Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Halloween III - full transcript

- Good morning, Boyle.

It's Halloween--I'm surprised
you didn't put on a costume.

- I was going to, sir,
but then I decided,

"screw that jazz."

Well, I'm the only one
who ever dresses up,

no one ever gets
my costume,

and they make fun of me--
so I'm done.

These people don't deserve
my dress-up gifts.

[elevator dings]

- Charles, seriously?

No costume?



- What the hell, Charles?

Where's your
Halloween spirit?

- But you guys always
make fun of me.

- I have never once
insulted you in my life,

especially vis-à-vis
your appearance.

- Yeah, man, we always
love your costumes.

- Remember last year,
when you came as that

person and/or thing?

- Yes, I do remember!

Sir, permission to sprint
to my car and get

my emergency costume?

- Does it matter
if I say no?

- No!

A-bam, bam, boom.



What the--what--

- Why are you dressed up?
You look like an idiot.

- But--but--

- Yeah, what are you
supposed to be,

a sassy car mechanic?

- No, come on--he's clearly
the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot,

Harry Pop-Tart.

- I am not!
You know who I am!

- Squad, that's enough--
you're making Boyle

feel bad on purpose.

He's Elvis.
- Yes!

- Elvis Stojko,
the Canadian figure skater.

- No!

- Attention, squad:
today is the most

important day in the
history of this precinct.

For today is Halloween--

I thought we were going to
say it together.

- I never agreed to that.
- All right.

- As you may know,
for the past two years,

Captain Holt and I have engaged
in an epic battle of wits.

The goal: to determine
who must call the other

an amazing
detective/genius.

- The first year,
by sheer, dumb luck,

Jake eked out a feeble victory.

- And last year, I let
the captain win,

because he's old and sad.

- Sad because the competition
was so dismal.

- Is this meeting
about something?

- It's about everything.

- This year's the tie-breaker,

a final heist to decide
once and for all

the true king of the nine-nine.

- Halloween Heist III:
The Heistening. Tagline?

- This year we both attempt
to steal the same object

instead of Jake attempting
to steal one from me.

- I gave you one direction
on the tagline--snappy.

But yes, we will be attempting
to steal the same item--

this.

- The crown will be locked
in this briefcase,

which in turn will be locked
in the interrogation room.

- ♪ And so unto the briefcase
goes the crown ♪

Didn't sing it with me.

We will need help,

so to be fair,
we're holding a draft.

The captain and I have
given up our overtime,

so everyone who participates
will get the night off--captain?

- With the first pick
of the draft, I choose...

Terry.

- Okay, brawns over brains.

- All right, I take Charles.

- I get it. Close friend.

- I pick Gina.
- Gina?

- I take Rosa.

- What?

Okay, all right.
Well, Captain--

that leaves me with you.

Let's do this.
- Hang on, Santiago.

I'm not sure I can
trust you.

You're Peralta's paramour;
maybe you should be on his team.

- No, no, no--
Amy would do anything

to win your approval,
including pretending

to be in a relationship with me
for the past few weeks

only to betray me now.

- Jake, you are majorly
overthinking this.

- Maybe, but it's a risk
I'm not willing to take.

You're not on my team, Amy.
- Yeah, Amy's out.

By midnight,
whoever has the crown

will be the king
of the nine-nine.

- Uh, Hitchcock and I
still haven't been chosen.

- I'm good.
- Me too.

- So, I see you've been assigned
to guard the briefcase too.

- Yup, I'm not supposed to let
it or you out of my sight,

if that even is you.

- Ow, that's my face!

- Oh, sorry--I thought it was a
cheap, rubber mask.

- Well, I have exciting news.

I found the perfect guy
to set you up with.

- After zero consideration,
I'm happy to say, "hard pass."

- Come on, our parents
are married.

Genevieve and I are dating.

I want you to have
someone too.

- [sighs]
- You shouldn't have to

slow-dance alone
after family dinner.

- How did my life come to this?

Charles, it's very sweet
that you want to

set me up with someone,

but I do not trust your taste
in guys at all.

