Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Funeral - full transcript

Okay, squad,
the funeral's at 3:00,

followed by a reception
at Shaw's Bar.

I want you all
on your best behavior.

Yeah, and all eyes
are gonna be on us

because Frick and Frack here
killed Captain Dozerman.

Hey, we accidentally
startled a man

with a genetic heart condition.

If you really think about it,
his parents killed him.

All right, whatever.

Look, there's a horse race
going off in Dubai.

I got serious money on it.



Dismissed.

Oh, yeah, we should all
check out that race.

God.

He is the worst captain
we've ever had.

He drew boobies
on my bulletproof vest.

He stared at me for 90 seconds
while he ate an entire peach.

He heard that I speak Spanish,

and he made me fire
his housekeeper.

She was Polish.

At least he doesn't practice

his crane kicks with you.

I said not to move!

I didn't move.

Listen, guys.



Jake and I were talking
last night.

Pillow talk alert!
Set the scene.

- Spooning or face-to-face?
- Charles.

Spooning.

Anyway, we came up with a plan.

Jake is going to befriend
the Vulture

so he lays off of us.

It's true.

I'm gonna bro down with him.

If everything goes
according to plan,

we should be beer pong
doubles partners

by the end of the week.

Now somebody get me
a puka shell necklace.

I'm going full douche.

Okay.

Hey, 'sup, bro?

'Sup, Jake?

Got a little update for you

on that Deberg assault case.

Turns out the victim's wife
was super hot.

Yeah, I read the file.
She's a mom.

Not interested.

True that.

So listen, I've been thinking.

We got off
on the wrong foot here.

And I believe it's 'cause
we're just

too damn similar.

- You do?
- Absolutely.

We both love premium tequila...

Yeah.

- Robin Thicke.
- Oh, yeah.

- Gots to have my puks.
- Gots to.

And of course,
most importantly: Nip slips.

Let me ask you a question, Jake.

You also like
Okinawan martial arts?

Because you left this
in my back.

Hmm?

What I'm saying, Einstein,

is that you stabbed me
in my back.

How so?

We came up with a plan.

Jake is going to befriend
the Vulture

so he lays off of us.

Busted.
I knew that you were faking it.

I'll bet you don't even
like nip slips!

So, what, you bugged
the briefing room?

No, Scully butt-dialed me
yesterday

and he still hasn't hung up.

Once again, Scully's butt
is the downfall

of this precinct.

Look, Jake, I know
that you and Santiago

are trying to take me down.

You guys go home.
You lay in bed together.

You plot against me.

Well, no longer.

I want you to dump Santiago,
and that's an order.

What?
You can't do that.

It's completely against
the rules.

Okay, Sonia Sotomayor.

I would never break the rules.

But what I could do, for totally

"unrelated reasons,"
is have you busted

back down to a beat cop.

No, don't do that, all right?

I can learn to love nip slips.

No, you either love them,
or you don't.

It's too late.

You dump Santiago, or you kiss

that detective badge good-bye.

Beat it.

First time back
in the Nine-Nine.

Mm.

I really miss these people,

the whole crew...
Jake, Terry, bleh.

I forget all the other names.

Just remember,
we're here as PR representatives.

I don't wanna be.

Too bad.

We're like rock stars
to these people.

They're gonna go nuts,
just like...

I would hate it
if these doors opened

and everyone stopped working
to applaud us.

Hmm, nothing.

You must be loving this.

Yes.

What?

He's ordering us to break up?

Look, we can deal with this.

We just need a new plan.

I got it.

We lie, tell him we broke up,

and then date in secret.

Great! And you'd be okay
lying to your captain?

- Okay, new plan.
- Uh-huh.

Captain Holt is here today.

Yes, genius!

He loves us,

and he's got tons of sway
in the department.

He'll tell the Vulture
to back down.

Yeah, he'll be all...

"Vulture, I must insist

that you desist."

I really think
this is gonna work.

Also, if you ever want
to bust out

that Holt impression at home,

I'd be okay with that.

Oh, okay.

Duly noted, super disturbing,

but I'm definitely gonna do it.

