Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 22 - Bureau - full transcript

- I called you here

To discuss where we are
with operation 225641441636324.

- What?

- I assigned a numerical
value to each letter

In the word "pimento,"
which I then squared.

- Oh, captain.

How dare you try
and sneak math into this?

- Peralta.

Update us on santiago's
undercover prison operation.

- Yeah, she has made contact
with jimmy figgis' sister,

But it's slowgoing.



I hope she comes back soon.

- Aww. You miss her?

- No, I lost the key
to her apartment,

And I'm taking care of her fish.

They're all dead already,
aren't they?

- Yeah.
- Damn it.

- Our priority is still finding
figgis' agent in the fbi.

I think it's time for me
to call in a favor

From an old colleague
at the bureau, bob anderson.

I would've contacted him sooner,
but this is a rogue op,

And he's a real stickler
for the rules.

He once picked up a penny off
the street, which he then

Reported on his taxes.

- Sounds like
a barrel of laughs.



- Fortunately, he isn't.

We worked together back in the
day and really hit it off.

[radio static]

- We're going to
be here a while.

Would you like to talk?

- I'd rather not.

- Agreed.

[funky music]

♪

- Oh, man.

A secret fbi meet up?

I love this!

Look at all those idiots.

They have no idea
what's about to go down.

- You mean that woman
and her baby?

- Yep. Idiots.

- Oh, here comes bob.

Please behave.

Hello, bob.

Good to see you.

- And you. Apologies.

It's inappropriate for me
to partake in such

Informal conversation
in front of your detectives.

- It's all right.
I am equally to blame.

- Oh, my god.

There's two of them.

- So, raymond,
what evidence do you have

That there's
a dirty agent in the fbi?

Let's see the file.

- We don't have a file.

- You're working file-less?

- We saw the guy
commit a felony.

He tried to have
a cop killed.

Crazy hot cop.

- Well, he's a specific type.

Look, the guy we're looking for
was wearing a ski mask,

But he's about 5'10".
Caucasian.

He's got a big scar
on his right hand.

We've been calling him scarjo,
like the actress,

Scarlett johansson.

- What? An actress?

I didn't know that was
where that was from.

Bob, I'm so sorry.

- No, I'll look past it.
- Okay.

- There's an agent
that matches that description.

His name is ryan whealon.

You think you could id him
if you saw him?

- Oh, yeah. I'd recognize
that scar from 20 miles away.

- You must have
fantastic vision.

- Or it's a gigantic scar.

- I was clearly exaggerating.

Why do you have
to ruin everything?

[funky music]

- Dr. Schwartz,
I'm here for my appointment.

- Hello, cortez. Shabbat shalom.

- "shabbat shalom"?

- I don't know.
Jake made me jewish.

So how are things going
with maura?

- Well, I'm part of her crew,

But she still won't talk
about her past.

[radio static]

- So, what kind of stuff
did you used to do in new york?

- What's with all
the questions, regis?

- Actually, it's
michael strahan now.

- She's so scary.

I saw her pull her own tooth out
and throw it into a woman's eye.

- Yeah, that's bad.
So guess what.

Genevieve just texted.

We're gonna hear about
our adoption any minute.

- I thought you were
doing fertility treatments.

- We are, but it's
not going well.

The doctor said my sterility
is so aggressive,

It may have spread to her.
- Okay.

But, adoption!
Charles, that's amazing!

- I know!
- Oh, no.

- What?
- Maura.

[both clearing throats]

- Anyway, ms. Cortez,
your vagina looks great.

Mazel.

[both sigh]

- Did you see
this morning's newspaper?

- No. I get all my news

From a text message chain
with my friends.

[gasps] the attorney general
might step down!

I'm kidding. It's a gif
of a rabbit eating spaghetti.

- There's an article about the
nine-nine's monthly crime rate.

Those numbers aren't supposed
to be public until next week.

- Terry, you're gonna have
to be more interesting

If you want to
get an "oh, dang."

- There's a leak
in the nine-nine!

- Oh, dang.

- I presented those numbers
in a morning briefing,

But I can't imagine anyone would
be stupid enough to leak 'em.

- Really, terrence?
Look how dumb they are.