- I have spectacular taste
in men.

You would love Nadia.

- His name is Nadia?

- Oh, all of a sudden
Nadia's not a cool name?

You are impossible.

- Here, got it?
- Got it.

- Hey, Jake.
Can we talk?

- Yeah.

- You really hurt my feelings
by leaving me off your team.

- Oh, I had no idea
you felt that way.

- Well, it doesn't feel great
to be left out.

- Right, totally, I get it.
I'm sorry...

Captain Holt!

- What? Why are you yelling
at my boobs?

- Because that's where
the camera is.

Nice try, Ray-Ray!

- There's no camera, Jake.

I was being serious.

- Okay fine--if you're
telling the truth,

then I sincerely
apologize.

But since you're not,
I will defeat you!

[witch cackling]
Ahhh! Gah! Scary witch!

Scary, so scary!

- Amy, don't feel bad.

You can get in on
my bet with Scully.

At midnight tonight,
we will steal

his foot fungus cream.

- Thanks, that's very kind
of you to include me,

but I'll have to pass.

- The mind games have
already begun.

- No, I'm not part of this.
- Oh, of course not.

Neither am I.
Wink.

- Ugh.

- I'm not going to meet
my next boyfriend

through a Charles set-up.

I'm going to meet him in an
illegal dance competition

in an abandoned
subway tunnel.

- It's go time, Boyle.

Holt and Terry have closed
the blinds--release the roaches.

- Alternately, he could win
an illegal street race

in which my love is the prize.

- Oh, my God! Gina, look!
Roaches!

- [screams]
- Look!

- Ew, Charles, kill them with
whatever cologne you're wearing!

- No, I can't!
They're moving too fast!

I can't kill them!
It's pandemonium!

- If I die, turn my Tweets
into a book!

- Commence operation,
"Oh crap, wrong vent."

- [gasp]
- Oh crap, wrong vent.

This was a mistake.

- Nice try, losers.
You blew it.

- Yeah, we totally blew it.

And all because Boyle
marked the wrong vent.

- It's not my fault--I thought
it was the right vent.

- Unbelievable, mister.
- You are, mister.

- I'm having trouble even
believing you at all right now.

That is the last time
I let Charles mark a vent.

- I'm normally great
at marking vents.

- Lock picked.

- Never, ever, never, ever,
ever, never, ever, ever,

never, ever, will I ever,
never, ever, ever, ever,

ever, never, never, never--
I forgive you, and good-bye.

- Wow, you should have
seen us, Rosa.

Charles and I
were amazing.

- I somersaulted
through a window,

cut the crown out of
a briefcase,

and replaced everything
in under a minute.

- Yeah, I guess you
helped a little.

But our fake argument
was super convincing.

And all of a sudden,
we had to make it longer,

and we did.

Anyways, now all we gotta do
is guard this drawer

until midnight,
and the best part about it is

Captain Holt has
absolutely no idea.

He is such a fool.

- Yes, I'm the fool.

You fool.

- So we wanted Jake
to take the crown?

- Sergeant, are you familiar
with the Hungarian fencing term,

Hosszú Gorcs?

- You must realize
my answer is no.

- It's a strategy of
letting your opponent

win points early to give them
a sense of overconfidence,

thus exposing a much easier
target for you later.

- You think he's
overconfident enough?

- I'm the smartest man alive.

I'm never gonna die.

[knocks on door]
- Sir, do you have a minute?

- Of course.

Jeffords,
we'll rendezvous later.

- Sir, I want to
talk about Jake.

Okay--
- Amy! Help!

Our foot fungus heist
has gone sideways!

- Hitchcock, not now.

- Scully doesn't know
I'm in here.

I stole his foot cream,
but then I lost it.

Amy, you're the only hope
I have of finding it.

You're a detective.

- You're a detective!
Get out of here!

Go! [sighs]

Sir, Jake really pissed me off,

and I want to help you
take him down.

- Well, that's an
intriguing proposition.

You certainly
could be useful...

