

I'd like three fresh trout
to go, please.

[percussive music]

It just went straight up.

Now it's coming down.
Oh, boy!

- Watch and learn, losers.

Yah!

- I didn't see where it went.
- Back of my neck.

It's in the back of my neck.
[groans]

- Okay, I've learned
from your mistakes.

Not too hard,
late release, and...

[water splashes]

- That was fun.
Fishing was fun.

- Yeah.
- Back to the cabin?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Before we get
into your pitch,

what are you
calling the product?

- The Handless Lighting System,
or HLS.

- Sounds like
a genetic disorder.

How's about
Shoulder Nova?

- I love it.
Amazing.

It's perfect.

- Now let's talk presentation.

What's your opener?

- Hi, I'm Amy Santiago,

and my product will make
a real difference.

It is the Shoulder Nova.

- My only note is, make it
1000% more captivating.

- Very good note.
Yeah.

Okay.

I got it.
[clears throat]

Mm...

Ding.

Oh, hello.
I'm Amy Santiago.

Was that captivating enough?

- Weirdly, it might have been
a scooch too captivating.

Here's what I'm thinking.

Mm-kay?
You can take a seat.

- Okay.

- Until this moment,
there was only darkness.

But now there is...

light.

- [sighs]

- I am Vanessa Santiago,

and I'm about
to blow your minds.

- You want me to change
my name to Vanessa?

- Desperately.

- I got to say,
the Chinese

know how to make
a terrible scotch.

- They certainly do.

Ugh, it's bad.
Gets you drunk, though.

- Well, I found
all the worms.

They're eating a fox corpse
in the outhouse.

- Speaking of which,
I'm getting hungry.

What's for dinner?
- Dinner?

[laughs nervously]
Yes, of course. Dinner.

- Did you not pack any food?

- There's fresh fox.

- Oh, it is not fresh.

- Are you serious?

We stopped three times
on the way up here

to buy fireworks, and you
never thought to get groceries?

What was in those coolers?

- The fireworks.

Look, I thought we would be
incredible at fishing.

Excuse me for
believing in us.

- It'll be okay, guys.
No need to worry.

I just took a foraging class,
and not to brag,

I was voted Mr. Fungus.

- Aha, Mr. Fungus
to the rescue.

See, Sarge, everything's
going to work out,

and you don't have to stress
all the time.

- Boyle, you really think
you can find us dinner?

- [laughing]
Um, let's just say

it's gonna be
a "spore-gasbord."

[percussive music]

- Something bad happened
to Charles, didn't it?

- Big time.

Oh God,
what if the last thing

we ever heard him say
was "spore-gasbord?"

- Charles!
Charles!

I'm starting
to get worried, Jake.

- Relax.

If anybody can handle it
out here, it's Charles.

He saw "Into the Woods"
ten times in the theater.

- Watch it.
That's poison ivy.

- Whoa. Good call.

I'm allergic to poison ivy.

I got it one time
at sports camp,

making out in the woods
with Liz Almont.

Okay, fine.
We weren't making out.

I was looking
for my inhaler.

And it wasn't sports camp.
It was asthma camp.

- Hey, Jake.
Are we lost?

- What? No.

We're on an "adventure."

Right, Fun Terry?

- Fun Terry's gone.

He starved to death an hour ago.

This is Original Terry.

- That's the worst Terry.

- You didn't bring a map
or a flashlight

or anything that could keep us
from getting lost?

- Yes, I brought
all of those things.

It's called a cell phone.

Map. Flashlight.
Compass.

An app that makes me
sound like T-Pain.

Nope, the battery's dead.
Now it's just a brick.

But don't freak out.

I don't need an app
to sound like T-Pain, right?

[nasally]
♪ We're totally lost ♪

Yeah, that was a little
more Kermit, but--

- Oh, you're back.

How did the breakup go?

- I tried to acknowledge
his feelings.

It wasn't easy.
There were a lot of them.

- I'm just so confused.

So sad.

Are you climbing
out the window?