- Ugh!
- D'aww!

Printer's fixed.

- Oh, dang.

[funky bass line]

- Tell peralta
whealon's approaching.

- Here comes the douche bag.

Gray suit. Act natural.

- [clears throat]

Wow, look at that.
What a great magazine.

- Sir, if you're interested,
the new issue of "clown boobies"

Just came in.
I can unpack the box for you.

- What?

Oh. Haha.

Actually, no.
I need last month's.

There's a particular clown...

Booby...
That I'm looking for.

- What is peralta doing?

- He appears to
be rifling through

"clown boobies magazine."

- Whoa!

Stupid butterfingers.

- It's all right.
- Thank you.

- Here you go.

[radio static]

- Thank you.
Thank you so, so much.

Not thank you. Not thank you
at all, you dirtbag.

- Hey, cortez!

What's going on
with you and that doctor?

You seem real tight with him.

- No, we're not tight.
I barely know him.

- So why were you hugging him?

- My last appeal got denied,
so he was comforting me.

He's a sensitive guy. Maybe
because of his jewish faith.

- I want to talk to him.
Alone.

- Oh. About something medical?
Or--

- What did I tell you about
asking too many questions?

- Right. That's that thing you
killed a bunch of bitches for.

[quietly]
ah. Got it. Sorry.

- We've been watching
this guy all day.

Can't believe we haven't
even arrested him yet.

We know he's the guy.

- We have to build
a case first.

4:13 p.M. Subject finishes
his coffee. Or tea.

Mark the beverage as "unknown."

- Detectives.

- What does the fbi database

Tell us about
whealon and figgis?

- Both of their files
were completely wiped.

I've never seen that before.

- Yeah, that's
because he's guilty,

And we're just sitting here
watching him eat a peach.

- That's a nectarine.

- It's either a nectarine
or a peach.

Just write
"unknown stone fruit."

- There can't just
be digital files.

There must be hard copies.

- Those are all under
lock and key in the archives.

If I asked for clearance,
they could alert him.

- Interesting.

So what you're saying
is our only option

Is to break into the fbi
and steal the file.

Bob, I apologize
for the absurdity.

- I see no absurdity.

Actually,
I think peralta's right.

Let's plan a heist.

- Bob?

- Blueprints for the new york
headquarters of the fbi.

Is in the archive room,
here, in the basement.

- We will be represented by
these things I had in my pocket.

All I had was lint.
Just a pocketful of lint.

Everybody remember
what your lint looks like.

My lint is approximately
1 centimeter in diameter.

My lint is blue.
- My lint is oblong.

My lint is approximately
1/2 centimeter in length.

My lint is also blue.

- Wow, so no pushback on the
lint thing? This is great.

- Now, I can give you clearance
to get in the front door,

But getting into the archive
is another matter.

- If I go into this bathroom,
I could climb through this vent,

Drop down into the archive room,
and steal the file.

- How are you gonna get out?

- Pull myself back up
the way I came in.

What? I can do a pull-up.
Terry will teach me.

- This whole area
is video-monitored

By this guard here.

- I can distract him
with conversation.

What do you know about him?

- Watches a lot of tv.

I heard him mention
"sex and the city."

- Then I will discuss
both of those shows with him.

- Ooh. "sex and the city"
is one show.

It's not a show
called "sex"

And then another show
called "the city."

- Okay. Good start.

Now I know that.
- Oh.

- I can disable
the security dvrs,

But I need some way of getting
to a station unnoticed.

- I have an idea
on how to smuggle you in,

But it'll be a tight fit.

- I'm flexible.
I do a lot of yoga.

- You do yoga?

I'll hunt you down
and rip your face off.

- Okay. Great. Good plan.
I won't ask you about it again.

- I got the dvrs.

- Actually, that's my lint.
My lint is oblong.

My lint is blue.

- Okay! Sounds like we've got a
plan. Let's get to training.

To meet with me?
You think our cover's blown?

- I don't know,
but, just to be safe,

Let's review your backstory.

- I went to yeshiva med school,
residency at mount sinai,

My best friend
is yacob peralberg,

And we share everything
with each other.