Hey, G-spot!

Rosa, Charles, oh,
I missed you guys so much.

Really, 'cause when you left,
you made a pretty big deal

of deleting us from your phone.

Girl, that was just
the showman in me.

PR is so boring.

I need some Nine-Nine drama,
stat.

I don't think
we're that dramatic.

I've been gone one week.

Jake and Amy are dating,
and they've killed a person.

Come on, Charles.

You got to have something
weird and tragic going on.

Nope.

Not unless you call
hooking up with a girl

at a funeral "weird and tragic."

Home run!

Her name is Lieutenant Singh.

She's super hot.

We were seated next
to each other two funerals ago.

And there was hard eye contact
all through "Danny Boy."

Last funeral, we made out
in the parking lot.

This time...

Something
naughty this way comes.

Ugh. What do you even know
about this person?

Oh, we don't know
anything about each other.

She says she likes
that about us.

It's just pure
animal attraction.

This is creepy and unlike you.

You even know her first name?

Oh, um, do animals in the wild

know each other's names?

Look, all I know is,
Charles Boyle

is going to that funeral,

and he's going to put the "bone"

back in boneyard.

Hmm, strange to be
on this side of the desk.

Why?

Oh, right,
you used to work here.

You know I made a lot
of improvements since you left?

I got a fridge
for my protein shakes.

I got a kettlebell station.

I got a wolf
that I killed in Utah.

I'm fairly certain that's a dog.

Yeah, it was dark.

Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I need you

to sign these...

Captain Holt, I didn't
realize you were here.

Sergeant Jeffords, hello.

Welcome back.

Hey, you know, I'm gonna
stop you right there.

Hugs are a form of inappropriate
workplace touching.

Trust me, I'm very familiar

with the sexual harassment
guidelines.

That'll be all.

Well, I won't take up
too much of your time.

Because the Nine-Nine
was Captain Dozerman's

last precinct,
you will be seated

at the front of the funeral.

I wanted to alert you
that there'll be press,

cameras...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, cameras?

Crap, nobody said anything
about cameras.

I got to rock the bells.

There we go.

Oh, I noticed in the bullpen
that you had changed

the case numbering system.

I found, when I was
commanding officer, that...

I'm gonna stop you right there.

You're not commanding officer
anymore.

I was making a suggestion.

Yeah, look, you did a lot
of good for this place

while you were here,
which is great for me,

because I get
to take credit for it.

But you're not a real cop
anymore.

You're a desk jockey.

This is my precinct now.

And the sooner that you
accept that, the better.

Yes, well, I know my way out.

'Cause you used to work here.

I keep forgetting.

Everybody does.

Well, well, if it isn't
Captain Raymond Jacob Holt.

It's great to see you
back at the Nine-Nine, sir.

Yes.

There it is,
that classic Jake Holt banter,

zingers just flying around.

It's like you never left.

No, I most definitely left.

Okay.

Well, I know how much
you love hot goss,

so you probably heard
Amy and I have been dating.

And we would love your approval.

No.

But that's not
what this is about.

It sure is not.

Sir, the Vulture
is out of control.

All right, he told me
if I don't dump Amy,

he's gonna demote me.

You got to help us.

Let me stop you
right there, Peralta.

I'm not the Chief of Detectives.

I'm not the Vulture's boss.

I'm just some guy in PR.

- But we thought...
- I can't save your ass.

I don't work here anymore.

And the sooner you accept that,

the better.

Well, looks like somebody's
got a bad case

of the funeral crankies.

Okay, guys,

I know Captain Dozerman
was a nightmare

and that none of us liked him.

But I'm gonna need all of you
to pretend like you're sad.

Everyone make a sad face.

Scully, you are nailing it!

My wife just texted.
She's leaving me.

Good, use it.

Now, anyone seen Captain Holt?

He seemed a little down
when he came in.

Yeah, he let me choose the music

on the way over here,
which leads me to believe

he's given up on life.

I got to go find him.

Now, be respectful
and grieve your asses off.

I don't know
why this is happening.