- Thank you.

- To Jake!

I got you, Peralta!
You're not fooling anyone!

- Why does everyone think
that's where a camera would be?

- Because the cleavage cloaks
the camera with its curves.

That will be all, spy.

Sorry I said cleavage.
- Mm-hmm.

- Charles, that is so nasty you
put cockroaches in your pants.

- When you say it
like that, yeah.

But Jake made it sound so cool.

- How?
[knocks on door]

- Oh, I wasn't
expecting anyone.

Come in, Nadia.
- Hey, Charles.

- What up, bro?

Gina, this was the boy
I was telling you about.

- You're Nadia?

- Well, my real name's Leo;
Nadia's just my tag.

I don't love it, but when Banksy
gives you a nickname,

it just sticks.

- Okay, I see what's
going on here.

This isn't a setup--
this is a setup.

And all of this is supposed to
distract me from the heist.

- The heist?
- [mocking tone] The heist?

You shut your hot lips.

Charles, I don't buy it.

This is an obvious trap, okay?

Who are you, really, hmm?

You some male prostitute
that Charles busted

out on some
lonely pier somewhere?

Well, guess what, sweetie?

This is one trick you ain't
gonna be turning tonight.

- I'm not a prostitute.

- Okay.

[laughs]

Right.
Bye-bye, whore.

- It's go time, Sergeant.

- Hey, Rosa.

I'm not saying these are
from your motorcycle,

but I found these
stripped handlebars outside.

- You better not have messed
with my bike for this heist.

Let me remind you
I'm carrying a weapon.

- We all have
the same weapons.

Damn, Rosa!
Where'd you get that?

The scorpion has left the nest.

♪ ♪

- And...

Ding.

[elevator dings]

- See Daddy?
Come on.

- Time for the twin twist.

- Hey, Jake.
- Hey, you guys.

- We wanted to surprise Terry;
have you seen him?

- Oh, he just went downstairs
for a bit,

but he should be back soon.

- Oh. Cagney? Lacey?

Do you guys want to take
a picture with Uncle Jake?

- Yeah!
- [laughs]

You don't mind, do you?

- Um ...
no, of course not.

That would be so fun.

- What if we do it
in the briefing room,

like you're assigning them
a case?

- No, I mean,
you know what would be fun--

even more that that--

is if we took a picture
right here,

and I could have
my hand on this cabinet.

- Okay.

- Nailed it.
- Here we go.

Oh, God, it was in
video mode--sorry.

- Take your time;
I could do this all day.

Matter of fact,
what if we did one

where I had both hands
on the cabinet--

one on top, and then one
on the front?

- Looks good, yeah.

All right, smile--
three, two, one--

Cheese! Very good.

Great, you guys.
Let's go find Daddy.

[witch cackling]
- What's going on?

Aha!
What are you doing?

Nothing--just enjoying a taste
of my favorite beverage,

the soda pop.

- Really? I have never seen you
enjoy soda pop before.

- Hmm.
- Have some now.

- Ahh.

It's delicious.
- I don't buy it.

You're making the same face
you made when you found

a chocolate chip
in your trail mix.

Something's up.
I'm patting you down.

Damn it, nothing but
a surprisingly toned set of abs.

- Why would I
have the crown, Jake?

Isn't it still
in the interrogation room?

- Yes. Yes.
Of course.

Of course
it's still in there.

Welp, I guess I'll
see you at midnight.

After you.
- No, after you.

- I insist.

[witch cackling]

Ugh.

- You drank a soda?

Not sure that's
the worst thing in the world.

- It was the worst thing
in the world--

worse than a
fruit-forward Riesling.

No, I'm not exaggerating.

Anyhow, I cleverly ditched
the crown in a trash can--

wait a minute--so as to not
arouse suspicion

and then retrieve it.

- Got it.

Hey... while I'm in there,
should I get you a soda?

- I know you're joking,
but on the off chance

you aren't...

No.

- Hi, there.
- Oh, is it?

- The handlebar thing
was fake.

They were trying
to distract me.