- Can't imagine that last part
coming up, but okay.

[door opens]
you got this.

Your baby's head
is the perfect size.

- Oh, thank you, doctor.

- Still gonna hurt when it comes
out. Get ready for that.

- So you're dr. Schwartz.

- That's me. L'chaim.
How can I help you?

- I've been watching you
ever since you showed up here.

You don't seem like the other
doctors that we've had.

- It's funny--my best friend,
yacob, is always saying that.

Oh.
- Cut the crap.

We both know why I'm here.
- We do?

- Your heart's beating
a mile a minute.

- It's not because I'm nervous!

- Cortez says that you're
sensitive. I like that.

I've only been
with cheating scum.

- Oh.
- Until now.

- Ahh!
[medical equipment clanging]

- Everything okay in here?

- Yeah.
- We're all good.

He was just checking me out.
- Mm-hmm.

- And I will
see you soon, doctor?

- Mm-hmm.
- Later.

- Yeah. Later.

[door closes]
curse this perfect butt.

- How dare you, sir?

Do you really think we would
leak information on purpose?

- No. We think you're dum-dums
and you did it by accident.

- Oh.
Well, that's very possible.

- Yeah, I could see that.

- The briefing was a week ago.

Just tell us everyone
you talked to since then.

- Well, let's see. On Saturday,
I got together with my friends,

And we went to the dog track.

- We need names.

- I lied.
There's not multiple friends.

It's just scully.

- Okay.
What about you, scully?

- Well, I went to
the knicks game with a buddy.

- Was this "buddy"
named hitchcock?

- Yes,
and we weren't at the game.

We were at the dog track.

- Oh, come on, guys.

Is there anyone you could've
told the crime stats to?

- Crime stats?
- Wait. Do either of you

Even know what
our arrest numbers were?

- 12.
- No!

- Then no.
- Yeah, they're not the leak.

[energetic rock music]

[peralta grunting]

- Come on, man.
Use your muscles.

- Use my muscles?
Oh, great.

Why didn't I think about that?

Great advice, terry.

- You know what?
It's a pull-up.

There's not much
to coach here.

- So there's carrie, miranda,
charlotte, and samantha,

But new york city
is really the fifth character.

- Hmm. What about steve?
He seems nice.

- Oh, steve is nothing.
No one likes steve.

- "steve is nothing."

- [grunting]

[laughing]
okay!

[energetic rock music]

- I don't get it. Miranda
could've had blair underwood,

But she settled for steve?

- Oh, but you do get it, sir.
See, now you do.

- How is you doing that
helping me?

♪

- Scully.
- Rosa.

- [grunting and screaming]

[cheers and applause]

- Good job. Can you do it
without screaming?

- Pro-bab-ly.

- Then we're ready.

Let's break into the fbi.

- Oh, come on, captain.
This is such a big moment.

Say it with more gusto.

- Indeed.
Like this:

Let's break into the fbi.

- Oh, I see.

Let's break into the fbi.

- No. Let's break into the fbi.

- Let's break into the fbi.

- Let's break into the fbi.

- Let's break into the fbi.
I feel like I'm doing it.

- Let's break into the fbi.

- Let's break into the fbi.

- Okay! I think we got it.

Now,

Let's break into the fbi!

[funky music]

♪

- Good morning.

Hi. This is for you.
- Thanks.

- Quite a big package
you've got there.

Oh, I apologize
for the double entendre.

I can be such a samantha.

- Really?

You don't seem like a samantha.

- Well, I'm actually
a combination

Of all four characters.

Both: Five if you count
the city of new york.

- Yes.
- [chuckles]

Another sex-and-the-citiot?

- Guilty as charged.

My favorite season has to be
the third one.

Everything was going right
for carrie.

Her face was on every bus, her
column was the talk of the town,

And she met everyone's
favorite furniture maker,

Aidan shaw.

Sure, she melted down
when he tried to introduce her

To his parents,
and she flipped out

When she bumped into big
getting out of that cab

With natasha,
whom he had married.

Hmm. Who can blame her?

They barely knew each other.

The best episode that year...

Was episode six,
entitled "are we sluts?"