Scully, I love it!

Everyone follow his lead.

So what are we gonna do
about the Vulture?

I've got a new plan.
Pretend like we're talking.

- We are talking.
- Exactly.

It's working already.

Now I'm going to coolly

run my hands through my hair.

Look where my elbow's pointing.

It's Davis Garmin,

Chief of Detectives.

Holt said he could
overrule the Vulture.

Exactly.

The only question now is,
will he believe us?

Yes, 'cause we're gonna
take a page

from the Vulture's book.

- "The Big Book of Small Butts"?
- What?

It's the only thing
I've ever seen him read.

No, we're gonna secretly
record the Vulture

telling you to dump me.

Then we'll play it
for Chief Garmin.

Then...

We're gonna totally

have sex on top of each other.

You get to keep your job.

Yes, that.

Ooh, Charles,
your jump-off is here.

Hello, Detective.

Hello, Lieutenant.

Real tragic about the captain.

Yes, real tragic.

I like the way
your butt looks today.

I've been doing lunges
in the shower.

Well, this got upsetting
real quick.

I want to live
in this moment forever.

I got us a motel room
across the street.

Meet me there in 15 minutes.

I'll meet you, all right.

M-E-A-T.

Still think it's creepy?

Yes.

Charles, it is not like you
to have sex

with a total stranger.

Really, tell that to me
in an hour

when we've had sex 23 times.

There you are.

You okay, sir?

No.

Until this morning,
some small part of me

still believed I would be
captain of the Nine-Nine again.

What a fool I was.

I should never have returned.

It's like visiting
your childhood home

and seeing it's been replaced
by a denim pants store.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Slow down, sir.

You didn't even stop
and sniff the bouquet.

You always sniff the bouquet.

Maybe the old Holt did.

But the new Holt
chugs Beaujolais

from a Burgundy glass
without a care.

Oh, it's a Sauternes glass.

Look, the alcohol has
rendered me a simpleton.

Maybe you should just
call it a day.

I can't.

I've been asked to deliver
a toast here after the funeral,

a message of hope.

This is what I have so far.

"Pain..."

That's it.

One tweak...

maybe you should lose
the word "pain"

and then get in a cab
and go home.

Maybe I will.

But first, you're gonna have
one drink with me, Sergeant.

For old times' sake?

- One drink, and then we go.
- One drink.

♪ Sisters are doin' it
for themselves ♪

My tolerance has really
changed since I had kids!

Hey, Captain.

I was looking for you inside.

One thing I won't do
is fart in church.

This is God's house.

Oh.

Respectful.

So listen, remember
when you said to me

that I have to dump Santiago

or else you're gonna bust me
down to beat cop?

What I remember, Jake,
is you pretending to be my bro

and me being like,
"I'm onto you, dillweed.

Oh, uh, sorry, could you
say that one more time?

I couldn't hear you
over the bagpipes.

Ugh, one second.

Excuse me, could you stop
playing that?

Just trying to have
a conversation.

I'm warming up, man.
Sorry.

Yeah, I know.
We just need two minutes.

No can do.

The funeral's about to start.

Everyone wants
to hear me honk, so...

Do you really need
to warm up, though?

I mean, you're just gonna make
a terrible wall of sound.

First of all, that's offensive
to me as half Scottish.

Second of all, you think
you could do better?

Blow my bag.

Look, we just need
a couple of minutes to chat.

That's it.

I'm not gonna stop playing
until you blow it.

All right, just give it to me.

All right?

Prepare to hear me play
the bagpipes perfectly.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Point proven.

Yeah, I think I've heard
just about enough

of this catfight.

I'm out.

Wait, Captain! Sir!

Your boyfriend... sorry,
your ex-boyfriend is pathetic.

You should be glad
that I ordered him to dump you.

Swish, Kobe.

Got it.

Yes! You're amazing!

That was "We Are the Champions."

Ugh, it's impossible
to find Garmin

with everybody mourning
all over the place.

It's like they have no respect
for our sneaky plans.

I know.

Oh, look, there he is.

Oh, great.

Hi there.