- No.

I climbed back in,
and we talked about emotions

for 20 minutes.

- Dear God.
- I know.

But I think it went well.

At least there was no crying.

- Well done, Diaz.

- I'm actually really glad
you made me do it this way.

I got to tell him that
even though it was ending,

it was incredibly
meaningful to me,

and I'm gonna miss him.

- Oh, no.

- This is exactly
what I didn't want.

- You crying?
Oof!

I deserved that.

- Charles is dead,
and we're next.

- All right, don't be
so melodramatic.

He's probably chewing
on bark and berries,

having the time of his life,
safe and sound.

- Terry! Jake!

- Ho, ho!
What's that I hear?

Charles Boyle,
safe and sound?

What are you saying, Charles?

That you're having
the time of your life?

- I fell in a sinkhole,
and I'm badly hurt!

- Damn it!

Boyle, what the hell?

- I know.
It's a pretty big hole, right?

- How'd you end up down there?

- I spotted
a gorgeous chanterelle.

I reached for it, but then
I rolled my ankle and fell in.

- All right, buddy, don't worry.
We got you, okay?

- I was so scared, you guys.

A psychic told me I was
gonna die alone in a pit,

and I kept telling myself,

"This is a hole, not a pit.
This is a hole, not a pit.

"This is a hole, not a pit.

"This is a hole,
not a pit.

Charles, it's a hole,
not a pit."

- All right.
Here, grab me.

[grunts]

Take my hand, all right?

- Okay.

- Okay, now pull us up,
Terry.

- Oh crap, I'm slipping!

[all yell]

- [groaning]

- No, it's Lohank's dogs
all over again!

- So in conclusion,

by eliminating
flashlight fumbling,

the Shoulder Nova could save
the average police officer

over 13,000 seconds.

- Wow, that sounds like
a lot, Vanessa.

- It is.

- I guess there's only
one thing left to do.

both: You have the right
to remain...

- Uhh!

both: Well lit!

[clapping]

- Wow, that presentation
was terrific.

So fun to watch.

- Thank you, sir.

- See, the problem
is the product.

I just don't see
any need for it at all.

I just put the flashlight
in my mouth

when my hands are full.

- Sir, the human mouth
is nasty.

- Yeah, but mouths are free.

I'm sorry.
I'm just not interested.

- Okay.
Thank you for your time.

- You are scum.

[scraping]

- This isn't working.

- Great trip, Jake.
- Oh, thanks, man.

- You know that was
sarcastic!

- How?

- You didn't bring food
or water

or ask if Lohank's cabin

was straight out
of a horror movie.

Now you got us
trapped in a pit!

- Hole.

- Okay, I know
that things

are not looking great
right now,

but you have to admit,
you were having fun earlier.

- I'm not now.
I'm more stressed than ever.

- Maybe that's 'cause
you're just focusing

on the negative, Ter-bear.
I mean, look at Charles.

He's chill.
I'm chill.

- That's 'cause he's in shock!
You know what?

The reason you're so chill

is because you have everyone
cleaning up your messes for you.

Didn't bring food?
Charles will find mushrooms.

Smashed through a window?
Terry'll do the paperwork.

- Hey, I did the paperwork.

- No, Amy did it!

- Oh, guys, please,
please calm down.

I hate it when you argue.

It reminds of when my dad
used to fight

with my best friend--
my mom.

- I'm done with this.

I'm going to sleep.

Charles, spoon with me.

We need to huddle
together for warmth.

- No, Charles,
you're my best friend.

You're going
to spoon with me.

- I called first spoon.

Charles, get over here
right now.

- Boyle, don't throw away
a lifelong friendship

for a one-night spoon
with Terry.

- Okay, enough.
We're gonna stop fighting.

We're gonna lie down,

and we're gonna triple-spoon
like grown-ups!

Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.

[dramatic music]

There, okay.

See, that's better, right?

So do we know any songs?

both: Shut up, Charles!

[percussive music]

- Jake?
Where's Jake?

Did you eat him, Terry?