I think they made
a play for the crown.

- I know, but I had my hand
on the cabinet the whole time,

so I'm pretty confident
there's no way

they could have gotten it.

They got it.

- Look at the back.
Screws are loose.

- Damn it.
That son of a bitch is good.

- Sir, we got a problem.

The crown wasn't in
the trash can.

Jake must have taken it back.

- Damn it.

That son of a bitch is good.

- We have to get
that crown back.

I already changed my email
to "kingjakerulez" with a z.

Everyone's going to think
I'm an idiot.

- Hello, Peralta.
- Captain.

- Midnight nears.
- Yes, it does.

Tick tock.
- Tick tock indeed.

- But tick tock for who?

- You know it's "for whom."

Don't try to provoke me.

- I didn't know that.

both: I'm going to get
that crown back.

- Wait--what?
- Huh?

Will you excuse me
for just one moment?

- Yes, I too
need to be excused.

- [whispering]
He doesn't have the crown!

- What? Who has it, then?

- I don't know who has it.
- What do we do?

- Pull the security tape.
I'll distract them.

Hey, look at this.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Damn it, how did that
not work?

- Hmm, Captain Holt said
you guys stole the crown

when Jake came through
the ceiling.

- Yeah, I can't believe
you fell for that.

You really think I'd mark
the wrong vent?

I've never marked
a wrong vent in my life.

- You're very intense
about vents.

- Yeah.

- Wait--so Nadia wasn't
just a distraction?

- No, 100% real.

Handsome, cool, hair as thick
as a collie's.

I found you the perfect guy,
and you drove him off.

- Ugh. I'm sorry.

I should have trusted you.

Please call him
and tell him I messed up.

- Fine, but only if you
agree that your first date

will be a double date
with me and Genevieve

on a week-long trip
to Turk's--

- Forget it, no.
Forget it.

- No! Okay, I'll call him.

Please, I want this
so badly.

- Fine, you may
call him for me.

- Thank you.

- Okay, here I am taking
pictures with Terry's kids.

Man, I look so strong
standing next to them.

Should I have kids?
- Sure.

Okay.

It's Holt.
Whoa, how did he do that?

- Guy has an insane
set of abs.

Oh, look,
he's got the crown.

And he's headed to
the break room.

- He dumped it in the trash.

Did he go back and get it?

- Nope, janitor came in
and took it.

But which janitor?

Looks like I'm going to
have to squint.

His name is Al--
Al the janitor.

All right, it's 11:00 P.M. Now;
That means Al's long gone.

How are we going to
get his home address?

- Who's the one person you know
who's anal enough

to send out holiday cards
to every single employee?

- Amy!
- What do you want, Jake?

- What? Why would you assume
that I want anything?

What I want is to apologize
to my girlfriend,

who I hurt.

- It's "whom."

- Why does the word "who"
even exist

if you're not allowed
to say it?

Anyways, now that
I've apologized

and you've accepted, can you
give me janitor Al's address?

- This is related
to your heist, isn't it?

- No, no.
It's about a crime.

I think janitor Al is
going to kill the president.

- Oh, Santiago.
There's my protégé.

- Let me guess--
you want the janitor's address.

- Janitor? Address? Al?

- I never said his name.

Well, isn't this rich.

After being excluded
by both of you,

here I am with the power
to decide

who wins and who loses
your little heist.

- I wouldn't have it
any other way.

You are my wisest detective.

- Pathetic.
She can't be manipulated, sir.

Amy, we are in love.

I know we've never
said it before,

but I think this is
the perfect time, don't you?

- Love? Ha.

What's love compared to the
respect of a workplace superior?

- Amy Santiago,
will you m--

- Enough!
- Okay.

- Pretending to be nice to me
is worse than being mean.

You know what?
You want the address?

Here, you can both have it.

[cell phones ringing]

Hope you're happy,
you selfish monsters.

- I feel terrible.
- We should apologize.

- Yes, I agree.

You definitely should now;
I'll do mine later.

- Fat chance.