Sorry, this area is reserved

for close personal friends
of the deceased.

Ah, well, that is us.

Dozerman and I were
pretty much besties.

Went on an annual
fishing trip together.

Cayuga Lake,
caught a lot of Coho salmon.

We are both so bummed
that he's dead.

Super bummed.

Oh, right on.
Come in.

Thanks.

Blessings to you.

- Blessings?
- I don't know.

It's my first time in a church.

All right, how did you do that?

Simple detective work.

There was a floral arrangement
up front with a picture

of Dozerman and 30 of his
friends holding a big fish.

Cayuga Lake, I pulled
straight from the guest book.

And Coho salmon?

Well, that's just something
I know about

from being a man of the world.

Our special today
is Coho salmon on a...

Sounds disgusting.

Do you have chicken fingers?

- Impressed?
- Mm-hmm.

And horrified
by your eating habits.

Well, if I'm so unhealthy,

how come I never
go to the bathroom?

- Okay, let's get to Garmin.
- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Margaret Dozerman.

How did you know my husband?

Oh, Mrs. Dozerman,
your husband was a great man.

Some of my fondest
memories of him

were on our fishing trips.

You went on those trips?

I did, indeed.

They called me "the Coho King."

Pretty much single-handedly
organized those things myself.

So you were the one
who brought all the prostitutes?

Uh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can we slow down?

Why?
Are you not into this?

No, no, no.

My friends are just in my head.

They think it's weird

that we don't know anything
about each other.

I think it's hot.

Totally, I'm glad we're
not interested in each other

as human beings.

Oh, how about if you
tell me things about yourself

and then I tell you how little
I care about them?

Okay.

Okay, here goes.

I'm an only child.

- Not interested.
- I was born in Delaware.

Who even asked you?

I like this.

I don't care what you like.

But maybe you could tell me
one more thing.

She's a vegan!

What is going on?

You're right.
I couldn't help myself.

I wanted to know about her.

And I got what I deserved...

a vegan, a gluten-free vegan!

Charles, you need to calm down.

No.
You called it, Rosa.

So go ahead.
Laugh at me!

Laugh!

Laugh it up!

Can I wait till after
the funeral?

Shh!

Of course you can.

Sir, my life stinks.

Sharon's on bed rest.

My favorite mango yogurt
got discontinued.

And my kids think
their preschool teacher's

a stupidface.

Everyone I work with
is a stupidface.

Especially Bryce.

- Sir?
- Hmm?

- Sir?
- Hmm?

- Sir?
- Hmm?

Can I be honest?

Precinct's not the same
without you.

The Vulture's the worst.

My mango yogurt...

Yes, you already mentioned
the yogurt.

'Cause it's important!

When I saw you
in the office this morning,

I wanted to give you
the biggest hug.

But the Vulture told you not to,

and you had to listen.

He's your captain now, Terry.

I hate going to work
and you're not there.

Everything is garbage.

Hmm.
"Everything is garbage."

I should put that in
my message of hope.

That's a really good idea!

It took my husband and me
years of counseling

to get over those little
backwood orgies of yours.

He had sex with five prostitutes
in one weekend.

- Ugh!
- That's bananas!

I had no idea.

I was probably too busy praying.

You said you planned the trips.

- Yeah, I did say that.
- Called yourself the Coho King.

All right, look.

I'm not the Coho King.

My name is Jake.

And your husband
was only my captain

for, like, a day.

Wait a second.

Are you the Jake
that killed him?

No, I'm prostitute Jake.

I love prostitutes.

You need to go.

You should leave right now.

You need to leave right now.

It's okay, Margaret.
Come on.

Oh, Chief Garmin,
wait, I just...

need to play you one
quick recording of my boss.

You recorded me?

That's not cool, Jake.

Well, we were just taking
a page out of your book.

Yeah? What are you
gonna do next, huh?

Are you gonna start wearing
leather bracelets, hmm?

Good luck pulling off
that chunky-B

with those skinny little
girl wrists of yours.

Congratulations.

You're no longer a detective.

You're a beat cop again.