- No!

- Good morning, guys!

- How'd you get out of the pit?

- Easy-peasy,
lemon squeezy.

Actually, it took me hours.

I tied all my clothes together,
tethered them to a log,

and used it
as a grappling hook.

Managed to snag it
in a root.

- Aren't you freezing?

- Not at all.

Mainly because
my skin is on fire

from all the poison ivy
in this tree.

[giggles]

- Why'd you do that?

Oh, let me guess.
Dumb mistake.

- No, dumb choice.

I didn't want to sit around
and wait for somebody

to clean up my mess.

- Hmm, I guess
I got through to you.

- Yeah.

Also, after you fell asleep,
Boyle really laid into me.

It was brutal.

- I got to say, Jake,
this time,

I think you're
only 99% right.

- [gasps]

- We're rolling.
- No!

Argh!

[groans]

- Well, can you see anything
from up there?

- Yes, I can--

Stink Puddle Manor,
about 65 trees sunward.

Man, one day in the woods,

and I'm freakin'
Lewis and Clark up here.

[door rattles]
- Thank you for coming, Diaz.

I want to apologize
for yesterday.

Inserting myself into
my employee's breakup

with my nephew somehow,
uh, backfired.

- It's not your fault.

I'm the one that made a scene
like a dumb, crying baby.

I'm considering having
my tear ducts melted shut.

- It's not the end
of the world to feel...

things.

- I guess not.

It's up there.

The thing is,
I really care about Marcus,

but he wanted to get married,

and I'm just not
ready for that.

And if I'm not ready
with a guy as great as Marcus,

then what if I'm never ready?

[voice breaking]
What if that was it,

my one chance at love?

What if I never get
a second chance?

I don't know.
I'm just...

I'm just sad.

- Well, I understand.

It must be very difficult.

- Wait, are you crying?

- Yes.

[sighs]

Thank you for acknowledging
my feelings.

- Thank you for
acknowledging mine.

[both sobbing]

- We're both great at this.
- [sobs and sniffles]

- Hey, sport.

You look a little D in the D.

D for "down in dumps,"
respectively.

- Probably easier
to just not abbreviate

if you have to explain it.

- Agree to D.

I wanted to talk to you
about yesterday.

- Yeah, thank you for all
your help with the presentation.

And I'm sorry you had
to waste your talent

on such a stupid product.

- Without product makers
like you,

us dazzle-doves
wouldn't have nothing

to shake our wings over.

- Yeah, but my invention
was useless.

- No, that scum was wrong.

I showed the Shoulder Nova
to a girl in my building.

She's like a mini Amy,
and she loved it.

She said she was gonna break
the world record

for speed-reading.

- Psh! Yeah.

Like some little girl's gonna
take down Yuri Jurgonav.

[both laugh]

- Anyway, I know
it wasn't what you wanted,

but you still made
a difference.

- Thanks, Gina.

I guess I did
make a D.

- Don't steal my thing.
- Okay.

- That's all I ask.
- I won't.

- Hey, Sarge.

Why'd you want us
to meet you out here?

- To thank you guys
for the weekend.

- Really?
It was a total disaster.

- Not a total disaster.

None of us got sick
from that dog water.

- You drank that?
- No.

- Look, Jake,
you were right.

I have kind of forgotten
how to have fun.

I'm going to try
to work on that, so...

- [gasps]

The fireworks
you made me surrender

when we reentered
New York!

- Uh-huh.
Fun Terry's back.

We're gonna set 'em off
in a big pile, all at once.

- By shooting our guns
at them?

- What? No.
- No.

- We're going to set 'em off
like normal people.

- Oh.
That's good too.

Ooh.

[fuse crackling]

Here we go.

[fireworks popping]
Whoo-hoo!

[fireworks crackling
and whistling]

See how fun this is?

Original Terry
would have been worried

that we're standing too close
and need safety goggles,

and he would have been
absolutely right.

We're way too close.
Run!

[fireworks booming]

- Not a doctor.
Shh.