You know the one.
Carrie was all in her head

Because she and aidan
weren't having sex.

Meanwhile, across town,

Charlotte couldn't stop
having sex.

And samantha? Samantha
was just being samantha.

The season finale that year was
entitled "cock-a-doodle-do."

- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
Roger that.

[clanging]

Whoops.

- I hate big!

Carrie should've ended up
with mikhail baryshnikov.

- What? He slapped her!
Are you insane?

[funky music]

♪

- Bingo.

Got the file.
Preparing for extraction.

No screaming, peralta.

[muffled grunting and screaming]

- If you ask me, they never
should've made the movie.

Abu dhabi? Abu don't bother.

- [laughs]
wow. I'm gonna use that.

- Please do. Have a nice day.
- Okay.

- Hey.
Here you go.

- Whoa, wait. Hold on.
Stop. Both of you.

That pass is only
for the ninth floor.

All right.
Let me see that envelope.

- Oh, actually, I can't
show you that, because--

- It's okay.

I asked him to come down
and mail that.

I just need to put
my return address on it.

And...
There you go.

- Thanks. I know just
where to put that.

Oh! [chuckles]
there's samantha again.

[all laughing]

[funky rock music]

♪

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
We did it!

What? I'm only human.

You can't always expect me

To be the coolest guy ever.

- Coolest guy ever? Try telling
that to alan greenspan.

- Nice burn, bob!

- I should've known maura

Wouldn't be able
to control herself.

Strong women,
they're just drawn to me.

You know,
they're all right angles,

And I'm nothing but curves.

- This actually
could be great, boyle.

You could romance her
into talking, but you shouldn't

Do anything that you're
not comfortable with.

- Oh, no. No, I won't have to.
It's not gonna get physical.

You see, the art of seduction
is all about making people wait.

- Right.
- Genevieve and I

Often begin our
lovemaking sessions...

- Oh. Okay.

- With hours upon hours
of delicateness...

- Okay. Please stop.
- That kind of blow...

- Guard!

- You get it.
- All right. Yeah.

- All right.
Sexy playlist. Check.

Seductive voice.
Double check.

[door opens]

[door closes]
- hey, chipmunk.

Let's do this.
- That sounds fun.

But first,
I need to sign some charts,

Because I am
a really... Good... Doctor.

- Get that bubble butt
over here.

- Oh, I will!

[phone chiming]

- Who is genevieve?

- No one!

My chiropractor.

- Then answer it.
- Answer it?

I mean, why don't we
just stay in the moment?

Why are you such a slave
to these little boxes?

- Answer the phone,
and put it on speaker.

[phone beeps]
- hello?

- Honey, the adoption papers
went through!

You're gonna be a daddy!

- Oh, my god!
I'm having a baby!

I mean--this is the wrong
number. Don't call here again!

- You're dead.

- Maybe you're dead.
Please don't hurt me.

- Sup, sarge?

Just digging through the garbage
like a normal person?

- I'm trying to find out
who our leak is.

- What makes you so sure
that there's a leak?

It might've just been that
the reporter was really good

At his job, like that
hot blond surfer was at tmz?

- Maybe you leaked it.

- Excuse me?

- I'm not saying
you did it on purpose.

Maybe you left the file
on the subway.

I mean, you don't take
your job very seriously.

- Whoa. We're about to have

Our first fight
as a couple, terrence.

First of all,
I take my job very seriously.

That's why I'm here
right now, helping you,

And I'm the only one doing it.

Or, I was, until
you insulted me.

Now watch me walk away.

[thud]
I said watch me!

- Wow. No wonder whealon
wiped the database.

Look at this.

He quashed all fbi
and nypd operations

Relating to figgis--

Drug running, kidnapping,
murder--

Those are the best crimes;
why would you quash them?

[smack]
- time for waiting is over.

Now is the time
for groin-stomping.

- Damn right, it is!

Let's go arrest that punk.

- He says "punk"
just like you.

- Where do you think
he learned it, punk?

[dramatic music]

- Nypd!

- Somebody's been here.
- Look: A body!

We got a body!
- Damn it!

He's dead. Figgis got to him.

- Wait a minute.
He's got a pulse.