I just crushed your dreams.

Okay, I know things
seem really bad right now,

but we just need a minute
to think.

Come on, man!

Okay, so the Vulture
has your phone.

But new plan...

Jake, we've had lots of plans,

and none of them have worked.

Yeah, but this is a good one.

The new plan is: No plan.

We wing it!

Probably won't work,
but I said it

with a lot of confidence.

Jake, you got demoted.

We said this relationship
wasn't gonna get

in the way of our careers,
and it has.

So what?
We'll figure it out.

I'll make my way
back to detective.

Or maybe you won't.

I'm not gonna let you
throw away your dream job.

Amy, this is good.

This is a six-day relationship.

We don't know what it is.

And now for a message of hope.

Ah, a message of hope,
right on time.

Everything is garbage.

Oh, no.

You find something
you care about,

and it's taken from you...

your colleague,

your dream job,

your mango yogurt.

Whoo!

Never love anything.

That's the lesson.

To Captain Dozerman.

Captain Dozerman.

Thank you, sir.

I'll take it from here.
Very poetic.

If I might offer
a counter-toast of sorts.

Captain Dozerman and I,

we weren't together
for very long.

In fact, as coworkers,

our relationship
was only six days.

But that's not nothing.

It was long enough
for me to know

that we had something special.

And sure,
there may be obstacles.

Him having passed away,
for example.

But I'm not giving up on us.

And I don't care
if I get demoted.

I just care
about being with you...

Captain Dozerman,

an adult man

who has passed
into the nether world.

Move over, Peralta!

Move over!

Okay.

And if I may do a third toast.

It'll be focused primarily
on the mango yogurt.

Don't boo me!

I lost something important
too, shoot.

Thought I might find you here.

So not a big fan
of my speech, huh?

No, I loved it.

I mean, I wish it hadn't
been at a wake.

And I wish you hadn't
kept referring to me

as your dead boss.

Yeah, it pretty much sucked butt

but still was somehow
the best of the three toasts.

Hmm.

Look, I don't want to break up.

But I don't want
to get demoted either.

I just don't know what to do.

I'm all out of plans.

I have one.

Holt saves your ass.

Captain.

I was moved
by your speech, Peralta.

Thank you, sir.
That's very nice of you to say.

- The syntax was problematic.
- Less nice.

And your vocabulary
is a true indictment

of the public school system.

Seems like you're just
slamming me now.

But the fact that you're
not willing to give up

in the face of adversity
is inspiring.

I love the Nine-Nine,

and I'm not gonna turn
my back on the squad.

So I fixed your problem
with the Vulture.

- Really?
- I may just be a guy in PR.

But what does the Vulture
love more than anything?

Garbage Pail Kids?

No. Publicity.

Captain Pembroke,
how would you like

your face on the NYPD website?

Really?

Yes!
Yes!

In exchange for media attention,

the Vulture will not
bust you down

or stand in the way
of you two dating.

Sir, I don't know
how to thank you.

Anything for the Nine-Nine.

Thank you, sir.

He totally approves of us.

Whatcha doing there, Boyle?

Trying to get drunk enough
to have sexual intercourse

with a vegan.

Why can't I just think
with my junk

like a modern man?

Why do you want to do that?

I got divorced,
and I was crushed.

My fiancée left.
I cried for weeks.

My only relationship that wasn't

totally devastating
when it ended

was my casual sex carnival
with Gina.

Yeah, okay,

But with of those relationships

made you happiest
before it ended?

My marriage.
Vivian.

Yeah, because you connect
with them emotionally,

something we did not do

because I'm a higher level
of being,

like Her from the movie "Her."

Dude, you can't go through
life trying not to get hurt.

You should try to be happy.

So you think I should
look for someone

I can have emotional
intercourse with.

I wish you hadn't said it
like that, but yeah.

And I should start
right here at this funeral.

I'd probably wait.

Nope, no time to lose.

Put on your sunglasses.

I need to see if there's
anything in my teeth.

Ugh.

Oh, yeah.

Charles Boyle is ready for love.

Well, never wearing these again.