- Charles, I need your butt.
Meet me downstairs.

- Alpha Team, this is
the Golden Sparrow.

Rendezvous at
Drop Zone Yankee.

- When did you come up
with those code names?

Okay, he lives on
the sixteenth floor.

- I think we beat Holt here.

- Or did you?
- I'll get the elevator.

- Crap! Looks like
we're taking the stairs.

All right, it's sixteen floors--
pace yourselves.

Forget it.
Run as fast as you can!

[panting]

[knocks]
Ha ha!

I win. I knocked first.

You're not Al.

- You're looking for Al?

- Of course we're looking
for Al, you imbecile!

Sorry.

- He's having a cigarette
on the roof.

- The roof?

[panting]

Yes.
I did it.

I am the greatest
athlete in the world.

[vomits]

- Al? Al?

Where's Al?

- Oh, there he is.
There he is!

I did it. I did it.

[vomits]

- Good God.

Are you Al the janitor?

- Nope.
I'm your worst nightmare.

Amy Santiago.

- Oh, no.

- I don't understand
what is happening.

- Allow me to explain.

Amy and I were ahead of you
the whole time.

- No, you weren't
part of this.

Get back over to
the loser side, loser.

- All right.
Worth a shot.

- So how'd you pull it off?

- Well, it all started
when I went to tell Jake

how badly he hurt
my feelings,

and he yelled at
my breasts.

- Oh, boy, I am not going to
come off well in this story.

- Nope.

Remember when you
set off the witch?

[witch cackling]

You made Captain Holt
flinch, which was weird,

since his door was closed,

but not weird, since he
actually heard it over a bug

he planted at your desk.

It was in an old muffin that you
never threw in the trash.

- That's why people
throw away garbage.

- How are we together?

- Eh.

- Anyway, I tapped into
the bug's frequencies,

so I had ears on Jake.

I needed to know
what Holt was up to.

That's where Hitchcock
came in.

- I masterminded
the entire plan.

- You did one small thing,
and I had to explain it to you,

like, 45 times.

He left a tiny crack
in the blind,

so I could read
the Captain's lips.

"Sharon and your kids
will distract Jake.

"They'll be here at 9:30 sharp.

My waffle xylophone
on the cheese man."

- What?

- My lip-reading
is not flawless.

Now that I knew your plan,

it was simple to disrupt.

While Scully gracefully
moved the witch,

I got into character.

Holt triggered the witch,

which brought Jake
into the room.

- And I threw the crown
in the trash can.

- Exactly as I planned.

Then I sent you all here,
placed an out-of-order sign

on the perfectly
functional elevator,

made you all walk up
31 flights of stairs

and vomit twice.

- Actually, it was four times,

if you count all
the stairwell stuff.

- You thought I was
just Holt's lackey.

And you thought I was
just Jake's girlfriend.

Well, I'm my own person,

capable of making
my own decisions,

and I decided to
humiliate you both.

- Well, you did,
and it was awesome.

One last question:
where's the crown?

- Oh, it's at Shaw's Bar,

the official site
of my coronation.

- All hail the crown of destiny.

[cheers]

And all hail she who wears it,
Amy Santiago, the...

- Queen.

- Queen of the nine-nine.

[cheers]

- I believe there's
something else

you both need to say.

- Gladly.

both:
Amy Santiago

is an amazing
detective/genius.

Drinks are on us.

- Nope.
- Drinks are on me.

- Yeah!

- Hey.

- I'm glad you showed up.

Sorry I was acting
so weird earlier.

- Hey, I don't blame you.
Sagittarius, right?

With Saturn where it is,
you're right to be wary

of new relationships.

- How is it possible
that a spirit such as yourself

even knows Charles?

- I did an art show
at Genevieve's gallery.

- Oh, right--so you're not
really friends,

you know his girlfriend
through the art world.

- Yeah, plus,
she's my twin sister.

- What?

- Hi, Leo.
A kiss for my bro.

And a kiss for my beau.

- No.

- A kiss for my beau.

And a kiss for my sis.

- No!