No, wait. That's my pulse.

No. It's his pulse. Nope,
it's both our pulses.

He's alive! I'm alive!
We're all alive!

This case just
got busted wide open.

- Good news.

The doctors say
whealon's not gonna die.

- Thank god. I just hope
he's in a lot of pain.

- They say he'll be out of
the coma within 12 hours.

- Great. That means he'll
definitely testify

Against figgis,
and you know what that means:

Time for celebration candy bars!

Stupid hospital vending machines

Didn't have alcohol
for some weird reason. Here.

- Why not? I really have
embraced my wild side today.

- As have I.

Chocolate and nuts.

Actually, that's overkill.

- Indeed.

I'll wait here,

So I can interrogate him
when he wakes up.

- I'll keep you company.

Why don't you two
go home and get some sleep?

- Good idea, sir.

We'll head to the bar,
get super drunk,

And then head home
and get some sleep.

- Yeah.
Good idea, sir.

- Turns out your sensitive
doctor isn't who he says he is.

- What? What do you mean?
Why?

- 'cause he's about to adopt
a baby with his chiropractor.

- Oh, thank god--

That you didn't invest more time
in a relationship

With that jerk.

- Why can't I find
a good man?

- Could be because you're
in prison for murder.

- Nah. That's not it.
- Yeah, that's not it.

- Before this, I used to date
all my brother's friends

From the mob.

All dogs too.

Never mind. You don't want
to hear about them.

- No! I do want to hear
about them.

Please.
Tell me everything about them.

- Thanks.
That would be nice.

- Ahh! Not a toucher.
Totally get it.

I'll keep my hands to myself.

- What's going on, sarge?
You find that leak yet?

- Yes. I'm hiding behind a
coffeemaker, spying on everyone

In this office,
because I found the leak.

- Aww, terry. Sarcasm is not
a good look on you.

But you know what would be?

A really tight henley.
- Very helpful.

- I know who your leak is.

- What?

- I looked up the reporter
who published the crime numbers,

And I noticed you two
follow each other online.

- He followed me,
and you know I'm

A proud member
of team follow-back.

- So I went through your feed

To see what
you were posting.

Lot of pictures of your kids.
Nobody cares.

And then I found this picture
you posted last week.

"living that #yogurt life."

[laughs] embarrassing.

But what's even
more embarrassing, terry,

Is that the arrest numbers
are in the photo, clear as day.

- Oh, my god!

I was the leak!

I got to take that picture down.

Gina, I am so sorry
I blamed you.

- And I knew you would
say something like that,

So I went ahead
and bought myself a cake

On your behalf.

Check it out.

- Oh, dang.

- And this has been here for the
last half-hour, detective.

Didn't even notice it.

God, I'm so sick of doing
everyone's job for them.

It's like, help me out
a little bit.

Just once in a blue moon.

- Well, we did it.

For a second there,
I didn't think

We were going to pull it off.

- I knew we could.
- And we did. To us!

- Oh. What are
you guys celebrating?

- Terry was mad at us,
but we didn't know

What he was talking about,
and he went away.

- Huge day.
- Uh-huh.

[cell phone chiming]
it's amy.

- Hey, girlfriend.

- Jake, maury told me

Who figgis has working
for him in the fbi.

- Yeah,
I already know who it is,

Because I just caught him:

Special agent ryan whealon.

Also, I did one full pull-up.

I'm gonna be so buff
when you get back.

- Cool, babe.
Did you get the other guy?

- What other guy?
- Someone named bob anderson.

[dramatic music]

- Bob?

Oh, my god.

Amy, I have to go.

Bob is working for figgis.
- What?

- He must've been the one who
deleted all those digital files.

And he tried to have
whealon killed.

- But he helped us
with the heist,

And there was nothing about him
in the paper file.

- Yeah, because that wasn't
the real file.

[radio static]

- I just need to put
my return address on it.

And... There you go.

- Oh, thank you.
[radio static]

- We have to call holt.

[phone line trilling]

Come on, captain.
Pick up. Pick up.

[phone chiming]

- Don't answer that,
raymond.

And now I'm going
to have to kill you.

- Oh, bob.

- Fremulon.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.